I have been avoiding my old life so long that writing this right now is giving me anxiety. Flashbacks of a life once lost.
Well, again, the only reason i'm here is cuz i feel alone and yeah i'm pretty damn upset, depressed, alone, whatever. Things have been pretty good. Yes i still have my bipoloar freak outs every now and again but i have been working through them and even more impressive, i have been surpressing the more trivial episodes. But tonight, i wanted to run away...
Now as much as i want to go into details, i have choosen to try and be as vague as possible, just to avoid pleasing the certain people that thrive on others peoples misery... Anyways, the best i can do is just name this blog "The Replacement". It is the name to the way i feel and the life i refuse to lead.
I guess it just hurts when i have done the best at starting a new life and having a whole new frame of mind only to worry if the people around me are the same as they were before me or are they on a new page like i am. I guess i have a hard time trying to pretend i am, was, and have only been the best part in someones life. I think i like to pretend that when i meet someone that they never had a life before the second they meet me. I'm selfish, i know. I validate that thought as i sit here alone. But aren't you allowed to be selfish when your life seems as lonely as this... hmmmm.
Well, i don't think i'm selfish, i only think in the terms of "US" now. And yeah i'm selfish for us. I only see one person now and nothing else has exsisted, i feel like i dont have a past, i do, but i have done the best at forgeting every second of it. And i find it hard to feel that in return. I feel like a punchingbag alot of the time. I guess i'm just a replacement.
nobodywillnoticenobodywillnoticenobodywillnoticenobodywillnoticenobodywillnoticenobodywillnoticenobodywillnoticenobodywillnoticeno
Thursday, June 25, 2009
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"Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why it is called the present." (From the movie Kung Fu Panda, 2008)
Make the most of today for the realisation of the life you want. Worrying about other things simply wastes your energy and wears you out.
Remember there are many well-wishers out there wishing all the best for you.
I figured that maybe you were all bummed about about Michael Jackson passing...
But I digress.
Depression ain't no laughing matter, bud....perhaps that rainy, gloomy NYC weather has gotten you down? Go to sunny Ibiza!
I know you have heard this before but hopefully someday this will make since and you will understand this.... if you are open to the idea.... community service..... this will open your eyes ... to see ....that maybe your life is "not" as horrible as you think. There are others in this world that don't live half the life you do everyday. And they still wake up in the morning with a smile on their face. I am not writing this to you to mock you ... or make light of your situation. I write this as some wisdom to life. Take care...J
James, stop right now, you had a life before you met your actual partner and he had a life before he met you.
now you two still have a private life and you are trying to merge your two separate ways of living into a common one.
You have to realize and accept that love, as marvelous as it is, is not everything and that to be happy together two people have to compromise. and learn to accept that you still have a family, friends, work relations, work commitments to respect, and so has your partner.
You are not as you feel "a Replacement" you just are a new element in somebody's life and you have to adapt to it, while he makes space for you and you ease yourself into his life and he does the same in yours, until each has found the happy balance.
So James, while I find you have already improved your way of thinking, you still have a lot of work ahead. Face the challenge and you will succeed.
Remember also that among all the people that admire you as a star, there are a lot that really care for you as a person and wish you would reach your goals even sooner than you espect.
A big hug, young man, even if only from afar,
Bruno
Hey James. Sorry things suck for you at the moment. Here's hoping they get better.
You are not just another replacement, you´re a masterpiece!
Everyone has a past and has made mistakes. We like to think that we have learned from them and have moved on, as I like to that my exes have taught me things about myself that I was not aware of before strengths etc.
I'm glad your still with your bf and trying to make things work, as I miss hearing about your travels and your world I think it is so cool that after all this time you are trying to live a semi normal life and keeping to yourself and keeping your world and his world private.
James, wtf?
Im at the opposite end of the spectrum from you yet carry your sympathies on being lonely.
I moved to houston 2 years ago, gave up everything to be with a man who just tore my heart out. now im without friends here and making them is doubly difficult. the true ones that is.
you find people but they tend to use you for things all the time. its hard to weed them out, but over time you can.
i wish you the best man. be well. and itll all get sorted. dont try to forget the past, try to embrace and accept it.. and just move on to tomorrow.
Erik/James!
I don't think it sounds selfish at all....it's actually kind of sweet.
You want that other person to have the best years of their life with YOU.
And if you find your friends won't change with your changes, then it's time to get some new friends!
Good luck!
-Dean
Hell, being lonely is normal. No matter what circumstance you're in.
