Portrait of an American PornStar

My blog is moving...

2010-12-20T14:11:00.000-08:00

Check out the new one... not done by a long shot... just seems to have more options...
www.erikrhodes.tumblr.com

Attitude Magazine

2010-11-15T08:58:00.000-08:00

Oh God...

2010-10-18T14:12:00.000-07:00

I don't know how someone can be so exhausted from doing nothing. It seems like my boyfriend and I have make excuses to go out and get tanked on pills... Tuesday night... high on pills, out till 4am. Then basically the rest of the week. I'm not sure how we make it home most nights. I tend to only remember the parts where i have force myself to snap out of letting the pills steal my soul. The part where you just feel like your sinking... and if you don't snap yourself out of it you would just melt away into the floor. I find that i have this problem mostly while driving home. No one seems to notice. i lie to myself that its not a problem and its not. I just wonder when I'm gonna think I'm sleeping and i really drive the car into a ditch? I always pictured myself dying in a car or plane crash. hmmm?
Saturday night i was in the bathroom, washing my face as this ugly NYC pigeon watched me sitting on top of the toilet, i briefly spoke to it, a quick " what are you looking at" and then i turned away... it seemed very normal. This is seconds before puking my brains out. Well not really it was more of a ... "just puke and keep it moving" kinda thing. My Bf must have been mortified when i got up off the ground took a shit and then alternated right back into puking... very classic and classy if i don't say so myself. Anyways, i think its kinda fun to add to my list of vivid hallucinations. This one was just as good as that time a saw a glowing neon blue Amanda lepore screaming at me. That was terrifying.
Halloween just passed and it was pretty uneventful. I'm not sure what constitutes a good time anymore cause i know, whatever time I'm having surely isn't. Was it more fun to be a drunk? Is that why everyone looks at me strange when all i do is order nonstop redbulls? I think they even secretly think to themselves "this place would be unbearable sober". There was a time Halloween was everything to me. Now it just seemed like a headache. This year i really wanted to hide behind a mask... i guess the bloody tank top was a bad idea...
anyways, On a regular basis... Random people tend to scream out "Jersey Shore" at me and my BF when ever we go out. Halloween was no different. Even dressed in bloody tank top and mask we were still called "jersey Shore" by some Stumpy fat little cunt as we left the bar. So stating the obvious I called her "snooki" and said "why don't you go spit out a few more kids with those fat child baring hips" which seemed to hit close to home since she ran up to me to spit in my face. But like any dumb bitch, she really didn't know how to spit and ended up basically spitting on herself.
My Boyfriend seeing this, sent him into a typically frenzy, which i never quite understand. I'm not sure after all this time together why he doesn't think i can handle myself from a little fat stumpy twat. Anyways he attempts to spit back at this bitch which makes me have to hold him back to avoid a drunken brawls from all the onlookers that might think "this guy just spit in that girls face, lets go fuck him up".
Granted i always welcome a fight but i know when the odds don't look right to walk away from a losing battle. Anyways as I'm hold my bf back, this is when "stumpy" see the opportunity to punch me in the back of my head 3 times... which is when all hell breaks loose.
My friends GF goes after "stumpy" and then is jumped by 4 of "stumpys" friends. My other friend is trying to help his GF by pulling girls off, when this (best way to describe him) "Diesel Washington" type punk throws my friends off the bitches beating on his girl. This when i stop holding my BF back and have to get in "Diesels" face who wants no part of the fight anymore since he had someone his size in his face.
Finally the cops come and thanks to a friend they were on my side for once. "Diesel Washington" disappeared into the crowd and typically in this situation i would be viewed as the bad guy. No clue why...
Thankfully I got to laughed to myself as the cop pretended that the fake blood on my face was part of the assault by "stumpy". She, of course is crying as they are considering arresting her saying to them and pleading to me not to press charges saying "but its my birthday". OOOOOOkay you dumb bitch.
I couldn't careless to waste anymore time on the whole thing and there was no way i going to the precinct to press charges.To many cops around me makes me uncomfortable. I just made a deal with the cops to waste her time, give her a summons, put her through the system and let her go in the typical 5 or 6 hours it takes for the to process the whole thing.
In Retrospect... its great i don't drink anymore or that bitch's face would look like Sloppy Joe and I'd be in jail again.
Oh, and it was nice to have a friend stick up for me... a girl, which i really don't have any of, and until this night, didn't think she cared enough for me to defend me... well let me say this... if I'm not to carefree and passive from being tanked on pills, i promise... i have your back.

I'm not at the end...

2010-10-12T08:33:00.000-07:00

I woke up out of my sleep last night with a memory in my head about my past... one of the last nights i was out in the city, single before my current relationship. I could remember walking around this club thinking to myself..."I am officially one of those creepy guys". I wasn't there to dance and enjoy the music, i wasn't there to drink and be with friends. I was just there to not feel so dead. Stalking around this place hopefully to have some sort of human contact, probably with someone i wasn't worthy of speaking with in the first place, because god knows when I'm not selling my bullshit Erik Rhodes persona i can be very awkward and withdrawn...
anyways... i just woke up with that feeling of being utterly pathetic...like i'm going nowhere.
Maybe its partially due to the fact that I'm obsessed with Farmville now and i seem to get such great joy in waiting for my online farm to grow. I just hit level 12 this morning and was able to buy a tractor. The smile on my face couldn't get much bigger... all for about a second. I quickly Im'ed my brother to express my happiness when he brought me back down to reality saying... "please James, tell me your kidding..." I got up, walked away from my computer and thought about it for a second and realized... i refuse to allow this to be happiness for me.
As i stuff my face with S'mores Cereal (which was my big excitement yesterday when i found them in Walmart) and I finished tending my farm... I am promising myself a change. I mean i think I've come a long way from the beginning of this blog till now and i feel like I'm heading in the right direction but i just need to push myself harder and not fall into this pathetic state of content. Because seriously isn't sitting in front the computer playing Farmville a form of being dead?

Throw up in a garbage bag...

2010-09-23T15:25:00.000-07:00

As promised...

No Good Deed Goes Unpunished

2010-09-08T17:24:00.000-07:00

You wanna get deep on this shit...what all those Catholic Scholars say...
Everything we do depends on free choice, but they say at the same time, that we need the grace of God to do whats right.
Now follow that...
If I do something wrong its because God did not give me the grace to do whats right.

If this world stinks... its his fault.

I am only working with what I been given.

Aren't you ashamed of yourself?
I'm ashamed of nothing. I didn't make the world.

Well your not doing anything to make it better...
Yeah and I'll roast in Hell.

Speechless

2010-07-28T11:46:00.000-07:00

Oh god... pictured out at a gay beach circuit party? Be Prepared... The Apocalypse is coming

My Anchor

2010-07-20T14:00:00.000-07:00

And could you believe we didn't get eaten?

Dead!

2010-07-13T17:36:00.000-07:00

Sleeping Late During Perfect Weather

2010-04-18T17:19:00.000-07:00

I don't know whether to be proud of myself or ashamed.

I been traveling, working alot lately, which has been a double edge sword.
On one hand the money has been okay, but on the other hand it really puts stress on my relationship.
I know most of you would say, "well shouldn't your Bf understand your job by now"?
The answer to that has always been no, for some reason they never get it.
of course this is where the problem lies.
I understand the problems behind being a model, but now as a director there is a whole new slew of problems i didn't foresee.
The jealousies behind having to pick models, then having to talk with them, swap numbers just to be on the same page about the sex they will be having in front of me... blah blah blah.
No one seems to understand, you become numb to it... like any job.
Then you get these desperate models sending you fucked up texts to let you know there alive, hoping that they jog your memory so you will cast you in an upcoming production.
Its silly, yet unavoidable with this job.
Oh then there is fucking Twitter... i don't understand the obsession with this thing...
All i know is that any model, when around me has some sexual twitter to write and it always seems to get to my bf friend quicker than flies to shit. If they only really wrote the truth about how boring i am, and how i really go out of my way not to talk to anyone i don't need to... i guess it wouldn't make for a good twit then?
A real twitter would sound something like this: "wow Erik Rhodes just sits there, he doesn't seem very friendly, and the only time i heard him talk he was complaining he's hungry"
It seems like some way or another, this job is always stepping on the Bf's toes.
I guess what I'm just getting at is, its really hard to win in this industry.
At least with a bf that is not in it and basically doesn't want to understand it...
and why should he...

But then again, i feel like i have won in some sense.
I'm not the type to brag, but these kids today kinda look at me like i used to look at Matthew Rush. I mean he was top dog. He was the one to impress and hope your career in this industry made it to his level.
Now, with all the work i been doing, and excessive socializing, beyond my own personal comfort, i have had none stop models approaching me and say all types of crazy shit
"you are the reason why i wanted to become a porn star".... really, I'm sorry.
" i was one of your biggest fans, I've seen all your movies"... really how are they?
" i hope some day i can have the success you have had, i was in a hotel and i saw you in the movies you could purchase, i hope someday that will be me"... really, you hope you can be in hotel room porn, that's one of your goals in life?
I honestly felt sorry for that last one.
I started doing porn cuz i needed the money, not thinking I'd ever make a name for myself. So i just don't understand where these kids are coming from, i assume its like an ego trip to be a porn star in their eyes and i just find that stupid.
Regardless, i have always felt like the outcast, so with this sort of acceptance, has been actually kinda nice, as stupid as it is, it made me feel good. And seriously porn has never really made me feel anything but regret, and lonely and basically miserable... i guess its just nice to know i made my mark, as meaningless as i think my life, my career has been at least i know i did it the best i could and its been acknowledged.
i know most of you reading this and those that have posted stuff are probably pissed saying, "that's what i been saying to him all along", i know, but, without using dumb quotes... you can lead a horse to water.... i guess you just have to figure thing out on your own.
fyi: I'm really not comfortable talking so much porn.
anyways...
so i guess where i have been besides what i have written above...
been kinda teetering on the edge on a mental breakdown... like always.
just cuz i wrote all that above doesn't quite mean that it means very much to me.
i think i been beat down so much in my real life about being a porn star that, i don't take much pride in anything i have done.
its nice, and its make me feel all warm and fuzzy for about a second before, i tell myself, " you dummy, no one cares, this is what has made this world turn against you. That's why you'll never just be you... you'll always be... that porn star"
i guess what hurts is no one has anything good to say about me...
in real life i mean
in the porn world, i feel loved
but at the same time, its a job, i love alot of the people i work with... but they are not there for me, when I'm alone and could use an open ear, they surely aren't there.
i don't have much contact with them outside of the times I'm working so ya know, it doesn't feel like real true friends.
and in real life, well, i have a bf friend i love, but I'm convinced that he'd be better off without me. It sucks to say i think he is only happy with me 20 percent of the time. I feel like he thinks he's stuck with me. Kinda like when mother contemplates giving up a retarded child and just can't do it. He stays for some reason, and prepares, yet never gets used to the fact, his life could more than likely be so much better if he just walked away.
i think I'm doing the best i personally can... i for once can say i been faithful, i can at least say that i deal with our fights and don't resort to heroin to forget we have problems, but, if i just stay coherent maybe we can work on them instead of letting them grow beyond anything we can both take.
since i moved out of the city, i don't feels as close with my 2 close friends, in fact i feel like they are almost closer with my bf now. so i don't know how to act around them sometimes. it just awkward, you know they only people you used to disclose your worst secrets now might just stab you in the back, granted i don't have many secrets anymore, so i think I'm kinda boring to them as well.
i still don't think my family cares much for be beside basically finding out if I'm alive, its seems like they only care when I'm in the hospital.
i seriously miss my brother. i know he cares, it really feels like he is the only one, but he is actually making something of himself and I'm sure staying away from me, is better for him also.
i think, yeah you know, its feel lonely now, but think of all the people that have come and gone from your life, I'm sure that, before all my mistakes and flaws, they would actually say good things about me?
yeah we might not know each other anymore... but what they remember about me, they might actually miss, maybe have a funny story to tell, i don't know. I think if the topic ever comes up they know Erik Rhodes, the first thing out there mouth might be something like "No, wait, James is nothing like what you think...."
only to recently get confirmation that in fact, no James, they hate you, the ones you tried to love, never loved you and in fact, your are the biggest regret and mistake in so many peoples lives, that if i just sat down and tried to wrap my mind around it... well, I'm not sure if I'd be able to handle it. i have attempted it and trust me it leads to a pretty serious panic attack. The only way i can describe it, is feeling like your about to be attacked from every angle and you don't know where to turn first to protect yourself and in fact you can't. I makes my head pound, you know right where spine and brain connect. I wanna reference American History X and the whole "bite the curb" scene, but i'm not sure it hurts that much.
I guess i spend way to much time trying to stay sane that spending time focusing my hate on people from my past just makes no sense. I wish my problems could only be that simple.
I guess, its just easy to be a scapegoat.
Seriously, how could the porn star not be to blame?
There is nothing behind those eyes except...its numb and black.
Its getting hard to deal with... where i wanna crack open a beer or worse, i don't... but thank you klonopin. Of course my doctor wont prescribe them to me since he think I'm an addict risk, but seriously, I'm not faking this, who would wanna feel like that, and you dumb fuck, i could make that shit go away with all that shit i told you i used to use yet, I'm a risk. are you fucking crazy.
oh fuck, I'm tired of writing... i need sleep so lets figure this out...
Ambien, Trazodone, Temazepan, Nexium, Prevacid, Glutamine, and multivitamin. Wash down with a cap of G. G for goodnight. (jk) maybe...

i wish, i could start my lucid dream right now...
evrything would work,
i'd be i love with anthony forever
my live would have never ended up like this...
it be completely different...
i...we would be happy.
I'd stay here forever...

Directing Behind The Scenes

2010-03-25T12:53:00.000-07:00

Wow, after watching this, i think i'm not gonna answer The Swords questions anymore, well at least not on camera. I sound high?...

Snow Tranny and Vote for my Babe!

2010-02-26T15:43:00.000-08:00

Snow Tranny!

and Guys there is still time to make my Boyfriend #1, please vote for him!
Click HERE to vote!

Eventually We All Are Going Home...

2010-02-17T09:11:00.000-08:00

So after countless blogs written and not posted, i come to a crossroads on this blog.
I'm tired of the non-stop depressing overtone. I swear if you read the earlier posts, i think i had fun with this...and somehow along the way it just became my place to air out my depression and never give any insight to the things that make me happy, Jesus, if you only read my blog and you never met me in your life you would think i am always miserable.
Granted this blog comes after giving in to anti-depressants, but shit, I'm tired of wasting my life, waiting for death, without making my mark on this world, without trying to be a good boyfriend and start a family, without just giving life a chance at being worthwhile. I have never understood life in general and i think its finally about time to just give up hoping that life isn't as shallow as it become to me... i mean there must be some meaning and I'm starting to believe the harder you search for it the longer it alludes you. So in an attempt to feel alittle more alive, I have abandoned all my hopes and I'm just letting life take me where it wants. I think this way i can avoid life's consistent "let downs".

anyways...

I know i always bitch about my path in life without making changes to it. So i have come up with a solution... i could spit out that annoying serenity prayer or i could just easily say, "If you can't beat them, join them"
So to everyone hating on me since i have stuck in the porn business... well go fuck yourself.
Lets be serious... Having sex on cam has almost become a Gay males Rites of Passage. Anyone with a web cam now thinks that regardless of what you look like, your gonna be sexy as long as you post it on xtube. It makes me fucking sick. Please and if your somehow to shy, of video, i don't think i know one faggot that hasn't at on point in there life, fucked around with someone for money or materialistic bullshit. Everyone does, but doesn't admit it. I admit it and so I'm an easy target to take out your disgust with yourself. Your the whore at the club looking to get fucked on Monday night, your the fag in the committed relationship that cheats nonstop and acts likes a happy family, your the pathetic loser that only gets off with teenage boys when your older than sin, your the troll cruising the bathroom at the gym in a g-string even when the steam room is out of order, your the sick fuck that only gets when he finds a new way of mutilating his huge gaping asshole, your all these things... and you know what? its fine, well as long as you can admit to it. I shouldn't need to be a scapegoat for your own sickness. I admit whats wrong with me. I know i have lead i pretty disgusting life, one that i am and forever will be ashamed of but... My weight is lifted.
Isn't it sick when the porn star has steadier footing on reality than you?
Fuck, it seems like reality doesn't even exist in the gay world. I barely go out these days, but somehow, when I'm suckered into it, i watch, and quietly judge....
And almost every time i sit there and wonder to myself, "how is it that, i am the odd man out, how am i the filthy pornstar?"
I watch as these queens basically simulating sex with guy after guy at the club and they call it dancing? Humping someone while you fem out to a Lady Gaga song is somehow less filthy and disgusting than anything i have ever done on video? Personally i don't fucking think so.
I'm not sure how i got here, but I'm standing outside the box now, looking in and completely not understanding what I'm seeing. Being gay has become so foregein to me, i don't understand it, and at this point , i really don't want to.
And seriously, i need to just work on me... years of letting thing spiral out of control and well, now is either the time to attempt fixing the misfortune of my reckless life, or just give up.

Its time to stop caring of what everyone thinks, its time to stop trying to understand gay men on a higher level than just sex. I mean i have been trained in the gay world of sex, and i understand it. Hence staying in porn as a director seems to be the right thing to do.
Granted i still am very opinionated, and personally I think that porn should never be something anyone should aspire to. But of course my opinion is typically over looked by most of these young kids who think somehow gay porn will make them famous. So fuck it, i think everyone needs to learn on there own.
It kinda reminds me of growing up, my mother did everything she could to not allow me to see the movie "Natural Born Killers". Which only made it more intriguing to me. Granted this was around the time the Menendez brothers killed their parents and I'm pretty sure my mom was afraid me and my brother would do the same since my house growing up was filled with guns. Anyways, long story short, Natural Born Killers is my favorite movie of all time. Which lead me to my point... It when you hold someone back from something, it will only fuel their desire to do it more. So I'm tired of preaching to kids about the consequences of porn. Fuck em they can find out on their own. In Fact now i can direct them on there way down...

PS. I find it kinda funny how people think this blog is some sort of fake soap opera. The comments said, i was "taking people for a ride" and readers are "being taken advantage of and don't even realize it". Even commenting in the paypal button, Yeah there is a paypal button but shit, I'm not begging for your money to read my bullshit... but if you feel like donating then shit, I've learned to never turn down free money. Porn isn't the cash cow all you people think it is. But for someone to comment I'm getting over on people seems so strange. I never meant for people to dislike me or the porn i do based on my internal monologue spewed out in this blog. God, i wish i could say it was all made up, but unfortantley, its not. So enjoy the ride, i hope it sucks for you as much as it does for me.

Either way, I'm back...

Bamboo Puncturing The Skin. (Updated)

2009-12-06T21:15:00.000-08:00

So i been avoiding posting anything on here. Keeping my mouth shut lately has been so much easier than dealing with my pain head on. I written a few things that haven't been posted and i'm pretty sure i never will. I think all the complaints about me playing the "poor me" roll have honestly sunken in. I find it funny that i can be embarrassed for being depressed. I have fought for people to pay attention, for people to listen... for people to see me beneath the surface and In reality, its only blown up in my face. No one cares and i have honestly have begun to ask myself, why should i?
I keep reading, "Hold on James"
Hold on to what?
I started taking this new "work out" drug which after using it briefly i started to see negative side effects which made me research it more. I found plenty of extremely negative feedback on the drug, the worst side effect being death... people using the drug dying in their sleep... Really? ... All i could think after reading that was "how perfect". What an easy out. Yeah, it might not be as dramatic as going out in a a shoot out with the cops like i always imagined but, i'm a pussy anyways. Even if i could get my hands on a gun, i'd most likely do nothing with it except imagine...
Its funny the day dreams i had the other day when i was almost arrested again...
i guess the funniest part was that i almost welcomed being locked up. I have fought it other times, this time, i just didnt care... i have seen the "white trash, roided out, bully" looks before... why fight it? ... Just accept it. God, just that change alone would be refreshing. I have basically fucked my life up doing my own thing, i guess it would seem only right if someone else had complete control of it now...
The only thought that rings through my head lately is ...You are destine to fail.
I have seen it on TV and asked myself, " i wonder how bad someones life has to be to get there...". Well this is it.
I have exhausted myself trying to keep everyone else best interests ahead of mine.
... i can't live like this anymore. I've spent the last 5 years of my life slowly dying and expected so much more from myself..... there is no hope left...

(sorry, to the people that get sick of my depressing rants, but i been holding it in for to long and i was going to explode. Trust me if i had someone in my life that i thought cared enough to hear what i felt, i wouldn't be throwing it all up here)

... oh well
OK

I just spent the last 3 nights of my life in the ICU of the hospital. (for reasons beyond my control). I didnt know how to look at my situation... on one side i thought to myself "jesus, when they knock me out and i don't wake up, you know, i perfectly okay with that, i have lived enough, i have put my body through enough" and on the other hand... My family rushed to my side. My boyfriends sat their crying, waiting for my situation to stabilize, granted not one friend came... yet, i felt loved.
I always say no one understands me... i guess i don't even understand myself.
I'm out now... weak and really tired...
i wonder what will happen next...

In My Dreams, Your Alive and Your Crying...

