Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Eventually We All Are Going Home...

So after countless blogs written and not posted, i come to a crossroads on this blog.
I'm tired of the non-stop depressing overtone. I swear if you read the earlier posts, i think i had fun with this...and somehow along the way it just became my place to air out my depression and never give any insight to the things that make me happy, Jesus, if you only read my blog and you never met me in your life you would think i am always miserable.
Granted this blog comes after giving in to anti-depressants, but shit, I'm tired of wasting my life, waiting for death, without making my mark on this world, without trying to be a good boyfriend and start a family, without just giving life a chance at being worthwhile. I have never understood life in general and i think its finally about time to just give up hoping that life isn't as shallow as it become to me... i mean there must be some meaning and I'm starting to believe the harder you search for it the longer it alludes you. So in an attempt to feel alittle more alive, I have abandoned all my hopes and I'm just letting life take me where it wants. I think this way i can avoid life's consistent "let downs".


I know i always bitch about my path in life without making changes to it. So i have come up with a solution... i could spit out that annoying serenity prayer or i could just easily say, "If you can't beat them, join them"
So to everyone hating on me since i have stuck in the porn business... well go fuck yourself.
Lets be serious... Having sex on cam has almost become a Gay males Rites of Passage. Anyone with a web cam now thinks that regardless of what you look like, your gonna be sexy as long as you post it on xtube. It makes me fucking sick. Please and if your somehow to shy, of video, i don't think i know one faggot that hasn't at on point in there life, fucked around with someone for money or materialistic bullshit. Everyone does, but doesn't admit it. I admit it and so I'm an easy target to take out your disgust with yourself. Your the whore at the club looking to get fucked on Monday night, your the fag in the committed relationship that cheats nonstop and acts likes a happy family, your the pathetic loser that only gets off with teenage boys when your older than sin, your the troll cruising the bathroom at the gym in a g-string even when the steam room is out of order, your the sick fuck that only gets when he finds a new way of mutilating his huge gaping asshole, your all these things... and you know what? its fine, well as long as you can admit to it. I shouldn't need to be a scapegoat for your own sickness. I admit whats wrong with me. I know i have lead i pretty disgusting life, one that i am and forever will be ashamed of but... My weight is lifted.
Isn't it sick when the porn star has steadier footing on reality than you?
Fuck, it seems like reality doesn't even exist in the gay world. I barely go out these days, but somehow, when I'm suckered into it, i watch, and quietly judge....
And almost every time i sit there and wonder to myself, "how is it that, i am the odd man out, how am i the filthy pornstar?"
I watch as these queens basically simulating sex with guy after guy at the club and they call it dancing? Humping someone while you fem out to a Lady Gaga song is somehow less filthy and disgusting than anything i have ever done on video? Personally i don't fucking think so.
I'm not sure how i got here, but I'm standing outside the box now, looking in and completely not understanding what I'm seeing. Being gay has become so foregein to me, i don't understand it, and at this point , i really don't want to.
And seriously, i need to just work on me... years of letting thing spiral out of control and well, now is either the time to attempt fixing the misfortune of my reckless life, or just give up.

Its time to stop caring of what everyone thinks, its time to stop trying to understand gay men on a higher level than just sex. I mean i have been trained in the gay world of sex, and i understand it. Hence staying in porn as a director seems to be the right thing to do.
Granted i still am very opinionated, and personally I think that porn should never be something anyone should aspire to. But of course my opinion is typically over looked by most of these young kids who think somehow gay porn will make them famous. So fuck it, i think everyone needs to learn on there own.
It kinda reminds me of growing up, my mother did everything she could to not allow me to see the movie "Natural Born Killers". Which only made it more intriguing to me. Granted this was around the time the Menendez brothers killed their parents and I'm pretty sure my mom was afraid me and my brother would do the same since my house growing up was filled with guns. Anyways, long story short, Natural Born Killers is my favorite movie of all time. Which lead me to my point... It when you hold someone back from something, it will only fuel their desire to do it more. So I'm tired of preaching to kids about the consequences of porn. Fuck em they can find out on their own. In Fact now i can direct them on there way down...

