I don't know whether to be proud of myself or ashamed.
I been traveling, working alot lately, which has been a double edge sword.
On one hand the money has been okay, but on the other hand it really puts stress on my relationship.
I know most of you would say, "well shouldn't your Bf understand your job by now"?
The answer to that has always been no, for some reason they never get it.
of course this is where the problem lies.
I understand the problems behind being a model, but now as a director there is a whole new slew of problems i didn't foresee.
The jealousies behind having to pick models, then having to talk with them, swap numbers just to be on the same page about the sex they will be having in front of me... blah blah blah.
No one seems to understand, you become numb to it... like any job.
Then you get these desperate models sending you fucked up texts to let you know there alive, hoping that they jog your memory so you will cast you in an upcoming production.
Its silly, yet unavoidable with this job.
Oh then there is fucking Twitter... i don't understand the obsession with this thing...
All i know is that any model, when around me has some sexual twitter to write and it always seems to get to my bf friend quicker than flies to shit. If they only really wrote the truth about how boring i am, and how i really go out of my way not to talk to anyone i don't need to... i guess it wouldn't make for a good twit then?
A real twitter would sound something like this: "wow Erik Rhodes just sits there, he doesn't seem very friendly, and the only time i heard him talk he was complaining he's hungry"
It seems like some way or another, this job is always stepping on the Bf's toes.
I guess what I'm just getting at is, its really hard to win in this industry.
At least with a bf that is not in it and basically doesn't want to understand it...
and why should he...
But then again, i feel like i have won in some sense.
I'm not the type to brag, but these kids today kinda look at me like i used to look at Matthew Rush. I mean he was top dog. He was the one to impress and hope your career in this industry made it to his level.
Now, with all the work i been doing, and excessive socializing, beyond my own personal comfort, i have had none stop models approaching me and say all types of crazy shit
"you are the reason why i wanted to become a porn star".... really, I'm sorry.
" i was one of your biggest fans, I've seen all your movies"... really how are they?
" i hope some day i can have the success you have had, i was in a hotel and i saw you in the movies you could purchase, i hope someday that will be me"... really, you hope you can be in hotel room porn, that's one of your goals in life?
I honestly felt sorry for that last one.
I started doing porn cuz i needed the money, not thinking I'd ever make a name for myself. So i just don't understand where these kids are coming from, i assume its like an ego trip to be a porn star in their eyes and i just find that stupid.
Regardless, i have always felt like the outcast, so with this sort of acceptance, has been actually kinda nice, as stupid as it is, it made me feel good. And seriously porn has never really made me feel anything but regret, and lonely and basically miserable... i guess its just nice to know i made my mark, as meaningless as i think my life, my career has been at least i know i did it the best i could and its been acknowledged.
i know most of you reading this and those that have posted stuff are probably pissed saying, "that's what i been saying to him all along", i know, but, without using dumb quotes... you can lead a horse to water.... i guess you just have to figure thing out on your own.
fyi: I'm really not comfortable talking so much porn.
anyways...
so i guess where i have been besides what i have written above...
been kinda teetering on the edge on a mental breakdown... like always.
just cuz i wrote all that above doesn't quite mean that it means very much to me.
i think i been beat down so much in my real life about being a porn star that, i don't take much pride in anything i have done.
its nice, and its make me feel all warm and fuzzy for about a second before, i tell myself, " you dummy, no one cares, this is what has made this world turn against you. That's why you'll never just be you... you'll always be... that porn star"
i guess what hurts is no one has anything good to say about me...
in real life i mean
in the porn world, i feel loved
but at the same time, its a job, i love alot of the people i work with... but they are not there for me, when I'm alone and could use an open ear, they surely aren't there.
i don't have much contact with them outside of the times I'm working so ya know, it doesn't feel like real true friends.
and in real life, well, i have a bf friend i love, but I'm convinced that he'd be better off without me. It sucks to say i think he is only happy with me 20 percent of the time. I feel like he thinks he's stuck with me. Kinda like when mother contemplates giving up a retarded child and just can't do it. He stays for some reason, and prepares, yet never gets used to the fact, his life could more than likely be so much better if he just walked away.
i think I'm doing the best i personally can... i for once can say i been faithful, i can at least say that i deal with our fights and don't resort to heroin to forget we have problems, but, if i just stay coherent maybe we can work on them instead of letting them grow beyond anything we can both take.
since i moved out of the city, i don't feels as close with my 2 close friends, in fact i feel like they are almost closer with my bf now. so i don't know how to act around them sometimes. it just awkward, you know they only people you used to disclose your worst secrets now might just stab you in the back, granted i don't have many secrets anymore, so i think I'm kinda boring to them as well.
