So i saw a doctor today and i'm not so sure how it went. I basically spilled my guts and didn't hold back from anything, except from flat out saying i did porn for a living. I said, "if you can imagine the biggest scumbag you have encountered in your life, and put my face on his... that is basically the life i have led, and if i look alittle to well put togther to make that imagine in your head, hold water... just assume that i clean up well when i need to."
I found it funny how many times he asked me, if i owned a gun. Is there a gun in the house i live in? was i sure? I think i made myself sound crazy when the only thing i replied was "trust me, if there was a gun in my house i, sure as shit wouldn't be here looking for help, because i would have all the help i needed at home".
Ha Ha?
No?
The look on his face from my responce told me to bite my tongue... You dummy, Don't tell him your fantasy of running around your old gym like the kid from virginia tech. Just... kidding???
But my first red flag went off when i started talking about some my problems with my boyfriend and one of his responces to a simple statement was, "well he must have known what you do for a living, right?"
Now, i know i didnt say, i was an adult actor... and i replied without saying, "yes, he knew i was a porn star". I just said yes and kept the conversation moving. He knew i was on to him when he later asked exactly what i did for a living and then gave me the bullshit "oh really" kinda responce.
I from that point on i gave up caring... once again, i just felt like it was all bullshit... i'm gonna spill my guts and confess all the dirty shit in my life to you, in search of some sort of relief and your gonna try and get over on me? Are you that dumb? or even worse, do you think that i am that dumb?
I ended our bullshit meeting in the search of a handful of perscriptions... he wasn't that dumb. So now, i'm basically sitting here considering the whole, self medicating route, god, i could use a drink, its been almost a full year since i have had alcohol control me... i guess i'm just getting to the point of not caring at all anymore...
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
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You are a really surprised me with this blog. I entered the site to see more pictures, but i ended reading your posts and really enjoying them. I'll keep on following here in Brasil.
James:
So what if he knew who you were? In order for therapy to work, you must be honest with the doctor. He's not trying to 'pull one over on you'. If you don't like him, find one you do, but don't give up. He wouldn't write prescriptions for you because he probably thought you'd take them all. Psychiatrists take all those little 'jokes' about guns, suicide, etc. quite seriously, so fucking stop trying to control things. Be honest and they can guide you, not cure you or control you. A good therapist helps you find your own way, not their way. There is no 'correct' way to be James, and no winning answer. You will find the way to be James E. N., to adapt to your own life, not his, mine or anyone's. Tell him you act in porn, what's the big deal? He won't judge you, it's irrelevant to him. Being man enough to admit it however, does matter.
Good luck-it's a long road and this is your first step. Remember how long it took to build up your body?
It's the same thing to buil up your mind. People believe in you James, remember that.
Thought number 3-do you want a psychiatrist or absolution?
dear God almighty. can NO ONE make you happy?
i agree with edmcan: find someone you like. being on 'this end' let me tell you this:
1) he's required to ask you all those stupid questions about owning and gun and stuff FOR YOUR OWN GOOD. what if you were a crazy who was about to pull the trigger? it would be nice for him to know that.
2) i'm not sure why you didn't like him or what he said/implied about your work and the fact that he might know who you are, but face it: you're somewhat of a minor celebrity, people know you, and some of them look down on what you do. remember this: everyone has dirty little secrets. no one is better or worse than you. my buddy here in med school went and did a nude photo shoot for some gay guy out in cali this year. he's going to be a doctor next year. people do shit. no one has the right to judge.
3) again, edmcan is right. he didn't give you the drugs because you probably came off as someone who WANTED them. doctors are hesitant to dole out prescriptions to drug seekers, especially pain killers and mood enhancers.
find someone else, and this time let it all out. don't go for the jugular and try to get meds. make the conversation the therapy, and then see how it goes with the pills. you need both.
as always, you are loved. don't give up. the sun is always shining, it just might be behind a cloud for a while.
Take on day at a time. Try not to be so hard on yourself. You can't change the past but you look like you are trying to make your future better. Best of Luck.
Psychologist are there to give you support. If you went to a psychologist did you give him questions about his history of practicing and how his patients were. Did you ask him about how to go about getting medicated while trying to still talk about your life, relationships, and work.
I got to give props to you man. You've stepped across the line you made, it probably hurt your ego a little bit to be talking the shit with this Doc. But trust me, you only see him once and if he bothers you, just interview the next guy. I guess with healthcare these days, mental conditions are pre-existing conditions. Ask him a list of questions of what Im trying to say, make up some questions about his history with patients. Ask him about his rate of success. Make up some questions in your head if you meet him next time about how he can help you. You seem like a bright fellow to come up with some.
Hey, If none of these dont work: Just repeat the line from Half-Baked
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wkcoobYUu8g
I used to be in your situation and the sad thing is I'm only 23. Tried pills but told myself I'd rather be in pain than feel nothing at all. So now I'm just numb and I try to convince myself that it could always be worse. No advice works for me so I'm sure as hell not gonna try and give you any. The only thing that remotely works for me is my creative release, which is music. I guess bc I feel like I'm another person when I'm performing. Just find something that gives you a high (and not drugs bc as you and I know that's very temporary). Life can really fucking suck and all we can do is live. That's my advice even though I said I wasn't gonna give any.
I really don't know what to say to you anymore...I truly wish I could say something that would help you but it's just no use. It seems like the only help you seek is in chemical form.
I'm not sure if it's lack of guidance, lack of brains, or lack of courage-or all three, but I really hope you stay alive long enough to eventually grow the fuck up.
As of right now, you are truly beyond the pale and if your boyfriend has any brains in his head, he needs to run as far away as possible from you because you are more toxic than Chernobyl...I hate to be mean but it's the truth-only a crazy person would have a romantic relationship with someone as dysfunctional as you.
As other people have mentioned, if you didn't like that therapist and didn't like his line of questioning then try someone else.
Sometimes it can take a few times before you find someone that you think will work and even then, sometimes it works for a little while before you realise you aren't getting anything out of it.
Above all, don't listen to the people that have given up on you. Only you can know what you really need and want and until you find it, you'll just need to continue on that journey.
From my point of view, you still care with although you keep saying you don't care about anything anymore...
And that's the point isn't it?? You go through all of these troubles and pains because you still care about all of that.
I'm glad to read that you took this step, seeing a doctor and getting professionals help. If you can't trust your doctor, try to find another. 'cause no matter what you've got to trust your gut feeling. If you feel uncomfortable with your doctor find another one.
Keep going! I believe in you that you gonna make it.
Wish you all the best
No, i do agree on looking for someone else. I just rather someone who wants me to be upfront with them to be upfront with me. It just was unsettling and left a bad taste in my mouth.
As for just looking for perscriptions to get high, that wasn't the thought behind that line, i do not fake my depression or the panic attacks or lack of sleep... i been basically living off what my bf gives me and i think i need my own, that all.
Yeah try someone else. You'll find what you are looking for and hopefully you'll get the results you want. Depression is the worst thing to go through and a lot of people don't understand that.
I agree...try another therapist who is a better fit for you.
Maybe it's time to re-energize and re-invest in the other parts of your identity? Sometimes that can kick start a new wave of energy and positive emotions. Hang in there kid!
Thanks God you´ve finally found professional help. Probably it is not the best one you can found, but I´m sure that to start with, nothing
is ever as bad.
Hang on Erik! Do your best!
We all believe in you!
Hi james, I agree 100% with edmcan; If you do not feel comfortable with this one, change therapist, but when you find the one you feel at ease with you MUST be totally honest with him/ her. To help you get well he/she must know the naked truth, not a sugar coated, sanitized version. even if you think that your professional life is something that stinks; it is not. The person sitting near you and trying to help you come to terms with your doubts and insecurities is not there to judge you but to give you the means to cope with them.
So, my young far away friend, now that you have taken this big step in the right direction, persevere and remember that you are not alone, there are a lot of persons who root for you, James.
My best wishes and my prayers will be with you,
A big Hug, kiddo.
Bruno
After reading your blog for a couple weeks, I can honestly say that I believe you're both a beautiful man inside and out.
Please don't give up Mr. Rhodes, things will get better.
A long time fan and a long time reader but a first time poster.
I think if you don't feel comfortable with this particular doctor, you should find someone else. Every doctor has their own strengths and weaknesses. However, I also think it's important that you've at least try to give this doctor all you've got before you run to a different doctor.
