Yeah well... not exactly any of the 7 awards i was hoping for, and seriously this was an award that might have fit me a couple years ago but not now, i guess my change in lifestyle hasn't made anyone believers just yet and i guess my shitty attitude toward the industry hasn't gained me any new fans or made me worthy of wasting real awards on, shit i didn't even win best porn star blog...i blame myself.
40 comments:
Hey - it is an honor to be nominated right ;)
You seem a little bitter about not being recognized for your work or maybe that is just bitchin to bitch.
Those awards symbolize being accepted and lauded by your peers, so the big Q of the day is ...are these still your peers?
It is funny you point to your own attitude and blame yourself. Not exactly an empowering way to look at it but it acknowledging that you are in control of your life and what you do.
Sounds like the life you are living and your reputation are not jiving to your liking. That reputation was built on what you said and did and now it has a life of its own.
LOL, that pic reminds me of how we can become excited bitch queens when awards are rained down on us. Congratulations on winning that award. When was this taken?
Hope you get some other awards too.
Im just a year younger than you. Born in 83, Do you look back and go Fuck I feel like that dude who hasn't gone anywhere. I feel like that right now. q
My peers: Good question... but no, they dont feel like they are my peers anymore, i feel like i'm outside the box once again looking in. Granted i'm not out of the industry, i'm actually heading into directing, but something is missing, i think its more the fact my head is somewhere else, i care but, i can honestly careless.
But yeah my attitude sucks and its not gonna change, at least as far as porn goes. Its become a job and just like any job once your working at mcdonalds for 5 years the thought of eating the food makes you sick, but you keep working there cuz it pays your bills. But make no mistake, that i will still put all i have into directing and the rest of the modeling i have left. You know, just because you hate working at mcdonalds doesnt mean you dont wanna get a raise, and it doesnt mean that you dont strive for notariety and praise. I guess we'll see where it goes.
Hi,James,
I know you would have liked to get an award for your work's achievements, but in your comment you show a maturity that was not there a year ago and I am glad to see that you can now look at your job for what it is, a job, not your life.
Your situation is not different to that of any Celebrity, be he or she a Hollywood star , an athlete or a porn star, straight or gay, and you seem to begin to be able to accept it and to separate the real James from the public Erik Rhodes.
Let me cut it short, even if it will not matter much to you, I am proud to consider james among my friends.
A hug, Bruno.
If you didn't think the award for the biggest slut suits the way you are today why did you accept it? You should have send a note saying thanks but not thanks. No one is going to look at you differently if you keep don't change the way you behave. Accepting the award just reinforces the way they look at you.
hey!
Don't blame yourself.
You'd win my "best porn star blog" but you'd also win an "notable person's interesting blog prize too."
Hey, they can't see what they're missing. That'll always happen with some people.
Good luck at directing. Kudos to you for finding the good in a situation that you're not always happy with.
Don't feel bad. You changed for the better, and that is all that matters. I'm glad to hear that your gonna into directing and hope that it will work out for you.
If it was up to me, you would have won ever award, just because you are my favorite!
Be good James!
xoxo
hey James, i love the pic. i made it my desktop.
love ur blog no matter it got the award or not.
Well while you did not get the award that you truly wanted professionally at least personally you are reaping the awards of a good strong relationship with someone that is worthy of you.
I wish you continued good luck with that for in the end that is all that really matters, that and your real friends and family.
really should blame yourself. I was there and for some reason I thought you'd be a nice guy in person. Turns out you're just another guy who thinks hes "too cool". I'm taking you off my reader. (not that you care). I can't help but be disheartened. I was really looking forward to meeting you. and please dont write me off as a bitter queen. Just please be more aware at ur next event. Ur attitude really hurt.
james, so u not gonna use facebook no mo?
Who win the best porn star blog?
Don´t blame urself... That the deal with the people, they will think that you are something because of ur past... You don´t need to prove anything to anyone... Just live your life...
Diesel Washington, who can't spell or write a decent sentence to save himself, won best blog. Which should give you some idea of the merits of these awards anyway. It's just the industry jerking itself off.
1-There are a million sluts as bad or worse than you out there. They are just not famous. A dose of humor always helps.
2-Unless you REALLY are going to leave Earth at 30, you really have to start getting a lot smarter (and moderate) about your drugs (including steroids and smoking). The consequences can be horrific, and you may last a long time suffering them before dying.