i still don't think my family cares much for be beside basically finding out if I'm alive, its seems like they only care when I'm in the hospital.
i seriously miss my brother. i know he cares, it really feels like he is the only one, but he is actually making something of himself and I'm sure staying away from me, is better for him also.
i think, yeah you know, its feel lonely now, but think of all the people that have come and gone from your life, I'm sure that, before all my mistakes and flaws, they would actually say good things about me?
yeah we might not know each other anymore... but what they remember about me, they might actually miss, maybe have a funny story to tell, i don't know. I think if the topic ever comes up they know Erik Rhodes, the first thing out there mouth might be something like "No, wait, James is nothing like what you think...."
only to recently get confirmation that in fact, no James, they hate you, the ones you tried to love, never loved you and in fact, your are the biggest regret and mistake in so many peoples lives, that if i just sat down and tried to wrap my mind around it... well, I'm not sure if I'd be able to handle it. i have attempted it and trust me it leads to a pretty serious panic attack. The only way i can describe it, is feeling like your about to be attacked from every angle and you don't know where to turn first to protect yourself and in fact you can't. I makes my head pound, you know right where spine and brain connect. I wanna reference American History X and the whole "bite the curb" scene, but i'm not sure it hurts that much.
I guess i spend way to much time trying to stay sane that spending time focusing my hate on people from my past just makes no sense. I wish my problems could only be that simple.
I guess, its just easy to be a scapegoat.
Seriously, how could the porn star not be to blame?
There is nothing behind those eyes except...its numb and black.
Its getting hard to deal with... where i wanna crack open a beer or worse, i don't... but thank you klonopin. Of course my doctor wont prescribe them to me since he think I'm an addict risk, but seriously, I'm not faking this, who would wanna feel like that, and you dumb fuck, i could make that shit go away with all that shit i told you i used to use yet, I'm a risk. are you fucking crazy.
oh fuck, I'm tired of writing... i need sleep so lets figure this out...
Ambien, Trazodone, Temazepan, Nexium, Prevacid, Glutamine, and multivitamin. Wash down with a cap of G. G for goodnight. (jk) maybe...
i wish, i could start my lucid dream right now...
evrything would work,
i'd be i love with anthony forever
my live would have never ended up like this...
it be completely different...
i...we would be happy.
I'd stay here forever...
81 comments:
james....sorry you feel so sad...hopefully someday you will see the light.
你的部落格很棒,我期待更新喔........................................
This sort of writing is why I read your blog. This is a beautifully written post.
But I know that there's nothing that I can say that'll make you feel better. All I can hope is that you can find someone that will give you a solid foundation to work off of, someone that you know will be your friend unconditionally. Maybe it's your boyfriend, I don't know.
Stay strong . . .
GOOD DAY ERIK
I love your blog not because you talk about your porn world and the endless sex you could be having or have had. I love it because you show the true you or the person we have come to read about, and you let most it out there for us to see good bad and the ugly.
Maybe your bf is there because he sees something in you and that you may not see yourself and he is not there for any other reason but to love you and be loved.
Even in the greatest darkness, there is light. Sometimes it means moving forward. Other times, turning back. Or it may be with you already. Just rest assure that the light is always there.
You should listen to more Anita Baker.
My word verification is "blessn"! So that's what Imma doin', blessn my little Sad Doll!
James-I'm glad you finally found the water...Anthony needs to grow up and realize that it's a job for you, but at the same time, I understand that jealousy is a normal emotion. Just don't get too hung up on it.
Your writing is changing; you're not as down as you used to be, it seems. Are you living on the Island with Anthony now? I missed the move I guess. You're trying James, really, really hard. I hope that you eventually see that the light at the end of the tunnel is not necessarily attached to anoncoming train.
Hold tight, keep up the hard work.
ed.
ur doin wat wrks 4 u, n dats a good thng,erik i wil always folow n respect u wer evr u go
James, do you think this recent bout of the blues could be brought on because you took Dixie Carter's passing so hard?
I always enjoy reading your post, the good the bad and the ugly. Just seeing your world (the porn world) through your eyes is always fascinating.
Hopefully you and your BF can hang in there and weather whatever storms come to your relationship and get through to the other side you both seem like great guys
I always enjoy reading your post, the good the bad and the ugly. Just seeing your world (the porn world) through your eyes is always fascinating.
Hopefully you and your BF can hang in there and weather whatever storms come to your relationship and get through to the other side you both seem like great guys
Dixie Carter? No.
