Holy Shit, a new blog....
Yeah well, believe it or not i been pretty happy. My complaining has been fairly minimal and as i'm preparing myself to move my life in a completely different direction, i'm actually optimistic. This frame of mind seems kinda misplaced , since i can barely sleep lately due to the worse anxiety and panic attacks i have ever experienced and since watching the movie Zeitgeist, it has made me feel like life is absolutely worthless, but fuck it, i'm just gonna do this life one day at a time.
Anyways, that was a mouthful so i will explain,
I have said it alot and think its about time to move my ass out of the city,i have over analyzed the downsides from all angles and i'm still prepared to just throw myself out there and hope for the best. I have begun to disconnect from the terrible world i created for myself. Its kinda weird at times but honestly it feels like a weight has been lifted, i feel cleansed. I quit David Barton, NYC's super gay night club of a gym. My Myspace is gone, my facebook, that twitter thing i had for all a couple days, all gone. This is all i'm gonna give you people, and everything else is going to my bf. You know, as young as he is, he has given me some great advice and the majority of what i'm saying has been influenced by him but ultimately i have made the choices on my own... i'm tired of just giving myself away on all these sights. I'm tired of people invading my life through different platforms that i allow.
Aren't we most intrigued about people who dont give it all away?
Now every asshole on the planet thinks its cool to twitter and tell you every move they make down to the last time they took a shit, well fuck that. It's not cool. Jesus , on that thing you can learn to hate someone without ever meeting them. Its like an annoying roomate who feels they need to tell you everything they do like, "i'm going to the gym, i'm gonna take a shower, i'm gonna get something to eat" until you can only think to yourself, "please stop talking unless its to tell me your gonna drop dead." I don't need another outlet to let people judge me either, like this isnt enough. Just like the song says, this blog has stripped me down to the bone.
Moving on...
My Anxiety...jesus i have no clue whats going on, i think its my body finally telling me "i have had enough, your killing me". During the day its easy to distract, but at night when i'm about to go to bed, i start to freak out. I feel like i'm not breathing, and if its not that, i keep thinking i'm gonna die in my sleep. Then i take pills, and then i start freaking out more, thinking they are what is keeping me awake. Almost everynight i pace my apartment, i stare at myself in the mirror in my bathroom, and i watch the sunrise. I'm not sure when i fall asleep, but i tend to wake up around 2 each afternoon. Its pathetic. I hope this goes away soon.
Zeitgeist: Holy shit is all i can say. This movie finally makes it all make sense.
Shit worth listeing to...
35 comments:
Congrats on the move and all the improvements. Dumping everything else on the other sites was probably a good idea, same with the gym. I have been dying for an update, happy to hear most of it. Try to get some sleep when the sun is actually down at some point. Good lock with it all and enjoy the time with your bf and life in general.
Good Luck James.
good luck,james. a hug
here to the future, man. thanks for at least keeping this for the people who care about what's going on in your life. sounds like you found a keeper of a BF, hope things go well for you two.
sorry to hear the anxiety attacks, grew up with a mother and sister who had similar experiences (night terrors as well, etc.). my mom takes a magnesium powder in some water, says it calms her nerves. jus' sayin'. wish i could help you more with that.
again, thanks for the post. some of us still read this.
Now watch the Obama Deception, Dick Face
Dear Erik,
Thank fuck for that.
Good luck.
I wish you love, luck and happiness in every aspect of your existence.
Gordon
ps. the anxiety is a GOOD thing.
It is you waking up.
Dear Erik,
A while ago I posted a comment to you on here and I myself went through a whole lot a bf call it husband, partner whatever that passed away ( I think I am over it, and then I'm actually not, guess you know the feeling) And I actually am doing what you said you were. I de-tached myself from the people who don't care or give a rats as about me or my feelings and who don't care how I wake up or go to bed every day. I also am doing it one day at a time, when sometimes it is very hard to say the least and feel exhausted and wish I could turn back time and make it all go away. On the other hand I have a pretty solid network of good friends (some over 25 yrs. ) and they are the ones who support me and see that the gestures and them reaching out actually made and makes a difference in my life. So instead of going on and on about this and basically repeating myself, I want to wish you and all you future plans all the best and hpe you find that peace and happines you have been struggling to find and once found hold on to it and make the best possible out of it and think positive ( I know easier said then done...)