All this negative feelings you have toward the doctor could possibly be a self-defense mechanism your mind trying to pull on yourself at the thought of having to tell someone your secrets. It's like coming out of the closet. Even with someone you might have known for so many years, it's still hard and uncomfortable. Maybe this doctor isn't so bad. I mean you just met the guy and it might just take sometimes to get there.
Don't do something rash that you'll regret, or someone who love and care for you will. There is still someone who will miss you if you were gone; someone will miss you, not as Erik Rhodes, but as James. Ask edmcan.
Perhaps a hobby will elevate your mood? I'm current fun-employed so I decided to cook through the Betty-Crocker cookbook, just like in Julie & Julia.
Well hope things will look up for you. If not, a friend is only a click away! Thanks to computer, hehe.
The following is a link of certified sex addiction therapists within 5 miles of Chelsea:
http://www.iitap.com/find_csat.cfm?state=&zip=10011&radius=5&country=&name=&user_ip=76.208.170.41&submit=Show+Results#
This website may prove helpful:
http://sexhelp.com/
Erik, your pain is palpable. It might seem hopeless now but it will get better--it always does. You seem like such a great guy with so much to offer this world. I have been there when getting out of bed has been nearly impossible. All you can do is surround yourself with positive, healthy people that care enough about you to kick your ass when you need it and help you up when you are down.
I hope you find your way in this world--the path there at times seems insurmountable but when you look back, you are glad you went through it.
WOW.... i want to get into porn so bad... guess there really is a lot more to think about then i thought.. made me rethink a lot with your post didnt think it could come out bad but guess ya never think about that... really hope things get better for ya and just keep looking up your cute and well never saw your movies but i'm sure talented to ;)
~Dana~
Talk with me some time. My email is bourgtai@gmail.com.
I'm a good listener.
Your on the right track. The fact that you can retain a sense of humor through all this is a good sign things are going to get better.
Of course its going to be a bumpy ride. Thats life, and you recognize this.
I get that you didnt connect with this guy and thats understandable. Your (anyones) natural response is to not share all, its self preservation. Once shared, your vulnerable to his words. But part of you is willing to try something new and to seek out some professional advice. Thats cool. The desire to live and to heal is stronger than the desire to destroy and give up. A plant is tender when is starts a new root but its push for life, one day ,transforms itself into strength and beauty.
I keep seeing a theme with some of your posts about how deeply you regret, and how low you spirit feels. Then there are many references to things of a higher power. I have no idea as to how you were raised as a kid, or to how you regard such issues now, but it just keeps appearing again and again in your writings so its worth talking about.
One thing for sure, that you have shown true humility and sorrow for the acts that you have done and that in my interpretation there must be forgiveness in return . It only makes sense. And things don't have to be formally verbalized , the true intent of the heart is always louder than words can utter. Thats a load you no longer have to carry and an important one to acknowledge.
I only bring this up because you have referenced it so many times. Even look at your homepage with the stained glass dove. Your trying to communicate something . "Sometimes I wish I believed it God, then I could pray for another chance." When I saw that, I thought, wow, this guy is on a journey. And the answer, gathered from all that you have written, is that on some level you do believe, that at some time you did pray and that by all means you do have another chance. In fact hundreds chances,and plenty more to come, just there for the taking.
The next time your in a book store it would be a cool idea to try and find a book that would build up your spirit, because that is an element that is badly wounded right now. Just look for something that speaks to you on a deeper level. You will know it when you see it.
Makes you pause. You think ah, incredibly handsome guy, has it all together and then you find that like everyone, he has his own set of troubles. I think the bottom line is this. You are stronger than you think. No one can pull you down but you. And trying to pour love into someone who doesn't appreciate you is like trying to fill the bathtub with the plug not in the hole (insert obvious joke here). You never can and eventually what was hot (the water; your relationship) becomes cold. At this time, you turn to your friends. Your true friends will not judge you or tell you I told you so because they already know that you're harder on yourself than they can ever be. The b/f may have his reasons, but being mean and passive aggressive is no solution. Stay strong and spend times with the ones who love you. (God I sound like an ABC after school special or Depak Oprah, but it's true).
Be grateful. You're hot, white, got a big weenie, you're still young, you live in a first world country, you got hair on your head, you have your health, etc. etc. etc. Emotions are temporary and I should know, a bipolar person who tried many times to kill himself. Time heals wounds, and a positive mindset heals everything.
Take part of DoctorEurphoia advice into consideration. I LOL'd at his description of you. You are hot, white and someone who has a big weenie
Psychologists don't care about Weenie, unless you're talking to a Chelsea Doc. They usually care about the sake of your well being.
Best of luck.
James:
I don't think you wanted the prescriptions to get high, but I think the shrink thought you wanted them to kill yourself. That's why I said those little 'jokes' about the gun, etc., don't fly with them. Be honest, as I said and it will work out. Your last note sounds much more rational. Hang tough.
dude, your not a bad guy. I think you're being way too hard on yourself. There are people out there killing people, stealing, lying (ruining their families lives by doing it), spreading stds etc. Just take the steps that you think would make you happier in your life, and start that way. Even simple little steps work. Helping others is always a good thing as well. <3
Eric,
I have been there before myself. I hope you are able to work things out and I am willing to help in whatever way I can, even if it is only to listen. When people are in the place you appear to be at, sometimes the best medicine is a real person to listen and talk.
Bert
Just keep in mind that meds aren't supposed to be a permanent thing. They're a stop-gap to help control symptoms while the two of you sort out the root of the problem(s). That being said if he is completely unwilling to break out the prescription pad when it seems obvious that these things have helped you in the past then you should definitely seek someone new to help you. I don't agree with what's been said, that a therapist won't judge you. They certainly will, people always do judge. What they must not do is stop at that judgment. You're not just a walking talking penis, you're a whole and complete person with all the terrible and wonderful things that comes with that.
I know what it's like to get to the point of not caring anymore. What was made clear to me is that sometimes we don't always have to care what happens to us. What we must always remember, though, is that someone else cares, and sometimes that's enough to keep us from taking that long walk off a short pier. I'm sure your boyfriend (for all the trouble that boyfriends can be) cares. I'd wager your brother cares. Those of us here who have taken the time not just to read your blog, but to respond, care. It's OK to dump on the ones who care about you, sometimes. That's how you can tell we care, we'll stick with you. Some burdens are just too much for one person, even someone as strong as you. Always remember that we'll be there to help. You're never alone.
My completely unsolicited, unprofessional (though experienced, and now reasonably well-balanced) advice is to get away. Travel a little bit in rural America, stay at some B&Bs, see the worlds largest ball of twine. Route 66 really is as neat as the movies make it out to be. Oh and Space Camp! Go to Space Camp. It sounds nerdy (and is a bit), but it's also insanely fun for adults. Travel alone or with your BF or with a few friends who you know won't bring you down. If you make it down to New Orleans, drop me a line. There's more to New Orleans than "go cups". I'd be happy to show you and whoever else around.
Karl, 25, New Orleans
Hey there, don't know too much about you except for this entry, which i sort of linked to by error or maybe not. I felt terrible that while you are obviously in pain, there are people who still objectified you, granted you have chosen to be in a business that is about objectification, the one thing that you cannot do is objectify yourself. You are more than what you do. Whether you believe in god or not, you are here for a purpose, and once you find it, i think things will fall into place. You obviously want to be loved, and i hope you are loving yourself a lot in the meanwhile,But you are 27 years old, things will change, life will change, things will get better. There may be someone around the corner that will change your life, so if you do anything stupid now, at 28 or 29 you may miss them. Fight through it as you've been doing. It all works out in the end. I was in a similar position at 27, at 28 i had the best year of my life, and now at 29, i have found my place in this world and it feels pretty awesome. I have friends I love, and it's almost a miracle i made it through, but man, i'm so glad i did.
It is somewhat obvious to see from your writing that you are suffering from a state of self-hate and denial. You go to see a professional to seek help with your condition and spend the entire time reflecting your emotional dislike and hatred on to him rather than facing those feelings within yourself. At least you tried to seek help. Unfortunately, I think you went to a psychiatrist when you should go to a psychologist. You cannot treat your condition (unless you are bipolar) with medication. You will never feel better as long as you treat the symptoms rather than the cause. From what I have read and watched of you, it is evident that you are ashamed of your career choice. Your side-step show at the doctor's office only supports this conclusion. I would also guess that you are ashamed of yourself and your life choices. Therefore, what I would suggest is that you find a really good therapist (psychologist) and not a psychiatrist and really speak with them about what is going on in your world. Hold nothing back and play no mind games. That time is for you to figure out you. What is it that you want to do with your life beyond being a pornographer? What will make you happy and complete? And it cannot be just having a boyfriend. You will not find inner peace by looking for another to complete your soul. I suggest you do not turn to chemicals or alcohol to cure your demons because they cannot. I hope you find the inner peace you are seeking.
