Tuesday, January 13, 2009


I've been wanting to write a blog for a couple days now, but i have had some much shit swimming through my head that i can't exactly focus myself.
My up's and downs have been extreme lately and have consisted of mainly, me screaming at my boyfriend since I'm having a hard time understanding him and then when I'm not looking to fight about something stupid, me wanting to cry about how worthless i feel and how much i don't feel loved by anyone. There hasn't been much in between lately, well, i take that back, the times i am somewhat content seems very short lived before I'm freaking out about the next thing. I keep telling myself to "just let the simple things go, normal people don't obsess like this and the ones that do are medicated", which has me looking to restart taking some sort of anti-depressant, anti- anxiety, shit maybe even some bi-polar medication. I'm just fed up feeling like this. I'm starting to think if i just make myself into a zombie and not care about anything, it will be alot easier than being so stressed out over bullshit.

But that is gonna be my last attempt, and if nothing changes, I'm gonna leave NYC and move my ass into the sun. I mean this city has been sucking the life out of me, for sometime, but it been manageable, now with this new relationship, its once again become unbearable. Then i still live in the same building with my ex' to have his tricks by-accidentally come knocking at my door looking for him and whatever sex party he is throwing, its like i have had enough. I'm tired of this drama filled city. Yeah i know its the same almost everywhere, faggots = drama, i understand that, but at least it will be like starting fresh. I can leave NYC and leave all my baggage and hopefully start new where people, yeah i guess will still see me a trashy porn star, but at least i can build a reputation fighting against the stereotypes. I lost the battle here in NYC, maybe it can be different somewhere else, maybe i can be happy.
funny thought...


jq2002 said...

What are you waiting for, James?
See a doctor right away. One that can prescribe you the right kind of medicine. Do not try to medicate yourself. But one thing you can do by yourself and the sooner the better. MOVE go south go to florida.. A lot of retired Porn stars live there a normal and Happy life, Find yourself a job as trainer in some etherosexual gym and live as James, not as ERIK.
My best wishes to you.. and I hope to receive one pic of you tanned and "SMILING" on the beach.
A big hug kiddo, from a -40 windy evening while some snow is falling.

my stomach hurts from laughing said...

"which has me looking to restart taking some sort of anti-depressant, anti- anxiety, shit maybe even some bi-polar medication."

The mere fact you appear to think you can prescribe yourself medication and even diagnose your self makes me want to vomit on you.

Dude, you are a complete and utter fuck up. You really should hate yourself because you are pathetic.

Do you really want to smile a real smile? Get yourself some real help for fucks sakes and remove yourself from environments that you are not equipped to handle.

Accept responsibility for yourself and your own actions.

Listen, you living or dying will have absolutely no effect on me so I write this response to you in truth.

Give yourself a reason not to hate yourself. Move FAR away. Find a CLINICAL psychologist! Seek real treatment.

If you cannot muster the energy to do that then just FUCK OFF.

MotherTrucker said...

san diego (german for a whales vagina)


i moved, ended up in a hospital, and then finally got to see the mountains from my bedroom in the ward.

finally released a harbour full of anchors.

Adam Sank said...

What you're proposing is known in addiction parlance as a "geographic" -- the notion that you can move someplace else and leave all your problems behind you.

You can't. It doesn't matter whether you live in New York, Florida or Timbuktu; you're still going to be carrying the same baggage.

There's nothing any of us can tell you that hasn't already been said a thousand times: See a doctor, go into treatment, get off the recreational drugs, stop associating with lowlifes, and so on and so forth.

But you won't follow any of these suggestions because it would mean actually having to change. And change is scary; it requires courage.

You apparently have none.

edmcan said...

@my stomach hurts from laughing - Why are you here? He is not self-diagnosing and the puerile way you express yourself is posturing.

James- go back to the doctor, try several different anti-depressants to find the right one for you. I think Florida would be like New York all over again. How about Arizona?

Whatever you do, best of luck, hang tough and stop yelling at your boyfriend.

with words said...

to the asshole who called him a fuck up...wow


fucking jerk.

and to you, sir...my heart goes out to you. but its not like you know me enough for that to mean too much...because the people who read your blog are a bunch of strangers. I don't know you but i'm familiar with your hurt, and pain and i really really want you to go on a vacation. i was at wits end...went to europe...and just reflected. sounds super gay but it super HELPED...because I accidentally just let all my troubles drift away, and i too hate NEW YORK

SirPercy said...

dear boy:
i don't know if you really want help or not. when you want something bad enough, or need it enough, you (or anyone) go for it.
if what you really need is some time away, e-mail me. seriously. you have no reason to trust me, and i'm being nice to you, which probably means you'll ignore me. but one more time: percyblakeney1@gmail.com. if you try getting away, and find you need another way out, no harm done, nothing lost. i'm not a creeper, i'm not gay, i'm not trying to sleep with you.
in re: to "my stomach hurts from laughing" i'm not sure if that's you on another account making fun of yourself, or just some sicko with nothing better to do with his/her time than cut you down. or, he/she might be telling you exactly what you need.
if you're not really looking for help, though, just ignore me and know someone cares for you. (i know i sound retarded and campy. i don't come over well in writing sometimes.)

Jeremy Feist said...

Maybe NYC is draining you, who knows? Can't say I've ever been down there. Point is, you should live in a place that you feel right in, and you know, not next to your realitard has-been of an ex. Anyways, keep fighting the stereotype, people will stop being fucking idiots eventually.