PS. I find it kinda funny how people think this blog is some sort of fake soap opera. The comments said, i was "taking people for a ride" and readers are "being taken advantage of and don't even realize it". Even commenting in the paypal button, Yeah there is a paypal button but shit, I'm not begging for your money to read my bullshit... but if you feel like donating then shit, I've learned to never turn down free money. Porn isn't the cash cow all you people think it is. But for someone to comment I'm getting over on people seems so strange. I never meant for people to dislike me or the porn i do based on my internal monologue spewed out in this blog. God, i wish i could say it was all made up, but unfortantley, its not. So enjoy the ride, i hope it sucks for you as much as it does for me.

Either way, I'm back...


Inject Me Sweetly said...

ERIK i fucking love u dude , if i lived in the usa i would so make u mine , yeah i read your blogs and all that , still trying to add you to facebook lol , sent u a friend request the other month, seems you havent logged in in years buddy , well take care ,eva wanna talk email me , , ill always listen to you no matter what xxxxx robbie

Astro said...

aw man, I HATE THE GAY WORLD TOO. Thing is: we are the gays. we d be the ones able to change it. not gonna happen i guess. for so many reasons... but would be cool to live in a world with less fear, doubts, distrust... oh what am i saying? glad u fine, glad u back. can see u got a new perspective of/for ur life, which is grand. exactly what u needed. u starting a new cycle and i hope it makes u very happy. remember, u can change it again anytime u want. keep believing u deserve more.
way to start.

thanks for coming back. i feel less lonely reading ur posts.


Spherical Time said...

Glad to hear a bit of positive attitude. Cheers to you.

I look forward to seeing your directorial debut. Keep us informed!

edmcan said...

Glad you're back. Glad you discovered that the world is full of hypocrites. Porn is a job James, it doesn't have to be a lifestyle. Fuck everyone else and be true to yourself.

Mladen said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mladen said...

Ah Enlightenment. Glad It Happened To You. FINALLY.
You are just too hard on yourself. You Remind Me Of Myself.

Lady Sovereign - Love Me Or Hate Me

-The Song Is Pretty Shitty But The Lyrics Are Just Right.

- Greetings From a Devoted Reader And Definitely Not A Hater. CARPE DIEM

just that guy said...

So happy to read this post. You're right, your blog had become dark lately, but I know for me most times I have no need to blog about things in my life that don't need resolution. Happy moments and the monotony of everyday occurrences you can work out in your head, it's the powerful confusing moments that require introspection and let's face it, writing it down is a great way to sort things out. With that said, yeah your blog got sad, but it's always been honest. The honesty in this one had me cracking up because I know exactly the bitchy gay queens of which you speak. It can get tiring. Know that unfortunately they're everywhere, but you're not alone in the experience of it.
As one of my friends tells me how he deal with the idiots... Dig it, or f*ck off.
For better or for worse, go get 'em tiger...

Giggles said...

I've read all your posts from the beginning and this latest one has to be the best one of them all. Congrats to you!

Odd said...

Yeah, I haven't really experienced much of the gay scene. It's not what I'm into at all, and reading your ideas on it makes me glad that I'm not the only one who thinks it's more than messed up. I'm not gonna bash my sexuality, but there is a limit of what I can take. I feel dirty whenever I set foot into a club and see all the grinding that goes on. Makes me not like what I am, you know? Then I just have to remind myself that I'm NOT that.

Anyway, I'm glad you're wrapping your head around things. It's good to see you again. :]

Nick In Transition said...

