Friday, August 28, 2009

Summer Rain

You know on a regular day to day basis, i'm always confused and trying to make sense of this life, my future, my relationship, but today is something i have never experienced... its been painful, its upsetting, its depressing, it basically has me sitting here without a clue of what to do. And if i do something, whats the point... now that everything is completely different.

I sware i'm being strong, but i feel all alone. Everything is once again my fault. I almost feel that i have no right to dry my eyes, i feel that everyone should see this pain, and hopefully believe my remorse. I'm so ashamed, its almost worth just giving up over.

Before picking up the computer and spilling these thoughts out of my head i just sat there... with 2 simple questions and one despreate plea going through my head, "How did i get here?', "Whats happens now? and "Please, please, if there is a god in the sky, please make this a terrible dream". Shockingly, no responce, no sign, no guiding light. If my boyfriend didnt know me as well as he does and had hid all the perscription candies i would have made my own guiding light right about now. Thanksfully valium has me pretty evened out.

Hold your breath and count to ten, then fall apart, then start again.

71 comments:

tibuRYX said...

Gaben, here:

Hey man, it's sucks being in pain. I'm in pain right now too. I overthink too much shit and go on with worry because that's how nervous I get.

I don't think about death because how can I tease my enemies with the thought of me dying. I'm alive and living it day to day. But you, my friend, are alive too. Living it up so one day, you can spit in the eyes of everyone one who hated you.

I'm not Twenty Seven. I have another year to go before I turn Twenty seven.

Well, I'm cooler than my writing leads you to believe. I go though some of the shit you experience, though everyone's experience is different.

My thought is, "Holy fuck, I'm almost 26 and still haven't done what I loved to do-write". I wake up with a gnawing disatisfaction in my head too, like someone is putting up a framed "You Suck" on my wall to let me know I do-indeed-"SUCK".

Well, I hope I didn't confuse you man. Because I'm fucking confused loon right now. I'm trying to think of ways to go about it. I like your work, and I'm strangely wanting to go work out in a gym more often than ever.

Billy Brown said...
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Cristián said...

Just in case it may help you. Some recommendations from similar experiences I had to what your path has been this past years.

Give it a try to some yoga practice.
As silly and as awkward as it may seem or feel at first. Just go easy on it.
Some meditation, too.
Start learning to look inside you.
You can even learn to do this (connect with your inner true self) while keeping to work out with weights, too.
Feel your body. Connect it with it.
Tune in with your true inner axis.
Rediscover yourself.
Nurture your true self.
Forgive yourself.
Then love your true self a bit.
Then try showing some respect to your true self another bit, too.
Let go as much of the inner anger as possible.
That comes from the past.
Let it go. Release it.
Dominate your ego.
Re-balance your self.
Avoid freezing, or getting stuck.
Keep the motion, keep in motion, but aim for constant balance as much as possible.
Avoid excesses and extremes if possible, to move in the direction of balance.
Try to connect with different new people than the ones you are used to interact with.
Challenge your comfort zones.
Doesn't have to happen all overnight.
Go slow, step by step, one day a time.

And avoid getting distracted by trying to make sense of the future. The future's not here yet. As such, it's unreal. It doesn't exist.
Don't get trapped in the past neither. The past also doesn't exist anymore. It was what it was, when it had to be. It is not here anymore now.
Escaping back into the past or forward into the future, will always end up spiraling you into anxiety and then depression.
The now is what we all really have, and the now is real and where is better to focus on.
The present time is the only time to build and to construct for real.
Start learning - again, slowly, step by step - to manage your mind to reeducate it to focus on the present time.
Start training yourself to tell your mind when to think and what to think, not the other way around.
And re-learn "to be present" in the present time.
Commit to show up. And show up.
Be there when you're needed, when you're required.
And try to be thankful for every moment of life gifted to you at each moment of the present time, as often as possible, and as you can, while you can.

Again, as silly as this all may seem.

Just give it a try.

:)

Spherical Time said...

You're right, being in pain sucks. I do the same things, sometimes, over-thinking everything and worrying.

Still, take care of yourself James.

Billy Brown said...
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Erik Rhodes said...

