Sunday, December 6, 2009

Bamboo Puncturing The Skin. (Updated)

So i been avoiding posting anything on here. Keeping my mouth shut lately has been so much easier than dealing with my pain head on. I written a few things that haven't been posted and i'm pretty sure i never will. I think all the complaints about me playing the "poor me" roll have honestly sunken in. I find it funny that i can be embarrassed for being depressed. I have fought for people to pay attention, for people to listen... for people to see me beneath the surface and In reality, its only blown up in my face. No one cares and i have honestly have begun to ask myself, why should i?
I keep reading, "Hold on James"
Hold on to what?
I started taking this new "work out" drug which after using it briefly i started to see negative side effects which made me research it more. I found plenty of extremely negative feedback on the drug, the worst side effect being death... people using the drug dying in their sleep... Really? ... All i could think after reading that was "how perfect". What an easy out. Yeah, it might not be as dramatic as going out in a a shoot out with the cops like i always imagined but, i'm a pussy anyways. Even if i could get my hands on a gun, i'd most likely do nothing with it except imagine...
Its funny the day dreams i had the other day when i was almost arrested again...
i guess the funniest part was that i almost welcomed being locked up. I have fought it other times, this time, i just didnt care... i have seen the "white trash, roided out, bully" looks before... why fight it? ... Just accept it. God, just that change alone would be refreshing. I have basically fucked my life up doing my own thing, i guess it would seem only right if someone else had complete control of it now...
The only thought that rings through my head lately is ...You are destine to fail.
I have seen it on TV and asked myself, " i wonder how bad someones life has to be to get there...". Well this is it.
I have exhausted myself trying to keep everyone else best interests ahead of mine.
... i can't live like this anymore. I've spent the last 5 years of my life slowly dying and expected so much more from myself..... there is no hope left...

(sorry, to the people that get sick of my depressing rants, but i been holding it in for to long and i was going to explode. Trust me if i had someone in my life that i thought cared enough to hear what i felt, i wouldn't be throwing it all up here)

... oh well

I just spent the last 3 nights of my life in the ICU of the hospital. (for reasons beyond my control). I didnt know how to look at my situation... on one side i thought to myself "jesus, when they knock me out and i don't wake up, you know, i perfectly okay with that, i have lived enough, i have put my body through enough" and on the other hand... My family rushed to my side. My boyfriends sat their crying, waiting for my situation to stabilize, granted not one friend came... yet, i felt loved.
I always say no one understands me... i guess i don't even understand myself.
I'm out now... weak and really tired...
i wonder what will happen next...


musmus said...

Hey James, I've been reading your postings for a while and have said nothing until now. I'll be honest: looking from the outside, it was very easy to imagine life going good for you. By that, I mean you tick a lot of boxes that others would say are successful: a well paid job, good looks, the adoration and idolization of other guys. I've watched a few of your videos before. So to see two different sides; the confident erik rhodes on the one side, and a complete vulnerable James on the other, the math didn't add up. I've been through depression before; serious stuff where I came close to ending my life, but I will not patronize you and say I know how you feel, because I don't. Each situation is different for everybody.
Anyway, I'm not here to judge, just here to listen. Again I don't mean it in a patronizing way. I do know what its like to crawl through a day with very little expectation. Your life has thrown you curveballs that if thrown to me I would have thrown in the towel long ago. There are those who will hate, those who will be opportunistic, and those who just don't understand. I and a lot of other people on here are neither. Its up to you whether express how you feel or you don't. There will always be those who are just plain mean. But remember that there are some here who are content to just listen and travel the journey with you. No one is asking for perfection; or for you to have it all together. There are those of us here who, as you have spoken, have helped us understand you better. Not that we know it all. I'm in no hurry to give u advice because I've never truly been in your situation so what do I know.
From someone who understands, though very limited.

Dj Fagmaster said...

You seem to have a great music taste, at least that is something fun to concentrate on.
My life was all black 3 years ago. No it's ok, not like a fairytale. but I get to see quite a lot of smiles each day.

Dean Grey said...


I guess I should apologize to you then.

I was one of those people who said, "Hold on, James".

Depression has been a part of my life since I was a child and I know how those pep-talk words can ring hollow.

NEVER be embarrassed for being depressed or for expressing your feelings. Having a blog is about putting your thoughts down to share with others and you are doing just that! Isn't it better to express it and feel it than keep it bottled up, waiting to explode?

You are not as hopeless as you think!

If you had all of these disturbing thoughts and thought they were perfectly fine, I'd be worried. But you're aware that you've got problems and that things aren't the way they should be.

You can't change your life if you think nothing needs changing.

A lot of people care about you here. You may not realize it but we're out there in the blogosphere, reading what you have to say.

So keep on keepin' on, won't you?

Wishing you the very best!


mike said...

Hi james, After reading your last blog, I feel what you really need is friend to talk to,it seems as tho you are alone to much, i know it sound crazy but i really think you could use a friend who will really listen and help you threw this, we met in asbury park last summer we took a photo at paridise, you seem to have a certain sadness in your eyes, i could not understand why, but i know now, i have been reading your blog for awhile now, and you never seem to talk about anyone helping you (friend,family,etc). you seem to be lonley, really think what you need is a good friend who will spend time with you, and just listen!!. Are you still stayin in staten island? I live in jersey, and own a place in asbury park, maybe we can hang out and just talk. please feel free to reach out im here. stay well and take it a day at a time. Mike

Jake said...

Hey fella,

Maybe rather than 'holding on' it's time to let go? Let go of all the negativity and bullshit that is making your life so dark.

I hope you do find the peace you need. I think you're a great performer but if that isn't bringing you happiness perhaps it's time to try something else - go back to school, learn a trade? You're fit, young and goodlooking - don't waste your opportunities getting wasted.

edmcan said...

I've been wondering where you were; I see it hasn't been a good thing. *sigh*

No advice, no comments. Just sending some love, as corny as that sounds.

Amanda said...

Hiya James,

no matter how hollow or corny it sound, I really like you to know that somewhere there is person who care for you.

If it's okay for you to talk to some stranger you can contact me at

I wouldn't promise you help, but I'll definitely listen to you without judging.

Hope you find strength to keep going.

Mao Lei said...

hi James, find some friends, have a talk or dinner something, forget yesterday, enjoy everyday.

Swayback said...

Hi James, I am not a regular reader but someone pointed out your blog to me and I am very concerned about your mental state. You need to talk to a psychiatrist and possibly go on medication. If you don't know a psychiatrist, go to your primary care doctor and tell her/him about what is going on. You really need to do this.

Rnap22 said...

I'm sure you have friends that care. Find comfort in that. If not, then you need to meet new friends that will invest their time in you.

just that guy said...

Hey man,

It's your journal. It's your call what you publish or don't, but at least you wrote whatever you were feeling down. Isn't that the point? Sure it doesn't pop up when you open your blog, but it's there. If you want to let people see it that's your choice, but don't let the people who comment here get you down. They are obviously reading YOUR journal for a reason and leaving nasty remarks is apparently their way of dealing with things.
Anyways, I can see life is a bit rough for you right now, but even you said you have a good moment every now and then. I hope at the very least one comes your way soon.
Just one slight suggestion from a kid who has temporarily cut themselves off from the world (albeit for very different reasons), you may want to try reconnecting a little bit. It can get a bit scary staring at 4 walls listening to music and trying to drown out your own thoughts. Good luck with everything and stay safe.

Odd said...

Well . . . I don't know how to say this, really, but I kind of enjoy the depressing rants. I don't like that you're suffering, it's not that at all! But, I do find it refreshing from the other blogs that I follow. Most of them are about bullshit that isn't going to matter one year from now. Yours is meaningful, and I'm glad that you are choosing to face it head-on, as hard as it seems to be.

I don't know what to tell you to hold on to, so I'm not going to say it. I just hope that you find SOMETHING, someday.

Frank Abate said...


Dios te bendiga (God bless you). If y0ou want a new friend, a new kind of friend, send a note.


Jake said...

hey man, i randomly arrived to your blog, i don't know you but cheer up man! we only have one life, enjoy every second of it. when we die, it's pffttt! i don't think we would ever know what death is, but we can tell what life is. death is not the answer to one's problem or misery. get out of your shell. change your lifestyle, do some charity work or just go away far from those people that knows you. live a new life. and make it different and fantastic! it's cliche man but life is beautiful!

Astro said...

oh hey, u back. good.
but it seems u didnt get any better. yet. bad.
err.. yeah, i think ud feel much better if u could find a friend. maybe someone to be ur Yoda or ur Pei Mei. not an easy task i know, specially when we re dealing with low self esteem.. try anyway. u ll have the chance to see urself through their eyes. not saying u ll see the real u but its at least another perspective.
is there anything ud like to do and u not doing? OG, whats bothering u so much?! what would u like to be?!

christian said...

Hello James

I am a journalist for Harper's Bazaar Romania, my name is Chris, and I just want to let you know that you can do writing also for a living. Your way of telling things is fascinating and amazing and I think that you have showed everyone a real talent in writing on this blog. You should try writing for movies or getting together all your posts and realeasing your own book.

Just wanted to let you know that you are a classic storyteller in a modern world and I appreciate you for that.

Best Regards

Oscar said...

Smoke a blunt-but in good company. James/Erik/Dude it'll pass, with time you will find something if not it will come to you. Still if it hasn't, don't get desperate, you might consider your self a pusillanimous to pull a trigger, but why wait-2012 is just around the corner, we'll all get blown to hell...rofl All in good spirit right?
Just laugh it off, keep a high head(pun intended?) and do your own thing.

Man_Handle said...

Hi...I'm dealing with something very similar right now. Profound depression. I'm working hard everyday to not give up. I have not done anything but the concept...the concept of ending my life is ever present in my mind these days. I cannot say that I know what you are experiencing, what led up to it, etc. I can say what I would want someone to tell me. Do not give up. Do not stop expressing your feelings. Find someone you trust and tell them you need help. If you don't trust anyone around you, find a professional. It needn't be as intensive as a psychiatrist, it could be a hot line, or someone at a local gay center. It is not easy. Trust me. And if I see another one of those fucking Cymbalta commercials, I'm not going to take my own life, I'm going to kick in the TV. DO NOT GIVE UP. I'll try to do the same.

Barnabas said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Who are you?!!! said...

Hey, I think all these meaningless in life can be solved by asking whether you should consider a break from all that and to find out what your true purpose in life should be. Find meaning to your own life and get people who you can trust to talk about such issues that concerns the heart and not always the dick or the ass(you know what I mean). I am trying to come terms with establishing wholesome and not "hole-some" relationships and I hope that you too will achieve that.

Brian said...

oh James, I've known you for a long long time (not so much for the past 5 yrs or so) and I always thought you were smarter than you gave yourself credit for but in your endless search for love and acceptance you lost yourself along the way.

I really don't think you ever really knew yourself too much and then you became Erik Rhodes and a new person was created from the old one whom you didn't even know . The lines between the two became blurred with drugs/ depression/ sex addiction/ quasi fame but at least you're self aware enough to see it for what it is.

As always I wish you the best and I hope you can find your way through this latest cloud. Hell, at least you still have your b.f. and even though you're hard from your experiences, a kind soul still seems to shine through all that darkness.

I'm sure you wont but I think that if you volunteered once a week for a few hours with the homeless or maybe troubled youth you'd have more of a sense of accomplishment and also see that you truly are lucky in many ways.

Best wishes as always

BostonMguy said...

Someday soon, we will see each other again, and I'm hoping you'll think to yourself - been almost a year, and I know he's a good guy, and tried in his own way to look out for me.

I'm still here, whether you believe me or not. I still care, and I still want to help and if means moving heaven and earth to get tickets to Tyra Banks for you to show you how sorry I am, will then so be it.

Michele said...

I think it’s brave to share your feelings with people you don’t know, I don’t have answers or advice to give. I want to tell you my story hoping it could help, last year I lost a very important person, suddenly I felt like all my life was gone, in that period I don’t care for anything or anyone, then I decided to go on a journey, because I couldn’t stand this, I thought maybe change is good… being alone, away from my usual life, friends, work gave me time to think about myself, about what I did in the past and about what I really want from my future, and made me realize that life is too short and I have to do what I fell right, what I fell good for me, without caring too much about other’s judgment. I have this hole full of sorrow in my chest that reminds me to care more about myself, I know it’s not easy, but I’m changing my life and it’s working!
Sorry for my English.

N Light said...