Life is what you make of it. If you choose to dwell on the negative and constantly expell that into the universe then the universe will return that negativity to you. The reality is that society is never going to change and more specifically nothing you do will change other people. You can carry your shame with you to your grave, but doing so will only put you there faster. I agree that being gay is not at all what I thought it was going to be, and it promised to be much more than what it has turned out as. I'm a little younger than you are but I've been through as deep a gutter. Letting your pain go is never easy and having to look at yourself for who you are can be devastating, but to change the things you can in life, which is yourself, can truly set you apart in a world where everything looks the same.

jq2002 said...

Good to see you back, James.
And with a more positive attitude. I am sure you will be as good behind the camera as you are in front of it and i wish you the same success.
A big hug from an old friend (at least from a 68 y.o. who thinks he is) and who cares for you.


William said...

Well, well. Jimmy's back.

Glad to see you're on medication. I hope you take it regularly and see your psychiatrist as needed. The following is a website for therapists that are familiar with sex addiction:

There's a ton of resources out there to help with intimacy issues, depression, etc. The most important relationship you have is the one you have with yourself. In order to become a better partner, you need to be good to yourself first and foremost. I'm curious to see how consistent you are with addressing your mental health and emotions. Also, I found it interesting that you brought up your mother, violence, and your favorite movie.

Best of luck Jimmy.

Diego said...

I love you Erik, omgg you're so articulate in everything you say, such a quoteable person! This shit's going in my facebook status hahaha

Brian said...

nice to see you posting again. I think having this new attitude towards the blog would be a nice change for you. I'm sure even though there are times when you are down etc you must have some funny moments on set or just in general that you could share.

I'm just thinking something funny like "when I was getting fisted by Francois Sagat, during breaks he would use the crisco that was for fisting and he made fried chicken for the crew"

Granted that's probably not a likely scenario but I'm sure you have stories that show a lighter and (dare I say it) enjoyable side of life.

I'm sure like any couple you have those moments of hilarity that are cute and funny. Random moments when you are just doing something normal like going to the bank and the teller is all like "dude your Erik Rhodes... my bf luuuuuvs you! Here have a free pen!"

Life is for the most part depressing and horrible but hell the random moments of hilarity kind of help a bit. I'm sure with your extreme lifestyle you have more of those moments than most.

Best Wishes as always

Scott said...

Erik -

I think that this is an awesome, awesome post. I'm really proud of you, man. I think you have guts and intelligence, and - most importantly - integrity. You actually mean a lot to me, in ways you couldn't even know.

And just remember, for every stereotypical "bitchy", nasty, attention-seeking, overly-opinionated, rude, loud-mouthed queen out there, there are TONS of decent, (quiet), confused, conflicted young guys who look to you and see an interesting, and inspirational, guy. (I am one of them). And NOT because you "do porn"; but because, through porn, you convey an image that an attractive, masculine, normal-seeming guy can feel comfortable and proud about being into other guys. Being gay is "hot"!!! It is okay, and even super hot, to make out, fuck around, and care about other guys.

I, for one, have gotten a lot of strength, pride and encouragement from watching you. I think that sometimes this aspect of porn gets lost in all of this ridiculous, hysterical hub-bub.

Please, just keep on being you. You are a pleasure to watch, and to "know" a bit. I think you are terrific.

Thank you much (and especially for bottoming! I can't tell you how hot that gets me! lol).

Yours truly,

"Sam" (from Falcon a couple of weeks ago, hahaha. Great show, btw!)

jose said...
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jose said...

im glad you feel better about who you are i hope everything goes better for you.
please if you have time listen to this song it touches me because this reminds me what made me feel when i read your stories.

AWEInCA said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jaquith said...

ive been reading your blog... and wondering since your absence if you were ok...Im glad you are back. I guess for me... porn is a release... im very visual.. and I enjoy watching you... among others. You are good at what you do... and i have a feeling you will be good at whatever you want to do. Ive learned, it isnt easy to be gay. If the fucking str8 world had a small sample of what we go through they would leave us the fuck alone. You have a fan here.. someone that takes antidepreasants too... and im glad you are taking yours... you have a lot to offer.. on and off the screen... Jim...

jgermano3 said...