Here are some Pharmaceuticals for your consideration. YOU WIll NEED A DOCTOR. Find one that's gay, open minded, does not think he knows everything, gets to know you, and understands the concept of "lesser evil".
Here's the list:
1- Dilantin (Phenytoin)- an anticonvulsant that for some, works wonders as an anxiolytic, mood stabilizer and instant antidepressant. Get the book "A Remarkable Medicine has been Overlooked" By Jack Dreyfuss.(Try Amazon.) Not for you. For your doctor. He will probaly not know anything about the other uses of this drug.
2- Lexapro (Escitalopram)- An anti depressant with the mildest side effect profile I have ever tried. Also prescribed for Generalized Anxiety Disorder. *Prozac makes some people feel great, but if you stop taking it, it may not work again. It gave me the ride of my life, and then quit on me, (this is sometimes called Prozac poop-out). You may want to try it first, but don't get discouraged if it quits on you too.
3- Wellbutrin - A (semi) Dopaminergic antidepressesant. (Meth) Amphetamine use depletes Dopamine. This medication will (somewhat slowly) help you get some
"savings" of this neurotransmitter in your brain by inhibiting its synaptic reuptake.
4- Naltrexone - cuts some drugs cravings. I don't know if it is for you, but at least it seems to work at low dosages and its side effect profile is mild at such quantities.
5- BuSpar (Buspirone)- A long term anxiolytic that inhibits panic attacks. In my experience you don't feel anything, only that the panic attacks disappear.
6- Marinol (Tetrahydrocannabinol) Given to cancer patients to stimulate their appetite. It can also act as an analgesic potentiator, anxiolytic, and a very clean substitute for Marijuana.
Finally, a few pointers-
-Get educated about Pharmacology. You HAVE to be able to be intelligently conversant with your doctor, or you will get whatever the fuck they feel like giving you, regardless of whether it fits or not. (Usually the latest shit they got samples for.)
-In my experience good psychiatrists are rare. An Internal Medicine Specialist is probably a better bet. Listen to the grapevine. A consult with a good Clinician, or even a seasoned RN can be a godsend.
-Psychologists are for talk therapy. Psychiatrists are worthless for that.
-Tend to avoid antipsichotics. Many ,not all, have very nasty side effects. Possible notable exception: Geodon. If they offer you Zymbiax as a mood stablizer/antidepressant, say no immediately, ask for Lamotrigine instead. No Go? Walk away.
-Avoid Methadone like the Devil. Once you start it's almost impossible to stop taking it. The withdrawal effects are horrible, and POTENTIALLY DEADLY.
By now I'm pretty sure I've bored you to a snooze. Just keep this info handy. It could save you a lot of pain and frustration in the future.
Once again,
Psychopharmacologically yours:
Edgar
So, you want to direct? Start by looking at the things you don't like about making porn. I bet that could be a goldmine of ideas about how to do things differently.
Personaly I detest money shots. I know what passionate sex looks like. I don't need to see semen to prove that they were really doing it.
Start building you own "best porn" study/research collection. Also watch successful tv shows, you might learn a few things about color schemes and editing styles. (The mini-series Moonlight comes to mind.)
Formal education can't hurt. I've heard Full Sail in Orlando, Florida Can make you a technical expert in one year.
Too, if you work at McDonald's and hope to be named Employee of the Month, you don't go around saying, "McDonald's ruined my life."
I know how it feels to be in a situation where you have to pay the bills and that determines the choices you make. But I am "forcing" myself to get out of my self imposed box and see what I can do. Yeah its scary and it is causing me to lose sleep, but I just keep the faith that there is something better, that I am not on the right path now and really need to push elsewhere. I am taking the dicipline and centeredness gained from such things as bodybuilding and using that to redirect. I think you need a little push to do the same so I am giving it. You know deep down that you want to do this, so it is actually counter productive and against the grain of your personality to not pay attention to your instincts. Your at the perfect crossroads to change. so take the plunge and dive in. I am sure you will be more than surprised at how well you really can swim in a new life. :-)
Our pasts keep following us until we find a way to make peace with them. You're making progress with it all, James, just because you're not all the way there doesn't mean you haven't come a long way already. Give it what you got and let things work out the way they're gonna work out.