But i did take Peter Steele's passing pretty hard.
Type O Negative has been the soundtrack to my depression since i was in high school.
He was the first Vampire out of brooklyn, drug addict, that could fuck anyone he wanted and still hated his life.
RIP PETE
Nossa...Deus realmente da dentes a quem nao sabe sorrir...como seu namorado,noivo,companheiro ou marido como desejar,não te compreende?se você fosse meu,eu me ajoelharia e agradeceria por isso todos os dias...esse cara não te merece
dude, become the person u want to be. u dont have to do it at once, take it slowly. u can do it. how ppl will tell nice stories about u if u dont have, or dont let them know.
still like u very much.
all the best,
A
Eric, I just came across your blog and i must say that your write up is so poetic and very good.
You write from the heart(soul) believe me it got to me. Please hang on there, your BF loves you and is there for you. Please dont ever shut him out. Be positve about life and don't dwell on the past. I believe you are a good person irrespective of the mistakes you have made. Dont allow people and their comments to get to you because you are much more better than most of them. Most people in their closets have things they hide but comes out to pretend that they are angels.
Your blog is so good that i have decided to go back and read the past ones.
Hang on Eric, You will overcome this.
I am a woman, and dont laugh and ask what i am doing here.
Eric/James................. i promise i was going back to read the past blogs. And thats what i am doing now.
I have just the one you titled "Bamboo Puncturing The Skin" posted on sunday December 2009. and i was so scared.
Please Eric, dont die or kill yourself. Please don't give up or loose hope. You are a handsome person, both inside and outside. Look on the positive side of life. Please don't dwell on the past. You have learnt from the mistakes and thats what makes a human being. We are not perfect.
Don't listen to people who are very myopic in their reasoning. People who sits on the high seat to judge others meanwhile the worst idiots on the surface of the earth. You are much more more better than them.
I don't know what to say to make you understand, but i will keep you in my prayers. I am not even in America but from another continent.
when i read your other blogs, i will send my comments. Keep on keeping on. Meanwhile your boyfriend is cute and handsome just like you. so don't give up him.
James, i'm certainly glad to be able to share in your story, and that you take time to tell us. Not holding it in is already good. You let people see who you are... and they have to find the good that overflows from you! It jumps right out at us.
An remember what you do doesn't have to dictate who you are.
Don't give up. And keep sharing (I learned how extremely important that is)
Holy fuck, James -- ur an awesome writer!!!! I hope u explore that more, rather than porn. Think about it, u could be the next John Rechy.
Glad to hear u've gotten out of the city -- which for u would likely lead to ur death. Also glad that ur morphing into directing, but u really need to get out of porn.
Despite what u say, porn seems to bring u such sadness. I have no doubt u can be successful in something other than porn & it will make u feel so much better bout urself.
James,
I still think you'll never have a healthy relationship until you get yourself together and do A LOT of maturing.
I guess you are getting better, but you have a hell of a long way to go. I can't blame you for not having the strength to turn your life around--because if I were in your situation I probably wouldn't have it either.
The only advice I can give you is for you to try to be the best person you can be, it will hopefully at least bring you some more good things and people to your life.
Best of luck.
You need to get out of the porn business. Look, it's nice to get lots of attention, but the porn world is just sex. No love, no friendliness, except for when somebody wants something.
I don't like porn very much, as I never feel happy afterward after viewing it; yet, I also like looking at attractive men's bodies, so go figure!
In my 20s, I worked for a gay porn company, back in the 1980s (not as an actor). The people I worked with were all sex addicts who were constantly in search of twinks. Yes, it's funny in a way, but they were not happy people. The owner had lots of money, nice cars, and always some twink in the passenger seat (God knows if they were of legal age, oy!).
I had to quit working for them (it was YMAC and I don't know if they still exist, nor do I care). But I do know that living at the sexual "level", at least for me, has never led to much fulfillment. I don't think we human beings are meant to "live for sex" or make it a career.
I like the way you express your feelings, so I responded.
Erik,
I hope someday you can make peace with your porn career and with the way your life has taken you in different directions than you expected. I don't think anyone reading this would judge your career as unworthy or you as less than because you have done porn. We are rooting for you, and some of us have been in low places as well.
You are a divine soul, and I hope you know that.
I hope things come together for you James. You've made your mark in the industry. It might not be the ideal way to make a mark, but you actually made one. It's probably not as bleak and lonely as you think things are if you take a closer look. I know it's not easy, but try to stay out of your head --& Cheer up, you are loved & have a lot of fans. I wish I could give you a big hug.