I'm so sick of people telling me to "stop being a drama queen" and to stop complaining. You know, i just have shit on my mind that i need to get out and if that someone how means i'm dramatic, then so be it. If it turns you off as a fan of my porn, then fuck it, don't be a goddamn fan. Jesus, i read the blogs every once and a while and shit from what i read everyone is basically over me to begining with so, shit, just stop reading if this blog if its a huge turn off. I can give a flying fuck less.
I'm just trying to live... and each day its hard, and sometimes its not so bad... but right now... well it basically can't get much worse, so if you hate reading about me crying and bitching and moaning and just basically talking about how i'm honestly one bad day away from killing myself, then stop reading now, Cause i'm sorry i need this right now, its like a friend to me, and if that doesnt make sense to you... oh fucking well.

dschoeni said...

I truly believe that human can always find a solution to their problem deep inside the heart. I think you need to try to connect to your heart.
Just try to consciously empty your mind and take deep breaths. As you're emptying your mind, your most basic instinct will surface.
I usually find the solutions to problems through this simple method.... It really help with the pain too. :D

There is always people who care for you, talk to them about your problem, and try to find the cause of it all. Then you can solve it and that prevent you from making the same mistake all over again.

Billy Brown said...
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epictetus said...

I sort of tripped into your blog. I rarely ever write comments to postings but I feel compelled to respond to yours. Shame is something we inflict on ourselves. There is nothing ever worth giving up for. Regardless of what happens or what one has done, there is always another chance. Do not dismiss the potential of the future . I am a healthcare professional and reading your posting makes me be frightened for you. Please, please if you are not already getting professional help please seek it. If you are so depressed or despondant that you feel it is worth giving up, please seek professional help. Opting out does not end the pain, it only transfers it to those you love and who love you. If you fee suicidal, please talk to someone, preferably a real human being in front of you, rather than our overhyped electronic communication.

edmcan said...

I realize that you're venting. How people can offer advice about something they don't know about, is beyond me. If you can be specific, then perhaps some constructive advice can be offered.

In the meantime, all I can say is that you have come a long way James-hold tight.

Felix Malmö said...
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Felix Malmö said...

Keep on fighting the demons. You'll get through soon.

regards,
Felix
>
>
>
>
>

tibuRYX said...
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den241 said...

Hey there
I don't know your real name
so Erik,

Maybe we are alike
You don't know me, I don't know you
you're not alone

Things will get better, maybe not in a day, a week, or a month
who knows, but in time

It will never go away, but you learn to cope with it.

A piece of advice: Do whatever the fuck you want, be whoever the fuck you want. If you don't like your life, change it and be happy.

Hurting yourself does not count. Neither is questioning yourself and your actions.

Jake Whitman said...
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epictetus said...

I chose the osername Epictetus because he is one of the greatest Stoic philosophers to hve live, he was also the tutor of Marcus Aurelius. Stoic philosophy can be roughly translted into: Play the cards dealt you, and play them as well as you possibly can. Hang in there.

Da Slickness said...

Erik-James..

What happened that has you feeling this way ? I know your wanting to vent and express how your feeling but maybe if you clue us in, who knows we might be able to help you or give you a new perspective on things.

And like others have said, if people don't wanna hear you vent or talk about your life then why even bother reading the blog ?

Jamil said...

Erik:
I highly doubt you read all of this but what the fuck. I've seen you at the gym sweating it out- looking mad as hell. I really believe you can work through it. Quiet-it's-kept you really are quite the sex symbol, you have a lot to offer not only the world of adult film (as you've proven time and time again) but whoever it is you have an interest in. Please focus on that for now. You're good at what you do and you're quite a catch- and frankly I'm crazy about you so don't do anything irreparable!

Darío said...

I complete understand what you´re feeling. "It´s like a friend to me" . . . that is exactly the way I feel every time I go through your blog. Do I have friends? Yes, I do. But no matter how much I analyse I do it again and again . . and I don´t know why. Nobody ever will.
Don´t give up yet! There´s always an emergency exit, a fire scape, a way out to better place.
It`s doesn´t matter what other pleople think
Be strong, you´re all you have
Everything will be alright
I believe in you

Your friend

Packerjock said...

James--I've been following your blog for a long while and finally signed in, and thought I'd respond. You have every right to vent, and feel pain. Somehow you have to find a way to trust that it is temporary, that you have every right to be happy. I would never make light of this, because I understand. When people have told me to "JUST DO IT" in order to get over something, I never understood that. It doesnt work for me. You are a deep thinker, so you will always have conversations going on inside. Just keep trusting that YOU CAN BE HAPPY. You already know you are a good man, and if you allow it, you will let people like you for who you are. I hope I can chat more with you sometime. I BELIEVE IN YOU JAMES.

jq2002 said...