It's really sad that sometimes we fell lonely although there's no real reason for it. I think you should just accept it as it is. Isn't it nice that you still able to feel lonely? That proves that you're still human, real human with feeling.
About who you are and who you were: if you truly believe you love the you right now, than don't hear and think about what other people think. Only you can live your live, and only you know yourself best. If you love the new you, ignore all the other people say. Have faith in yourself.
Just live your life.
I notice you all right...
Sup James, Just dropped by and wana say hi to ya.
have a great week
hi.. just dropping by here... have a nice day! http://kantahanan.blogspot.com
Hi James,, well i think that u have to think about yourself and only yourself... we are first,, then the others.. if we do not take care of ourselves,, then no one will...
do not pay attention to what other people say about your misery... they are the stupid ones who do not know whaat is like to be that way... depressed and sad.. i think that we are much more strong and survivors than they are.. fighting with our state of mind and feelings is a hard battle and probably they do not know what is like.. they cannot judge if they have not been in the same place.. DO NOT TALK IF U DON'T KNOW!
kisses james,, wish u the best.
by the way u have a writinh mistake on the playlist.. it says "shit worth listeing..."" :)
Cheer up big guy! :) things will eventually get better. They have to
Yes, you're allowed to be selfish, James. Give yourself a break -- you're doing the best you can and you're figuring things out. You're not and never have been a "replacement" and life doesn't have to be lonely. But that's the trick with being selfish -- it also means that you've got to let yourself off the hook of the impossible task of trying to be the center of someone else's Universe. The best you can do is be the star of your own story and enjoy your time with others as best you can.
Just keep chugging along, James. You're doing better than you realize. Things will continue to improve if you let them.
hey, just live your life every day to the best you can, i met you in asbury park at paridise, gay pride, we took photo, thanks for that, really just want to say,its all good....things can only get better. belive it can and it will for sure, take care of yourself,xoxo.
Hey James,
Have you ever seen "PG Porn"?
Many female pornstars have already made an appearance, but so far I haven't seen any gay pornstars yet.
Wouldn't it be great if you were the first gay guy to appear on that show? And, it would be a funny way of saying goodbye to the industry.
Anyway, check out the previews on YouTube to get an idea of what the show is all about.
Hey James,
I love you. I use my soul to love you. I love the way you are.
Please remember that someone still love you
and accept the whole you.
I wish you all the best.
No matter how. The sun will always shine
Like you always shine in my heart.
From,
ohwow.my@gmail.com
I stumbled across your blog through a link and I really wish I had something thoughtful to say but all I really can say is that this stuff is extremely introspective. I hope to read more from you.
James, James, James... You're such a great person, I wish you could see yourself the way you are.
Erik,
what do you do in your spare time? I know there drinking beer and all. But have you just kicked it with your buds all day long? I mean, I would like to play games on my p.c. and just be on my way-by myself. But Anyway, this is only temporary. The rocky road will be here but you'll be able to maneuver your way out of it. You are who you are.
That makes me sad. Take some time to relax and listen to the new Manson album again. "Devour" makes me feel good. <3
I wont even write it on here.
http://allthingsvega.blogspot.com/
Best of luck Erik,
Tony
http://www.landmarkeducation.com/
I have been hesitant to suggest this to you before because of where you werte in your life (drugs and suicidal posts) but I think you should check out doing the Landmark Forum because it really addresses what seem to be your main complaints in life.
You are ready to move forward but your past is still there. LMF gives you means to truly complete the past and build a future free from the restrictions and pain of the past.
Lot of people think it is a cult or that it is brainwashing but it is the only thing I have ever done in the way of self improvement that has truly made a difference in how the world occurs to me and I occur to the world.
I wouldn't begin to compare war stories with you but the LMF helped me address some stuff that happened to me when I was a kid that I had carried around with me my entire adult life and be at peace with what happened and move on with my life.
Hi James.. I been reading yer blogs for a long time, I just managed how to set this up so i cud comment..lol..
I ONLY know U from Derek and Romaine , and I LUV when U co-host or visit the show...they are DEF my favs of DNR.
I realize now why u didn't make it last scheduled appearance..wish u had been more up to it, hehe..it def wud have made for an awesome show..
I'm so sorry u get so down on yerself and wish there was something i cud do to help.. yer such an awesome and funny guy..