Hi James,
Gay world, there is no such thing, don't be fooled there is only one world. All the answers you seek are in you already, they will be revealed over time. On the seventh of this month I found my brother in-law hanging in his basement. When I cut him down I wanted nothing more but to breath him back into this world, but that was not to be. He was 56, a good man, I miss him. Life is bitter at times, but so too is it sweet. Remember that taste, keep it in your mouth, saviour it. Treat others as you would wish to be treated yourself and keep your heart open to love & hope, I promise you if you keep these in your mind you will be fine. All the best to you in this world - Joey

smith said...

Such a fucking lazy bastard...
Update your fucking blog ...
we need to read you more

Marc said...

Bravo, James. Sooner or later you've got to decide that your opinion about yourself is the only one that matters. There are plenty of people out there who wish they WERE you, or at least wish they were what they believe you are. Who can blame anyone who buys into superficiality when it's sold as the answer to all our problems? You've made the journey and you found out that it's not what it's cracked up to be. There's no shame in that.

There is more than that out there, though, even if you're not seeing it right now. Just give yourself a break -- quit beating on yourself for all your supposed sins because all of those judgments are just bullshit. All of us are trying to figure things out as best we can, even the ones who get caught up in spreading their pain around.

So keep taking care of yourself, step by step. One of these days you'll learn to see the beauty in yourself that's always been there, the stuff that can never be diminished. That's who you've always been, who you are becoming. What you've been wanting will always be there for you and you will find your way.

INthralled said...

Your dark side is the reason you're my favorite star, (btw in my eyes you are mega famous) All the greatest artists in history all had very dark lives. It's exactly their darkness that made their mark so permanent on this earth. I intuitively feel you want to go fully dark and somehow stay alive, I believe you can realize that power... I used to be gay. But I realized that it doesn't really mean anything to say that. I was given a gift to choose whatever I want for myself. So why must I choose this 'gay.' I tried girls and it was ok but guys have amazing electric sexual pulse and I prefer that, I hunger for it... whew.

Please make some new generation of dark powerful porn that only you can create for us :)

I'd love to be behind the scenes in the porn industry. Do I have to move to America/USA.

Dean Grey said...

Welcome back Erik/James!

You sound much more level-headed and emotionally "calm" now compared with previous posts. That is a GOOD thing! I'm guess the anti-depressants are a big help, huh?

Glad to see you posting again!


SuperSmartboy25 said...

I am not one the people who worship you, but I can understand your pain, is sad, but life is sad for so much people, I hope that you can see the glass have full, not have empty.

Look... Just think on this... “The hardest think in this world is to live in it, be brave! Live!"... Life is never easy for any of us, but we only can live that life and hope for the best. You should be doing it.

"If most of people have a problem with what you are doing for living, then is more them problem than yours"

I hope that you will be ok, just keep it up!

Just a friend from Venezuela

theodd17 said...

erik kno matr wat u wil alwas b a hero 2 me. i respect n admire u.

Tyler said...

"No one feels another's grief, no one understands anthers joy. People image they can reach one another. In reality they only pass each other by."-Franz Schubert

Fuck em all :D

Smile19 said...

You are so cool. I feel jealous of you. My life is nowhere as interesting as yours which sucks. I've had my share of problems already. And I'm only 19! I feel bad for not recognizing other people's problem's like yours because I was too wrapped up in my own stuff. Whatever problems you're going through, trust me, it will all get better in time. If you want to chat, email me at

godofbiscuits said...

Wow, it's been a long time since I just happened to surf onto a personal blog and found someone in berzerker mode, insisting that everyone--and you do mean every last one of us--is doing all the things you have done (and continue to do? I don't know, I'm asking), with the intent of making yourself...what? feel less alone?

Feel not left out? Feel justified in your choices?

What happens to you if you actually meet, in person, someone who isn't one of the people you accuse "all of us" of being?