George said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
ZackyP said...

wow...your ex is pathetically immature...i'd say go stomp his face in but that'd cause more trouble...any who, i know you've said in previous posts that you hate being single but although this might suck to hear, i kinds think thats the best thing for you right now, even though you do love the guy, you cant love someone completely unless you love yourself, corny and oh so cliche i know but very true. You need to sort out some of your own emotional baggae before you can deal with anyone elses otherwides it'll just be a downward spiral. If your anything like me then you most likely have a massive wall up and keep people at shoulders length and get antsy when they get too close...hence the screaming and frustration at your bf. Look at it this way, if you love the guy what's the better option, Keep on screaming at him till you REALLY break up and he hates you, or let him go temporarily, sort your own shit out and go back and re-try the relationship. As for the moving thing....you cant outrun a problem...if the fags in NYC are saying shit about you it aint gonna be any different in florida...or arizona....if you're running from them then you'll be running all your life....then again if you get all confrontational like i do things can end up ah....badly. Oh well i cant really give you much usefull advice cause it's like the blind leading the blind, all i can honestly tell you is that surrounding yourself with people that aren't scumbags and finding honest true friends helps...alot... well it did for me, the meds were fucking useless, family helps too, maybe you should hang out more with your twin?

Aaron said...

Dear James,

I, like others, am appalled at the callous comments left by some other people to your blog. It's as though they've never experienced pain or a down moment in their lives. Having said that, let me reiterate some of the things others have said:
1) The poster who wrote that you are better off being single right now is correct. If you aren't happy with yourself, being in a relationship isn't going to ease the problem, it will most likely compound it;
2) You should go see a psychologist immediately. Everything you are currently feeling is not abnormal and can be helped by seeking treatment in a clinical setting. Be forewarned though, in order to get the peace you seek, you are going to have to start unpacking some very painful boxes inside of yourself and dealing with the stuff in those boxes. That is not an easy thing to do. I've done it (and continue to do it) and owning up to painful parts of your past and personality is difficult and requires alot of courage.;
3) I don't believe switching locales will help you all that much. In most situations when that occurs you: a)move to a new city, b) discover that you still have the same problems and, c) now have cut yourself off from whatever support system you had developed in your old location. So now, typically, you are still depressed and angry in a new city with very few people around who can and want to help you carry that burden;
4)James, you have to want to make these changes. From what I've read on your blog so far, you seem to do alot of venting on here. That's fine. If you are serious about getting better though than you have to take the first step. Once you do, I promise you, you will start to feel better almost immediately. If for no other reason then because you are no longer a passive actor in your life. You will be taking ownership of the problems and your feelings and gaining a measure of control over them. That is ALWAYS a better place to be.;
5) If you choose to start taking control over these things, something miraculous will happen. Your inside will become as beautiful as your outside and you will start attracting a whole different type of person. As corny as it sounds, people who are at peace with themselves exude a light that others pick up on and many people find very attractive. You've done the work and other people who have done the work will sense that and flock to you and I gurantee that they will treat you better than alot of your past relationships have. A friend of mine put it best, he said that when he was doing drugs and was seriously depressed and going to the gym 6X per week to battle his depression, his outside was beautiful but he was a total mess. Ironically, he was never more popular with men in the gay community. Once he started dealing with his interior mess (and yes, he still works out) he became less attractive to other men in the gay community. I think that in a nutshell epitomizes some deep-seated dysfunctions present in the gay world.;
6)You've gotten some really good advice from a number of people on here. Most likely, myself and those other people will continue to give you that advice. We can only hope that you take it.

I wish you well, James, and may you always get what you want and still want it.


Spherical Time said...

I still hope that:

1. You have some family or friends that you can stay with for a while outside of the city.

2. You find someone to talk to. Someone that isn't a romantic partner nor into the scene that you despise that will actually listen to you.

Best of luck to you James, where ever you end up.

Ed said...

I have an idea...lay off the roids, lay off the meth and g and get your ass into rehab. No decent man is going to give you the time of day when all you have to offer is drug induced shitfits and roid rages.

nycguy said...

It's a tough time to be in the city, with the weather as fucking cold as it is and the days being so short. Seasonal depression is common. Just try to think that in a few months you'll be walking around the city in flip flops... That always helps me. If you're not happy with what's going on right now, try your hardest to see the light at the end of the tunnel. If things suck, then be excited that they have the potential to get that much better.

Sun One said...

after reading your blogs, i realize now that this is your place to vent and let all of the b.s. out. not to seek advice or wave a red flag, but to decompress and bitch about this life.

i will say this...there are people who want nothing but the best for you and hope that NYC doesn't get the best of you. no matter where you move, you take yourself with you.

i am one of those people. take care of yourself and enjoy your life.


Just joey said...

move to CHICAGO. midwestern values, and people with a good head on their shoulders live here. think about it.

iabe said...

These last few posts are really sad because it just seems like you are lost, angry and confused. A change of venue might do you some good but getting some real help for your very real problems is long over due. It is fair to say you have tried on your own to get better and it is not really happening.

Don't push away people who care about you because you can't control how you act...get help

RiverRock said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
RiverRock said...

This is good news.
A great deal of the decision to move has already been made up in your mind and when the opportunity comes you will act on it. I think your just ironing out the details in your head as you are analytical by nature. It is a positive move forward.

Maby consider what your brother has to say about where your moving. He is an important person in your life and his thoughts on the matter should count. Also consider places that will give you a chance to live peacefully and far enough away that unbalanced people (and activities) will be out of reach. It makes no sense to jump into another fire. Be creative in your choice, and be open to something you would not have considered before.

You have probably have heard of the analogy off the frog in the boiling pot of water. That with slow raises in temperature he doesnt even realize the pot is boiling. Life has become like that and your realizing it in good time. A move will bring fresh perspective and a better environment to do some really good healing both physically and mentally. All the pieces will eventually fall into place. At some point you will just cut the cord and dive into your future.

You can have confidence in yourself because there is a truth that no one can take away from you. Always remember that irreguardless of what others may say or even how you percieve your self there is this one great overidding truth.........YOU.. were born of great value and purpose. No matter what you do or what you have done this truth always remains constant.

Unshackle all that binds your heart and mind and start the journey that you were put here on earth for.

You have choosen to have faith and move forward and I encourage your whole heartedly to keep moving.

aquarat said...

Hey Erik

People = drama

Try moving countries :P (serious).