One more thing to note... you are of the age to go through a Saturn return. Look it up. Depressing things happen, people like to make big changes in their lives at this time, and for those who live through it, they come out stronger, wiser. You'll be okay.
Wow... Who would have thought someone who seems like they have everything I could ever want, would be unhappy :-(
Maybe you should consider a change of career? (not that ide ever want that) Maybe there is something out there that you would love to do. I worked in that field for a very short bit. The money was good but in the end i just felt cheapened and it totally ruined my relationships and my view towards sex. It just took a toll on the the rest of my life. I am finishing up school this year.. and let me tell you its the best decision ive ever made.
Maybe finding something besides porn that really speaks to you, and that you love doing even if it means less money. Will fill that void in your life.
I hate to be blunt again, but I really think therapists are only there to treat people who lead otherwise healthy lives and are still depressed, and I simply don't feel like you are one of those people.
Bottom line, this is what you need to do to fix your life:
1. Get off drugs
2. Start living a healthy lifestyle..eat healthy, go to bed early and get up early (this will get rid of your insomnia)
3. Go to school and train for a career you can be proud of and that you can do when you're 60 years old, and that will give you pension benefits when you retire. (unless you want to be working at target until you're 85)
4. Get rid of all negative influences in your life...Druggie boyfriend and all.
That's basically it. But i know you're not going to do any of these things and you are going to continue bitching about how bad your life is until you either OD or commit suicide.
Personally, the best thing for you to do is to say "fuck it". Fuck what they think, what they say. I had a huge problem with the whole idea of being gay and was considering the whole secret lifestyle...Fuck it. I have started to accept the whole idea and it has taken a huge burden off of my chest bro.
Try to focus less on what other people think or say. At the end of the day, we are who we are, and other people's opinions don't matter--- no matter what.
Bro, hit me up if you need someone to talk to. Keep your head up high.
james.. i read this post again...
so.. seems like u went for help (great move) but u did not find it.. and besides u were not pleased with this doctor... so.. i personally think that u must not surrender.. definitely not! i mean.. it is one thing .. one person.. one doctor.. only one! not all are like him!!!! please save this on ur memory.. and another thing.. it seems like u are always looking help with pills and stuff like that.. why do not u try seeking help pills.free?? i mean a pshycologist.. u know.. the doctor that cannot prescribe pills or medication.. why do not u try it?? u do not lose anything.. and please do nottt hold back!! u said that u were like careful with the stuff u said.. do not that!! if u are going to talkk... thenn talk!! about everything!! i mean.. if the doctor is really professional. he/she won't judge u.. professional?? better yet.. decent! nobody can judge!! judging is so selfishh! please try this.. go to a psychologist and talk about everything.. it is a process.. do not expect to get better in a minute.. but if it works u will find relief.... i did... and please .. NO PILLS! please let me know how it went..
i wish u nothing but the best...
kisses...
pd: did u add me on yahoo?? (fl... 03??) my email is tongas226 just in case.. :)
it is psychologist.. sorry! forgot the word!!
Has it ever occurred to you that what you do for a living might be the cause of your depression?
Being objectified solely b/c of your looks as opposed to what kind of a person you are would leave any feeling human being in a state of funk. It just gets old very fast.
What will you do when you don't have your looks anymore? One day, you will get old(er) and won't be objectified the way you are now. I hope for your sake your prepared for that.
And btw, if you can't be honest with this shrink, find another one. B/C he can't help you if he doesn't know 100 percent of what is in your mind, as hard as it is.
You're suffering from clinical depression. You have all the signs and symptoms. My intense bouts of depression and anxiety (yes, they sound like opposites, but it's the same chemical problem) started in my mid-twenties and still persist today. Thankfully, anti-depressants and counseling have kept it in check. You can't do one without the other.
PS: If all of this is just a cry for attention more than help, then I've been punked. Best wishes either way.
These aren't uncommon feelings from someone in the industry. There are many people who often suffer from the same inward feelings. The best thing to do is find someone that can relate, and talk to him about how he copes with it all. Communication with someone is key regardless of their degree.
Believe it or not, you are actually on the way to recovery.
Let me put it in a way you might understand. You are like a 600-pound depressed man trying to blame his weight on a "slow metabolism or thyroid condition...etc." and trying to lose weight with pills without having to give up the large pizza, bucket of onion rings, milk-shake, and cheesecake for dinner.
Just like losing 400lbs, you are not going to fix your life overnight or with pills without first addressing the things that are causing your depressions in the first place. In order to "lose" weight, you'll need to give up the "pizza and cheesecake" or you're gonna be "fat" all your life.
Until you are ready to make the sacrifices, you are only going to continue being an unhappy, depressed, self-loathing person.
I'm also starting to think that your blog might only be for you to get attention...but either way, maybe our advice can help someone else reading this blog who is actually looking for help.
Good onya Joao, really enjoyed them huh...this guy is a cattle train pile up waiting to happen...bet your the kind of guy that runs to a car crash with a blanket. this guy needs help, real help.He actually needs to grow up and maybe do some active service in Samoa rather than all spill his " woe is me Im a hunk on the piss again" crap.
James, I know this will sound bad to the friggin' gay p.c. police on here but dude, go see a shrink who's not a fag. See a woman or something who specializes in GLBT issues (you'll be assured she doesn't want to bone you) and addiction.
Also if you are gonna get wasted come say hi, I'll be chilling at Urge lounge tonight and practicing my stand-up bits on unsuspecting bar patrons.
How often do you write? It seems to be an outlet for you. You could write short stories and/or long ones depending on your time. If not writing, do you have any other hobbies?
Pleae just kill yourself
Come on, Erik, wise up! I don't understand why you don't see that porno is an absolute nothing, a dead end. As they say in philosophy: Das ding an sich, the thing in itself is that guys like to see you get fucked in the ass. Period. Obviously you enjoy having guys see you get fucked in the ass but that's all that's there. I agree with what someone said here, you have to get some courage and just stop if you hate this life so much. But I have a feeling you don't hate it; maybe it's the only life you know or the only life you can imagine living. I have known so many porn actors (sorry, I can't bring myself to use the word stars) and they all fail to see that getting fucked in the ass-as hot as that is-is really nothing special, nothing to be proud of. A person who has sex for a living is not going to have a wonderful personal relationship with anyone, face it. How could you? I understand the depth of you pain but how much is self-inflicted? You are certainly the classic case of the narcissistic personality, most porn actors are; someone so deeply insecure that the only way they can validate themselves is to be filmed having sex. You must see that after awhile all porn actors begin to blur, it's just some body being fucked by some other body, it doesn't really matter who as long as the bodies are good. You are devalueing yourself. We are all commodities, as Marx said, but you have made yourself the lowest type of commodity. I think porn actors fail to realize that. Where do you go after being fisted by Francois Sagat, seriously? Bareback gangbangs like Carlos Morales? Get off this ride, Erik. You've been on it too long. If you want to get fucked by lots of differenet guys do it in your private life but get out of the freak show. Save yourself. You must believe that you are worth saving.
J:
Shame is what got you here. Not having permission to be you, or feeling that YOU are not good, just as you are.
Your career gives you some things that you can't get otherwise. It gives you attention, notoreity, money and an "interesting" life. In a way, it gives you value that you don't believe you possess inherently. It makes you "special" at least in the eyes of others.
It also piles more shame onto you.
You don't value the relationships you get out of porn. You don't value the people on here who follow you. Know why? Because they aren't based on the real James, and so automatically aren't worth anything to the real James.
They don't give you what you need, because its all based on a false self.
Perhaps this therapist had a bad attitude, or you just didn't click with him. I can understand that.
But if you are truly seeking a solution, be open. Be honest. Be REAL because thats the one thing I think you are most afraid of being.
Its work, brother. And every man has to do his own work.
All of your fears are based in a painful past, and some day, somewhere, you will be forced to deal with it.
