days have passed, and nothing is better. I feel like i look like a serial killer, I've been absolutely emotionless, you know, like that disgruntled office worker that looks the same everyday, and no one assumes anything is wrong until he pulls out a gun and starts shooting, well, that me right now in a not so literal sense, i wanna explode,don't get any wrong ideas, its just my strange comparison of how i don't think anyone understands whats going on inside me right now. I wanna just cry all day long, but i tell myself I'm stronger than that. I don't wanna get out of bed in the morning, i don't wanna go to the gym, but I'm pushing myself, telling myself "just go about things like normal, your normal, your okay, everything is fine."
Truly I can feel the wall is growing, brick by brick, I'm losing hold of what we had. I personally can't even tell if he wants me around. I had a breaking point today when we had, what i considered, a slight argument, where i had suggested he was in a bitchy mood, and he replied to me how he was great the whole week i was just away, and i replied then why would you say you missed me? To which he replied, "who said i missed you". From that point i went silent and haven't said a word to him since. God, most of the time i feel all alone, at least believing to myself there is someone who cares at home for me, and to get shot down like that, over something that seems so dumb a trivial, was like being stabbed in the heart. Once again, i'm in this by myself...if not, its hard to believe i have a reliable source to carry me when i'm down.
I sit here, depressed, wishing there was a way to make things easier on myself. I just feel like i have spent most of my life carrying the weight of everyone around me and now that I'm down and out, i have no where to turn... i don't think anyone can carry me... i don't think anyone cares enough about me to take on this obese burden that is my life. God, if i was more of a coward i would run away...
I am so desperate, i have actually consider reaching out to my family, but i could picture the phone call before i even make it. They would pretend to care, yet they don't. They would blame all my problems on me and not even consider reaching out to help. And its not like i need money, i just desperately want honest, heart felt advice coming from a place of love, and not advice from a "i told you, your life would end up like this" kinda place.
Everything is like hanging off the side of a cliff at this point, my relationship and my career. God, i been impressed how strong i been.
I'm just really scared where things are going, and i have no clue where I'm gonna end up. God, I'm just trying to get by, yeah i hate porn but i read something amazing the other day, it was an old joke that i looked at as the same way i look at being in the porn industry: A guy has a job shoveling elephant shit at the circus and someone asks, "Jesus, you have such a terrible job, why don't you just quit and do something less degrading". The guys looks up and answers "what and give up show business"? I guess its the same thing.
Monday, August 31, 2009
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52 comments:
He loves you.
You just need to knock it out from him. Not physically of course, but just affection and close contact. You've been gone for a long time, why not stay home and enjoy the fruits of your work.
I could remember thinking that I would walk up to a guy I had a crush on and think, oh shit-there is no way in my life this is going to make me happy, asking this guy for some time alone.
There are times when people show their affection and times when they don't. You don't need to wait for them. It just pops up. You are loved somewhere in the world. I haven't found someone yet, and still I look for love in wrong places.
Eric: You are suffering from major depression. Your family cannot provide you the help you need. Please see a psychologist or psychiatrist. With counseling and proper meds you can get better. Don't continue to go through life like this. Everyone deserves to be happy. You are tough on the outside but the inside is killing you. Please get help.
hey, i know you probly dont read these but the only thing you can do is try not to go crazy. even when shit hits the fan and all hell breaks lose, or when you get a crack in your windshield... just do what i do, lock yourself in your room and blast music..
its the only reason im still here in this shitty world.. music..
James,
For what it's worth, I actually feel very proud of you in this post. It's normal to get sad when you don't get the emotional support that you need from your partner. However, you and your partner should be honest with each other and yourselves and discuss what might be underneath the problems you're having.
I know you need a lot of emotional support right now, but you also have to find out what might be bothering him or if you have been emotionally supportive of him.
To me, it seems like your life has been a bit tumultuous in the past and you have to realize that maybe it hasn't been easy on your boyfriend. Relationships always have to be 50/50 in all aspects or else one partner always starts harboring resentment on the other--even if it's unconsciously.
Anyways, I wish I could give you more advice but I actually have to go to bed cause I have to get up extra early tomorrow. But I just wanted to let you know that I'm very proud of you because in this e-mail I did not see you being dramatic, I actually sensed a more mature tone that I had not seen in previous blogs.
