Monday, February 16, 2009

"What A Shame" (first part)

Oh god, where do i begin...

Well, i'm 27 now. Nothing spectacular about it. Its honestly kinda funny, I keep saying to myself, "how the fuck did i get here?". Its been so long, i feel like i have lived so my lives by now. I feel old. I think i'm starting to look old. This hard life i forced my body to endure is starting to show. I get a nosebleed almost everyday, my heartburn feels like i'm constantly being stabbed in the chest, my knees ache, my body aches. Painkillers are crutch in my life and just not for recreational use.
Pathetically i have even considered botox and all this other bullshit to help my battle with aging. If that isn't a new low for me... has vh-1 and this self absorbed society finally gotten to me to? If steroids and the couple hundred pills i pop a day weren't enough, what else can i do look pretty just alittle while longer? Who cares if my liver in struggling to work, who cares if it feels like i'm being punched in my kidneys all day long...honestly who cares. You know, turning 27 i sit there and say myself "only 3 years left, i better make them good". Oh... i have given myself and expiration date, kinda like a carton of milk. You can't expect things to last forever, and with the way things are going, 30, i'm just gonna call it quits. That's if i even make it to 30. If things get better then i might change my mind but, that is what is engraved in my brain at the moment.
I just don't have passion for this life anymore. i Have fucked things up so beyond repair that i can never feel normal again. I try. I honestly do, but there is always someone there to get my head that drops me down a level regardless if i'm doing nothing wrong.
Two great examples.
The other night, i went to this half a dyke-fest trash bar with my bf. I honestly try to blend in as much as possible and i really don't make a show of myself, cuz in all reality, its nice to not be noticed at this point, but regardless it never works, anyways on the way out, i wait for my bf to smoke a cigarette and he over hears a conversation from this group of faggots saying how hot he is, but what a shame that someone like him is with a porn star. It kept repeating in my head. "what a shame, what a shame, what a shame". I started to believe it. It is a shame, the label i give my bf for being with me. The shame i bring on my family, and anyone else around me. The shame i have made of myself. It still make me sick just thinking about it.
the other.
My friend said he was talking to this guy online. They had tryed to set up acouple dates or whatever and there plans fell through. Eventually they kinda stopped talking and the kid began going nuts on my friend. He started trash talking my friend and he even went to the extent to say, "I see your best friend is Erik Rhodes..." and began to trash my friend for being friends with me. Like guilty by association now if your even friends with a porn star.
Where do i get a break?
I have even considered just changing myself all together. Get permanent eye color change, dye my hair, lose weight and become someone else all together.

I'm not done with this blog, i just need to collect myself and walk away from this for a min.

121 comments:

mstabile74 said...

They're all fucks. No matter what you do -- no matter what any of us do -- they are going to bitch and moan, and be jealous, and be catty, and try to tear you down.

You're a good man, Charlie Brown. You may have valid concerns about porn, but the dickhead at the end of the bar shouldn't factor into the equation.

YvesPaul said...

For all its worth, happy belated birthday!

I feel the same way as you do. Feels like I've messed up my life and I'm tired of it already. But I think it could be normal. We just have to find things to ignite our passion again. Although I don't know what it could be yet. Heteros would have kids by now.

bywayofbmore said...

1. Get out of New York City. Even just for a weekend. The whole world is not like that. Head to the mountains or the country. Sit by a lake with your bf and just relax. It'll do wonders for you.
2. Go see a doctor. Get your insides right, get some physical therapy, and get off the pills.
3. There is no reason you should feel bad about being in porn. If you don't want to do it anymore, that should be your choice. Don't let other people make you feel ashamed.

messiasx said...

so sad.. i wish you well.

Jeremy Feist said...

*Sigh*...In case you haven't noticed by now, people can be pretty friggin' sucky. There's nothing wrong with you as a person, or with what you do. Stop listening to people who obviously don't give a shit about you, or themselves for that matter. You don't have an expiration date stamped on you, so why the hell bother with the opinions of people who couldn't rub two brain cells together to light a match?

And please, for the love of god, don't get botox. That shit is the weirdness. Getting older isn't the worst thing in the world, and you really don't want to end up like that crazy chick who looks like a cat. Glurg.

gavin said...

WHO GIVES A FUCK what haters think?

Or society, for that matter?

Do the gossipers pay your bills? What the fuck do they do for YOU? Why would you live your life for these people or let their hot air bother you in any way?

So long as you don't harm them, you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of.

I decided a LONG time ago not to live my life for society's approval or even my family's.

That's why I came out of the closet!

You shouldn't need or respect their approval at all. They don't do SHIT for you and you don't bother them.

You give these absolute strangers and HATERS so much power over your life and feelings.

Why?

Tom Gaylord said...

Well I'm 29 Mr so 30 if an ideal expiration date, I'm fucked........ :)

200 pills a day? What on earth for?

Anyways - If all else fails, you should write.... I think you write very movingly and I think you've got a pretty compelling tale to tell...

Cheers
Thomas:)

me said...

well erik
seems like you are not getting better..
i read you story and it seems like you are going through a thing that i call "getting chased".. you are aware of absolutely everything and everyone.. what they say, what they do, how they act, if they do sth to you, et etc. luckily i started therapy and i am much better now, a feeling of "fuck you all" is in me now, and it feels so much better than the chasing thing.. just think about it.
YOU ARE NOT OLD!! i mean 27?? you have a life,, a huge life ahead! it is the truth!! please do not consider botox or any crap like that, i think that if you consider that as an alternative then you will be very dissapointed and you'll regret it a lot.. the bad feelings are only going to intensify if you do that..
do not do sth like changing you hair or lose weight if you don't actually need it.. don't lie to yourself. about porn, there is nothing wrong with it, it is a job like any other,, i am sure that those persons say to you that it is horrible but i bet my ass that they have watched porn sometime, right? hypocrites! well there we found a feeling of "belonging". if you hadn't acted on porn movies.. lots of people wouldn't have had a moment of entertaining.. i think the best solution right now, would be taking vacations, getting away for a while from everything and everyone,, then you will see what to do.. right now think about the present

kisses and hugs.

PD. no to pills or drugs, it's all in the head,, the world unfortunately is filled with bad people and bad situations,,, they are part of our lives... our job is to receive them,, deal with it, see if it's harmful.,., and then decide what to do... usually overcome they and throw away all bad stuff,, no one needs that.

edmcan said...

I agree with everyone here, in some ways.

Why you choose to listen and believe bar people and every catty bitch within earshot, is beyond me.

Botox at 27 is ridiculous and you know it. You're not aging James, you're maturing. While it's highly dramatic to give yourself and expiration date, it's absurd. So, on you're 30th birthday you'll just go up in a puff of smoke? How Criss Angel of you!

Heal your body, heal your mind and rise above the weird drama that is New York gay society.

klocasci said...

"I just don't have passion for THIS life anymore."

What can you do to create a new one?

Have you been to a doctor for an exam? Not the wax museum doctors for botox...but an actual doctor who can make certain everything is working correctly inside you?

Aging is gonna happen regardless...how to you want to deal with it? Botox isn't bad until you start looking like an alien with no facial expressions.

No person should feel they have to plan an expiration date. You aren't a commodity...why force yourself into living life like you are a product to be bought and sold?

As for assholes trash talking you...I don't know how else to say it...they are here now...they have always been around...and they will always be around. They will find whatever thread they can to unravel a person's world. I have day-dreamed a time or two of gathering every asshole I have ever encountered in life and running over them with my car...and then throwing it in reverse and going back over them 2 or 3 times. I would be at it for well over a year. (Hell the first six months would just be people from junior high and high school). There are people who are going to find fault with others until the end of time.
You have people in your life that care about you and want you in their lives regardless of what others say to them. Focus on them and leave the rest to hate anyone and everyone they want.

Do whatever it is that you need to do to break out of all of the garbage. If dying your hair blond or red or magenta is going to help...do it. Get some glasses...grow a beard and mustache...get contacts that make your eyes ever color known to man. Lose weight...I shudder to even say it but...maybe even gain weight (...it's gay hate speech I know). Move out of NYC...move to a better part of NYC...move to Orlando FL and work at a theme park...move to Washington DC and work at the nation's biggest theme park...Bailoutland.
Do something...ANYTHING that shakes up the routine that is causing you to feel so bad.

edmcan said...