U don't know me from adam..but u need to know that u have a huge following of people who know u as james and the eric rhodes part of yer life has nothing to do with it..
yes.. i recently saw one of yer vids.. but for me , on the screen was just a hot guy doing his thing.. the guy i know from DNR and the guy i saw on the screen didn't make a connection with me.. and I DO and will ALWAYS think of U as james and the fun and interesting guy i LUV to hear on DNR..
I'm an older "daddy" truck driver and am in no way sending this to u to read for any sort of sexual reasons..
hope yer doing better.. contact me anytime..YER A GR8 GUY, JAMES!!!
Hey,
you shouldn't forget the past.
It's always good to look back on it once in a while.
But you seem to be dwelling on it a little too much...(from what I'm reading in the most recent blog posts)
Maybe you should just go on a trip to somewhere you've never been.
Make sure there are things there that you want to see so that you have enough motivation to actually go there.
A change of scenery always helps lift moods :)
Good luck
Man, your blog sounds like my live journal. The hazzard of living the lives we lead, the highs are heavenly but the lows are crushing. And I'm not talking drugs, kids, I'm talking about not conforming to society, just being who we are.
I like what Dean Grey said, your friends should love you for you and if they can't deal with a new you then they're not good friends.
As far as the past you are trying to put behind you... just remember that the past is just a series of roads and bridges that got you to where you are. There's no need to dwell on them, but never feel regret for your choices. Even if you're in a bad place at the moment, it's just a bridge to the next good place. You've been happy before and you'll be happy again. That I can promise you. Today is one day and if it's not so great it will pass.
And yes... someone will notice. *hugs
p.s. - It was really nice meeting you the other day and looking forward to the next time you come by. Take care.
I can empathize with your struggles with anxiety. Anxiety ruined my life for a time. I wish you happiness and it's causes, and I hope you discover freedom from suffering and its causes.
Although I don't know you personally, we're all in this human game together and kindness to oneself and to others makes the journey less challenging.
May you find liberation.
Cheers!
You say that you feel lonely. It doesn't seem surprising to me. You write on this blog, and I get the idea that all you do is absorb the attention that others give you by posting responses.
I suspect that even though you genuinely feel bad, you also feel quite a bit of contempt for the people that write here.
The top photos on your blog tell a little story. There used do be one one with you looking directly at the camera (and hence your audience). Your face was darkened by shadows and I could not see your eyes. A little contrast enhancement revealed a lot of anger and defiance in your gaze. You seemed to say: "Let's see who DARES come close to me". Rejection by aggression.
The new photo is quite telling too. This time you look lost and sad (and as always, in shadows). But you are looking away, won't meet the camera's eye, nor your readers. Rejection by deflection. Definitely not a big improvement if you are feeling lonely.
I surmise that you simply ignore the fact that the people that write to you are as real as you are.
Your blog has become an affective scam. You vent in half truths and non- specific information about your emotional states. Then feed on the attention lavished on you. But because, in your heart of hearts, you know that you are not putting out anything that deeply concerns you; nothing here has any real value for you. Empty calories, just more toxic.
I'm sure that you will disagree with my claims. But I can guess what's really going on: your emotions are real, but you capture them when they are already on the way out. What you express here is (and SHOULD be) old news, and have about the same value as an old newspaper to your inner self.
Happens to the best of us, we spend so much energy creating a persona that will be socially acceptable, attractive, and at the same time, highly protective of our delicate insides. Then the godamned thing takes a life of its own and we become all surfaces. The truly horrid consequence of this is that pretty soon all that we can genuinely feel is pain, and nothing else.
My suggestion: Drop the armor completely. It will be difficult, you will find it to be alive and claiming to be all you can have.
Kill it without mercy. The "killing process" will show itself as a series of moments in which you have the lucidity to decide how to act: as always, or try something new. It's a long and messy process, highly imperfect, but absolutely necessary if you want to get out of your own way.
You will become very vulnerable.
You will get hurt.
You will cry until you feel close to death.
None of that matters. Separate a part of yourself that observes this with with the detachment of a doctor performing a painful lifesaving procedure.
In the end you will learn. And you will emerge as a rare and powerful creature: a human being that acts from his center, his soul, and thus has become extremely competent in dealing with the world.
I have been through a lot myself. So this is not meant just to chastise you. I really wish you break away from what binds you. The world will become a better place, for you, and those around you.
I will remember you in my prayers.
Edgar
I just wanted to say that what i just read was some real meaningful and powerful stuff i cant believe how much i can relate to you. I don't know details of what you're going through but the general idea is very relevant to me and my life, and what i am currently going through right now. I really hope you can get through this because i know i did and im sure you can too. If you need anyone to talk to for some help im sure i could be of service if you reach out, best of luck to you and stay strong. You've received alot of positive feed back from your fans and that should mean something. Don't do anything that might seem like the only way out cause its not, its just giving up and your better than that. WIsh you all the best and take care.