Someone who isn't like that wouldn't point fingers at you and deride you and everyone else because of the things you've done and continue to do.

But maybe that would just piss you off even more?

I have my own blog. Have had it for nearly 7 years. I know I'm not my blog and I know you are not your blog. It's stupidity to think otherwise.

That said, you are responsible for the character of its content, and jesus fucking christ, man.

Has it ever occurred to you that the amount of time spent in the porn industry--NOT THAT YOU WERE IN IT OR NOT IN IT OR *ARE* IN IT--but the *AMOUNT* of time spent around people who think of sex as work and people as bodies and bodies as parts and parts as money....that's a fucking toxic environment.

Whether you end up agreeing with their assessment of sex and bodies and parts or not, you can't help but be affected by being around all of that for so long.

So walk away or don't, but you know that that kind of second-hand shallow kills your own sense of self and the damage it does isn't irreversible, but it does take a long long time to get back to being human again.

But we all make our choices. The harder portion is living with them. Shallow people strike out at others with blame and vituperation for the consequences of their own choices.

Decent, moral, stand-up kinds of people can be porn-stars and porn directors and fuck in clubs and on webcams and do all those things so long as their own the consequences of their own choices.

And learn to accept the loneliness that comes with having no one else to blame.

Jealco_Jermaine said...

hey i don't know if you write people back that leave comments, but here goes. i think that you are courgous to blog about how real reality is depression of days on tops of days that have you wondering how or even life is going to be better. And i personally thanking you because you write your feeling and thoughts have given me hope. hi Jermaine A. Callando by the way, i just read the blogs on this page and i think you are as abnormal as everyone, and i think honestly that being abnormal is normal is this time. i wish to be just another person that has little issues and live on being normal but i'm learning that my issues and problems are just another key essence of being myself. and please never stop writing down what you truly feel. Because your helping at lease someone Bye Jermaine C.

Alfonzo said...

You know, it always makes me happy when people finally stand up for themselves. I'm glad you've done the same thing here. Usually it seems as though you get really pissed off at some peoples' comments. There is a difference between getting pissed off and giving people the f#ck you.
Here, you did the latter and I'm glad to see you finally did.

I've been reading your blog since last summer (maybe longer, I don't remember), but since then I've started going to seminary. One thing I've learned is that NOBODY has the right to judge someone else. The other thing I've noticed is a lack a repect for your own beliefs. You and I obviously don't believe in the same things, but I know there is a reason you believe what you do and I understand that.
My point is, who is anyone else to tell someone how to live (unless they've been asked for help)? I'm glad you're finally seeing that you're just as good as anyone else.
On the other hand, you are putting everything out there for people to read, so I'm sure you're ready for what comes back.
I hope things keep improving for you.

ivyLeaguer said...

"Humping someone while you fem out to a Lady Gaga song is somehow less filthy and disgusting than anything i have ever done on video?"

Let's see, is grinding on someone on the dance floor less filthy than shoving a Champage bottle up your ass? Is it less filthy than eating guys' cum? Is it less filthy than getting double-fucked? Getting fisted? Hmm, I just don't know. I will have to get back to you.

peter said...

Alfonzo said: "One thing I've learned is that NOBODY has the right to judge someone else."

Erik: "I barely go out these days, but somehow, when I'm suckered into it, i watch, and quietly judge...."

Scott said...

"ivyLeaguer" (sic) - I might note that you seem to be quite familiar with Erik's work. I think one of the points Erik was trying to make (and one of the issues he is struggling with) is that he frequently gets judged (and trashed) by a lot of hypocritical guys - the kind of guys who safely grind on the dance floor, but who invariably sit at home jacking and consuming lots of (his) porn (while prowling the internet in the middle of the night). What's worse (if either): being the porn star, or being the one who is sitting at home watching (and trashing) the porn star?

me said...