You can't escape it in drugs, or in a lover, or in a thousand different interesting situations.
It will always be there until you face it.
It seems impossible, but you have to take just one step to start the journey.
Go back, youre doing this for you and no one else.
You really only need to do things that make you happy James. and finding out what those things are. maybe photography? ur own personal art therapy :)
(and hes ur doctor not ur parent hes not judgeing you but i wasnt there. i dare you to go back and call him out)
Find a very good, no-nonsense straight professional head-doctor. Stay away from the gay ones (I've never known anybody in NYC who had good luck with one of these dingbat gay psychologists or psychiatrists).
Err… there r so many things Id like to share with u. Maybe, they d help u some way.
First, I agree with what, almost everybody said here: If ure not comfortable, try another one. Did someone recommend him to u? Would be nice for u to find a psychologist whos also a psychiatrist… Try to see a doctor recommended by someone. Id even say, give this guy another chance if u think he deserves. U over analyzed the meeting. Judging and everything. You re not the doctor! And of course the first session its not easy! Open up with a total stranger n still be cool about it?! Not easy at all, it requires time.
U need to be patient right now, with everything. I know its hard but u have to try harder at least til u get some meds. They might calm u down.
The silly questions he made was to see how comfortable u are with some aspects in ur life. Like, not want to talk about what u do for living it’s a clear sign that u re not happy with what u do. We, readers know it, u know it and now he knows too.
What would u like to be doing? Remember: You re not what u do or did. And its NEVER too late to restart. U need peace of mind, and that’s what I wish for u.
Hope u re fine,
A.
Erik
Sounds like things are not good for you! Doctor sounds dreadful! Find someone who wants to help!!!! Your community is out here for you too, please try not to forget that too!!
Best
Simon
Everyone offering advice and opinions needs to knock it off. Erik/James' blog has been the same thing, month after month, for two years. It is a natural instinct for most people to want to help someone, but he is not going to take anyone's advice, that should be clear to you by now. When HE is ready to make some changes, then he will do so.
Dude, somehow or another I happened to cross your blog while screwing around at work and well, not working lol. Wow man, are you really this unhappy?
While I agree with the previous commentor about not taking advice until you're ready to make a change, I'd just like to add some insight. Being 29 right now, I've been through the bouts of depression and suicidal tendencies that I see you exude on your blog, but I went through it years ago and let me just assure you that there is a light at the end of this hellish journey.
1) You need to do some house cleaning bud, get rid of all the things that tie you down, all the things that make you unhappy and and remind you of low points in your life.
2) Re-evaluate your relationships. Do not be afraid to cut ties with people who you feel will not be beneficial to your happiness, and REALLY think about this one because some people you may think have your best interest at heart, really do not. Ditch the boyfriend, he's obviously so self centered and not interested in helping you out if he so eagerly tells you that when you were away for a week he was so great and he didn't miss you (that fucking floored me!) Did you ever think he may be treating you like you're a trophy boyfriend? So don't be afraid to let people go, you will always find someone else to befriend/date who will truly want the best for you in every way.
3) Knock it off with the drugs. Now I don't know if it's true or if it's the byproduct of big mouthed homos fueling the rumor mill, but the drugs gotta stop. The things they do to your body chemistry and brain are horrifying, and being a former meth addict, I know. I was never able to come out of the hole I dug myself until I made the concious choice to stop using.
4) Dude, if you hate the industry so much, then get out of it. Do something you want to do, something you enjoy or at least something that won't make you hate yourself after you've wrapped up another scene.
5) Last one, I swear and I'll get out of my Dr. Phil chair. Find a really good friend who is strong, who is looking out for you, and damnit latch onto them and make them your rock. Gain your strength from theirs, but don't make the mistake of latching onto a boyfriend, they come and go...a true friend will be there and let you draw your strength from their own until you're ready to do it by yourself.
That being said, reading your blog makes me want to drive from Philly to NYC and track you down and just hug you and tell you everything will be alright...I'm a softee...LOL
To read your blog is to read the words of an unhappy man. I wonder how you will find happiness when part of your stated mission in your profile is to destroy God. To me, that means to destroy yourself. I cannot figure out how serious any of this is.
My ship went down
In a sea of sound
When I woke up alone I had everything
A handful of moments
I wish I could change
And a tounge like a nightmare
That cut like a blade
In a city of fools
I was careful in clue
But they tore me apart like a hurricane
A handful a moments
I wish I could change
But I was carried away
Give me therapy
I'm a walking travesty
But I'm smiling at everything
Therapy
You were never a friend to me
You can keep all your misery
My lungs gave out
As I face the crowd
I think that keeping this up could be dangerous
I'm flesh and bone
I'm a rolling stone
And the experts say in delirious
Give me therapy
I'm a walking travesty
But I'm smiling at everything
Therapy
You were never a friend to me
You can take back your misery
Arrogant boy
Love yourself so no one has to
They're better off without you (they're better off without you)
Arrogant boy
Cause a scene like you were supposed to
They'll fall asleep without you
You're lucky if your memory remains
Give me therapy
I'm a walking travesty
But I'm smiling at everything
Therapy
You were never a friend to me
You can take back your misery
Therapy
I'm a walking travesty
But I'm smiling at everything
Therapy
You were never a friend to me
You can choke on your misery
Heard this and your post came to mind. Hope everything is working out better for you. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.
Ya know I'm on the same page as "BJ" I'm tempted to drive to NYC and give ya big hug, course I'd have further to drive coming from Baltimore. But what the fuck, it'd be fun and if I couldn't track ya down I could always go to a Giants game instead. E if I were you I wouldn't listen to the assholes givin you shit. Do whatcha gotta do, say whatcha gotta say but ultimately you are more in control than you realize and "doctors" only charge 100 and some odd bucks to basically point out the obvious. My experience is that one can channel misery and pain into something positive. Or at least something to laugh at later in life. It ain all that hard. If a closet case military queer can do it, so can a tortured adult entertainment performance artist.
Semper Fortis, E
Goin thru these comments I noticed "is really nothing special, nothing to be proud of. A person who has sex for a living is not going to have a wonderful personal relationship with anyone, face it. How could you?" so I say: BULLSHIT!!! If it's nothing special then why is it a multi billion dollar industry? I'll tell you why, because regardless of how dirty it is made out to be, it is dirt that everyone and their mother wants to have their hands in or on but no one wants to admit it so we throw our disdain for love of dirt on the artists (yeah I said artists!) who satisfy a long standing human need for sexuality. So "porn stars" are made to feel like trash for the service that ALL partake in due to the flaming hypocrisy of American society that stigmatizes sexuality. And douchebags write in to express how dirty, disgusting, and devalued porn stars are just before or after watching "Chitty Chitty Gang Bang" Hypocritical pieces of dog shit.
You can be spiritually and emotionally centered and sexually expressive, If only you stop believing the hypocritical fucktards who insist that you can't.
Manic-depressive, sexually compulsive, and drug addict; I'm going to be blunt and ask for the record -- You weren't molested as a kid, right?
Good Grief. Quit. Leave porn, stop trying to be your own worst enemy. You obviously don't have the emotional state to work within this field. You haven't learned the trade secret compartmentalizing and distancing your emotions from your work.
Your in a rut... you don't want to quit because of the money, but you are really f'd up from it. It is time to move on, and stop working in the front of the camera, learn a trade that works behind it. At least then you won't have the after effects of working in front of the camera.
"flaming hypocrisy of American society...", says the assassin on top of the bell tower. :-D lol!
No, porn isn't intrinsically bad and it doesn't mess up people who work within the industry...it just attracts those kind to the work. And therefore some will try the link the two. But in reality this is the proverbial chicken and egg scenario. Can't say for certain which explains the others existence. Maybe it IS society that is messed up? I don't think it has to do with puritanical ideals -- the puritans were a lot more liberal and crazy then the reputation that has been given to them by pop culture. It is lazy for people to ascribe this to just puritanical legacy.
There has been some dissent between the very open minded sexually people and the non. In Rome you had a General publicly berate the citizens for not having some sexual standards.-- This was a non-christian society at the time.
We are psychologically no different those people. The massively insecure groups of people who are so worried of what is correct in sexual appetite and attitude. Bottom line, if your essentially raping someone -- having non-consensual sex, this is the only excuse for sex being wrong. Other than that, in the grand scheme of things, why should we care?