James, it is quite a long time I have not written any comment to you. I just have one, Thank God you have met an even-headed guy who evidently loves you and tries to help you overcome your dark moments.And hides those damn pills.
So my young friend continue to fight back these periods of depression and self-deprecation, you have a family, a boyfriend, and you have done some good work you should be proud of (like the RB interview, it was Very interesting, especially the first half when you were still fully dressed, you let your guard down while answering the questions and you were just a young 27 y.o. normal young man, nor ERIK RHODES superstar.
Anyway, enough of babbling, and the best wishes that the dark days will become less and less frequent and you find your inner peace, You know, God exist and even if does not answer it does not mean it does not care , even about a Fucked up gay porn star as you depict yourself.
He has cared for the last 67 years about this insignificant gay fool.
and he still does.
A big hug dear boy,
Bruno

RiverRock said...
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RiverRock said...

Summer Rain.

There is a such a creative spirit of author, poet and "musician" with in you, and if people knew you more closely they would probably find much more in your personality. Thats awesome! Its a gift. Creative people are so important and vital to the whole of society. They are essential, like fine spices that add flavor to living.


So it doesn't surprise me at all that the creative soul wishes to express itself. I am sure that one small reason that you didn't want to give up this blog because of that and you may or may not have recognized it. What is so wonderful and helpful is your absolute honesty in the process and I think people see that your laying it all out on the table , and that's what makes your blog such a valid and fascinating statement. Its a real slice of life, it is real, it is expression, and it is wonderful. Every last emotion , from highs to lows, to hopes to disappointments , from struggles to triumphs, its all there, its all part of the human experience, and it is your truth.

There is no doubt in my mind that what truly lays beneath the surface is a gold mine, a treasure worth seeking and finding. Thats what's "Underneath It All". Thats what is hidden in your personality and life, and your on a mission of discovering that. Its not a terrible dream, it is though, a very rough road. You are in a sense recasting your very life, changing the total course of the ship, and its NOT easy, but it IS worth it.
So as the ship swings around and tries to find its wind and new bearings, there is going to be some really queasy stomaches, and some freaking huge waves.

I really liked the title you chose for this entry...."Summer Rain" . Its such a good symbol for things to come, and if you were to peel back the layers of pain that your now experiencing I really think this is the true expression of your inner self. Its not giving up, its not wanting to be ashamed, its not wanting to feel desperate. NO WAY! The inner self is putting up a huge terrific fight to live and break out into a better day. It has hope and courage and faith that its going to come. "Summer Rain"....don't you see it? Its there right before you eyes. A summer rain quenches a dry thirsty earth. It brings life to the dying and decaying. It washes all the dirt and soot off of everything and makes things new again.

There is such a great calm presence after the rains, the earth just bursting with new life, the air fresh with such a wonderful scent. And all of these things are great symbols for the process of your journey.

So .....James! Bless the Rains!!!
Hurry boy its waiting there for you!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jlyUE1S-pP0

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RdBcfRhzzA

Billy Brown said...
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Marc said...

James,

It's okay that you're fighting to keep your head above water. Sometimes that's the best you can do and nobody else can possibly know what you're going through. That said, the answer to, "How did I get here?" really isn't all that important. You made the choices you made and there's no need to second guess where you are. There's no need for guilt or shame -- the only meaningful judgment you'll ever experience is judgment of self. Give yourself a break because you deserve it.

While I can't tell you that one thing or another will fix things for you. Life rarely works that way. What I can tell you is that the "guiding light" you're looking for is there, you just have to know where to look. When you're in a place of despair or shame, that guiding light sounds like anger or rage. If you're feeling angry or discouraged, that guiding light might sound like blame or worry. In short, the guiding light you want to look for will always lead you to a step you can make, like a step on a staircase, rather than Superman trying to leap a tall building.

There's nothing broken that can't be mended, nothing in your past that can really prevent the future from coming. Even at your worst, all you can do is hold it back temporarily. That said, if you're tired of being in pain, all you ever need to do is just start pointing in a direction that feels a little better and avoid the temptation of turning back.