Dear James,
ok this is the first time i came to your blog and after only reading the first entry, i decided to write here....
James ive dealt with depression all my life... i was depressed myself for 29 years... now im a therapist who helps others....

I'll tell you this, you can go it alone and try make sense of all you're experiencing, or you could take the easier route and see a therapist... it'll help clear the air, you might need meds, you might need to change some things in your life (your thinking included) but i beleive it's EVERY person's right to work towards happiness, you included...

oh and one more thing james: any thought, any person who tells use we're not good enough is WRONG.

be happy and safe...

concerned therapist

theodd17 said...

erik, im 17 n ive nevr look up 2 ne1 as i look up 2 u. n i kno ur havn it hard. but please hang on, u r a shining beacon 4 those of us who need a lite. n remember u hav 2 liv 4 urself 1st b4 u liv 4 others. dat is wat i hav learned. erik please stay cool n awsome

Ann said...

I've never posted on a blog before, but I couldn't help myself--it kills me to see someone who brings me so much pleasure suffering so much. People who criticize you for being depressed have no experience with what you're going through; please don't listen to them. It seems to me like you have every right to feel the way you do. The way I see things, you are an extremely courageous person. You must have to endure a lot of judgment and abuse for both being a porn star and being gay, yet you open yourself up for all to see. Your fans watch you from the anonymity and safety of their homes while you are risking yourself to perform a valuable social service…helping people fulfill their sexual fantasies.

I’m probably not your typical fan—a middle-aged straight woman. But I felt your pain so keenly because I went through many decades of depression and drug addiction myself, even spending some time being a dope whore. I had to smile when I read in your previous post: if you can imagine the biggest scumbag you have encountered in your life, and put my face on his... that is basically the life i have led—I’ve been there too! I want to tell you though that this all changed for me. I was aggressive in getting help from therapists and I got clean through endless 12-step meetings and sponsors. It takes a lot of work, but it is so worth it. The power, strength and happiness I feel now is amazing. Please, please do not kill yourself with drugs that will only help you look good for the pleasure of strangers (they’ll also destroy your erections in the long run). You’ll only cheat yourself out of the chance to experience the good things in life. If you ever need someone to chat with who doesn’t want anything from you except to help you not be depressed, post back and I’ll send you my e-mail. I’m also a bay area local, and will be happy to go with you to any meeting you want for emotional support. Remember--no job is worth dying for.

Unfortunately I can't attend your
Falcon live show tonight, so I'm donating the money to your website. Break a leg!

Nick said...

Heya "Erik" / James,
I've sent you message via RJ, if you're interested in talking/messaging.

Take care of yourself,

Raaid said...

james, i don't know you and i guess it makes it easier for me to give advice, but whatever you are going through there is always a sunny side up, i am truly aware of how naive that sounds and how it is to find that sunny side but it is therapy. i know you are trying to keep your head above water and it feels like you are failing and that is ok sometimes our problems are too big to handle on our own. i think you should perhaps think about seeing someone and medication. you may not see it but i am sure to your friends you are better then you see yourself and deserve to keep living.

clarus65 said...

I stopped by your blog after seeing your latest entry mentioned on another blog. I'm glad to see that the comments on here are supportive and caring (unlike the ones on that other blog left by a series of ignorant excuses for human beings).

As with others here, I am a fellow sufferer of chronic depression. I'm fortunate to have found medication that has helped quite a bit, but I think life and experience have helped as well.

I wish I could say that all will be well soon. I've dealt with depression since my early teens (maybe even earlier) but went through my mid-20's through early 30's in pretty much of a depressive haze, feeling very much like I didn't know how I would be able to keep on living like that. Things got beter by my mid-30's and now heading into my mid-40's, I've been on an even keel.

I hate that you put yourself down over what you've done professionally. It's an unconventional choice but it doesn't make you in any way less of a worthwhile person than anyone else that is walking the planet. In other areas, you've made some mistakes in choices, but we all have and will continue to do so.

Please forgive this bit of encouragement, but I was walking my dog the other night, and it was one of those times, I was having trouble moving him along. He kept wanting to stop and look behind him and I found myself thinking, "you know we're not going to be able to get very far in moving ahead if we keep looking back." At that moment I realized I had come upon a thought that was about much more than trying to get my dog to head back home. I too can be someone who dwells on the past and what would or could have been. In that moment I realized that I need to do better about letting go of the past mistakes, forgiving myself and moving forward.

I hope that you are able to find peace in this life. I will certainly be saying a prayer that that will be the case.

Derek said...

I've never posted on your blog but I do read it. I think the guy Brian made some good points.

Maybe it's time to leave "Erik Rhodes" behind. Maybe momentarily...maybe forever. If your life is at an extreme low, it may take extreme measures to transform it.

Why not relocate to a new environment and start over as just James. A place where hardly anyone would know who "Erik Rhodes" was. Maybe that would give you a chance to find happiness within you, embrace the things you love about yourself, and improve or stop beating yourself up about the things you don't particularly like.

Anyways, I hope for you that one day the good days seem to outweigh the bad, and you find strength to live life.

Cade said...

I completely agree with Swayback, you need either a psychologist or a psychiatrist, and medication. Writing on a blog is not going to help you get better. Never feel embarrassed or ashamed for not coping with life. My mother died of a heroin overdose when I was 5, when she was my present age (34) and I wish she had it easier like we do, there is not such a social stigma around depression these days. You do really need to seek therapy and medication, your depression may not actually be something you can control.

Robbie said...

love u xxx

kid said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
kid said...

hey. ive been going through the same shit dude. just it seems that shits getting worse instead of better. no matter how better the circumstances shit just keeps popping up and making it more difficult to not just swallow one too many pills or just 'accidently' slip into the way of an oncoming car. idk dude. as ruthless and selfish as it sounds, id like to see what it'd be like on the other side. tempted to see if shit is greener on the other side. if there is after life and shit. in a weird fucked up way, its kind of comforting that im not the only person whos sick of this shitty thing people call a life.. but hey, if you ever want to talk, you could always email me dude. itd be a comfort to talk to someone else who doesnt look at you like you grew a second head when talking about stuff like your a fucking freak...

email if you ever feel like it dude

tibuRYX said...

Edgar said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
tibuRYX said...


Regarding the life you write about on here. Don't sweat it. Six billion people on the earth are following the same techniques everyday-they cry, they laugh about their pain, torture (sic) or whatever the fuck the do; Just to try to get some attention. I want to let you know that you might think you're alone but some or all have experienced what you go through emotionally in your head. I happened to think that I was shitty at times trying to be a perfect guy. Its funny that with someone, who believes in god, they seem to think they got it perfectly as to someone who was born sick and dying there thinking God must be laughing at the joke he put on them. Whatever! I say finish the punchline and just laugh too.

Take the journey, guy. You got the balls to shape yourself into something less than EMO. I use to think that I was fucked up too, but I saw that most of people were fucked up than me.

I just want to say, you should write two blogs. Don't let go of this one. Just write another secret blog regarding James who lives an extraordinary fucking life as a guy with a great cock and a rocking boyfriend.

Then if you get bad days: Take it out on this blog-Underneath it All. Serves the blogs purpose don't you think? Critisism, be damned! Take it out on the next fucker(s) who start on you.

Leave as it is. Just write about james on your secret side for your friends to know about. And leave the Shitty side to your fans so they can understand why in Show Business-Shit Shoveling beats out the ring master.

Darío said...

It´s good to hear about you again. You´re strong enough to find your way. We are all waiting for that big surprise that is your hapinness. Don´t give up!

CDB said...

Hey James,
I have a song that I want to share with you.
What email address can I send it to?
email me at

rayinLA said...

I would have to agree with Edgar's comment. You need to go somewhere by yourself,rest,sleep,scream your lungs out if you have to.Used to work in the adult film industry myself,(straight porn,behind the scenes), not that it matters.But your'e right it's a crazy business,I finally got out after about six years.It desensitized me and made me very cynical and paranoid. Trust'll know when it's time to stop. So...good luck to you my friend.


Michael said...

Erik, we all go through down and depressing times. It's part of life. I agree with what someone else on here wrote: you need, perhaps more than anything, a good friend to lean on, who will listen and not judge. Like many of us you judge yourself too harshly. Find a friend, they are out there.

J.B. Agony said...

I'm not trying to sound condescending, so i apologize in advance.

do you want to get better dude?
i have to you honestly want to get better?

cerres said...

What has changed that brings on this dark cloud?
Who in your past that you have had a good relationship with, did you turn to when totally depressed?
Is the answer to give up porn?
You mentioned that old boy friends showed up when in ICU. That says to me that you were valued by them. Are you discounting people? Are you pushing people away?

Randsome7 said...

Its like that MUENCHHAUSEN SYNDROME where the patient invents illness after illlness - and enjoys being sick and getting the center of pity attenion of being ill - so enjoy it you have perfected it

why said...

That puts a damper on things but it is right.

Astro said...

hey, how r u? how r u feeling?
maybe its time for an intervention...

Darío said...

It really is time to conduct a deep intervention. The stay in the ICU of a Hospital, even if only for reasons beyond your control, is a marker of severity to any condition or situation. James, it's time to stop and think where you´re going. Never it is too late to fix any situation. You have the power. You have the love of your family and your boyfriend. You have the support of your friends. Many people feel that you are able to find the right path in the darkness of your life. Trust yourself. YOU´LL DO IT.

tibuRYX said...

Erik, Feel better soon!

All my love and good intentions are headed your way.

Just remove all the distractions in your way. Take everything that you had in your head and throw it away. Then sit quietly and breathe for one moment.

Relax for as long as you can get your strength back. Then when you're ready, get up. Take one step, doesn't have to be significant or anything like that. Just take that Fucking step! Then another, and another...Don't look back! Just walk away. Let the bad stink up the place you were in. Walk away.

Get better soon! Lots of Love

StevieA said...

I want to be the one to listen to your problems! I can if u'll let me


Mladen said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
edmcan said...

UPDATED - you WONDER what will happen next? You'll die James, that's what will happen next. JESUS- 3 days in ICU for reasons beyond your control? Like what?

You're 27 years old and you think you've lived enough? It's okay? I have a very good friend who is 86, in excellent health and mind and looks forward to the adventure each new day brings. She eats life by the plateful and only worries that she won't live long enough to experience all she wants to. Would you like me to put you in touch with her and you can explain to her why you think you've lived enough? Better yet, make me understand it.

Your family and boyfriend were there crying and you finally feel loved? No friends came. James, who cares about these people you assume are friends? Obviously, they aren't-get over it, move on and know that real people care. Take a brick and hit yourself over your head and move on.

Can you tell that this little update has really pissed me off? Come on James....

edmcan said...

ps. My 86 year old friend is a cancer survivor too. FYI

jq2002 said...

james, I was not writing any comment to your last entry,because I felt like you really did not care for an old man's offer of friendship. But I read the update to your last entry and decided to try again.
No comments on your behavior, no advices either. They would not be welcome nor appropriate.
Just believe that I just care for you, james, even if I will never be able to meet you in person and that I wish you get well soon.
3 days in the ICU is not a joke, but at least it made you realise that those who really count, Your Family and boyfriend, CARE for you.
so BEST WISHES andhave a MERRY CHRISTMAS and Ney Year, kiddo.
Since I do not have any email address where to contact you, This will have to be also my holyday card.
I am 68 now, quite alone but still thinking that Life is a many splendored thing, you should too for the next 41 years at least.
XXX Bruno

Adam Sank said...

Oh, for God's sake, James. You've known for a long time how you can clean up this mess and get yourself well. Your readers (and, I'm sure, the people in your personal life) tell you over and over again:

Stop with the drugs.
Stop with the sex.
Stop with the body obsession.
See a therapist.
Go to meetings.
etc. etc. and so forth.

It couldn't be more simple. You can do these things and get better, or you can not do these things and either stay the same or get worse.

At the end of the day, you just don't want to do the work.

And that's why you frustrate the hell out of everyone.

messiasx said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
elver said...

Sometimes I wander why people do stupid thing when they have it all.

Christopher Perez said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Amanda said...

Read your updated post, hope you're okay now physically.

You're loved, that's not just some imaginary feeling.

Hope you get well soon.

Erik Rhodes said...

Have it all?
Fuck man, i wish you knew what it was really i really live... maybe you people would stop picturing the world of porn as some amazing, untouchable place. NO ONE LIVES LIKE JENNA JAMESON. Yeah i'm sure, going in, we all think thats how things are gonna turn out... but sadly, reality hits you like a ton a bricks and you realize that if you really work out the numbers... your making minimum wage at the expense of your soul.