It is great to read that u are getting better!
Personally I never thoughy that everything was a lie.. I mean.. I've been through a lot like u.. and it was perfectly detailed... if it was a lie.. then u should be a writer.. what an imagination!

u are doing the right thing james... let me just give u an advice... it is possible that u will have a relapse.. if u do... do not be scared... u can get up again... I know u will...

chatting with u still is a unfinished task to me... have a blast!

Alexander said...

JAMES!!!!!I am glad you are back! I am glad you are in good spirits and have a positive attitude! I love your blog! You speak the truth. For that, I say "Thank you" and congratulate you. By the way, your boyfriend is HOT and I am sure he is a nice guy and a great boyfriend to you! Good job James! James, you have truly been blessed and live everyday like it is your last! Love you and take care!

Cade said...

James, I discovered your blog about six months ago and have read back through your entire blog. I've always quite liked you and really hoped you would find a way to be happy. I have to say though, turning nasty and laying into the gay community for such ridiculous things as 'femming out to Lady Gaga' has really turned me off.

Sorry to tell you this but I'm in a committed long term relationhip, have never cheated on my boyfriend, taken money or material objects for sex, never done porn or mutilated my butt hole or done web cam sex.

Yes, myself and my partner watch porn, and we're a fan of you, so I guess that makes us disgusting?

I think you judging the gay community based on what you see in nightclubs and gym locker rooms (or L.A in general) is so completely laughable. I'm in Australia - did you know there are gays over here? There's also some in China and I think there might be a couple of us in Portugal - and some other countries that I can't think of off the top of my head.

Did you know that gays actual exist outside of porn studios, nightclubs and gyms? Guess what buddy, there IS actually life outside of the tiny L.A gay world you seem to live in, narrow minded much?

Anyways, I wish you well but I won't be coming back to read your blog anymore, I've always really felt for you with your struggle to be happy and find love, but to be honest after your vitriolic spray in this last post I think my reading time would best be served somewhere else on a blog written by someone who actually respects the people reading thier updates.

Scott said...

It's funny to me how different people can read the same thing, and get such different meanings from it.

For me, the main theme that Erik/James is struggling with in his blog is his frustration at being attacked and put down by the gay community for being a porn star. This seems to be a completely reasonable reaction to me! I support gay rights (for all the people of the world), support the gay community - actually, in truth, I support the right for anyone to do whatever the f**k they want, as long as they aren't hurting themselves or others - but, let's be honest -- there is a huge amount of hypocrisy, bitchiness, and just plain nasty mean-spiritedness out there. You have all these people out there buying his videos, reading his blogs, watching his porn - most likely guys who probably neither could be porn stars, or would be porn stars - who then feel they have the right to just plain trash the guy! It is just plain bizarre to me. I mean, if you don't like him or what he is doing, just don't watch! Go do something else! Why the need to be so mean? And, more importantly, where do these guys even get off feeling like they have the right (!) to be nasty? What has he ever done to them? It's like people create their gods, only so that they can tear them down. Or, perhaps more accurately, they create their gods, and then get disappointed to realize they are human beings, too.

Do I agree with absolutely everything Erik wrote in his blog? No. But I took it in the spirit of someone who has (boldly) "put it out there" (in many ways), who has gotten burned, and who is now struggling with being pissed/depressed/angry/frustrated. To me, his blog has gotten very human and real.

For me, Erik/James means a lot. I struggled with my gay feelings for a long time, but did not really identify with drama guys, cabaret/effeminate guys, Lady GaGa guys - not that there is anything wrong with them - it was just not what I was into (I, for one, like sports). So, when I first saw Erik/James, it meant a whole heck of a lot to me to see someone who was tall, athletic, built, masculine, and sexy -- who was truly comfortable getting it on with other guys! I think the world of him for that! And could thank him to pieces.

He is human; he is interesting; he is real. I just wish more guys would be less bitchy and mean, and would learn to say something nice about people.

VB789 said...