Relationships are great when they work... but more often than not they don't... and when they don't they can add to emotional instability.

You gotta learn to live on your own until you're stable.

You don't need medicine, just time to stabilise.

You seem like a great guy.

I'm glad you're still alive.


Muscleterranean said...

Look dude,

I wanted to give you my 2 cents, that may be worth a lot more.

I came out 7 years ago, I'm 31, and I don't have any gay friends. I would like to, but the nature of our community as you've outlined it so clearly seems to stand in the way.

I was unhappy, and then I got busy.

One of my points is that you probably have too much time on your hands. Too much time, equals too much time to think.

When there isn't much to think about, then we tend to over analyze the little things to the point of ridiculousness.

Of course you know this already.

Here's my suggestion.

I started learning more about the world, our history, how we got to this point, and what's happening today everywhere. This has made me appreciate my life and circumstances exponentially more.

It also got me on a course to try and help the world improve. I'm trying to become an Economist in order to have a voice.

Basically, focus man. Focus on the past, on the present, and then on the future. Not of yourself, but of humanity as a whole. Believe me you'll soon start to trivialize what you feel.

Don't be a victim of the phycological community. There are right on some things, but in general, it is a businees and pharmaceuticals is probably one of the biggest.

Most people feel the same things. Experience life the same way. It's not that you have a disorder, it's just that you're human.

It can get better, and the cure doesn't have to be prescribed by some asshole that got a degree and so now believes the bullshit she/he was taught.

Nuff said!

PS Check out this documentary on google video. Search for "The Trap" it's a 3 part BBC documentary. It should help a bit.

Tony said...

Hi Erik, I'm going to begin calling you James now.

Some time a go - I was going through a rough time. One would never beleive that I was ever unhappy or would be one to suffer. I appeared , like you to have it all. An boy did I play that role. Always in control ( so I acted). I have been blessed with incredible looks, intelligence , and heart. I have a wonderful career, family and fantastic husband. Yet, I was lost. No one would believe that someone like me could ever feel so alone. I beleive you are in pain - but why? If you get to that truth- trust me, you will be happy.

One morning I heard a song I have heard several times - and never payed attention to: " Do you know where your going to, do you like the things that life is showing you ... where are you going to, do you know..." (Diana Ross song )

And you know what, I couldn't answer the qustion!

I ran out bought the song on some motown album ( Diana Rosss sings it) I know, how GAY!!!
Anyhow. After listening and listening I began to attempt to answer the questions..."Do you know where your going to..."

I painted a mental picture in my head of who I wnated to be and pursued it. And as for those things life was showing me that I did not like, well, I began to avoid them.

I have become exactly who I wanted to be. It took years and years .... and for someone with porn star looks, a great mind, a giving heart and loving husband, I have never been happier, because I like myself.

James, I ask you " Do you know where yur going to? Who do you WANT to be!

I can see you are surrounded by a lot of love and affection. I am thinking of you and hoping you find my level of joy.

Hang in there my friend!!!I will offer any advice you need!


Tony said...


My husband wnats to know if the porn movies --- have caused your depression. Will you be conrinuing in the porn movie bussiness. (Truthfully, I think he jsut wants to knwo if there will be another movie from you, he adores you).

If the movies are not who you want to be ...then don't do them. (even if it does send my husband into a depression). Just kidding.

Erik Rhodes said...

Do i know where i'm going? Do i like what life is showing me?

NO. I have no clue where i'm going, and i hate the things life is showing me.
I think i am to wrapped up day to day, trying not to fall back into hardcore drugs and not killing myself to stop and imagine a better future. I kinda see a game plan of what i could do, yet i havent had the motivation to make any moves.
But wow, trying to imagine a day where i actually like myself... thats like fairytale. I'm sure if God has a set date, like "you be happy by so and so a date" i'm sure i'll be long dead before i see it.
As for porn causing depression, yeah i would say porn ruined my life. I mean all gays have problems that are hard to begin with, Porn has intensified those problems for me 100 percent. I dont think a day goes by where i dont hate what i have become.

Roger said...

Learn to love yourself. Start now. It's a constant work in progress. It's never done. Once you can love yourself, then others can love you. Treat your partner the way that you want to be treated. It sounds simple and it is. Just start it now....it works.

Dmail said...

Face it.
You are a mess. A fucking mess actually. get some help.

messiasx said...

i feel bad for you. Get a good therapist.

black coffee said...


As a frindly reminder, all the saddness and unhappiness that you described and experienced comes from nowhere but your heart. No matter where you relocate to, they will always be there unless you calm down and "clean" your heart.

I find sitting meditation help releasing my stress. I've been praticing sitting meditation for over a year now. I feel I am a totally different person now. More importantly, I am much more happy now.

Do a google search and you may find information to help you get started to do sitting meditation. If you need to know more, post a reply and I may be able to provide more info.


Spiked300 said...

Damn, there's a *ton* of comments on this post.

First off, your honesty is commendable. You don't sugar-coat. You don't make excuses. It's a refreshing departure from the typical machismo that so often defines our American male society -- gay, straight, or bi.

Changing cities may not solve the problem, but it can get you on the right path to solving it. Removing yourself from a negative situation isn't a bad thing -- some things you simply can't fix.

It sounds stupidly corny, but you know what's the right thing for you to do. And even if you don't know definitively, I believe you have a pretty good idea.

So good luck to you. Whatever you decide. :-)

cdog said...

Hey that was a beautiful video, you've got a sharp eye. Reading your blog is still facinating in spite of your apology to your readers for not blogging. For Christ sake man you don't owe any of us anything. It's great that you might be helping some people but dude, focus on your relationship. That's way more important!

And getting out of NYC sounds like a GREAT idea. It's got you cornered in the porn industry and made you think that every gay man in site has to be a vicious reptile. We aren't...including you!

You said "I dont think a day goes by where i dont hate what i have become". What have you become?

Tony said...

Here are a few questions and commemts/compliments.