2009-09-30T17:37:00.000-07:00

So i saw a doctor today and i'm not so sure how it went. I basically spilled my guts and didn't hold back from anything, except from flat out saying i did porn for a living. I said, "if you can imagine the biggest scumbag you have encountered in your life, and put my face on his... that is basically the life i have led, and if i look alittle to well put togther to make that imagine in your head, hold water... just assume that i clean up well when i need to."
I found it funny how many times he asked me, if i owned a gun. Is there a gun in the house i live in? was i sure? I think i made myself sound crazy when the only thing i replied was "trust me, if there was a gun in my house i, sure as shit wouldn't be here looking for help, because i would have all the help i needed at home".
Ha Ha?
No?
The look on his face from my responce told me to bite my tongue... You dummy, Don't tell him your fantasy of running around your old gym like the kid from virginia tech. Just... kidding???
But my first red flag went off when i started talking about some my problems with my boyfriend and one of his responces to a simple statement was, "well he must have known what you do for a living, right?"
Now, i know i didnt say, i was an adult actor... and i replied without saying, "yes, he knew i was a porn star". I just said yes and kept the conversation moving. He knew i was on to him when he later asked exactly what i did for a living and then gave me the bullshit "oh really" kinda responce.
I from that point on i gave up caring... once again, i just felt like it was all bullshit... i'm gonna spill my guts and confess all the dirty shit in my life to you, in search of some sort of relief and your gonna try and get over on me? Are you that dumb? or even worse, do you think that i am that dumb?
I ended our bullshit meeting in the search of a handful of perscriptions... he wasn't that dumb. So now, i'm basically sitting here considering the whole, self medicating route, god, i could use a drink, its been almost a full year since i have had alcohol control me... i guess i'm just getting to the point of not caring at all anymore...

The heart that is underrated is always losing blood

2009-08-31T13:04:00.000-07:00

days have passed, and nothing is better. I feel like i look like a serial killer, I've been absolutely emotionless, you know, like that disgruntled office worker that looks the same everyday, and no one assumes anything is wrong until he pulls out a gun and starts shooting, well, that me right now in a not so literal sense, i wanna explode,don't get any wrong ideas, its just my strange comparison of how i don't think anyone understands whats going on inside me right now. I wanna just cry all day long, but i tell myself I'm stronger than that. I don't wanna get out of bed in the morning, i don't wanna go to the gym, but I'm pushing myself, telling myself "just go about things like normal, your normal, your okay, everything is fine."

Truly I can feel the wall is growing, brick by brick, I'm losing hold of what we had. I personally can't even tell if he wants me around. I had a breaking point today when we had, what i considered, a slight argument, where i had suggested he was in a bitchy mood, and he replied to me how he was great the whole week i was just away, and i replied then why would you say you missed me? To which he replied, "who said i missed you". From that point i went silent and haven't said a word to him since. God, most of the time i feel all alone, at least believing to myself there is someone who cares at home for me, and to get shot down like that, over something that seems so dumb a trivial, was like being stabbed in the heart. Once again, i'm in this by myself...if not, its hard to believe i have a reliable source to carry me when i'm down.

I sit here, depressed, wishing there was a way to make things easier on myself. I just feel like i have spent most of my life carrying the weight of everyone around me and now that I'm down and out, i have no where to turn... i don't think anyone can carry me... i don't think anyone cares enough about me to take on this obese burden that is my life. God, if i was more of a coward i would run away...

I am so desperate, i have actually consider reaching out to my family, but i could picture the phone call before i even make it. They would pretend to care, yet they don't. They would blame all my problems on me and not even consider reaching out to help. And its not like i need money, i just desperately want honest, heart felt advice coming from a place of love, and not advice from a "i told you, your life would end up like this" kinda place.

Everything is like hanging off the side of a cliff at this point, my relationship and my career. God, i been impressed how strong i been.

I'm just really scared where things are going, and i have no clue where I'm gonna end up. God, I'm just trying to get by, yeah i hate porn but i read something amazing the other day, it was an old joke that i looked at as the same way i look at being in the porn industry: A guy has a job shoveling elephant shit at the circus and someone asks, "Jesus, you have such a terrible job, why don't you just quit and do something less degrading". The guys looks up and answers "what and give up show business"? I guess its the same thing.

Summer Rain

2009-08-28T14:23:00.000-07:00

You know on a regular day to day basis, i'm always confused and trying to make sense of this life, my future, my relationship, but today is something i have never experienced... its been painful, its upsetting, its depressing, it basically has me sitting here without a clue of what to do. And if i do something, whats the point... now that everything is completely different.

I sware i'm being strong, but i feel all alone. Everything is once again my fault. I almost feel that i have no right to dry my eyes, i feel that everyone should see this pain, and hopefully believe my remorse. I'm so ashamed, its almost worth just giving up over.

Before picking up the computer and spilling these thoughts out of my head i just sat there... with 2 simple questions and one despreate plea going through my head, "How did i get here?', "Whats happens now? and "Please, please, if there is a god in the sky, please make this a terrible dream". Shockingly, no responce, no sign, no guiding light. If my boyfriend didnt know me as well as he does and had hid all the perscription candies i would have made my own guiding light right about now. Thanksfully valium has me pretty evened out.

Hold your breath and count to ten, then fall apart, then start again.

New Stuff

2009-08-19T18:16:00.000-07:00

The Replacement

2009-06-25T22:26:00.000-07:00

I have been avoiding my old life so long that writing this right now is giving me anxiety. Flashbacks of a life once lost.

Well, again, the only reason i'm here is cuz i feel alone and yeah i'm pretty damn upset, depressed, alone, whatever. Things have been pretty good. Yes i still have my bipoloar freak outs every now and again but i have been working through them and even more impressive, i have been surpressing the more trivial episodes. But tonight, i wanted to run away...

Now as much as i want to go into details, i have choosen to try and be as vague as possible, just to avoid pleasing the certain people that thrive on others peoples misery... Anyways, the best i can do is just name this blog "The Replacement". It is the name to the way i feel and the life i refuse to lead.
I guess it just hurts when i have done the best at starting a new life and having a whole new frame of mind only to worry if the people around me are the same as they were before me or are they on a new page like i am. I guess i have a hard time trying to pretend i am, was, and have only been the best part in someones life. I think i like to pretend that when i meet someone that they never had a life before the second they meet me. I'm selfish, i know. I validate that thought as i sit here alone. But aren't you allowed to be selfish when your life seems as lonely as this... hmmmm.

Well, i don't think i'm selfish, i only think in the terms of "US" now. And yeah i'm selfish for us. I only see one person now and nothing else has exsisted, i feel like i dont have a past, i do, but i have done the best at forgeting every second of it. And i find it hard to feel that in return. I feel like a punchingbag alot of the time. I guess i'm just a replacement.

nobodywillnoticenobodywillnoticenobodywillnoticenobodywillnoticenobodywillnoticenobodywillnoticenobodywillnoticenobodywillnoticeno

Biggest Slut Award?

2009-05-30T12:32:00.000-07:00

Yeah well... not exactly any of the 7 awards i was hoping for, and seriously this was an award that might have fit me a couple years ago but not now, i guess my change in lifestyle hasn't made anyone believers just yet and i guess my shitty attitude toward the industry hasn't gained me any new fans or made me worthy of wasting real awards on, shit i didn't even win best porn star blog...i blame myself.

2009-05-04T15:11:00.000-07:00

Holy Shit, a new blog....

Yeah well, believe it or not i been pretty happy. My complaining has been fairly minimal and as i'm preparing myself to move my life in a completely different direction, i'm actually optimistic. This frame of mind seems kinda misplaced , since i can barely sleep lately due to the worse anxiety and panic attacks i have ever experienced and since watching the movie Zeitgeist, it has made me feel like life is absolutely worthless, but fuck it, i'm just gonna do this life one day at a time.

Anyways, that was a mouthful so i will explain,
I have said it alot and think its about time to move my ass out of the city,i have over analyzed the downsides from all angles and i'm still prepared to just throw myself out there and hope for the best. I have begun to disconnect from the terrible world i created for myself. Its kinda weird at times but honestly it feels like a weight has been lifted, i feel cleansed. I quit David Barton, NYC's super gay night club of a gym. My Myspace is gone, my facebook, that twitter thing i had for all a couple days, all gone. This is all i'm gonna give you people, and everything else is going to my bf. You know, as young as he is, he has given me some great advice and the majority of what i'm saying has been influenced by him but ultimately i have made the choices on my own... i'm tired of just giving myself away on all these sights. I'm tired of people invading my life through different platforms that i allow.
Aren't we most intrigued about people who dont give it all away?
Now every asshole on the planet thinks its cool to twitter and tell you every move they make down to the last time they took a shit, well fuck that. It's not cool. Jesus , on that thing you can learn to hate someone without ever meeting them. Its like an annoying roomate who feels they need to tell you everything they do like, "i'm going to the gym, i'm gonna take a shower, i'm gonna get something to eat" until you can only think to yourself, "please stop talking unless its to tell me your gonna drop dead." I don't need another outlet to let people judge me either, like this isnt enough. Just like the song says, this blog has stripped me down to the bone.

Moving on...
My Anxiety...jesus i have no clue whats going on, i think its my body finally telling me "i have had enough, your killing me". During the day its easy to distract, but at night when i'm about to go to bed, i start to freak out. I feel like i'm not breathing, and if its not that, i keep thinking i'm gonna die in my sleep. Then i take pills, and then i start freaking out more, thinking they are what is keeping me awake. Almost everynight i pace my apartment, i stare at myself in the mirror in my bathroom, and i watch the sunrise. I'm not sure when i fall asleep, but i tend to wake up around 2 each afternoon. Its pathetic. I hope this goes away soon.

Zeitgeist: Holy shit is all i can say. This movie finally makes it all make sense.

Gayvn Awards in San Fran

2009-04-07T14:21:00.000-07:00

And I Am Awake...

2009-03-20T13:22:00.000-07:00

Another Blog...
This one comes from Prague, but i'll will get into that later...

So i been spending all my free time in Staten Island. While there, i take everything is my life that can somehow cause me drama, and i put it in my personal back seat. no, not even in the beatseat, i basically duct tape it and leave it for dead in the trunk. My computer (myspace aol, facebook, this blog), my phone, my career, is basically forgotten and i spend all my time on what matters to me most at this point in my life and thats building my relationship with my Bf.
I have talked all this shit about Staten Island but, it funny, this is the place where i have found alot of personal space and peace. Granted i think that most of this is due to the fact that most the people on Staten Island are such materialisc slobs that a gay porn star can go easily unnoticed. Yet if i drove a nice car, was wearing a fresh new pair of 300 dollar jeans or had some sort of new gucci ascessory, i would have most the people around me's undivided attention.
But trust me, this is not me complaining. As much as i detest materialism, i enjoy just being James alot more. This place has become a great escape, this place has let me relax.
And beyond my overdue need for sense of self, the time here has been more valueable than just starting to feel like myself again, but its been allowing me to continue building a relationship that seems to get more solid as each days passes. Of course there has been plenty of bumps in the road, some more serious than others, and some completely stupid and rediculous, yet we have endured them all and realized how much we honestly mean to one another. Its began to feel like a light that will never dim and a love that will never die. The weird part is i never thought i would ever be so head over heels in love with anyone ever again, infact, i dont think i have ever felt this way about anyone in my past. I have always given up so easy and for some reason, i can't let this one go, i dont think i'll ever want to. I have began picturing a healthy life, starting a family and growing old together... this is so unfamilar... just letting someone completely in... letting my selfish ways become a thing of the past, i dont know. It doesn't feel like me but its alright and it feel like for once its gonna be alright.
I'm trying to stop myself right now, from writing... "i could be wrong" , i really dont want to, but i could be. It wouldnt be the first time i see nothing but good things ahead of us as a couple and they just see the relationship as quicksand at the end of a rainbow. Like always, thats bvasically always my fault, but this time around, i'm stepping away from the edge, turning around and relying on him, for arms i can fall into. I actually trust in the fact that he is gonna be there for me and for once in my life i'm gonna make damn sure i am there for him.
The funny thing about the relationship, is that it really took awhile for me to take him seriously, i didnt expect much, i didnt think i would learn anything, i wasn't sure it would go anywhere... i was completely wrong. I'm not sure if he even does it intensionally, or maybe it just the way he is but he without even trying is making me into a better person.
If he ends up leaving me, i'lltake more from our short relationship than he'll ever know.

(Sorry about the spelling my spell check wasnt working)

"What A Shame" (first part)

2009-02-16T17:17:00.000-08:00

Oh god, where do i begin...

Well, i'm 27 now. Nothing spectacular about it. Its honestly kinda funny, I keep saying to myself, "how the fuck did i get here?". Its been so long, i feel like i have lived so my lives by now. I feel old. I think i'm starting to look old. This hard life i forced my body to endure is starting to show. I get a nosebleed almost everyday, my heartburn feels like i'm constantly being stabbed in the chest, my knees ache, my body aches. Painkillers are crutch in my life and just not for recreational use.
Pathetically i have even considered botox and all this other bullshit to help my battle with aging. If that isn't a new low for me... has vh-1 and this self absorbed society finally gotten to me to? If steroids and the couple hundred pills i pop a day weren't enough, what else can i do look pretty just alittle while longer? Who cares if my liver in struggling to work, who cares if it feels like i'm being punched in my kidneys all day long...honestly who cares. You know, turning 27 i sit there and say myself "only 3 years left, i better make them good". Oh... i have given myself and expiration date, kinda like a carton of milk. You can't expect things to last forever, and with the way things are going, 30, i'm just gonna call it quits. That's if i even make it to 30. If things get better then i might change my mind but, that is what is engraved in my brain at the moment.
I just don't have passion for this life anymore. i Have fucked things up so beyond repair that i can never feel normal again. I try. I honestly do, but there is always someone there to get my head that drops me down a level regardless if i'm doing nothing wrong.
Two great examples.
The other night, i went to this half a dyke-fest trash bar with my bf. I honestly try to blend in as much as possible and i really don't make a show of myself, cuz in all reality, its nice to not be noticed at this point, but regardless it never works, anyways on the way out, i wait for my bf to smoke a cigarette and he over hears a conversation from this group of faggots saying how hot he is, but what a shame that someone like him is with a porn star. It kept repeating in my head. "what a shame, what a shame, what a shame". I started to believe it. It is a shame, the label i give my bf for being with me. The shame i bring on my family, and anyone else around me. The shame i have made of myself. It still make me sick just thinking about it.
the other.
My friend said he was talking to this guy online. They had tryed to set up acouple dates or whatever and there plans fell through. Eventually they kinda stopped talking and the kid began going nuts on my friend. He started trash talking my friend and he even went to the extent to say, "I see your best friend is Erik Rhodes..." and began to trash my friend for being friends with me. Like guilty by association now if your even friends with a porn star.
Where do i get a break?
I have even considered just changing myself all together. Get permanent eye color change, dye my hair, lose weight and become someone else all together.

I'm not done with this blog, i just need to collect myself and walk away from this for a min.

Disassociative

2009-01-13T15:13:00.000-08:00

I've been wanting to write a blog for a couple days now, but i have had some much shit swimming through my head that i can't exactly focus myself.
My up's and downs have been extreme lately and have consisted of mainly, me screaming at my boyfriend since I'm having a hard time understanding him and then when I'm not looking to fight about something stupid, me wanting to cry about how worthless i feel and how much i don't feel loved by anyone. There hasn't been much in between lately, well, i take that back, the times i am somewhat content seems very short lived before I'm freaking out about the next thing. I keep telling myself to "just let the simple things go, normal people don't obsess like this and the ones that do are medicated", which has me looking to restart taking some sort of anti-depressant, anti- anxiety, shit maybe even some bi-polar medication. I'm just fed up feeling like this. I'm starting to think if i just make myself into a zombie and not care about anything, it will be alot easier than being so stressed out over bullshit.

But that is gonna be my last attempt, and if nothing changes, I'm gonna leave NYC and move my ass into the sun. I mean this city has been sucking the life out of me, for sometime, but it been manageable, now with this new relationship, its once again become unbearable. Then i still live in the same building with my ex' to have his tricks by-accidentally come knocking at my door looking for him and whatever sex party he is throwing, its like i have had enough. I'm tired of this drama filled city. Yeah i know its the same almost everywhere, faggots = drama, i understand that, but at least it will be like starting fresh. I can leave NYC and leave all my baggage and hopefully start new where people, yeah i guess will still see me a trashy porn star, but at least i can build a reputation fighting against the stereotypes. I lost the battle here in NYC, maybe it can be different somewhere else, maybe i can be happy.
funny thought...

Bitter Again

2009-01-06T08:45:00.000-08:00

So i apologize that my blog has taken a backseat to my relationship, but right now that's alot more important to me.

I have also begun to notice that the more i put out there the more these faggots will use against you and back stab you. Granted i have had alot more people approaching me lately about the blog and thanking me for putting it out there, telling me "thanks" for letting them know they're not alone, and trust me that makes it all worth it but then i get these leeches that use everything i say as an opportunity for there own selfish bullshit.
You know, its just not readers of this blog, i honestly believe it all faggots as a whole. Once you open yourself up to someone, thinking someone a friend, that when you find that they just are listening to you for there own selfish reasons. They don't care about you, they just care what they can get out of you.
I had been confiding in a friend or what i thought was a friend on a regular basis, about everything in my life including the troubles in my current relationship. I had even said that it was over between me and my current BF. Only to have this "friend" the same day, email what he thought was my ex a rude sexual comment. If this motherfucking friend knew anything about me and paid attention to anything i have ever say about any relationship i have ever been in, my relationships are never over when i think or maybe say they are, i might get pissed and think its what i want, but in reality i just need to cool down and then i just wanna be back with that guy. If this "friend" listened to me or this blog, he would know this, but like most fags just saw an opportunity for himself and went for it. It makes me sick.
This is New York City, there is more than enough faggots to hit on that you don't need to be stepping on my toes and throwing yourself at my bf or ex bf, if your my friend. Where is the fucking respect? I would NEVER touch one of my friends ex's and if i do, then i am defiantly not your friend.
Now and once again, I'm bitter. I don't have many friends and for exactly this reason. No one has respect for anyone in this community, and its disgusting. Its like, what is the point? As soon as your happy, everyone wants to destroy your happiness or leech off you. When your down, they just wanna kick you until your dirt. There is no in-between, there is no happy medium. Just one non-stop ugly cycle that gets worse and worse as you get older and older.
I'm just over the whole gay lifestyle... it goes nowhere. At least in the straight world, there is procreation and a point to go on. This gay world, it all about fucking and materialist bullshit, i would give it up in a heart beat if i could. This isn't life.
I was just thinking the other day as i did my typical routine, "jesus, this doesnt feel like living" and i thought to myself when in my life did i feel more alive? and it was when i woke up in hospital bed after OD'ing. I guess that why i been so obcessed with autoerotic asphyxia lately, when your life feels so meaningless at times, you need to wake yourself up and let you know your alive.

Beautiful

2008-12-24T19:21:00.000-08:00

Well I'm sitting here alone on X-mas eve and i came across this video and i think its absolutely beautiful, so i felt like sharing it with you guys... enjoy and happy holidays.

Breathe Me

2008-12-17T19:29:00.000-08:00

New Beginnings

My boyfriend and another blog had suggested that i change the name of my blog so after some thought, i felt like it was the right thing to do as well. I cannot honestly say i feel like I'm slipping away anymore. Granted i did at the beginning of this blog, i was watching my relationship slip away, my sobriety, my mind. Now, as much as everything is still not perfect in my life, i feel like I'm not giving up so easy, instead of letting my life slip through my hands, I'm taking it all for what its worth.
I'm even shocking myself right now, because as of lately i have had so many people trying to tear me down and typically i would just give up and let them, but unlike me, i have become obsessed with proving people wrong its force me to feel this uncommon sense of pride. I guess to break it down in simpler terms, I'm not thinking about killing myself right now , but more like i rather kill the ones that fuck with me and my relationship and stand in my way of finding happiness or my love of a lifetime.

I have been pretty good so far in letting all the rumours and bullshit slide off my back but just like that kid that gets abused in the hallways of high school, in this day and age it takes only so long before he brings a gun to school, writes some names on a couple bullets and starts emptying kids heads all over the walls. Granted I'm not gonna start killing people, even though i have daydreamed about in more than once when working out at my gym, but all I'm saying, is if you get your teeth knocked out maybe you'll second guess the next time you start running your mouth about someone HIV status. I'm mean, do i look like a push over? Do i look like someone that will run away from a fight?
anyways,
You know, i have never minded the name calling as far as being called a whore or slut, that's just part of the package deal when you sign up to be a porn star. But i think its fucking real low of homo's to use HIV as their own personal self esteem boost. The whole, "I'm obviously jealous of you, so i say you have HIV to make me seem more appealing" bullshit. Its sick. Plus, come on this is NYC, last i heard 1 out of 3 Chelsea queers have HIV, so all your joking and name calling is probely hitting close to home without you even knowing. So be that jerk. Plus seriously Karma is a bitch.

I guess where this is all going is basically saying I'm fed up with everyone trying to destroy my relationship, for whatever reason, weather you hate me, or your in love with what is now mine, just give it a rest.
I keep watching the last 6 mins of the series finale to the HBO show "Six Feet Under" and each time i watch it i start crying and sobbing like a girl. Its not because it shows everyone die, but its because right before each person dies they see what i would call their love of a lifetime and i think to myself how amazing that must feel. The extreme love to have for a person that the happiness of having them in your life is the most important thing that goes threw your head right before you die. I wanna know what the feel like, i wanna find that person. I want my love of a lifetime. I guess that's why i keep writing about people trying to destroy my relationship, cause who would want to destroy that for someone? I would never want to do that to someone else, but what keeps driving people to do it to me? I don't understand it. But i'm sure as shit will fight for it.