PS. Physically, you are one big moose of a guy. Your chest is as wide as 3 people standing together and you're 6'11 and can't understand why you just can't blend in???? I've got news for you James, changing your eye/hair color and losing weight is not going to make you assimilate or 'disappear' in a crowd. Be proud of yourself-who wants to 'fit-in' anyway?

Belisarios said...

As long as you keep caring what other people say and think, you are not a free man but a slave.

jq2002 said...

Hi James, I am glad that you are still ready to open up in this blog, But I do not understand why You give so much importance to a bunch of losers that are eating their own liver in envy for you. You are still young and would be in great shape if you would stop abusing your body with pills, drugs and steroids. You say your body hurts. Don't you think it is the way it tries to tell you it is time to change your way of life?
take a vacation, James, get away from NYC, go to some caribbean island, let your beard grow, go under your real name; and Go ALONE, do not carry with you any of your insecurities, or your guilt. Just relax on a beach and if someone has seen one of your films and come to you asking if you are ERIK RHODES, just say you just like a lot like him.
I turned 67 4 months ago, I am not handsome, my joints start to hurt too, I have lost several people i loved in my life, not many friends left (we grew up in the "Blessed years" when Aids was unknown and so a lot of us were not so lucky as I was.
But I look forward to spend a lot more years on this earth.
and so should you.
In your last blog, a month ago, you seemed ready to get out of that city and circle of acquaintances who feast on your insecurities. But you are still there.
And why don't you get in contact with some of your partners, like matthew R.? go and visit him in Florida,
I know you are thinking I am just an old babbling fool, but I really care for james, not Erik.

Anyway try to look ahead with a more positive state of mind, my young friend; contact me if you want to let go some more steam in private.
A big hug, kiddo, Bruno

Andrew said...

Christ, and I thought Ireland was small. Having to agree with those people who say get out of NY. All gay ghettos induce cabin fever. Come on over here to Europe, we're simply delightful! We're used to giant viking types. We take a big man in our stride... as it were. Jokes done, it is good to get a break and clear your head. Travel makes you rely upon yourself again.

Also, there's no harm in going to talk to a professional for a wee while. Good to talk to someone who has no/fewer preconceptions, because sometimes talking to friends is like talking to your own history. Get an outside view.

Oh, and talk to an accountant. Getting money shit in order is just so therapeutic (you can destroy capitalism after you've sorted out your balance sheet; that way when the revolution comes you'll be able to afford it).

Practical steps, see? Also, thank you for introducing me to Sia's music. Loving. That is all.

AJ said...

This just goes to show that those in the adult entertainment industry are no different than any of us. It is easy to say, don't listen to the haters, but some people are more susceptible to being affected by comments made by vicious, jealous, catty people. The only reason why you feel shame for doing porn is because of those people. I would guess that there are quite a few men in porn who feel no shame for doing what they do and I would imagine that you have worked with a few of them. You have done great work over your entire career. If you were my younger brother, who happens to be a year older than you, I would give you a swift kick in the ass and then we would sit down and try to figure things out. Just reading through the comments, you have a lot of people supporting you, not just because they are fans, but because they have a genuine concern for your wellbeing. Take a vacation and get away from it all. I wish nothing but the best for you.

Adam Sank said...

Blah blah blah, yadda yadda yadda, poor me, poor me, same ol' same ol'.

Your life will change when you change it. How many times do you have to hear that before it gets through that big thick skull of yours?

dj said...

The irrational criticism of you merely indicates that they are jealous of you. They want to be you, they want to live your life, they wish they looked like you, they wish that they were a pornstar. You've accomplished a lot. Sit back and enjoy it!

Mister S said...

Some things get better with age.

Aaron said...

Oh for pity's sake. I tried to be empathetic, as many people have on here, but Jesus! Quit whining! Your life is not some toilet bowl of despair. The Somali woman who has three kids, two of whom are HIV+, is under the control of a warlord and has no way of getting food and medicine for her children short of selling her body. That lady has problems. You? You are just some bi-polar fag who seems to vent on here without wanting to take any real steps to make any changes.

ENOUGH! I know it's hard but for christsakes, will you get your head out of your own ass and do something about it?! Otherwise, you'll just sit and mope your entire life. And please, 30 is not the end. It's the end for all those gays who locate their self-esteem in their looks alone. How cliched. You have a blog. Presumably, you have a mind. Why not take some time developing that instead of your body? Taking care of yourself is important, don't get me wrong. But it is not the end all be all of someone's existence. I pity you if you only think you are worth how you look. That's indicative of someone who permits themselves to live in a two-dimensional world and not a three-dimensional one.

Do something about it!

Mao Lei said...

Happy birthday, my dear James, I hope every day is a happy birthday.
I read all the posts & comments here. It's funny by your specification, I was an expired man from two years ago. ^_^ Yes, here is a 32 years old Chinese boy in Beijing, have nothing in this world but hope. I can feel the similar feeling on physical disorders and death like you, when I was 11, I got some diseases with my liver, which can hardly been cured, on the other hand our family didn't have enough for it. From that time, I had a vision in my mind that I will die by liver cancer soon. Now 20 years passed, I'm still OK. Everyday is a new day for me, I smile and treat everyday as a new start to chase my dream. In China, gossips are everywhere for a people like me, a 32-years-old man doesn't marry, doesn't make girl friends, doesn't have house or car, doesn't have steady life... people is always asking even I tell them I'm gay. They're a part of my life, like snacks.
Why should I care what others are talking about me? The mouths are theirs, the life is mine. Their stupid mouths are none of my business, I do nothing wrong on my life. Like you, James, you're a great guy, enriches so many people's dreams, I don't want to see you in distressed. James, just chase your own happiness, throw all the craps into trash can, live in the happy mood. It's normal we get up and down sometimes, but I hope you can get out of the trouble as soon as possible. At least, so many nice guys are supporting you here. Please, for the sake of the people who loves you like me. Enjoy you life, cause you deserve it.
Mao

roman said...

Its like you let 'em win.. those shitty fucks that really dont worth anything and forget about your fans.. cuz we all see you absolutely different, from your lighter side. Why do they care about who you are, cant they just think about themselves? Who they are to judge you if they even didnt get close to reach your highs? And yup, I think you did a great job and may be 27 is not really enough, maybe youll find more reasons to strive. Yeh, man, you gotta feel happy and were all happy for ya. By the way I really fall for ya with every new post not as beefcake but with man who has honor and dreams. And thats what makes a gay to be proud. You should be

Marc said...

James, it sucks that you have people judging you for doing porn, but you're going to run into that until you stop judging yourself for it. That said, call it quits now. By that I mean, quit trying to prove your worth to other people and control the peanut gallery. That's when you get a break -- when you decide that you're willing to start learning to love and respect yourself. Give your body a break, give your relationship a break, give your mind a break, give yourself a break. Whatever unrealistic standard you think you need to live up to in order to be loved, respected, beautiful or whatever, just give it up. You never needed to meet it in the first place. Your new life starts whenever you want it to, the only thing holding you back is you.

You've always been beautiful and worthy of respect, love and all the things you've always wanted, James. I'll keep repeating it in the hopes that at some point you're ready to listen.

Matt L. said...

I am sure this may seem random having no actual connection to you personally, however I apologize that you have these feelings. I think people loose sight of the fact that you are human. You have this larger than life iconic persona, that people don't find themselves identifying with. So with that disassociation comes lack of compassion, because in their minds you can do anything, so their comments are out of jealousy and anger. The truth is, you are human, with feelings, and thoughts. This is your job, you do what you want because at the end of the day, the people who are around you that care for you would not leave or judge you for the decisions you have made. Do what you want because someone will always have something to say and you will always be judge, so may as well do what makes you happy. Make decisions for you . live for yourself. I appreciate you for being human and I commend you for being vulnerable enough to share your emotions with the public.

Joey7777 said...

A 27 year old man caring what others think. LOL. Manhattan is full of children, and you're one of them. I thought you were going to leave NYC anyway.. ?

Dodger Dredd said...