I ask: are you a mean, cruel person who seeks to hurt people? Are you a liar , only interested in self gain? Do you steal and are you unreliable/untrustworthy. Do you manipulate and cheat?

My friend, if you are not any of these things - than you should at least "like yourself." Answering no to these questions stand you in good stead, make you valuable to yourself and someone else.

I see it like this. When we say "I Love you" to someone , we are saying " I give you myself as a gift. Should we not only give gifts that we ourselves appreciate and value. Therefore - you need to value yourself.

From the short time I have read these entries- I already see someone in you worth valuing. You are absolutely hadsome as hell. Your inner voice in this Blog is warm and from the heart. There is an itellect and depth to you. Wow - you are in the 90th percentile!

You say Porn has ruined your life. Your life is not ruined. It is in a state of flux, but not ruined. You need to view the porn movies as your contribution. Many people have experinced much joy because of the huge gift you have given them through your movies. Focus on a what you have brought to other peoles lives.

You should not hate who you have become- becuase you are not finished yet! you are growing, changing. You may not like where you are at this time- and you will continue to grow and become better.
Trust me - I have been there ( hard drugs, bell of the bell - i really am blessed - like you are in the physical areas - but that is waht caused me my most pain. Know took me seroius, or believed i would LOVE them)-

But nothing heals life "Time and Love"

Just as an aside, the last time my husband and I were chilling out watching a little porn, we watched the new Zeb Atlas movie. I though for sure Zeb would drive my man - right out of his mind crazy. But you know, my husband turned to me and said- "there is only one Erik!" I said what do you mean. and he said ," I can't put my finger on it- but there is something special about Erik that I do not see in anyone else."

I agree with my husband on that one!

Take care, my friend! and remember - "Time and Love" give it to your self!


Take care,

Tony said...

Nothing heals Like "Time and Love."
You certainly have time, you are still young. Question? I am fasinated by my husbands response to Zeb Atlas. Do you feel insecure when someone like him comes into the porn industry- like as if you will be dethroned? ( NOT THAT YOU SHOULD) I ask beacuse I could see in my self as I get a little older- that my insecuries tend to come out - and I need to stuggle with them.


Tony said...

Nothing heals Like "Time and Love."
You certainly have time, you are still young. Question? I am fasinated by my husbands response to Zeb Atlas. Do you feel insecure when someone like him comes into the porn industry- like as if you will be dethroned? ( NOT THAT YOU SHOULD) I ask beacuse I could see in my self as I get a little older- that my insecuries tend to come out - and I need to stuggle with them.


Joey7777 said...

often, people reap what they sow

Daniel said...

James -

You're addicted to drama. You wouldn't feel alive without it. You won't change until you get sick of it... and I don't think that's going to happen for you for another couple of years. You're not done yet. I just hope you make it through alive to become a happy, well-adjusted gay man in his late 20s, or 30s, or 40s - whenever it happens for you.

And yes, they are out there.

RiverRock said...

On a dark road where light and air do not travel and the heart is weary of its load. Cut off from the feeling normal and seeing no one else in the distance just the droning sound of silence and decay. There is no such thing as "life" and the pain keeps up its never ending intensity.

Can you not feel the hand that is on your shoulder?
The cloak of hardship is so thick that feeling has been robbed.
But that hand is there.

Can you not see the presence of love that has joined your journey?
The soul is in such tourment that it can no longer open it self up to love for fear of more pain.
But love is here.

Is that not a path just to your side that is calling you to walk?
The body is too weak now to move it only wants to crumble, there is no more strength or will.
But the path has been made just for you and it is there.

Your eye has not seen and your heart has not felt the things that were set aside for you on the day of your birth. You have yet to claim the purpose and position you were meant to have in life.

But out of your soul will stir the strength you need to stand...to walk..to follow.

Out of that soul will come the rage against the darkness and you will finally raise your hand and strike it down, throwing off its cloak of hardship.

Out of that soul will dawn the vision to see what is good and true and the lies around you will flee like smoke.

Now is the time to claim what was rightfully yours at your birth. To claim your true value. To claim your true purpose. This is the time to stand and become greater than what you could ever imagine for yourself. You are being called to a greater life.
Lift up your head and follow.
You have no need to worry or fear.
As you are not alone.

bmwracer said...

Best of luck to you handsome!

Alfonzo said...

Hi Erik.

I was wondering if you ever considered doing volunteer work with gay youth or people who are considered to be "disenfranchised." I don't know what you do with your time and won't assume.
I will say there is a lot you've experienced in the gay community that has value to others. There are probably a lot of youger gay men who think as soon as they are 18, they can get into doing porn and it's this wonderful fantasy life they'll have of parties and sex. To an extent, I guess it is, but getting your experiences to youger gay people would help them make a more informed, wiser decision about what to do with themsleves.
Think about what route you would have taken if you would have known you'd be where you are today and what changes you may have made if you knew what you know now.
I'm just thinking that maybe if you felt you were making a difference in this world you may just feel a little better about yourself.
Again, I am not assuming, I'm just asking a question. I really think there is a lot your experiences can offer to younger people who really don't know much about what it's like to be gay.
Also, sometimes I think people try to move away from there problems, but in your case I think it might benefit you. New York can seem dark and dreary very often. I live in Phoenix, AZ and whenever I travel up north, the lack of sun sometimes makes me anxious.

Derek said...


you need to learn how to pick yourself up by the fucking balls and move on. move on from the past, stop dwelling. seriously dude, stop. im fucking 18 and i can do it already, you should be able to too. porn did not turn you into who you are, you turned yourself into who you are. if you like it, great, if not, then be proactive about making a change. and stop trying to rely so much on medication. just love yourself james because deep down inside youre a good guy. im not sure wether or not youre aware of that yet but someday you will be. you have a beautiful life and to see it deminish because of a bunch of stupid fags who get their kicks from putting you down, or because you have issues with yourself would be really really sad. and besides, you cant leave new york, youre like the chrysler building = )


CW said...