Edman thanks always for the concern, but after my 6 blood transfusions, i'm back to my old self. I guess its just this time of year... it hates me, just like i hate it.

MJJM said...

edmcam : I find it hard to feel sorry for this James guy. He's only in his 20's ! He can change whatever he wants to. He should have real problems. (And don't everyone go shouting at me "You don't understand depression and psych problems..blah..blah.." : there are people out there in far worse situations that him, dealing with illness, poverty, loss of limbs.. who have psych problems on top of all that and just continue the struggle).

edmcan said...

6 blood transfusions? What the hell happened? I'm glad you know I care, James.

Christmas isn't the greatest time of year for a lot of people. Make it the kind of Christmas you want, not what others want. Get back on your feet and don't do anything stupid, okay?

Oscar said...

YOU ARE RIGHT Erik! No one has the Jenna Jameson life in the world of porn. Those porn celebrity hopefuls that think going into the job would be a ticket to a glam filled life with fame don't and wont always get it. At the beginning it seems oh so wonderful, you look at your pay and you're thinking: 'I love it-the job the pay the men, the people I surround myself it's so good, a great time'. Yet after a while it all settles in, the fix is gone, these new feelings settle in and you go through extreme mediums to try to achieve the fix you once had, but you realize you can' get's hard and nothing feels right, you get the sense of instability. Then a time of reminiscence comes, you think back and you feel regrets, you feel the desire to find comfort, to find that one person to tell you it will all be alright. You foolishly trust others whom you consider close, but nothing. One day the unthinkable slowly starts to become a reality, you want to end it all, you know life has no reset button, you wish to stop it, but you're afraid, and your are rightfully so to be afraid, for deep down inside maybe there is the hope that things will get better. You wish to start from scratch, but you should build up on those experiences, build up to become better, to succumb and take on the mind demons that trouble you. Believe me it is possible, even though you might feel you failed yourself, you shouldn't give up. If you fail yourself what hope is there for others to succeed for you; NONE. Don't give up, you've heard it before, but really 'DON'T GIVE UP'; the night is always darker before the dawn. One more thing, don't let the people that look down upon you get to you. They might judge you for your job, but you're not forcing them to view your work, they don't feed you, they don't pay your rent, they just want to catch you when you're vulnerable, make you feel comfortable and screw you so they can trash you in every way possible. Ignore it, be above it for in reality they are the true pathetic low lives. On a lighter note I would like to wish you an enjoyable holiday, if you can, have a Ferrero Rocher if it's not the men getting to your thighs this holiday, the chocolate will. :-)

natodod said...

I feel for you bro, I have been there before. I took some of the stuff you have taken to get bigger.
I know your in the lime light and in the industry and people look at you for what you do. And not sure if you still do escorting and all still. And I know its hard. I also know that you might have friends that you look to that might not be there for you. But maybe it's time to find some new friends. Sometime's the people you associate
yourself with affect yourself esteem as well. I don't want to past judgement on you at all cause you need someone to listen to you.
I also think its really sad that the doctor you saw didn't listen to you. That is what he is paid and his profession he is in. They go to school for that stuff. Some of those people just don't give damn about who or what patients they see. If when your ready to seek help you will know. It's sad sometimes to read your blog's I know your reaching out for help at times and want people to listen to you. Heck I get to new york all the time if you ever need a friend
I would do coffee with you just hit me up...I know you have a wonderful man in your life and he really cares for you and that is the main thing you should be happy about. A healthy relationship no matter what can lead to something wonderful. When you do things toxic
it can ruin it. But it is great he is there for you and he shows his emotions for you. There are some guys who don't do that at all. I hope and wish you all the best James...A friend from Hawaii...

CowGoesMoo2u said...

You are the sorriest loser of a porn star. Now don't get me wrong, I don't think you're the only one on drugs and steroids to keep your body as good as it looks but really? Suicide? Days, months, years earning money to live, eat, sleep, breathe all just so you can go and off yourself? They say suicide is selfish, and that is an egregious understatement in your situation. You are lucky to be loved, other people have less and end up in worse places than you. Stop acting like a spoiled brat and appreciate the people around you and yourself. Stop quipping about how nobody cares, because nobody on here has anything to do with your life. The fact that you read every comment, and moderate your own blog (yes, everyone knows you've deleted comments) is ridiculous. Blasting people for blind sighted compassion is ridiculous. We're humans and some of us honestly give a shit if somebody dies. Grow a fucking pair man. Seriously. If you respect yourself less than you respect everyone else, I'd be sorry to be you too.

ToadyTerry said...

I try not to give advice because normally I dont care about much. I will say this though Holiday seasons fucking blow but you have stated in the past how you and some of your family are close.(I thought you said your brother but what the fuck do I know) Just fuck the rest of the world and enjoy the time you have with your brother and people you do like. I dont like myself worth a damn half the time but I dig my friends. When ever I am over me, I call on them. They are a good distraction for my self induced bullshit. Oh well if anything sit back and try to laugh at all the assholes shopping at the last minute(ill be there) Nothing says the holidays better then your middle finger! I know this blog was not about holidays but I figure they are coming up so I am sure they dont help. Word Up

Michael said...

Erik, friends are there if you want them.

Lior said...

Do some fucking push-ups or something. Exercise releases endorphins. Maybe if you substitute exercise for juicing you'd be happier. :) And if you want someone to control your life, join the Army. It's fun.

jason said...

First of all, if any of you are wondering why james is obessed with drugs, sex, and etc. And wont stop because he is probaly addicted. So james if your reading go to rehab if it is as bad as it sounds. Also, james stop complaing about the porn world and do something about it. Go be a personal trainer or somthing.

Ps. If somebody else said this, sorry i dont read all the stupid, pathetic comments.

Eric Hess said...


You can find all the friends yyou need at an NA meeting. Party Drugs and workout drugs are sending you on an emotional roller coaster. Take some action and you'll never regreat it.

Psychoanalyst said...

Dear James, the only way out of a major depression is to accept professional help. I am a psychoanalyst, working at Sigmund Freud University in Vienna. I offer you three to five weeks of intensive analytic psychotherapy, twice a day, six days each week, in english, free of costs - plus free housing for you and a friend in a private appartement of a friend. You just have to come up for the costs of transportation and food. Hope to hear from you, regards Christian Michelides

Psychoanalyst said...

Dear James, the only secure way out of a major depression is to accept professional help. I am a psychoanalyst, living in Vienna (Austria) and working at Sigmund Freud University. I hereby offer you three to five weeks of intensive analytic psychotherapy, twice a day, six times each week, free of charge. Plus free housing for you and a friend at a friends apartment. You just have to take care for food and transportation.
Hope to hear from you and wish you the best, regards Christian Michelides

BoomBoom said...

So what happened that landed you in the hospital and necessitated 6 blood transfusions?

Edgar said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
J.C. Clarke said...

just keep writing this'll get it out soon enough

Stuart said...

Hey James/Erik..

I wouldn't normally approach someone to who i had not had communication with before but coming across your blog today, i was overwhelmed by the sadness and outcry for help that comes across to the reader. One can only begin to imagine what you are going through but only you really know how it feels.

Life is a roller-coaster. It has its fantastic highs, but as with all things, it has its dark lows as well. It can be an enormous pressure to go through these without allowing the people who really care about you, to help you - your family and your partner. There is no shame in letting them.

As for your friends - i can empathise with how transient and unsupportive they can be when you need them the most if you are looking for support from the wrong people. Look for that support from your family and partner, and in time, you with find friends that can offer the support that you need.

Never be embarrassed about being depressed. Although depression can make you feel alone, Just remember that 16% of Americans will have it during their lifetime. Guys tend to shy away from combating it and seeking help, so it really does show that you have a strong enough character to get through this by being self aware of it.

I really do wish you the best of luck. No matter how dark things seem, there is always something to live for and the impact you have, and will continue to have on the people around you is worth sticking around for.

Thoughts with you mate.

Stuart M

cu-cu said...

hi erik i am a huge fan and i think you should look for God and go to a church thats what you need.

love you, bye

Marcel Duvoix said...


Please keep hopeful my dear, and never give up hope for a brighter more manageable life in the future. You're never to feel guilty for expressing your depression or feelings of deep anguish. I'm here if you need me, or need to talk. All the best. HRM King Marcel Duvoix. (Author of the book: "Holy Legacy.")

cerres said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
cerres said...


What have you done with the advice that concerned individuals have left you in this blog?
Are you looking for someone to offer the key to enlightenment? Sorry, that can only come from you once you decide to act.
From your last comment offered, it does sound as though you are in a better space AT THIS TIME.
However, WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH THAT? Continue on with your same self-destructive behavior tha or ARE YOU GOING TO CARVE OUT A NEW PATH?
The decision is YOURS and yours alone. No one can do that for you if YOU ARE SERIOUS ABOUT LIVING.

[original message deleted & re-edited]

Rnap22 said...

Hope you are doing well and hopefully you realized from your stay in the ICU that people DO care and love you man.

guillermo said...

i know how hard is to hold on when you feel you have no reason to live, i know it so well...
every morning when i wake up i have to fight with myself to get upo and live one more day, i feel alone, completely alone, with no friends, no family, no boyfriend...
my family can't stand i am gay, i am from peru, i live all my life in the countryside, and still in this times, be gay is a sin and a ashamed for the family... my friends have accepted me, some of them, no everybody, but i can't talk with them about my stuff, because that is "fag's stuff", it's like to be alone in the middle of the people.
i can't avoid to feel that i will die just alone in a lonely house, not home, it sucks.
i know how you feel, james; maybe not at 100% but i got a closed idea. i just can tell you, that you at least have a bf, you at least have money...
please, don't use drugs, that make thoughts worse, pain won't go away if you stop using them, but i will be a little less "hellie".
as erik, i am a big fan of you; i can't deny it, but as james, i would like to know you better, maybe you are tired to hear it, we can talk if you want, just to get some fuacking things out of our chests. take care buddie.
believe it or not, life sometimes has good moments, you just have to try to remember those, get obssesed with them, sometimes that's the way i survive.

Shawn said...

I was like you. I’ve constantly felt depressed and like I had no worth. Nothing in this world mattered because I didn’t exist. I wanted it to end and to that goal, I’ve attempted suicide several times. My hobbies included imaging different ways of dying, (My favorite was a car bomb! Quick and never saw it coming) My struggle comes from me being gay & Christian. My religious values in constant conflict with my hearts desire to be loved. I sought out what the world considers to be our kind, The homosexual community but was turned away because my issue was in their words were, “Too depressing to listen to.” I had no one to listen to me, therapy was a joke and I was afraid I would lose my few remaining friends if I told them. This left me alone, in a bottomless pit of despair and emptiness to which there seemed no escape.

I wanted to be loved, I wanted to have friends who I knew loved me for who I was and valued me as a person and most importantly, for God to love me. But overtime I grew so jaded, feeling so fearful and feeling unworthy of love that when the few friends presented themselves I scorned them. That all changed, In 2003 I was at work driving movies to local theatres. An ice storm hit and I lost control of my van. It took only a fraction of a second for me to know I was soon going to die, so I lifted my hands from the wheel folded them across my chest and said aloud, “Alright God, It’s up to you!” In that moment, a feeling unlike anything I’d ever known hit me. Everything was going to be alright, God does love me. The van continued to spin and eventually hit dry ground then rolled onto the passenger side into a ditch. I wasn’t wearing a seatbelt and was thrown from my seat in to the bulk-head. I laid there for a moment and then got up with no injuries, not even a scratch. This was a turning point for me. But the rest started with a choice, the choice to find value in myself and to love myself. I won’t lie, it’s still a struggle for me everyday. But no matter what anyone tells you, no matter how alone you feel in the night, always know, You do matter, You are loved, and most importantly you are unique. And know that even thought I may not meet you face to face, I value you and love you very much.

Darío said...

Chilling experience yours, Shawn. I hope Erik does not have to see death so close to know he can find his way in the dark, or ICU experience has enabled him to find himself.

Hold on, Erik!

john said...

I am a straight dude in awe! I saw your pic on a roommates computer thinking you were just a fitness model. Then I googled you and found out more. Anyways, great body, looks like you know how to cycle right! Best of luck, just keep on keepin on!

Adriano said...

it's been a while since the last time i read something here. it's funny how we manage to accept only the image we see on pictures or movies... i guess it's as hard to write these words as easy to us write you back "hold-on"'s or "you-should-do-this-or-that"'s... it's stupid enought to think they are for all of us who read them, since they're all for you. so it's up to you to make them mean something, not us... so help yourself: the word are here for it! 'cause in the end we're all flesh and bones no matter how rich, adored or handson or any other shallow adjective i could think about. all i can say is thanks to let me know you a little bit deeper...
all the best!