You have got to start loving yourself first. That might sound pussy but it's true. You're not the only one who has regrets. We all do but for Chrissake you haven't killed anyone, fucked somebody up. There are people walking around on this earth with blood on their hands and I bet they sleep a lot better at night than you do. You have got to stop this self-hatred. So you made porn. There are a lot of people and I mean a lot of people who enjoy it. It is the backbone of the Internet. The internet would not exist without it. That is the God's honest truth and it's not something I made up either. You are so handsome, and I mean so-handsome-it-hurts handsome. Poor slobs like me would never be lucky enough to land you or someone like you but you've been kind enough to share that part of yourself. So we get experience what it would be like to have sex with you second hand, the proverbial fly on the wall. You're not the first one to bare it all for the camera and I am sure you're not the first one who now regrets it but I'm sure there are those who just said OH WELL and just kept on moving. That's where you need to be. Moving. You don't have to be stagnant. And stop this death wish you have. Don't you think there are people there who want you be around beyond your 30th birthday? I am sure there are and I know nothing of your family and friends. And these silly faggots; that's exactly what they are. It all comes down to jealousy. That green eyed monster. People who covet and then tear to shreds what they cannot have. But for God's sake and I know you don't believe in God but for the sake of goodness and kindness START LOVING YOURSELF.

me said...

i apologize,,
din't know that your name wasn't erik and you maybe don't want to be named like that... i'm sorry james..

let me tell you that i've been sad and alone for the past three days... i was very bad, and i cried frequently.. but right now.. while i'm writing this my mood is up.. it is a proof that people can get better. and don't think that it is not the same thing as yours because i have depressive tendencies, so. there's a proof

kissess and hugss

PD: please get help, in anyway you want.. if you are writing this blog for only writing i think it is great, but if you are doing it in order to receive help through other's opinions i think it will be better. suck the juice from the people who are writing beautiful things to you,, then decide

LDJ said...

I came out when I was 27. It definitely felt like a new start for me. And THAT was 14 years ago. Yee-IKES!

LDJ said...

Don't lose faith in people.

greg said...

Wow. You got it rough. You're attractive, smart enough to develop and maintain a blog, date a hot guy, got a killer body (that's getting too big so cool it with the roids) live in a great city and are young enough that you could do just about anything that you want to with your future.

The only way it could be better is if you were me. I'm hotter, have a better body, have a job that I LOVE, definitely have more money and am younger.

Oh wait... no I'm not, no I don't, no I don't, no I don't, and no I'm not.

So for fuck's sake, snap out of it. You're built like a brick shithouse, but you really need to toughen up. Everyone gets into a funk, but lesser men than you manage to reinvent themselves once in awhile.

geekluve said...

FUCK THEM! they're just a bunch of sad sack bitches too insecure with themselves to be real people they have to shit talk other hotter guys i bet those stupid queens were tore up from the floor up and jealous of how hot you both were! the only one who should be ashamed is them for being such ridiculously petty twats!

You're an awesome guy and just because you DID porn doesn't mean you're a bad person and deserve to be bashed by anyone people are just jealous hateful bitches!

RiverRock said...

Man, where have you been??

Its like you dropped off the edge of the world. That was not fair, you took off for a whole month. I kept checking and checking for a happy update and ...nothing.....! I am so glad your back though, big time. I missed ya. So let me give you a warm welcome!! Yay! James is here! Cool.

Birthdays stir up emotions and feelings. They concentrate our focus on time, and that we...all of us.... have limits on our lives. Aging is proof that we are passing beings not permanent ones. Its one of lifes most difficult realities however it can be a window of opportuity to pare down what really is important to you and to begin seeing life in a new way. With aging comes wisdom. Invest in your spirit and you will be a wealty , happy man.

There are many people thoughout history who have felt that they have brought great shame to their loved ones and themselves. But these same people have ,at times, been able to fight through the voices that tourmented their souls and have raised their heads enough to rebuild a new life that brought great joy and love to all thoes around them.

You have expressed deep humility, regret, and true sorrow over your past. Actually this shows great character to be able to do this. This is the character some of us have grown to appreciate. I am sure with out a doubt that those really close to you have allready have forgiven you , and even the powers that be have forgiven you as well.

If you love something with your whole heart and it has wronged you but has come to you with deep regret asking you for forgiveness, would you deny it? Of course you wouldn't, because your love goes deeper than the wound they have inflicted. This is the same for thoes who "truly" love you. Their love for you runs deeper than the wound that you have inflicted. Time will be able to repair these wounds and healing will occur. You have to be patient.

Forgiveness is greatly needed within yourself too. It will be freeing to allow yourself forgiveness and negate the power you have given thoes voices that seek to tear you down.

It is guaranteed that fames bright light will surely dim and your past will fade into the shadows. This is a good thing to come. The intensity of the spot light will not always be so heavy. This also takes time but it will come so be patient. There will be many , many opportunities to be had to build a great life.

There are many things that you do that seem contrary to what you want to do. I think that your internal spirit is greatly damaged and vulnerable right now and seeks immediate comfort. It is not strong enough to make the tougher choices that you want. I think a starting point is to at least recognize this and to find ways to build up the strength of that spirit so that one day you will have the strength to do what you know are good choices.

Surely someone, something , or some event has given you strength or a sign that has encouraged you. I cant imagine that you have been totally left out in the cold. Thankfullness is an essential part of building a new life. It has overwhelming effects on others and yourself.

iabe said...

Stop drinking the haterade!

It may be hard for you to see it but all these people who say all this shit about you want you to be miserable and you .... ding, ding, ding are MISERABLE!

If you believe that you deserve to be happy you will be. Whether anyone else thinks that should not matter but obviously it is better to focus on the ones that do want you to be happy. Those are the opinion's that should matter to you.

But I can't help think that you just sound stuck. It sounds like you are over the life you are in now and are ready for "something else". Maybe you are stuck on the "something else" part..not sure what to do or how to make it happen.

Brenton said...

First of all, It is not my intention to bring you down, I would say these things to myself if I were in your situation. I'm a 23 year old gay male. I have to say that I didn't know who you were when I ran across this blog. That just goes to show that some gay people aren't so much a part of mainstream GLBT culture (not that it is a bad thing, entirely). It sounds like you want out? Do you? Are you at rock bottom yet? If I were you, I would leave blogs that advertise you as a product rather than an individual. I would not go to gay bars and certain glbt events with my boyfriend, where (lets be honest).. Sex, Drugs, Power, and Alcohol dominate (especially at the bars and clubs). Such things are destructive to anyone for prolonged periods of time (hence, why many people are lost from age 21-?). I can guarantee, if you move somewhere and get out of the destructive culture's eye, you will find your happiness. I never respond to blogs, but I felt the need to tell you this. You have lost a grasp of who you are as an individual, and who you CAN be. We will all grow old, whether we want to or not. The key to happiness is embracing that, and realizing it is a gift that many of our own GLBT peers have not been given. You can now see how easy it is to lose. You are, indeed, a beautiful creature inside and out. But do YOU know that? Let go of the vanity, the glam, the past, and the pain. Make yourself a list of goals... eat healthy, quit pushing your body, and relax with those that love you for who you are on the inside in a private setting. Are you ready to change your life? It will take perseverance, but only you can change your world. All my wishes ~B

Benstutt said...

People will always find something about you they can use to legitimate looking down on you. If you hadn´t been in porn they would say you are not clever/hunky/young/pretty/rich/educated/whatever enough to deserve the boyfriend/friends/job you´ve got. That´s the way most people work in order to cover up their low self-esteem. You are looking down on others "faggots“ and the same time wonder why others look down on you. Break this silly circle of contempt. As soon as you realize that you are not better than any other you´ll see that at the same time no one is worth more than you. So no one has the right and/or the position to look down on you and judge your life. There is no reason to feel ashamed of what and who you are. Your decisions (like doing porn) made you the person you are now. And you are a worthy and loveable man with your own flaws like everyone else. Stop trying to be someone you think you should be in order to have all the others love and respect you. There´s only one person up to whose expectations and standards you have to live – you.
It´s a constant struggle and a hard way for all of us.

Joey7777 said...

Erik/James is such an ass. And some of you fools on here gushing, "oohh..you're such a beautiful person inside..!" Talk about projection! He's never given any indication that he's anything but a self-centered shallow jerk. (Anyone can change, though). But, even though I don't even like the guy, I don't like to see anybody suffering, so objectively I can say this: there's no reason why at 27 James can't start to do anything new he wants in life, and he's also got those sort of physical looks that might even look BETTER in his 30's and 40's than in his 20's. So he could go on looking like some bruiser stud and getting involved in any new field or hobby he wants to. That's the truth, nothing can change that. He might have some depression/chemical problems that are making all that hard to see, but....that's it. So you've got it pretty good, James. Stop being a wuss about it. (Meanwhile, everybody, there are much nicer people in this world in way worse situations than this guy. Give time to them).

wolveriner said...