I have looked at your blog quite a lot. I find it comforting that someone else has the same kinds of beliefs, doubts and worries as me, albiet under vastly different circumstances. I have however, gotten help, both medical and psychological. A free plug for the drug I am on, Effexor. It is amazing. I have generalised anxiety disorder and major depression. The best way I can explain it is it give clarity. You see straight and true. You can sort your shit out. You dont get depressed because you can better deal with what ever comes your way. You don't feel dosed up. Just clear. Plus, you actually have control over your thoughts... that was nice, to go to sleep at night and not have half a million thoughts all fighting for my attention. Things still to be delt with- comming out, my family and comming out, my friends and comming out, and me, liking me for me. Those come after I finish uni and get my life sorted out and a bit more stable. Hope things go well man. You could be a writer you know... I read your words and they are like poetry. By the way I had a dream about you. Not what you think... You were a pilot. Dunno why, you just had a little plane and flew wherever you wanted. You had fun. :)
James,
It is really sad to read all this. You are such an amazing person and to see chemestry in your brain affecting you so badly, it is heart breaking. I am sure you don't remember, but you mark my life and for that I will be always thankful.
God bless,
Frank
"So my life has been pretty boring lately. Its all just same shit new day. But i'm happy. I haven't even had my typical ups and downs and crazy mood swings. I've just been pretty mellow. No self abusive behavior. No drugs. Just James, the gym and alot of bad TV.
I think i've finally come to terms with being single and not needing someone else in my life just to get by. Granted i have met someone special, but i refuse to force anything. Just take it at all face value to avoid jealousies and all that other bullshit i dont need in my life. The best comment i've heard lately is "The only person that will never leave you is you" and that what i'm gonna live by. I need to be happy with who i am before i can be happy with someone else. But to be honest, i am pretty content with who i'm becoming.
A am thrilled that as each day goes by that the end of my porn career creeps closer. I'm questioning what is going to come next but i'm not scared. I'm actually pretty excited. The thought of having a real, steady life, is sounding better and better. I'm gonna accept it with open arms. I'm not impressed with the work that i have done so far, i'm sure in time i will be."
Hi... Looking ways to market your blog? try this: http://bit.ly/instantvisitors
I hope you read this James. Life is a gift we were given all of us make mistakes some cut the wound deeper than others, but that doesn't make them any less than those who just scartch. I read most of your blogs and I cried because I've been there, I've been in the position where my world came crashing down for my choices ive made I turned to drugs sex alcahol and than some, fuck I still fuck around but I don't do it to cover my unhappiness anymore I saw your video on you tube and I saw your eyes and they spoke to me, you don't need anyone to help you you need yourself and faith in yourself to make a new. Your past is your past and those who are important will reach to you I see you and I don't see a pornstar, drug user a bipolar monster, I just see a man that needs love but before you can get love you need to learn how to love yourself again your only 27 your still at your prime bro, don't allow yourself to be consumed of what society, the industry, fans wantyou to be. I know it's easier said than done but stop taking pain killers for fun don't look to that to fix you cuz yeah I can snort a rail and be bomb for the night pop a pill and I'm set to fuck to dance and just cover my unhappiness with it but when I wake up the next morning feeling like death and I'm on suicide watch it's like what was that for. I'm not any better I have so much of my own issues still pending but I see you and I just want to be there for you as a friend. I don't know you but I see an amaizing individual when I look into your eyes and you should not let anyone or anything in your past present and future hold you back from what you have a life time to achieve, I really don't want to go online one day and hear you killed yourself, it would break my heart cuz you have so much to do in life, change can always happen and it doesn't always have to be bad you just got to have faith and believe in yourself to make it good. Stop dwelling in your shifty mistakes, past desions and make a new plan yourself to do what you really want to do. I can see your amaizing now it's up to you to show the world how amaizing you know you are. Much peace and love to you bro, and if you do read this my email is christobar1@yahoo.com if you ever just wanna talk and shit. Hopefully
Today was the first time I ever saw Erik Rhodes in a film today was the last time I will ever see an Erik Rhodes film. Today At 11pm I finshed reading your entire blog, today i felt like I met James. If I ever have the privledge of meeting you, I want you to know from a senciere place in my heart and mind and soul you have a friend here, and even if we do not meet I will keep checking your blog and I will keep on commenting to let you know that good people really do exsist in this world you just have to let them find you. Once again just know you have a friend here. I don't know who Erik Rhodes is, when I'm in this blog, that's James speaking and maybe you've heard this before but I'll say it because it's my truth, but it's James I am interested in getting to know flaws and all, because no one is perfect we just have to learn to accept and love those for who they are and instead of trying to change the bad we just have to take the good from the bad and help them learn so they can help themselves. I don't mean to be all psycologist on you I just speak with respect and I give respect to those who deserve it. And you have my respect as a human being.
erik no matter wat i wil always believe in u. jus do wat u gota do to make urself better, n remember u dont hav 2 go through dis alone
Erik/James!
I'm sorry to hear you're still struggling.
I really am in no position to offer any kind of advice. I'd be a hypocrite if I did.
I do applaud you for actually going to see a doctor. That alone takes guts and will power. It's something I've yet to do for myself.
Don't count out professional help just yet. Just find a better fit for you, that's all.
The very best of luck to you, sir!
-Dean
Just had that Lady gaga song stuck in my head...
"Lets have some fun-This beat is Sick, I wanna take a ride on your DISCO STICK!"
GAGH!
Any advice you could suggest that would make me take this song out of my head. Besides using a silver bullet. `
Sorry to hear that you are suffering, from reading your blog I can see that you are far more than just a cock on the screen and very much a real person.
Sounds like you really need a change in your life.
I hope you find some understanding.
The best of luck.
alright my name is Eduardo I'm in the interior of Brazil, felt the same way that you feel ... when I'm medicated .. I take every day 5 tablets to alleviate this bipolarity ... anguish, pain, excitement is a blend that takes you from 8 to 80 seconds ... sometimes got very angry ... I have to live on drugs for life to live, I have to take these drugs every day, ask God? Why?? At this point I think I have it is a fact, the cure is not no more God gave knowledge to develop a guy something that temporarily relieves ...
I met you for his films, this is a fact, but as I read your blog, I began to see you as a person, and found it very interesting .. I'm rooting for you much better ... I hope to be happy ... you have taken the 1st step to healing expose their feelings and seek a solution to God.
before bed, today I will make a horaçao for you .... if you need to talk send an email ... eduardogucci@gmail.com
hugs
Isaiah 41
Thou whom I have taken from the ends of the earth, and called thee from the chief men thereof, and said unto thee, Thou art my servant; I have chosen thee, and not cast thee away. 10 Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness. 11 Behold, all they that were incensed against thee shall be ashamed and confounded: they shall be as nothing; and they that strive with thee shall perish. 12 Thou shalt seek them, and shalt not find them, even them that contended with thee: they that war against thee shall be as nothing, and as a thing of nought. 13 For I the LORD thy God will hold thy right hand, saying unto thee, Fear not; I will help thee
I read it when you feel alone
hugs
James,
I am living in Dominica Republic now. Reading your blog had made me want to reconnect with you. Drop a line when you have a chance.
Best,
Frank
(fjabate@gmail.com)
STOP DOING PORN!!!
i still think u should take a break and come to taiwan for a nice trip, ill show u around and all. it would be fun, and no one will judge u or anything over here :)
be happy!
Hey -
I like your writing - even if at times i find it very confrontational - i would like to profile you on my blog - not the porn star, but the man.
Cheers mate
Damien
http://2centsworthdownunder.blogspot.com/
James,
Please write something. Let us know you are ok. God bless,
Frank
Hopefully u'll find someone else who u can be completely honest with & who u don't feel is judging u. Ur blog is deeply disturbing -- I really hope u can find the help u so desperately need. Some people can do porn for a living & r fine w/it. U don't seem to be one of them. Stop concentrating so much on the way u look, dude!! Ur a smart guy & ur still very young. U need to think about making some major changes in ur life so u can start feeling good about urself for something other than the way u look. U have a beautiful brain -- use it to start urself on the road to a career u can be proud of. But get off the drugs & dump all the enablers & users u've surrounded urself with. Do it!!! A few months ago I happened to be walking behind u (& maybe ur boyfriend) on Eighth Avenue -- all heads turned as u walked. 2 fat queens in front of me practically swooned & one of them said he wished he were u so he could have that kind of effect. I just thought (after reading ur blog) . . . maybe not.