The Three words that change everything.

2008-12-08T08:04:00.000-08:00

I Love You.

I really didn't even see it coming. All i could think is "God, i don't think i have treated you anywhere good enough to deserve an I love you, already". But it felt really good.

I had caught myself from saying it acouple times. I felt like i didn't want to be the one to say it first and scare the other person away. I guess i just wanted to know he felt it to. I kept having a daydream of saying i love you and him turning to me and saying back "your a porn star, I'll never honestly love you".
It was something i was just starting to accept along with the fact that dating anyone good looking from Staten Island works those jealous fucks into a frenzy. Honestly the start of this relationship has shown me a new low for faggots as a whole.
How does dating a porn star make someone a whore? I don't understand it but that's all that this poor guy is hearing. Or is it maybe he got something you want? Possibly i got something you want? Either way does that deserve the label of being a whore? Why not just say... "I'm a stupid jealous fuck and i hope your relationship fails", i can understand that.
anyways...
But yeah, I love you changes alot. I'm trying to not be so jealous myself. If someone is willing to love me, and mean it and there shouldn't be jealousies behind that. There should be honesty and faith which are not 2 of my best traits but I'm taking it all day by day, and working my best at being as good as i can be to this guy. You know and if it doesn't work out for whatever reason, i just want a guy for once to look back and say "he was an amazing bf, it just didn't work". I'm tired of being a horror story in these peoples lives.

So from here on until this ends, i pledge my protection, my devotion and all of my heart. I love you, Anthony. ~ xoxo Your big bear.

Vicarious

2008-12-01T07:52:00.001-08:00

Well this is the first time in a real long time that i am so pre-occupied with someone else that i have completely forgot about my depression.

I wish i could say that it been a great time, but its honestly been very frustrating and filled with alot of anger. I cannot help using all the things that went wrong in past relationships, against the current one I'm in. I over think everything in a negative way and i don't believe the simplest of excuses. I over react, and I'm sure, for someone that is just trying to figure me out that I'm living up to all the crazy bullshit that he was warned about before getting wrapped up with me. I really wanted to prove the stories wrong, but I'm just living up to them. I'm am being everything they said i was.
Fuck, I'm like I'm a pre menopausal woman, my mood swings have been insane. I'm sure he never know what to expect. Nor do i really. I can't even control it anymore. The control i had is gone, a short lived memory. As if G wasn't a big enough crutch in my life. I find myself sucking it down each time i fight, just to get that fuzziness behind my eyes and to be able to breathe a calm breath. Flashback to my last relationship, and shooting up heroine after fights. I guess its not that bad just yet, but its feel like I'm on that path again. I doubt I'm gonna start using H again, but i hate having to use drugs just to make a relationship work.

It been almost 2 years since the start of my last relationship and even then my ex was bombarded with warnings about me. In 2 years the rumours have only gotten worse and it seems like now everyone has something to say, its seems like everyone has a fucking story. I'm not sure if its readers of this blog that think this is all I'm about or its just typical fags that judge me since i do porn, but beyond that normal stress of just getting to know someone and making an worthwhile connection, this bullshit has just been so draining. I can only imagine how it is for him.
I don't ask much for anyone, not from friends, not from family, not from fans and surely not from enemies, but Jesus, for once just leave me the fuck alone. You know if this relationship doesn't work, that's fine, but i wanna know it was because we choose not to make it work and not because some outside jealous source fucked it up for me. (Its insane that i need to even ask)

You know, it feel like forever since i let my guard down to care for someone else. But each time i look at him i can't help myself from thinking "this feels right james" It might possibly be the fact that each time he looks at me he kinda reminds me of puss-in-boots from Shrek, when he is doing that adorable innocent face, i swear it melts my heart.
I know, i focus so much on the bad things on this blog that sometimes i forget to mention the good days and the things that make me happy. Granted, this new relationship has been diffcult from alot of angles, and lets be honest i'll never be the easiest person to date, but when its been good, its been great. So thank you Anthony for that. Thank you for making me happy.

Thanks HX

2008-11-30T09:59:00.000-08:00

Do not let it get away...

2008-11-20T07:48:00.000-08:00

Well first thing is first, i stopped taking the meds.

I can't explain it but i started to feel like things were getting worse. Granted mentally i dont think i'm much better, but at least i kinda feel like myself again. Paranoid, angry and out of place feel more like home and in all honesty i dont mind being back. I think this is just the way i was designed and i'm becoming okay with it. On a postive note, i think the drugs actually gave me a sort of perspective into the crazy shit i do, and when i find myself loosing it, i'm now able to tell myself to calm down. Well... maybe its not that easy. I kinda loose it first, stop and focus, and then make the proper adjustments. I'm not sure if it matters by the time i figure it out but at least, it feels like i have more control...
I had mentioned in my last blog that i have met someone new, and surprisingly enough, i'm still talking with him. I do however feel like i'm scaring them away.
I honestly dont know how to date and i'm sure as fuck i do not understand how to treat a new relationship, how to treat someone new that i'm interested in. What i find myself, already doing, after only a few weeks of hanging out is me getting extremely jealous. The guy just has that look that draws people towards him and it seems like everywhere i go with him i'm wanting to fight these fucks off like he is already my boyfriend. I hate the way it feels honestly and have even considered just giving up on the relationship altogether cuz i just mentally, don't think i can handle it right now. I dont wanna be a jealous fuck, i hate feeling crazy for no reason. The first couple times it happened, i kinda fought myself into not caring and saying just let it go but obviously i couldnt and i would find myself ranting at him and going nuts. I mean i'm just waiting for him to walk out of my place and tell me i'm just not worth the hassel. I sware i can read the thought behind his eyes saying, run away now. He's stayed so far, but i'm positive he will not stomach much more of my bullshit.
I mean, come on, beyond me being a jealous porn star, which is an oxymoron in itself, the poor kid now has to deal with a new costant critisim i'm sure he has never dealt with before. "whats dating a porn stars like, how can you be okay with that?", "don't expect much from him", "omg i heard" this" about him", and so forth are just the daily reminders of what a mistake the people around him think he is making. God, sometimes i agree with them. i'm not worth his time, i not worth wasting his precious life on, i'm not worth the chance he is taking.
But he constantly reassures me that he gets to see what they don't see, the true person i am behind the faccad of being Erik Rhodes, and he keeps telling me it seems to be worth it.
In my head i keep thinking to myself, "Really, Why?"
"dont ask questions, keep it moving, this might only be another short glimpse of happiness, so enjoy it for what its worth now, oh god, they are not right about me"
Its what has honestly been keeping a smile on my face. Fuck, thats all i been asking for... someone to see me for me and just not be full of shit when they say it. And for some reason i believe him when he says it.
The problem is...
I have been wrong before.

*dont mind my spelling, spell check doesnt work on my mac, dick.

Trying to save something other than myself...

2008-11-11T17:30:00.000-08:00

Joe Oppedisano and Erik Rhodes Vs. Global Warming

In The Land Of Make Believe You Are Mine, In the Land Of Make Believe I'm Doing Fine

2008-11-04T17:38:00.000-08:00

Well, i guess i have to write something since my last post was taken down.

So i just got back from a long weekend in Baltimore, yeah Baltimore of all places, and you would think i could have some peace, well apparently Baltimore has Erik Rhodes fans to.
Anyways,
I had mentioned in my last blog that i started using an anti-depressant called Effexor. Its not exactly what i was hoping for. Granted, i am not over thinking, but now it just feel like there is something missing. I kinda feel like I'm waiting for something that is just not coming, waiting for a climax, and then realizing that there is not going to be one. I guess the best way i can describe it is like waiting for your friend as he gets ready to go out, anticipating and excited, only to have him turn around and say, "you know what, i feel like staying in. you can go alone if you want".
I finding myself alot more confused. Walking back and forth in my apartment, about to do something, with no clue what that thing is, walking back and forth a little more in hopes I'll figure it out, until i stop myself and say "James, what the fuck are you doing". I have to physically tell myself, "okay your getting ready for the gym". It so strange. Its like my brain is fighting me. I find that its making me get to the gym later and later.

On a positive note, i have met someone new... Granted its kinda fresh and I'm not sure where its going, but being able to hold someone i really like at night has been leaving a huge smile on my face.
I guess what is shocking about this new kid is that, i made the first move, i made the request to see him again, i am making this work, i am taking charge and getting what i want... This person is not me. My confidence normally is about equal to a 13 year old girl band geek with braces, glasses and rocks out on the xylophone. I guess I'm just tired of waiting for someone to approach me. I'm sure if i kept waiting I'd still be bitching. I'm tired of life passing me by.

* Thank You to the piece of shit that ratted out my blog for posting the free music I left in my last blog. I'm gonna post a new compilation soon without writing the track list, so anyone that's interested, just needs to send me a message on myspace for the track list and I'll avoid any copy write infringement. SO FUCK YOU, i win.

* Thanks to The Sword (www.thesword.com) for making me #14 on the sword 100. http://thesword.com/index.php/cultureschlock/1582-selections-from-the-sword-100.html.
I swear every time an new young fag emails me and says, "hey erik, i tried GHB last night because of you"... I say to myself, "damn it, James, your making a change inn this world!"

Turn the Television off...

I can't help laughing at myself.

2008-10-14T10:48:00.001-07:00

My Hooker Therapist

2008-09-30T17:01:00.000-07:00

I was walking home the other night, down 28th street to lex. If your a New Yorker you would know that this just happens to be where all the "50 dollar blow job in your car" female hookers work. Anyways, i walk past these sluts on a regular basis, and as oversexed and worn out as there pussies might be, they always cat call as i walk by. But this time was different. One of the regular blonds stopped me and said "I know your not "looking", but i just was wondering why is it that you never smile". Kinda shocked, the only thing i could respond with was " sorry but i don't talk with street hookers" and i walked away. I made it half way down the block before i began laughing to myself. I was actually returning home for getting my toes sucked for 500 bucks. I'm not sure why i think I'm any better than these sluts, i guess cuz I'm not working a street corner? Maybe cuz i don't wear fishnets and try to make a quota of at least 10 dicks in my mouth before i call it a night? Anyways what she said to me, got me thinking. Is it possible that these street walkers are somehow happier than me? I mean she called me out, i have walked past them a good enough times, is my daily unhappiness that obvious that these street hooker feel bad for me and feel the need to try to provide me with some sort of roadside therapy? Has it got that bad?I guess I'm never very really happy walking around my building anyways, i always fear that i will bump into my ex that still lives in my building. At points i hope to see him, just to walk past him and show him i don't care anymore, sometimes i wish to see him with whoever he is dating just to make his new fling feel inferior, other times i kinda wish we could just be friendly, so that i could possibly see my dogs that i miss so much.

Moving on,

So i have been throwing myself out there lately, going out as much as i hate it, talking with strangers and trying to be social, honestly past the point i am comfortable with. I'm not sure what i expect, but most nights i still go home disappointed. I have actually had some of the worst nights of my life just recently. i have chosen not to write about them to spare the poor kids i was withs egos. (yes Dylan and Evan, you awful little shits, I'm talking about you). I'm not sure why. Its just not worth talking about, just some more simple mistakes i have made that i have since corrected. I do not think i have lost control, the sex and drugs of being single, despite my huge bottle of G, have not got the best of me... yet. In fact my nightly G use has been me more happy then i been in awhile. Although, I still wake up hating life. I guess i can't have everything i want huh?

Oh a positive note, i have just signed my ass up for some health insurance. I look forward to countless hours of brainwashing and life changing sessions with a therapist. I predict a grocery list of prescriptions after my first visit. Hopefully I'll get some good shit that will feel alot better if i abuse them or inject them. Just kidding... maybe. I just want something that shuts my brain off. I'm tired of over thinking every little thing. I want the crazy persons dream of just being able to feel normal around people.

Mothers Milk

2008-09-20T09:43:00.000-07:00

Be cool! Drink up Kiddies!

Really, Is this News?

2008-09-16T21:25:00.001-07:00

http://gawker.com/5049924/the-porn-star-at-the-dominican-bar

The Angel Under a Sea of Black Umbrellas

2008-09-14T16:18:00.000-07:00

I feel used. I feel maniuplated. I feel walked on.

You know, after all is said and done, i have once again been made out to be the idiot and everyone could see it but me. I let love blind me, and then cripple me after it stabbed me in the back.
I spent so much time letting you tear me down, making me feel worthless, making me feel like i was beaneath you. I was so stupid.
I'm so happy now that i have finally figured it out.
What i thought was love was empty and fake. The person i thought you were, emtpy and fake.
I'm not sure how long you expected this charade to last before i figured it out. Before i saw you for who you really were... "The angel under a sea of black umbrellas". Mr. Perfect. The Know it all. The one that claimed to be so innocent, that had the most to hide.

I have never claimed to be perfect and i know that the majority of our break up was my fault. But when you laugh in my face and basically tell me my feeling are worthless to you, your lucky smashing your face into that wall was all i did. For someone with nothing, and is just starving for someone to listen to him and understand him, my feeling are all i have, and if that means nothing to you, it's like stabbing me in the heart while you smile in my face.

I hope your new Boyfriend knows how you begged to be with me for the last 2 weeks. I hope he knows that he was the fallback guy. (i have all the text messages you sent me to prove it and i'll save them all just for him if he does believe it, god knows your already preaching a boatload of bullshit to him also)

And now that i'm gone, i want you to notice, i want you to remember what you'll be missing...all of my love. Its gone and never coming back. I hate you. If you were dying in the street i wouldn't help you, i would only take a second to look while i spit in your face as i walk over you, that is all your worth to me now. I thought porn was my biggest regret in this life, but it not, Its you. If fact lets pretend it never happened. You and me never happened.

Helping me, help myself.

2008-09-08T07:29:00.000-07:00

The blog is a double edge sword.

As much as this blog has been a release for me it has also given to many people, to much insight into my personal world. You know it hard enough trying to start new relationships being a pornstar but I'm finding it even harder to do with a blog out there discussing what a fucking mess i am. I'm sure its hard enough for guys to see past the fact i do porn, and then this is out there? Its like meeting a new guy and being able to research all his flaws online. I'm helping people choose to walk away from me before even giving me a chance.

You know everyone has their certain level of bullshit they never tell anyone. Your friends, your Bf, your family members, they all have a dark side. But they all sleep fine at night cause they do their best at keeping whatever their perversion or dirty little secret, basically just that, by keeping it a secrete. This blog is all my dirty secrets and this is all my bullshit compiled, for all to read. It has let the freaks in and has kept anyone of value, away. I'm tired of it.

Its funny that two of the main topics of this blog, "love" and "my personal space" are two of the major things in my life that this blog is destroying. You know, as much as this depression has sucked, its opening my eyes (that's like my favorite line for this blog). When i have this guy try and kiss me and make me feel totally uncomfortable, i have to say to myself, "this is my fault"... i let this person in. When i have a guy approach me at the gym, grab my chest and whisper personal information in my ear, i have to say to myself. "this is my fault"... i let this person in.
I try and smile and laugh it off cause I'm sure they might not know what they are doing, maybe they do, either way, it make me feel like I'm sinking, its feels like I'm drowning, standing there on solid ground and it all my fault but its made me realize that I am the one causing my depression.

I guess what I'm trying to say is there has to be a change, and its honestly starting to look like the end of this blog. Its become more of a problem then a solution. Its only making me feel more and more empty. Its only making people look at me worse then they already do.
You know, when i see people whisper about me when i walk into a bar, I'm not sure what they are whispering about anymore, the porn or the mess from the blog? I could barely handle one, i don't need two.

So I'm not sure what gonna happen, i guess we'll just have to wait and see if i can handle keeping my thoughts to myself and if i can't, do contines writing and just water it down? Do I just just make this into another garbage porn star blog? Or do i just walk away all together... I'm torn cause this blog has reached out to so many people and i get emails all the time about it from people saying "dude, i feel the same way", and it always is a relief to feel like I'm not the only one out there like this but when do i draw the line inn the sand and say this is where it has to end, this is where i finally figure myself out and just leave everything else behind?

You know, i just want my certain level of bullshit also...

Oh, The Depression.

2008-09-01T10:16:00.000-07:00

So i have come to a point in my life of just pure confusion.

I pace back and forth in my apartment. Waiting. Only to realize I'm lost. No one is coming and there is nowhere to go. I sit down and and try to figure it all out and i can't. I'm lost. I'm lost with in my friends, I'm lost within my own family and I'm jut lost within my own head.
Like this morning i wake up fighting demons. Calling every drug dealer i have in my phone in hopes to just get wasted all day long. Thanks to lazy drugs dealers no one returns my calls. Which is for the best, but what if i got hooked up on the first call i made? I'm sure as shit wouldn't be writing this blog. But is that where i wanna be? It was when i woke up. Its not now, but i can't figure out how kill the bad sides of me. I can't help feeling totally defeated and just wanting to give up.

I choose to stay in last night after getting completely ready to go out cause i knew i wouldn't be able to stomach socializing. I wanted to though. How the fuck am i ever gonna meet new people if i don't throw myself out there? Then i think, if i do go out I'll just have to get so fucked up to handle being around people, that I'm not gonna meet anyone new if the first place cause I'll just be the fucked up porn star in the corner that people look at and point at and don't want anything to do with. Thanks but no thanks. The discomfort of being alone is much easier to manage than that. I figured to myself, i could get up early, do the gym and be productive without feeling drug hungover and miserable. Well, i still wake up miserable. Everyday i wake up miserable and one of these days soon I'm just gonna give up. I am not strong enough to deal with this life anymore, i made myself into this pathetic, shadow of a human. I'm so disconnected, just living each day to the next, i feel like a bum. You know, what drives a bum to live each day? Nothing, they just keep waking up on the street and saying "damn, another day, please god, would a cab run me the fuck over today". I feel the same way.

anyways,

It was funny, the other day i got a message on myspace from a guy that goes to my gym. The message was the typical, "your hot" bullshit that normally doesn't get someone a response, but i knew that the guy was from my gym so i responded and told him that i see him at the gym and how i thought it was funny how many guys that go there, that look like they hate me and won't give me the time of day that end up hitting me up on a website like myspace to talk. ( wow talk about a run-on sentence) To which he responded "well you are who you are and if i came up to talk to you people might talk". This drove me crazy. Like who the fuck am i? and who are you afraid to talk to? The slut pornstar, the depressed asshole self loathing blog writer, the funny guest host on D&R that isn't afraid to tell all the listeners when he shit his pants or maybe I'm the self absorbed ego maniac your friend said he saw at a bar. Whatever it maybe, Am i that far damaged that i can't get people to say hello, a smile, anything? I just get the fucking emails saying "well I'm afraid to talk to you since you are who you are, and as much as i think your hot, your not worth knowing in public". All i can think as i have over analyzed this conversation is "god, I'm sure people would talk to James, if they just gave him a chance". But i feel as much as i try and push the real me out, all anyone ever see's is Erik. Its starting to fuck with my head. Its starting to hurt.

I went to see my family yesterday. I can't help to think they read this blog and have started to feel bad for me. All the "i love yous and we are here for yous". But are you really? A good four years past where i was at my lowest and you weren't around then? But now that i spell it out for you in this blog, you understand me. I'm sorry, its not that easy. God, you should see me at these family gatherings, i feel like I'm oozing bullshit. I personally love it when the little kiddies ask me what kind of model i am and when family friends seem to sneak extra pictures of me cuz they don't know the truth yet. Oh what a disappointment i am.

I know this blog sounds so pathetic, and i am such a fucking broken record. its the same crying bullshit all the time from me. I'm sorry. I'm tired of it as much as you and i'm working on getting myself healthcare insurance, cuz i can't do this anymore. Something has finally clicked off and i dont think i'm gonna be able to turn it back on myself. My back is hurting from the weight thats on top of me and i just wanna breathe again. I dont wanna be this person anymore.

Everything i have in return for silence

2008-08-21T17:47:00.000-07:00

So I'm better.

Its back to my normal routine and i feel like I'm just play a game of catch up. I have put 10 pound back on so I'm not as depressed as i was earlier in the week but by no means do i feel happy go lucky. In fact i am just super pissed off at the world and as much as i would love a pull a Michael Douglas in one of my favorite movies "Falling Down", i have just simply been walking around in quiet contempt of everything and everyone. I been dreading simple conversations in the fear of just snapping. I can't help for reading most of this world as fake, i can't stand it.
Not to mention it seems like i have a whole new batch of readers that wanna save me, well let me be the first to say this is the wrong fucking time to reach out to me and trying to work your voodoo.

Maybe I'm bitter over me and Danny going our separate ways again? I don't think so. The fucking kid got mad at me for me yelling at a telemarketer who called my cell phone. Like, are you insane? What am i allowed to be pissed off at? I fucking allow people to invade my personal space every fucking day and i just let it pass cuz I'm trying to be nice, well fuck that and fuck him. Where do i draw the line or do i let myself suffer until there is not a single ounce of me left? I'm tired of being walked on, I'm tired of playing pussy boy. I refuse to sit here as the quiet whipping boy, while everyone gets what they want except me. I offer everything i got, right down to my last dollar and all i get in return is being told to shut up?
I can't. I have so much to say and no one to say it to, and you don't wanna listen? Then why the fuck do i need you in my life? I'll just cut you out like everyone else. I'm so much better alone... at least i keep trying to convince myself that. Maybe I'm not better alone but at least i know I'm better without you.