I've screwed up my life as well and was in a lull for a year. I've found a new career direction, which is invigorating.

Don't worry about aging. At 31, one of the perks I've come to realise is that you become more confident of yourself as you age and I learned to block out the negative things people say.

I saw you and your bf once in December at The Monster, u guys are a very cute couple, don't destroy a good thing u got going because of your insecurities.

AngloAm said...

Is there a lifeguard in the pool of self-pity you wallow in? You talk so much self-wanking BS, that I know you don't believe because you go on doing the same thing over and over again all the time wondering why things don't turn out differently.

Your body hurts because you abuse it. Fact. It doesn't matter why you abuse it.

You get recognized in public because you fuck on film and do well by the sales. Fact. You profit from recognition. If you didn't want it why'd you whine about not getting a Grabby for so long?

Fucking on film is not a prestige job, so some people are going to look down on it and you. Fact. You knew that when you started it.

Man up and live with your choices and their consequences.

Maybe make some different ones.

You're not nearly as worthless as you'd like us to believe you think you are, but man o man do you ever love a self-pity party.

Oh, and you ain't 'pretty' now, you big lug, and I don't think you could or would want to be pretty. Do you?

And Botox? Putting poison in your face? Pathetic. Putting expiration dates on your life? Overwrought. Stop playing around. Stop doing the same thing and expecting different results. If you don't like your life change it. If you can't change it, learn to like it. If you don't like the other bitchy bar queens, stop going to bars. (Are you a paragon of politeness at bars, when you're not passing out or having 'pump and dump' fun and using people? You fuck their skulls and then moan when other people aren't polite? Give me a break.) If you won't stop going to bars, get used to who goes there.

And for chrissakes stop your incessant whining.

This is from a person whose got more years under his belt (13 past your expiration date) and would give his left ball to be as fit as you. But I don't envy you even as I have jerked off to you. Sorry. I really think you could be likeable, loveable even, but man, until you stop you're really tedious.

Jay said...

Don't listen to anyone but yourself...Trust yourself before you trust others... You can always break the mold, break the rules, and break the expectations... Just remember the paycheck you make is the paycheck you earn and you alone place food on your table...As for your family, they are still your family even after the dust settles... If they don't agree with what you do and you are looking for their approval stop asking for it... it will come in time... Best of luck...

Adam Sank said...

Another thought: Have you ever considered the possibility that the reason people belittle you is not because you're a porn star but because you're an unstable, self-destructive asshole?

You're a gay man living in Manhattan -- not some Mormon in a compound in Idaho. Where are you finding all these people who judge you so because of your porn past?

I don't believe they exist. Rather, I think you're one of those people with a victim mentality: "Everyone hates me because I'm gay/black/Jewish/a woman/a lawyer/a porn star/etc."

No, I suspect they hate you because of the way you behave when you're NOT doing porn. Why not take responsbility for yourself and stop playing the victim?

Lakeside MVP said...

Eric do you ever read all the support you get in these commnets and great suggestions....this talk of yours is serious...you mention turning 30 and being done and it does not have to be that way. You and only you can choose to be who you want to be. No one else is so powerful over you that they can force you to adept to any identity that they may try to force upon you. It's all up to you and you have the God given talent and gifts to be unique and live a blessed life. It is true. Peace to you Eric.

Erik Rhodes said...

Adan Sank: If i didnt know better i would think your in love with me.
KInda reminds me of the bully that picked on he growing up, i hated his guts but secretly i wanted him so bad. LOL.
Anyways you got a good laugh out of me with that whole self destructive asshole comment.
But victem? i dont think so. If i wanted to be a victem i would have just given up by now but regardless of how much a bitch and whine, i'm honestly just using this as a way to release some of the stress i get from my everyday life. So fuck you stop reading. Jesus.

rjo said...

Fine sir, I say this with the greatest respect for you, pull yourself together. You obviously have far more to offer, it is time to step up to that line and be counted. I/we all know you can do it.

william said...

A) Happy Birthday from Old Man River (at 33).
B) You have such great taste in music and I love coming to the site to hear amazing songs that I've never heard.
C) Your two examples have got to be exceptions to the rule. I can guarantee that a sizeable majority of your readership, as well as every OTHER guy in that bar that night, are completely jealous of your boyfriend. And as for the guy who was after your friend: he was judgemental and insecure and a sore loser at love and just further proved that he wasn't date-worthy. The comment was more revealing about him than about you. You were in adult movies and are a loyal friend and devoted, romantic companion. He wasn't in adult movies and is a petty dick. Who comes across looking better when comparing the two?
D) I feel like you gloss over good news too often--you and the bf are still together! Are you feeling more comfortable/confident (despite occasional rattlings from jerks in bars)?

lonelyboy17 said...

Erik, life will always find a way to fuck us over. the test though is to see how well we come out of it. and in the end how we ended up dealing with it

Mao Lei said...

HaHa, it's a sunny day after three bored snowing days in Beijing, I like it. Good luck to all the people here, have a nice day.
Mao

Adam Sank said...

No -- not in love with you. I'm happily in love with my boyfriend (though I'm sure either one of us would love to go a round or two with you in the sack).

No, it's just that you frustrate the hell out of me. You're like so many guys I knew in NYC for the 13 years I lived there: The hotter they were physically, the more fucked up they were psychologically.

It's like you all won the genetic lottery so you feel you have to destroy yourselves in order to even the score.

For what it's worth, I do wish you a happy birthday. (Mine is 2/23.)

AJS

Tom said...

I thought I'd die by the time I was 30 years old. Then I was 30. I figured I'd die by the time I was 40. Then I was 40. Now I wonder if I'll die by the time I'm 50. I suspect I won't though. I had this dream I would die young - and now I simply dream about better things than being dead.

I worried about growing older. When I was in my 20s I knew I was hot. By 30, I had to work a bit at it. By 40, I realized all the work wouldn't make me 20 again, and I would look like a fool for trying. Life (and beauty / youth) is temporary. Take your good memories with you as you grow older - and don't take the bad. Be who you are meant to be (inside and out) and simply be good to yourself (how ever you define that)

If you could get inside the heads of the folks that are saying things about you, you'd likely see that their heads are empty.

Treasure yourself - and be yourself

Tom

Rod said...

I don't know if everything or anything you say on this blog but if there are they that's sad. But now here my two cents. Move out of NYC, I know it great to live there but you are just doing the same thing over and over, moving isn't the answer to everything I know, but if you are not changing the way you live there then maybe a new place you can change that way. Talk to your other porn star friends and see if they like where they live, if they do visit them and see if you could live there. Moving to a state where there is a gay life is better then where there is not, after all you are only 27 hopefully your bf is able to do it too. Move to a state where there is more sunshine then not, cloudy, gray days just helps bring you down if you already down.
Hope for the best for you.

mr said...

Ugh to be honest the "woe is me" song-n-dance is tired. You don't want to change, you enjoy this. You enjoy this whole charade of everyone feeling sorry for you so that you can have the attention. You say that isn't what you want, but get real. Porn...this blog? All for attention. You know that it is true. And the sad part is you are discovering it never quite does it for you. So how about this novel idea, stop your bitching and change it. If it is that bad, do something to make it better. You're a smart boy.

...not meant to be mean but sometimes you need it a little blunt. Tough love is a good thing.

All the best.
C

Gordon said...

Dear Erik,

I wrote to you on this a while ago talking about how I had a nervous breakdown years ago because of the shit I went through for being gay.

Reading this latest entry does make think, come on for fuck sake.

Seriously, you want an eye colour change? Here's a suggestion don't buy steroids for 1 week only and take the money you spend on moisturisers and go buy food, cook it and gives to people with HIV who are homeless. Go and actually sit with them for one or two weeks and eat your dinner with them and hear their stories.

I mean this in a kind tough love way, but get a fucking grip. Watch Brokeback Mountain. JUST IGNORE the stupid jealous little people.

You've got bootstraps, pull yourself up by them.

acane02 said...