In Memoriam | Terence Koh’s Dash Snow Tribute
The artist Terence Koh has been performing every night at the Whitworth Gallery in Manchester, England, as part of Marina Abramovic’s performance showcase during this month’s Manchester Festival (through July 19). For his four-hour piece, Koh lies on the floor in a shirt made from crushed pearls, his face and feet covered in powder. Curled up in the fetal position, he plays Nat King Cole’s “Mona Lisa” over and over on his iPod. But tonight Koh is honoring the artist Dash Snow, who died today in an apparent drug overdose. Koh will change his tune to “Cheree” by the synth-punk band Suicide. As Koh explained in an e-mail message, “It is for one of my best friend’s Dash and that is our favorite song together and we used to dance to it together.” Strangely, the song was used in the closing scene of “Downtown 81,” which was about Jean-Michel Basquiat, another artist who died way too soon.
erik nevr change who u r for ne1 only change 4 urself. to me ur a positive influence and a voice for those who have none. u will get through things. jus please keep on bein u
hi... just dropping by!
http://www.fileafro.com
http://mobileandetc.blogspot.com
http://kantahanan.blogspot.com
I know the kind of pain you offer
Baby, I've felt your kind of pain before
Change your mind like revolving door
Change your men like you change your clothes
I'm telling you
You better watch your step
You'll fall and hurt yourself one day
You better watch your step
You'll fall and hurt yourself one day
I don't understand your thinking
Don't know why you do the things you do
Break my heart, disregard my feelings
Breakin' hearts, some kind of game to you
So, this is my first time to your blog, but not the first time that I have seen you. It is very refreshing to know that there is a real person behind one of the hottest men in the porn indrustry. it is also refreshing to know that you have brains as well as looks, which most men dont. I don't even know what it was i wanted to say in the beginning of this comment....
Hey James,
If it's any consolation. It's you who is interesting to those who see you, those who glance at you nearby. You are sort of special, in that you're tall, handsome, and muscular.
You worked out half of your life, changed your body(I bet you, if you remembered yourself before you were muscular; You were a string bean!) Now everything is different.
Your life has crossroads. You hit some, pass through others like a breeze, and stop at others because there was something in the middle making you stop.
With your boyfriend, and all. Do you still try to accept or regret your past. Its okay to put it in reverse sometimes. Just remember that bad moments, memories stay in one place-Just like billboards. You can try to go back but they'll still be behind you when you pass them.
Let the drugs, envy, anger and social awkwardness go.
Kill it with your ego. And just pretend that at this moment, when you take a breathe. When you look around you, seeing your boyfriend's face or watching the television; When you think about your past, breathe for just one breath-picture your old life walking away but tethered to you (in case you have good memories) and let it go (Let it VANISH).
Feel the cold, vapid space fill you for one second like water.
Ok then, remember. You will start a new life at that moment.
All this is not sci-fi, transcendental BULLSHIT. It's just pretending. Picturing out.
P.S. Do you rock with a band, because I remember seeing pictures of you on your old myspace account; Rocking out.
Do not go to landmark forum they are a cult. You care too much what ppl think. Maybe this very vague entry was a step you have to take to stop caring what the other schoolgirls think. You can't rely on big dicked or hot, but you can take funny, smart and mature to the bank any day.
I've never seen an entire video as 40 is a lot for porn
doll face. let me tell ya from sunny down under australia, things ain't good for ya, but they don't have to be. u are fabulous and sexy and all of the above. embrace ur fabulous-ness and fuck the world. move to the country or whatever and BE YOU!
Hope you get a chance to see NIN in their "final" run, man.
http://community.livejournal.com/ohnotheydidnt/37391780.html
Erik/James,
Were you a Michael Jackson fan in your tweens. Trent Reznor was doing some crazy shit, before NIN.
Awhile back , and it seems so long ago now, there was just this guy James, just an ordinary male growing up and trying to figure out himself and life. Things are different now. You have seen things and experienced things and are wiser for it. Yes some of it was negative , but some of it was positive too. I think down deep that you feel your moving towards something better, but it is taking so long and dosnt seem real or solid enough...in fact you probably feel insecure about a positive future, and there is lots of things that will drag you down and keep you from believing in it and yourself.