Whatever u got or not, James, you are a good man.
hey erik!! just be grateful
about winning something.. right??
remember that,, be grateful about everything that u have,,, even bad things because u learn something from everything,, absolutely everything.,
it makes me so happy to hear that u are much better than before,, me too!! so we are sharing a "happy state of mind"
about the award... u are a slut! but a damn hot one! some of us are nothing,, not even sluts!! so u should be happy!! Since I watched u on the first falcon movie I ever saw I was sooo pleased with u,, your body, face and everything..
then i found this blog and i read ur feelings and well,, that was it.. i admire u and consider u a beautiful person in every way.
wish u the best erik,, i really do. kisses
Erik, still enjoy your viewpoint and sense of humor. I do hope that si what it is, I love sarcasm too! Sorry you did not get all you desired, perhaps next year.
Can I get an invite to the new sites of yours XXX etc?
Thank you, Jayson
judd2@hotmail.com
yo james,
i know its been a while i guess but do u still have the sleeping problem?
ive some japanese stuff u can try. well, if u want.
its herbal stuff so its totally good. and yeah, i can but one for u and send it ova if u want. just drop me a line if interested
Hey Erik,
I am not exactly sure why I am on here...its really late and i was a little horny because my bf is on the other coast for the summer so i was looking for some porn...but here it goes...
I have to say man, until reading this blog I always kinda envied you. Please dont take that the wrong way. I lived in your building in NYC for a few months while I was modeling in the city. I rode in the elevator with you a few times, and I have to say I always wanted to be you. I thought being a porn star and living your life would be so carefree and fun. You knew that some people didnt approve and you said fuck it! I knew that I myself would never be able to do that because of my family's overbearing ways, but I thought it must have been so liberating to be able to do so. We also went to the same gym, I think probably the only ones that rode from midtown to chelsea to go there, and I just couldnt understand how you were so big dude! But that is besides the point. I have to say I am so saddened by the way you describe your life on your blog. I have recently given up modeling and decided to go to law school. I moved to miami about 1.5 yrs ago and just finished my first year of school. At first I was bartending down here, but have since totally left the scene to just concentrate on school. I say all this to tell you man, you can do it. You can totally change your life. 27 is young, and despite some minor problems, you have your health and thank God, the mental capacity to make another life for both you and your boyfriend. I am on this new kick where I am just grateful for what I have, my health, my education, my family, my relationship and not always wanting more material things. If you have that attitude, everything is a bonus. You have these things too man, and are so lucky. There are so many people in the world who wish they had a tenth as much. I really wish you the best man, and hope that you dont continue to view the next 3 years of your life as a death sentence, but as a future that you can build for yourself and your bf. Goodluck man, and God bless.
hi Erik,
Sorry to come here to write this subject but I saw an profile ab out you on realjock.com and it seemed to real that I dropped a message.
In case not, you are awarned anyway.
Furthermore, I would like to say that Iam great fan of you and your movies, on my humble opinion you are the best actor ever! I saw no one playing like you!!!
Best regards,
Henrique
Sorry for neglecting your blog for a while since I've been neglecting my own as well. (until after Grabbys since I figured I need to write something)
Here's this thing I didn't told you at the Grabbys, because I don't know if it was the right place and the right time to tell you (I don't want to be the person spoil your night)...
I still have my faith in you on the changes you're going through, eventhough I didn't express my optimism over and over recently. Since Day 1 (or week 1/2) of your blog launches I always believe Erik / James will come out from this dark tunnel. Don't be afraid of disappoint because I won't, and the current path you're on is rocky so all you need is the courage to keep on moving forward.
By the way that award was rather silly, but kind of interesting IMO. Whether winning an award is one thing, but I think getting top recognition from your fans means more than everything.
Nice to talk to you and thanks for your one-liner advice on escorting :)
I am not a frequent reader of the blog and to be honest I stumbled into it by accident but damn did I find gold. Your bolg is very interesting and its well written ever think about publishing it into a book or a memoir, I think you will do very well. Before I say anything I wanted to say kudos not a lot of people can write what you write about and also to do so eloquently is a nice touch. Awards are meant for those that play the game of politics correctly bashing the industry isn’t the way to go about it. But that’s the price you have to pay if you want to voice your real opinion and not censor it or hold back. You should feel satisfied that your fans appreciate the worth of your work and enjoy it, whether they agree with you or not that’s another matter. From reading a few entries I think it’s a good idea to lay low for a while get yourself together and sort out whatever problems you got. Getting a gazillion opinion and input on something isn’t gonna help you out much, its just gonna confuse and complicate things for you. I also read the part where you said that somebody made a comment about you and the person that you were dating at the time and how it was a shame that he wind up with somebody with your profession. Well every job comes with a stigma and a preconception. Doctors are smart and they are all knowing is that true no not really but every body expects them to be, lawyers are liars and cheats again not entirely true. People come up with those things to make themselves feel better, as you probably know people enjoy putting others down and that’s just how we are. So just ignore and move on. Perfection every body would like to have and you know what I think that is an excellent goal to work toward so long as it doesn’t consume you. Working out 7 days a week, damn you are crazy I can’t even get myself to go to the gym for a couple of hours. But if that makes you feel relaxed then do it. I think you take steroids and with that comes mood swings so relationships that are hard become that much harder to cope with. One last piece of advice you have Internet like the rest of us before you take anything read about it and way the side effects versus the benefits and ask yourself is it really worth it. Dude just take it one day at a time and learn to relax its okay to be confused and lost just don’t let that overshadow the good moments and things that might be happening around you right now.