I'll be 30 in two months. So far, it has not been that bad, and perhaps more mature than a couple of years ago.

Brandon said...

you shouldn't have to feel like you're gonna "expire" once you hit 30...i'm coming up on 31 in a couple of months and i just came out a couple of months ago...and i'm actually GLAD i waited till now to do this...take it from me: none of us know shit while we're in our twenties...we're still figuring ourselves and everthing else out during that time...i feel like i now finally know who i am...believe me: your thirties are gonna be good...just be patient

Pete said...

1) Quit porn if you hate it so much, you are 27 - find a trade.
2) Who gives a shit what people think, your bf should be dating you, not the pornstar. It is like dating any other actor but you shove things up your butt on camera
3) If you hate NYC so much, move! You will save money...go to Chicago or something.
4) If you don't want people to notice you, try not being the size of a truck. Honestly if any man your size came into a room, ANY room, everyone would notice. You are unnaturally large.
5) Who gives a shit what I think, do whatever you want.

Luke said...

James/Erik appears to suffer from body dysmorphic disorder where he has an unrealistic body image of himself. The addiction to anabolic steroids and other performance enhancing drugs such as stimulants and also usage of prescription, OTC (over-the-counter), or illegal depressants especially painkillers is alarming. These substances apparently have lead to or contribute to major depressive disorder with recurrent psychotic features. These features maybe manifested in sexual and internet addiction. Other disorders that should be mentioned but are not limited to include: social phobia, exhibitionism, sexual disorders, and panic disorder without angoraphobia. Examples include use of steroids, painkillers, GHB, and behavioral sexual activity and issues regarding self-esteem.

I would recommend at the minimum the following:

1. Seeing a psychiatrist monthly for proper medication regarding depression and helping to detox from anabolic steroids, pain medication, GHB, stimulants, and other depressants.

2. At least weekly visits to a therapist including possibly an additional group therapy whereby the internal dialogue of James/Erik changes regarding body dysmorphic disorder, depression, drug use, and sexual addiction.

3. A minimum of two meetings a week involving a 12-step group. Due to the addiction to substances and sexual behavior, James/Erik could benefit from AA meetings to a host of other meetings just as long as attendance and participation is consistent. Other groups may be those specifically of drugs, sex addiction, or even eating/body image disorder.

Due to James/Erik's history through this blog, it is important to note suicidal ideation and methodology through out as a recurring theme. It seems unlikely that he is unwilling to change his circumstances at the time. It seems likely that the cliche of jails, institutions, or death are the options. Jail for illegal drug use, prostitution, or other criminal activity. Institution for mental disorders ranging from body dysmorphic order, depression, and other issues especially sexual. Death is also likely from his steroid and other drug use as well as depression. However, I hope James/Erik finds the happiness that he deserves. Until then, best of luck.

Luke said...

Here's a link to body dysmorphic disorder:

http://allpsych.com/disorders/somatoform/bodydysmorphic.html

and another link to the DSM-IV manual:

http://allpsych.com/disorders/disorders_alpha.html

Canvas said...

Hey Luke: That's a whole bunch of words to say that he's crazy. You don't need to be a therapist to figure it out. The guy's a mess; a human train wreck. Just because you identify the problem doesn't mean he's going to solve it. This guy's a blinding glimpse of the obvious. He's going to use steroids for his "body dysmorphic disorder" and kill himself trying to get the perfect body and be vain. Yes, along the way he's going to party it up or down with G, painkillers, or whatever he can get his hands on. I'd be depressed too if I was known as an award winning whore/porn star. I'm just hear to read and watch what NOT to do with myself and my life. He's the ultimate example of "before shot". Better him than me. Definitely better Erik/James than me.

Weathered said...

Luke: You must be a psychiatrist or therapist. I remember taking a psych class and learning that the 5 stages of change are:

1. Precontemplation

2. Contemplation

3. Preparation

4. Action

5. Maintenance

The thing is that Erik is nowhere near any stage of change. I doubt that he's even in precontempation when the guy's dealing with his real issues. The only thing he wants is a boyfriend/victim to witness the carnage that passes for his existence. Oh, he also mentioned possibly moving out of New York when really it's not location issues but perception of his body that his main problem. You can't help the unwilling. I'm just here to witness if he's going to sleep with another fashion designer's hustler. With all the trashy sex and drug use, Erik Rhodes is a poor man's gay version of Anna Nicole Smith.

Harry said...

Leave Erik ALONE! He's a wonderful porn star escort who has devoted his life to his beautiful art which is his body. Who cares if he's enhanced with steroids? The guy's fuckable. He only cares about what he looks like anyway. That's all that counts. Erik earned and deserved ALL those porn and escort awards. The better you look, the more you see.

geekluve said...

Hey Canvas you're the perfect example of how to be a fucking cunt. your life must be so empty and pathetic that you have to come to erik/james blog and use his downs to make your piece of shit life not seem so bad. you fucking twat

Jennifer said...

Get out! honestly baby you need to get away. Away from NYC away from the porn and mainly away from the pills. I lost my aunt that way and you know what it's not worth it. You may want to look pretty a little longer but what about after that? You need to do something for you. Screw the ppl who act like the a friend then stab you in the back. You need to put yourself first. Then worry about other ppl. Unless their bitches then fuck em. If they can't like/love you for you then they don't need to be around you period. Anyway good luck sweetie...another Fag Hag

edmcan said...

@geeklove -Bravo, couldn't have said it better myself.

'Canvas'- you're really just blank.

aabel said...

erik, I really admire you for the person you really are. just remember to enjoy the power and beauty of your youth.. don't worry about the future. there are worst problems in life to worry about then becoming old dude.
&& don't put up with people that are wreckless with your heart, just remember the compliments and forget the insults.. I know it may not be easy but you can always try.
I know I'm young, just turned 19 last week and you may be thinking what do I know but I just wanted to put my words out there to you.
hope to here more from you erik, take care and hope things get better <3

Andy said...

Ok first of all there is NOTHING wrong with 30. Were men, we get better with age. In your case you're way ahead of most of us (kiddo I know teens who would KILL to look half as good as you do). As far the static your experiencing, I'm really sorry. People are ignorant. Being a porn star does not make you a bad person. Its a profession just like any other. If someone is going to judge you based on that does their opinion really matter?
I've experienced a lot of what you describe and it's taken me years to develope a thick enough skin to endure it. Something I learned is that it's not about anyone but us. At the end of the day, when all is said and done, we are the ones who have to live with our choices. 40 years down the line when you look back on your life, its not going to be the mistakes you may or may not have made that are going to matter. What's going to matter is how you handled yourself and them, how you used them to grow and better yourself as a person.
Your putting WAY too much presure on yourself. The simple fact that your having these thoughts though shows that you are growing and you are learning.

S A G A T said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
RIOTRIOTRIOT said...

dude, you're going fucking bonkers!

you diet/eat under a plan but have no idea how you have heartburn or nosebleeds?

you're just pathetic. as pathetic as you were on screen dude. you're just a dumb fucking meathead in a big city who has no goals or plans. just a god dang loser you've become.

Peter C said...

Instead of wasting money on steroids or botox, you should save up enough money to get a brain transplant. In your case, that will go a lot farther making you feel better about yourself.

If doing porn bothers you, you should stop doing it. But you'll just have to live with the comments, since you can't change the past. Tough.

levron said...

erik
you need to stop being ashamed of what you do. you have used your talents in this case your beauty to bring happiness and escapism to the world. this world where 50% of men admit to watching porn and the other 50% are liars. and the real harm is done by violence in so called mainstream movies and you beat up on you for bringing some pleasure to the guys watching your movies. man the world is full of people who should be a lot more ashamed than you of what they do for a living. you are a stunning guy and most men would envy you if they were telling the truth. pete/dublin/ireland

Canvas said...

Don't blame the messenger for the message. Long term effects of steroid use include high blood pressure, shrunken testes, and outbursts of anger known as "roid rage". No wonder James/Erik's unhappy.

anon said...

self absorbed society? Common... pot calling kettle?

The whole botox thing is insane.

The guy's wanted a piece of your boyfriend but couldn't cause' he's taken.... I'm pretty sure they'd be trash talking even if you had the best reputation as a saint. There's a little green eyed monster lurking within all of us.

That online dater was pissed at your friend more so then you. Did he flake on the guy?


