And I Am Awake...

Another Blog...
This one comes from Prague, but i'll will get into that later...

So i been spending all my free time in Staten Island. While there, i take everything is my life that can somehow cause me drama, and i put it in my personal back seat. no, not even in the beatseat, i basically duct tape it and leave it for dead in the trunk. My computer (myspace aol, facebook, this blog), my phone, my career, is basically forgotten and i spend all my time on what matters to me most at this point in my life and thats building my relationship with my Bf.
I have talked all this shit about Staten Island but, it funny, this is the place where i have found alot of personal space and peace. Granted i think that most of this is due to the fact that most the people on Staten Island are such materialisc slobs that a gay porn star can go easily unnoticed. Yet if i drove a nice car, was wearing a fresh new pair of 300 dollar jeans or had some sort of new gucci ascessory, i would have most the people around me's undivided attention.
But trust me, this is not me complaining. As much as i detest materialism, i enjoy just being James alot more. This place has become a great escape, this place has let me relax.
And beyond my overdue need for sense of self, the time here has been more valueable than just starting to feel like myself again, but its been allowing me to continue building a relationship that seems to get more solid as each days passes. Of course there has been plenty of bumps in the road, some more serious than others, and some completely stupid and rediculous, yet we have endured them all and realized how much we honestly mean to one another. Its began to feel like a light that will never dim and a love that will never die. The weird part is i never thought i would ever be so head over heels in love with anyone ever again, infact, i dont think i have ever felt this way about anyone in my past. I have always given up so easy and for some reason, i can't let this one go, i dont think i'll ever want to. I have began picturing a healthy life, starting a family and growing old together... this is so unfamilar... just letting someone completely in... letting my selfish ways become a thing of the past, i dont know. It doesn't feel like me but its alright and it feel like for once its gonna be alright.
I'm trying to stop myself right now, from writing... "i could be wrong" , i really dont want to, but i could be. It wouldnt be the first time i see nothing but good things ahead of us as a couple and they just see the relationship as quicksand at the end of a rainbow. Like always, thats bvasically always my fault, but this time around, i'm stepping away from the edge, turning around and relying on him, for arms i can fall into. I actually trust in the fact that he is gonna be there for me and for once in my life i'm gonna make damn sure i am there for him.
The funny thing about the relationship, is that it really took awhile for me to take him seriously, i didnt expect much, i didnt think i would learn anything, i wasn't sure it would go anywhere... i was completely wrong. I'm not sure if he even does it intensionally, or maybe it just the way he is but he without even trying is making me into a better person.
If he ends up leaving me, i'lltake more from our short relationship than he'll ever know.

(Sorry about the spelling my spell check wasnt working)