Ok Erik let's think about something other than your depression. Ok well, you're funny, good-looking, smart, independent, and you aren't handicapped, don't live in the streets, not missing any limbs..Your parents are alive, you have a whole future ahead of you...try to think of others misfortunes and you'll realize some people would die to have your "negatives." I mean... I don't discriminate but imagine being 5'3... Or 260Lbs, or having a 4" dick, or having an STD, or cancer, or being caught in a fire and living the rest of your life with scars people would hate to look at, or being crosseyed, or deaf. You entered this world and you must create your own existance. 27 years old, u can accomplish so much, I think u should have a job that helps other people, I think u just need to see joy and happiness in your life right now.
Same thing here. Just got started at this blog cause I'm heading for a meltdown...
Sometimes you feel like a nut... Sometimes, you don't!
Hi. The things that come to mind reading your blog is this: You probably feel alone right now, but this is my opinion and this is going to sound a bit weird...
Go somewhere nice on your own, so you can be alone, away from everyone else. Maybe on holiday on your own for a bit. The noise everyone makes is a bit fuzzy. You probably need to figure out what advice is good and what advice is bad.
It is possible that you need somewhere quiet to organize your mind and body.
I can only imagine what you are going through, but hang in there. In the end you will come through this, knowing that you struggled hard and you will be a better person at the end.
This is going to the weirdest bit I am going to give to you. Totally random this is, because I just thought of it. Again, this is totally strange and peculiar. I suppose I better say what it is. If you think this is wacky and hilarious, it would be really cool. Ok...
Imagine that you are swimming in a pool that is 50m. An Olympic sized one. It is freestyle that you are swimming, but you see a beaver coming towards you. The furry rodent animal doesn't stop and is about to hit you. But you stop and the beaver turns to avoid you. The beaver is carrying some leaves and twigs in his mouth.
I am thinking, "WHAT THE HELL IS A BEAVER DOING IN AN OLYMPIC SIZED SWIMMING POOL!"
You reach the end of the pool and see a vet on the poolside. She tells you the beaver escaped and wanted to run away. The beaver wanted to swim in the Olympic sized swimming pool because he wanted to swim 50m in under 20seconds.
You probably thinking, "HOW WOULD SHE KNOW THIS?"
The vet goes on to explain that she has been training the beaver for 4 years, but today the beaver escaped and wanted to do this on his own.
End...
Sorry, that was totally random. I realized this is not connected somehow, but I am just being weird and strange. It probably is connected. Is it connected?
You have to tell me if this makes sense or not. I was watching a Nature Program on TV, and it showed beavers, so it was on my mind.
You dont know me... but I love you man. hold on. this is life. it can get rough at times, but the only thing you can do is to hold on.
I think you need to talk to somebody who has been in your situation before. If you can get in contact with Belladonna (which honestly shouldn't be too hard at all), I think you should give her a call. You're obviously on the edge and you need to take a step back and that's hard to do on your own. The first thing you need to do is get out of your emotionally abusive relationship, no matter how much you think you need to make it work, you're just getting hurt.
Honestly, you don't know me, I don't know you and there's nobody who gives a flying fuck about that. Just honest advice that I really think you should take.
Hi Erik.
I like your notes alot. It's not difficult to hear that it comes from the bottom of your heart. I can read you, actually, from just a couple notes. It's sad but it's damn honest, and i would like to appriciate that.
Erik, dont jugde yourself to hard, cause it's not worth it. Stay away from everything that makes you feel bad, and hopefully you would be calm and happy.
I hope that mine couple words would make you feel just a bit better, but i know that it won't. Because words are not "alive" there are just standing here and looking at us. You need people in your life, good and understanding people. I hope you will find them. :)
The biggest hugs from an understanding soul. ( and by the way sorry my english )
James, you are nuts but I am enjoying this train wreck. I think in the same way your are so narcissistic that you need to have others constantly see you get fucked you need us to hear you rant about how you hate doing porn. Don't you really think that getting fisted by Francois Sagat should have been your swan song to porno? Erik, you apparently do have some sense of self-awareness, find a good shrink or support group and get a real job and a few good, true friends. You must know you are destroying yourself.
Erik remember: Each difficult moment has the potential to open your eyes and open your heart. Best wishes!!!
Hector said...
Ok first I never thought you'd feel like that this but remember your greatest enemy is yourself. Only you can stop you. Nothin in life is easy and we deal with certain situations in our own way whether it helps us or not. At first i didn't feel the need to write this comment and maybe you won't read it and pass through it like its nothing. I'm 20 years and haven't had a great life either.This difference between us isn't the money,cars,media or fancy houses. The difference is I have great friends who support me in everything I do. From what I read it sounds you like you could use some new friends. I know how it feels to have hours that aren't so bad and hours when I thought I couldn't make it through. I sorta like this blog cuz it reminds me that just because your a celeberty doesn't mean your happy. I hope things get better and it'd be cool if you responded to this so i can get a response to how you feel about what i said. Like I said maybe you won't read this because it seems long or because it's not interesting but i hope you do. my email address is bundy251988@yahoo.com.
Honestly you are in the wrong business if you want to find someone honest to talk to. The entertainment industry is full of superficial people who just care what you look like. You also need to stop looking for the hottest guy in the room to talk to. They will only tell you what you want to hear to get in your pants. I have always been straight forward and honest with people. Thats why I am getting my masters in counseling to help others with their problems. I am not sane by any means but I realize my issues and work through them. I also surround myself with balanced people who have normal priorities. I am not trying to be judgemental at all but just trying to help you out. If you ever want to just have a talk shoot me an email. physed5000@hotmail.com
Stop trying to dethrone your Creator and humble yourself before Him. The problems we face in life are not His fault but our own. He has done everything He can do to reach out to you! What are you waiting for? It's as if you are willing to give everything a try except for Jesus of Nazareth; The humble Rabbi who took on our sins so that we can get a free pass into the Eternal kingdom of light and love! Submit & humble yourself before Him who humbled Himself for you when he died naked on a cross like a common criminal....though He knew no sin! If you will call out to Him with a broken and contrite heart, He will hear and answer. TRUST ME! I KNOW FROM EXPERIENCE...AS DO MILLIONS OF OTHERS! But you must come to the end of yourself and your sin....loving Him more than the air you breath! TODAY is the day of salvation! Shalom....
Hey, try this, if you're done with yourself, you can't even look at your reflection in the mirror; it's time to do something for someone else. Make it an hour to do something good for someone else, then make it a day, then a week, and you will see, that it's you who's standing in your own way, blocking the way to enjoying which is in front of you. Just move over and let yourself be good, feel good about who you are, there's nothing wrong with you, except for the repetitive thoughts you let yourself be a victim off. It's those thoughts you need to get away from, there's nothing wrong with you!!!!!!!!! I believe you're a neurotic human, like the rest of us. And, it's usually the more intelligent ones who have the trouble of accepting themselves, so this said, you're intelligent, you write and express yourself very well. You obviously have a physical intelligence in which you can make your body do many beautiful things, many of us only dream off. Just the work out itself must be a great feat to keep your body. So, chin up, and forget yourself for a while, by concentrating on someone else. Take care.
WOW...
Your blogs are amazingg !!
They're so full of feeling <3
wow... wait does this mean your not a pornstar anymore..
Im confused :S
Ive gone through loads of fucked up shit too Erik.. If ya want im here to talk :/
( ryanvinent94@hotmail.com ) <3
Hi Eric, you seem like a good person under a lot of stress. you are a strong person and i believe in you on matter what to only know someone from reading is tough but i feel you will always get that second chance. stay strong my friend and if you a friend even though i know we dont know each other you can always email me at actingthrulife@yahoo.com or rynoissophat@gmail.com and you do know god. no matter if you black or white, or gay or straight i want you to know you are not weak you are strong and i Believe in you.
...i feel akward writin on this post..but i couldnt help it..reading ur post almost makes me wanna cry..im a bout to turn 21..n i have felt like this so far my whole life..because i cant b who i really am..n society condones it...i feel alone as well..i have cried going to sleep because i dont kno what my future holds...n what iam going to do..but ERIK i kno it must be hard for you...i wish things could be easier for you..you shouldnt care if people dont like ur blog..because it can help others..N u r not alone there are thousands of ppl who r going through similar situations..n there r ppl who care bout u ..n one who loves u unconditionally n thats GOD..i kno how u feel bout this..but i have had many good spirital situations n dats who keeps me going..things dont come the next day but it will juss have faith..n dont harm yourself..u can get through this...dont let those bad spiits get to your head...Take care n God Bless...Keep your head up...
