I've been wanting to write a blog for a couple days now, but i have had some much shit swimming through my head that i can't exactly focus myself.
My up's and downs have been extreme lately and have consisted of mainly, me screaming at my boyfriend since I'm having a hard time understanding him and then when I'm not looking to fight about something stupid, me wanting to cry about how worthless i feel and how much i don't feel loved by anyone. There hasn't been much in between lately, well, i take that back, the times i am somewhat content seems very short lived before I'm freaking out about the next thing. I keep telling myself to "just let the simple things go, normal people don't obsess like this and the ones that do are medicated", which has me looking to restart taking some sort of anti-depressant, anti- anxiety, shit maybe even some bi-polar medication. I'm just fed up feeling like this. I'm starting to think if i just make myself into a zombie and not care about anything, it will be alot easier than being so stressed out over bullshit.
But that is gonna be my last attempt, and if nothing changes, I'm gonna leave NYC and move my ass into the sun. I mean this city has been sucking the life out of me, for sometime, but it been manageable, now with this new relationship, its once again become unbearable. Then i still live in the same building with my ex' to have his tricks by-accidentally come knocking at my door looking for him and whatever sex party he is throwing, its like i have had enough. I'm tired of this drama filled city. Yeah i know its the same almost everywhere, faggots = drama, i understand that, but at least it will be like starting fresh. I can leave NYC and leave all my baggage and hopefully start new where people, yeah i guess will still see me a trashy porn star, but at least i can build a reputation fighting against the stereotypes. I lost the battle here in NYC, maybe it can be different somewhere else, maybe i can be happy.
funny thought...
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Bitter Again
So i apologize that my blog has taken a backseat to my relationship, but right now that's alot more important to me.
I have also begun to notice that the more i put out there the more these faggots will use against you and back stab you. Granted i have had alot more people approaching me lately about the blog and thanking me for putting it out there, telling me "thanks" for letting them know they're not alone, and trust me that makes it all worth it but then i get these leeches that use everything i say as an opportunity for there own selfish bullshit.
You know, its just not readers of this blog, i honestly believe it all faggots as a whole. Once you open yourself up to someone, thinking someone a friend, that when you find that they just are listening to you for there own selfish reasons. They don't care about you, they just care what they can get out of you.
I had been confiding in a friend or what i thought was a friend on a regular basis, about everything in my life including the troubles in my current relationship. I had even said that it was over between me and my current BF. Only to have this "friend" the same day, email what he thought was my ex a rude sexual comment. If this motherfucking friend knew anything about me and paid attention to anything i have ever say about any relationship i have ever been in, my relationships are never over when i think or maybe say they are, i might get pissed and think its what i want, but in reality i just need to cool down and then i just wanna be back with that guy. If this "friend" listened to me or this blog, he would know this, but like most fags just saw an opportunity for himself and went for it. It makes me sick.
This is New York City, there is more than enough faggots to hit on that you don't need to be stepping on my toes and throwing yourself at my bf or ex bf, if your my friend. Where is the fucking respect? I would NEVER touch one of my friends ex's and if i do, then i am defiantly not your friend.
Now and once again, I'm bitter. I don't have many friends and for exactly this reason. No one has respect for anyone in this community, and its disgusting. Its like, what is the point? As soon as your happy, everyone wants to destroy your happiness or leech off you. When your down, they just wanna kick you until your dirt. There is no in-between, there is no happy medium. Just one non-stop ugly cycle that gets worse and worse as you get older and older.
I'm just over the whole gay lifestyle... it goes nowhere. At least in the straight world, there is procreation and a point to go on. This gay world, it all about fucking and materialist bullshit, i would give it up in a heart beat if i could. This isn't life.
I was just thinking the other day as i did my typical routine, "jesus, this doesnt feel like living" and i thought to myself when in my life did i feel more alive? and it was when i woke up in hospital bed after OD'ing. I guess that why i been so obcessed with autoerotic asphyxia lately, when your life feels so meaningless at times, you need to wake yourself up and let you know your alive.
I have also begun to notice that the more i put out there the more these faggots will use against you and back stab you. Granted i have had alot more people approaching me lately about the blog and thanking me for putting it out there, telling me "thanks" for letting them know they're not alone, and trust me that makes it all worth it but then i get these leeches that use everything i say as an opportunity for there own selfish bullshit.
You know, its just not readers of this blog, i honestly believe it all faggots as a whole. Once you open yourself up to someone, thinking someone a friend, that when you find that they just are listening to you for there own selfish reasons. They don't care about you, they just care what they can get out of you.
I had been confiding in a friend or what i thought was a friend on a regular basis, about everything in my life including the troubles in my current relationship. I had even said that it was over between me and my current BF. Only to have this "friend" the same day, email what he thought was my ex a rude sexual comment. If this motherfucking friend knew anything about me and paid attention to anything i have ever say about any relationship i have ever been in, my relationships are never over when i think or maybe say they are, i might get pissed and think its what i want, but in reality i just need to cool down and then i just wanna be back with that guy. If this "friend" listened to me or this blog, he would know this, but like most fags just saw an opportunity for himself and went for it. It makes me sick.
This is New York City, there is more than enough faggots to hit on that you don't need to be stepping on my toes and throwing yourself at my bf or ex bf, if your my friend. Where is the fucking respect? I would NEVER touch one of my friends ex's and if i do, then i am defiantly not your friend.
Now and once again, I'm bitter. I don't have many friends and for exactly this reason. No one has respect for anyone in this community, and its disgusting. Its like, what is the point? As soon as your happy, everyone wants to destroy your happiness or leech off you. When your down, they just wanna kick you until your dirt. There is no in-between, there is no happy medium. Just one non-stop ugly cycle that gets worse and worse as you get older and older.
I'm just over the whole gay lifestyle... it goes nowhere. At least in the straight world, there is procreation and a point to go on. This gay world, it all about fucking and materialist bullshit, i would give it up in a heart beat if i could. This isn't life.
I was just thinking the other day as i did my typical routine, "jesus, this doesnt feel like living" and i thought to myself when in my life did i feel more alive? and it was when i woke up in hospital bed after OD'ing. I guess that why i been so obcessed with autoerotic asphyxia lately, when your life feels so meaningless at times, you need to wake yourself up and let you know your alive.
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