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H said...


I came across this blog a couple of weeks ago and after reading it what can I say?

You have a lot going on, it is tough. I have been through a bunch of tough situations on my life and got through to a way better place. I am sure you will too - I don't know you, we have never met as far as I know, but just reading what you have vented and expressed here I know that you are tougher than you probably believe.

Hold on in there, break your situation down into pieces and work out what you can ignore, what you can work out how to fix, and what you'll leave for later.

You wrote nearly a year ago about going to a trashy bar and being judged for what you have done in your life and career. If you care about what some ignorant queen thinks about you without having walked in your shoes, without having been in your life at the time when you made those choices then you should deal with it. Learn to ignore it, if they didn't judge you for your career they'd probably pick on your hair, or shoes, or the brand of beer you chose. Value the people who care about you - your family, your mom who gave birth to you, your brother who is your blood.

Even if you look in the mirror right after reading this and think "I'm just not tough enough" you are - even as a stranger I know that - you have been handling it until now, theres my proof - take a moment to clear the trash from your life, focus on whats honest and true and chip away at your pain until you see the light at the end of the tunnel - then keep going.

I am gonna shut the hell up cause I sound like I am about to go hug a tree, but if you want I'd like to share some of my experiences and how I overcame the challenges they threw in front of me to come out better and stronger. Its not the kind of stuff I wanna post on the net but I'd be more than happy to chat by email. ( )

I hope if you're still reading this you'd like to email - I might not have your answers but I hope I'd help at least some. I figure you might have a few questions about me though so ....

Whats my motivation? Lets call it balancing my karma after a couple of good people have reached their hands out to me when I was in a bad place.
What do I want back? When, and I don't mean if, you get somewhere better in your life pay it forward. When you see someone who could use a hand reach out.
Who am I? Just a regular guy with a British accent and a Canadian passport, a white collar guy with a dog and a liking for old cars - yup I am gay, but its not who I am.

mbkid89 said...

hey, merry christmas dude.

um.. i was wondering, idk, if maybe we could talk? no i'm not asking so we could hook up or any of that superficial shit. it's just, i'm kinda trying to deal with some shit thats kinda similar, and i was hoping maybe we could help each other out? i don't really think i could talk to anyone about shit without being labeled or judged, and i don't think, or hope, you wouldn't judge me. like you'd be someone i could actually confide in without you freaking out on me like everyone else i've tried talking to. idk, if you read this crap, my email ( idk, just thought out of everything you've been through, maybe you'd be able to help me through it, like advice or something. you probably have better things to fill your time huh? fuck, im stalling... k.. uh, bye..

vincent said...

Hi James, I'm from Algeria; North Africa, and I'm really a huge fan of u; the previous year I've been in an English training program funded by the US government,and I visited NewYork city,and honestely I was hoping meeting u somewhere just to take a picture with u;well I know that is crazy, but this is the way I feel it toward u honey, though I'm decsending from an Arabo-muslim country, which is totally forbid these stuff, but I admit that, and I confess in front of u that I'm "insanely in love with u dude", and believe me if I travel to the USA for another time I'll look for u everywhere evenif u reject me or refuse me I wont give up, because u really out there, and know I'm really upset about what happen to u, I wish I'm next to u sopporting u and giving u hope and optimism to move forward and do the right things, because u have great potentials and personal abilities to be u, I noticed that from ur writing, really u did great step by writing almost what u feel inside, so believe me what u need is just to have a good rest, forget about everything else, and do the right things that present u as the confident Erik Rhodes, and don't care about what others say or comment about u. You r fabulous honey whether interms of perfrmance, or as a person; so just move forward and be u. sorry about the language. Peace and Love

n24rc said...

were you molested or something?

Billy Brown said...

Hi James,

First off, I'm glad to hear you're still alive. And I'm sorry to hear you're still not happy with your life.

I know it must be hard to find the desire to live when your life is not what you wanted or expected it would be. But you really need to make the decision that if you're not going to kill yourself, then you are going to start living your life with a true desire to live and to find some good in it.

Anyways, I'm not going to preach. I'll just send you some good vibes on this Christmas eve, and I hope 2010 brings good things to you.

Merry Christmas.

Darío said...

Merry Christmas.

maria said...

James, we don't know each other but, i know that you have to work hard to live a good gotta remember man, you live until you die, not die until you live.
Merry Christmas:)

Marcio said...

I've been there. You can get out of it. With medication and therapy.
It's hard to see that now. But there's a way out.

Frank Abate said...


Just came by to wish a Merry Christmas and a Happy 2010....I hope you find what you are looking for man. You deserve it.

shaun said...

hey James
Thankyou for the introduction to some fantastic music! i'm especially loving puscifer and the florence & the machine remix.

social acceptance of porn has changed dramatically in the past ten years, along the internet, it seems every other person is an amature pornstar.

You are being way to harsh on yourself, i far more respect for those who get payed for sex rather than those who pay.

You must learn to respect and love yourself, then will attract someone worthy.


Astro said...

hey, how r u? did u get what u asked for santa?

hope ure feeling well.
A said...
This comment has been removed by the author. said...

I'm old enough to be your father (damnit!), so believe me when I tell you it is a lot easier to build walls than to reach over them; it's harder to ask for help than to accept it. (And why is that? Why are we willing to cut everyone else some slack when they need it, but we can't give ourselves any?)

Self-awareness is only the first step, and you seem to be pretty self-aware. Know, too, that you can't do this on your own and DON'T BE AFRAID TO ASK FOR HELP. Like so many others on here, I'm reaching out to let you know you have a non-judgmental ear here if you ever need to bend it.

I wish you the best of luck in the new year. Be gentle with yourself. Peace.


El Brucio said...

Hi James.

I've dealt with depression most of my adult life, so I can understand your general situation, though not your specific one. I can only imagine the pressure you must be under with your current employment in porn.

I'm sure you've thought of getting out of it. So why not start making plans while you're still young? I was laid off recently and ended up going to a career counseling service and I was actually quite surprised at how helpful it was in giving me a clearer view of jobs that I was not only suited for, but would make me happier in the long run.

We both know depression has it's good days and bad days. So on a good day, go out and find a career counselor - lots of social agencies offer them for free. I know you are still dealing with a two-steps forward, one step backwards situation, but please persevere.

It's never too late to make positive choices in your life.

Kyle said...

Hey man,
I've been reading your posts for close to a year now and despite the fact that you don't seem to like yourself all the time, you sound like a pretty legit guy, you just need to realize it for yourself, and then find people to hangout with that feel the same way. I can't claim to relate too much to what you are feeling on a daily basis as I have only delt with depression as a bystander (I have a few friends who have/are dealling with it), but I know when I am feeling like shit (which happens from time to time) I am big on depending on the people that I have in my life to pick me up.
Anyhow, i say all of that to say this. Meet some new people this year. While there are tons of shitty people in the world, there are also quite a few legit ones out there. And if you are hurting for new people, hit me up. I would totes take you to starbucks some day.

Best of Luck Man,

mickeylimon said...

give yourself a break sweety, take a vaca....

erwrsdsdg said...

I don't know what it is but coming across this blog really made me start to think, I know I don't know you in real life and I most likely will never see you, but it doesn't change the fact that I come to this blog 10x a day and re-read almost every post. I know everyone goes through something and you aren't the only one but it seems that you have no one who can catch you when you fall. I may not be able to completely understand your life and your feelings but reading this and knowing you almost died really makes me upset. And reading your past post makes me think "Who cares if he is in porn" Everyone has a job but we don't judge each other on our income and where we work we judge each other and personality and the ability portray our selves in society. I think your a fantastic man, not because I'm a fan because I honestly don't think I ever seen you in a porno, heh but because I am a reader of your blog and someone who can sense that your going through alot and day in and day out I constantly am thinking if he is ok and if he is ever going to find that someone who can be his support. But until then I hope my comment can be that temp support and many of your fans and readers can be your support. Remember jobs are just jobs your personality is what counts. And don't think just because people are to insecure to hang out with you are aren't worth anything because I'm 18 California Young Adult and you really opened my eyes to what the real world and the suffering of someone can cause. And because of this I thank you and appreciate you for who you are.

Hope you get better and I will keep hoping to one day see that post in your blog "Im living a wonderful life"

Your newest reader,


seven said...

Hey James,
Hope you are 'better'. Don't know what you did on 3rd, but if its what I think then, the word better must be within quotes. April 29th 2007 was my day and I wont ever forget the emptiness I felt when I was in the ICU. But I was lucky, things only got better after that. Hopefully you will have the right people in your life to do that. Take care.

Amanda said...


hope you're better now. Wish you Happy New Year and all the best.

erwrsdsdg said...

Hey James, it's me Rj again just coming on here to give you some reader love.

Last night I had a dream and it was me checking your blog and you had a new post up and it said "Well thank you all the readers of this blog and I'm doing fine now" well that's just a summary of it. And well I checked this morning and it was just a dream but I'm hoping this dream comes true and you do get better because remember I'm grateful for you and anyone who knows you might be as well. Because your here now and alive and you should always be grateful for that and never think other wise. Just climb over those mountains to get to that paradise. And if that mountain is too big then just walk around it. Remember there is always going to be a way to get to that paradise.

Your loyal reader

R.J ~

n24rc said...

if you really wanted to kill yourself you would have done it already. there are painless methods that would replicate your suicide fantasy. you can do research to find them out or
read this article i found interesting:

you might like it. you might not. But what can you lose by reading it?

here is a good quote if you don't read it:

'You may find yourself, as I do when I dream of suicide, in a state of unremitting remorse for having, in a moment's impetuousness, given up your life. In my dream I am falling and I am asking myself, Why did I do that? Someone was telling me the other day of a man who jumped from the Golden Gate Bridge and survived; on his way down, he found himself thinking, I thought I had problems before, but now I really have a problem: I jumped!'

melissa said...

I think you need to go to church regularly. Speak to a pastor to help you out. or better yet contact Ms. Shelley Lubbens

Please do so. I care for you,

Darío said...


Frank Abate said...

Hey James,

I just felt like stopping by and remindign you that there are many people healed by your touch. Even if you don't know it. God Bless and Happy 2010!!!!

W said...



If you really want to live, move.

Move to somewhere small and safe. Move to a little college town somewhere. That way, there are people who are accepting and intelligent, but most likely nobody would know who you are.

Drop out.

Move to Kansas, or Arkansas or Oklahoma someplace, and just start fresh.

Find a church where people don't judge. Build some relationships.

Go camping. Go fishing. Drink beer at a sports bar and talk to the guys there. Find real connections with real people who don't have a clue where you've been.

Everybody has stuff in their lives that they are ashamed of. EVERYBODY.

Let people get to know the real you, no matter how vulnerable or shamed that person might be.

I think you'll find more acceptance and love than you'd ever imagine.

My belief is that your family isn't much better at loving YOU than the people you are currently surrounded with. It seems like people have always wanted something from you, but never took the time to love you, or to nurture you.

Move. Drop out.

Do that instead of killing yourself.

At the very least, you'd get a new perspective on this ride called life.

I don't think you stand a chance staying where u are, doing what you're doing.

Move. Take your money and start someplace fresh. You still have your name.

Take care of yourself. Fuck what everybody else wants from you.

erwrsdsdg said...

Hey James, me RJ again was thinking about if you were alone or well today. I Hope you have a wonderful New Years and enjoy every minute of it.

Ive been thinking of this situation you have and waht W had written. I think he is right because if it's these people and how you don't feel loved but it takes a extreme circumstance like ending in the ICU then of course move. Because the second you move to a small college town the sooner you find your self where people don't know who you are or know your history. In life I constantly wish I can escape this family and the people who talk to me and socialize with me and move to another place. I can't but you can and I hope you take advantage of this because you shouldn't have to go through the hardships you do.

I hope you take care of your self and I hope you have a good New Years.

Even if you have no one with you on New Years or if you think you have no one who cares on New Years.
Remember this I'm hoping for a good New Years for you and a happy 2010 And at 12:00 I'll be having 2 glasses of Champagne one for me and one for you.

I Hope you have a Great New Years..

Your blog fan,


Remember when you hit rock bottom. Theirs only one way to go and that's up.. Ciao~

jed1521 said...