Just as those men were talking smack about the bf, the spurned guy mentioned the porn thing since it is an easy target to take shots at.

You need to grow a thicker skin or stop putting yourself out there for people to tear down.

Suggestion: Could you prevent your media player from immediately starting when your blog first loads? I'd prefer it if I could read the post without the music. (This isn't a slam about your taste in music)

JayJamesLow said...

Contact me through e-mail.

'Blue Eyes' from 'Mi Vida Loca' is inspiring me to do this ;(

Brian's Not Trying said...

Who would want to have sex with you when you're old? You might as well live it up while you can.

You'll probably end up like Colton Ford; he's old and pathetic for dating someone yours and my age.

It will take an extreme happening to get you to stop. We're humans and that what happens. You can't run away from your mistakes.

CW said...

You really need to move out of NYC. That will make a big difference. Any city with lots of faggots is by definition toxic. Some of the smaller towns in Arizona and Texas too are great, and have warm weather. Once you live with regular folks, you will never look back. Faggots surround themselves with too much drama, drug use, promiscuity, AIDS, sex addiction, and plain selfishness. Don't let them bring you down any more.

SirPercy said...

seriously dude, you know how to get attention.

listen, beautiful man, if you're serious about expiring when you turn 30, let me know when you're done with life. i'd like to get you past your expiration date, show you what real life is.

i don't know what people have said in response to this post, i don't take the time to read everything. it's probably all a bunch of advice or ridicule or "you're a selfish whining bastard, you broght this on yourself, seriously go get help" crap. all i have to say is this:

you haven't lived yet.

if you call what you're doing and experiencing now "life," i've got news, baby. you're drowning in a swamp. up here, we the living breathe air, and can't wait for the day you surface.

seriously. there are people out here who can love you better, who can open your eyes to the beauty of the world.

in the meantime, enjoy your bog. get your fill. but, when you're done, when you hit 30, when you decide it's time to go...

hit me up. as long as you're not going to be using your excuse for a life, i'd like a shot at remaking "james." he never had a chance.

i love you, man. i don't know you, but i told you that doesn't matter.

Nate said...

Dude, at some point you will have to start living for yourself and stop trying to please..or be pleasing to everyone else.

Life goes on long after 30 and being healthy is more important in the long run than trying to live up to everyone elses expectations.

I'm 28 and I have realized that the only way I will ever be happy is to quit worrying about how other guys will perceive me..and start doing the stuff that makes me happy.

I have always wanted to be big and ripped like you, but I am learning that my priorities should lie with being there for family and friends.

I don't know how you cope with living up to everyone's expectations. Don't you deserve to do what will benefit you in the long run? What would make you happy?

Sam-Austin Adams said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
sweet pea said...

Your blog is truly refreshing to read with how candid you are with your feelings and trying to find your way in the world today as a young gay man. I have complete faith that something very special will happen in your life.

Your such a sweet and kind person and extremely out going young man with no attitude. Maybe a little to shield yourself from the harsh world around you. Just remember you are a very special man who is just going threw the journey of life. Be well buddy lets meet up when I am back in the states. be good sweet pea!!!

xray said...

Reading this blog made me wish I could talk to you. Don't destroy yourself - you are 27 and your whole life is ahead of you (though it may not seem that way to you now). I am 39 and can tell you that life is great after 30. I'm sure life is great after 40 and 50 too. You have the power to make a positive change in your life. Whatever is dragging you down, leave it - get rid of it - you have so much to be thankful for. Make your physical and mental well-being your priority. I live in L.A. and wish I could be there to talk to you and help you out.

Ward McAllister said...

People won't say what a shame when Erik passes. It won't exactly be a surprise. He'll always be known as a drug addicted porn star/escort. What difference does it make whether it happens today or anywhere three years from now or before he turns thirty. It could happen decades after that. Once you become a porn star, you'll ALWAYS be known as a porn star. Those films last forever. I mean it's a cliche how many in porn are addicted to drugs (steroids, GHB, etc.) and/or commit suicide. This over-muscled has been mentioning it for years like some emo/goth kid who recently discovered cutting. (BTW, cut in the direction of the vein NOT against it.) What will his legacy be? What will he be known for? Erik was a Falcon exclusive period. He should kill himself now while he can still be a beautiful corpse. The steroids, GHB, painkillers, and God-know-what will eventually take it's toll. Why should he drown himself in shallow water? He's such a drama queen and loves the suicidal attention that he gets out of it. Oh, he's so tortured. Bullshit. He hasn't got the balls or even enough pain to pull trigger. Man up or shut up Erik.

King of Chelsea... Unscripted! said...

Just my opinion (cause I always have one), other people dont matter! Yes you've done some fucked up things, but havent we all? For every silly faggot that stands there and say "ew, he's a porn star. ew, he does drugs. ew..." they've prolly done drugs, or had enough sex to be considered a porn star or are desperately longing for your life. They are all idiots. If they arent talkin about you its someone else, FUCK THEM!

And I know my opinion isn't worth much to you anymore, but when you talk about "beyond repair" and "30" being your expiration date it really annoys me. Yes, your feelings are valid, but at the same time you still have a fighting chance. So you've done some bad things, but there's always a road to redemption. It may be extremely hard but its there. You just have to figure out what that road is.

I'm not preaching, i just know I feel the same way you do occasionally. And although I'm obviously not a porn star and i havent done the exact things you have, i'm no angel. I just believe that no matter how far you fall, theres always a way to get up. Lean on your family, your friends and that boyfriend of yours for support...

I'm pulling for you James, i really am!

-eric

texaslifter said...

I was surprised how you valued money over friends on an interview I read about you. "Real" friends are invaluable and I wish you could meet one.

Erik Rhodes said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Erik Rhodes said...

Suicidal Attention: No, i'm just telling you the thoughts that pass through my head. Yeah i'm not gonna lie and say that i havent thought about just ending it on a regular basis, i have, but that is where getting new anti-depressants and my thought of run away from NYC contradict your thought that i thrive of suicidal attention. I am honestly trying to figure a way to live through the shitshow of a life i have created for myself. Jesus, i'm not sure if anyone heard about the last porn star that hung himself in his closet only about week ago... that news came and went as soon as there was new porn star with a big dick to write about in the blogs, to make the suicide old news, meaningless and insignificant. Who wants to end up like that?

mjpe said...

Hey wasup Erik,
Besides what everyone says and you, seems like you'll prob look after yourself just right.
Didn't want to write about my concerns, just to ask you questions I really would like to know the answer to.
I figured since you answered that guys q&A a couple of months back.
Hope you do, even if they might be rude..
-How'd you start escorting?
-Did that happen first or were you introduced to porn and somehow got into that?
-When you started out (with porn) was it enjoyable and how about the choice of who to star with and which movies to do, did you ask directors who you'd like to star with?
-In porn what comes with experince and what do you think someone needs right away?
-Ever walk out of a shoot cause of what someone did?
-Hey have you ever slept with someone whose been on the cover
of Muscle & Fitness,Mens Health, Flex,Mens Workout etc?
-Did you get big really quickly or did it happen over time?
-Ever beat and beat someone til their last breath for calling you or a friend a fag?
-Most important question: Why did you put yourself up for public scrutiny by starting the blog?
It'd b alright if you didnt anwser on account of these being dumb questions

sweet pea said...

Dear Erik a.k.a. James I don’t really know you very well. However, the few times we have spent together you have always impressed me with your pear honesty and charisma. First of all you are have nothing to be ashamed of. You have done nothing wrong in your life that any other gay man as not done themselves. EXCEPT you have done it on film…
It saddens me that we as gay men hate each other so much. Perhaps we all victims of some kind of childhood emotional or mental distress?
Moreover, that we degrade ourselves to feel shameful and hateful of each other. I hear of HATE CRIMES and FAG bashing. Put keep in mind that by taking your own life means you gave into HATE. Hate for yourself and hate for all over us. YOU HAVE everything to LIVE FOR sweet pea!!!! ERIK you a kind and loving man with no attitude and try to find good in others. There is goodness and kindness in you don’t ever forget that sweet pea. More importantly the best has yet to come for you!!!!. When you look back on your life I can assure you that worthless gay men who state hateful cruel remarks will not be in your life or thoughts. These people with have to meet and face their own maker. In a dark place for eternally HELL. Your a special Kind man James and a lot of people love you. Sweet pea.