I fucking love it... All these people just agreeing. Disagreeing... I don't even fucking care... I just check this to fulfill my need for drama... I mean. I Don't think of your life as some soap opera for my enjoyment. But shit, If you're gonna post every piece of bullshit that happens to you along the way. Why not? On that, you do have really good music though...

LMFAO all the way,


kevin said...

Happy you are back, \James..have missed you.. fuck all those haters ..just live and love yourself and your life..and..hehe..your bf.. I only wish you the best..
also..I hope u do a DNR show again sometime soon.. u are my fav guest host..
thnx for being u..i enjoy it.. now its time for u to enjoy being u as well.
hugs, buddy

M.v.F. said...

Eric, if you think porn directing is a way out, take it from me after over 30 movies - it is not. Its as much of a spiraling never going anywhere cycle like being a hooker or a pornstar. Its a dead end. Maybe with more money but equally unsatisfying on all other levels. You give advice to guys who just enter porn thinking its a way to go. My advice to you is look for other ways to make money than porn directing. The secret lies in who you surround yourself with - whether its acting or directing or owning such business you are still in the fine company of hookers with the same problems and who never learn anything or never teach you anything. Change people and your environment and prospects will change. M.v.F.

Dorian Smith said...

I'm one of those few and odd gay men who have never posed naked in front of a cam (yes, we exist!), fucked for materialistic reasons, or bumped and grinded to Lady Gaga. That doesn't mean I'm ugly as fuck and shy, but just that it's something that never even crossed my mind as interesting to do. Maybe we are a minority, but we are out there Erik... perhaps not in America though.

edd183 said...

Erick, i dont know how i find myself reading ur stuff jaja, i think the real trouble in the whole world, its that we think we are so much diferent between us, i mean, i understand ur feelings and i dont need to be a pornstar, i´ve actually done some shamefull stuffs and attemped against myself in so much diferent ways... but you know what? we only hurt other people and ourselfs to get a bit of asertivity and understanding, so keep going, do what makes u happy, and dont regreat about it. i wish u the best..... Eduardo

swift05 said...

I have to agree! I don't think the whole porn business is disgusting, it's just business, a multmillion business and we as your fans, love you no matter what! If i had the body for it or the cock for that matter, i'd do what you do!

Stay hoooot! :)

Marlon said...

cool, i like your snow person!

DCTwistedLife said...

Life is not as 'shallow' as the gay world makes it. The gay world is hypersexual, and unfortunately I think if you want to find quality you will have to work for it. You'll have to work against your "reputation" as a porn star... in order to find the quality that you seek. I know it is out there, I've experienced it myself. But in order to get what you want you have to be what you want... you have to project out into the world what you want!

Stop thinking that life is shallow and pointless! If thats how you really feel, you will subconsciously act like that... and you'll attract other people who share similar beliefs. Life is not pointless. You've made mistakes, but it is certainly not too late to make big changes in your life and go after the life you might have dreamed of when you were little. Or maybe the life you dream of now.

Stop focusing on the negatives... go out into the world and FIND something positive (even if its small and you feel its insignificant). Hold onto that and keep on looking for positive things... then start with your life. Get rid of the negative and replace with positive.

I sound like a life coach... but whatever. If you give it a sustained effort you'll see a change. All the best.

immarked said...

Love the total difference in tone in how you are writing from your previous post to the one now. Apart from you realizing that you should just the young ones to experience life on their own terms what made you come around?? Don't get me wrong i love what has happened to you in such a short time, but what was THE turning point for you?

ralncsu06 said...

I love reading your blogs. I know exactly where you're coming from and agree completely. I get the same thing, except I'm an escort instead of in porn. I get called a whore, trash, etc., but in reality the majority of the people who are saying all of that bullshit are out there hooking up with the first piece of ass that walks by. The only difference is that I get paid for it. Anyways, I've done the whole anti-depressant thing as well and it really helps. Having a positive attitude and looking up like you've talked about really help; in my opinion anyways. I hope things start looking up for you as well! Enjoy yourself.