I just came across your blog after searching for a No Doubt song's lyrics with the same name. I was surprised when I recognized who you were so I read several of your previous posts. I feel kind of silly leaving a comment and I can see many others have tried as best as someone leaving a blog comment can to cheer you up and tell you everything’s going to be alright, but I guess what I want to say is thank you. Your honesty and openness is moving and although neither I nor anyone else can possibly understand what you’re going through, I can still relate on some level and it helps to know I’m not the only one. It’s funny how easy it is to make assumptions about people you see but don’t actually know. It’s also easy to make unfair judgments which I’m sure you’re familiar with. The fact is, anyone would be lucky to call you a friend and those who have let you down or can’t see through their own judgments and prejudices are missing out. As much as I wish I could help, I know there’s nothing I or anyone else can say to make you feel better, that’s something you have to work through on your own and it sucks but the only one who can save you is you. You can take the easy way out by giving in and laying down to die but I think you’re a lot stronger than that. And If you can pull yourself up you’ll be even stronger. You will always carry this dark side inside you but someday it will make you appreciate all you’ll have even more, ya know? It’s like someday everything you’re going through right now will have been worth it because without the evil and darkness, you can’t fully appreciate the light. Until that day comes, please keep holding on because you deserve so much better.

mikielawson said...

I have been where you are before, I was clinically depressed i lost everything. My boyfriend, job, house and car and perhaps most importantly I lose a sense of me. I was just existing, not living. Waking up eac day and wishing it to be night time so I could have two bottles of wine and knock myself out. One of the simplest and best pieces of advice came from my friend who simply said 'get a grip.' she was so right. nothing will change it till you yourself change it. get some motivation and go and get what you want. and stop doing porn, it's blatent that it's making yu feel cheap. some people would love doing that but its clear it's messing you up. take a few months out. go work in a bar, have fun and surround yourself with people. and don;t dare do anything silly agaion till you can honestly tell yourself you've seen everywhere you've ever wanted to see in your life. chin up and keep on moving.


gizmo2387 said...

Hi. I just stumbled onto your blog. I don't know who you are, but I can really relate to you. I'm 22/f also in the sex industry. I feel a lot like you. Sometimes i couldn't even stomache to read your posts because I can almost feel how you did at the exact moment you wrote it. I don't know why I am this way. I'm pretty, in college, and I make good money. I'm more financially successful than people twice my age. But I feel like such a scum bag. When I meet people, which I hardly do, I almost want to tell them right away, dont mind me.. im just a low life scum bag. I can't get out of bed a lot of times either. Why? I have no energy, nothing to do, no one to talk to, no where to go. It really is a terrifying feeling to live your life knowing you are alone. That not one person out there really cares about you, or is thinking about you. Or well...there's probably a good amount of men masturbating to me. Yeah, that's not really comforting. I have my ups and downs. Sometimes ill be real social for a few weeks, and i'll be happy (or atleast i think i am), then ill fall back into being reclusive. It sucks. People look at me and don't want to reach out. They think she's hot but she's a bitch and a whore, but i'm the total opposite inside, except sometimes i feel like i'm turning 100% bitch just from being so bitter all the time. Sometimes I get so confidant and have that, fuck yeah i'm in adult business, i make more money than you just for being hot. and i feel like i can live this way forever. but i dont know if its the industry, or just me.. but it's like we both work together to make my life spiral all the way down. I feel like i can go so far through the opportunities that the industry gives us, but i dont know why i cant take advantage of it. Maybe i'm getting it stuck in my head too that i'm just an object. A hole. If everyone in the world looks at you as something that you're not, it's only natural to start believing that thats really you.
sometimes i feel like i just wont be able to handle it anymore and i'll mentally snap and be stuck in a place beyond return and might have to be institutionalized...i'd rather be dead if thats the case. I can't take anti-depressants because i know i'll abuse any drug i have access to. I don't know how to be happy again. Sometimes i really just wish i lived in some secluded unknown island and my only goals were food and shelter. Or sometimes i wish the apocalypse would happen now, that way everyone's life will be all fucked up and nothing mattered excepting finding food and staying alive as long as you could while not being eaten by zombies. That way I know I can beat all those fuckers who judged me before and be the strongest and survive. People don't know what it's like to face what we're going through right now. But if we can get over this, we can fucking do anything.
LOL i'm sure you didnt read this, and even if you did..i'm sure reading about someone else's problems is the last thing on your mind. i just wanted to say something, maybe for your sake or mine. i have no advice sorry. only thing i can say that might help is getting off the pain killers. after 3 years i stopped being victored out all day. yes i wanted to die during the withdrawal, but ive been 7 months clean and am starting to feel a little normal again. anyway i hope this depression is a dark, nasty PHASE that we're both going thru. We'll look back later and just say yeah, my 20's sucked, thank god its over. i dont know. whatever right.

gizmo2387 said...

i forgot to add, i hope you don't die.

i feel like your life is where mine is heading as i go deeper into the industry. scared that i alredy know this is my future, the way you feel i mean. i hope you get out of it, then write about it so i can follow you. i look up to you.

JT said...

Though I haven't gone through the steps you have, I can relate to your issues regarding placing others' needs and agendas ahead of my own, especially when it came to my sexuality. I used to pretend to be gay just so people would leave me alone and let me "do my thing' in peace, but, after a while, I couldn't lie to myself any longer. There was a reason I had subscriptions to both Playboy & Playgirl, reading NEITHER "for the articles". I may be way off base, but, all I know is that once I accepted my bisexuality, it was a brand new day for me-on all levels. Again, I could be way off base, but, I have pretty good sexual ID radar (at least, I'm pretty sure I do) & having seen many of your scenes, I never got the sense that you are 100% gay, and, nope, I'm not projecting my resolved issues onto you, as I'm not looking for anything by posting here. You've said that people think you're straight when they first meet you.
Me, too.
There's probably a pretty good reason for that...
If it turns out that you are bi, don't let anyone bombard you w/ any of that "you're just confused" crap gay guys always throw at bi guys. Whatever road you take in life, just be honest w/ yourself about yourself & what you really want out of your life. What anyone else wants is irrelevant.

Happy New Year,

Astro said...

Hi, how r u?
Im just here to wish u an aswesome 2010. Hope u can find ur way, a new gang to hang out, nice-loving-caring ppl, an excelent doctor and all the other stuff u need. start the year reinventing urself, making plans, finding ways to make ur dreams come true, or if u ran out of them, that u be blessed with new ones. start believing ure gonna have a great year and be open to the ppl trying to help u. ppl can help but u have to let them help. pls, try! i wanna see u winning this battle against the old-urself, against depression. want to see u writing nice stuff, how u got better, how u feeling strong again. im cheering for ya. try it.

hope ure fine.

all the best,

Imkoolnthatzit said...

Heyyy James.. im glad you're doing better now.. just saw you in pictures for new years.. i hope that what those images rejected is what you're feeling now which is're boyfriend seems really caring and you're lucky to have someone like that next to you because those are hard to find.. keep it up James.. there's plenty of people out here that even though we have never met before we still keep up to whats going on with you.. take care ... RalF

cerres said...

James [Erik],

Now that everyone is commenting, offering advise,etc. What are you doing with it? You have been fairly quiet.

A suggestion, since everyone comes back to read or find out what you are doing periodically...that you write what you are doing or feeling on adaily, weekly basis. Sharing on a more frequent basis may help you work through your depression. True, you will be exposed, and vulernable, but that is therapeutic and what occurs in a mental health professionals office. A beginning in the process of getting better and facing your problems.

Roberto said...

It's ok to be that way. Even though it's my first time posting in your blog, it seems like its hard handling two distinct personas. What you should do it take time your both you's and be happy find what things you like. You shouldn't care about what other ppl think because they haven't done or given you anything. Just be you, Erik/James... Just be you. ^_^ Well, take care, sir. Greetings from Puerto Rico!

Silvio said...

Everything you're experiencing and feeling, I've experienced and felt, even if my career path has been completely different. Your personal happiness and the circumstances of your life are not as connected as they appear to you -- meaning, you could have the same exact life and be happy. I know what helped me overcome the misery and depression. It may not be the same for you but there will be something. But, just please believe this...things will get better. If you ever want to chat, well, I don't know how you'd find me, but try...I'm the real deal.

Dean Grey said...


Your hospital visit sounded rough! But I'm glad you made it through and glad that some of your family and your boyfriend were at your side.

Doesn't this prove to you that there are people out there who care about you?

Some people have absolutely no one. Think about that for a moment.

I'm wishing better things for you this new year!!


Erik Rhodes said...

What have you done with the advice that concerned individuals have left you in this blog?

I read everything, and i take bits and pieces of things i can relate to or feel could help me... some of it sinks in, most just fades away.
Are you looking for someone to offer the key to enlightenment?

If that asking me if i need God? i think no, like many people have suggested to me, there are so many other horrible problems in this world or terrible situations i could be in that i'm not. If there is a God, he can turn his back on me and focus on all that other shit. I'll figure it out on my own, maybe i won't, i guess thats life.
From your last comment offered, it does sound as though you are in a better space AT THIS TIME.
However, WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH THAT? Continue on with your same self-destructive behavior tha or ARE YOU GOING TO CARVE OUT A NEW PATH?

Yeah, a new path would be nice, but it seems like if i stray from this one it will only lead to dead ends or worse paths than the one i'm on, so in short i'm scared to make a change. But isn't that everyone.

Happy New Years everyone, yes i think the new year surely deserves a whole new blog but, i dont have anything great to write about, just me, faking my way through life some more. Pretending i have my shit together, when inside i'm falling apart. I actually considered changing the name of my blog back to slipping away, it feels more like home... i was forced into the change in the first place, i was told to not be so depressing, but i'm learning to accept all my failures as a part of my success. So i need to be my own filter and if thats depressing well, thats just me.

J said...

Since you have been totally honest with your feelings, I will too. I hope you have a new years resolution to keep getting help and shut down this sad, depressing, mess of a blog. It actually made me depressed just reading it. Help yourself while helping others by sharing a journey of growth. Fuck the mean people who judge you or look at you funny- there has to be a time when others opinion's don't matter. Your heart is genuine - remember that. You have been added to my prayer list buddy. (sorry to be harsh).

tibuRYX said...

I'm gonna write my honest opinion here; I hope you don't think of me weird or anything like that.

When I first saw your pic on queermenow I thought, wow! What a fucking sexy guy! I wish you were taking acting lessons because I would totally pay for you to fuck up a guy on screen, be it bad ass MMA start up guy who fights his way to the top-in the ring while having homo love on the side, or a guy bent of revenge, acting like Jason Voorhees or Michael Myers, killing everyone who killed his brother-THINK VENGENCE WITH A GIANT BONER! Killer Dick cumming blood with every kill. Eww!

I'm totally happy right now, you seem to be okay. I know some people who are downers too, myself included we like to talk about dying and death forgetting there's a life to go on and live for.

I hope this makes sense.

I have nothing but lots of love, kisses and hugs. Hope you have something big planned, even if you don't fuck a guy on screen-I hope you fuck up a guy for good; Using your fist(or your dick).

hope40 said...

Erik the pain can never go away its an illusion,there's to much confusion about your life you can't think....but who am i to judge im just a man who works day and night without going to school for being someone that won't let me have a future like in a fairy tale but if its bitter at the start than its sweeter in the end. i love you for who you are inside no matter how build you are no matter the things you did to have a normal life but please don't...don't die on me on someone who cares about you this things i keep reading about just makes me wanna come and hug you and say “im here for you” sounds silly but i mean everything i said.Ill comment more for every thing you wanna tell me love you.

Gordon said...

Erik, I have been on here a few times before. All I can say for you now is that I will be praying for you in Jesus' name.

*** said...

dude you totally killed my boner

Suzie Q. said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Suzie Q. said...

Your composition is impressive, and you hold a fascinating perception of the world around you. Try meeting a boy who doesn't know of you.

Marcus said...

There’s nothing worse than telling someone you’re depressed, just to have them tell you to “Cheer up…” or “Find some friends…” or “Find Jesus.” If it were that easy, you wouldn’t be spilling your guts on the World Wide Web to anyone who will fucking listen. And while, usually, some consolation can be found in the knowledge that other people in the world are depressed too, that knowledge does little to change one’s situation—it doesn’t help alleviate the pain or the anger or the sadness. I find that one of the main issues with depression (besides the depression itself) is that you just stop caring. I can’t tell you the last time I cared about…anything, really. There are instances, episodes, where things seep through the haze—an instance when something makes me angry or happy, when something disappoints me or pleasantly surprises me. But in the end they are just instances. Yet for the past few years, I’ve been coasting through life on automatic…almost like traveling on cruise-control in the slow lane of a highway heading for a destination not of my own choosing, but definitely heading in the wrong direction. Life has been pretty shitty. I’ve been feeling like God forgot me altogether—but who am I to complain to God?