But good luck I am rooting for you, you're a great guy ( I did meet you once) and am sure whatever you put your mind too is going to succeed and become a reality. On a last note, after we met you said to me how people perceive and think of you in a certain way, and how in reality it could not be further away from the truth.
Good luck, all the best , never give up !!
Hey now don't quit on new york like that :). You can always start over without leaving. Or maybe you should just move to chicago lol Nice midwestern folks with level heads. Do you have restless leg syndrome also? point it out to ur doctor when talking about the anxiety.
FYI: Zeitgeist has a lot of holes in its logic. First off, the movie was revised a couple of times. There are three, maybe two versions. Although I dont disagree with the movie theme, I just think it useless to try to prop up different themes and label it the same title.
That said, I recently wrote a comment on your entries but Fuck WOW-Your pics are amazing. The reason people pile up or want to Suck that fat cock of yours is because you remind them of that-No Offense to you!-Jock Douche who sat in the quad, next to another Jock douche who secretly admired your cock in the locker room while your classmates admire your looks passing you by.
No Offense and all. I like your looks and wish I could be that Jock. Unfortunately, I'm not Im 6ft tall Slightly large Latino male who confused as fuck about his bisexuality (Open Ended).
Anyway, good-tell everyone to FUCK OFF! Have a nice day and don't let the door hit you on the way out! But I'd like to hear a little about how the Gay Porn industry works.
What are your feelings about Fisting! Does it feel hard to say "Hard" during long shoots, all that stuff.
Or
What you think about certain POP art entertainment. Hey, I know you probably have some kind of grudge against HOSTEL 2!
Anyway, Speak up dude.
I like your blog.
Gabe.
Alo James, Found out about ur blog like 3 months ago, and i enjoy reading ur thought, i dont see people putting out their true feelings to the world sometimes, and its amazing although we are so far apart, grew up in a totally different background, and never even met, can share such a similar mind.
Well, its too bad to know u cant sleep at night. i used to be bothered by it once so i know how annoying it could be. well, since we have the time different crap going on, if u ever need someone to chill with online. let me know, i can tell u some stories happening on the other side of the earth.
and i texted u a few times on facebook. but guess ur blog explained the reason ur not replying. its a pity. but i respect ur decision.
Well. drop me a line sometime if u want. and keep up the positive thinking! :D
I'm glad that you and your bf are doing well in your relationship and you seem in a pretty happy place as far as that goes.
I also think closing down your myspace etc is a good thing...
Your already exposed with your career out there and the press you get interviews etc but now you can keep those special moments, the times with your bf, all those things to yourself.
Maybe your having anxiety problems because for the first time in a long time things are falling into place and your at a comfortable time in your life and its never been like this ?
Oh well...so glad your finding happiness.
Dear Sir.
Read your last with some concern. I play rugby (its like american football but slightly different). Sometimes the bod just tells you its had enough and then its time to ease down just to let it catch up. Then You can hit them twice as hard. Also, in England we have the expression, "dont let the bastards grind you down"
Dear Sir
BTW, your song selection "stripped down to the bone" is haunting. My reaction to it was instant and visceral. Increasingly we live in a world devoid of certainty, fleeting. This song speaks of making (for a few moments) a connection with anouth soul. It speaks to me of pain, longing, urgent needing, I guess thats what we all need, Pelle
I have panic attack disorder Mr.... my pills help me loads! Hope you get yourself a good Doc:)
Hi James,
Glad to hear things are looking up for you, I really do hope things work out. Don't worry about the anxiety, it will pass once you start to get comfortable and accustomed to the new direction you are taking your life. All the best and I wish you a LONG lifetime of happiness, contentment, and peace.
T.
Dear Sir,
For what its worth, I would thing long and hard about taking any more pills. I get dope tested so I cant take em anyway but the anxiety attacks are a natural fight/flight reaction to the physical and phsychological circumstances in which you find yourself. To treat the symptoms is not perhaps the answer, the steps taken to deal with the underlying causal factors will be more efficacious over the medium to longer term. Pelle
I think that some of the things your doing now is very smart and very healthy. Your making moves to build yourself back up and concentrate on what's important.
Your right about the "noise" of life...like Twitter,myspace, facebook,David Barton etc etc. We all have to find ways to make our lives more peaceful and meaningful You recognized that and made a move to not only bring some calm into your life but to regain your privacy. The "noise" served as a distraction before from the pain you were feeling. Its so cool that you are healing and moving on.