Anyways, Take care of yourself, force yourself to think positive and stay strong. And please stay away from drugs and alcohol...you're a much more mature person when sober--and have much better grammar too :)
James, you're stronger than you know and you're gonna make your way out of this. You are strong, you are beautiful, you are loved.
Vallum, Mutemath. Good choice.
Consider this.. Being you long time ago already I make some travel to different sides in the world where you would find something interesting (Seriously).. even a real JOB obviously being illegal. U can go x example Mexico, Italy, Dubai, Panama, I don't know. Make Ur choice..
Can't give advice on such generalities, James. In all honesty though, it always comes down to you. You're all you can count on.
Don't know what's up with your boyfriend, as I don't know the whole situation. If there is love, there is a way forward. If not, as much as it hurts, move on.
You are not doing anything there.. I mean stop blaming yourself and go ahead, I think is time to grow up cuz u are not the only person "alone" who anybody else cares of it.. bla bla bla, so change your mind and go ahead.. this would sound weird but no one in this world is "alone" or call it whatever u want..
everyone here have the same god who is watching us and i think u know what i am trying to say to u. erm.. sorry about my spelling i don't really speak English so I hope You understand what i "tried" to say. You are better than that.
Can't say ever feel the way you feel right now. I did have a similar situation though, feeling all alone and keeping building the wall around my heart brick by brick.
In the end, the one who really help me getting over the loneliness was some stranger (he was a stranger back then, but now I consider him one of my best friend)
Even though now you're feeling all alone, keep going forward, cause I'm sure that the path you're following now will take you 'the person'. Like in my case, he doesn't necessarily be your partner.
As I'm sure you're keep doing your best both in your life and in your job, keep going. 'Cause I believe you're a strong strong man.
The fact that you said that you don't have the energy to get out of bed and that you feel emotionally numb is a definite signal that your dealing with a very serious case of depression. If your really deep in the valley it is hard to get a perspective on things. Literally, your emotions are running so intensely right now it is clouding up your vision.
The only guy I would trust right now , as your pretty vulnerable, is your brother. Your brother would be the rock right now, and a solid place to land. Your lucky you have a bro like that in your life, as a lot of guys don't. And in the grand scheme of life,he is a vital reminder that your not alone. He will be able to evaluate the situation and give you some real advice. It may also be time to listen to some of the advice he has been giving you all along but you have been ignoring.
So , get through this valley and you will be ok. That is the dellusion of a valley. You are convinced that the world is dark, closing in on you, and that there is no way out. But the truth is that just over the mountains next to you is a whole new existence, with a fresh view and unexpected possibilities.
erik:
everyone keeps saying go to a psychiatrist. you're not going to. from what you said, you most likely have major depression. i have a limited amount of information for you (i'm in medical school, so i have a slight grasp on what is going on). between the terminal sleep disturbance, feelings of hopelessness and helplessness, loss of pleasure with your mate, drug abuse/use, somewhat suicidal thoughts, and recurring nature of these episodes (based on your blog), you have chronic major depression. (either that or dysthymia, in which case, get over it you whiny bitch.) but i think it's the former.
typically, 20% of ppl w/ major depression recover. obviously, not you. 20% commit suicide. obviously not you as well. 60% have recurring episodes. OBVIOUSLY you.
my advice: get. medicine. and stick with it.
a short list of options available to you:
Zoloft, Paxil, Celexa, Prozac, Luvox, Lexapro, Effexor XR, Cymbalta, Wellbutrin SR, Remeron, Trazadone, Zoloft, Elavil, Pamelor, and Tofranil.
if, on the other hand, you are bipolar (which is ALSO possible, as you seem to go thru stages of euphoria and deep depression), you may want to consider mood stabilizers such as Lithium, Valproic Acid (Depakote), Carbamazepine (Tegretol), or Lamictal.