Sorry for that little rant. If you could see what a huge push over i could be, you would more than likely laugh at me. Obviously I'm tired of it, and honestly i could use someone new in my life. I watch a bunch of these other porn stars make you tube videos about there happy new love interests and i wonder to myself "why is it so hard for me". Granted i pick everyone to shreds in my head when I'm no prize pig myself. I can't help it. Maybe its just obvious that i have a couple storage units full of baggage and that's why people keep there distance? Maybe everyone is saying the same thing i say about them? Maybe these guys look at me and say, "shit i have nothing in common with him, so why waste my time". Granted if you are some pop diva worshipper, yeah keep your distance but i can tolerate alot, I dated a fucking cheerleader for Christ sake and they can almost technically be called inhuman.

*** In response to readers: I'm not the "why me" type. My comments are just based on frustration of not understanding simple human emotions. I'm not giving up though. I'm not going to bury my head in the sand and fly my white flag. This blog is basic inner monologue.

I don't know where this is going, i just felt like bitching, I'm done for now.

Sick

2008-08-12T16:32:00.000-07:00

So I'm sick as fuck.

I been over working my body as of recently so I'm not to surprised recent fever, but it fucking sucks. I've been 103 for the last 2 days and it feel like my brain is melting in my head. My whole body is sore and every time i cough it feels like someone is kicking me in the head.
Honestly I'm surprised i have been sick for this long. I'm to strong for this. Anyways I'm upset, over the weight I'm losing due to the fact i can barely hold down a meal. I've run out of protein mix and i honestly don't have the strength to walk down to the corner and pick some up.
This always happens also, i bust my ass to get my weight up, only to get sick, lose the weight and struggle to put it back on. Sometimes i wished i didn't care.

Thankfully my ex Danny has been taking care of me. Nothing is worse than being sick all alone. He has honestly been so good to me, and i love him so much for it. Yeah, i might be the big strong tough guy but sometimes i need to be babied. It lets me know that at least someone cares. God its nice to know someone cares.

PS. Save the HIV asumptions and Danny comments to yourself. You guys are so predictable.

Hello - Goodbye

2008-08-05T09:06:00.000-07:00

its been awhile...

Jesus, for once i don't have much to say. My monotonous routine has me fucking brain dead again. Basically nothing has changed in my life except what the date is and it feel pretty sad. No sex and no drugs. Its doesn't feel like me. I feel watered down. I'm not exactly happy but I'm filling my time with enough nonsense to keep me from being depressed. I have almost mastered the skill of being able to crack a believable fake smile at a seconds notice and i think its probably the best skill one could ever obtain. It has been a great way to blend in and keep the topic off how miserable i have been. Its weird as much as i don't mind talking about my life on here i rather not talk about it in person. Which only makes it more weird since more and more people have been approaching me with printed out pieces of this blog looking to talk about it. It honestly makes me feel stupid and embarrassed.
It like trying to explain a train wreck. I don't know how i got here? I don't know why i do half the shit i do? To be honest i don't wanna know. I just wanna forget.

Anyways, in all my free sober and sexless time i have forced myself to consider change. Something that will better me as a person and hopefully break this stupid cycle of lows and extreme lows. My goal is now to meet myself somewhere in the middle. I'm tired of living in my own personal hell and I'm sure as shit i will never fit in, in heaven so Purgatory is cool with me. I think i have talked about it a couple times already, it just taking that first step. Waking up to a dead world at sunrise and starting over. Erik Rhodes is dead and I forget every part of that old life, like it was a bad dream I woke up in the middle of, saying "thank god that wasn't real". Its time to move on.

I have a few ideas of what i wanna do with myself that I'm semi excited about that should suite me. I really would like to talk about them but once i move on, I'm gonna move on and not look back. Sorry to say i don't think I'm gonna allow anyone to follow. Come on, if i end up working a 9-5 i doubt readers will wanna here me bitch about my cubical or how much i wanna kill my manager anyways.
You know Kurt Cobain was onto something, "its better to burn out than fade away". I understand it and respect it. I rather not be doing porn and writing a blog so long that slowly people lose interest. Jesus think if Nirvana was still around and what shit albums they might be making? But their not, cause Kurt pulled the plug at the right time. Hey, and that's life i guess, live and blend in or kill yourself when the time is right and be the voice of your generation.
I think it would be alot harder to deal with if i ended up being just another dick in the orgy scene, having vicious blogger writing i'm to old and washed up or even just knowing no one is listening cause i barely have anyone reading my blog. I'm smart enough to know i have hit my high note, i have made my mark and i think its time to walk away proudly... well as proud as i can given my lifestyle.

Warning

2008-07-31T07:38:00.000-07:00

"I got an idea: You should get a tattoo that says "Warning"
That's all, just a warning, so the potential victim can take a left and save breath,
And avoid you, sober and upset in the morning" ~ Atmosphere

Are you "That Gay Guy"

2008-07-28T19:13:00.000-07:00

So i stole this idea from this months Details magazine. The Article was called "Are you that guy" So i choose to make the gay version. Here is the first 30 that popped in my head. Please feel free to add your own...

"You know him. You roll your eyes at him everyday. But if your guilty of any of the following behavioral blunders, chances other fags are rolling their eyes at you..."

1. You have a lower back tatoo (aka tramp stamp)

2. You schdule your weekend around what DJ is spinning at what club

3. You are a Drag Queen and a strict top

4. You start wearing wifebeaters to the gym the second you start using steroids

5. You use a special comb to brush your eyebrows

6. You still drink apple martinis

7. You are extremely hot with a hideous boyfriend

8. You have douche hose in your shower, that never comes down

9. You use the term "Bro"

10. You use the term "Fierce"

11. You are a stict top with insufficient equipment

12. You have only female friends that you drag everywhere you go

13. You wear Jeans, short shorts or fetish gear at the gym.

14. You try to convince everyone your Manhunt account is to hopefully find a long term relationship

15. You look like powder and only date black men

16. You wear color contacts

17. You dye your hair blond when you are in your 40's

18. You refer to yourself as masculine and set off everyones Gaydar

19. You call people "papi"

20. You are Republican

21. You choose to go see "Mama Mia" over seeing "The Dark Knight"

22. You cover the walls of your partment with pictures of the male form

23. You have "muscle", "hung", or your penis size somewhere in your screenname

24. You are a stict bottom that has never douched and say "don't worry, i'm always clean"

25. You didn't realize your BF was a porn star or escort until after you broke up with them

26. You shop at Ambercrobie and Fitch in your 40's

27. You are a cheerleader

28. You dress in 80's fashion and consider yourself fashion forward

29. You use the gym to prepare for your "So You Think You Can Dance" and "American Idol" auditions.

30. You are a porn star that writes a blog to express your feelings

B. Arthur on Steroids

2008-07-10T09:29:00.001-07:00

What can i say... i make one ugly bitch.

Stealing last breath

2008-07-05T20:23:00.000-07:00

My 4th of July.

So staying true to my fitting in with the gay world. I spent my 4th of July on Fire Island.
I would have to say the most fun i had on the island was when i just arrived and felt the need to break the ice at my friends timeshare by choosing to steal one of the drag queens wigs and sun dresses and transformed myself into B. Arther on steroids. I'm not sure what it is but i seem to get a kick out of dressing like an ugly bitch when I'm sober. Maybe I'm slowly finding my calling after porn as the ugliest drag queen this world has ever seen. Just a thought. lol.
Of course, after this the drug came out and that's right when everything got boring. (Mental Note).
We did all the parties... high tea, low tea, middle tea, up/down tea, around the bend tea, sideways tea, blow my fucking brains out tea. Basically its just the same party that moves to different place on the island. Because its an island, its all the same people are going to everything, yet you anticipate each party to hopefully be prettier then the last, only to find out, HOLY SHIT, ITS ALL THE SAME FUCKING PEOPLE. You either lower your standards or you do alot of drugs. I chose the drugs. But hey, it was the 4th of July and the only way you can show how much you care about your country is by getting as fucked up as possible and by blowing shit up right? well I was feeling it this year!

The worst part of going to fire island is the close to 2 hour trip home. I regrettably accepted a car ride home from a friend instead of taking the train. About 10 mins into the ride on the long island expressway, i quickly was sobered up and almost started to have a panic attack and realized how much hate long car rides. Its not that i don't trust the driver, well never mind, i don't trust the driver and i don't trust anyone driving around me either. I always picture dying in a "Final Destination" like car crash. The fact that he had a convertible and chose to drive the whole way home with the top down only enhanced my visions of a violent death. Something like the car flipping over and scrapping my face off before sliding to a stop. I thought "well this won't be dying on the couch because an overdoes like you always hoped but at least it will all be over". I was comforted for a moment with the thought yet couldn't stop using my fake emergency brake for the rest of the ride.

I woke up this morning feeling like shit and i instantly called my dealer. All he had was Crystal and as much as i hate doing crystal, i agreed to buying some. I thought fuck it. I'll just get high all day and take some sleeping pills when i crash and we'll pretend this day never existed.
Thankfully i had a half hour before he got here and my better judgement kicked in. I looked at myself in the mirror and said to myself " you know your just going to waste this, you work to hard to look like this to throw it away" Of course i didn't have the balls to call my dealer and say fuck it. So i let him come to my place and ring my buzzer for 20 mins before he finally gave up and left. Sucks for him.

I always do this, its kinda like a kid being denied candy. He eats all he can while his mothers back is turned and then gets sick from it. Then when he has the chance to do it again he doesn't cuz he knows what will happen. The same happens to me... i have my fill and then say...no more. That where i am now. Its not like I'm even having fun anymore, I'm just doing it. I'm getting more depressed and i don't wanna live like this.

I'm tired of trying to fit in. I don't wanna fit in.

Its time to take a break from drugs for awhile and I'm gonna try and find someone to fill this void. Yeah I'm co dependant, who cares. At least i wont be doing drugs. I am a fucking Twin, i was built to be with someone and that's what i need. At least that's how i feel right now.

My Gay Pride part 1 and part 2.

2008-07-01T06:52:00.000-07:00

I'm so sick and tired of censoring myself to please the readers of this blog, So fuck it I'm just not anymore.

My Gay Pride.

I really went out of my way this year.

I started the week off hanging out with a couple good friends at B-Bar on Tuesday night. I'm not normally they type of guy who hangs out during the week but my friend Derrek persuaded me. Well it wasn't that hard. It being Gay pride in NYC i knew that there would be tons of hot out of townees looking for a good time, well fuck it, i wanted to be that good time.
Anyways, of course i was taking G, my favorite current crutch and it seemed the more i got fucked up the more guys wanted to hook up with me. At one point when i felt like i was going to pass out, i went to rest on a wall outside. I chose a spot right next to a really hot guy, who just by chance felt like he was in the mood to suck a really fucked up guys dick. Well i was in no condition to say No. I stumbled into the bathroom with him and went to work on his face. He was the first of three guys to blow me in the bathroom that night. Until my friend showed up...
I call him "Cock Block Extraordinaire". As soon as he shows up and starts hanging around me is as soon as no one comes near me. I didn't realize this until this weekend. I'm not sure if it is his over the top personality or if people think we are going out but all i know is that i more than likely could have gotten 10 hot out of towners to blow me in the bathroom if he hadn't shown up. Well, you could imagine i chose not to call this friend to hang out with me the rest of the weekend.

Thursday night. I went to a friends party at Universal Gear. Universal Gear is this clothing store that is in the heart of Chelsea. Even though the store Carries the same Diesel and G-Star cloths as any of the major retailers i would never shop there because of the location. It makes the cloths seem to gay. Anyways, it was kinda lame but kinda fun at the same time. I hung out with good friends who got drunk in the middle of the store as i personally felt like a drug addict since i was drinking my now famous "G-tini" in the middle of a clothing store party, a fucking clothing store party!!! Pretty Pathetic.
After the party was over i spent the rest of the night waiting for a dealer to drop off some coke so that i had some more drugs for the rest of the long weekend. yeah yeah yeah, judge me all you want.
I guess the highlight of the night was running into my crush from LA that was here for pride. He always seems happy to see me, yet, i don't think he really gives a shit about me. I guess that's what i get for having a crush on a player.

Friday night. The Worst night of the weekend.
I started the night out by hanging at a friends house party. There i was extremely creeped out when one of the fucked up guests confessed to me that i broke his heart. He said that he and bumped into me on the street one day with my BF and from there became obsessed. He said that when he went home to where ever he lived that he told all his friends about me and that he was in love. He said that since he never saw me again that he was heart broken, but he was happy that i was at this party and that it must be fate. I find it incredible that someone who seemed pretty normal could make up such a sick obsession and fantasy world in there head. I made my friends keep him away from me the rest of the night. I did more g and forgot we even had the conversation, hopefully he doesnt kill himself.
My other highlight from that night before it all went downhill was my friend who was throwing the house party coming over to me and saying "I hate most of these fags from our gym, what are they doing in my home". To which i laugh pretty hard about and told him i hate most of them also. We both decided the only thing we could do was go to the bathroom and snort some more Jesus. I was calling it jesus since i think everytime i came out of the bathroom i would get a look from the guests " like what are you doing in there". I said told them "i'm sorry i took so long, i was reading the bible while i was taking shit" Me and Jesus were best friends that night. Well at least before he dissapeared.
From the house party we went to NYC's biggest tourist trap club called Splash. This is where the night goes wrong. I don't remember much except seeing my crush again who seemed completely uninterested in me and doing alot of G because if it.
Fast forward to waking up in the clubs office by one of the bouncers throwing a cup of cold water in my face. Apparently i passed out in one of the bathroom stales and was found by Falcon model TJ Hawke, who i threw up on before the bouncers dragged me into the office. The bouncers helped me outside and got me into a cab.
Fast Forward to waking up in my bed with my ex bf yelling at me that he was calling the cops if i didn't get out of bed and go to the hospital. I have no clue how he was in my apartment but he, my neighbor from my building, his girl friend along with one of my friends were all arguing about what to do with me. I was in shock with all of this going on around me. Next thing i know, there is 4 cops in my apartment questioning me. All i remember is them asking me "what is today's date" and i thought to myself... "Jesus, i don't know what the date is normally, what the fuck make you think I'm gonna know what day it is now" I responded "i have no clue." Then we had to wait for paramedics to get there to evaluate me.
When they got there they seemed annoyed i wasn't passed out on the floor, foaming at the mouth. I explained the situation and the guy didn't answer me and just left my apartment. I felt like screaming at him saying "motherfucker, I'm not the one wasting your time, i didn't want you here, i wish i was sleeping also".
It was a fucking circus.
All i could think is that if i died this night it would have been perfect. I had no clue what was going on. Who wants to stare a gun right in the face? Its much easier if you turn off the light and you dont see it coming. It would have felt like i was just going to sleep.

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Part 2

Saturday
I woke up feeling like shit. It honestly all felt like a dream.
It took awhile for me to get myself moving again, but i was back at the gym later that day. Since it was gay pride and David Barton is like a gay night club during the day it was like my night never ended. With all the shameless tourists in town, I must have given my number out to at least 6 guys which is a personal all time high. I thought to myself, its amazing so many people want my numbers when i feel and think, i look like a G'ed out mess. I guess i do a better job playing it off than i think.
Later that night, i had to work the Manhunt party that was at HK Lounge. I was asked to do it last minute and basically had to stand around and sign autographs for people that i think felt bad for me more than actually caring about a getting a signed pic from me. Maybe they did? I still cant grasp the concept of collecting porn star autographs. I don't have any talent... i just fuck in front of a camera... whatever.
Anyways, i hung out with Steve Cruz and Falcon Model TJ Hawke. TJ who was with me the night before helped me recount some what happened. He told me i scared him. To which i replied "You are not the first Falcon model i have scared". I think Roman Heart still likes to go around telling people the story of where he thought i was going to kill him. Everyone gets one, and most of the time they are really fun to tell your friends when it over, you just have to survive them.
This night i tried to get back into my G state of mind but just like a bad night of drinking to much of a certain alcohol, the taste made me sick. So instead i turned my attention to coke. She took care of me. Ambien put me to sleep.

Sunday and Bump woke me up.
It was time for the parade. Thank god i wasn't in it this year. I just wanted to be able to walk away from it when i had enough of it. But believe it or not, i had so much fun. I think its better to watch then to have to be the one trying to please the viewers. Even though i was not in the mood to be Erik Rhodes today it was unavoidable. Just walking through the crowd i was asked to take endless pictures. Each one as much as i really wasn't in the mood to do, I put my signature half ass smile on and and tried to please everyone as much as it didn't please me. My friend even said to me, "i don't know how you do it, don't you ever just wanna scream leave me alone". And i do, but i figure, what if i was the fan and all i wanted was a picture, and the person says NO for whatever reason... your whole image of that person would change. I think i am way to over hated as is to turn down anyone, I'm not better than anyone, fuck I'm so happy that anyone wants my picture to begin with. Still G and a couple bumps got me threw it alittle easier.
From the parade a couple friends and i went to the pier Dance. This being my first time. I would have to admit that i was in awe of all the beautiful men. So i really let loose. I actually fucking danced. Well, not really, more like a 2 step/ muscle shuffle. I hung out with the hottest of the hot and made out with enough beautiful guys that a normal person would have had his fill for over a year. And when the night was coming to an end, i think god said, you deserve this and gave me one of the prettiest guys i have been with in a long time, with a gifuckingnourmous cock to match. It was like god and i made a deal... if i didn't die before the weekend was out i was going to be blessed with an incredible hot guy to end my weekend with. Well thank you fucking Jebus.

All in all it was a good time.

But yes.... here we go...

I do have a problem. I have a problem with drugs and i am addicted to sex. I need to slow down. I would never want to date a guy like me, a guy like i was over this weekend. Guys like me make me sick. Funny right?
I don't like myself and I'm not sure what its gonna take to change. I wanna say i wish i had someone in my life that could straighten me out, but what the fuck am i offering? "Hey date me please, I will ruin your life!". Something will wake me up... I'm sure...

I'm sure.

A Final Goodbye, and Questions

2008-06-18T21:27:00.000-07:00

A Final Goodbye: All the things i forgot to say

I'm a broken record now but its hard to walk away without saying a few last things.

I'm sorry for who I am.

I'm sorry for who i couldn't be.

I know i said it a million times but i never wanted it to end.

I'm sorry for being to afraid to make the changes needed to make our relationship work.

I know i can say I'm sorry till I'm blue in the face and it will never be enough to make things better. But it goes deeper than me just losing a lover and a best friend but it feel like I'm losing my family. Its that certain sense of comfort that people search their whole lives for, and i had that, with you. That type of love is unmeasurable. Its something i never experienced until meeting you. And...
I know we weren't perfect, god know i personally never will be. But its all our flaws and all our personal quirks that complimented each other and made us strangely perfect for each other. Well at least in my eyes.
I guess the hardest part of walking away is losing all the little things i fell in love with. All those stupid little things you did that someone else might take for granted. I know i am the worst as showing emotions in person, but its all those little things that made my heart beats faster every time you did them. It those little thing that made me say to myself "god, this is why i love him". And now that your not here i regret not saying everything i was thinking. i regret not stealing enough kisses. I regret not saying i love you enough.

To keep it short and simple, I'm sorry for every tear, for every frown, for any second that you felt lonely. I'm sorry for ruining your life.
You have said to me so many times that you deserve better and its hard for me to admit it, but i agree.
My life will never be the same without you, i can only wish that your life is better without me.

I will never forget you

"we crack a smile and then our hands let go....."

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Answering questions to avoid being a one dimensional character:

What do i hate besides porn, music and the gym?
Well i think you missed the point somewhere, but i love the gym and music. I just hate my gym and a bunch of the silly faggots that go there. As for music, dude, music is my life, IBM not sure where you got that from. As for porn, yeah, i guess i hate porn.
As for what else i hate...damn there is alot and i could be here all day, so just keep reading I'm sure I'll hit on everything at some point or another.

What is the last book that i read?
I don't read books. My attention span just can't handle them. But i do read alot of magazines religiously. Blender (its like watching v-h1 but in magazine form) GQ (yet i still have no style beyond looking like a dude to old to be wearing band t-shirts and dressing like a skater. Yet, could i dress my ex and make him look amazing) Muscle and Fitness (obviously)

What city/country do i want to visit that i haven't?
Well i miss London and i always wanted to go to Berlin. And its funny cuz i planned on go to both in the near future with the traveling party called Hustlerball. The jobs required me to basically dance on stage naked, which i wasn't into, but i figured, if i got a free trip out of it and a performance fee, it would be worth it. Until they tell me the performance fee is 100 euro. Which was like slapping me in the face. After i read the performance contract also it said that i would also have to be shacked up with another model, which was also insulting. So i countered there cheap offer with agreeing to the rate but i would require my own room. They cheaply denied me. Cheap fucks. Sorry London and Berlin, maybe I'll see you in the future.

What do i think about religion?
I think the world likes playing a big game a make believe. Jesus was an early version of David Blaine. I pity the people that dedicate there lives to something has been completely disproven.