One way or another, sooner or later, you're going to be okay, James. Even the deepest pain, at its core, is temporary. One day, one way, you'll finally get tired of beating on yourself and you'll let yourself just be who you are and where you are and then you'll get it that it's all you ever needed to do in the first place.

Much love to you, James.

tibuRYX said...
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Billy Brown said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
BoomBoom said...

Mad Men is on again tonight at 10 if you missed it last night!

that1979guy said...

James,

I don't pretend to know what is going on in your head or to know how your feeling, but I have experienced depression firsthand. And one thing I've figured out is that people who haven't been depressed have no flipping idea what they are talking about or what it's like. To someone who is depressed a phrase like 'snap out of it and stop creating so much drama for yourself' is nothing short of cruel. Don't listen to people like that. They are clueless and should keep their mouths shut instead of doing more harm.

I don't claim that reading this blog makes me know you. I'll probably never meet you in person or even speak to you, but nevertheless I care about what happens to you. You have worth James. And you matter to a lot of people.

I know you don't believe in God, but I want you to know that I pray for you.

Keep fighting. You are worth it.

Billy Brown said...
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Filler of Gaps With Words said...

Pain exist to let you know something isn't right.

The best way out of anything is to expose yourself to as many new ideas as possible regarding purpose, life and love.

Pain is real for humans and it demands respect.

It took me a long time but I finally have some real peace thanks to a shitload of "new ideas".

http://www.momentarian.blogspot.com

Clinton

tibuRYX said...

Hey Erik,


I'm just letting you know. Even if I'd never meet you, I think very highly of you from the Modeling down to The Porn. You take shit from people, you keep digging-you get more shit, you still keep digging until you realize you're at the top of a mountain full of shit and you're clean as a Daisy.

And I still think you'd be awesome for a NIN video.



Bro, try Brain Age they have some sudoku shit on there that's crazy.


Anyway,

Shout out at me, anytime:


Gaben


turgidson33@yahoo.com

messiasx said...
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tibuRYX said...

Hey man,

Do you remember that "I'm Afraid of Americans" Video Trent did with David Bowie. I can totally imagine Year Zero with you fighting against some sort of Authoritorian Figure.

Do you have the album disc for year zero and not the download. Because when you play it, the disc shows more info when it heats up. I'm sort of saying its a heat sensitive disc that changes color.

theodd17 said...

erik dont b down on ur life. i dont kno wat to believe in but i believe. that we go through hardships because if we make it in the end its all worth it . so its ok 2 cry but only cry bcuz u want to cry

blake said...

James, (I assume you like to be called by your real name?)

I'm not sure how much I can help, if at all. I'm only 19 years old. I'm young, inexperienced, and have never done any form of drugs. I don't know what it's like to be addicted to something. I don't know what it's like to feel lost.

But I do know what it's like to feel alone and scared. I want you to know that it's okay to be scared. It's okay to cry (and it doesn't make you any less of a man). And you're not alone. Millions of people feel like you do all across the United States, let alone around the world.

I wish there was something I could do to help. All I can do is say that I wish only the best for you. Please stop using drugs, please get professional help (if you feel it to be necessary), and please try to keep your chin up. It's very easy to only look at the dark in every situation, but I guarantee that there is always some light in there too :).

Love always, (because everyone needs a little love)
Blake

Billy Brown said...
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Billy Brown said...
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JoshD said...

awwwwwwwwww...poor baby. lets all feel sorry for the ridiculously hot guy cause if he didnt do porn and he wasnt hot then he wouldnt be shit. really...

tagskie said...

hi.. just dropping by here... have a nice day! http://kantahanan.blogspot.com/

ccs2627 said...

Oh let's all feel bad for the sad baby!....I'm sorry if I don't participate in the ass licking here, but I have REAL problems and I'm too busy working my ass--not selling it--off to keep food on my stomach and a roof over my head.

Shit, I don't know how someone can be so fucking full of themselves. All you've been doing for years is bitching about your bitch ass drama as if you're a damn 16 year old girl!...Grow some fucking balls for god's sake!.....It's pathetic how you keep complaining about "problems" but you never say what they are...Why would someone who gets fucked on camera be shy about talking about his problems?...maybe it's because then people would see how fucking stupid you are and would stop feeling bad for you. You think everything should be handed to you in a silver platter and your life should be perfect just cause you're pretty and give good head?....well too bad bitch. If you weren't hot no one would give a flying fuck about your bitch ass, including your dumb ass boyfriend who is only with you because of your looks, drugs, fame, or money.