FURTHERMORE you obviously use this blog as an outlet. this is good. however, even though we are REAL PEOPLE listening to you and showing that we're listening and care, you may need to seek help in the form of a therapist. you might need a non-traditional therapist, someone who can handle a raging volcano like you. someone like rambo, just in a therapist's office.
there. now you can't say no one told you.
you are loved, buddy. i'm obviously not the best to give relationship advice, as i just blew the closest thing i've ever had to a relationship to smithereens, but communicate with this guy. don't clam up. not gonna help.
No matter how or what you think or feel, there is always someone that cares about you to talk to about things. It may not be a certain family member or the friend that's always been there, but it could be someone completely unexpected. And when that friend that you thought wasn't there.. Is.. It's a great feeling in knowing that you have more people that care about you than you think.
Hey James,
It hurts to read your blog. So many things you say ring true to my own experience of life.
I am glad to see how much support and advice you are get from this blog. There are people who love you. I agree with most of what people say; particularly, with "talk to your brother" and "go to a therapist". Probably, you've done both already. However, I am left wondering if there is something I could do to help. I wish there is and if so,please feel free to reach out.
Just in case this seems like a come on, it's not. We knew each other in 2003, when I was going through a deep depression and having a tall handsome man in my bed was my way of dealing with it. You were that man. Since, I moved on; I moved from NYC (and live abroad now) and I have dealt/am dealing with my depression and my addictions. Four years later, I remember you dearly. Not because of the crazy sex or any kind of crush but becasuse of your generosity of spirit torwards me when I need it. And I really would like to repay in kind.
So there you have it. My apologies for doing this publicly, somehow it felt right.
Best,
Frank
We believe in you, James!
Don´t give up!
http://revision3.com/diggdialogg/trentreznor
I don't know if this will cheer you up, but it's an interview with Trent Reznor and he talks about the most embarrassing song he carries on his iPod.
Hey man, just hold on and hang in there. Be strong. <3
Hey I understand exactly what you are going through man. I have been in this same boat for so long I can barely remember when I was "normal" I used to think I had someone at home who cared for me deeply and it turned out I was being used. More or less because of my body, dick and looks. It hurts deeply to not have someone love you for who you are, and I can completely empathize with every post on your blog.
Let me say by getting it out of your system and typing it onto a screen is a good way to relieve much of the pain and frustration.
If you need a real friend to talk to you can always contact me day or night and I'll be there for you. Just because you don't know me yet, doesn't mean I don't know where you are coming from and haven't been there before.
I'll keep checking back periodically to see how you are doing, just don't do anything rash.
Good-luck and Goodbye for now
-Rob
Well, hang in there and keep your head up. There's always a solution to a problem. It's good you're able to be open and honest to yourself and others about your experience both good and bad. Everyone goes through a challenge and change.
-L
lol loved the joke.
man, medication helps. so, try it. get a prescription first of course! its gonna help u to organize ur thoughts. friends can help. family can help? Err... it depends on ur family, it depends on how u ask for help... We learned our lesson from the start, my sisters and me: the only thing you can depend on is your family. Hope urs is there for u.
Oh, do u have a pet? Maybe u could get one. Try a dog! They re great company!
all the best!
A
Hold on!
Don´t give up!
Jesus, i hate sounding like such a whiny bitch, depresssed bipolar mess...sometimes i have good days... they are far and few between... but most nights just end up like last night... something that starts off fun and promisng and ends up with me having an panic attack, that only ends after i drug myself and about 10 trips between my bed and the bathroom, where i stare at myself in the mirror, examining the lines and pours on my face, needing to tell myself everything is okay before i finally pass out. Its becoming unbearable, but routine. I plan on seeking professional help. I can't live like this. I dont think i'll make it much longer if i don't.
You sound like a human, not like a whiny bitch! We all have troubles. You´ve made the right choice, seeking for professional advice is the best thing you can do now.
Hold on!
Excellent!
Glad to hear that you're planning on seeking professional help, now that you've said it, stick to it and do what you've said!!
I'm relatively new to reading your blog, but dated a guy also suffering from major depression and recognized the symptoms right away. It is good what you're doing, writing about it, discussing it, exercising on a regular basis, and being open about it all. That all helps, but you need something to balance you until you can balance yourself, and that is what medication is for.
I will say avoid Paxil, it robs you of your sex drive. I know of a couple of people who that happened to, including my ex.