"As for porn causing depression, yeah i would say porn ruined my life. I mean all gays have problems that are hard to begin with, Porn has intensified those problems for me 100 percent."

Have you spoken to Cpl Matt Sanchez? He is a retired Marine who lives in NYC and used to be a gay porn star back in the 80's. He said it was the worst time of his life. Now, he's pretty successful, a war correspondent, writer for WorldNetDaily, and FoxNews commentator. He might have some ideas how to overcome the damages from gay porn.

Tim said...

Maybe the time has come for you to get out of the city and to leave the people behind that cause you the most trouble your ex for one and perhaps even your carrier in porn.

Maybe it is time for you to make the clean break, I really think it will be good for you in the long run mentally and physically and emotionally.

Ever since you have written this blog I have read your stories your ups and downs and yes it seems there are more of those then happier times, sad to say. Now I really think it is time to get away from it all leave while you can.....

Either way I wish you all the best as I have said in the past. You deserve more good things in life then you receive.

Tony said...

Oh James!

Not sure you want to follow any advice from Rod Majors (Cpl Matt Sanchez). He is one man full of hate. No, No James, you still have heart - and some reason to spread good.

But I do want you to think - about where you want to be , who do you admire and aspire to be like. Soon - I will share how I aspired to be like my hero -( I will have to be careful as to not give away my identity)but I transformed my life - just by trying to become more like an idol.

Stay - cool my friend!


william said...


rodiv_ro said...

Good luck mate, but you will not be successful in your atempt if you don't change your mentality as well!
Relocate - great idea - California would be a bad choice, Florida could be great, but don't choose a Wilton Manors style living location. Move within the Jewish area - Deerfield, Boca, Delray, Boynton, West Palm = it's pretty and easyon the eyes & your libido won't be aroused from all the bald spots and crooked noses! :)
The Sun will help you be a bit more optimistic.
You need to be single for a while buddy! Learn that no other man will be able to love you if you cannot love yourself. You need to be happy with who you are!
Keep Busy! Go back to school! Take some classes! Find work in an area that you are passionate about!
Try signing up for AA - did wonders for my friend, but don't let it become your cult!
Notice the KEY word: TRY!
Get off your ass and start laying the groundwork for the rest of your life. The first step is the hardest. Look up where you want to live - get excited!!!
Best to you!

edmcan said...

@rodiv_ro-you are anti-semitic and racist. Your advice is meaningless.

Matty5280 said...

Ok.. I just read your blog for the first time, it had me in tears. Just had to take 45 mins to compose myself. To read that you hate what you have become, to read that you have felt so unloved or unwanted and alone. It brought back some memories for me.. I can totally empathize with your struggle. Made bad choices, and boy some were some REALLY bad choices that I will say are the biggest regrets of my life. BUT... We don't live in the past. We live in the here and now.. Can't take more than one moment at a time - thats the only way the come.

You need to keep talking, but need to talk to someone who isn't a friend or isn't someone who knows you. You need a unbias view, someone who can look at it without a skewed view. I am sure I am telling you something you already know.

I have personally picked up and moved from Philly to Miami, Miami to Denver, Denver to San Diego, San Diego to NYC and then back home. One thing that was always the same. The god damm baggage followed me everywhere I went. One thing the fuckin airlines can't lose. ya know.. (but if they could gezzz imagine what they would charge for that).. You need to go past the "feel like getting motivated" and just get your ass up and do what YOU need to do.. Those feelings probably seem to simmer and boil and then go cold, and then back to boil with no warning. Stress induced, add in anxiety and a fun combo it all becomes.. I have done my fair share of all night party nights to dull the pain, and the what the fuck did I just do cry.. But you have many times said in all that I read you want to live life.. You want more than what your feeling, and more than what you feel you can't have. You have as much right as anyone else at being happy in life, you deserve to be loved just as much as anyone else. Who the hell cares what you do for a living, or have done. You might hate what you have become but that doesn't mean you are who you have become!. CHANGE IT! Get ride of the what and and be WHO YOU ARE!. You sound like you have a heart as big as all get out!. Which is probably why you feel the way you do.. heart of the sleeve, people take advantage of and you have trouble saying no..

You defintily stronger than you think that's for sure, I see that with every blog you wrote. You just need to believe in yourself and work on having faith in yourself. Don't sweat the small stuff, when you do all the small stuff turns in to big stuff.

KEEP WRITING, my guess would be it's a great outlet for you..


GayCinema said...

Smile, smile, and smile. I hope everything is fine for you, here is looking at u, my boy.
btw: How about traveling some exotic places like Beijing? :-)

GayCinema said...

hi James,
Just finished all the comments here, in the beginning, I did care about you, we all have the rights to chase our own happniess. What I can say is, forget the past, smile, and go on...
Finally, I found some topics are turned into the porn thing which I am into. In China, we don't have the porn industry legally, so I had no related experience but many porn videos (actually I made a softcore magazine before which is closed by the gov now, quite amazing, not bad memory). I know some people in the industry live in peace finally, like Wakefield Poole, he made the first freture-length porn film Boys in the San (1971) and he became a hotle manager in his fifty I guess. Life is mysterious. Remember, the only thing can destroy you is yourself, so my boy, be strong (in your soul), find something new or interests you. Everyone will have a new start from the moment he makes up his mind, I believe you will find a new world too. I will check this post to make sure you are OK.
Smile, smile & smile.
Mao :-)

wayn said...

You have a disease. It's called "go away closer," and it can't be cured by antidepressants. It will follow you wherever you go.


best sunsets out west.. huge sky,

Marc said...


Maybe leaving New York will improve things for a while -- depending on where you go, it could definitely lower the pressure on you. Medication will have some similar effects, as you've already found out. At the same time, no matter where you go, you'll be taking yourself with you, so if you're ever going to be happy, there's no choice but to learn to start treating yourself better, forgiving yourself and others of perceived mistakes and finding your own worth.