Vikar said...

Congratulations on taking meds Erik and seeing a psychiatrist. It approximately takes about 90 days or 3 months for them to fully work. Hopefully, you're seeing a therapist routinely as well. It's glad to know that you're willing to face your challenges head-on. Best of luck with things and thanks for keeping us posted on your progress throughout your journey.

wakeupscreaming said...

Hi ER/J,

At age 30, what will you call quits? Your porn career? Then what will you do? What do you want to do? Have you considered directing? DJ-ing? Picking up a guitar and learning how to play it? If your life was snuffed out tomorrow, would you miss anything? Would you be happy?

I worked for a physique/porn model designing his websites -- he did solos and wrestling (I won't say who it is, because he's well known). He is in his mid-30's, and he had to consider the same situation you're in -- What do you do after you retire from the biz?

As for the people talking about you, and what "a shame" it is that you're a "porn star", there are other careers that are worse. Personally, I don't like lawyers or politicians. They are ultimate whores -- because they sellout their own values to who ever is passing the buck. So, don't freak out when you hear people referring you as that. They are just jealous.

Why do you keep referring to people as "faggots"? I'm one of those "faggots", and the last time I checked, you were getting drilled in the ass. You're a faggot like the best of them. So stop saying that.Bitch.

For aging, I have saw dudes in their 80's, with like awesome bodies because they take care of themselves. If you are treating your body and skin like shit, it'll show eventually. No matter how awesome your genetics, they only go so far.

I've noticed you haven't been blogging as much. And I'm going to congratulate you for not spilling all the details of your relationship in your blog. It's a wise decision. Some things are meant to be personal.

As for the anti-depressants, I just read an article on research that suggests they inhibit peoples ability to fall in love -- and who knows what else it fucks up. I would not advise them.

You're still a young guy, with lots of life left in you. Now... go do something! Bitch-ass Whore! :)

ray said...

it doesnt matter what anyone else has to say about you, dont ever let some jealous queen get the best of you. the only opinion that matters is yours...take care of yourself.

indybiwm said...

Hey,

Cher need to slap your face and tell you to snap out of it.... 30....

Ohhh,,, horibile... wait until your 42 like me and discover you're not expired beef like you thought you would be..

You are beautiful inside and out.

Trust me, when you're done being hot stuff young beef, you're goin' to be the daddy everybody wants!

Your boyfriend is lucky. He knows he's lucky. Listen to what he says, not what you overhear.

There will always be some bitter person, staight, gay, bi , trans. whatever, that is jealous of what you have. Just because they're bitter and has a big mouth doesn't make them right.

As long as you take care of you and your boyfriend, and he takes care of him and you, the rest can go to hell.

When it's you, him and the sound of the waves, what else matters?

D in indy

Luis said...

http://www.jasoncurious.com/desk/2009/03/hookies.html

I heard you're going to the Hookies, the gay escort awards, at the Splash Bar, March 20th, at 9pm from Jason Curious. With the boyfriend and taking your ad down on Rentboy, I thought you weren't escorting anymore Erik. What happened?

JustinLaMonte said...

you need to get out of NY before you kill yourself...
the sun is nice here in california.
818.231.920

Fran7dee2 said...

never google your idol
becuz finding stuff like this is heartbreaking

Martha's Prodigy said...

I honestly don't see the shame in being a pornstar.It's a unique job and while it has its up's and downs, it gives you a different perspective on life that many individuals have. If anything just be proud of it, I'm sure you have worked hard to get where u are.

alex said...

Jeez, I cant watch any of this dudes movies the same again, I'll stick to Parker Williams, atleast he keeps his craziness to himself!

John said...

All these guys are giving you good advice, James, but depression acts like a reverse filter, only the shit gets through. Is a real doctor taking care of you? I'm a real doctor in nyc -- and I'm not saying that to get in your pants ... I just can't stand to see young people suffering. (I admit it's especially intense when someone is as beautiful as you are -- but that's human nature; I'd do anything to go back in time and save Marilyn too; does that make me shallow? ;) peace man

yashafan2004@yahoo.com said...

well man, I'll I can say is to pic up the pieces and move on, age is an integral part of life...I'm also sorry that you're so unhappy, that your own self-image is tarnished by what others think of your career. I understand that you want nothing more than a normal life, and that your allowing your health to suffer because of what you put your body through...have you ever thought of taking it easy for a while? Maybe you should go off the radar for a while and enjoy the comforts of home...it seems that you have issues because people put you down...never let them tarnish your self image...because you've done one thing many of them haven't, you've become successful in that career, so what if they think it's taboo, it pays your bills...

You may think that living a double life is bad...but the truth of the matter is...everybody is different outside the home than they are at home...the porn industry is no different.

I think you are a beautiful person regardless. The fact that you post how you feel to your fans just shows that you are a sensitive person behind the huge physique...maybe 30 won't be such a bad thing...sure you'll lose the porn career, but it'll give you the opportunity to move on with your life...all anybody wants is to be happy, and you're no different. I wish you luck whatever the future holds for you.

Sincerely,
Fan in TX

Sam-Austin Adams said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
wkkyury said...

Erik you're a beautiful talented person who deserves only the best. When you begin to let those sorts of people get to you then you begin to break down. You dont need botox, you dont need anything of the sort because you have to be the best you can be on your own and simply own yourself. You cant let jealousy of others get you down either. Stay strong and just realize that people will talk, always have and always will; especially in gay world! Just roll it off your back as hard as that is sometimes and keep your head up.

Luis said...

Steroids can also cause a psychosis. Steroid-induced paranoia can be indistinguishable from true paranoia.

jb said...

DUDE WAKE THE "F" UP AND STOP COMPLAINING ....YOUR LIFE COULD BE MUCH WORSE.... DID YOU SEE SLIMDOG MILLIONAIRE ....IMAGE LIVING IN A THIRD WORLD COUNTRY. PEOPLE ARE STARVING TO DIETH AND LIVING IN POVERTY...AND HERE YOU ARE COMPLAINING LIKE A 5 YR OLD CHILD ABOUT SOME OTHER QUEEN TALKING ABOUT YOU

GROW UP.... LOOK AROUND YOU...YOU CREATE THE WORLD YOU LIVE IN RIGHT NOW...YOU SAY YOU DONT WANT DRAMA WELL ACTUALLY YOU DO ....IF YOU DONT WANT TO BE AROUND NEGATIVITY THEN REMOVE YOURSELF FROM PLACES ...LIKE THE NYC BARS WHERE PEOPLE ARE TALKING ABOUT YOU

MOVE OUT OF NYC AND START MAKING A CHANGE. DUDE TRY TO THANK THE UNIVERSE FOR WHAT YOU HAVE.

STOP COMPLAINING ...DO SOME SORT OF CHARITY WORK. HELP YOUR COMMUNITY AND GIVE BACK TO THOSE LESS FORTUNATE.

IF YOU DO THIS IT WILL OPEN UP YOUR EYES TO HOW GOOD YOUR LIFE ACTUALLY CAN BE

YOU CAN MAKE THE CHANGE IF YOU WANT...OR YOU CAN SIT THERE AND CONTINUE TO COMPLAIN AND FEEL SORRY FOR YOURSELF

george said...

You're a stupid fucking hypocrite quit bitching about your life faggot and exaggerating because we all know you don't pop a fucking COUPLE HUNDRED pills a day. you are fucked and it's your fault. you are sad and depressed because you want to be sad and depressed and nobody will feel sorry for you but yourself and that's what you have to understand, nobody gives a fuck about you except for you. that's the way it is for everyone fucking deal with it. do you really rely on an internet blog for sympathy? grow up, you're 27. and if not you might as well off yourself considering you are a miserable train wreck.

iidibitizi@yahoo.com said...

This is the first time, and probably, the last time i write on this blog. i read a lot of your blog and some comments. I know what youre going through , and its not easy...unfortunately, i cant tell you whats your probelm and how to fix it on this blog, cuz all these faggots will start bitching me. Ive been through all the things youve been through, but i was younger then you...
I know why you dont want to grow up and why you feel so old. why youre not happy, why you definitely feel the need to change evrything, but nothing at the same time. Why you like to be left alone, but never want to be alone at the same time. Why you feel like theres a hole in your life no matter what you do.
I read a psychology book (im not saying your crazy or have a problem! haha) about all of this a long time ago, and that book changed my life! i would tell you to read it, but unfortunately its in french. im 24 btw, and probably one of the smartest people youll ever meet. And what i did changed my life right now, and im such a happy person , and my life is going the way i want it to be.
Well what i have to say would fill 4/5 pages, so id rather send an email or somehting like that if your interested to know.
good luck if we dont speak to each other again and dont forget that your path in life isnt written in a stone block, but is molded at your image by yourself.

theviirus said...