Grow the fuck up!

PretenderNX01 said...

ccs2627, if you truly have so called "real problems" then you aren't solving them by complaining about Erik Rhodes or anybody else.

Putting someone down may make you seem higher- but in truth your position relative to the world has not changed.

Erik, I don't know if you read this but I believe everyone is deserving of happiness and a right to peace. If it helps to write then write. But if you need more, I hope you have someone you can talk to without judgment.

As a fellow human being, I wish you (and everybody here) love.

blake said...

I agree with you Pretender NX01. Putting someone else down does not make you a better person by any means. Is this form of catharsis the most effective? No. Does it help temporarily? Yes. So let people do it. Does it feel good to get support from people? Yes. So let him get support. Is our supporting James hurting him? No. Letting someone know you're there and that they're not alone is possibly the one thing people need at a time like this.

Billy Brown said...

Man, and I deleted my comments feeling like an ass for calling you a drama queen!

Don't pay any attention to ugly bitter trolls who have nothing better to do than spew bitterness.

You're a great guy, and someday you'll realize that.

ccs really needs to click here and get that big stick out of his ass:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zkHM8xG6i8o

tibuRYX said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
tibuRYX said...

Oh. Man. Did I just see
the newest horror trailer in the fucking planet.


This will Probably get your HORROR socks rocked right OFF!

http://paranormalactivity-movie.com


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RXkMo092Uug

Astro said...

ppl here gives u pretty good advices, hope they re being useful to u.
errr... its hard to make comments about other ppl's pain or feelings cos we think we know what the other is going through, what the other is feeling but we dont, thats the truth. reading ur posts i got an idea i can say.
We all have our anxieties and our ways to relieve the stress... If writing is helping u, brilliant! Keep writing. As u mentioned before, u have this blog as a friend so, keep sharing ur thoughts and try to get the best from the responses.
I honestly hope u get over this phase soon.
We re here, dont forget it.

All the best,
A.

SirPercy said...

hey james, i know you read every word of this, so i'll just keep it simple:
it is totally normal to feel pain, to hurt and suffer, and be down. it's normal to lash out at the people who scorn you because of it. you're not weak, you're not a pansy, you're just human.

hang in there, bro, and know you are loved by a lot more people than you realize.

percy

S said...

Wow!
You think YOU have problems, you should be in my shoes and experience pooping your pants every 37 minutes without fail.

I have to carefully time everything, from walking down the street, going to the grocery store, driving etc!

I'll be walking down the street and if I don't preplan my timing, there it goes, a big pile of steaming poop in my pants. Actually, it only steams in the winter, when it's cold.

You wouldn't believe the amount of food I have to continuously consume in order to maintain my cyclical 37 poo's!

Just today I was at work, in our cafeteria, I knew my time was getting close and the bathroom was in use, I quickly ran over to the salad bar, when they have chocolate pudding, I stood there and let it go, leaving a big pile of "pudding" on the floor (wink wink).

Lots of love and butterfly lizard kisses!

me said...

try to see the good side.. u are sad now.. and came back to a place where u have been before... well if u once overcome that situation.. u can do it againn..., u totally can... trust me..

wish u the best.... kisses james.. i admire u :)

tibuRYX said...

Hey Erik,

When are you gonna keep writing. Keep the blog as an open friend, someone you can trust who can be quiet and not shut you up. That's how I see my blog. I know I'm probably saying something useless. Even though, we all comment here about how you should feel, act, say and do. But I do it, because I think I rather talk to you as a fan, because Your a person that if I met in real life would be Cool and nice to hang around with. I'd buy you lunch!.


Anyway,

Be well. Think Openly, and have a
great day-man!


Gaben

Adam Sank said...

Guess, I'll add my two cents here, not that you're probably even reading these comments at this point.

First of all, the people who bitch about your constant complaining are out of line. It's your blog; no one's forcing them to read it. Complain all you want if it makes you feel better.

But more importantly, what you wrote in your last post makes me think you're talking about testing positive for HIV. If so, I'm sorry you're going through it.

But you should know that there are hundreds of thousands of strong, healthy people living with this disease. There are terrific meds available now and new scientific breakthroughs happening constantly.

It's not the end of the world or the end of your life. It just means you have to be vigilant about your health, see your doctor regularly, and follow his instructions to the letter.