Vitamins?
I take so many vitamins and supplements its crazy.
I guess I'll just list them: Whey and Casein Protein, Creatine, BCAA's, NO, Glutimine, Eurycoma Longifolia Jack, Forskolin, 6,17 Keto, 6-oxo, Phosphatidylserine, Taurine, blah blah blah.

(i give up on the rest of the questions, lol)

Dryspell

2008-06-12T14:43:00.000-07:00

Home from Vegas

I am trying really hard to not sink back into depression but nothing seems to be working. I really expected Vegas and the trip to be something it wasn't. I mean, yeah i did have alittle bit of fun but it just seemed to be missing something. I think its because my heart is not in porn anymore, its lost all the excitement that it used to have and now its just like having a 9-5. Like when that alarm clock goes off at 8am and you just wish you were dead, well its kinda the same way here except throw some naked guys in the mix. Its like going thru the motions and hoping no one notices that you are completely somewhere else in your head. Wishing it was over. Wishing it was all over.
The funny thing about a 9-5 is that at 5 o'clock, people are happy to get off and go home and be with the people they care about, when i punch my time card, there is nothing to go to. There is no one waiting.
God i'm miserable.

Oh and i'm also over the readers of this blog that cant take a fucking joke and don't wanna listen to my opinions. If you hate what i'm saying, dont fucking read this. Its that simple. I'm over saying "i'm right handed" and all the left handed people scream "Kill erik rhodes, he is a whore for being right handed". Its so stupid it makes my head spin.

It funny the more I hate doing porn the more it likes me:
According to AVN:
Top 100 Gay/Bi Sales & Rentals
1. Fleet Week
2. Winter Heat
3. Head Hunters Inc.
4. Telescope
5. Hollywood Sex Club

Go back to sleep

2008-06-08T23:48:00.000-07:00

I don't know about you but i'm fucking over that last blog....

I'm in Vegas now, shooting a film. This is my first time here and i think i will be my last, at least personally, work is another story.
I'm not sure what the big deal is but, it just seems like a tourist hell in the middle of a desert. Who the fuck would wanna live in a place where your main and only attraction is one street that is flooded with purple haired women, and white trash.
Hey but its got its live shows right? I mean, i sware i just might throw a bitch fit if i dont get to see Rosanne Bar or Carrot Top while i'm here.
Fuck this place.
However, i think i found a great way to get my Vegas fix without losing hundreds of dollars gambling or seeing Celine Dion,( is that silly bitch still here?)
anyways
I wanna hire a Hooker. A female one. But not to fuck her. I would Get all the Falcon models and place her in the center of the room and just spit all over her. ANd not just watered down pussy spit, but full on luggies. You know, the thick yellow ones you cough up in the morning. those ones. We can even film it and be the next big sensation like 2girls1cup, but it will be "5 falcon guys 1 hooker covered in phelm". Get some good slowmo shots of big clams spalshing her in the face. All we need is like 30 mins, i'm sure everyone would get their fill.
Fuck, sounds like a good time to me.
MAybe tomorrow. If i remember. goodnight.

Annoyed (updated)

2008-06-04T16:17:00.000-07:00

I am beginning to become more and more frustrated with my overly gay gym.

I love my gym but the more I see men flat out dancing in the mirror like they are at their own personal dance club, its INFURIATING. I sit and watch them and envision myself taking a 25 pound plate, knocking them on the floor mid dance step and bashing there brain out of there skull. I laugh to myself with the thought. Today i almost lost it. But came up with a possible solution to my problem without having to go up to the person as say "dude, you need to stop".
It pretty ingenuous if you ask me...I think i will have business cards made up that say "You look like an asshole". So when i see that flamer start practicing his dance moves in-between work outs, i can simply walk over to him and hand him the card and walk away. Problem solved.
I also hate watching a guy throw punches into a mirror as if he was getting ready for a prize fight. What make a guy all of a sudden think they are a fighter after lifting weights for 20 mins? Does he think that someone is going to see him, and think he is a bad ass, a force to reckoned with, an ultimate fighter? I'm sure as soon as someone got in his face, ready to fight him he would run away so fast he stir up a dust cloud like he was in a cartoon. Not to mention again, that this is a gay gym, i would understand it better if the guy went up to the mirror and started slapping it. Then i would say "girl-friend is getting ready for a fight". Anyways I would give this guy the card also.

-------------------------------------------------------

I knew i would get crucified for this post. I was going to write a paragraph saying to please not confuse this for me having en ego, thinking that i think I'm perfect or anything like that. I just think people should follow a certain gym edicit. Don't sing and dance, don't pretend to be training for a title fight, don't treat the gym like its your only way of socializing. You know your gonna see all these fags at the bar later so stop wasting everyone elses time. Oh and please leave your fucking fetish gear at home. I yelled at a guy today who i saw taking off his cock ring after leaving the sauna. It fucking pisses me off that i pay to be in an inviorment that other fags treat like a fucking bathhouse.
Its just that simple. I'm not saying you need to look like me to enjoy your life. Be fat, be skinny, be fat skinny, take steroids and look gross, its your fucking life, but if you come to the gym i work out at and don't want me, and the other people who take working out seriously to think your an asshole then take what i wrote to heart. God, some of you guys are even more emotional then me, fucking sissies.

Shoot me down.

2008-06-02T15:51:00.000-07:00

I just got back from Boston today...

I swear i feel like a saint. I dont know if i'm doing it for my ex boyfriends approval but i have gone out of my way to not hook up with anyone. Granted i spent most of my weekend in a paranoid cloud, floating around Boston with all the painkiller i was taking but the painkiller are not the issue between us. Its me being a "whore" as he frequently calls me.
As soon as i get home, I'm lonely. I need comfort from someone and i look towards him. When i get home from these events he looks at me as if i'm just getting home from an orgy. I try to explain to him that i haven't done anything, that honestly i havent been in the mood and even if i was, i persoanlly want more than just another meaningless hook up. But he doesnt want to hear it, he is already to far gone in hating me that he can't go back. He tries sometimes, but it only last a few hours and then i transform back into the enemy. Its so weird, but i can almost watch the change in his eyes, i can see it and i still dont run. Its just me being stupid again, i wait around until i'm asked, or screamed at to leave. Its like clockwork. Anyways i find us arguing about issues we had in the first month of our relationship when i had a slip- up using meth. Yeah i know it hurt him, but at what point do you try to see past it? He can't. He can't see past the little things and see the whole picture. He can't see a future, when all these thing wont matter anymore. When its back to just me and him.
I'm losing the drive to put in the man-hours needed to fix this broken machine. My hands are greesy and bleeding and i'm tired, i'm doing overtime now and i wanna give up and not look back.
No more looking for comfort. No more looking for his approval. No more caring at all. I don't wish death on him but, i wish for a life free from him.

Which lead me to my next thought. I am considering discontinuing this blog. Its has let to many people invade my life. Yes, i have come across some great people and have gotten some great advice and whatnot, but it has also attracted freaks. People that read this and think that they are going to save me, or they think that i'm perfect for them. Calling my cell phone, asking me on dates thru myspace. Yes its all flattering but if anyone reads this close enough, they would know that is far from what i want. I dont want someone to come into my life with the intensions of saving me, i rather have someone coming in my life and save me without him even knowing it.
Nothing is set in stone yet, but its making me lose the drive to keep writing. I'm tired of giving the freaks ammunition for them to think they acually know me. Like this past weekend, this kid comes up to me and say he knows me and we have a connection. I figured i had met him somewhere in the past. Anyway as i watch the kid go from normal to crazy i start asking questions and basically, he says he know me since he reads my blog and that he relates to me. All i could think is that crazy people relate to me. Lets be honest, i dont need anymore crazy people in my life.

I been kinda depressed lately and i blame myself. I been using painkillers as my current crutch. I was doing so good to but all these appearances and shit... i need something to make myself feel normal, something to help me feel okay with all the attention. To be honest it really hasnt been working cuz i take to much and make my normal time go from feeling ok to straight up paranoid, then from paranoid to me throwing up all over my nice hotel room at the Marriot. To needing an ambien to make me pass out.
Then when i wake up in the morning, feeling like death in a room that looks like britney spears was hanging out with me and i have no one to get comfort from. Its just lonely me sitting in my own personal hell. And when i think it cant get much worse that asshole who just found my blog and is now infactuated with me, calls me looking for a date, I fight with him and his pure stupidity for not seeing how asking me on a date after reading my blog is exactly what i'm not looking to get out of writing my thoughts, he doesnt get it... these are the days i couldnt hate life much more then i do right now.

How Alive? 2 Alive...

2008-05-25T19:05:00.000-07:00

So I am finally an award winning porn star.

Well it was The Grabby Awards in Chicago last night and i finally won, not one, but two awards. I was shocked. I won Best Versatile Performer and Best Actor.
The Best Vers. Performer, i can understand, cause i can give it as well as i can take it, so kudos to me for that one, cause my competition was pretty strong. And to anyone that was there and took offence my speech...it was a joke, i don't think I'm better than anyone, hence me being so shocked.
As far as Best Actor... well i just think its silly. I am the worse actor EVER!. I am the definition of bad porn acting. Although, i have yet to see Ivy League (the movie i was nominated for, i think...) maybe, its better than my other stuff? Maybe the people who choose winners are just big fans of bad acting like, you know how gays love the movie "Showgirls". Well same difference here. Who knows, possible they watched the movie on LSD, shrooms or some other mind altering drugs.
Oh Well,Fuck it, I'll take it with pride. Cause shit, who knows when I'm going to get another.
Thanks again to much to Stacey, Mark and all of Gay Chicago!

Anyways, I'm home already and I'm happy to be. I could only take playing that happy porn star bit for so long. I mean, yes i was happy to win, but Jesus, nonstop pictures and attention, its just not me. After the awards I didn't even go out and celebrate. Crazy Right? I went back to my hotel room after the awards to change and it was like i was scared to go back out. I sat on my bed trying to reason why i needed to go back out, but i just couldn't. I didn't wanna do drugs, i didn't want to have sex and i, sure as fuck didn't wanna see anymore porn stars. Not exactly how i planned it in my head but stranger things have happened.

Watching Jerry Springer and the rain outside.

2008-05-16T18:27:00.000-07:00

Are you listening? plus Q&A

2008-05-13T07:21:00.000-07:00

They are not even listening...

(night)
I can sit here and try to explain myself to someone who seems so interested in knowing me and i feel like I must be speaking a different language. I have an ego. I am Erik Rhodes. I'm everyone else....Apparently your not even listening. I'm left holding my head like I'm insane. Maybe i can't even hear myself talking. Why can i not get through to anyone?
Its funny, i tried having conversations with people including Danny recently where, i can be right in the middle of telling a story or talking about my day, and i get cut off before i can even finish or even explain the validity of what I'm talking about. Kinda like they are not listening or they letting me know that they really don't care what I'm saying..... I don't ask, i just shut up and pretend i haven't said anything.... It seems to be happening more and more often and I'm not sure what it is. All i do know is that whatever I'm saying is obviously not important.. well at least when the words are coming out of my mouth, they just don't seem to hold any water.
Here people listen... well i thought they did.
A man stopped me on the street the other day to tell me that he was a reader of my blog. I thanked him and he went on to say "Your blog is so cool, YOU, are so cool". My first thought was "what a cool True Romance like reference", and then i thought... "cool? he is not even listening"
That's i all i want... just for someone to listen.
Maybe that's why i don't have many friends.. cause no one wants to listen. I curse to much, i complain to much, i don't have anything good to talk about. But maybe if you listened alittle harder you would see that there is so much more going on.
When no one listens are you really alive?
Goddamn it.

(morning)
A reader named Brian asked a bunch of questions regarding escorting. At first i thought he was a rude asshole and i still kinda do, but at the same time i have had so many crazy experiences, people seem to get a kick out of the stories, so I'll pretend to be nice....

First, what was the longest duration of time you have ever spent with a client? How much did you charge for that time?
Its always hard to be friends with a complete stranger for very long. So unless i get a good vibe from the person or they just let me do my own thing, i try not to stay long. I think longest i stayed with someone was a week in Miami. Since these situations can sometimes be terribly uncomfortable you better believe that i charge out the ass. I'm not sure how much i took home from that experience but i was able to pay my New York city rent for about 3 months from it.LOL.

2. What is the strangest request a client has asked of you to do to him or them etc. Did you charge extra?
What i have come to learn from being an escort is that Men can be fucking crazy! I have seen some of the weirdest fetishes. But i do not judge, Why? cuz I'm only 26, who knows what I'm gonna be into when I'm 40 something and wanna get off, ya know.
But as far the strangest request goes, of course it would be the grossest. I shit in a guys mouth. Sure it was disgusting and i needed to be drunk in order to do it. But just figure... i got paid to do something that would happen naturally anyways. I was in and out of there, 400 buck richer and i didn't even have to stick around while he ate it. Easy work if you ask me.

3. Do clients tip beyond regular payment? If so what is the biggest tip you have ever received (and don't say the tip that was attached to a 12 inch beer can thick cock LOL)
Yes some tip beyond the normal pay rate which i always find nice. Some have even tipped me in the thousands. Which is always nice to find out as you count your money in the cab ride home. Rule of thumb: Unless you are a trashy street walker or your client is high, you never count your money in front of them. Its rude and it always make the experience more personal for them.
As for a client with a huge cock... your goddamn right, that is a great tip for me. Getting paid to get pounded out by a huge dick never seems like work. It feels like stealing.

4. What has been the most extreme/weird thing you have allowed a client to do to YOU? What you charge them for it or were you actually into the request and kept your price point the same?
About 10 experiences instantly come to mind. I guess I'll talk about a few.
First would be a guy that was into spanking me. About 15 mins into it my ass was raw and i was starting to get pissed. I asked the guy to stop and we could do whatever else he wanted, just no more spanking. He agreed. Then spanked me again, He would say he was sorry... then do it again and again. I finally told him, "listen spank me again, I'm going to punch you in the face" he said okay, and spanked me again. I st oped put my cloths on and said i was done. He paid me. I walked out of there feeling worthless. This was the first time that escorting ever made me feel like shit. I have not worked for a person into spanking since.

The second would have to be this S/M scene. It was my first time meeting this guy and he asked if he could tie me up. Since I'm a bigger guy i figured, "yah, I'm sure i can get out of whatever this guy does to me anyways so, sure tie me up" Well by the time he was done with all his intricate knots i couldn't move. Then he put a black mask over my head and pushed me on the bed. It was the first time i thought i would be helpless if this guy wanted to kill me. But he didn't instead he put and electrode around my balls and one up my ass and began to shock the fuck out of me. I actually kinda liked it but couldn't get off cuz i thought that this was just foreplay before he butchers me. It was funny afterward as he untied me, he admitted that he had played beach volleyball with me on Fire Island and that the whole time he played that this was what he was fantasy going on in his head. I hold him i didn't remember him. i got paid and left.

The third, every time i tell someone about it, they ask if it was recorded. I was hired to be the white bottom of an 9 black guy gang bang. The only requirement was 9 inches or better. So there was 10, 11, 12 and me, high, ass up in the center of a freshly made up king size bed at the Waldorf Astoria. I got there at about 8pm and left at 10 the next morning when my ass had swoll itself shut. I got home and crawled into bed with my bf and wanted to die. But i was 5 grand richer.

5. Do you have a price point system where you're spending time with someone but in that time if they want something off the beaten path ie . water sports etc. Do you up the price or its all part of the time spent?
No price points. We come up with an hourly rate in case you go over that hour so you know after the hour you start to pay more. But if you cum in 15 mins... you pay the hour rate. As far as WS goes, i have made arrangements base on guys just coming over my place to drink my piss and leave. That's easy, but my piss still run about 250 bucks. So drink up!!!

6. Ever get flown out somewhere to meet a client? Where is the farthest place you've been?
Thanks to escorting i have been tons of place i never thought i would go. Flown on private jets and all that good shit. But Germany has been the farthest so far

7. Naturally I know you can't say names (would be awesome if you did though) but have you ever been hired by any famous celebrities and were they complete freaks! *note, politicians don't count cause they are all closet cases... the republicans anyway.
Yes, i even have cum in a few. But no, the names are in the vault. But yeah i think I've done more politicians than anything. The Republicans are the weirdest.

8. And lastly , you have mentioned before how you got a "new lease on life" after you found out you were HIV negative and mentioned that you did some extreme things that could have gotten you in trouble back when you "didn't give a shit"
How many different guys dropped loads in your ass over a 48 hour period of time?
Yeah i think we have all had our Dawson 40 load weekends fantasy, I'm know i have. Shit where do you think my dog got his name. But i don't know the answer to that question. I know i was in some bad situations where i was high and i just don't know. But i been tested since basically everything on this little Q and A and I'm clean as a whistle. Somehow. That why my escorting has basically slowed down to a crawl, it has to be worth it now.

Erikisgonnaburninhellmegamix #1

2008-05-11T17:35:00.000-07:00

So i have somethings coming up...

I will be in Chicago for the Grabby's which i think is on the 24th. For you that don't know what the Grabby' are it is a gay porn award ceremony. I'm not sure how many Garbby's I have been up for in the past, all I do know is that i've lost everytime. As far as both award cemeomonies go, i'm a big fat goose egg and nine. Its actually funny, everytime i go to one of these things, i get swept away in what everyone else says, "oh your a shoe in, to win". I don't believe it but kinda gets stuck in my head, and then when the results are read, and i lose, I get fucking pissed, like what is wrong with me. Its silly actually... did i not fuck hard enough? did i not cum enough? do i not get vocal enough when i'm getting pounded out? am i not a good enough performer.
Yes, porn has me worn out, but just like anything you do in life you kinda want whatever you do to be the best. Its no different here. (i can see all the post now about me complaining about this... please save it).
Its even got to the point where i have begun to rationalize the whole situation differently to make myself feel better. LOL. I say, Well its okay to lose. Why? Becasue all the guys that have won early in there career have already hit there high note, and where do you go from there... down. So when the next porn awards rolls around and your not even nominated at least i can sitt there and say that i have steadily increased my amount of nomination, i have just failed to hit my high note yet. And that is fine by me.
Although i do think this will be my year. During the last Awards ( The Gayvn's) I schmoozed with the right people in between all the coke and G I did. I do think i managed to get the right people on my side. Yes, its all politics here in porn also. You gotta suck the right dicks before you get yourself any awards. (JK)
But i guess we will see. Like the last awards, i'm not planning on winning anything, i'm just need to tell myself, i'm going to have a good time and if i win something that will just be a plus.

From Chicago i will be going to Boston for a Manhunt Event. The one that coninsides with those pics that i took not long ago with Joe O. that i had posted on here. I'm not sure what this event will consist of cuz i know i'm not dancing. I will not be 2-stepping, or doing the fucking muscle shuffle or anything like that. So any readers from Boston that just wanna come look at me stand around getting fucked up. Please come by, LOL. I will not dissapoint.

----------------------------------------------------------------

As far as where i am in life...

I don't know where the fuck i am. Alot of the time I feel like i'm a stanger living in this body. I have been staying in and sticking to myself again. And as much as readers are going to hate this, but i have been hanging out with my ex again. He has been going through some rough times right now and much as you would think that i would be excited over thought of him struggling, i feel like i'm right there with him. I can't help it. My heart just won't dissconnect that easily. Do i think we should be giving it another go at our realtionship again?... right now, No. But am i going to be there for him anyway i can, so he doesnt have to struggle. Yeah, (until my fucking heart gives out).
But besides that, i'm not sure what has been wrong with me. My sex drive has been shit and my social aniexty has been at an all time high. The last time 2 times i tried to go to the movies i could do i cuz i just couldnt bare to be around people and then this weekend i forced myself to go see IronMan. I was kinda happy becasue i sat at the end of the isle, but walking in there i kinda felt like i was going to break out in Hives. (oh and yes, Terrence Howards charater in Ironman is named James Rhodes, weird). I wonder what the Grabbys are gonna be like. I just might freak out.

Guilt Trip

2008-05-05T15:11:00.000-07:00

down and up, down and up, down...

So without trying to hard i think i destroyed another relationship/friendship/just someone who made me smile and was great to cuddle with,ship. Of course, it being work related. I think its hard for someone to understand, since i have alot of free time, that when work comes up, unfortunately, i need to work regardless of plans and everything else. Most of the time they don't understand and i get the guilt trip. Those good ol' goddamn guilt trips. Like I'm some soulless monster that doesn't feel bad to enough to begin with. Nothing like laying it on thick so i can feel bad the whole time I'm working, ya know, suck all the fucking fun out of something i don't like doing in the first place. To top it all of with a ruined relationship when i get home.
But, to be honest I'm not even sure if its ruined, at the same time its to fresh to want to even argue. So instead, i just shut down. Since the day in question, i have yet to receive a text or a phone call, and I'm way to far of a pussy to make that leap, to be 100 percent honest, I'm just afraid of getting the guilt trip. Shit, my parent wonder why i never pick up their phone calls. Its just guilt trip after guilt trip. I've had enough.

That's one of the reason why being single has been so good to me so far. No one to bitch at me. Instead of bitching i just i have come across this new and pretty pathetic trend of men, (and just not gross ones) throwing themselves at me by offering themselves up to just basically service me however i want.
I'm confused by however. The first thought that comes into my head is "I wonder if this dude will shave my back?" Every time i ask my brother to do it, he bitchs the whole way thru, so i know its not a fun job and surely sounds like service to me.
Anyways, i can't be more turned off by this. However, if i am extremely horny and i lose my morals, this is the type of person i will undoubtedly treat like shit. Pump and dump their face and not even let them shower before i ask them to leave. So thanks for the offers dudes, but no thanks.
Yes, i do porn, but the easiest way to my heart and to get me in the sack is thru some good Italian food and a movie. It normally works, unless the food is bad and the movie sucks. Well... then you'll just be in for a night of me bitching. LOL.