I know it's difficult when you're unhappy with where you are and even more importantly, unhappy with yourself. I've spent plenty of time in that space as well. The only way out is by digging yourself out of the hole bit by bit -- you don't go from hating yourself to loving yourself all at once. You go from hating yourself to maybe hating yourself a little less... maybe even clawing your way up to feeling discouraged... there's always a little progress to be made, and even if it's just a little bit of progress, you still feel better along the way.

The other side of the coin, James, is that if you're not happy with where you are, then you need to find the courage to choose a different direction -- even if you're not sure what it will look like. There's power in shifting from paying attention all the things you don't like to at least deciding what you do want, even if it's just saying, "I want to be happy, I want to feel good about myself, I want a relationship that's supportive and healthy, I want friends I can trust and who care about me, I want work I can feel good about..." It's okay if you're not sure how those things will come about, but that's where you can start.

big bad nosh said...

I removed my comment from your last post as it was shitty and mean. just like all the people you talk about. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make it all better but having been on anti-depressants of one kind or another for more than eight years i can see why you have that love/hate relationship with them. on the one hand they narrow the range of mood swings and make things just a little bit more bearable but on the other they don't fix the problem. there is no solution to this, you have to be honest with yourself and say 'okay, i'm fucked in the head' and then step up to the plate and get on with it. i have tried counselling but for the most part it didn't help as i would not open up as much as i could have done, some things are just too personal.
but you are some of the way there so don't just stand there and go boo hoo as it will get to the point where no one will give a shit as they have heard it all before. if you can take yourself out of the scene you are in then do it. i spent eighteen months off my tits every day and night and thought i was the bees knees and at the end, when the money ran out and all those fair weather friends everyone vanished into thin air it was one heck of a kick in the teeth. the gay scene sucks and not very well at that. true friends you can count on the fingers of one hand, the rest are just window dressing. you don't even have to move out permanently, try some long breaks away from the city. be boring, humdrum, dull even but be yourself. i'm nowhere close to being fixed but at least i can see some kind of light at the end of the tunnel and i'm not about to switch it off yet.

big hugs

big bad nosh

tommy said...


You may be fucked up right now, but there are so many people out there that idolize you. It may be for your sexuality, but shit, how many of us even have that? Right now, you are the man every man wants to be and every man wants to have. People like you ex may be assholes, but NYC is a great place to be. I can't see you living in the midwest or the southwest. No intrigue, no electricity. I was in NYC last week and got a rush just thinking that I was in the same city as you were. How exciting is that !! You have made my lif eso much more exciting just because you exist and that sometime in my mundane life, I might run into you.
Don't give up on yourself yet. You have so much going for you. Get a hold of me and I will tell you how much you are worth!!



- dude. its YOU
i think youve been unacknowledged to extremes. so in extremes your rationale level proper for a cat fight prompts a nuclear bombing.
aka why i almost fell 9 stories and clawed my way up 1" balcony metal to my best friend and asked him to save me.

its hard
i definately needed to learn the skill sets (they wouldnt give me anymore since i 'was learning too much'
anywho, cheers. simple BS now.. nah dude, you have enough to get you there, back, inbetween, and out of NYC

no offence,its WORSE than toronto.
and i'm not even in toronto, im in calgary. but beefy guys in size mediumshirts (which they over power and i fill quite nicely (2 in one!!)) are everywhere here
i've gone skinhead until someone can save me.

and i think you can go non-boutique POS NYC.. ant you HONESTLY find something there that no one else has?
still, your music is POP. but look at my BIG BLOG in a few days time. geeeeze, its taken me 4 days already, and im not even half done listening to all the sets i have.

ps. my captcha is

if youre not a libra, i dunno dude. we shouldnt have t his much connection.

Tony said...


I have to say, i really like what Tommy had to say; so real, positive and up lifting. He is the kind of guy you want to hook up with! He gave good, sincere avice and insight.

I stillwant to know if models / performers like Zeb Atlas entering the gay porn (hard core)scene intimidates you! does it make you feel even more insecure, like ther is a new king in town ( bigger, newer - and yet to be bottomed).

If it does - just re- read what I said my husband said about you; "There is only one Erik!"

Nothing cures like "Time & Love"

thinking of you,


Joey7777 said...

Tommy : Come live in NYC for a while and you'll see it's just a bunch of gay losers who thought they could be glamourpuss by moving here, and only associate with the same out-of-town losers. Needy guys with a bunch of other needy guys. Thank goodness it's getting so expensive that fewer and fewer gays can move here, unless they're very smart doctors, or something, like their hetero counterparts.

starsareblind said...

The answer is not medication, that will only screw with your head.
Try to get away from your world for a while, no sex, no drugs, no parties, no alcohol, no bullshit.
No one will make your world whole but yourself.
And what you really need is to talk to someone from outside this world of yours, if not a friend that is "neutral" maybe a therapist. Talk your issues through.
You are not worthless, no one is.
Everybody has a value but you have to give yourself some value before anyone else can do the same.

That are many things you can do with your life, you choose your path.

Nothing is forever, everything changes. All the worries and all the pain will soon be gone!


Teejay24 said...

Funny, I never once thought of you as a trashy porn star.

But I hear you re; some of the asinine faggots in this town. It really make you want to run some times.

gran said...

Not sure how I came across this...and some of these responses seem pretty hostile.
Regardless, it looks like u need to asses ur surroundings. Moving will NOT make u happy. Only U can make U happy.
If u do porn...If that's the case and ur unhappy...redirect urself. U seem smart enough. Cut urself some slack dude. WE ALL FUCK UP!!!
And as for others judging u...WE ALL get judged.
Stay close to those who truly love and care for u.
Hope u feel better.

Cross these oceans said...

Go to the country. I spent a week in the middle of nowhere in Canada and it's great to live within a block of a downtown that's less than two streets in Manhattan. Even if it's only for a bit, take a notebook and some cds and rent a house to get away.