And if I'm way off base here, I apologize.

T. said...

Hi James,

How are you feeling and coping? I agree with you, this is your blog, and the best way at the moment for you to voice how you feel and deal with whatever is bothering you. Don't apologize or let these people who have a problem with it get to you. You should just jump over the negative comments, they have no effect on your life, and are just posted not to help but to hurt. People deal with their problems/grief in the way that feels right to them, it's unique only to the individual and not up to someone else to decide how one should deal with it. I think it's great for you to have an outlet to voice how you feel, good or bad, you need to get it out, until you can find someone to talk to face to face, at a time when you are ready. I just want you to know that whatever it is that has gotten you down, I really hope you find a way of coping with it, and making peace with it so you can go on with your life and find some sort of balance.
Reading your post, whatever is bothering you sounds serious, and whatever it is I really hope you can find a way to deal with it in your life that doesn't allow it to make "everything completely different." You shouldn't feel shame in making a mistake in your life, mistakes are necessary for self growth, you should only feel shame for not learning from the mistake and repeating it, but even then you can still learn. Anyhow, like I've said in past posts, I'm listening, and there are a lot of people on this blog who are listening and who want to see everything work out for you, don't give up. Let us know "what happens now," we can't change anything, but we can give you some support to help you get through this difficult time. I truly wish you a tremendous amount of love and inner peace, and hope you are alright or at least on your way to getting there.

T.

tibuRYX said...

Hey James,


I should of known better than to write my first comment to what happened the day you wrote "Summer Rain" I'm sorry if I didn't give you any hope, I don't give anyone hope these days. I'd like to say that things will look up. You can declare war on whatever is hurting you, and still win. That's what I think about any bad situation. Life is war and were constantly fighting day to day to live up our fears, hopes, and responsibilities.


So If it's any consolation. I do apologize and would like to send you a gift of love and friendship.


So keep writing and fighting, be cunning and keep the knife by your side at all times, just in case-you might need to cut through life's shit ropes!


P.S. I had canceled my falcon membership because I lost my job. I liked talking to you, through the chat. You're a very interesting, nice person. Don't let the assholes get you down. BRING OUT THE NEW YORK PAIN, Buddy! If they do.


Best of luck,

Gaben.

Frank Abate said...

Hey Jake,

You are a great guy and you sound so different from the guy I knew in NYC. I hope things are better now. My thoughts are with you,

Frank

Former client, ethernal admirer.

Ty said...

Okay, this is going to come off as incredibly corny and cliche, but I wrote a poem a few years ago when I was feeling somewhat like I think you may be feeling.

Writing is an excellent way to vent your feelings and just get them out of you.

Don't stop writing. Even if you don't share it with people like in your blog, you can write it out and be done with it.

I'll go ahead and paste the poem in this response. My apologies as I don't usually do rhyming poems because I rather suck at it.

Hope you're feeling better.

-

"Starfire"

Heaven comes crashing down
As I watch from afar
Fire and brimstone
Form a celestial scar

A giggle escapes from
My trembling lips
As the sky is covered
In a flaming eclipse

'I told you so'
Is all I can think
As all of reality
Falls out of sync

A sigh of relief
It'll all be over soon
My life falls apart
As I gaze up at the moon

DJ said...

Hey, Erik.
Seems like my fellow fans beat me to the punch with advice and support, but just remember:
"You're beautiful and so blasé
So please don't let them have their way
Don't fall back into the decay
There is no law we must obey
So please don't let them have their way
Don't give in to yesterday
We can build a new tomorrow, today."

peter said...

Mairzy doats and dozy doats and liddle lamzy divey
A kiddley divey too, wouldn't you?
Mairzy doats and dozy doats and liddle lamzy divey
A kiddley divey too, wouldn't you?

Rnap22 said...

Hey James. It's your blog so use it however you want. Fuck everyone else. Sometimes it's easier to type out things going on in your head, and maybe you're the only one that understands what it all means, but that's ok. You wanna vent and get shit off your chest without telling everyone the exact nature of your problem, that's your choice.

Don't let people fuck up your process of emotional release, bro.

jpotter said...

Eric, I don't know you and you don't know me but I feel ya...I know what you are going thru. Don't give up. Your are loved.

jpotter said...