Your going to get there James, just keep trying to do those things and make those decisions that will enhance a stronger future. It will take time, so be patient with yourself. Some day it will just all click together and you will be so amazed at where you are as compared to today.
You know what effort it takes to reshape a body, disicipline, application of knowledge, motivation and exertion. All are needed to make it happen. You have the skills apply these same ideas to your own life. Now, your building a new life....a new existence...."reshaping" your future. It by all means is going to take the same dicipline, application of knowledge , motivation and exertion to get where you want to go.
Lonliness....yeah a lot of guys deal with it. I think just having to deal with sexuality and evolving as male can set a guy apart from the mainstream and its basically lonley sometimes....even the most attractive and charming people have to deal with it. Thats at one level.
Then there is family, and how well you get along with them ...or not. That can contribute to being lonley. Especially if you really like some members of your family and you feel disconnected from them for what ever reason. Alot of guys have to settle the accounts with thier family, especially their dads....thats a big one. After all he is the first male we have some sort of relationship with. I have no idea of your family ties other than that you deeply care for your brother and it is this caring that shows me that your value people in your family very much and that they are significant. Just something to consider as a goal in your new future...to make peace with the past. Lonliness can be somewhat of a becon drawing us to do things in life...to make peace with others.
And on yet another level is the lonliness all guys have , every last one of us, it trying to figure out what life means, why we exist, why is there so much joy or pain in life. That kind of loliness takes years to figure out. You could be the most successfull, well loved family guy on the block and yet in the still of the night when there is just you and the dark stars above and this stiring in your heart that surfaces as lonliness. I think all guys have it, and it is there for a reason....we just have to find out why. Like a becon again, it is drawing us to deeper understanding of who we are.
So dont be discouraged if you feel lonley. Its just one of the things we have to bear in life.....its a teacher......its something that will propell us to deeper relationships and understanding of ourselves. That is a positive way to look at it if it comes around again....and believe me....it will.
What can you say about a 25-year-old girl who died? That she was beautiful. And brilliant. That she loved Mozart and Bach. And the Beatles. And me.
just heard nine inch nails separates
so sorry james
sometimes a band .. a book.. something is our way of escape and when it is over.. well.. hard to deal with
i hope u are better.. i would love to chat with u.. kisses.
wish u the best
I know there's no quick remedy for when you're feeling depressed...But when you make a habit of acting with your own best interest in mind, you'll begin to heal yourself mentally, physically, and spiritually.
Sending you some good vibes.
Take care.
U want to knock someone's teeth out Rhodes? Come try to knock my teeth out. I'm a kickboxer and mixed martial artist who fights out of Ray Longo's Academy in garden city Long Island. Come fight someone who has dedicated years to understanding the act and see how you do. Tell me when and where at shredtravolta@yahoo.com. Ur the one who chose to make your living by getting fucked on camera bitch.
I won't claim to understand you or know you, but I just want to comment on some of the advice people are giving you: yes, you should take care of yourself and put yourself first, but don't ever be selfish if it means hurting other people if there's a good way to avoid it--you'll feel guilty later, whether you admit it or not.
Sounds like you could use a change of scene, whether it's NYC or just switching to a more natural diet/intake to give your liver, body, and mind a rest.
Last, the comment about community service sounds lame, but speaking personally, I get a really weird feel-good feeling out of doing something for other people, even if it's just giving $50 worth of food to a food bank.
The bulbs of narcissus are toxic if ingested. All parts of the plant can cause allergic dermatitis in sensitive humans. So, James, if you are forcing paperwhite narcissus, make sure you or your pets don't eat the bulbs. Maybe keep some ipecac on hand, just in case.
James,
Is it time? Do you think that things are not different. Why does it seems like you know things haven't changed? They probably already did. Don't get mad, or sad-or fucked and drugged up. Changes hides from us. I know I experience some change before I noticed it. I discovered your blog after surfing the gay porn nets. I notice you, because you have a beautiful look and read an article in a rag-with you being drawn as an action hero.
You're like the lone man, the hero who walks around, saving yourself from bullshit.
You're awesome, man.
sounds like you need to surround yourself with a different crowd.
It's so good to know you're OK, James. :-)
hello! look, im not speak english so good but, i read your last blog and this makes me feel like if i were who wrote this and ...let me tell you something.