I hope things come together for you James. You've made your mark in the industry. It might not be the ideal way to make a mark, but you actually made one. It's probably not as bleak and lonely as you think things are if you take a closer look. I know it's not easy, but try to stay out of your head --& Cheer up, you are loved & have a lot of fans. I wish I could give you a big hug.
the saddest little girl on christmas street...
如果你不思考未來，你便不會有未來..................................................
James,
I apologize about posting comments earlier in the "talk shit" tab - I posted them in the wrong place. I can't claim to completely relate to what you are going through, but I do understand loneliness.
I also understand the frustration that comes with constantly hearing people say "hang on, it'll get better" because you feel like it never will. The "you deserve it" comments are just uncalled for, and demonstrates a lack of compassionate and empathy for you the person. These people just see the porn star.
What you need is a friend - a friend that isn't judgmental or out to use you as a social trophy. I know it sounds corny, but it's true. If you can manage to find one friend - even if it is just one - it'll make a world of difference to you on a deeper level. Just knowing someone has your back no matter what can change your entire outlook.
I know what it's like to be in a room filled with people and feel absolutely alone. I only wished there was more I could do to help, because I know how bad it can feel.
-Ryan
I dont know what it like to be a porn star and it problem. I do know how it feel like your worth nothing and the fake people in you life tell you great. I like read you blogs it let me know I'm not the only one who life is fucked up and don't have a kind ear to listen to you. It's kinda like your that voice in my head telling parts of my life story. Thanks
James,
I have to add one other thing now that I had some time to walk away and think about this - you are incredibly smart. Your blog posts demonstrate that clearly - you are not the stereotypical "dumb porn star." You have a great body, but you also have an exceptional mind. I have read many a paper from high school students to PhDs, lawyers, and doctors - some were really crappy and some were exceptional. Your ability to clearly articulate your thoughts is a gift that many don't have in this day and age.
I have no doubt that you have the aptitude to do anything outside of the porn industry if you set your mind to it. Yes, you will most likely be seen by some as "that porn star," but you are not typical. I have to echo the thoughts of some other comments - porn doesn't make you happy. Ultimately, it is your choice to stay or go, but if you decide to go, I see great things coming out of you. You are smart, articulate, empathetic, and most importantly, you are down to earth.
All of these characteristics will only work in your favor - that I am sure of without a doubt. You have something special sitting on your shoulders. This isn't my effort to butter you up - it pains me to see you this unhappy. You have so much potential. I only wish I could give you a big hug and tell you all this in person - someone needs to.
-Ryan
hey....i think you are a very intelligent guy. you look like what every gay man has ever dreamed he could look like. you are more successful than you realize. you have a bf who loves you, and despite his insecurity with your career, he is with you because you are you. i can relate to so much of what you describe feeling, it feels kind of like life just fucks with our minds endlessly. will we ever figure out how to truly find happiness, or be content and at peace within our own minds?! guess if it wasn't so challenging, it'd be really fucking dull! - Anyhow, I think that you rock. Keep writing, lots of us relate to you and dig you for your honesty and compassion for life's quest. - Jeff
Okay, I have been reading your blog for some months now and no, this one doesnt sound good (like a previous person commented). This one is bad and it sounds like you've gotten back in a state which you might have gotten out of for some time.
So, here's my little something to it. The way I see it is that your work in porn gives you security. You dont have to risk anything because this is your safety cushion. Money wise. But at the same time it gives you a hard time. My cousin just reminded me a lot of you...He has always lived a very high-maintenance life and after having graduated from college, he is jobless now. So, what does the poor fucker do? He moves back in with his parents because that is the only way he can maintain his lifestyle. But what do his parents do? They give him shit about not getting his ass up to look for work every night at the dinner table. So, why would you do that? I keep telling him he should just move out and get a job as a waiter or whatever until he finds a job. And I kind of recommend the same thing to you. Because as comfortable as it is, the damage (not material wise) can be a lot greater, just not visible.
Now the thing with you and friends. I have a very dear friend here in Vienna (where I am actually from). Lets call him Tom (as if anyone I know would ever read this thread). But Tom never listens. The only thing Tom does is telling me is how he feels misunderstood in the world, how everyone takes use of him and how mean people around him are. And again, Tom reminds me of you. It will be hard for your environment to take you as a friend if you don't care. I have told this Tom guy a million times that people subconsciously note whether you are interested in them or not. I have told him a million times that - as much as I love him - this friendship is not going to last a lot more time if he doesnt stop talking about himself. But Tom doesnt listen. And dont get me wrong, Tom isnt a sociophobic, he has like 659 fb friends and dances at every party in town. But still, he hasnt figured out how to - at least for an hour or so - get his mind of his own problems and find real interest in others. If you find out how to do so, tell me so I can tell Tom. (Because I will honestly be hurt to lose him as a friend).
