So after countless blogs written and not posted, i come to a crossroads on this blog.
I'm tired of the non-stop depressing overtone. I swear if you read the earlier posts, i think i had fun with this...and somehow along the way it just became my place to air out my depression and never give any insight to the things that make me happy, Jesus, if you only read my blog and you never met me in your life you would think i am always miserable.
Granted this blog comes after giving in to anti-depressants, but shit, I'm tired of wasting my life, waiting for death, without making my mark on this world, without trying to be a good boyfriend and start a family, without just giving life a chance at being worthwhile. I have never understood life in general and i think its finally about time to just give up hoping that life isn't as shallow as it become to me... i mean there must be some meaning and I'm starting to believe the harder you search for it the longer it alludes you. So in an attempt to feel alittle more alive, I have abandoned all my hopes and I'm just letting life take me where it wants. I think this way i can avoid life's consistent "let downs".
I know i always bitch about my path in life without making changes to it. So i have come up with a solution... i could spit out that annoying serenity prayer or i could just easily say, "If you can't beat them, join them"
So to everyone hating on me since i have stuck in the porn business... well go fuck yourself.
Lets be serious... Having sex on cam has almost become a Gay males Rites of Passage. Anyone with a web cam now thinks that regardless of what you look like, your gonna be sexy as long as you post it on xtube. It makes me fucking sick. Please and if your somehow to shy, of video, i don't think i know one faggot that hasn't at on point in there life, fucked around with someone for money or materialistic bullshit. Everyone does, but doesn't admit it. I admit it and so I'm an easy target to take out your disgust with yourself. Your the whore at the club looking to get fucked on Monday night, your the fag in the committed relationship that cheats nonstop and acts likes a happy family, your the pathetic loser that only gets off with teenage boys when your older than sin, your the troll cruising the bathroom at the gym in a g-string even when the steam room is out of order, your the sick fuck that only gets when he finds a new way of mutilating his huge gaping asshole, your all these things... and you know what? its fine, well as long as you can admit to it. I shouldn't need to be a scapegoat for your own sickness. I admit whats wrong with me. I know i have lead i pretty disgusting life, one that i am and forever will be ashamed of but... My weight is lifted.
Isn't it sick when the porn star has steadier footing on reality than you?
Fuck, it seems like reality doesn't even exist in the gay world. I barely go out these days, but somehow, when I'm suckered into it, i watch, and quietly judge....
And almost every time i sit there and wonder to myself, "how is it that, i am the odd man out, how am i the filthy pornstar?"
I watch as these queens basically simulating sex with guy after guy at the club and they call it dancing? Humping someone while you fem out to a Lady Gaga song is somehow less filthy and disgusting than anything i have ever done on video? Personally i don't fucking think so.
I'm not sure how i got here, but I'm standing outside the box now, looking in and completely not understanding what I'm seeing. Being gay has become so foregein to me, i don't understand it, and at this point , i really don't want to.
And seriously, i need to just work on me... years of letting thing spiral out of control and well, now is either the time to attempt fixing the misfortune of my reckless life, or just give up.
Its time to stop caring of what everyone thinks, its time to stop trying to understand gay men on a higher level than just sex. I mean i have been trained in the gay world of sex, and i understand it. Hence staying in porn as a director seems to be the right thing to do.
Granted i still am very opinionated, and personally I think that porn should never be something anyone should aspire to. But of course my opinion is typically over looked by most of these young kids who think somehow gay porn will make them famous. So fuck it, i think everyone needs to learn on there own.
It kinda reminds me of growing up, my mother did everything she could to not allow me to see the movie "Natural Born Killers". Which only made it more intriguing to me. Granted this was around the time the Menendez brothers killed their parents and I'm pretty sure my mom was afraid me and my brother would do the same since my house growing up was filled with guns. Anyways, long story short, Natural Born Killers is my favorite movie of all time. Which lead me to my point... It when you hold someone back from something, it will only fuel their desire to do it more. So I'm tired of preaching to kids about the consequences of porn. Fuck em they can find out on their own. In Fact now i can direct them on there way down...
PS. I find it kinda funny how people think this blog is some sort of fake soap opera. The comments said, i was "taking people for a ride" and readers are "being taken advantage of and don't even realize it". Even commenting in the paypal button, Yeah there is a paypal button but shit, I'm not begging for your money to read my bullshit... but if you feel like donating then shit, I've learned to never turn down free money. Porn isn't the cash cow all you people think it is. But for someone to comment I'm getting over on people seems so strange. I never meant for people to dislike me or the porn i do based on my internal monologue spewed out in this blog. God, i wish i could say it was all made up, but unfortantley, its not. So enjoy the ride, i hope it sucks for you as much as it does for me.
Either way, I'm back...