Shame. It is one of the tools that my black dog uses on me. Go out to a bookstore and buy yourself a copy of "The Velvet Rage". It may sound hokey, but I am a better person having read it.

It taught me where my shame comes from. I bet your shame comes from the same place.

What other people think of you is none of your business. It will not help you and most certainly cannot hurt you unless you let it. I will not discount your emotions, but the only way that someone elses opinion of you matters is if you give it credence.

Do they know anything about you other than porn you have been in? Do they actually know what it is like to be you? No, they do not. They just see someone from the outside. Someone who they wish they could be. Someone they do not get the chance to know.

And porn or no porn, you are still human. Underneath it all, you are just like the rest of us. Even if you think you are something so otherly or horrific.

It is ok to have scars; to be imperfect. In fact, be proud of them. Beware the man with no scars; he has not the experiences of life's hard lessons.

Now go rest your head. Spend some time taking care of yourself.

theviirus said...

PS ; You are beautiful, even if you dont believe it. You are what alot of people wish they could be.

When you learn to love yourself, when you fall in love with who you are, when you start being who you want to be instead of what everyone else wants you to be, you'll start feel better. There is no shame in being yourself. One hundred percent yourself. In fact, authenticity is what will galvanize who you are.

You are not lost. Just a little misguided...like every other homo who has watered themselves down to feel more like everyone else. Something I am guilty of.

Sorry if this is long winded, but you should find no bloat here.

John said...

hey erik, those people never dont know what they're saying, you know yourself better. Plus, they bring you down because they wanted to raise themselves up which is sad not for you but for them.

Further, you are not alone. All of us have something to be ashamed about for you it may be your job, for some its corruption, for some its their past actions, for whatever good this would bring you are not alone, never alone

SuperFinik said...

Surely, everybody wants to fuck with you or (as minimum) to HAVE you as a friend, that's why people try to get in touch with you! (sorry for my english, i'm from russia). What else did you expect? If you doesn't agree with people - they hate you! You don't belong to yourself - you're too popular, too desired, too big^^ I cannot give you any advices, but i think you should keep your bf and your family with you as long as you you can - they are your support and your hope. Sleep well! Greetings from Moscow.

Blaine said...

I haven't read your blog in a while, and I'm glad I read it again.

Thanks for letting me know that things in my shitty small city aren't just because of the setting.

I wish there was this utopia for gays where everyone is a decent person and no one is a jealous judgmental prick.

Dean Grey said...

Isn't your boyfriend being a bit insensitive here?

I'm sure he's aware that you're self-conscious about other people's opinions, right? Your boyfriend should of kept what he overheard others saying about you to himself.

But that's just my opinion.

At least you have three years to go. I always thought I'd jump in a river at 30 and my 30th birthday is at the end of April!

I've got to get my shit together in about a month-and-a-half or it's bye-bye, Dean! You at least got some time, sir.

And lastly, you mentioned Botox to help you look younger.

I know you already know this but it's worth mentioning. It's the drugs and alcohol which are aging you. I know some people who are heavy smokers, drinkers, etc. and they look a lot older than they actually are.

If you can't stop altogether at least try to cut back. You are off to a good start in that you workout and lift weights. At least you're physically active already. Now just watch what you're putting into your body.

The best of luck to you! Let us know how it's going.

-Dean

wiredntired said...

Where are you?

just dont forget that your a person.

Drew Taylor said...

Well, honestly, I just turned 28 and I had a pretty crappy birthday, as well. It's not just gay culture, but society in general that puts a high value on being young and stupid.

Instead of thinking about 30 as if it were the end of life, we need to start looking at the older, hotter, gay men that are not on steroids or drugs and took steps years ago to not be sacrificial lambs on the altar of conventional wisdom.

Why not try becoming a natural bodybuilder and train for a bodybuilding competition? Just see how it works out for a few months. Do it under another name, if possible. Just see how you feel and if it feels good.

The point is, don't kill your body to look "good"; by living a great life, you're body will look great and you'll live a better life. Hell, look at Dara Torres.

Anyway, life is short enough as it is. Don't make it shorter by putting an expeiration date on it.

Underneath the surface said...

Be strong! I think you are better than any of the people talking trash about you. Do what you love and life will be wonderful!

Docwil said...

Hello erik, im from the philippines, im 38 years old, by the way like your films and acting, you done very well. Don't be sadden about your life, just be happy about it. :-) Take Care always

Ian said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
armyguy19 said...

you just want something you can never have

Jordan Greene said...

erik. i'm trying to find your contact info to try and set up and interview. nothing crazy.

Jordan Greene said...

email me at therealjordan@gmail.com
or call at 650-740-6125 if you want to talk.

gary26wilpo said...

Dude just so you know i am goin through the same thing at 26. I thought 25 was the worst year but i realize its getting worse. I am attractive or think i was but it just seems like i can find something on me that needs fix.. I look at myself in the morning and im just like why do i do this to myself (i like to drink and on occasion other things). So when i wake up i just look like white trash and maybe thats what i am but i refuse to believe that. And this year i noticed im not getting nearly as much attetion as i use to, which is not a bad thing but im just wandering if im losing it and getting old or if i need to get away. I got a bad rep my in my opionion mine is worse than yours. I like to have sex, and im safe about it but i may come off as just a whore, and we both know how people talk. Your just doing business, i would never judge or discriminate against someone that did porn, its a profession, And tell yourself this, you got a stable job your hot in shape and well no matter how bad the economy is no one is going to want to stop seeing you in porn, so thats job security. Its kind of funny (not really but yeah) you have an experation date on yourself, mine is 52. And trust me im sure i fill my body with as many toxins as you do plus your body looks better... granted i simphasize with waking up and feeling nauseus or the lower pain where your liver is, and them shooting pains in your lower back, i relate to that. And want a better lifestyle besides the partying but just cant seem to do it because i like drinking and it makes me feel better about myself when i take those xtra things for my body... ok i think we will both always have them self doubts about ourselves and never be happy truly withourselves, so my thing is fuck it JUST HAVE FUN WITH IT, WHO CARES WHAT PEOPLE THINK (although i always am) and just have fun.,, btw good luck on finding a man for yourself... im to picky and in a small town and have not found anyone worth my time

sz2 design said...

Dude, being a porn star is awesome...the reason people talk shit is cause they wish they had the balls and are jealous. Keep your head up handsome, it's all worth it!

celibrat said...

Your blog is fascinating. I now use a wheelchair and am one of the unfuckables. I view people like u as like sex therapists, so dont ever feel bad about what u do. Hope u keep going for a long time, with ur head held very high! If anyone has a problem, well they can just go n suck ur big dick!

Stefan said...

You're an amazing person, don't let anyone tell you otherwise. I'm sure it's not easy to do what you do, when people want to use you and talk about you.
They've got nothing on you. Nothing. That you can still feel and express yourself so clearly shows that you're more human than they'll vere be. Rise above the haters and you can beat what you feel you need to beat.
Don't give up mate, you've got so much insight into things that you're going to make it and show everyone that you're amazing.
Go for it, don't let anyone tell you shit about yourself. We look up to someone so grounded, in an industry that makes it so hard to stay true and be yourself.
You're an inspiration man, don't ever forget it.

CDS said...

My 30th birthday is only a month away--and I feel my life is just getting started, and yours is too.

Try not to dwell in past mistakes, and just concentrate on not making any new ones. But most of all, don't be so hard on yourself.

Thanks for the blogs

Marcel Duvoix said...

Dear Erik,
People will always find a petty and trivial reason to tear you down, but the important thing is to just stick to those that encourage and love you irregardless of where you are in life at any moment, or who you are as a person etc.

You are loved by those that love and appreciate you, and that's better to remember, and all the rest are better forgotten as negative people.

Sincerely, HRM King Marcel Duvoix (Author of the book: "Holy Legacy.")