Bloggerboy said...

Do you love yourself? We have all done things we regret but given the same set of circumstances and the same knowledge, we would do the same things again. That's life. If we don't like what we did in the past then don't do it again. Move on. As for what people think... That should be the least of anyone's worries so long as you are not hurting anyone. Show me someone who is perfect and I will show you a boring fart who has never lived. There is a book which says judge not least you also get judged. If you start critising everyone else it means you have some insecurity so you have to make yourself feel better by finding fault with others. I am not a professional medical person but I have avoided medication of any sort for the past three years or so. I always seek natural herbal alternatives where necessary amd I feel so much better for it. I no longer had the psychological dependence I had on prescription and over the counter drugs.

gcapanema said...

Erik, I just found your blog, and needless to say, I'm in love with you... I completely agree with you except for one part: what you do for a living is not disgusting at all... you are simply free! the Gay world only wants to take part of the "normal" (?) world, with all its flaws and prejudices. Every person is capable of being disgusting, but you are not, you have a veeery good point of view, and this just makes me love and cherish you more! A Big Kiss from Brazil, where you are famous too!^^

James said...

So my comment on your latest post was posted before I read this one. Congrats on the directing gig. Honestly I'm glad you tell people to shut the fuck up. They want to act like it is gross to be a porn star, but I bet you they have purchased more videos than you have starred in. It seems that gay men want to fufill the stereotypes set forth by society. I kind of have stopped dating here because of that. I'll be in a relationship that blooms out of a great friendship. It is like a garden. Things need to be tended too, but it is a two way street. I hope the directing job works out for you.

guillermo said...

"Everyone does, but doesn't admit it. I admit it and so I'm an easy target to take out your disgust with yourself. Your the whore at the club looking to get fucked on Monday night, your the fag in the committed relationship that cheats nonstop and acts likes a happy family"

that's so truth... i gotta confess, when i see you for first time, i thought "just another pornstar... incredibly hot", but at that time i had prejuices too: "be a couple of a pornstar?, no way"... i was just 20 and i just realized i was gay and just gay. young, innocent, living in a very small city where the gay world was unknown even for me...
in four years, i have read every interview of you and ... well, i fallen in love, but... you are so right...

gay world is such a hipocrital... if you don't have sex, you are an idiot, if you have it, you are a slut. and there are so many married guys "to women"... all what you said, people who just wanna have sex (it doesn't matter if they hurt anybody's feelings)and they dare to judge.

i understand you, very well and you know... sometimes is hard to understand something until you do for yourself... yeah, you are right, i did a "show2 on webcam, nobody can judge me, because i am the only one who knows why i did that... and it was just a side of me... that's not all what i am.

my last boyfriend left me because "i can't be with a man in this city, or in this country; i need to be with a woman, i don't care if i am gay... we can see each other when i were free", well... maybe arequipa-peru is not the best city or even gay-friendly, but i wanna fight to get my place in this world.

you know, i wish i met you, maybe it's better a honest pornstar than an unfaithful boyfriend or a liar guy married.

you are worthy james, maybe a little crazy but everybody is, and you have proven it writing all what you wrote. i know depression is horrible, and i am not telling you "get it over" cause i know that is not easy... but fight for you even with depression. i am glad to see you feel "better" or at least you wanna fight... do it james!, and remember you are worthy, really. you are better than some guys i met and you described.

Scott said...

I just love this guy. Not because he is porn star, not because he is good looking, or smart, or really good at what he does. I love him because he is REAL. He struggles, he makes mistakes, but he puts it out there, and he is real.

guillermo said...

i agree, james is real, not a maniqui else. i really would like to meet him one day and talk to him... just talk.

Gabriel said...

Just wanted to say that the music you put in here, is awesome. Different genres, various moods. A diaphanous/dark experience at the same time. Thanks.