Maybe you'll find a spot to go to permanently. Mine might be Kobe, but visa's are a beast.

DivaByNight said...

Im not sure MOVING is the answer.... and your right, the gay drama is EVERYWHERE.....


Fort Lauderdale WELCOMES YOU.
(and we love our porn stars)

However.. I will say unlike New York, Lauderdale Sleeps.

call.the.shots said...

wow. i can't believe i stumbled upon Erik Rhode's page. ur a freaken stud. i love ur scenes. so hot. i guess i have a lot to catch up on.

sarcastro said...


I know of you not for your porn movies, as I've never seen one. I'm not even sure I'd care to. I only know of you through DNR. It's cool to know of you from something a little deeper than porn, something that demonstrates your intelligence more than your sexual abilities.

There's definitely something special to you. And I think, somewhere in there, some part of you knows that. Perhaps removing yourself from things that help oppress the you you want to be would help. Perhaps some medication would help. And if it could find you a happier guy who actually likes and respects himself, anything is worth trying.

Recreational drugs aren't helping you. "The biz" seems not to be taking you in the direction you want to be going.

Where do you want to go, James? Who are you? Who do you want to be? What do you need to do to accomplish the metamorphosis from the caterpillar who seems TRAPPED in his cocoon into the brilliant, free butterfly you'd like to be?

What do you need to learn? What do you need to let go? What do you need to lose?

Well, hopefully you don't have to lose anything (at least nothing that you aren't better off losing), but there's a point -- a recurring theme to the questions I'm asking -- the phrase "you need to".

You feel like you're a bit out of control, maybe... but YOU NEED TO take control of your life. Make better choices. Make the right choices. Make the choices you need to make to deliver you from the storm.

I've learned to love the things about me that are good, and am learning to change the things about me that I don't like. You CAN do this. And if you really want to, you WILL. And even if you're not comfortable with a therapist -- I can completely understand that -- you need to surround yourself with positive people who will be supportive of you and your need for change....

You didn't get the body you have without a lot of work for it. Similarly, you won't get the life, the SELF you want without a lot of work for it. It's mostly a matter of how much is it worth to you?

Find people who will be there for you. There ARE people who can and will really and truly care for you, and be there for you along the way. Don't be disillusioned by the queers you're used to. There are others of us out here who aren't that way. You can't really judge all of us for the actions of some of us.

I realise that I am nobody to you. And really, if not for DNR, you'd be nobody to me. But hell, it's enough for me to feel for you, because, well, I guess, what I do know of you is as a PERSON, not a sex object. (A rare occurrence on here, I could imagine.)

Things can be different. You just gotta make the effort. Not just run away, but going elsewhere COULD help in starting fresh. Whatever you do, if you're putting effort in, you should reap the rewards... and I'll be rooting for ya. And even be willing to offer whatever I can, though it won't involve a Paypal donate button. :)Sometimes it's just nice to have a person who can listen and even relate some, especially someone in your own age range.

Just be strong, figure out what you need to change, how you can change it, and then follow through. I know you can do it.


Mystery said...


unfortunately, the drama is not in new york, it's in your head. if you feel crappy about the current situation that you are in, it's because you allow your emotins to take over. and please, I MEAN PLEASE don't get anymore medication-turn to meditation. i know the down sides of yoga might be your fear of attaining leaner muscles but you're currently on a fucked up roller coaster ride that has got you mentally exhausted and the drugs that you take(or use to take)has physically drained you out.

we tend to believe that exterior factors fully shape us into the individuals that we are-FALSE! they only manifest options available to us and they are usually options that we tend to take. our choices gets us to where we are now, sometimes not resulting in what we wished for.

fucked up things happend to people who are meant to become great. you are currently in testing, so stay strong...because we are cheering for ya:)

Mystery said...

i forgot to mention this one fact.

your blog has become my one stop spot fot great alternative/industrial music that i don't get here. it seems like music is your way expressing yourself with the words you can't find.

this song might be a little off track for you but check out beyonce's new song "halo" and close your eyes, it might do you some good.

and keep posting great music on to your playlist.

gavin said...

So your unhappiness is the city's fault?

Sorry, Erik. Everywhere you go ... there you are.

gavin said...

"porn ruined my life."

"Porn has intensified problems for me 100 percent. I dont think a day goes by where i dont hate what i have become."

Porn shouldn't matter that much, Erik!

Your statements make me think you overestimate porn and sex work and had way too high expectations from it to begin with.

Did you think sex stardom would last, or that it would be the most important or lucrative accomplishment in your life?

Do you think sex stardom will be the high point in your life?

Do you think you're incapable of anything else? Do you have no passion for anything else in life?

If you answered "yes" to any of the above questions, then you are a seriously mistaken, ungrounded person with terrible priorities.

Do you honestly need fame, hot guys, hot sex, parties and being considered a sex symbol at all times for the rest of your life?

It doesn't happen for ANYONE.

You should dream BIGGER than porn; about more important things you can devote your life's work to. A career that's maybe more financially secure and valuable in the long run, even if that means producing porn.

But you, like a lot of hot people, seem to need constant affirmation of your physical hotness and people kissing your ass at all times to survive.

If you derive all meaning, money and hope in your life from your sexual stardom, and you think that's all you're capable of, then it's no wonder your miserable.

Put sex work into its proper perspective: fun, financially rewarding work that's only viable while you're young.

And fuck what the haters think. You are perfectly popular as a porn star and you should be comfortable without needing everyone's worship — different strokes for different folks and there's a lot of sour grapes and envy in the world.

But your happiness, money and future career(s) should not depend on your personal sex stardom!

Use your imagination, find something more important, lucrative and useful that you can do. Study this career and pursue it!

If you don't want to give up the hot sex/ party atmosphere, become a porn producer/ techie or something.

But stop yourself and others from trying to make porn work out to be such a big deal in your life — IT'S NOT.

JR said...