Good Luck!
@sexy beast - a common side effect of all anti-depressants/anxietals is reduced sex drive.
James- I thought you were seeing a doctor. Isn't that why you bought health insurance? Do not wait, do not pass go, get to a doctor and get back on the anti-depressants. You're not bi-polar and definitely not a psychiatrist, so don't self diagnose. If this misery has gotten you to the point of seeking PROFESSIONAL help, then it has at least brought about something good.
Please go?
Hey there!
I just came to your page by chance... and your last entry totally reflects my own life 5 years ago.
It was when I moved out from home and started dental school... everything was so overwhelming. I was far away from home, I had to run my own life and my boy-friend back then was cheating on me.
I also had some huge issues with my parents which caused a big trauma to myself.
It all just came together, so that I fell into this big depression. I had anxiety attacks... couldn´t even go out to get food from the store, cause I would be terrified by everyone.
I only had luck and met this guy, who refered me to a trauma specialist. He or rather shall I say, I did really a good job... cause in this case, it is only you, yourself, who can really solve your problems. Of course you need someone to support you, but it is important that this is a neutral person, like a therapist.
Over the years, I solved all those problems in my life and even my family turned around 360°. It was really worth it.
Hey Erik, don´t think that you have to act "normal"... if it hurts, then accept it and take it for what it is. Everyone has the right to be sad or cry. Sometimes easy things might seem to you harder then for other ppl., but just be aware that this hasn´t to be forever. Look back and realize how many things in life you´ve already solved... you´ll be able to get over that, too.
There is also a really good book, called "10 smart things gay men can do to find real love" by Joe Kort. I think that might be a good start.
But please try to stay away from anti-depressants. As a dentist and as a son of a physician... I can assure you, it is not the right way.
Hope you´ll be better.
Theo
James,
I suffer from depression too and believe me what you feel right now, you're not the only one. I just went through a really bad time about a month ago when I tried to switch antidepressants. Luckily I let people help me through it. I don't know your situation but I'm sure there are people in your life who want to help you. There's nothing wrong with asking for help. I actually think about you often and worry about you. I hope you are on a medication. If not, please go see your doctor and get some. Believe me they help. They won't fix the problems you're having but they will allow you some peace and clarity so you can work on them with a clear head. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE, call your brother or sisters and let them help you. Forget about this "Erik Rhodes" persona and give James the time he deserves to kick this depressions ass. I know you can do it. It seems daunting and like there's no peace out there for you but believe me James, there is. I wish you all the best and think of you often.
- Jason
One decision can have the power of effecting the whole trajectory of one's life. You have made such decisions in the past and have not liked or benefited from the outcome.
But weather you believe this now, or not, it still stands as truth. There is great power still standing in making the right decisions. Make the right choices now and they will forge a path for you that has fullness of life, peace and happiness. Many have truged through similar black valleys and have lived to see happier days. They are markers for us going through them now, that change is possible.
The human spirit and will to live is stronger than you think. Way deep in your core that spirit is carrying you now, so you can take a deep breath and rest. I know its hard for you to understand, but all along there has been a guiding and loving hand reassuring you and giving you confidence to face these days. You can rest peacfully tonight that this very presence is not giving up, ever.
Your at a perfect place now to rebuild your life. Your more than willing to make serious changes and leave thoes things that need to be left and to build up thoes things that will give you a solid foundation for your new life.
Its not so much that you want to die in the literal sense. Its more that you want this situation and all the difficulty associated with it to die. And that is a good thing. So let it go, just let it go and have the faith to step forward. Do you not see that life is welcoming you with open arms and has plans for you to LIVE, to prosper and to be at peace.
So hang in there man, just hang in there. Keep trusting, and keep moving that one foot in front of the other.
I hope you get the help you need fella!
If you like being in showbiz, just find some other ways of making your mark outside of porn, if that's contributing to your depression.
I've no doubt you could do more modelling...what about taking acting lessons, going to auditions etc? You'd be a great go-to guy for action films.
lets have some fun this beat is sick, just let me take a ride on your disco stickk!
I think it's funny how everyone seems to think that everything can be solved by the right combination of prescription drugs.