Then recently someone said something I thought was…well…corny, at first; but then as I thought about it, it got kinda deep to me: the Devil has no authority over you; all he can do is make suggestions. Ultimately, YOU have all power over the decisions you make in life and how your end will be written. Our paths in life are laid, predestined; but the problem is we’ve been given freewill to follow the path or deviate from it. The more dumb-ass decisions we make that go against the grain of our destinies, the farther we stray from our paths. Pretty soon we get so lost that we don’t even have a clue as to what we were supposed to be doing in this life anymore! The more lost we get, the more depressed we feel—depression is your subconscious telling you that you’ve strayed so far away from your path that you’re gonna need a roadmap to get back. We make these decisions then blame God for not caring or the Devil for being a prick and causing the situation in the first place or the world for being such a shitty place or the people in it for being the asses they’ve chosen (or was destined) to be. But, no, it’s us. We’ve made some bad decisions and what we’re getting now are the repercussions of those decisions. Well, those of us who are depressed anyway. Doing porn wasn’t the smartest decision in the world, but at the time it was what you thought you had to do or maybe needed to do. It was either the best you could do at the time or the easier way to avoid what you knew you should have been doing all along—just like drinking or smoking or doing drugs or eating too many carbs or whatever the hell people do to escape or hide from their lives. And, unfortunately, you’ll have to carry that baggage for a minute…if you see it as such. You could choose to see it as a means to an end (as I’m sure doing movies have afforded you some privileges you would have otherwise missed out on) or as a learning experience (because I’m sure you’ve learned more about life and love and business and yourself in your short time in the business than many folk will learn in a lifetime). But you’re not dead yet. If there’s one good thing about life it’s that it’s not over til it’s over. Today, right now, you can make a decision that will radically shift the paradigm of your life in a way that you can see as soon as tomorrow morning—for good or for ill. But that decision, that power, belongs to you and no one else. Something as simple as eating oatmeal everyday for a month can lower your cholesterol; something as significant as moving from New York to Nebraska can change the way you view the world and the people who live in it…LITERALLY! Life is about the choices you make and how well you can live with the ramifications that come from those decisions…but until your life is over, those choices are always yours. Choose, man…and live.

hope40 said... hey erik your list of song are great i hear most of them since they came out but i wanted to share some of the songs of my favorite band and maybe you might put the song on your list but please as a friend liten to them see wath you might think :}

joe said...


Dean Grey said...


I'm glad to hear you not only read the many comments here but seem to be taking bits of advice from them as well. This is a good thing!

And for the record, everyone fakes their way through life and acts like their shit is together when they're really falling apart at some point and time.

You're just going through that stage right now and it's hard to see things from a different perspective when things are so dark for you.

Blog when you feel up to it and don't when you don't feel like it. That sounds perfectly understandable.

Go you!!!


hope40 said...

“A man must be big enough to admit his mistakes, smart enough to profit from them, and strongenough to correct them. Im here to support not to entertain you :)

Matthew Keegan Boyle said...

You don't know me and frankly, it's none of my business so I dunno why I feel compelled to write to you. Reading your last couple posts tore into me and I don't know why. I actually feel for you and I don't know you. I'm only 18 so it probably seems naive of me to offer you advice but I'll give it a shot because I've been depressed and it's a haunting thing. Nothing truly gets rid of it except you.

Every day and every night, I would cling to myself alone, I didn't go anywhere, lived life through my phone. Seemed like all I did was think about how screwed up I am, the things I did I wasn't proud of, etc. It got deep inside my soul and I basically said farewell to my world. I was no longer controlling me. It tears your mind apart. I second guessed everything I did, thought or said. But I woke up one day, still feeling like Death warmed up and thought it won't end until I do and that thought scared me because it was one of two things. So I gave myself one good reason to rewind and give me another shot at happiness. Look at like through different eyes. Don't act like a machine scared to live your dreams. Be your own #1. Make the most today because you can't know tomorrow. Only complain if you truly want someone to help. Enjoy the simple things in life that make you smile, even just a little. Life is a gift. Life is short. Life is precious. Don't let your life be an existance. Do what you want to do, just enjoy.

Fong said...

Reading through your blog makes me understand myself a little bit more. I have the same feelings that you do. Why does my life really mean? Why do I always end up hurting myself and others? Why do I always have to smile when I really don't want to?

All those questions keep bouncing around in my head. Most of the time, I can ignore it and go on with doing my daily activities. Most of the time, I can just sit back and not worry about them. And then I come back to my room and it all explodes. I start crying, thinking about what ifs, about the various things in my life that I could not control.

I might not be into drugs like the rest of the gay culture, but I do get addicted easily to things. That is one of the reasons why I have tried to stay away from that part. Along with freaking my friends out with not breathing for 10 mins would do it to.

I've tried running to friends for help. Running to various things for help, but it doesn't. Nothing ever helps out, not even sleep or staying awake until I finally pass out due to lack of energy.

Doing my daily job in a semi-comatose state doesn't really help out either. But it helps push the day along. Especially when I've had a busy day. I try to keep my mind from jumping to where it needs to, but it is hard sometimes.

You are a pretty strong guy to go through everything that you have been. You have the will power within yourself to do what you want. You make the decision that you really don't care what other people think about you. But you do. You want to be accepted for the person you are inside and not what other people perceive you to be.

Depression sucks. And being Bi-polar definitely sucks. I know the feeling of it all.

But take your strength, perseverance and willingness to do what you want,help you get where you want to be. You have the support of your family. You have the support of people around you who care. You have people on this blog who wants you to be here with us. You have your BF who cares for you.

Don't let your mind play tricks on you. Because when you give it the chance, it'll tell you what you really don't want to hear. It will tell you that you aren't worth it.

And believe it or not, you are worth it. Why else would you be here? Why else would people read about you and feel touched about the many things you say.

No, it isn't because they take joy in your misery. Or that they pity you for how you feel. It is because you have touched not only them and myself by what you have written, but because you speak the truth. You talk about your feelings openly. Even if you might not want to, you do it.

In your day to day life, you might not want to express them. Hell, I don't ever want to express my feelings sometimes either. But knowing that if I don't write them down or give it some type of escape, I know I will just go all uni-bomber on someone. So take your frustrations out.

Sometimes, I wish I lived in a different world to where I didn't have to deal with the multitude of problems that I have either. But it is more about you being accepted more than anything else.

What people say about you is just from jealousy more than anything else. They won't say but they would rather be you more than they are saying.

I won't want to be cliche about anything. So please, keep your head up and look toward the brightness of each coming day even though it might be miserable when the sun does sun.

Blackapino3 said...


I’ve been reading your posts and they have been the only things that have made me shed tears in a long time. Life isn’t easy, we all have our battles to fight and yours is a tough one. Facing the criticism of others on a daily basis is hard. You have to live your life for you and that special person you love. The only opinions that matter in life are yours and that of your significant other.

I have had those days where all I want to do is cry and stay in bed… Sometimes you have to do just that. Express the emotions you’re feeling. Let them out and experience them, as much as they hurt; you have to let them out. If you try to ignore them, or repress them, they will only continue to eat at you and bring you down to a darker place. This will help the healing process. Forgive yourself for everything you have done. You are only human and no one is perfect.

You are in control of your life. Life is what you make of it. You are NOT destined to fail.. You are constantly projecting these negative thoughts and energy and I promise you it will manifest itself following your thought pattern. You don’t know what the future holds for you, no one does and sometimes it’s scary.
There are so many things I want to say so much advice I want to offer but I can’t seem to find the right words...

I will keep you in my prayers, and send you Reiki everyday and hope it helps.

The only thing that keeps popping in my head at the moment is... Love yourself, and forgive yourself.

Blessed be,

Raven Night said...

To James,

I am going to try and not be ineffectively encouraging as most good-intentioned people do when they respond to others having serious pain. I don't want to go on and on about 'I have pain too' cause that doesn't make anything better either.

I have a family history of depression and have manic depression myself. I've gone through a series of different medications and been through a number of diferent therapists, but things haven't gotten 'better', only 'manageable'. That might not seem that positive but right now I'm concentrating mostly on being functional. I am between therapists right now and there are several things keeping me from finding a new one, but I can say for sure that it is a trial and error process to find one who is good for me and it is worth looking for a good one.

Most of my doctors up til now have required me to have a therapist in addition to the meds for treatment, I can't say I've felt better because of a therapist but the meds have changed my life. I explained it to a friend as being able to notice the colors of flowers and grass for the first time, all of the sudden things were more real.

This is getting long and maybe a little sanctimonious, sorry. Don't give up on finding a therapist and getting medication. It takes time to find a good one but it's worth it.

I really want to meet you one day and hope the universe makes that happen. In the meantime, I wish you the best and although there are plenty of people on here who probably have good intentions to listen, there is no substitute for a professional therapist.

Best wishes


Raven Night said...

To James,

I am going to try and not be ineffectively encouraging as most good-intentioned people do when they respond to others having serious pain. I don't want to go on and on about 'I have pain too' cause that doesn't make anything better either.

I have a family history of depression and have manic depression myself. I've gone through a series of different medications and been through a number of diferent therapists, but things haven't gotten 'better', only 'manageable'. That might not seem that positive but right now I'm concentrating mostly on being functional. I am between therapists right now and there are several things keeping me from finding a new one, but I can say for sure that it is a trial and error process to find one who is good for me and it is worth looking for a good one.

Most of my doctors up til now have required me to have a therapist in addition to the meds for treatment, I can't say I've felt better because of a therapist but the meds have changed my life. I explained it to a friend as being able to notice the colors of flowers and grass for the first time, all of the sudden things were more real.

This is getting long and maybe a little sanctimonious, sorry. Don't give up on finding a therapist and getting medication. It takes time to find a good one but it's worth it.

I really want to meet you one day and hope the universe makes that happen. In the meantime, I wish you the best and although there are plenty of people on here who probably have good intentions to listen, there is no substitute for a professional therapist.

Best wishes


latinman said...

Hey man,

I dont know you, I have seen your movies, and I know what it feels to be clinically depressed and anxious. Every word in your blog is your depression talking, is not you. It does not let you see things in perspective, it blocks you from appreciating the little things that make us happy. Wanna get over that? you need to make changes in your life, star with small ones, set goals for the short, mid, and long term. Get medical treatment to help you get out of that dark storm. Dump those friends who dont bring anything good and positive to your life. Dump any recreational drug, if you are into that, forget about doing steroids, accept yourself as you are, you are hot you dont need to do any extra work. That the porn life is not for you....fine you can do something else, I am sure you have plenty of skills to put in use. That you feel lonely, thats all in your head, I am sure that you have plenty of friends and family you can talk to, but one thing, people get tired of our waining. I know you workout very hard, do cardio, everyday, put the weights down and let your brian release some endorphines (by doing cardio). You and only you can get out of that black hole, people help, therapy help, but you have the power to do it, no one else. It is up to you to do the homework, you have the power to control your emotions, your thoughts. You are responsible for your own health. This life is worth living. Dont give up, this shall pass.


Mladen said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Tonez said...

Dude you need a holiday to new Zealand or something like that, try joining afs. Feels better to give back

ka kite

coboarder1187 said...

I have always seen you from time to time online in videos and stuff and have wondered what kind of man you are. I can't imagine what the life of someone like you would be like but i'm sure it is very vivid. I doubt you even read these but you seem like someone worth getting to know. I dont' know if that seems cheesy or what not but I think that it is quite honorable that you post your feelings in such a public way. Many people don't because they are afraid of when the media or public might say. Although it DOES seem like perhaps people are harsh on you for your comments, it's only because they are ignorant to the fact that you are human too. I dont' know why but people seem to think people in stardom just lead perfectly happy lives, where as you prove and show that you are only human and infact DO have feelings, emotions, problems, and triumphs. Having faith in yourself and in life to take you where it does and that you will be ok, takes a lot of strength. Just take each day at a time and focus on you and the emotions that YOU want to feel. If you feel sad then feel sad but don't let the media or public tell you what they want or what you SHOULD be doing. Only you know what is best for you and the types of things that you want to bring into your life. Anyways, sorry if that was way long, I just thought I would give this a long shot and see if you respond. I DO hope to hear from you. I have always admired you and secretly have hoped fate might cause us to run into each other one day :) Until then....I have an email haha. Peace.

peter said...