Nobody except you can make you feel good, GOD loves yoo so much, repite i dont speak english so good im from Mexico. Im a christian guy and gay too, is so hard live like a christian gay, but thanks to God i wanna live and y got faith for a good way in my life, with a man or not. You can do that too man, you are gorgeous outside and but inside your are beatiful really....God bless you man and if you want a friend, this is my email...Peace Bro
Alex Storm
dark.reiko@gmail.com
You are not a replacement unless either one of you thinks you are. Then you will feel like one. Are you your boyfriend's "rebound" relationship? Does he talk a lot about he ex(s)? No? Then you are probably OK. Besides, if he has stayed with you it's for a good reason.
Unfortunately past history does not just disappear. We have to learn to live and cope with it. Fortunately, our coping mechanisms do not necessarily have anything to do with "controlling" our thoughts. (Which is almost impossible to do.) Substituting them is another matter.
Have you ever tried breathing slowly and deeply while being anxious. Deep breathing and anxiety are PERFECTLY INCOMPATIBLE. Do not allow anxiety to distract you into shallow breathing. And you have to remember to breathe deep for a sufficiently long time.
I suggest that you post an "anxiety emergency procedures list" somewhere very visible in your apartment.
Other paliatives for anxiety:
- 5-HTP: an almost perfectly harmless precursor of Serotonin. You can use it as needed IF YOU ARE NOT already taking a serotonergic antidepressant; if so, DON'T. Serotonin Syndrome is VERY BAD.
-Inositol seems quite promising for
depression. Read about it in the Wikipedia and connect to the articles at the end.
- SAMe makes some people feel very good. You have to take it in the morning, on an empty stomach, and titrate. 400 mg. is a good starting point. You can get it quite cheap at swansonvitamins.com.
- Kava Kava - a root that has calming-not-sleepy effects. Get a standardized version. There are other calming herbs around: Valerian, Hops, Passion flower... You may have to take a lot more than what it is recommended in the bottles. Titrate your herbs. Read about them in the Wikipedia, or in a natural remedies forum. Go to basementshaman.com, you may get some really powerful Kava there, along with other goodies you might like.
- NEVER USE St. John's Wort while on antidepressants.
- GHB is almost perfectly harmless if PURE AND NOT MIXED WITH OTHER DRUGS. Alcohol and GHB is a BIG NO-NO. You might die of respiratory collapse.
- Cardio exercise on a good elliptical trainer while breathing at least 20 liters of pure oxygen/minute is QUITE AN EXHILARATING EXPERIENCE. You may use the nose tube thingy. Or, even better, a non-rebreathing mask with a reservoir; so you don't waste oxygen in the outbreath. The medical disposable ones are crummy and have a small reservoir. You may have to modify a good HAZMAT mask.
As to where get the oxygen: there are oxygen concentrators that produce 10 liters/minute at 90%+ purity for about $1k each (search the net). You will need a room that has both good air exchange, and controlled temperature since the concentrators extract the oxygen from the surrounding air and generate quite a bit of heat. Make sure you plug them in different electrical LINES, not just different plugs, since they use a lot of electricity. Though only for the short time you are exercising.
Does this oxygen thing seem like too much trouble? Do a trial run with a tank. Get MEDICAL GRADE OXYGEN. Find a way around FDA restrictions (easy.) And don't let anyone convince you that pure oxygen is toxic. You would have to breathe pure oxygen for more than 24 hours straight to show toxicity.
Use a nebulizer with the tank and put some Vick's Vaporub in your nostrils so they don't get too dry.
I know this oxygen thing is work. But if you are anything like me it will leave you feeling like a new man. And in better health than ever.
By the way, I feel a bit silly writing all these things and never knowing if they are helpful or not. Please do post some feedback on your blog. Or do a Q and A section. You may even tell me to fuck off if that's what you feel about my posts. I will certainly respect your individuality.
Edgar
I guess I have become the king of technical advice. But there is a good reason for it. When I discovered the "joys" of Major Depression (at 16!) people were always telling me to "snap out of it". To "control my thoughts" because it was all my fault for thinking depressing thoughts. To "count my blessings"... You get the idea.
Fortunately, I was headstrong enough to conclude that the others were wrong (even if well intentioned). I was even told once that depression is a serious moral flaw! Still, I plodded on, and concluded that this problem was really serious. I needed powerful weapons against it. I discovered three things:
1- depression can be short-circuited by methods that have nothing to do with fighting it head-on.
2- Antidepressants really work, but they will neither solve all your problems, nor live you life for you. You remain at the steering wheel, with all that implies.
3- You have to use many different weapons, at different times, in order to keep yourself in good "working" condition.
I hope this helps you understand my somewhat special "turn of mind".