Getting out of New York is kind of connected with the above comments as well. Its a step towards something new , something that represents more of your true self, something that will bring you opportunities for a better life.
There might be something deeper there about your trouble sleeping. Yes it probably has something to do with your physical body struggling. It also could have to do with what information and feelings your mind is processing, that could be contributing to anxiousness.
In that I mean , each night when we lie down were are somewhat going into the "unknown". Oh, I don't want to sound overly analytical or too creative, its just a small idea here. It's the idea that we have to face each day this "unknown" about our future and ultimate purpose and destiny in life. (....then of course everyone has to face death to but thats another topic.)
So if your at peace with all these things facing the "unknown" is not so scary, and your innner self is not afraid of what lies ahead. Life is not only at peace but sleep is as well. We truly rest.
If you are not quite at peace and have a lot of turmoil and grief about what lies ahead then facing the unknown can be very upsetting and worrisome.
To some degree you have experience great difficulty and pain in the past and you know exactly how hard it can get at times. You don't want a repeat of those days...yet some times feel the good things in life are so fragile and all could easlily vanish. You then begin to feel unsettled about the future.
Added to these feelings many times are negative influences everyone comes into contact with, which only serve to make us even more anxious. For instance,people are dealing with their own battles and negativity and sometimes its expressed in media like Zeitgeist.
Sometimes peace and happiness is a choice. We choose to filter out the negative and insecure and instead focus our limited energies on the positive and secure. We choose to have a faith in life and all its beauty and to see what is good in the world. And like a gardener planting his crop, we trust and hope that our investments will someday pay off.
I think I have written to you on this before, and I love talking about it because it makes so much sense. I only want to encourage you to keep reaching out for what is good in the world and keep listening to those things that are guiding you there. Invest and plant your energies into that which brings life, not destroys it. Your going to get there James....just keep moving one small step in front of the other.
I completely agree with you about Twitter. Not every thought needs to be expressed.
Maybe you need a real job. One that would occupy your time and mental energy. One that would force you to focus on one singular activity and divorce you from the sort of unfocused chaos that allows your mind to wonder. Sure its creative sometimes but it seems like your thoughts are pure anarchy and they fuel your insecurities. I had no clue what the hell you did till after a few blogs. Having a similar "job" and similar background I know that too much time made me go batshit crazy but felt I could only really do what I do. I envy some of my 9 to 5er friends who have stability and family. I use to look and think they were trapped but they were more or less committed to a path. Not just banking on luck and escapism. Your smarter than you think you are and weaker. Step by step but with conviction don't surrender day by day and think its ok bc its not a 5 say bender.
Thank you for bottom-lining the annoyance that is Twitter. If that damn software had a fuse I would detonate it.
Good luck, James. I believe u will be fine in the coming days.
James,
I have not seen your video's nor know much of your reputation that from reading your blog seems to follow you. But I have read some of your blog and, idk. I wanted to comment.
Don't worry so much about what others say or think about you. New York, actually any place really, is full of drama or people who want drama in their lives. But I'm glad your creating a change of pace for yourself.
I don't know you, and I probably never will, but I just wanted to say that I have a lot of respect for you for the shit you've gone through and the fact that you're still fighting and have yet to give up. I'm not gonna throw pity at you, because if it were me, I wouldn't want it anyway. I reject it and prove people wrong.
I don't know if you read your comments, but I'll put this out there anyway!
Yes, by all means, get away from the circus. Take back your life, and keep some of it to yourself and entirely private. The rest of the world does NOT need to know everything about your life or what you're doing every damn minute of every damn day. And it sounds like that's what you're doing. Good. Get yourself grounded.
After that, maybe you can try not being such a self-absorbed dick?
I'm not trying to put you down just for the fuck of it, but do you even realized how lucky you are? There are people out there who would give anything to have what you have, and I'm not even talking about the "looks". I'm talking about the chance just to live another year and have a normal, instead of dying of leukemia at the age of 24, for instance.
Stop being such a wimpy-ass douche and get out there and spend some time doing something for somebody else, something that doesn't reflect back upon you and what nice person you are for helping others. Not only will be good for you, it'll be good for somebody who desperately needs it.
And Zeigeit, by the way, is the boogie man. Dude, if you can't tell it's not real, you either need to stop taking drugs, or get on the right ones. Either way. get a fucking grip and stop being such a freaked-out little bitch. Fuck-an A.