I hope anyone who is thinking about hitting the Paypal Donation button to give money to an able-bodied 26-year-old porn actor will first think of, or at least consider, the unimaginable devastation and great need in Haiti.

And, maybe, James, since you are the recipient of so much compassion maybe you understand it, and you could lay off using, for dramatic effect, that phrase, "Going all Virginia Tech"? That wasn't a movie or a video game; 32 real people, students and teachers, were killed that day, it's not exactly something to joke about.

coboarder1187 said...

I'm dying to meet James...I think it would be an amazing time.

kdianes1 said...

As a straight woman in my 40's I am an unusual fan no doubt. I am aslo someone who takes Lexapro to survive my day/week/year/life. But survive this life I want to! There so much I still need to see and do. I am sure you are not ready to go yet either. See a therapist-they help you put things into perspective and change how you see things and you take pain sorrow INTO yourself. It's worth the time.

Joshua said...

hey, this comment may not stick out to you in the string of others on here. i don't know your pain or what you've experienced. What i can say is that you are worth more than you think you are. The go and the self can be terrible enemies. you can feel free to talk to me if you need someone to talk to. i know that may sound weird because we don't know each other but I've been through massive depression and can offer advice and tips.


Joshua said...

shoot me an email, we'll talk about what's on your mind. i would really like to help.

dsa said...

Hey I'm 15 and even though you say nobody understands you, I've had my severve bouts of depression too and have thought the same exact thing, so I do know what you're feeling to some extent. When I read your blog entries, I want to help you so bad because I know what depression feels like and I know that just finding someone you can trust and talking to them can go a LONG way. I can do that! I'm such a great listener and I don't give you the same cliche stuff everyone else says. So yeah, if you ever wanna talk, which I encourage, shoot me an email at itsallgood734 @ gmail . com

. said...

so live your life
you can do this.
just sending a little love.

take care yourself

me said...

I can say that maybe I understand u because I have been in that situation... at least.. part of it..
u can get better.. it is not impossible.. u just have to find the way.. we all know from what u wrote.. that doctors.. drugs.. etc.. are not the solution.. try exercise... a new boyfriend.. other friends.. other activities...

It is totally true that u were going to explode sometime... I mean if u do not have someone to share all those feelings... god... it must be so hard! I have been there!! Sometimes I am still there!! U feel like u are choking... it is all in ur throat... u want to talk and cry.. and let go all those wordss...

please james... It would be a true pleasure if we could talk... I have found.. that people that have the same issues.. can understand each other better.. PLEASE! LET'S TALK! u cannot lose anything.. however.. u can winn!
my mail is

kisses.. wish u nothing but the best...

pd: if u could not share all this with ur boyfriend or friends... they trully deserve to be called that way?? (sorry if I am saying something wrong)

henryh said...

I stumbled onto your blog. I have to first tell you that you are very brave to share your feelings. You do a lot of things many people would find hard to do. The hardest is to share your feelings. So therefore, I applaud you for your honesty and your strength.

From what I have read from your blog, you are in a lot of pain. You only see the darkness right now, and you can't really see past this darkness.

I'm not a medical doctor or a psychotherapist, but you will get past this one day. It might not be today, tomorrow, or even the next, but you will get past this. I am sorry if that sounds cliche, and it definitely is not meant to be condesending. You will get past this one day, and you will be stronger for it.

In this time of darkness, try to see people for who they really are...Are they well wishers, or are they leaches? You don't need anyone who is clingy right now, or people that are using you. See people for who they really are. There are many well wishers out there. These people will listen to you and not judge you. I don't know who you are, and you don't know who I am, but I am willing to read your blogs. There are many people here willing to listen to you.

People on this site are wishing you well even though they don't know you. But somehow they see you. They see your inner person. We do see you.

I`m reading that you don`t really like your current career. You can do anything you want. You are still very young. You have many years ahead of you. Sorry to make this so long, but I have recently gone back to school, and I absolutely love it. I'm going to tell you that I have to do an academic upgrading course to get back into the swing of things. School is very different than it was before. I was a little embarrassed at first because it was the equivalent to grade 12. However, my friends didn`t care, and they supported me all the way. I found a really good group of people that supported me. I am sure that you have something like that in your state. There is nothing wrong going back to education. Your true friends will support you. I will support you.

I wish you peace.

dsa said...

Erik, your blog has had such an impact on me the last several hours since I first discovered it. It's all I could think about, and when I can't get sometihng out of my head, I write about it in my journal. I hope you take the time out to read what wrote in my journal, and'll react.

Sunday January 17, 2009
I was in the mood for some Erik Rhodes today so I googled him and found this wikipedia article on him. It said stuff about his career and what not, but torwards the end it said he is suicidal and he talks about it on his blog. Two things that suprised me: suicidal and blog. I didn't know pornstars kept blogs. Erik isn't the kind of guy I'd think would be depressed cuz he always looks so confident. When I read some entries on his blog, I found it was totally true. I think a major suprisement for me when I read his blog was how much I could relate. When I was depreesed, I felt exactly like the way he described he felt. Especially about trusting people. He says '(Sorry, to the people that get sick of my depressing rants, but i been holding it in for to long and i was going to explode. Trust me if i had someone in my life that i thought cared enough to hear what i felt, i wouldn't be throwing it all up here)...oh well'

dsa said...

"I think that's exactly how I felt when I was always writing in this journal. I didn't have anyone to let out what I was feeling. Those I had once trusted betrayed me when I told them my inner thoughts, used it against me. It had to go somewhere, so i put it here in this journal. It was my outlet, although it was still not big enough. The outlet was never big enough because the mass was always growing, until I could no longer take it on March 8 [and attempted suicide] or till I found God, another outlet for me, much bigger this time. I think God should help out Erik, real name James. He's confused, needs guidance. He doesn't know if a God exists, because if there was one he wouldn't be in so much pain. I understand completely, and it's weird cuz i'm 15 and he's 27.
When I read his blog posts, it was weird. I felt proud. Proud to be gay. I've never felt that before, always have felt ashamed more than anything. Erik is so successful and such a man. I mean, I never saw him like that before. Now I see he's not just a sex icon, but someone with emotion. He's a living, breathing person, not just someone who parties and you know, is caught up in a shitty, party lifestyle. He's a man, and I wanna be like him. Sucessful.
Just before I started writing I was feeling kinda mad/sad/angry cuz i had gotten a call to go on a retreat with the catholic church. I was having trouble finding a way out of it (since I'm a Lutheran) since my mom wants me to go so bad, being a strong catholic. Anyways, I found myself saying 'I have to stay strong. For Erik.' Weird right? But I just feel a bond with him cuz I understand where he's coming from so much.
He just has nobody and I feel so bad for him. I know that sounds bad. A 15 yr old pitying a 27 yr old. I'm not trying to make it sound like that, even if that's what it is. All I'm saying is that we both have felt Depression, the only difference is I've gotten through it, and I want to help him do that. I prbly can't, but I still feel connected to him because he's able to put his depression into words, something that was so hard for me to do no matter how hard I tried. IDK, all of this sounds dumb. It's too hard to explain. I know how Erik feels, and he would understand how I felt. There. And that's why it's so impressive; he's the first guy I KNOW could understand, and possibly the only.
Okay, I need to go back to that quote really quick and pretty much analyze it and relate it back to myself to provide a better understanding, because I think it explains partly why it's so hard for me to trust. Erik is of course reluctant to let out his emotions on a website where all can see because he's famous. He doesn't want to fall under scrutiny, to be thought of as a baby or any less of a man because he's 'bitching and moaning' about how life sucks. That's a huge part of why I'm so hesitant to tell my friends about when I'm feeling sad. I don't want them to think I'm a big huge crybaby. I have to have someone I really care about to tell this stuff to, just as Erik does. It's why the depressed often say nobody understands. If I told you just how depressed I was and went on for pages and pages about it, you could read it, but not relate (unless you've experienced it), therefore you wouldn't understand. That's why a depressed person is a depressed person's best friend, they understand each other. I left a comment on Erik's blog about how I'm 15 and understand and I left him my email. Hopefully we can get to talking. If not, I understand, he's famous."

There you go Erik. I typed my whole entry out, just to show you I understand. I know. I don't want you to die James, I really don't. And I know I'm not the only one, contrary to what you might think. It just can't happen, please.

JCSP said...


JCSP said...


kawai sprikles world said...

hola erick
I'm from mexico
and indeed I understand.

eh been there your
not feeling loved and wanted

I am a great fan of you
I will not lie
me and a lot of fun watching
your movies

but after that time
I wonder
this guy has it

Physical money

but I think your feeling is another ke

do not let nobody ke aga feel more less
I find you're a person ke
with many qualities

do not be underestimated
by bad people

hopefully you recover

Your friend

hope40 said... hey its me again erik see this video sometimes all we need is a little magic love.

Synergy Junkie said...


My name's Jonathan Lumé, I just came across your latest post and it really touched me, because it brought me back to a place I'm currently struggling with.

To say I know where you're coming from would be a lie, however I can't help but see similarities in the emotions you've conveyed and the emotions I've been through just a month ago. I'm wracking my brain trying to reach out to you in a way so that you can gleam everything I know, all the way from where I am. I realize that that is impossible, despite the absurdity I'm trying anyways. I would like to let you know that I'm here if you would like to talk.

Sometimes you want to tell those around you what's really going on, like you're bursting at the seems but can't manage to bring yourself to say it all at once, or even at all. Sometimes it means more to see the effort behind someone's concern, sometimes you want to see them break through the walls we build around ourselves, because then they just may have become worthy enough to share in your secret. Sometimes however even that's not enough and then you're faced with yet another dilemma. Eventually after a while, your love ones burn out. They've been through one extreme to the next and before you know it, feigned interest and empty promises.

I believe that some people weren't built for what you're going through. It isn't their burden to carry. But we as flawed human beings do need support. We need a safe haven, to restore our vigor and rebuild our hopes and sometimes refashion our dreams. I'm quietly extending my hand to you and welcoming you to rest in my haven. If ever you feel down like that and you need some comfort maybe a fresh perspective on things, contact me.

We live in such a vast and beautiful world. I've always found that when life seems to have me on the floor, like I'm out for the count, I just need to either pick up a new skill or improve on one I already have. In essence opening a window when a door is closed. Empower yourself James. I believe you have not reached the end of your journey.

You can reach me on aim, aim:jonathanlume or twitter sn:synergyjunkie


Jacob said...

Decided to put my two cents on this subject. I think everybody has their shitty times. I know I sure do.

When I saw the wiki article, and read your blog, I can say I relate. I will say that you aren't alone at all.

As for the porn thing, if it isn't making you happy anymore, you should quit. It's sounds like you need to find your inner self more than anything.

Kaynkay said...

James, well I'm just a little girl and I donno how to come to your blog and I just didnt know your past till I have read it. My whole start of the new year was terribly and I really just thought why life is doing that to me, so I can imagine a little little bit of your thoughts and feelings. Don't bring you down, there are times which are fucking unbelievable hard but have a look for the great things life has to offer, although they are tiny or seems unimprtant. You can see in everything a good point and I've learned that it's important to try to catch those things and I'm feeling a lot better with it now.
I've a problem because I always want to live up the expectations because I'm scared to get the mitten and it's important to me what people are thinking about me BUT I told myself to stop about that because it's my life and I have to live it like I wanna do it.
James, cheer up!!! I really wish you all the best man!!!
(sorry for my English...I'm German)

頑皮人 said...


Damn You Tall said...

Is there anything a complete stranger can say to make you feel better. You know there are many of us fans out here, just reading your blog trying to pretend we are one inch closer to becoming something other to you then a statistic. Get the help you need man. Work out your shit. There is to much to live for. If porn makes you depressed, dont do it. Stabilize your life for YOU and only you. You have given us your soul, with the movies and pictures. Take your life back. When i have seen you smile, in interviews and web chats, even if its just polite, there is an innocence there that is pure happiness. Dont stop smiling.

LUNA said...

I love Erik Rhodes' pics.

I like your body but I love so much your fuckable mind!

Alexander said...

Hello James! My name is Yonah. James, I have been reading your blog. You are an amazing person for being vulnerable and revealing the current state of your life at this moment. You have helped me. I have learned a lot from reading your blog. I am sorry that people have been judging and hating on you but you must remain strong and love yourself because if you do not love and care for yourself. No one else will. I am glad you have found the love of your life! You and Anthony must make sure no one gets in the way of your relationship. I will give you my email. Contact me when you need someone talk to or just listen. I will not judge or belittle you, James. I will be a friend and human to listen to you when you need it. My email address is Remember, you are worthy and deserve love, life and the right to be happy like everyone else. Life is a complex experience. Whether, the experience is negative, positive or somewhere in between. It is always worth living and we always learn something. Stay strong and enjoy life! Do not hesitate to contact me. Stay blessed!


metmom said...