The next time you find yourself holding back on saying anything (and only to a doctor, therapist, whoever!) try and remember this ... no one cares so much.
I don't write that to be spiteful. I'm sure that everyone who writes a comment here, after such a heartfelt post, feels that they care about you, and maybe they do. But if you took each of us aside at random, multi-hour intervals, after having read this, and asked us what we were thinking of, the subject is very unlikely to be you. I can tell you that for me, anway, the subject will revolve around me.
Although it seems unmanageable the way that it is, your life is not so extraordinary to anyone else aside from yourself. Jesus, the world is extraordinary in it's ordinariness. So don't hold back. Say everything. Tell everything. The only person that will benefit is you. The only person to loose out from doing so, is you.
The doctor could care less, in six hours, when he's at home with his partner and kids, or whatever, about whether you are an adult entertainer.
I hope I speak for us all when I say that we do want you to get better and feel better. There is an old adage that is a cliche, only because it's so fucking true ...
The truth will save you. And only every time. SO FUCKING TELL THE DOCTOR EVERYTHING.
*jeeze*
You ARE beautiful, Erik.
Don't ever let anything make you think otherwise. You were put here for a purpose.
the way to win is by beating what gets you down, and then make yourself come out on top. the problems are below you, and then you can start to forgive yourself.
I doubt I will forget much of what I did, but I can definitely forgive myself for much of it.
I see part of your blog is missing. Are you shutting it down. Getting over this stuff. Because its over? I hope you won't forget the fans. It's been nice fitting you into my overactive imagination.
You had me at your looks. In my head, you took down names and kicked some ass. You carried lots of guns like Arnold in T2 and started blowing shit up.
You gave a thumbs up when I killed you dramatically in my head (Hey I was telling myself a story where you died because you fought for something. You bro, your family, your Boyfriend; And you won, but the bads guys didn't want you alive)
I was sad to see you gone, but I thought of other ways to keep you alive. You are a role model.
I hope you're around. Getting some honest work and not the work around by some nasty queens who want you to bareback without condoms-ugh!
Well, this is sort of a send off for me. I tried to think of ways to say hello, but I couldn't think of anything. This works both ways, because its like a Hi and Goodbye.
Good luck in anything you do, and I hope your life is better than us fat, lazy slobs (queens).
how r u?
get angry! get livid! make those thoughts crawl to the thick of your skin..
fight them! with POWER!
james, you know what you want! a clean, free, happy and healthy life!
stop letting those who dont understand in!
you arent alone!
YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
we fight this alone, but each of us who gets tho words that matter so randomly.. we know that friends and family are watching and supporting!
good choices or bad,
we WANT good choices.. but when we make bad choices we need to react and make ourselves GOOD again.
we learn to be GOOD!
GOOD PEOPLE!
then we forgive and maybe not forget, but forgive.. and that takes time..
the recovery PROCESS isn't easy..
but i've done it james..
I pulled 36 days sober.
but theres nothing in me that strikes you enough to believe.
look, i even got a bloody nose..
and i havent done drugs in a long, long couple years.
make good choices, connect with good people
PLEASE
fuck?! wtf is going on?
James dear,
Congratulations on taking some very difficult steps. I agree whole-heartedly with edmcan.
Your Aunt Barbara
Dear Erik, dear James... Who knows ?!
As a newcomer on your blog, I'll make it short, so that you won't fall asleep after 300 lines of metaphysical considerations...
And, by the way, I apologyze for my poor english : I'm french afterall (it's the only excuse I've found ) !
Well,
At first, you should give news from you lazy boy : the last post is dating from september... scandalous !
More seriously (not too much !) I've been sincerely hit by your blog. But not suprised. Many boys doing the same job as you, are encountering the same syptomes. I know manies in my relatives.
It does not help to be aware of it, but you don't have to feel guilty about it : it's a disease. No less, no more.
And the only therapy for this is chemical. One century of psychiatric work on bipolarity proves it.
I know that behind, you're suffering from more "existential" problems... But even if things are connected (bipolarity, panic attacks, lake of sleep, self-estime, way of life...) you have to choose an angle of attack to start the battle.
Tell me, do you you still practice self medication ? Why don't you try a psychiatrist to do the job ? A one you would feel at ease with of course... That is the first step, the rest will follow. Do not ask yourself too much at the beginning : as an athlete with a wounded leg can't win the olympic games,
you can't change your whole life from one day to another. No one can. Even you "superman" ;)
Ok, I stop here for today, or I'll start to be boring (too late !)
Hope I'll read you soon... By the way, you write fine : you're not only handsome, you're smart and sensitive. Great trump for a rich life... That's for your self estime, but sincere !
Wow! I get some of this I really do. Things can be very tough in a gay mans life. I hope you get through it. I really do.
hey, your cute, i dont mean that in a patronizing way, but...you're cute.
I Googled your name just curious about more pics and bio information and found your blog. No one can really understand what you're going through. And to be honest, I was surprised to read about your challenges. Bottom line, we're all human. Hope you find what you are looking for and need.
Hey, if you need some time off, let me know. Boring Copenhagen would be great for u and I have a guestroom.
I am suprised by the hostility of some of these comments, especially since you are just being completely honest. That alone takes a great deal of courage.
I have suffered from bad, bad panic attacks and know it's hell---it feels like you're having a heart attack. For me, being on Lexapo for a little while really truly helped me pull it together.
Hopefully you will focus on some of the more helpful comments people leave! It sounds trite, but HANG IN THERE!!! Sometimes the hardest part turns out to be simply asking for help.
reading what u said (this post), in this situation, just do not drink! it will kill u. thats what i had to say... hope it will help u again ;)
After reading that post, I have to say - a big, warm, loving, virtual hug. No questions. The answer isn't in alcohol. You did a brave thing by taking the first step in therapy. Please give it some time; a month. Then decide if it is not for you or if you prefer a different therapist? I don't consider you a scumbag at all. And you are far better than me. How? At least you have a boyfriend. I don't. :)
Hey. I really do wish you a big warm glow of love. You really do deserve it. And if the tone of my post made you over the edge from it, I'm sorry.
sry for this but i cant tell everything i want in english, because my english sucks, so i've decided to write in my language (Lithuanian) and if you want u can translate with google translator or so.
Erik, perskaites tavo post pagalvojau, kodel tu vis dar gyveni su savo vaikinu? jeigu jis tau atvirai sako, kad taves nepasiilgsta? taip pat siulyciau keist terapeuta, jeigu jis tave nuveda iki tokio lygio... Baisu, zmones degraduoja, o man taves gaila, nes tu degraduoji kartu su jais, teisingai vienas vaikinas pasake "jeigu tau nepatinka sitas darbas, keisk ji...", tai tiesa, jeigu tu saves nekenti saves del sio darbo, susirask toki, kuriame tu jausis komfortiskai arba bent busi tarp tikrai geru zmoniu. Toliau, tavo problema narkotikai, mesk juos, nes jie tave suzlugdys, psichiskai ir fiziskai... Negerk, tapsi priklausomas, rukymas dar pakestina, o isgert tik retkarciais arba svenciu progom.
Erik/James, tu geras zmogus (taip mano sirdis jaucia), vos pamates tave internete wikipedia.org is kart panorau suzinot apie tave daugiau. Perskaites daugiau, nepatikejau, kad tu porn star... Bet jei tokiu nebutum, nebuciau as taves pazinojes (netesiogiai aisku). Aisku, as tau aiskinti negaliu, daryk kaip pats nori. Apkabinu. Sekmes. Your'e the best.
You sound so lost. And because you're lost you are sad, because you're sad you are in pain. I don't know you and you don't know me, but from one human being who was in similar pain to another going through such pain, I want you to know that you are loved. Your are too loved by the whole of the world to take the chicken shit way out. The world doesn't love you for your face, your body, or the entertainment you give, but the world/universe loves you as a human being. They don't want you to suffer and be in pain because you're a person just like all of us are with our own individual lives.