Hm, I am actually in a writing mood, so I'll just read your text again and then go on commenting.
So, I am moving on to your pornstar issues. What is up with that? I mean, could you feel any worse? You are saying that it must be bad for your bf to be with a pornstar... That everyone looks down at you as a porn star? Well, people, get a life. Eric, get a life. Because I dont think your thinking would change if you would have a different profession. If you'd be a baker, you'd be like "Well, I am just a crabby baker who cant even bake even (as in even parts) pretzels". But at the same time it cant be denied that this whole pornstar thing has a negative impact on you and that's why I come back to my previous comment, saying that you're only staying with it because its comfortable.
Okay, now that I've been so honest (which I know is considered rude in the US, but very normal here in Austria), I'd like to say some random things yet.
I would dare to post in this thread if I wouldnt have experienced similar depressions and shit. And I hated it. It's been the worst years of my life and it sucked ass. And the worst thing is that I tried to find out for years what triggered those depressions and how to get out of them - unfortunately I never found out. I mean, if your stomach hurts, you might be hungry. If your head hurts, you can take aspirin. But this kind of pain is just something I had never experienced before and what made it worse was that I didnt - and still dont - understand what was going on. I am 26 years old now and have been doing therapy for 5 years now. And my therapist finally wants to let me go. I am not trying to brag here, what I try to say is that there are things that pass by eventually. It might take a lot shorter, but also a lot longer than 5 years. But it also takes work. And from what I've read, you dont really seem to be seing a therapist. WHICH IS JUST NOT SMART. A therapist is the only way to at least gain a shadow of understanding of what is going on with yourself. It is so unbelievably important. When I fell into depression, I waited for a year to start therapy. When I had finally started, I came out of my first session, depressed, confused, shy, and very insecure. But I knew that I wasnt wasting time anymore, I knew that I was trying to treat this shit. And even though at times I didnt really progress, I always new that I was at least trying. It helped me a lot. So, give it a try. Try different therapist, hardly any of my friends met the right one right away.
Last but not least I'd like to comment on your personality (from what I have read). I think you are a good guy. I am convinced you are. You seem so reflected and sensitive, just like the people whose company I enjoy. But life doesnt always treat you well if you are like that. Everytime I read comments like "hang in there", "if you ever need a friend...blabla", "you are a great guy, you should publish...", I couldnt help but think "Oh come on, as if that would help him". Now, writing to you, a connection feels much more real and I can somehow understand those people, wanting to give you a hug.
I am sending you a big big hug from Austria! There is nothing I can do to change your situation. I could only be the 976.460th person to offer you an open ear through superficial and unpersonal virtual ways.
Sebastian
Have you ever thought about seeing a psychiatrist to talk about you feelings? Contact me if you want help.
I just thought you'd like to know that Boston Market is now serving Sliders, 3 for $2.99
James, I have said it a million times...
TALK TO ME! I want to help u so bad!!! I've been where u are! I think I can help u!
If ur bf loves u then he will be supportivee!!!
please let me know if u are interested.. U CANNOT LOSE ANYTHING!
WISH U THE BEST... LET ME KNOW.. KISSES
I MISS YOU! I MISS DOING YOUR MAKE-UP!I THINK OF YOU OFTEN, I WISH YOU WELL, MONA,VINCE,DOMINI
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I feel sorry for you because you keep complaining about everything.You are a negative person...you should think in a positive way like you are succesfull in you career, maybe the porn can be a difficult world but that was you choice and you can't change the past, try to think about How you can be happy in the future because everyone deserve a new opportunity to rebuild life.
You won't always look back on your experiences with regret or consider your life to be meaningless. There's value there that you'll eventually come to discover. At some point you'll start to give yourself a break and it will become clear that all the judgment that's been wounding you has always been self-imposed. Until then, keep on making your way as best you can, just like you're doing. The truth of James is that he's always been beautiful and worthy of being loved and nothing will ever change that. You're doing just fine, even if you can't see that right now.
em...sorry to feel your sadness and in a way i can feel the realistic part of your career. i don't get the point of twitter either but... i guess something in this world are not meant to have a point. Is it true that in darkness there'll always be light? i don't know...but i don't know, still gotta live right? seriously hope that dear erik don't get into any kind of addiction or drug abuse.
try to make you feel better~ a big hug~~ok? hehe,oh by the way i'm a girl. and sorry about my english too. My english is not so good
死亡是悲哀的，但活得不快樂更悲哀。...............................................................