Zeitgeist is crap, the world is a good place full of good people, don't let that movie make you paranoid, Jesus Christ. Im glad youre dropping the other sites though.
How did you like Prague? I think its a great city!
Dude!
I'm way shocked about your new blog,
But life goes on,let me ask you!
What location was your old apartment,and what was it monthly?
Chef
Congratulations on making the decision that your happiness is more important than than the rest of the stuff that's out there. It's the best decision you can ever make. You'll figure out what's going on with your body and your panic attacks -- sometimes our bodies have to react in such extreme ways when we've trained ourselves to ignore their more subtle signals. It's something you can start tuning yourself back into and when you do, the anxiety will go away.
You deserve the best, James. Even if you decide to kill the blog, it's been a pleasure getting to know even a little bit about you.
lmfao at the twitter comment, im glad someone else in the world realises what a crock of shit that site is ha ha ha, im glad things are going well for your bf and you, if you dont mind me asking where are you going to move to, i mean like, are you going to another city or the suburbs?
Erik/James!
Glad to see you posted something new on your blog!
It sounds like you're getting your priorities straight....that's a good thing.
There's nothing wrong with having yourself on all those different sites you mentioned as long as you do it smart. But I do agree, Twitter is absolutely useless!
The best of luck with the anxiety and panic attacks. I wish I could offer some great advice here but since I suffer from both of these too, I really can't.
"Hang in there" sounds so lame, I know, but it's the best I can say for now.
-Dean
How old is your boyfriend?
I hope you aren't one step away from being a NAMBLA member...
When you said your boyfriend knows a lot to be young...
well shit man you are young also!!!!
Hi Erik,
I just finished reading you blog. Yeah I hate talkative roomy’s too! Do you feel that you may just be going through your personal evolution in life?
I’m going through my Rainbow Pha(se), and it’s about the Universe Testing me?! I have many paths to cross, and many rivers to swim! But God told me, that it’s all for my own good!
“It’s not how long this happens, or what happens, that matters. It’s about what I have learned??”
That’s what my RP is all about!
Take care,
Marlon
I started having terrifying, debilitating panic attacks out of the blue last year. Ended up in the ER three times, convinced I was dying. My primary-care doc prescribed Cymbalta—it worked the very first time I took it. You might look into that or a similar med (Effexor, Lexapro, Pristiq) instead of a downer like Xanax. If you're not sleeping, Remeron and Seroquel work well and aren't addictive.
It's good to hear you move in a positive direction. Take care.
Dear James, I came late to this party. Try yesterday. N I wanted to say I appreciate how much pain u r going through. N I would also like to point out that the pain u r feeling is tantamount to the turmoil u must feel in order to get to ur ONE N ONLY.
Now why would u want to carry the weight of the whole world on those broad shoulders? Unless ur just a big ole naturer/nurterer. N we all now u have a heart of gold underneath that gruff exterior. Yet u still haven't been able to come to grips with who u want to be when u grow up. That's O.K. too. But remember u don't have forever to chose.
What I would have suggested u have already lived to a certain exent. That would be a pup or two. N I would assume u aren't in one place long enough to do that anymore. However I would like to see u get involved in an area where u can use ur celerity to help all the people u would like to. I'm not sure if that would be a charitable trust or an institution to which u could give of ur time n ur undying sense of love n compassion u wake up with each day. Ahhh the price u pay for being a great mind n lover of all things.
But u'll figure it all out in time. We all know the pleasures of falling in love n the security it eventually brings us n the turmoil it can cause at the same time. N I would love to see u take the time to use some of ur philanthropic nature on urself. Yes u need to love n nurture that boy inside u first. U didn't have an easy go of it when u were a squirt. N that's an O.K. thing also cause MANY of us didn't. But we would all love to see u suceed in everything u endeavor.
However u should consider juicing a lil less so u won't set ur self for any unnecessary rage. N possibly an unneeded to trip to emergency. Trust me n this one?!!!
I would also love to see u in touch with a competent Gay therapist. One u wouldn't have to explain urself to. That has worked beautifully for me. But most importantly u should definitely move if u want to n don't listen to those bull shit artist who tell u u can't or shouldn't. If u want a change of venue then DO IT. It can be refreshing.
But there is sssooo much I would love to tell u but u don't want to read a novella.
The Best to u n yours, Always James. Your Bud, Jeff n DE.
Post a Comment