So a bunch of people have been asked me how the Atmosphere concert was. Well to me it was like having a great soundtrack and an amazing performance while sitting in a pit of hell.
While i stood around for the 2 and a half hours while the worse DJ on the planet force fed us exactly why today's commercial hip hop is such garbage, i got to cruise the crowd and the insanely hot wanna be white gangsters that came to see atmosphere perform. In my head i hoped for one of them to come up to me and say "omg I know who you are". I didn't happen. Apparently as hot as they were, this was not my crowd. LOL. I kinda felt like that old perverted fag that parents warn their children about, cuz i couldn't help wanting to ass rape a hot drunk gangster in the bathroom. That also didn't happen. After the awful DJ ended his set, me and my friend went and got food assuming atmosphere wasn't coming on for awhile. When we got back the opening act, Abstract Rude got on stage. I heard about him, but never gave him the time, so i was happy to listen...to be honest anything was better than that fucking DJ at this point. Abstract Rude however being better than the DJ, was a disappointment. The beats were standard and his rhymes lacked creativity with the typical raps about weed and why he is better than then the next guy. Then about a half hour in, this amazing beat comes on, which has me totally surprised. Okay Abstract Rude's rhymes weren't gonna get any better but this beat was dope. I thought, this had to be the high point... Atmosphere has to be coming up next. "Thanks Abstract, for saving us from that DJ and giving us one decent song, NOW GET THE FUCK OFF THE STAGE SO WE CAM ENJOY SOME TRUE TALENT", i thought. But no. Every high point has to come back a low point right?, well... in my world it does. So Abstract Rude tortured us after his only good song with about 3 or 4 more painful tracks filled with every rap cliche known to man. After that and me desperately holding myself back from starting to drink, and not just to drink but drinking to get fucking shit face drunk. Atmosphere finally made it on stage with a full band in tow.
Normally i want my rap to the rap I'm used to. A bunch broke guys making beat and stealing amazing samples from a computer and turntable, That's it. The whole live band thing, wanna-be Roots like bullshit? Not really my thing. I wasn't sure whether i was gonna like this.
Was i ever wrong. I'm not sure if i was just hypnotised by Slug's rapping but all the beats sounded the same and as an added bonus instead of using the samples _like i normally like)they had a female vocalist there to do all the samples Live and She fucking rocked. I could go track by track, but i will not bore you guys. But he did play a great combination of my old favorites and new material, either way i was rapping along to every song and probley looked like an old juice head who is trying to relive his youth but fuck it, i didn't care. Plus i took position right behind probely the hottest wanna be gangster in the whole crowd and just enjoyed myself. Ultimately it was a great fucking show. All the garbage in the beginning was worth the wait.
Oh yeah. Of course the next day i finally got a couple messages on my myspace from kids who were at the show but were with there friends and couldn't say anything to me since they were closeted. I knew there had to be some.(to bad it wasn't the hot one i stood behind, damn James you cant have them all)

Checking in

2008-04-30T07:09:00.000-07:00

Just checking in...

So my life has been pretty boring lately. Its all just same shit new day. But i'm happy. I haven't even had my typical ups and downs and crazy mood swings. I've just been pretty mellow. No self abusive behavior. No drugs. Just James, the gym and alot of bad TV.
I think i've finally come to terms with being single and not needing someone else in my life just to get by. Granted i have met someone special, but i refuse to force anything. Just take it at all face value to avoid jealousies and all that other bullshit i dont need in my life. The best comment i've heard lately is "The only person that will never leave you is you" and that what i'm gonna live by. I need to be happy with who i am before i can be happy with someone else. But to be honest, i am pretty content with who i'm becoming.
A am thrilled that as each day goes by that the end of my porn career creeps closer. I'm questioning what is going to come next but i'm not scared. I'm actually pretty excited. The thought of having a real, steady life, is sounding better and better. I'm gonna accept it with open arms. I'm not impressed with the work that i have done so far, i'm sure in time i will be.

I guess thats all for now. Sorry i been so boring.

Love, Life, Stress and Set Backs.

2008-04-23T18:55:00.000-07:00

No matter where i stood, i still manage to stand.

I know i'm annoying. I know that i have more ups and downs than a see-saw. Lets just say that i have the worse case of Man-PMS known to man. But i'm fucking happy. The majority of it due to the guy that i have been seeing.
He single handedly has had my face hurting from all the smiling i have been doing. Its silly puppy love, i know, but it feels fucking good. I mean, you know maybe its to early to tell if we are completely compatiable, but the way he looks at me like he couldn't be happier to be with me is enough to have me completely hooked.
I'm not sure where this is going or if i'm even ready for another relationship just yet, cuz lets face it, i'm alot to deal with, but this is what i should be doing, taking things slow, enjoying life, having good people around me.
Hey maybe he will even distarct me enough this weekend from getting totally fucked up. I haven't tested those waters yet. I don't know if i wanna fuck up something i been enjoying so much by getting high. I guess well see how deep the hooks are set in on friday. I can actually hear the GHB in my fridge screaming to drink me. LOL. Kidding, maybe.

So on an even better note, I will be seeing the Hip Hop Group Atmosphere on sunday and i'm so fucking excited. The last time i was supposed to see them i ended up getting into a fight before the show and breaking some dudes face, spending some time in jail and fighting the court over 6 month stint behind bars.
What seemed like an eternity on probation and thousands and thousands of dollars later they are back into town and i completely intend on seeing them this time. I'll save the fighting for after the show. Motherfuckers better bring their retard helmets!

They're All Gonna Laugh @ You

2008-04-21T07:12:00.000-07:00

Back on track...

So again, i'm sorry to leave everyone hanging, but i have just been keeping myself busy, doing absolutely nothing important.
To be honest, i tried to write something over this weekend but my brain was way to fried to do anything. It was my best friends 30th b-day so this whole weekend i was trainwreck. I think both nights i went out, i made an ass out of myself. You know its already bad enough that where ever i go, i stick out like a sore thumb, but then to stick out while stumbling all over the club or to be sitting in the corner of the place drooling on myself. I think i intentionally set out to make myself look like a pure fuck up. Almost every weekend, i question my reasoning of even going out. I tell myself, "Maybe you'll meet someone, but you know your gonna get way to fucked up to even talk with anyone,so why go?" I end up going out anyway, and the end result is always the same. I get nothing out of it. I just end up getting hit on by disgusting super fans or the scumbags that seek out the most fucked up guy in the club in hope that he will be an easy lay.
And then when i'm not that fucked up i'm told that i have an ego, that i think i'm better than everyone... funniest thing is that i don't, i'm just trying my best to fit in. Why do you think i need the drugs? It hopefully so i can relax and not be the social retard that i am normally.
Fuck it, I'm sure i'll figure it all out soon enough.

Anyway this weekend took forever because i was really waiting for today. I am supposed to hangout with this guy again (the toes curling sex guy from the previous blog) and i'm really excited. I don't have to get high or pretend around him and i feel totally comfortable. The last time we hung out, i just held him as we watched TV and i couldnt have been happier. I didn't want him to leave. You know, i'd give up every single shitty weekend just to have more boring yet happy nights like that in my life.
I sure he might actually get bored to tears tonight cuz i dont have much planned with him tonight beyond cuddling with him and trying to learn everything i can about him. To be honest i don't even know how the guy feels, and what his intentions are with me, but i hoping that they are similar mine... just taking it slow and enjoying the possibility of things going in a better direction.
Well, he just sent me a text mesaage saying how excited he is to hang out with me, the smile on my face is from ear to ear.

Moving Mountains

2008-04-15T06:13:00.000-07:00

It feels like i'm trying to move mountains...

Once again I'm fighting being alone. Yeah i had alot to be happy about in my last blog but its still fucking rough. There still so much to get used to. A few days go by and everything seems to be just fine, but then i wake up this morning and something feels like its missing, and i feel like shit. I'm still having nightmares.

I would be lying if doing drugs to help me feel better hasn't crossed my mind. I think its even gotten to the point where if i was going to do them i would totally lie to readers saying i wasn't. Its funny, in "The Secret" it basically says that you attracted what you think about, well yesterday on my morning walk to get groceries i find about a gram and a half of cocaine right on the fucking street. I stopped myself and said " what are the fucking odds". Its not like i even live in a seedy part of town , its actually really nice over here. To first find 20 something bags of heroine and now a bag of coke. How is that not god fucking with me? Why can't god let me find a 2 liter bottle of GHB. I think maybe in all my free time i should walk around in my general area sniffing half full 7-up bottles to see if i find something i actually want this time.

So i guess something else that has me kinda upset, maybe not upset but frustrated is the fact that i am way to shy to take any connection that i have made with any guy i have hooked up with past sex. The sex is the easy part, its everything else that i suck at. Its just inviting someone over to talk and hang out that i can't seem to handle. I just think when i talk to someone and they start to listen to how fucked up i am that it will just ruin everything. I guess I'm scared of rejection. And lets face it as soon as i start giving someone my back round, if i could only read someones mind I'm sure all i would hear "holy fuck, this guy is not worth all this"
I guess i don't know the first thing about love, i just know how to dig my own grave.

One final personal note to Danny:

During our last argument online, i had lied to you about stuff i was doing during the time we had started talking with each other again. It was said out of anger and said to make you mad. I realize now that as much as it felt good at the time that i was just making myself look bad. I do not wanna get back together but i do not want a lie to be your the last impression of me. I have stayed pretty good friends with all my ex's and i don't think you should be any different. I do wish you the best for you. that's it.

"And after all of this I am amazed, That I am cursed far more than I am praised" ~Dustin Kensrue

The Happy Post

2008-04-13T13:33:00.000-07:00

I'm more surprised than you...

You know, its crazy but i am so fucking happy lately. I'm not sure why, i think its a bunch of things.
Thanks to my diet and healthy living i would say that my body is looking the best it has in years. Working out and my body is my obsession yet, I'm never satisfied with the way i look. This is the first time in awhile that i have been able to stop and compliment myself. That is huge for me. Granted i still feel i have a long way to go on the look i wanna accomplish. I'm just happy i am heading in the right direction.

I think the second thing that has me pretty happy is that i am adjusting to the single lifestyle pretty easily. Take yesterday for instance, I had an amazing brunch date with a great guy, worked out and was approached in the gym by a guy i always enjoy looking at for a date, which i agreed to, then later that night i had a great hook up with a strikingly beautiful muscle twink bottom that had my toes curling even after he left. I was fucking glowing. Then later i hung out with friends at a seedy sex/underwear party for shits and giggles. No one there to hold me back, nothing nagging me, no one saying, "James, your a whore for enjoying this". I finally feel like that weight that me tied to the bottom of the ocean has been lifted and I'm finally floating to the surface to breathe again. Not only can i breathe again but i can float whichever way i fucking choose.

Its also kinda funny, that when things started going bad with Danny, i had about 3 kids throwing themselves at me to be my next boyfriend. At the time i was even considering dating one of them out of pure desperation to avoid being alone. But that would just be another mistake and who knows, it could have possibly been another wasted year of my life. I'm okay being alone right now, which is shocking. My pillows have been great snuggle buddies for me. That's all i need is me right now, and its such a great feeling.

I have finally let go. I didn't know that it would be so nice.

Manhunt Photoshoot w/ Joe Oppedisano

2008-04-10T07:50:00.001-07:00

www.manhunt.com
www.joeoppedisano.com

I got my mind made up, I'm walking away.

2008-04-08T06:32:00.000-07:00

I feel fucking crazy again.

All that keeps going thru my head is one of this blogs readers definition of insanity: repeating the same mistakes thinking there will be a different outcome.
Well my mistake is trying to rekindle a toxic relationship with my ex.
You know it was kinda nice the first week or so but as of this past weekend we just fast forwarded back at the low point in our failed relationship. Now its time to cut ties with him for good.
I let the first couple mini-arguments roll of my back because i understand he would more than likely have alot of resentment toward me after our break up because my not so discreet blogging. It seemed like each morning after a fight we both would try to reconnect and make things work. Later that night i would find myself back at his apartment like nothing happened. We would forget about anything that happened during our time alone and we would try to be the people we were before thing headed downhill. Well at least i would.
I realize now, that any fight would occur as soon as i opened my mouth. If i just sat there and looked pretty and played with the dogs, everything was fine. But as soon as i had something to say or had an opinion on any topic, Danny's head would spin like the fucking exorcist and then he would threaten to call the cops if i didn't leave. I would go home and tell myself, "this is not worth it, he is not worth it". Then morning would come and i would get a text like nothing happened and like the sucker i am, i would fall back in, forgetting the fact that i honestly did believe he wasn't worth it for the hopes of maybe not being single, maybe reigniting that spark we had in the beginning or maybe just because i liked hanging out with the dogs. I don't know, maybe i just wasn't ready to let go. Well.... I am now.

Last night was it. I with hesitation went over his place again last night even with the threat of being escorted out by the cops the night before. I acted like nothing happened. I went over but i kept my distance. He tried to get all cute with me and I told him he was being a dick to me, he crawled over and cuddled with me, he said " am i being a dick now" and i said "no, but just wait. i don't think you can help it when you turn into the girl from the exorcist" Was i ever right.
We began to have a conversation which i wont go into detail about just to save Danny face. Danny tried to not listen to anything i said and began to yell at me to shut up without even hearing me. After years and years of studying and researching this topic apparently my advice was still shit to him and i wasn't worth listening to. It was insulting. It was frustrating and after weeks of fighting without defending myself and running away like a bitch i started to get loud. This was my breaking point. I was tired of playing bitch to make this kid happy. I was tired of kissing his ass as he played me like a fool. He asked me to leave again or he was calling the cops. I left right away and plan on never returning.

Ultimately, this was for the better. The more he argued with me the more i said to myself that "this kid is not worth it". I found myself not attracted to him at all and then to keep threatening me with the cops, come on, that is not love at all. Over our little time back with each other he served up that threat 3 times. Power trip? I think so. It's clearly a trailer trash move , which is exactly how i see him now. I'm sure that's how he See's himself or should. Dress yourself up in all the fancy designer cloths you can afford, but you can't hide what your truly are. I see that now. I'm sorry it took so long.

I am happy to say that this chapter in my life is finally over. This time i'm gonna be okay. There is no emotions left, there is nothing holding me back. I don't feel like a failure giving up, cause i tried. In the words of Trent Reznor "I tried, I gave up, Throw It away". Our time together was closure. Its exactly what i needed to move forward in my life.

The Fear is Gone

2008-04-03T17:21:00.000-07:00

So its weird...

As i hang out with Danny more and more, i see myself becoming the same person i was, both for the good and the bad. The good of course being the fact i feel grounded and secure. Its like i have the little imaginary angel back on my shoulder whispering to me, "James, don't be dumb". And i listen. Even thou, i'm not sure where we stand i do feel loved. Loved at least just enough to have me come back for more. I'm a sucker for love, what can i say.
The bad being the fact that i become a recluse. I don't talk with friends and i live day in and day out in a mind numbing pattern that has no real ups and downs, just a straight line, maybe more of a flatline, because jesus does it ever feel like i'm a zombie. The high point of my day is deciding wether i'm going to be a fat pig and get the meatloaf at Boston Market or just stick to my normal routine of getting half a chicken.
It was this extremely hollow lifestyle that lead me to do drugs behind Dannys back when we dated. It was the reason i would lie to him that i had no more herione even thou i still enough to kill a small army. I just figured "that day", you know the day you just can't take it anymore and you give up? Well i figured when "that day" came around, i needed to be well supplied to forget all about that day, and more than even just that day but enough to forget my whole meaningless existance.

Anyways, before i get that bad, i need to figure out how i can avoid becoming a zombie again. Granted, the drugs are a thing of the past. But my routine is back in full swing and I feel the boredem slowly yet surely creeping in.
I even thought about getting a job, Yes a fucking job! Doing what, i have no clue. But maybe it would be an outlet away from my boredem and routine. Jesus, i dont have much when it comes to skills, if i could only find a job that would pay great money to steal music online all day then i would be fucking happy as a pig in shit. I'd be employee of the month, every month!
I think i also need to learn how to be a real friend. Learn how to pick up phone calls and not just tell people what they want to hear just to get off the phone quicker. I can't avoid friends just cause Danny is back in my life. I always ditch my friends for my bf, until i end up having no friends left. I need to grow up and lean how to handle both. I need to find a happy medium instead of favoring one or the other. I hung up my phone on 2 friends over the course of writing this, so starting.....NOW!

"This isn't me" i used to say, But it is... I just need to change. It feels good to be alive, cuz i have been dead for so long.

Sorry to leave you hanging....

2008-03-31T08:28:00.000-07:00

Sorry to leave everyone hanging...

I just needed some time to collect my thoughts, and my blog needed a rest. To be completely honest i was alittle tired of this being the focus of my life. I am absolutely over the phone calls from people either cracking stupid jokes or the people trying to help. Please read the blog but seriously, don't invade my space. I am not a phone person to begin with, what makes you think that i wanna spend anymore time then i want to, to talk with a complete stranger about my feeling none the less? I don't wanna come off like i don't care about every ones concern when reading but please just leave a comment, trust me i read them all.

So this weekend could have gone really bad for me but thanks to focusing my energy into something positive the weekend has come and gone and i feel pretty damn good. Well, A whole hell of alot better than i would have if i attended either the Black Party or Algeria. I think was even supposed to "perform" at the black party. I turned down about 5 different people but i kept being told that the people at black party still had me listed as a performer. Well they can fucking suck it. All their cheap asses offered was a free ticket to basically have sex on stage. You have to be out of your fucking mind. Come on, even if i did lack common sense like most porn stars, my hooker skills would have kicked in and said "oh no, you need to get fucking paid" (and yes my hooker inner monologue speaks like an angry black woman). I was ultimately gonna just go, say i was gonna perform, get my free ticket and disappear into the crowd of shit, sweat and leather. Why the fuck not, i don't think i can make my name any worse in this industry or community than i already have, can I?
Well to make a long story short i choose not to go to spend time with my ex Danny. Even as friends he is keeping me grounded without even knowing it. I don't know if thrown into the enviorment of the those 2 party's if i would be strong enough to resist all the temptation around me. Yeah Danny and i just choose to sit around watching TV, cuddling most of the weekend. But all in all, that makes me feel so much better than any drugs or random hook ups could ever.
You know i have to give myself credit, because i slept over his place on Saturday night and when i woke up that morning, horny as fuck, with morning wood. Instead of pushing myself on him, i just got out of bed and went home. But i didn't stay home, cuz i knew if i sat home alone i would just get myself in trouble by having a trick come over, so i changed my cloths and took a walk to Union Square. The walk took my mind off things. Let me relax. You know, its helping me show myself that i willing put in the effort to make a relationship work with Danny again. Why? Because normally i would just run off and have sex and not care, but i know i have done enough damage between us already that i cant risk anymore fuck up over a brief loss of control. I wanna be in control of myself again. I wanna show him that I'm in control again.
Yes i have more issues than the next guy, but at least my out look is positive now. I am excited to make him proud by making myself into a better person.

It sucks but i am still fighting depression. Its become apprent that i have no control over it and really need to get more meds, becasue regardless of anything they were working for me. There was a couple times while hanging out with danny that i couldnt help having this sinking feeling. I did all i could to fight it and ultimately refocused my head so that i didnt let it control the good time i was having with danny. I also made sure he knew how i was feeling just so that my depression doesnt lead to fights or him thinking something is wrong. It would seem strange to readers since i am so open on here, but i have the hardest time expressing how i feel to loved ones. I supress everything until i blow up. I am really working on just being straight forward now. Open myself up to someone i love. He is worth it. He deserves it. Its just one of the many changes i need to make but it actually feels pretty good.

Shop at Loehmann's or Die!

2008-03-25T19:07:00.001-07:00

Taking a look from a step back

2008-03-23T13:26:00.000-07:00

So this weekend was filled with so many mixed emotions, my head feels like its about to explode.
I spent the majority of this weekend with my ex Danny. We were celebrating his 25th birthday. But even with that in mind, Just like when we dated, we fought like cats and dogs. But most of the fighting was out of jealousies i think. I think we both intended for the other to sit on their ass and not try to reconnect with other men. I think we were both upset and pissed off at each when we did.
But i think when all was said and done, we finally met on some common ground. I'm starting to tear up as i write this but maybe the positive thinking worked. After i was done watching "The Secret" i wrote down a list of the things i wanted as the movie suggests to do. Having Danny back in my life was the number one thing on my list. Yes we are just trying to be friends now, but that alone is enough to make my miserable world alittle brighter.

Danny and i had a long talk last night about my multiple personalities and both agreed that its time that Erik Rhodes is going to have to take a back seat to who i really am. Its been over 4 years of hiding in the shadows of someone i never intended on becoming. I'm over it now. Someone had once said to me when they found out what my real name was that it ruined their whole fantasy, well if that is you, i suggest you stop reading now:

This was originally not for public consumption:

My name is James Elliott N.
I was born in 1-9-8-2, at Biosfet hospital, located in Long Island, NY
I am 6 foot, three I weigh 2-3-0 pounds
I have brown hair and brown eyes
I enjoy the gym, stealing music, movies and diner food
I have one brother, Jon, two sisters Danielle and Michelle
And two parents, Jim and Sue
In January of 2-0-0-8, I went crazy.