Poignant and well stated. Its hard to wade through the stressful and blue times without feeling like you are losing the grasp on who you are, and no one can really say anything to change it. Just know there are always people in you life, even if only on the outskirts who see the you that you are and hope to be. An observation from someone who also feels a little lost.
Erik...It makes me sad that porn seems to make you so unhappy. Your work brings a lot of joy to my life and there would definitely be something missing if hadn't experienced your work. Remember, you don't need to be a brain surgeon to change the world. For a lonely gay boy from Toronto watching your work is like therapy. You've helped me more than you know. On a separate note your writing is eloquent, poignant and enthralling. You really should consider writing professionally if you aren't already.
Im sorry you feel that way, but the music you choose is beautiful. The lyrics are so powerful and in the end the music is what lets you express your self the best, so keep listening and finding the right music to get through it, itll be okay.
I love readding, and thanks for your artical..............................................
Great post, man. I love reading your blog when I do, because I love what comes out of your head and what shows up on "paper" as a result. And I've never even seen your other work. On the subject of your bf, first, realize that the situation you and your boyfriend go through with regards to your career is something you'd both be grappling with too if you were a nurse, doctor, policeman, fireman, etc. OR directing big-budget, legit movies. In fact, if you were directing mass market movies, it would be worse, much worse, because then you'd also be rich, and even more public.The money can be a payoff, but it never makes things simpler - just look at the problems Hollywood people have finding stable, healthy relationships. It's a weird business whether you're shooting "Butthole 5" or Gosford Park. Your poor bf has to understand that if he's going to be with you, he's not only going to have to learn to deal with the issues around your career just as you deal with the issues around his, but he's also expected to support you in your career and encourage you to grow in it or get out of it or whatever you want. And you're expected to support him in his career. And part of THAT, man, is for you to buck up and stop letting your ambivalence and misgivings about your career drive the car - because why should he put up with the crap that goes along with your career if all he hears from you is what a crappy job you have and how much you hate it? And as far as tarty wannabe porn actors texting you, who cares? Actors are needy nuts - all of them. And porn actors are probably even worse because they're so desperate for approval they're willing to be photographed with a dick in their mouth or a hand in their ass to get it. But EVERY couple has to deal with outsiders acting inappropriately either to them or their mate - porn or not porn that's going to happen. You just laugh it off and move on with your evening.
Your writing always resonates with me because it's good, but also because like me, you spend a good amount of time in your head. The advantage I have on you is that I'm at least 2 decades older than you and life has a way of beating the intensity out of you if you stick around long enough. And like you, I loved heroin when I was in my teens and early twenties; fortunately, I decided to clean up when I was 25 and I've never missed it in any serious way. Something to think about when you're really on the edge of the abyss: Is there someone who is worse off than me that I can help? You're in a position to do that, man. You've been through hell and lived to talk about it, AND you've got some juice now. You may have misgivings about the adult industry (who doesn't?) but who better than you to run an ethical set, make quality product, keep an eye on the kids who aren't emotionally suited to what they're doing and encourage them to stop and maybe even mentor the occasional person for whom porn is perfect (they do exist). And keep writing, because I'm betting you that more than one kid who thought making porn would be "hot," that running up a few bags of D would be a good way to chill out, that "escorting" would be an easy, smart way to make mad dough but had no idea of the baggage that comes with it, has been set straight by your well-written ruminations on these and other topics.
Above all, keep writing. Well that, and something that makes money.
Your blogs are a downer (lol) but they're very eloquent. You need to get out of porn, experience other things, and then write about it. Yah! lol
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來看看你囉~blog很棒! ........................................
Life is tough you can make it. I won't e sympathetic with silly sayings of encouragement. Just keep going. that is the only one I know can work.
just stumbled on your blog..have depression for 25 yrs. i "cured" myself with homeopathy. why don't you try with some "wholesome" and "organic" remedies like homeopaty or bach flower remedies. i was very sceptic about homeopathy but i tryed a lot of "normal" drugs and psychoteraphy but nothing helped...just try. you have nothing to lose...
Every once in a while my gay relationship makes me think Oh god!
It was a mistake, i wanna go back.
We're about to move again to the middle of nowhere because certain things you do pay well -that means at first sight things look pretty and colorful but who knows if this is going to last?
keepo ur head high, stay strong
想要推動天下，先要發動自己。..................................................