Eric, you don't know me and I don't know you but I feel ya and know your pain. Don't give up, love life and know that here are men out here that care about you. Be stong..be tuff. Be the man that you are.

RiverRock said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
RiverRock said...

Hey, James.

This isn't related to the topic at hand but it is very interesting.

What makes a person gay or straight, as questioned by a recent report by 60 min.

I think you will find the twin studies and the brother theories note worthy.

What leaves me disappointed is that the report does play into stereotypes, and as we all know, there are countless out there that don't fit into these "types". But all in all it did bring up some interesting facts.

So here is the two part link found on Youtube.

Part one.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fOO1Y4OryWY

Part two.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FYEJpcAHz5k&feature=related


Being that your a twin, what are your observations on the subject?

Do you think that the number of brothers or birth order has any weight as a theory?

What are you own theories?

Would be cool to hear what you have to say.

September 19, 2009 4:09 PM

W said...

James:

Reading your blogs reminds me so much of myself at a younger age, struggling with "real confidence" and finding only bluster, and having people at me because they wanted a piece of me for themselves, and nothing else. I also relate so much to your struggles with anxiety and I know full well how easy it is to get hooked on the things (pills) that make life bearable some days.

I learned through some intense therapy that my fear wasn't stupid, and it wasn't coming "out of nowhere". It was based on my life as a child, not feeling sure or confident in being loved. In fact, fearing horrendously being abandoned, because I had an abusive father. For a child, abandonment IS the same as death, and so its terrifying.

I always felt like I had to be "better" just to "earn" love from people, because I couldn't fathom that I deserved to be loved just because I am human and a gift from God.

Once I began to understand the roots (deep roots) of my fears, I understood their magnitude, and their intensity. I was feeling the terror I suppressed as a child at the thought of being abandoned.

This may or may not ring true for you. I suspect there is some truth for you, as I know so-called "irrational fears" aren't irrational at all.

Its simple. A child, a toddler, fears nothing. He will walk off a step without fear of falling, until the first time he falls and gets hurt. Fear does not exist, without prior pain. Thats the truth.

So rather than seeking to suppress, medicate or dull the "fear", I would recommend seeking out the root of your "pain" that was so intense for you that it felt like life or death.

I hope you find peace. You are a valuable person, and I empathize with you and your struggles. You are valuable not because of your body, or your face, or some great ability. You are valuable because you are a human being, a child of God, and deserved to be treated as such, but weren't.

Love and warmth to you my friend.

RiverRock said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Dean Grey said...

Erik/James!

I think the very end of this post says it all.

You might stumble and fall over and over but you can always start again.

That's how I try to look at it when the anxiety and depression come for me.

Something to think about!

-Dean

Edgar said...

Is there someone powerful enough to stop you, even physically?

Is there someone smart enough to ask you all the right questions, and make you answer them?

Can someone force you to face the falsity of your truths?

Who can pull your core out of your "center" and show you that neither exist?

You don't need a psychologist. You need a destroying angel. A blinding monster who will burn your mind to dust, and leave you with one, and only one, name that will fit: "Human".

I leave you with a blessing that's also a curse: "May you lose your mind and gain your being."

Edgar

Marcel Duvoix said...

Hey Erik,
You'll break this cycle of pain I'm sure, as already you're on that path, whether you realize it or not. Continue to hang in there my friend.

All the best, and you're in my thoughts. Sincerely, HRM King Marcel Duvoix. (Author of the book: "Holy Legacy.")

todd said...

Very touching. I love that you used Placebo's English Summer Rain. I never imagined that you would be a Placebo fan, but now reading your blog I understand.

Edgar said...

Your discourse on "Summer Rain" is a textbook example of someone undergoing a Major Depressive Episode. I was ever so happily writing a long post. Thinking that I was going to give some advice that fitted perfectly your "current" problem.

Stupid me, "Summer Rain" is five months old. I should really unsubscribe from this blog. I'm a very slow typist and this takes too much of my time.

And even stupider me, I don't even know if you have ever read anything that I have written. You certainly don't think much of anybody's posts. Since you have never written a word in your blog referring to their content. Or maybe our ways of thinking are too dissimilar.

You cry for help. People write back. And you have the godlike nonchalance of never giving anything back.

I guess I'll never know how it feels. I'm too earnest. Perhaps naive.

Anyway, goodbye James.

Edgar

TealPop said...

you should see the show Next to Normal on Broadway now.