Making porn does not make you less of anthing: (human,good,attractive...).
But there is a problem with sex in general: a lot of the pshychic energy (both good and bad) of the people you have sex with sticks to you. If you do not become conscious of this, it will drive you crazy.
You will need to seek peace, and PERFECT SOLITUDE frequently. Develop cleansing rituals that do not include recreational drugs. (The drugs will make you insensitive to how your psychic energy is doing.)
A long soak in the tub (you NEED one). With LOTS of candles around, while you do some deep breathing exercises might do the trick. Extra heavy duty cardio exercise will also help, partly because it forces you to breathe deeply.
Find a yoga class where they teach breathing techniques.
As you can see the kind of advice that I give is mostly "technical" in nature, and hence, reasonably feasible. So please, do apply some of it. And do give some feedback on how things work for you.
Best regards,
Edgar
Erik/James!
Umm, congrats on the award!
What the hell was the actual award made out of?! That looks like a garbage can lid decorated and wrapped in clear plastic!
Damn, they must have a really low budget! LOL
Oh well. An award is an award.
-Dean
sopme people find hard to believe a person can change and refuse a lifestyle than used to be his/her.
i understand what you say, i have also changed my lifestyle in two years, i am not a saint, but now i would'nt do things than i did before.
be recognize as "the biggest slut" wouldn't be funny for me now.
but the important thing is what you think about yourself.
why the fuck would you ever think you would win best porn star blog? all you do is bitch about your horrible life. nobody fucking gives a shit they just want to see you get fucked. i don't think i've ever read anything on this blog without thinking to myself "what the fuck is he even talking about what a fag".
making porn actually makes you pretty lazy by glorifying and profiting off of a basic human activity
all you do is just let everyone see it happen, fuckin' slut. i hope the porn industry ruined your life and i hope it continues to haunt you throughout, which it probably will when you realize everyone you will ever meet can easily go online and see you get fucked by a dozen guys. this blog is garbage.
Erik, I guess you truly do reveal the addictive side of porn, as addictive apparently as any drug, and as destructive. But I think it would help to look more closely at how the "narcissistic complex" affects your life. The narcissistic person does not have a huge ego but conversely a very damaged ego and negative sense of self that needs constant validation, like perhaps by having people see them have sex in porno movies. It's like screaming to the world: hey, look at me, I'm hot! I'm desirable! I'm worthy! But it's porn, you're always going to have guys that love to watch it but look down at the guys who actually do it. In German philosophy they have an expression: Das Ding an sich, which basically means, "the thing in itself." The thing in itself about porno is that the viewer loves to watch you get fucked. PERIOD. It can be good porn or bad porn but that's about it, the guys want to see you get nailed. And they (and the production companies) are always going to watch you go further, see how much more you will take, what else extreme you will do. Any performer has to know when it's time to say: ENOUGH and exit the stage. For your own sake. Like any addiction the only way to cure yourself is by stopping the addictive behavior. You're young and you can save yourself if you really want to. But you have to keep in mind that some of us don't want to be saved.
Mr.Rhodes is it possible for me to mail you
please
i know it sounds silly
but i need to talk to you
i mean i will never disturb you
I Param from india
i am your big fan
you are my idol
i need to talk to you please
well please
thanks
ps do you have email address
thank you so much
you are the best
you are honest
Param
India
Dear Erik,
Your award is just being yourself, and being true to who you are, and also living your life's purpose. That is an award no one can take away from you.
You will come to a place in your life, when you'll realize I hope, that your greatest award or reward, is being comfortable in being you.
My best as always for you, Sincerely, HRM King Marcel Duvoix (Author of the book: "Holy Legacy.")
Post a Comment