I struggled with feelings of sadness for many years because I wasn't happy with my job, my financial situation, my love life, and my weight.
I guess I was dumb because I didn't take a pill for it. Instead, I went to night-school for 8 years and got a BA which helped me get a job I love and become financially stable, I also started watching what I ate and went to the gym and lost 40 pounds. It just so happened that once I was happy, successful, and mentally stable I finally was able to have a successful relationship.
Darn, I should have just taken the pills.
my god james.. i get so sad when i read stuff like this..
it definitely seems like u are going through something terrible.. i can totally understand u.. i was depressed... and tried to kill myself.. it can be awful the way we feel with ourselves.... and of course.. nobody understands us.. i mean depression it's a disease and people can totally understand cancer or something physical but when it is this.. oh myy! u are crazy! .. dumb people.. anyway james... i think that the first step is recognise that u have a problem.. do not say i am stronger than this.. if u feel like crying.. then cry.. if u feel like being in bed all day.. then stay in bed.. u have to deal with what u feel.. not push urself and go to the gym and stuff like that.. i mean it is cool that u want to not think on it by distracting with other stuff.. but after that.. the reality will be the same..
please... i mean this from the bottom of my heart.. i am extremely happy when i know that i am helping others... we can chat or send each other mails.. just think about it.. it has nothing to do with the fact that u are famous... or something like that.. i want to help u.. once again.. kisses.. wish u the best.. my e-mail is tongas226@yahoo.com
think about it.. :)
Hey,
So I was wondering around NYC late thursday nite (9/24) with friends, and I think I may have seen you around 6th ave/20th street in front of a convenience store ... but wasn't entirely sure if it was you.
Thought you should see this youtube video called: "Everybody's Free to Wear Sunscreen". A friend showed it to me when things in my life weren't working out so well ... just a short vid on "life perspective": http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xfq_A8nXMsQ
Otherwise, don't listen to people who think your different, wrong, or crazy for feeling the way you feel. They aren't you and don't know what you have to go through.
I like to believe things will get better, even if the light at the end of the tunnel is clouded out. Take care!
love u man
I shield my own heart in diamond shell, so the world out there neves reaches my feelings.
I became emotionless and the last tear was for you.
Get better (:
Sometimes you just get a feeling about people. I always get a strong feeling from you, it hurts to read your words. You are such a powerful person, I feel it.
u should go travel, thats what i do when im upset.
hey u can drop by asia and i can show u around a bit
Derek: Your Lady Gaga post made me throw up in my mouth alittle.
But hey, i'm the first person to rip off a good lyric to express the way i'm feeling... so here is mine at the moment...
"well i wrote your name and burned it.. to see the color of the flame... And it burned out the whole spectrum, as if you were everything.....mine just burned gold...a normal flame... i am... not anything."
Erik/James!
"i don't think anyone can carry me"
You are absolutely right about this. No one else can carry you but YOU!
You have to be the one to get through your struggles and knock down your own walls.
Believe me I know firsthand....easier said than done.
There's nothing wrong with friends and family supporting you along the way but it is our own life's work to overcome our own challenges.
Keep staying strong and perhaps most importantly keep moving forward!!
-Dean
I read your words with concern, Eric. I can hear that you are in distress, and I wish I could support you beyond a simple post on your blog. However, I felt compelled to give you some form of encouragement. Your depression is obvious and it seems you have been suffering with it for awhile. Unfortunately, depression that goes on for this length of time usually does not get better on its own, without some form of intervention or support. This is particularly true if you are also abusing drugs and/or alcohol. It also sounds like there may be things in your life that are making it worse, like an harsh (maybe even abusive) partner, lack of family support, and mixed feelings about your career path. These are all things a therapist could help you sort through in a non-judgmental way.
While that may not be an appealing solution to you, I encourage you to consider it, because the good news is that depression like you feel can definitely get better. You can feel better (like yourself) again, if you take the right steps. Part of the reason it's hard to do it on your own is that depression changes your thinking. It's hard to make good choices when your feel worthless or without any rest.