Edgar
I really like some of your music. "Stripped and "Anna Begins" still give chills. Why not add Hal/Gillian Anderson's "Extremis" to the list . I think it would fit nicely.
I know lots of songs that maybe you would like. But for now I'm only giving you this one to see if our tastes overlap sufficiently...
Edgar
So Erik, how's your day going? Anything good?
If your alone then make friends. Most people won't care about your past. We all start empty but together we can help make each other hole.
If your alone then make friends. Most people should not care about your past. Most just want to make friends. We all start off empty but over time each of us can help each other to become hole.
Parker Williams should be in more movies.
haha fist in your ass
i hope the porn industry ruined your life and i hope it continues to haunt you throughout, which it probably will when you realize everyone you will ever meet can easily go online and see you get fucked by a dozen guys. this blog is garbage.
i hope the porn industry ruined your life and i hope it continues to haunt you throughout, which it probably will when you realize everyone you will ever meet can easily go online and see you get fucked by a dozen guys. this blog is garbage.
i hope the porn industry ruined your life and i hope it continues to haunt you throughout, which it probably will when you realize everyone you will ever meet can easily go online and see you get fucked by a dozen guys. this blog is garbage.
i hope the porn industry ruined your life and i hope it continues to haunt you throughout, which it probably will when you realize everyone you will ever meet can easily go online and see you get fucked by a dozen guys. this blog is garbage.
i hope the porn industry ruined your life and i hope it continues to haunt you throughout, which it probably will when you realize everyone you will ever meet can easily go online and see you get fucked by a dozen guys. this blog is garbage.
i hope the porn industry ruined your life and i hope it continues to haunt you throughout, which it probably will when you realize everyone you will ever meet can easily go online and see you get fucked by a dozen guys. this blog is garbage.
p.s. i used to think you were hot now after reading this blog, which is full of useless tripe and endless bitching, when i see you in porn i just get this weird vibe and thoughts of you feeling sorry for yourself come to mind and i have to skip the scene. you're a fucking mess. watching you get fucked is depressing.
did i mention that i am starting to believe that you might be half retarded and collapsed so far into society that you will probably never find your way out
i am seriously so embarrassed for you. but i will stop trolling your blog now because now i just feel like an asshole. have a great life (yeah right).
oh yeah one more thing
props on your kindergarten syntax, you don't know how to fucking write worth shit
Well, sorry to get people all pissy, just been busy... i will be back to write a new blog soon, one filled with rainbows, hearts, and stars, and clowns, the possible robot. ya know all the things people love
Erik,
I saw your last show you did. You were in a lot of pain, get that thing fixed man; Tooth pain hurts a lot. Get well, you pansy.
Gaben.
Hello Erik you don't know me but I'm and artist and I don't know I guess sort of a fan as well. You are going through some serious shit and I don't know what to say. I could go through the gamut of saying oh I can fix you. But I'm not the Dr in my family my sister is. We all go through shit in our lives. I was born mixed, quarter white the rest black so I'm high yellow. I was never white enough for the white kids nor black enough for the black kids. I had the added distinction of knowing I was different at an early age. Was smart never applied myself cause I didn't want to be different from my friends. Was attracted to White guys when I first came out ,battled racism constantly, Hurtful ,evil shit being said to me. It was either be my Mandingo warrior and fuck me or I don't do chocolate I'm diabetic Or not into Nigger bottoms. Yet still I had the friends I made as an adult. I was raped in college by 5 black guys on the baseball team. Left Missouri returned to Jacksonville Florida and tried to live what sort of life I could by taking care of every friend I had along the way. All the while ignoring my own life my own dreams my own path. In 2006 I ended up meeting a very handsome black top who took 4 months of talking before I would even get to know him intimately.Having lost my home I swirled into depression and finally I slept with him. His gift was to cut the condom and purposely infect me with HIV. 6 months later the week before my 32nd Birthday I received a call at work telling me I was positive Less than a month later I had full blown AIDS and was fighting for my life in a hospital. I was dying mentally and physically.
