I woke up out of my sleep last night with a memory in my head about my past... one of the last nights i was out in the city, single before my current relationship. I could remember walking around this club thinking to myself..."I am officially one of those creepy guys". I wasn't there to dance and enjoy the music, i wasn't there to drink and be with friends. I was just there to not feel so dead. Stalking around this place hopefully to have some sort of human contact, probably with someone i wasn't worthy of speaking with in the first place, because god knows when I'm not selling my bullshit Erik Rhodes persona i can be very awkward and withdrawn...
anyways... i just woke up with that feeling of being utterly pathetic...like i'm going nowhere.
Maybe its partially due to the fact that I'm obsessed with Farmville now and i seem to get such great joy in waiting for my online farm to grow. I just hit level 12 this morning and was able to buy a tractor. The smile on my face couldn't get much bigger... all for about a second. I quickly Im'ed my brother to express my happiness when he brought me back down to reality saying... "please James, tell me your kidding..." I got up, walked away from my computer and thought about it for a second and realized... i refuse to allow this to be happiness for me.
As i stuff my face with S'mores Cereal (which was my big excitement yesterday when i found them in Walmart) and I finished tending my farm... I am promising myself a change. I mean i think I've come a long way from the beginning of this blog till now and i feel like I'm heading in the right direction but i just need to push myself harder and not fall into this pathetic state of content. Because seriously isn't sitting in front the computer playing Farmville a form of being dead?
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
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18 comments:
I think it means that you need something new to stimulate your mind. You sound so calm now and not angry, as you used to; good on you. Now, grow your mind, like your muscles. I'm happy that this is what's bothering you now....
I'm level 93 on Farmville, so if you're dead then I must be decomposed.
no, you re not dead. u seriously bored. find sth else to do, sth that makes u feel ure producing sth, sth useful. let us know when u find it.
hope ure fine.
big hug.
A
Don't feel bad. There's nothing wrong with feeling bored. At least now you sound like a regular bored guy and not a neurotic crazy drama queen like you used to.
I'm glad you're sounding more normal.
Erik you're my hero no matter what. Also I would consider it an honor if you talked to me.
Don't let others dominate your emotions. Do what you do for you. I don't play farmville but I remember the first time I got to drive a beat up old johndeer tractor. My friends in college thought I was stupid but I didn't give a shit. I'd have worked on that farm for free as long as I could drive that tractor. Point is letting other people bring you down takes the fun out of life.
Dear James,
Watch this, it will cheer you up:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UUXEAhJb_O0
i mentioned a while ago that you should write a book. which would probably be made into a movie, one that you could score. i was serious and still am. think about it, it could be "everything i learned in life i learned as a porn star". each chapter could be a lesson and the experience that lead you it. it would be huge. think about it, please!
that's exactly the motivation i need to hear. someone alive as well has walked around the clubs, bars, parks, and anywhere in between familiar and foreign feeling personally drained by being single or existing. a sort of philosophical existence honestly. it's like you're telling me to, "wake up. you're getting high on your own supply. oh baby, you're still alive when you could of died."
I've been reading your blog for about a year or so. I've not left a comment as not too force opinion but figured I'd leave one today. If Farmville gives ya a great big smile just smile. Never punish yourself for being happy. You have a successful career, seem to have an awesome boyfriend and I'm sure many other things you can take pride in. Try your damnedest to be happy, even if it from little things like Farmville, a great cup of coffee or watching a terrible movie with friends doesn't really matter.
You've probably heard this song, but take another listen, close your eyes and think about the words and most importantly. Feel great and smile! Hugs
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GTsqFVLNIv4
hi dude i'm from china.it is the first time that i see your blog,wonderful,there are so many fans in china.we stand by you.
ojala sigas, no siempre es facil, uno promete y promete hasta llega a pensar que todo esta bien hasta que la vida te patea el ego y quedas donde empezaste, pero igual no hay que concentrarse en la caida sino en como levantarse
Hello James/Erick, I have been reading your blog since the beginning. I have never left a post here before, and it shows since I don't know which name you would rather be called on here.
The reason for this post is that you must enjoy the little things in life. Even if it's Farmville. If something that makes you that happy is a simple game, then go mad with it. Everyone needs an outlet, even if it's farming virtual crops.
I know that saying this will not help matters much, nor you probably do not want to hear ( cause I would be at least the thousand person to say this, give or take 2 thousand people ), but feel better. Like you say your on the right path now, so just continue with it and do not get stuck in a rut with it. We all believe that you can do this.
well i was one of those guys who always saw these online games about fake wars and fake farms and fake money "pathetic" and "a waste of time"
but reading your piece changed my mind.
games (or any hobby) do not need to be benefitiary in a real adult responsible way. ENJOYING can be the ultimate benefit. just like someone enjoys fishing or someone else enjoys dancing in the clubs.
my advice is, don't push yourself too hard. there are things you enjoy and things you dont enjoy. you don't need to change them as long as they keep you happy. if they stopped to satisfy you, then you gotta do sth new. but considering the description you gave about the width of your smile, i doubt that.
I think everyone feels that way sometimes, I know I sure do. Maybe you should try a change of scenery.
Nah, I wouldn't think enjoying Farmville is a form of being "dead" (no more than you might consider playing WoW or similar games as being "dead"). If it's a source of enjoyment for or comfort to you, then enjoy it for all it's worth.
Even as you strive for greater satisfaction in your life, do not deny yourself the little joys available to you.
Speaking of Farmville and death: http://gawker.com/5675276/mom-kills-baby-for-interrupting-farmville
At least you haven't come to the point where you're killing people over Farmville (and Farmville interruptions).
When I hear about people playing farmville, I have to wonder why they don't just grow real plants. I play WoW because I can't go around battling demons and the undead in real life :)
Everything is relative, we just need to look for a certain amount of happiness no matter where we are.
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