From this little crack of your personal life that you have allowed me/strangers/the world to see into the real you (your blog), I would suggest you need to go on a spiritual journey of some kind. If you were Native American I would say you need to go on a Vision Quest. If your were an Aborigine, I would say you need to go on a Walkabout (from what I saw in a TV show, it is where you just start walking on a journey interacting shortly with whom ever you meet before continuing on your way until, you walk into/meet yourself again and have a talk, I guess a place where Erik meets James). Of course I don't know if there are any Shamans or Aborigines in NYC to guide you, because you would need a guide. Maybe instead, you could go to a Shaolin Buddhist monastery, stay with them for a week or two and learn how to meditate. Meditate on opening your heart and mind to the signs in the world around you. I think there is a monastery somewhere in NYC. A 90's documentary about Shaolin monks moving to the US said one or two setup a monastery in NYC. I just don't know if they are still around, with NYC changing like every five years.
When you come back, find a better psychologist/therapist that feels right to you, as they all have different approaches to helping people. Talk to them about working on you with your past. You don't need to forget you past as it is a part of you. No matter how shitty the things you went through, no matter how shitty the things you did were, it is a part of you. BUT, it is NOT who you are NOW. Only a WEAK person complains about the past, as it is something you cannot change. You are too strong of a person to be that weak. Your therapist should work with you on accepting/learning/forgiving/moving on from your past. Accept the past for was it is and what happened, know that no matter what you do you cannot change it it has already happened. Learn from your past all the lessons/knowledge/ and wisdom you can from it. It will help you make you a better person by not making the same mistakes you made in the past. Forgive yourself for your past, don't forget it (your past and the people in it won't forget you). You have already shed enough tears for it, so forgive yourself for it. You need to remind yourself that, that is who you WERE, who you USED TO BE, it is not who you are NOW. (And maybe atone or offer an olive branch to those whom you feel you have wronged.) Then all that will be left will be for you to do is, move on with your life. Move on to be and do what ever it is you want to be and do. Knowing that it is you who decides these things not your shitty past.
When you look for signs open your heart and mind to them being anything from a kind gesture to a song or TV show rerun. I got a sign to leave this comment from a song playing over the PA at my work. I was thinking should I or shouldn't I and then I heard a chorus "Signs, signs, everywhere there's signs ... can't you read the sign." So here I am. Trying to reach out and help a fellow human being who I will never meet and never get to know. Hoping that my words ring true and sincere, letting you know that you are too loved to want to harm yourself and be in such personal pain. Then again, what do I know. I'm just some guy (with out a psych degree) across the country trying to help a fellow human being.
http://tinyurl.com/ybokzku
ITS YOUTUBE ASSKICKING TIME!
你的部落格不錯哦，支持!!!!@@ ..................................................
Hey Erik,
I recently came to know about your blog and even you. I have become a fan of your work and now that I see that you have a tender heart inside this imposing exterior, I like you more.
I have started accepting my sexuality recently and have met this guy, whom I have fallen for badly.
I kind of get this feeling that I understand what you are going through and the emotions. Sometimes I also feel the same way that the other person does not care about me. I do not your exact situation but there is this saying in Hindu holy book "Gita" -
"Whatever happens, happens for good..."..
Try to reach out to your boyfriend, explain him what you are feeling ..if at all he doesn't care then that means you are already living in an outlived relationship and get out of it.
You will find someone ...and do not blame anything on your profession. You are earning your livelihood, there are people out there who do all sorts of thing even take lives ..and if you do not like your profession then quit ..start afresh but please do not resort to pills ...this is a slippery road and once you fall there is hardly ever returning back ..
take care,
I wish and pray that you find peace and love ...
I stumbled on your wikipedia article clicked your hyberlink to your blog and bam I heard puscifer and was glad it was playing. Listened to your playlist to which I have you have to say you bad-ass playlist and you gave me Florence + the machine. The Howl is an awesome song. Also because of your blog I made my blog. Thanks man. You live a life most dream of and yet it seems unlivable. Consider yourself lucky that you can influence many and that others can learn from experiences. Not that it means anything but I never heard of you or what you do and I don't care because your at least trying to improve your life with that your already way ahead in the game. We already live in world where we are ridiculed, and treated like second class citizens. Don't let yourself go because life as miserable that it may seem its not worth losing. You are not lost don't think your light is dull because it still shines in the darkness and is seen guiding those who look for it.
well, i have to admit: it was a very wise decision to put an end to this blog. not that i didnt like it, on the contrary but, u were over-overexposed, u know.
hope uve had the chance to make some good virtual friends, use some of the good advices and get to know urself better.
im gonna miss reading ur posts.
hope ure FINE.
all the best from the heart of a simple young man,
H
p.s. dont disappear.
Hey man, I've read some of your posts and in all honesty, I think you are looking for something more. I'm not sure where you are in your spiritual journey or what your beliefs are, but I think that's a path you should consider. I have been down the path of destructive behavior and self loathing and I got to the point where I wanted to kill myself. But after self reflecting, I realized I needed to ask for forgiveness and be saved. I had considered myself a hardcore atheist in the past and to change from thinking that life is only party and eventually die to thinking that life has a purpose and that there is eternity to look forward too that is far more better than this crummy life, was a huge shock to me. Its obvious you want help and you are reaching out to someone. Reach out to your creator (For I know the plans I have for you. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you , plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11.. He doesn't care what you've done as long as you ask for forgiveness. I hope for the best in your life and I hope you take a leap of faith. What do you have to lose?
WE LOVE YOU JAMES!
Look at all these people giving you thoughtful advice and insight. Your not alone buddy. Update your blog and let us all know how your doing.
Stay strong!
xxc
BE A MAN STOP COMPLAINING..... BE GREATFUL YOU HAVE TWO LEGS TWO ARMS AND ARE BREATHING..... BLA BLA BLA YOU LOVE TO FEEL SORRY FOR YOURSELF
DO SOME CHARITY WORK AND SEE HOW OTHERS LIVE...MAYBE YOUR EYES WILL HOPEFULLY SEE THAT YOUR LIFE IS NOT THAT BAD
SORRY BUT I DONT STAND FOR THOSE THAT DONT TAKE ACTION IN THEIR OWN LIFE
YOU HAVE THE POWER TO CHANGE THINGS
COMPLAINING GETS YOU NO WHERE ...AS YOU CAN SEE
This is kind of weird because I don't know you at all, but I read your latest blog about seeing the doctor. I think, if you're truly suffering and you truly are looking for help in the non-self-medicating form; you should print out all these blogs you've written, or maybe a diary you've kept, and hand it over to the next doctor you see. It seems to me that you were hesitant to tell this doctor about your career, and, for whatever reason it became an issue when it was brought out in the light. Now, I've been in situations where it's extremely difficult for myself, to come out and tell a professional intimate details that you know people will judge you for. It'd be easier to break the ice with the doctor if you show him these words, rather than the ones you have to come up with (or hide) face to face, in the appointment. It may be sound crazy to do, but it helps. Well whatever you do man, hope it works out for you.
Something is weird here. There's a post under my name that I didn't write. If you actually read them, then you know my turn of mind.
Maybe someone is sabotaging your blog. Or at least found a way to post using my name. Watch out. If things turn nasty, be assured it's not me.
The name link connects to someone named Edwin. You may have to block this guy and/or (sigh) maybe even me.
I suggest that you pounce on this because in cyberspace things can get out of hand at the speed of a geometrical progression.
Edgar
edgar2prado@gmail.com
Dear Erik,
You still have an underlying strength about you, that I see that you yourself may not yet be aware of, so please continue to blog and share your thoughts, for I care. The world is still a caring place, if you know where to look,so please, stick to those whom truly care for you; and cherish them.
If you should need to speak to someone, to share your: thoughts, your hopes and dreams, and to just be yourself without any judgment or need some advice; then please talk to me. I'll help you.
You can find me on facebook or on most other social networking sites, (my name is Marcel Duvoix)or you can just google my name, and there you'll find other ways of contacting me.
My email that I most often check is: royalpatron@yahoo.com, however, if you send me an email, to avoid it be spammed, please identify yourself clearly, so I know who it's from, without mistakenly deleting it.
All the best to you Erik. Sincerely, HRM King Marcel Duvoix (Author of the book: "Holy Legacy)
Billybrown shut the fuck up. thanks.
in 2008 There was a whole police standoff outside my apartment because of concerns I was going to kill myself. My friend who was outside trying to negotiate with them told me later that they were also very concerned on the gun question.
He said the paramedics kept asking him and double checking. The police he said were more concerned of whether or not I was a black guy. They apparently were much more relieved over hearing I wasn't.
anywayz, just thought Id share
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