Oh god, where do i begin...
Well, i'm 27 now. Nothing spectacular about it. Its honestly kinda funny, I keep saying to myself, "how the fuck did i get here?". Its been so long, i feel like i have lived so my lives by now. I feel old. I think i'm starting to look old. This hard life i forced my body to endure is starting to show. I get a nosebleed almost everyday, my heartburn feels like i'm constantly being stabbed in the chest, my knees ache, my body aches. Painkillers are crutch in my life and just not for recreational use.
Pathetically i have even considered botox and all this other bullshit to help my battle with aging. If that isn't a new low for me... has vh-1 and this self absorbed society finally gotten to me to? If steroids and the couple hundred pills i pop a day weren't enough, what else can i do look pretty just alittle while longer? Who cares if my liver in struggling to work, who cares if it feels like i'm being punched in my kidneys all day long...honestly who cares. You know, turning 27 i sit there and say myself "only 3 years left, i better make them good". Oh... i have given myself and expiration date, kinda like a carton of milk. You can't expect things to last forever, and with the way things are going, 30, i'm just gonna call it quits. That's if i even make it to 30. If things get better then i might change my mind but, that is what is engraved in my brain at the moment.
I just don't have passion for this life anymore. i Have fucked things up so beyond repair that i can never feel normal again. I try. I honestly do, but there is always someone there to get my head that drops me down a level regardless if i'm doing nothing wrong.
Two great examples.
The other night, i went to this half a dyke-fest trash bar with my bf. I honestly try to blend in as much as possible and i really don't make a show of myself, cuz in all reality, its nice to not be noticed at this point, but regardless it never works, anyways on the way out, i wait for my bf to smoke a cigarette and he over hears a conversation from this group of faggots saying how hot he is, but what a shame that someone like him is with a porn star. It kept repeating in my head. "what a shame, what a shame, what a shame". I started to believe it. It is a shame, the label i give my bf for being with me. The shame i bring on my family, and anyone else around me. The shame i have made of myself. It still make me sick just thinking about it.
My friend said he was talking to this guy online. They had tryed to set up acouple dates or whatever and there plans fell through. Eventually they kinda stopped talking and the kid began going nuts on my friend. He started trash talking my friend and he even went to the extent to say, "I see your best friend is Erik Rhodes..." and began to trash my friend for being friends with me. Like guilty by association now if your even friends with a porn star.
Where do i get a break?
I have even considered just changing myself all together. Get permanent eye color change, dye my hair, lose weight and become someone else all together.
I'm not done with this blog, i just need to collect myself and walk away from this for a min.