I have a lazy left eye
I snore
I am completely insecure
I am a long term relationship guy
I am a let down
But as of now i have goals and i am determined to achieve success and happiness in this lifetime.
I will always win.

I guess it is kind of funny when you look at it from a step back
How one man can literally buckle under the same pressures
Other men operate normally under
I have soaked this out from all angles, walking through time
I have been over everything in my head, still I can't think anymore
But I guess some times, when you can't breathe, there are people there
To breathe for you
I am lucky enough to have those people around me
Thank you for helping me to not die.

Brainwashed

2008-03-20T07:49:00.000-07:00

I mean what can i say except i was brainwashed last night.

So last night, I took an hour and a half out of my already seriously boring life to watch "The Secret". I went into it being very open minded in the hopes it could help me and i would have to say that when it was over i actually kinda started to tear up. I just thought to myself "i could do this". Yeah it feels kinda like joining a cult, but think about it, the people that join cults are the ones that have lost there own direction in life and are looking for answers anywhere they can get them, well goddamn it, that's pretty much me in a nutshell. So as stupid as it sounds, i have already started trying to apply it to my life.
I would have to say that its is pretty hard, at least for me being the most negative person i know. "The Secret" basically says you control your destiny through your thoughts. So if you think positively about anything, you can make a positive outcome for yourself. So in trying to apply this to my life, i try to think the positive way but automatically have trained my brain to say "what the fuck are you thinking, insert extremely negative outcome here: ______________________".
I'm sure its not an overnight thing and will it will take some work but shit, what else do i have, ya know. I think I'm going to watch it a couple more times also to help solidify my brainwashing. Who knows, you people might see a whole new person soon.

Not dead yet?....

2008-03-17T09:18:00.000-07:00

I guess i need to address something

I have been getting non-stop calls from friends saying "I heard that you have been threatening to kill yourself on your blog, are you alright?"

I am not trying to kill myself.

Yes i have been pretty fucking unhappy, but i am doing my best as of recently to dig myself out of this hole i have dug for myself. Its not going to happen overnight as much as i wish it would. The Glass has been half empty and leaking for a long time. So please bare with my depressing rants. The gun isnt even loaded yet. Its just sitting in the draw. Waiting..... for the day its all sunshine and rainbows. LOL.

I do admit that alot of my fustration with my life has been through bad choices. Porn being number one on my list. I find myself on a regular basis wishing i wasn't me or wishing i chose a differnet route in life. Unfortantley i'm stuck where i am, and just like my unhappiness, the ridiculous petty semi fame i have gotten from this industry will not disappear overnight. If anything it seems to get stronger by the day. In the begining of my career Chris Steele told me "Just Wait, and watch how popular you become" and at that moment it thrilled me. Now when i have fans come up to me and say "holy shit, are you Erik Rhodes" i say no. I say you must be mistaken and downplay it until they are confused or just think i'm a dick. I wish it would just go away. I wish people would want to know me for something i could be proud of and not because they enjoy seeing me get fucked in my ass. I have said it so many times, this industry has sucked the life out of me and i'm never gonna get it back. At one point i was proud of being a porn star, telling myself "this is what everyone wishes they could have done at least once in there life" now i sit an wish i blended in with the crowd. Have a simple life, be like everybody else. But instead of being able to age gracefully... i get to become as has-been. I'm thrilled with the depression that awaits me.

Okay enough with the depression. Brain stop over thinking.

I am doing my best starting now to get myself on my feet. I am trying my best at resisting drugs and alcohol. I am dieting and I have set goals for myself that i'll kill myself to accomplish. I am slowly getting to that better place, that solid ground, where the weight of being a porn star cannot drag me down. I am almost content. Not happy by any stretch of the imagination, but content, almost, and thats good enough for me.

Don't be ashamed

2008-03-16T07:15:00.000-07:00

I basically made it through this weekend alright.

So Friday came around and as much as i really wanted to go nuts, i choose to hold it in. I even went to a bunch of shitty New York bars, not even having one drink. I did however pop a couple painkillers, but then again that is far from the amount of shit i was doing the previous weekend. Baby steps. I even had temptation thrown in my face again and i was good about it. It was really weird. There was this really cracked out dude at this bar that kept buying me drinks which i kept turning around a giving to my friends since i wasn't drinking. The cracked out dude got pissed when he found out what i was doing and walked away from me pissed off. I thought "oh well". About 10 mins later he comes back to me a put a gram of crystal in my hand and leaves the bar. He was like fucking Satan. Tempt me with drink all night and then when he sees that I'm not biting he drops crystal on me and says "good luck, bitch" and walks away.
I kept it, or at least i thought i did. When i got home later that night and cleaned out my pockets. It was gone. Better off, cuz its the late nights when I'm home alone that i think i should be with my bf cuddling in bed that i lose all concept of whats good for me.
I couldn't sleep that night. It honestly felt like i was having a flashback of high school, when i had a bad coke problem and i would say up nights watching the sun slowly creep up outside and get pissed knowing that i still having slept and knowing that i was going to have to get up soon for school. Except this time, as i watched the sun come out, i just popped more sleeping pills to make that shit, fucking disappear. I honestly even got confused thinking maybe i did do drugs and i already forgot. Maybe it was that guy i was hooking up with that i knew was doing dumps of K in the bathroom that gave me shit. Maybe it was the fact that because of my new diet the redbull was effecting me differently. I guess i will never know. I woke up at 4pm the next day.
I was pretty upset the next day. More or less because i been doing so fucking good with my whole body obsession that i was pissed i had already missed 4 meals since it was 4pm. I also felt hungover as shit. I'm gonna chalk that one up to the sleeping pills.

moving on.

I would have to say that I'm pretty embarrassed and i didn't wanna admit this but i have been texting my current ex. I miss him. I feel like I'm in a position where I'm ready to give up porn and i think that since that was one of the big problems in our relationship that if i wasn't doing it anymore maybe we could go back to the way things were when we didn't fight. Maybe I'm just being dumb. I think because of this blog that he knows that I'm pretty messed up, even more than i let on when we were going out. I think he sees that now and really wants no part of me. Which i understand. (beside the fact that i feel like Michael Musto, who cant keep his fucking mouth shut about anything). What is that whole bullshit, "if you let something go and if it comes back to you, it was meant to be". I guess it wasn't meant to be as much at one point we told each other it was. He texted me that i should listen to a song by Ashanti called "The Way That I Love You" that it was the perfect song for our situation. My song back to him which i never had the balls to text him back would be by City and Colour called "As much as i ever could". The part that makes me cry like a bitch is at the end of the song... "No i am not where i belong, so shine a light and guide me back home".

moving on.

The Grabby Porn Awards are coming up and the Nominations are out.

BEST RIMMING SCENE
“THE IVY LEAGUE” (Erik Rhodes, Ryan Wade, Tony Martin, Zackary Ryan)

BEST GROUP SEX SCENE
“THE IVY LEAGUE” (Erik Rhodes, Ryan Wade, Tony Martin, Zackary Ryan)

BEST ACTOR
ERIK RHODES (“The Ivy League”)

BEST VERSATILE PERFORMER
ERIK RHODES

Ummm, yeah it would be nice to win something, well fuck the first 2 noms, cuz I'm not about to share anything. But whatever, if i win i swear I'm gonna give this industry a piece of my mind. I cant wait.

Quote of the day:
"If you love something, let it go. If it doesn't come back to you, hunt it down and kill it."~Edman

God fucking with me again.

2008-03-12T07:44:00.000-07:00

This has happened before and i caved in...

On the cab ride home from JFK, it started. I got my first text from a friend which read "Hey, I got some T, I wanna see you and party". It was disregarded. The next message from another friend came at 10 o'clock the next morning saying basically the same thing. God knows if the texted came at 10 in the morning that this persons binge started at least the night before and he was still going strong the next day looking for more people to fuck and drag down with him. This one was alittle harder to turn down. I stopped and thought to myself, "i don't have anything coming up for a little while, maybe i can just go crazy for a little bit. I mean cuz that's exactly what happens, i go out of control. There was this one time, were i was shooting up so much crystal that i had no control of my arms and legs, they were basically just shaking out of control and i couldn't stop them, so i asked, what at the time i would consider a friends to help hold my arm down and have the another friend shoot me up, just so that i could push my high as far as it would go. Its pretty scary to think, friends would even help me try to kill yourself like i was so indirectly trying to do. But they were pretty high also. So its not there fault. To be honest, they weren't even friends, i couldnt tell you one name. They were Just people to get high with that become friends out of drug use. By the end of that binge i was so gone that i was terrified to even walk in the street because i couldn't tell what cabs were real and what i was just making up in my head. My halluciations were unbelievable and are still embeded on my brain. I always look back on that binge and this other binge that landed me in the hospital as the reason why i shouldn't give in. I was a fucking mess. I don't wanna let myself get to that level ever again.
Anyways, The guy from the second text admitted to me that he has had a crush on me and with all his failed attempts to be with me he figured some hot crystal sex would help get my attention. Well, i refuse to continue getting high and confusing it for love. Its funny because i talked about this same person in an earlier blog saying "this is the type of person i need to be around". Jesus. Same old fucking broken rollercoaster, just won't let me the fuck off.
Anyways, the third, semi-friend contacted me yesterday. This one was a porn star i hadn't talked to in awhile, but while i knew him, my nickname for him was "retard". He said he really needed to talk to me cuz he knew i could help him and wouldn't judge him. Well how fucking wrong he was. He claimed that he had just started using Crystal only acouple months ago and had already been to rehab for it. But since he was off crystal he developed A.D.H.D. and he said it was making him miserable. He said " Erik please, for a better way of life, i need to get crystal, and i need your help".
The first thing i thought was of course a retard would claim crystal would give him a better life. But then i thought of all the people who have posted on this blog and said to him what i think reader would tell me to tell him, i said, "The best help i can give you is, to urge you to go buy a gun and blow your brains out now, before you get any worse" That was the end of the conversation.
I just can't seem to get over that fact that drugs are all around me. Whether in LA or here in NYC. More and more of my once friends are turning into junkies. Not just junkies but junkies with HIV. Its pretty goddamn scary. But i think to myself, how the fuck have i gotten so lucky? My drug stories can put anything you can ever think of to shame and I'm still okay.
At the moment, i have refocused my insanity toward other things and its been working. You know, as awful as my over thinking is at times, it honestly has helped me to. These other guys who get wrapped up in drugs don't have crazy obsessions to help dig themselves out of there holes. So, you know what, Thank you crazy brain. Thank you for being crazy. So far you have kept me alive.

New Joe Oppedisano Pics (Carmen Marc Valvo)

2008-03-11T09:44:00.000-07:00

www.joeoppedisano.com

Time to make a change.

2008-03-10T08:56:00.000-07:00

Its time to refocus myself.

Well i don't think i have hit rock bottom, but i can see that is the way i was going and I'm gonna put the brake on now. Coming back from the Toxic world that is LA, i am filled with the over whelming urge to make a change in my life. And not just a small change like no more drugs and meaningless sex... but i am going to start eating healthy and refocus my life into my body. Make it my new obsession. I'm tired of sex being my obsession. I swear LA was great in a bad way of making me realize after all the sex that i had that i was just bored. New big dick, same old positions, no emotions. When your already thinking of the next guy coming over while the one guy is still in the middle of fucking you, there is a problem. I want emotions and passion. Yes i am a total size queen and that will more than likely never change, but i want the next big dick that fucks me to love me, and maybe not love me, but at least be into me enough that its not just the same old thing.

My last night in LA was pretty interesting and opened me up to some new ideas that i think i might now be able to handle. I went out again with "the revenge date". First let me just say that for a 33 year old he was dressed so amazing, like this Little skater boy, it was adorable. Anyways over the course of the night, he took to much XTC and i had to sit there with him and take care of him. I don't know, but it was a change having to take care of someone versus someone take care of me. I liked it. I liked that he could let loose and not care, i liked that he let me take care of him. It was weird, cuz even thou i knew he is a total player, i said maybe this is they type of guy i should be with and not care about being open to liking other guys, Not like an open relationship, but a relationship without jealousies over dumb shit. Everyone looks, even if they say they don't' they do, i know i do, so why should i get pissed when you do. Maybe i just need to look at the fact that I'm not perfect and find someone that isn't perfect also. I' don't know its just a thought. But Shaun , if you read this, thanks so much for the good time. You were breathe of fresh air for me.

By the end of the night i did so much coke, G and painkillers mixed up with Old English 40's that i was puking all over the place. I disappeared from everyone and went back to my hotel and passed out. When i woke up, it was the start of a new beginning. I said i cant do this anymore. I don't wanna be this person. I want a clear head. I want to be happy. Maybe if i make a huge change maybe it will be what i have been looking for. Maybe I'll just get more depressed. I guess we'll have to find out.

Revenge and Its time to leave LA.

2008-03-08T12:42:00.000-08:00

I can take much more of LA.

I have been here over a week and i'm just over it. I have had way to much sex and i have done to much drugs to wanna be here anymore. I have had my fill and now its time to go home. I woke up this morning, well i'm not sure if i woke up or just opened my eyes after laying in bed for a couple hours hoping to fall asleep, but i the overwheleming feeling to just pack up and leave like i have over stayed my welcome. I mean tonight is my last night, but i am not in the mood to go out anymore and for once in a longtime am not in the mood to have sex, so with no urge for sex what is the point of going out? just to be around gay men, no thanks! Seriously, my dick is raw and my ass is beat the fuck up, oh, who know after i get a couple drinks in my my feeling might change.
Another reason its time to leave LA is my hotel is a fucking dump and i really dont wanna be in this piece of shit much longer than i have to. It's honestly one step away from being a bathhouse. There is dried cum all over the curtains and there is a sign on the door urging guests to make sure they lock the door before they go to sleep. Why you ask? Because you just might end up with a queer in your bed that you were not expecting. It was pretty unbelieveable that about 20 mins after checking in here, i had a knock at my door from some 18 year old kid asking me if i was looking for company? Of course, i said No.... well no at first. I got something to eat and when i came back the kid was still floating around the hotel so i took him up on his offer and used his mouth as my own personal fuck hole. I just can't help to think anyone that hangs around these seedy places, is looking to be treated like a piece of shit. Cuz i mean that how i treated him and he seemed like he couldnt be happier. Well, i was also in a rush because i had my date and i needed to get ready. So i pumped and dumped his face and quickly got ready cuz my dates was going to be picking me up soon.

I'm not sure if you could call it a date as much as you can call it revenge. Revenge on my current Ex. Jesus, victory tastes so fucking sweet. Oh yeah, people were used and the date was one of the best jobs i have ever done acting. But it played out exactly how i wanted. To be 100 percent serious, going on this revenge date was the only reason i extended my trip. I wish i could go into more detail, cuz the details will only make my thrill that much more intense, but i'm a sucker and i actually like the guy i went on the date with. Not as a Bf kinda way cuz the guy is a total player, but he seemed like good people and i dont want my craziness to effect a possible friendship. You know, i have done my best at getting over my ex and i still do find myself getting upset over things i shouldnt be anymore, but this was one of the things that kept playing in my head over and over after we broke up. I was obcessing over it. But thanks to my utter insanity toward this obcession, it will not be an issue anymore. This was kinda like therepy for a crazy person. Its nice to know that i win. i win. i win. i win.

Done filming and time to get into trouble.

2008-03-06T10:03:00.000-08:00

Well the movie is over...

First off let me just say that i am dissapointed with Falcon and not checking over its models before they get the okay to work. (Without giving names) I had to work with a model i can only refer to as "stink dick" who's pics in the casting book seemed very promising. Well "stink dick" was nothing like what his pics offered. Kinda like a bad hook up off Manhunt (which i'm only using as a refernece and i dont have) he had shark teeth and one of the smallest ugliest and worst smelling dicks i hve ever come into contact with in my whole career in porn. Besides that he had one of those, "i just got to know you and i think we are best friends" personalities that i can barely stand to be around for about 10 mins before i start picturing ways of brutally killing you in my head.
But being a professional that i am, i just went along for the disgusting ride as long as i could before i felt like i was going to throw up. I did my best to give him a phantom blowjob during the oral part of the scene, but when the diretor started talking about rimming his ass i put my fucking foot down. I took the director aside and told him about the stink coming off this dudes cut 4 inch killer and said "Listen, if he has bad hygene in the front, you for goddamn sure know he is clueless about the backside. I will not go anywhere near it." I got my way.
Thankfully, the scene was a three way and there was a great big black dick there to have me occupy the rest of my time in the scene with. "Stink Dick" basiclly played the backround for the rest of the scene while me and the other model enjoyed each other.
But i guess the joke is on me and the other model, cuz "stink dick" still got paid. Maybe thats what i should do next movie. Just show up gross enough to make other models sick enough to throw up and still get paid at the end of the day. Maybe "Stink Dick" found a way to beat the system. HHHHHMMMMMMMMMM, joke is really on me.

Moving on....

I'm now free in LA to go crazy. I really could have really used a drink after working with "Stink Dick" but i had another scene the very next day so i had to be good. Tonight i will be going fucking nuts and each drink i will cheers to complete strangers will be deticated to that ugly penis.
But off the topic of ugly dick, I kinda like being in LA: the state with no soul. This is the land of make believe, where everyone can pretend to be much more important than the really are. And the everyone else.... a bunch of hopefull others with so many stars in there eyes that they are blinded to see that its just not gonna happen the way they imagined in there dreams. This is place is filled with so many miserable and dylusional people that i feel right at home. Except that in New York, i dont waste 15 percent of my life sitting in traffic. Its just nice to know that when i go out tonight, i can be fake as shit and know that anyone i am talking to is being just as fake as me. I dont have to feel bad about anything.
It remind me of this one time, i was here in LA and i hooked up with this guy. Kinda. I brought him back to my hotel and i passed out on him. I guess about an hour later i woke up and he was in the middle of fucking me. I was to trashed to care and just went right back to sleep. When i woke up that morning, i basically thought it was all a dream until, i found a note from him saying what a great time he had and hoped we could do it again sometime. No one cares here in LA, its just a souless creature that is always just looking for the perfect oppertunity. I could never live like these people, but at the same time it will be fun to not care for awhile.

Moving on....

I am starting to think my brother is crazy. Maybe not crazy but fucking brainwashed. He has been preaching to me about positive thinking. He has thrown a couple movies in my face that he is urging me to watch. One called "What the Bleep do we know" and the other being "The Secret". This is totally out of left field for my brother to be saying. But at the same time its something i think i should watch to help with my depression. He says it has totally helped him and i know he isn't just throwning bullshit at me since he is my best friend and brother. I am just very skeptical. Like very who talks to me says... "damn your glass of water is always half empty", in which my reply is "yes half empty and has a crack along the side that is leaking". I also can't help to think an Oprah book is not going to help me.

My LA update so far...

2008-03-03T08:12:00.000-08:00

So i'm in LA filming.

I would have to say that I am having a great time. For most my porn career i have been tied down in relationships and being on set with a boyfriend at home was not always easy. This is the first time since i started porn that i have not had to worry about making phone calls and giving my bf the play by play of my daily schedule. It the first time that i can do whatever i want and not have to worry or feel bad about it. From hooking up with models to just hanging and getting some food with them, i can just relax and enjoy myself and its been great. The models that i been hanging out with not only have they been abnormally good looking but really fun guys that i would enjoy being around if we weren't here working. The funny thing is that so far the majority of them have been straight. (well kinda) I have always, always had, i'm not sure if you can call it a talent, but i have always been able to draw that straight guy to me and make him second guess his whole "just gay for pay" lifestyle. I'm not normally that type. I hate the whole straight boy, confused sexuality thing and it not something i look for like other fags i know.lol. ( love you james). But fuck it, if they are gonna throw me a bone, i'm gonna take it. After the movie is over, as nice as you are, you can go back to leading your confused life, its no skin off my back. Hey, but if i help show you that not all fags are straight up queens and can be butch and proud of taking it in the ass, well then kudos for me.
Anyways, this movie is 1/2 done and i still have 2 more scenes to do. So all these guys will be heading out tonight and then new ones will be coming in. Like i said in my last blog, i'm starting to think, this trip is gonna be to much sex. I also decided to stay in la a couple extra days to get some "me time", that normally consist of alot of sex also. I do have one date set up while i am out here and all i can say about that is.... oh man is it ever gonna be good in so many ways. I might, maybe, slightly possibley give details about it later, i just have to see how it plays out. I dont wanna jinx it just yet.

I would have to say that the meds i been taking are kinda working, at least since i got them and been out here, i havent been depressed at all. I haven't started drinking yet... so i guess we'll have to see how that goes....

Desperate times are not over now...

2008-02-28T06:29:00.000-08:00

A had another nightmare...