No one knows what you are going through, but a lot of people seam to care about you from all the comments on this post. I for one am one of those people. You are a beautiful man and from your blog you are beautiful on the inside as well. Depression hurt, I know. It runs in my family and I am on meds to cope with mine. Both my boys are in therapy and I have to knowlage to know that I was the one that gave them this problem. Just adding to my own depression.

The best thing you can do for yourself is talk or write to someone. You are getting some things out on your blog and that is a start, but the more personal things should be with someone detached from you. If you can't confided in a therapist, then please feel free to contact me. I am not a medical profesional and will not judge you on your livelyhood.

Just try to remember you are worthy of love and friendship. You are a beautiful humanbeing and deserve to be happy. Don't let the inner demeon win... Please keep fighting. The strongest thing to do is ask for help. It may not be the easyest, but you can do it.

If you ever need to contact someone my email is

Keep strong and Blessed Be!
(Sorry I can't spell worth beans)

waseem said...

whoever said that life was easy. but you have time on your side, you are young and beautiful and gorgeous and you could go to school and retrain and start doing something you really liked and so forth. why don't you just give it a try? good blog, by the way.

tibuRYX said...

Thanks for putting up Marylin Manson 15 as a Playlist song. Its a good recommend. I'm gonna use it when I go on the step elliptical and workout to it.

James, I want to see your fitness routine. If you ever write it down, please put it up on the blog for us guys who want to be fit and lean-like you.

Rock on Motherfucker!



gran said...

I just read this ... Wow, that was craaazy! I will say u need to chillax brother...
I assume u don't really read these responses. It seems there are some real good suggestions and it seems that people do care...unfortuneately, they aren't the ones that count...they dont really know u (as much as they think they do). It's sad what's going on w/u mentally. The mind is the hardest to cure. I'm not going to blame ur family nor ur friends. Maybe ur family has tried to be there? Maybe, just maybe, so have some of ur friends? Again, maybe, just maybe, they have ALL tried to be "there" but u might have felt it wasn't enough.. U felt it shudve been more...? I just want to say one thing really... U cant script life... or anyone, for that matter. If everything that happens to u u have a set response for or u think u know what someone shud say and or do to prove their love/loyalty... U WILL b disappointed EVERYTIME! As I'm sure u have disappointed others because they too had a script set for u... No one ever follows script. I write this for u but truly write this for others on this blog as well. Let people be. U will b surprised how it changes the dynamics when others feel they can just b themselves and not always b on pins and me. Oh, and one more thing, ur family? They will always show up,,,and up and up. I wish u mental peace. I truly do...And next time I see u at the gym, I'm gonna ask about this...Cuz I truly dont think u read most of these rants...LOL!
Peace and love buddy!

metmom said...

Gran – Well said!


I have just a bit more to say, and then I will leave you in peace.

I keep thinking that I am just the worsted person ever now that I know how you really feel about your livelihood. Since I am a fan of “Erik’s” work, it just seems so wrong of me now to even watch the scenes. I keep wondering what’s going on in James’s head at that particular moment. It maybe just acting, but something’s just can’t be an “act”. Men just don’t work that way. Well, I never thought so anyway. Am I wrong?

I truly hope you find the happiness you deserve in your personal and public life.

Best wishes and Blessed Be!
Lora :)

Ben said...

Hey James,

I was shocked to read your blog, but I guess we all have our issues and problems in life, honestly not a big porn junkie and had no idea who you were till I heard you on DNR and had to look you up. (Just found your blog after being a DNR listener for 2 years) I have since become a fan and always though wow, confident, attractive and well I always thought a great personality. It is truly saddening that you are going through all of this. I obviously have never met you in person but you seem like a big heart and deserve that love in return. I did see you Pride weekend '09 on Sunday Night outside the GYM Bar I was visiting from PA for the weekend, wanted to approach and say hello, but for one being 6'3" myself you are a big guy and well intimidating in person and two I have seen several celebrities out in the city and yes I consider you one, but I figure you are not there for an "event" you are there with your friends and living your normal life so I dunno, even though I would have loved to have a picture with you, I will just have the visual memory of you because well you should be able to live a normal life without the annoyance of fans. Anyway I really hope to see you post soon and things get better for you. You have a lot of fans out there who don't think of you just as a porn star, but as a human though many of us will never get a chance to meet you or get to know you but our thoughts are with you.

Gay Guy In Pink Scarf said...

I don't want to offer my condolences because I don't know you personally (to me it's a bit corny). And I can't say that I idolize you because, well, I find people who actually make a difference to be far more interesting. You're human, plain and simple. We laugh. We cry. We hurt. We learn from the things we do in life (mistakes?) and we grow. People assume because they see an image of an attractive man that he should have it all and that's not the case. I would assume that it's even more difficult when you're in such a position because you're not sure who's in your life because they want to or because they want to use you. All I can say is good luck with everything.

Ryan said...

Hey, Eric!
I just found your blog today.
I'm kinda slow. I know. =\

Okay, I'm going to leave this comment short.

You're probably not even going to read most of your comments anyway, so I'll consider myself lucky if your eyes make it past this paragraph.

You seem to be going through some oddly melancholic-sort-of phase in your life. I'm no shrink, but it's always easier to look at things half-empty, but it's nicer to look at things half-full.

Take care, Eric.

jecox91 said...

hey erik,
Well, I know you're going through a hard time, and hearing dumb things from people who can't empathize with you must not help. I've been there. The best thing to do is to cling to the ones that make YOU happy. This can be your family, friends, whoever. Just be happy. Your happiness is the most important thing in the world. Remember, the problems you have now are not the end. Right now may be bad, but sadness never lasts forever. It comes and goes, you just have to stay strong.

Chris said...

hey Erik, your post is pretty devistating, an easy way out, i dont believe you really want that, "the hardest thing in this world is to live in it" - (sarah michelle gellar) so i want you to love, b/c i know your strong, their is so much to live for, and if you take an easy way out, just think, people are going to miss you, friends, family, fans, people you've never met,but some how im sure you have impacted their lives at some point, whether or not they have seen your films or talked to you in person. i just want you to know, that some one always cares. i have been taking some lorezepan for anxiety when i get overwhelemed by life so i know how things get, sure its different for everyone but truth is, there are people who have it worse, so please value your life b/c its beautiful and eventhough u may get down sometimes, just realize that you can always climb back up :)

hope you feel better


Ra said...

This comment is pretty random, but I just came across your blog.I just wanna give you a hug.

JTaylor said...

Hi James,

When I first saw that you had a blog, I thought that you were just some horny porn star, trying to tell people that you are better than them. But when I start to read, I could see how kind, honest and human you are. I appreciate you being honest and pouring your heart out. Don't worry about the negative things that people say about your posts. If you feel like you need to let it out, then post what you want to say. Even though it might not seem like it, there are so many people who are willing to support you, even though we are problably miles away and speaking with you through a computer screen. It is always difficult feeling vulnerable, like there is nothing more, nothing better than what life is offering now. Just remember that there are many people who are willing to follow you along this difficult path and help you through this. I problably will never understand what you are feeling right now, but I know that you are a strong-hearted person and you will overcome any pain that comes your way. Underneath this vulnerable James is a much stronger one. I want you to get through this and I want you to live a long, happy life. Remember, people are going to be there for you! Smile, Laugh, Enjoy life!! People here are going to see you as a beautiful, happy, strong James as long you don't give up on finding what makes you happy. If you ever feel like ranting or whenever things do go well, don't hesitate on posting here! We will continue to help you through this!

Pete said...

Well this is completely unexpected. I came online tonight to read about the one person I enjoy watching the most. See if I could learn anything about you, and boy did I get more than I expected. It is really interesting to read about how sad you are because it is a complete turn around from what you make yourself appear to be, this big, strong, well built person. And I'm not talking about your figure, although damn, but rather the inner you. I suppose that's just a mask, the mask we all wear in our lives. I only know of you, from what you wrote and I read, so I really don't know why you are depressed, but I will tell you this. I have been there too, and am going in and out of my depression on a daily basis. I've tried to kill myself many times, and some how none of them worked. I'm here and I must be for a reason because I should be dead. I should be dead approximately 12 times by now. I assume then that I must be here for a reason than. What the reason is I don't know, and I wish I did, but as it is I think you and I should live life to try and be happy. I know that's easier to say then it really is to do, but I'm going to try and be happier and you should too.

sanjeet said...

try taking one day at a time! and try making each day simple. start living for others and see how good it feels.

ivyLeaguer said...

Comedy Central's Daniel Tosh is the cutest fucking comedian ever, and so funny.

adrian said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
adrian said...

I guess some of us will never know the reason of our existence.

just a reflection
just a glimpse
just a little reminder
of all the what abouts
and all the might have
could have beens
another day
some other way
but not another reason to continue
and now you're one of us
the wretched

metmom said...

This is a bit early....

Happy Birthday James! Hope your B'day is awesome and you have a wonderful day.

Dean Grey said...


A new header!

A bit flowery for my tastes but I like that you incorporated your real name into it.

Hope you are well!

Post something soon!


Eduardo said...

I was touched reading your blog. I would like to know that you are getting along better each day ...

BostonMguy said...

Been over a year now, not even sure you've forgiven me yet for, well, you know, but if nothing else, please believe that I truly want to your life to be a blessed one, filled with joy and smiles.

If you haven't, then feel free to delete this comment - won't be dropping by this year with a card and frisbee--- maybe I'll "donate" to this site so you can at get a pack of your favorite protien shakes on me...

T. said...

Happy Birthday James, I hope it's a good one and that you are in a good (or atleast better) place in your life. Take care of yourself.


me said...

Let me say that in ur birthday.. please treat urself in ways that will make u feel better.. enjoy ur birthday!! THIS IS YOUR DAY!
be surrounded with friends.. people that u really know they care about u...

please try it... a wall can be an obstacle or a challenge... it is up to u.. if u need to talk.. u know where to find me...
wish u nothing but the best... happy b james

Alfonzo said...

I know how crappy you must feel right now and I'm going to avoid saying cliches like "it's going to be better" and "it's always darkest before dawn" because it seems like dawn never seems to come.
Don't really know if there is anything else to say other than I've been there. I've been at that point where I hoped I would have just died so I wouldn't have to tell my parents I got arrested or another DUI.
Nobody likes being preached to, so I won't do that.
I guess my point is that there are other people out there who have been where you are and know how you feel. There are people out there that know you don't want to be preached to and judged (you judge yourself enough for the whole world). There are people that know you just need someone to hear you out and not try to dissect and "figure you out" so that they can tell you what's wrong with you and why your life sucks.
I think maybe the next time someone truly offeres to listen to you (and I'm sure you can tell when they mean it), take them up on their offer. I know you've been fucked by this in the past, but it's a risk you may want to take.

Janes said...

you should see a's a are such a young person..i don't know what else to say..hope you find your inner peace ._

ivyLeaguer said...

I wouldn't feel too sorry for our favorite little South Park Goth Girl. Right now he's doing that one thing that makes him so sad, that he hates, that's ruined his life, a porn movie, but on the directing side. And talking about how much he loves fisting. The interview:

aaajockboy said...

I was hoping to see a new entry when I got to your site. I came across your blog by accident and was amazed at how much of the despair I have gone through sometimes was expressed by you. You're very brave to put yourself out there like that. I hope things are going ok for you. Just remember the thoughts you tell yourself when you are hitting at the low points aren't real. It's hard though, I know. My heart goes out to you, because I have felt (and I guess still somewhat been feeling those lows) I wish there was some bit of wisdom I could drop to make things better. I felt I had to drop a comment though since I really can realte to everything, and you wouldnt be the first guy I'd think Id have things in common with.

My blog is on live journal. AAAJockboy. If you ever need to dump to someone and no one is around, feel free to contact me.

Hope things pick up.

六福村 said...

君子遇窮困,則德益進,道益通。 ..................................................

immarked said...

Here is my only question, what do you really want from your life? Corny i know but really think about it.


my friend just got booked selling heroin. she nearly died 4 times the past year from ODing

I don't think she's my friend anymore.

Her daughter isn't going to have a mother.

Drugs are fucked up.tordald