出遊不拘名勝，有景就是好的..............................................................
More haste, less speed...................................................................
Hi! James, i prefer calling you James to Erik :)
well, i'm your fan from the other side of the pacific ocean,, i'm from Bangkok
honestly, i've visited your blog before and you seemed enjoying your life, actually, you might have changed to this situation for a while but i haven't visited your blog here a for a big while as well. Things you've written recently is what i never expect to see and i'm frank to say that i'm jealous you to have fun with gorgeous guys around. haha. even you yourself are a gorgeous guy, a guy of my dream. I confess that i'm wishing to have a good time with you as well, lol.
Actually, I saw your pics here or might be at the other blog of yours but well it's a pic of you with your BF and of course i was wondering about your relationship with him since it must be in trouble if i see my guy having fun with the other happily,,, although now i'm in casual relationship with a number of guys. lol. But the blog today has answered all my curiosity about your personal life behind the scene. And what happened to you is what i've predicted which i don't want it happen with you both but since your job is pornography, so it's inevitable.
after all, i think it's time for you to rethink what you've done, in this case, just don't be regret, you did porn with the reason, just like doing other jobs, rgiht? first it seemed to be nice but after we might see the other side of the job which we all don't like, but here is the life and many times life is hard to get out of the unexpected situation, just be strong, James..
I think there are a number of your fans who seriously wanna know you more, not just for sex but for getting to know you more as a real human James,, you might get to know them, i'm sure that every people has 2 sides like 2 sides of the same coin, some might be horny on the bed, but at the other side they might be such a good person in daily life. i don't mean that you might start talking with me, lol, but if you'd do i'd be gladdddd :D haha. You might talk to them more, i think they will be open-minded with you, James. I hopefully you will be recovered from all the stress you have. Just be strong, JAMES!!
Pete
this comment isn't about this post. I just wanted to say, how was the web show? I wish i could see it but I'm underage and dad doesn't have a credit card :[
Pen and ink is wits plough. ....................................................................
Pay somebody back in his own coin.................................................................
I was going to make a comment, but you seemed to touch upon the subject. People just really need to understand that you do a job. It is a job and you are a person behind the persona on screen. I honestly don't think I have seen one of your videos, sorry. Not that they are not good. I just don't watch that much porn, but you are nice looking guy. It must be hard to make friends in L.A. Someone always trying to be famous and wanting to ride on someone's coat tails. I would just find some people away from the hollywood scene. Trust takes time and sometimes it is broken. I think I read something about you trying to commit suicide, which i took with a grain of salt. If that is the case though then you should really think about how your death would effect others. Depsite how strained your relationship with your brother is; he will still love you and be hurt by your death. My father killed his self and the pain is like a ripple effect. I hope the best for you. Maybe you should retire? Try something behind the scenes or leave Hollywood all together. I had the dreams of acting to support my family, but after working at my town's local supermarket changed my mind. I don't care to be in the spotlight. I have friends that are News Anchors and Radio DJs. They get spotted if we go out to dinner or something. All your friends need to do is smile warmly and avoid any personal questions thrown at them. It is just a matter of findin the right people. I understand how hard that can be too. I have like 5 close friends I spend time with and trust. I just hope the best for you. I don't know if I helped, but probably rambled on too much. :) I hope things get better for you and your bf. Have a good 4th of July
It takes all kinds to make a world.............................................................
James the Great. I was sad to read how unfulfilled you are in your career. One of your concerns is estrangement with family because of the porn business. I deal with a lot of people and almost all of them are estranged from family and extended family and they are not in the porn bizz. People are very judgemental today because of the news media and talk shows. People rely on these two entities to tell them what and how to think.
What you do is give inspiration to many men who see possibility. Psychologists tell us the importantance of the ego and your work helps to develop that. Of course we need more than what you do, but you provide us with something tangeble, the beauty of a strong masculine man created in His likeness. I give you thanks and God the glory.
Be of good courage and peace.
Will.
Seriously, James??? ¬¬' ... You sound like a 13 year old emo-crap! Get yourself some self control (and balls).... find something INSPIRING to think, find some reason and emotion.. please! Get in charge of your emotions. I'm sure it'll do good for yourself to get out of this 'I'm a fucked up person'-world and get some perspective! You lack some inspiration, imo! Paint something, photograph something, play something... honestly, get REAL!
You choose to feel this way, then work to get out of this 'state' and start feeling alive, rather than dying. I'm Really disappointed to read that those are your thoughts in life.