Not sure if you can call it a nightmare, more like an imagine that kept play through my head that i just didn't wanna see anymore. I was My ex, sitting on our couch, staring at me with the with this puppy dog face he would do that would melt my heart. The kinda face that would win you over regardless of the situation. The same face that began to fade away as we got more and more used to each other. Either way it was a face to let me know everything was alright. I woke up upset and unable to go back to sleep because i don't have that face anymore. Its not like i wanna get back with him, but I'm restless for that comfort again.
I think the reason for this dream came from all the references i made about my ex in a conversation i had with my brother about why he should not forgive his Gf and leave that miserable relationship behind. My brother is having second thoughts about leaving his Fiance. I think mostly because he is not ready to make a change. He can't picture himself without her and regardless of how possessive and controlling she was to him, staying with her is better than being alone. I still have those feelings myself and i do anything i can to not be alone. Shit, i fucking go to the movies all the time by myself, just so that i can have people around me. Its still pretty lonely but at least I'm not alone. I'm not sure if that makes any sense, but it has been working. That and non stop compulsive shopping.
Anyways, i had mentioned my brother and I are the same person, well this just proves it. I was the same way. But he's gonna have to figure out on his own, that getting back together might feel good cuz he wont be alone but its not gonna fix the overall problem. I can only provide support at this point.

moving on...

I head over to LA this weekend to film what will hopefully be one of my last movies in the porn industry. I'm excited to get away from New York for awhile, but hate the fact that my whole time will be centered around making this movie. Since i will be the main star of the movie i will be filming 3 scenes and then directing the sex of 4th scene. Crazy. For once i think it will be to much sex for me. I totally predict me throwing acouple "porn star diva fits". As i call them after watching my best porn star buddy Matthew Rush throw a few over the course of our relationship with falcon. I love him, but when he gets pissed, oh boy does the diva ever come out. LOVE YA matty!

My nerves have been getting the best of me again and i have to head back to see a doctor today. I'm sure the visit will end with a couple scripts to help validate my sorrow. So that makes me happy for now at least.

Quote for this blog:

"So say goodbye to love, and hold your head up high.
There is no need to rush because we are all just waiting, waiting to die." ~Dallas Green

Go Figure...

2008-02-27T06:51:00.000-08:00

So my Twin Brother calls me this morning at 7 in the morning to tell me some fucked up news. I'm not gonna go into details because thats his life and i dont wanna make his life public, but he is looking to get out of his current situation because it was honestly a mirror image of the situation i was in with my ex.
Anyways, i think the best thing for him is to move in with me. He currently is car-less living on long island and anyone that knows the area, long island without a car doesnt work. Plus it will be great for me since i will have my best friend back with me at all times. After 26 years we are still the same person and laugh over all the same stupid shit. Granted he is straight, but he has never treated me any differently since i came out to him back when i did. I will do anything for him.
I'm sure he is gonna end up being depressed, cuz i can feel how much he is hurting. I wasnt able to go back to sleep after he called me this morning because i felt like it was me going thru my break up all over again.
All i said i ever need in this world is him and i'm sure if he moves out here we can forget all about the fucked up people we seem to let take over our lives. I will support him and he will support me. At least we both can always go home know that we have someone there that isnt gonna try and hurt us judge us or try and control us.

Jon, i love you and we'll get thru this together!

Floating away...

2008-02-24T21:23:00.000-08:00

Last night was a mess, today i feel like a mess....

I once again am trying my best to suffocate all my misery in doing drugs.

Last night i went out with the intentions of having a good time. Quicker than i could walk to the back of the club, the night was a distater and i am the only one to blame. Kinda.
I hate drinking now so i have found relief of my social anxiety by doing alot of GHB. To make a long story short, by the time i got to the bar i was already sinking, and by the time i made it thru the club i was full on "G'ing Out". It was so bad that as i sat in the back of the club the trainwreck which i became drew a crowd of friends, ex's and strangers all looking to "help me". As i sat there with my head on the table, eyes rolling around with no control and drooling on myself, i even had complete strangers coming up to me saying "come with me, my place is right around the corner from here". No shocker there i guess. But as i got worse, the crowd of friend and ex's seemed like they were all fighting over me. It honestly seemed like there was no real concern about my well being as there was the thrill of having the oppertunity to have a wrecked porn star in their apartment and at their mercy. I think the ex's were having a "who has the bigger dick" fight and the friends were looking for something to prove in front of the crowd, like "look at me, i'm saving him". In reality they should have just let me bottom the fuck out. Nothing like being in that situation and have no one care, it kinda lets you rethink your steps. Well at the same time, i'm not sure if they cared as much as they just saw an oppertunity. Anyways, i just got more sick as the crowd seemed to fight each other and somehow stumbled out the club and threw up like any good ol' drunk. Obviously, playing housewife so long i dont know my pussy ass tolerance. My friend finally got me in a cab and got me home since i totally forgot where i lived.... I'll leave out some of the shady shit that happened later that night but trust me it has me rethinking alot of things. It has only fed my insecuritys and hatred for gay men. I woke up this morning asking myself, "why would someone do that to me...". The reason, is cuz all am to these people, friends and ex's is an object. Nothing more.

I woke up more depressed then ever and not because of the G. That was my fault. It was everything else. Then on top of that it was my first time see my most current ex since i moved out. I could even make eye contact. I just walked by like i didnt see him as much as he knew i did. I just wanted to break down as i walked away, cuz all i can think is "look what the fuck i'm becoming, look at the mess i'm turning into", as much as things didnt work bewteen us, at least i was grounded. Now, i'm just floating away and i cant even stop myself. I have no reason to. I just dont care anymore.

"Life is good, Life is fucking great"... i think that was the quote... well not for me.

A long day...

2008-02-21T18:18:00.000-08:00

Well i just finished a long day....

Today, i had 2 photoshoots back to back. The first was for woman's couture by the designer Carmen Marc Valvo and the next was for Loehmanns spring cataloge. We started shooting this morning at 9 and ended at about 815 tonight. As pussy as it sounds i had had a tooth ache for about 3 days now and last night it was so bad i couldnt sleep. I almost canceled both shoots today. That on top of my work out routine and not drinking water for the last couple days so that i good for the shoots, i feel like death. The constant feeling like someone is drilling through my head is enough to wanna dig thru my stash of drugs to make the pain go away.
But first the shoots....the first for C.M.V. i just basically was the naked slave of some high end Brazilian model. She was basically a bitch to me most of the shoot. At one point she snapped at me cuz i was positioned kinda holding her ass/love handle. I should have remembered for all the girls i dated that this is like a girls weak point and main focus of anorexiea. I guess for her it was no different.
My second shoot was for Loehmanns. This has been my third time shooting for them and yet i think i have actually stepped foot into an actual Loehmanns store less times. Not that i dont like loehmanns, cuz let me tell you, some of the stuff i was dressed in i did feel like stealing. But as a kid my mom traumatized me and my siblings with extended tripps to TJ Maxx and Loehmanns kinda has that same feel except its more high end. Most my outfits for this shoot, looked like i was ready for the Hamptons. Totally not me. But then i think that's kinda the point. Make you look at the add more then once and say.... "is that Erik Rhodes? What the fuck?"

By the end of the day the pain in my face is unbearable. I go to Mcdonalds like a fat shit since i havent eatten all day and wash it down with Poweraid and a couple doses of G. Thankfully the painsubsides alittle and i have a friend come over so that i and get some naked cuddling in. G makes me into a horny fuck and regardless of the pain, it feels alot better when i can feel a big dick behind me as i watch the opening episode of Americas Next top Model. Well i tried to watch it. I passed out, i think. Maybe i got fucked? Either way, its off to the the dentist today, thank god for dental insurance. Cuz this is gonna be bad.

Just let me be, when i'm crazy.

2008-02-20T09:51:00.000-08:00

Its good to be home! Is it really?

So i'm back in NYC and this was one of the first time in a long time, that i wanted to stay away. I'm not exactly sure i wanted to stay in the homeless shelter that make up San Fran but i'm posative i didnt want to come back here. Anyways, thank god for my friend Joe getting me work to keep myself focused at the gym instead of just letting myself slip away more than i let myself over this past weekend. I would have to say there was a couple times over this weekend that i just felt like giving up on everything, but these jobs will be somewhat motivating. Motivating enough to keep my mind else where. Then with filming a new movie in early March hopefully i will stay in that motivated state of mind.
Its funny because someone had reffered to me as the Britney Spears of gay porn and i just dont think that comparison hold any weight. I know i have tons of problems and issues and i can admit to that. She on the other hand is cluless. Like i said, if i just have the right motivation, i can snap myself out of anything, at least for alittle while.
"Idle Hands" is my problem. Letting my self sit here and wish for death just doesn't solve anything. As dumb as hanging out with ex's before my current ex sounds its been a huge relief. Someone i can lay with and put my head on there chest and feel comfortable with even if its just as friends now. i need. I need the support and comfort from a man regardless of who it is. Not to downplay their iportantance to me but they are just a band-aid until i can find that new person to make me feel comfortable. It doesn't seem like it gonna happen anytime soon as much as i wished it would. So occupying my time with friend, ex's and tricks will have to do. It was weird this morning, after i left this tricks place, i kinda had this feeling of relief, like maybe i was gonna be okay with being single. I'm not sure, it was kinda early and i did get fucked pretty stupid, so maybe it was just the endophins fucking with me. Either way... i'm focused right now, semi-happy and not wishing for death....but if i do get hit by a cab on my way to the gym... well, Thanks god.

2008-02-19T07:57:00.000-08:00

"More"

At first I wanted
you to fuck me

Then i became greedy
I wanted you to
love me

So I asked for more.

~ Tracey Emin

No surprises here....

2008-02-17T13:11:00.000-08:00

I lost... again.

Apprently each year i do porn i'm just good enough to be nominnated but not great enough to win myself an award. O and 9 now. I'm not surprised. I did alot better holding in my extreme fustration in losing this year, so i do give myself some credit. Yes i am a sore loser, but i just whored it up and drank away the feelings. Should have gone as far as getting blowjob right there in the front row during the ceremony? Maybe not, but when someone as hot as the guy going it, is doing it, well... i just dont have that type of control.
Apart from losing my awards, i did have a pretty amazing night. I'm not sure how i determine what makes an amazing night? But i guess i'm equating my night the amount of gorgeous guys i got to hook up with. I know that i was basically doing it to make myself feel better, but fuck it. it was totally worth it and justified in my eyes. When else do i get to play around with the guys from other studios?
Which leads me to "The Pretty Russian". I woke up this morning, cuddling with one of the cutest guys i have come across in a long time. I stared at him while he slept. There was something about the hair on his stomach that made me think, "Jesus, this is why i love being gay, this is why i love men, this makes me happy". I laid my head on chest and went back to bed with a smile on my face dispite my vicious hangover.

I'm just happy this weekend is over. It was just to much socializing for my taste. To many "are you alright's" to make anyone crazy. I'm sitting in my hotel room now, alone and i'm trying my best to not get back into the depression that i did so well avoiding this whole weekend. I also have had way to much sex to get my head off things by spending my time with another trick. This honestly sucks, and i dont know what else to do with myself. Maybe i'll go on another pathetic solo mission to the movies.... anything to not have to dwell in my thoughts. Anything to distract myself from overthinking.

One last thing...
This blog is not a fake or a pr stunt. Shit, i dont think any studio would ever say.... "yes Erik, please blog about how miserable you are. Thats a great way to get attention". I'm sure my company, bites its nails everytime i write a new blog, i'm sure they are afraid what i'm gonna say next. All i can say is sorry. I will not censor myself to please anyone. Once i do that, then this blog will not be mine anymore.

no...no....i'm not alright.

2008-02-16T11:38:00.000-08:00

I'm here in San Fran for the Gayvn porn awards that will take place later tonight. I'm prepared to lose the 2 awards that i'm up for. i am here just desperatly trying to have a good time with people i do honestly enjoy being around. But I can help to feel locked into "Erik Rhodes mode", the happy go lucky party guy that is smiling on the outside but dying on the inside. Always stalking the crowd for the person he used to valid his life. I mean, i knew that how's it would be getting here, i guess doing it during my depression is just making me sick.
anyways,
This blog is now what i can only discribe as "Porn Star Pop Culture" and it has become the topic of conversation with most the the people i have come into contact with so far since being out here, oh that and "page 6". It seem like people want my to take pics with me more than ever. I can only assume the reason behind it is 2 things. 1. They think the page 6 whole Marc Jacobs thing, is my ticket to the big time and that now i'm more important that ever or 2. they are just getting there last pics with me before they think i gonna kill myself. Its funny how many of us "adult actors" drop dead in between awards seasons. I guess with a blog like mine, everyone is just getting better prepared to be able to claim like the knew me, so that when i die they get there half a second of gay porn media time to say "I knew Erik Rhodes, he was such as ------- person". If the fill in the blank with anything but "miserable", there guess about knowing me is not even close.

I have been over medicating myself since i got here, to San Fran. I need to. Just giving everyone a fake smile long enough to make them believe i just might be alright. This is all an illiusion.
The loneliness of one messed up man hidden behind anti-depressants, vicodin, alcohol and anything that can be bumped in the bathroom. A worthless fuck as a band-aid and a Valium to turn out the lights. I love my life.

Don't cry out...

2008-02-13T12:55:00.000-08:00

I'm so tired of this. I have been trying so hard to walk thru life like everyone else, trying to find some significance in my meanless routine, but its just not working.... But was it ever really working or was having a boyfriend just enough of a band-aid to make me think everything was okay? As miserable and fake as my relationship was, i kinda wish i was still lost in that made up world. Being alone is not all i thought and hoped it would be. I have a bunch of little kids trying to win me over and the ones i actually spend time alone with i pick apart and basically they never stand a chance. I feel like Jerry Seinfeld on his show. He would find all these insignificant flaws in each girl he would date from a woman having "man hands" to the girl that looked scary in select lighting. Yet he wasnt miserable about it. I wish i could laugh it off, but i don't. And yet, i sit there and suffer, pretending i like these people enough to not hurt their feeling and never having the balls to say " this is just not gonna work". Maybe i should talk to them before i fuck them. Then maybe i wont feel so bad? Either way i end up sitting there for what seems like hours, saying to myself "just shut the fuck up and leave". I guess the best way to get rid of anyone now is just mention my time with them on this blog and then its splitsville, with a new enemy made. It seem like everyone reads this piece of shit now.

I desperately want someone to love, yet, i am way to picky. And should i be? i'm sure the majority of guys out there wouldnt even consider me as BF matieral. who wants to date a "porn star cartoon character" as some has just recently called me. (like the more i give to you, the more the real me dies) It funny, i had mentioned in an earlier blog, about guys who are attracted to depression, well i think reader would be surprised with the tons of calls and propositions that i have gotten because of this blog, like readers think i am something worth fixing, like they hold the key to my better life. As nice as it is, its feel worthless to me. I need to figure this out on my own. It just seems like life has come down to finding a way to pay rent...and is that really a life worth living. I sure as fuck dont think so. What else is there? Another fake relationship and more wasted time. Maybe partying and drugs? Maybe more porn and losing whats left of my withering soul or..... fuck who knows. I still havent got myself on anti-depressants yet and i'm feeling more and more hollow everyday. All that is honestly left is pretnding everyday that i'm this made up character. It all i got to hold on to, cuz there is nothing else.

My 26th B-day

2008-02-10T13:41:00.000-08:00

My birthday night...

So i 'm 26 now and let me start this blog off with a bit of happiness for once. My birthday was amazing. I started the night by attending Marc Jacobs fashion show and sitting in the front row with my date, Jason Preston. The show was breath taking, beside Marc's fall collection being absolutley beautiful, Sonic Youth performed as the models walked the runway. When the show was over i found myself face to face with some pretty interesting people that i'm have no problem talking shit about. Kevin Federline: Absolutely disgusting in person. I got a good laugh as Marc played off the sinsignificance of meetting the wanna be rapper. Selma Blair: so cute and nice. Victoria Beckham: this bitch needed to get out of my face. No bitch i would never wanna come back satge at a spice girls concert. Where is your husband?

The afterparty was just as amazing. The Daily News claimed there was alot of sexula tension in the air:
"And then there was Jacobs' sometime fiancé Jason Preston, who found himself face-to-face with ab-rific porn star Erik Rhodes. All three of them got dirty on the dance floor and in a banquette. It was Jason touching Erik and Erik touching Jason and both of them touching Marc all night long.
When we asked Eric about his relationship with Jacobs, he just lifted his shirt to reveal a 12-pack. Guess we had our answer."

Sorry that's not exactly what happened... but it sounds like a good story right. Like i talk by showing my abs and it just happens to mean :"yes daily news, marc and i fuck our brains out". Like i said before, this just goes to show you, that you cant believe everything you read.

Anyways, i spent the rest of the afterparty socializing with the likes of Lil' Kim, who is amazing and other less worthy celebs in my eyes like Rachel Zoe. I concluded my night with quite diner with Marc and jason. I sware to God, they gave me the best birthday i could have ever asked for. These are the types of people i need in my life. Regardless of all the celebs i met, it didnt even compare to just hanging with them. Even right now writing this it makes me happy as a clam. So if you guys are reading this. Thank you so much. XOXO.

(oh and as for some of the websites telling me to shut up about Marc Jacobs if there is no story... trust me i will. Because there isn't. I was just blogging about my weekend. End of story. But keep enjoying reading my blog looking for a story)

-----------------------------------------------------------

So Saturday Night

I ended up going to the party that replaced The Roxy here in New York called Stereo and a huge shocker to my friends but i ended up leaving the party by myself. I'm not gonna say that it was an ugly party at all, because it wasn't. It was just an ugly scene in terms that its the same people. Just older. Still just living for the weekends and dance music and popping pills of exstacy. Seriously, i didnt even know that people were still doing exstacy. What is this high school?
Anyways, I tried to find someone worth talking to, but the more i thought about it the less i thought i could even give a fuck about someone that make this type of party there life. What turns fags on about dancing shirtless, being covering is the sweat and stench of 600 misc guys and listening to the same beat till the early morning. Its funny cuz i saw a couple of guys that i used to have a hugest crushes on back when i used to go to roxy, and they are still doing the same shit years later. Still tweaking, shirtless and looking for meaningless sex. These are the types of guys, i want in my life? Fuck that. I just kept saying to myself, "yeah i could have sex with anyone here, but who out of this crowd of guys do i wanna cuddle with and wake up next to" the answer was none of them. So i left by myself. It was a waste of time, but an eye opener.

Marilyn Manson and answering some more questions

2008-01-29T21:56:00.000-08:00

Tonight was fucking Amazing!

I just got back from the Marilyn Manson show at the Hammerstein Ballroom. Like i said it was amazing. It was also a great stress reliever. I spent half the night in and around the pit, throwing kid around and just going nuts. At one point i would say i was less than a foot anyway from the man himself. I tried my best to catch a feel, but i just missed, I'm a total groupie. My friend took over 200 pics so look for some of them on my myspace. (www.myspace.com/erikrhodesxxx)

Questions:
1. You said you have a twin and have been out awhile. Who was your first time with and what was it like? Have you and your brother ever messed around with the same guy?
I do have a twin brother but he is not gay and no we have never messed around. My first time with a guy was when i was 21 and the guy was honest to god a mexican dishwasher who worked at a place Coyote Loco. He fucked me on the floor of the resturant after it was closed. It was disgusting to say the least. I went home took a long shower and sleep close to my GF. I swore off ever having sex with men again, cuz that was just so gay. In about 3 months after the awful experience, i need it again, so i went back to the dishwasher since he was the only guy i knew.

2. Michael Lucas and others in the industry were mentioned. What advice would you give someone who is considering becoming a pornstar?
Well i get people asking me if they are good enough to be a porn sgtar all the time on myspace and its really not for me to say. The majority of the time the guys are busted, but are clueless of there looks. And if i say, "dude, your gross look in the mirror", then i'm the bad guy for trying to tell the truth. So i tend not to say anything and dismiss the emails. But if they are relatively good looking i try to tell them that maybe porn isnt the right option, and suggest normally modeling. But i also say that it is not my choice, its there's. People are gonna do what they want anayway, and i'm not gonna stop anyone. We all need to learn from our mistakes.

3. Erik Rhodes seems to be at the top of his game. Why are you leaving porn?
Yeah, ummm, my popularity is pretty high at the moment. Just tonight at the manson concert, i was approached by 5 people who knew who i was. But i'm not responding well to it. The thought of having fans has always been a weird concept to me and still is. One fan tonight came up to me and said "can i have a pic, i'm obcessed wityh you" , in which my friend responded to me. "I wish i got that just once in my life" in which i responded, "i wish it would just go away". I dont wanna be doing porn also until no one wants to see me anymore and i can't book a job. I wanna be able to quit on my own terms.

4. A lot of your blog has been about your challenges with sex and drug addictions. When were you happiest?
I have never been really happy, i have fought depression for along time. Sometimes its worse than other times. Right now its pretty fucking bad. But i just try and look forward, pretending to see that time when i'm happy again, its the only thing that keeps me going.

5. Since this part of your life identifies you very visibly. Where do you see yourself in the future?
I have no clue, i dont predict a happy ending. I dont see a silver lining. I do think its gonna be either of the extremes... my successful and happy or dead. I dont see any inbetween.

6. Another retiring pornstar Jenna Jameson wrote a book. Based on her title, how can I have sex like a pornstar?
Get a bunch of cameras and fill the room with a bunch of people you would hope weren't there. Find a semi- attrative guy that look half way butch until he opens his mouth. Have sex for anywhere from 6 to 12 hours or until the only thought going through your head is wishing the person your "working with" would die a bloody painful death. Go back to your cheap hotel and take a bath until you think you get his smell off you, go out that night and fuck again in in a desprerate attempt to make yourself feel better about the awful sex you had all day. Then write a book about it.