I end up in a coma unaware of anything. All those people I had helped over the years and my two little old parents stayed by my side My sister who is VERY well know Dr in Atlanta left her job to be by my side. I was completely unaware that this was going on. I stayed in that coma for a month. When I woke there was no one around. I was alone and the sun was shining on my face. All I could think was god look at this morning. When you are in a coma for so long your body atrophies you can't walk it's hard to move. I had to learn all that over again how to write, how to draw how to walk how to live. I shared all this with you to tell you that no matter how life treats you, You have to fight. It was a hard recovery but after nearly dying I made the decision to go back to school a year later I found my first openly gay boyfriend. Not some straight guy who was confused and couldn't commit or admit who he was like so many before. Someone who saw something in me and pushed me to go to school and follow my dreams.So literally One year after dying I signed up to go to school and then I ended up getting accepted to Art School. I moved away from the city I had called home since 1981 to Ft Lauderdale. I started school in January and I've had pit falls and rises mentally since. But the trick is I'm on the path I chose. If you don't like where you are then change it or use it to your advantage to get out of where you are. I would kill to have a man who was a big and buff and beautiful as you to help to love and guide. But only you can fix you. Yes others may help you and If I were you I'd take the advise of the real friends I have.
Not the ones who want something from you or are on your coat tails for fame. Because it's a hard thing to let people go but sometime you have to just to keep a sense of sanity. I haven't had sex in year because I'm afraid of passing this shit on to someone. I miss being touched and held and being fucked or kissed and I have a lover. We just ain't fucking. I don't know if it's because of the HIV or because he's older. But that could easily be another source of depression but my passion is my art,my family, My true friends. who all stood by me when I needed them. Even when I didn't know they were their. In choosing to go back to school to change my life. I honor them and our friendships by first staying true to myself. You will fall. You will brush off. You will move on. But don't look for someone to fix you, to have the answers cause the answers they have might not be the right one for you. You have to make the choice of where you want to be for you. No one else.That is true if you stay there move to Florida or go to the other coast (which I don't suggest)Sometimes change is needed to fix things.As for you to me your strong beautiful and sexy, hung and quick witted and probably a who lot more I don't know about. You will be more than fine. Trust me I'm 34 there is life after 30. Do I miss sex? Yes do I miss the passion of men yes Do I feel like sometimes I won't find love or beloved yes. But if your human each of us feels that more than once.
Ignore the comments about being a drama queen. Writing down your emotions is a first step to dealing with them.
I don’t wanna be a nag and stuff but I personally think steroids are the worst offenders. I’m still taking some psych meds (incl. strong ones like stims) but the roids really mess you up!! I’ve staid away from them for a long time and it really shows.
Personally I would get away from New York and try California where – albeit a lot of drugs and partying – there is a large spiritually minded crowd who really believe in trying to be happy. NY is just a phrenetic assault on the nerves and it’s clear to me you can do without that – I’m talking from personal experiences, I’ve reconnected with nature, history and humanity and while there may have been some chemicals involved, it is such a wonderful release from the druggy dance night life. Try to maintain a regular bio rhythm. Even when you’re still taking drugs they’ll affect you differently and you’ll re-appreciate the simple things again. And don’t feel bad about porn, don’t let society wih its anti-sex message get you down.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting to please people, as you get older you become realistic about it. Being a pleaser means you still believe in the good side of humanity. People today are so far removed from their roots and they’re venting out their anger on people who try to integrate their sexuality in a positive way.
I wish you all the best
Cédric
I have bi-polar, also. Talk it out. Face-to-face.
I agree with Thrashed to bleedypuss, move to CA. In particular, Palm Springs. Take your partner. That will slow you down. But people care there. It's friendlier. Lots of Daddies to help you. Love you. Even take care of you if you need that. Think about it.
I know what you mean. Sometimes we wish things could stay the same or we could go back to the way things were. I wish it everyday. I had cancer and it changed my life. I feel like a shell of my former self. But you are not a replacement. You are the same person you always were, deep inside. And I think everyone feels like a punching bag at times, but to look back at how far you have come, it shows your character. It shows the true you and how much strength you have inside you.
You will be alright, I just know it. It will just take time.
-Dan
P.S. you are not selfish
ok, had same feeling, try to push your self through these hard things, try ignoring bad memories or what ever... find something what will make u happy (i dont know, maybe puppy or friend which can talk to you)
Hope this will help u. Good luck ;)
P.S. u cool
By the way, Blogger Thrashed to Bleedypuss, good point. I think posting your feelings it's the hardest thing to do in first steep.
p.s. sry for bad english ;)
Hey Erik,
Keep progressing forward in your growth and way of thinking, and know that you're worth the space in anyone's life, however, for the time being, be patient.
I send you a virtual hug. Sincerely, HRM King Marcel Duvoix (Author of the book: "Holy Legacy.")
Next time, please do go into more detail, and dont' be vague, because it helps us understand YOU.
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