Think about it. I would hate for you to make some kind of choice that would harm you further or worse. You and your life are valuable, even if you don't feel that right now. I imagine you would like to be cared about beyond your physical beauty and body. Let me tell you that you have so many good qualities other than that. I hope you can find someone to help you on the right path. Reach out to someone that you trust. If you don't feel there is anyone, you should email me, and I can try and point you in the right direction. I'll be praying for you, and if you don't believe in that, that's o.k., I'll do it anyway. Best Regards, Steve.
complicated... i dont really know what situation is between u and your boyfriend and i dont want to come into your life but... why if he loves u he says that kind of words? did he thinked about it: thats words for you is like knifes trough your heart? try to talk with him and settle things ;)
P.S. And again sry for bad english. Damn...
Erik,
I enjoy reading your posts, and I'm glad I kind of stumbled onto your blog, because I really didn't know much about you to begin with, much less that you had a blog, but I'm glad to be reading about you.
This post made me kind of chuckle to myself, for I see that you kind of know your strength, and I hope that you continue to recognize and move forward into a more positive place than where you are right now.
I'm hopeful for you Erik, and care enough about you, to want you to have your life go in a better direction. As for your family, I don't know quite what to say there, for I've been there also with some members of my own family, with the strange feeling of certain individuals pretending to care; when in fact you can tell that they really don't care.
Your family can also be those you surround yourself with, and those are, positive and loving people whom genuinely care and value you as a person.
I continue to be here for you, and you need only to say the word or contact me, and I'll listen to you, or be there for you in any way I can.
Sincerely, Marcel Duvoix (Author of the book: "Holy Legacy.")
You crazy people...
Eric doesn't need any meds, or visits from psychologists... He just needs someone who will always be there for him. Someone who he can trust and talk to. He is just looking for love and it is very difficult for him to find it, as probably most of the guys will go out with him because of his porn carrier and big dick...
I am a model and I have the same problem, and I am really fed up. Where is he, Mr.Right?
All the best
x x x
hearing your struggles really pains me. you can overcome anything. trust me, i have. if someone like me who doesn't even know you is worried for you, you can find it in yourself to keep going. I'm not going to lie and say i don't recognize you from a movie i saw but that has nothing to do with me helping you. you need to get out of that industry. i had a friend, who is still in the industry and is quite over exposed who still hasn't left and i fear it will tear him apart sooner or later. you are worth the effort to try and experience new things. i dont think it's an inappropriate profession, i think it just eats people up and if you aren't prepared it will spit you out just as fast.
josh.
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bayan arkadaş
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partner bul
James
I’m not sure why I’m really writing this, possibly because after reading your blog I worry about reading your dead somewhere lying with a needle in your arm. I think I’m writing primarily as I was sad to read your blog which only confirmed my worse suspicions about the porn industry and how destructive it can. It seems to me that you are both attracted and repelled by the industry. Your suffering form a kind of ‘slitting’ in two, which is not ironic when you consider you have two conflicting ‘persona’s fighting for space on life’s grand stage. Who is winning do you think? Or is it 50/50?
I’d have to agree with other posts and advocate for you to get some professional help, whether seeing a counsellor for a few sessions or something longer term. I also questions how helpful this blog actually is and what you’re getting from it? How healthy is it to air all your personal demons? How respectful is it to your partner to air issues that should be essentially private between you and your lover? What’s the payoff for writing your blog do you think?
A psychologist would be both supportive and more importantly objective, someone able to reflect aspects of your own thinking and how you see the world. More importantly a counsellor or psychologist can give you the tools you need to cope with your problems expressed in your blog. Whilst I’m not in the porn industry myself, I can empathise with other things you talk about. If you’ve tried counselling before and it hasn’t worked out then based on my own experience you haven’t found the right person. Keep looking.
It seems me that you have some ‘tough love’ decisions and choices to make about how you want to live your life. They are not easy choices to make but asking the right questions is perhaps a start.
Lastly, I can’t help but think you need to get away from your current environment for a long period of time. Move to the country for a while. Chop wood and keep that fantastic body of yours in shape. Work on the mind. Find a way to stay in balance. Your obviously talented and gifted and I just don’t mean having a great body which is a great thing to have, but take time to look inside rather than outside. Everything you want is already there. You just have to learn to see again.
Andrew. Australia.
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