IMO you're only trying to fish for compliments with the things you write!
當一個人內心能容納兩樣相互衝突的東西，這個人便開始變得有價值了。............................................................
與其期盼別人疼你，不如自己疼自己。..................................................
快樂，是享受工作過程的結果............................................................
留言支持好作品~加油！期待進步和更新..................................................................
I've been reading your blogs for a while now... I'm just a kid well im 18 now lol. But I find them very interesting. I don't even like watching you in porn anymore, not that I don't find you attractive, but because I see who you really are, and it's hard to just see you as an object of something to look at... when I see you, I see your true self.
Is is interesting to see what it's like to be a porn star. It's cool to see who people really are, underneath the mast that everyone puts up. I'm gonna try to be more honest about my feelings, and not try to put up a mask that I'm okay.
There is so little love in this world, that is what everyone truly needs to be happy. I have realized this, through trials and just experiencing things... I have been through a lot, but I have love. God, has blessed me with a love heart. Any trial, anything that ever happens I always am able to just get through it with love. I can't hold grudges, I can't help but forgive. I don't know if you'll even read this, but I see that it is what makes me happy, idk why I am the way I am. I love everyone, I love you, just to let you know that you're loved.
Give your friends hugs, your family, people you don't know, Just try to give love anyway you can... it is the most rewarding thing.
Good luck in life, with whatever you end up doing, if you end up still doing porn, I just hope it makes you happy. I really wish the best for you.
erik/james, i just read your entire blog from the beginning to end. all i can say is your blog is like a brett easton ellis novel, but better! your blog could seriously be an amazing book/screenplay/movie. think about it, seriously.
Honestly, if you wanted change, you'd make it.You talk about your life like you can't change it, it just seems like you enjoy being sad or something.You're more than an interesting individual and your blogs proving that you're a man to even talk about some subjects but if you really wanted to try and work in something else, you could.You're not as worthless as you say.If you know what you're doing is wrong then change it, don't keep drowning yourself.Sure this is your job but you must like where you're at in it to keep going.Money or not, nothing is impossible and you could change your career if you REALLY wanted to.arnold use to be a nude model or some shit right? and people just recently found out about it and now he's the governor of california.Iron man (aka robert downey jr.)use to be in and out of jail and a recovering addict and now he's a movie star at what 40?
Surely you could be one of those few people to really change around and do something better with your life.Even fucking jenna jameson stopped doing porn and sold all her companys!
come on dude, be smarter than what you make yourself seem.
I might not know your entire life story or much about you or the industry you're in but I do believe nothing is impossible and you CAN change if you strive for it.I think you'd be allot happier if you went to school for something you really wanted to do or something of the sort.Give yourself options and stop closing doors on yourself.
Reading your posts make perfect sense to me sometimes. How life is with people's perceptions, expectations or judgements. It can be pretty tough. Somehow we all need to find a way to make it through.
I understand feeling bad about yourself on a personal level even if your profession reaches and touches tons of peeps! care about yourself, and learn to fight the sadness. we are all far stronger than the sadness and its a waste of time.
my boyfriend always tells me to get over it and get back to your dreams!
and i try every day!
I hope your heart can last long enough to find your dreams again!
Bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla. Ohh come on, put urself together james. Writing bout ur problems is not the solution. Do somethin and do it fast, or u will drown in ur own soup. Sorry, thats the thruth. Great blog by the way.
Hi Eric! I'm glad I came across your blog. I hope you're doing much better.
I dont understand you, youre way deeper than i expected. Like my friends who play football or hockey, they dont show their feelings but still, they exist.
You have a great blog, greetings from Sweden.
Hi James/Eric,
Do you know how much respect you got from us? Not because of the porn you do, it's because of who you truly are.
we all love you the way you are. See the comments? How much there are? How much comments which support you?
Are you still feeling alone or left behind?
Please.... Stay strong James..
Even if we can not experience directly what you really have experienced, We CAN feel your feeling, sadness, emotion, passion, etc
we will always here waiting in your blog =)
FIGHTIIIINGGGG JAMEEESSSS !!! =)
Oh yeah,, i forgot. Stay healthy and stop using the drugs Okay?
At first, please constantly try reducing the dosage you take
sincerely always loving and supporting you (I swear!)
Rifqi
Oh yeah,, i forgot. Stay healthy and stop using the drugs Okay?
At first, please constantly try reducing the dosage you take
sincerely always loving and supporting you (I swear!)
Rifqi
It's too serious problem to me, I think you can manage it somehow purchase term papers
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