Hey there Erik,

I understand how you're feeling. It's crazy how much stuff goes through your head. Sometimes it's important to just take a moment and reflect on the past and plan the future. I do have to say taking time to focus on something as new and turbulent as a new relationship is a great idea. It takes a pretty level head to be able to put things into priority. You're doing okay. We're the same age and I feel like we're on the same page sometimes. It's nice to see that even celebrities have some hard times too.
Good luck!

Lakeside MVP said...

Man I have been reading your blog for some time now and all I can say is my prayers are with you. I seriously hope you will come to see that God created you in and out of love and that you have human dignity due to that creation. You can be so inspiring if you choose to be. I am a gay Christian....some of us know Christ as love, so I will not be as some and berate you, but I do hope you find Christ and understand Him as love. Unconditional love. That is the starting point for all of us no matter what we do.
You deserve help for yourself for your depression. And please keep in mind that those drugs themselves are depressants just feeing into you and causing anxiety. There is a better way and you can end up being the person you want and are meant to be. God Bless, Rob

banine said...

I think I can relate to how you feel pal--that angst you feel crawling under your skin. The way I try to force myself to see the world: one day, I'm going to pass away, and when that day comes, I want to be able to know in my heart, that I lived according to what was important to me. I'm telling you this because it seems like you have lost that little flame in your tummy--your passion for life. Look inside yourself pal, I guarantee you'll be suprised by what you find. I'm not some neo-religious zealot. And I kind of feel like a fool for typing this to you because your probably not even going to read this, but in the off chance you do, and it helps you a smidgen, it's all worth it. I know I don't know you and I'm young, but I'm not naiive. The boundaries you live in you create for yourself. Don't let it take the rest of your life to figure that out.
-Your young pal from Canada

Mao Lei said...

hi dude, Happy Spring Festival.

LDJ said...

Yes, see a doctor. Get professional help. And I agree some of the comments below, that moving from where you are will not change anything for you. The stuff you are talking about sounds to me like stuff that will follow you. Like getting your head caught in a huge, nasty cobweb. REAL sticky.

daveku said...

This is really weird for me. I came across your blog- from a blog from a link, to another link yadda yadda. I was reading bits and pieces with my blurred vision, and for some reason (it may have been because it was 3 am or the half of bottle of scotch I drank.. or both) but it felt like I kinda sorta understood some of the things you are going thru. I never ‘cold’ wrote anyone because, well, like many things, it just takes to much effort! That’s why I have no blog, no myspace, NOTHING! I want to, I just don’t feel like it. I’m not gonna preach like some of the people who’ve replied to you nor am I gonna say ‘I know exacty what you feel’, because news flash, I DON’T. Only you do, but I can relate. Nothing pisses me off more when someone gives be advice!! I guess they mean well, but it still pisses me off!! I’ve been on meds (cymbalta and Xanax.. I luv xanax) Not by choice, but because I started waking up as if I had stuck my dick in an electrical socket. My boyfriend, who is bi-polar (who refuses to take meds… so whenever he’s around its like walkin on fuckin eggshells) convinced my doc it was ‘work-related’ stress/ anxiety. I lucked out cuz the meds worked, and no more panic attacks. Now, I’ve been out of work for a year, had to move out of apartment and back into mommy dearest’s basement (I’d love to give her a wire hanger right up her cootch!) All my so-called friends have disappeared or are now so damn annoying I want nothing to do with them. I go to the gym, but the people piss me off. But that I’m outa work, the pendulum has swung the other way.. I’m fuckin depressed and the meds which usually take the edge off are now pushing me down further. Thank god for Johnny Walker. Like you, I get ready to go to a bar (no gay bars around Trenton) and then just change my mind and stay home and watch Hindu-TV. I used to love going to NYC on a whim, to drink, eat, whatever, but I don’t. Hell, its only 45 minutes.
So what’s my fuckin point? I have no fuckin clue! I think it is what people have been telling me, but I have been only tooooo fuckin stubborn to listen to. It’s your life and only you can fix it. Force yourself to go out. If people bug you ignore them, or just leave. Be yourself not who you think people want you to be. You’ll find how all the pieces will fit into place. Trust me. I wouldn’t know you from Adam. I’m dense sometimes. It’s kinda funny, you so desperately want to leave NYC and I’m applying to anyone possible to get in! Maybe if I get off my ass, I’ll see you in a bar sometime. Then again, the only place I ever go is the hangar… gross…. It used to be nice, well sort of… any place else requires… effort. Now if ony I followed my own suggestions. But in some fucked up way, I feel better. It’s nice to vent to a total stranger.
See yens & hang in there,

P.S. Always remember and never forget, ‘PEOPLE ARE STUPID!’

mr said...

As cliché as this may sound, you are what you surround yourself with. It sounds like you have witnessed all that is detestable in this world; maybe it is time to see the other side. From the little I have read...you already know what "it" isn't. MAYBE its time for a real change - and I don't mean the blOwBAMA kind ha ha. Make the glass half full.

Your in my prayers. Best of luck studly ;)


GFunkDave said...

James, moving won't help. YOu'll still find yourself with the same problems and no friends in a strange city.

Stop the roids. Stop the drugs. Seek professional help - the combination of talking therapy and medication is by far the most effective. Get your medication from a real psychiatrist.

Change requires courage - I haven't seen indication that you really want to change. When your backbone is as strong as your wishbone, you will.

M said...

I hope you find some peace in your life. Not all "faggots" are the same. There are some of us that live in small communities and carry on with our lives without any hate or discontent. I wish the same for you. You deserve it just as much as everyone else.
Take care.....Martin

SirPercy said...

seventy-seven comments so far. holy cow, james.

it's been 2 weeks, getting worried about you. you ok? still living? i'm hesitant to ask for an update, "no news is good news" may not apply...

J.C. Clarke said...

If you don't see a shrink for some meds or move away from NYC or make some sort of change immediately I will be forced to think of you as the biggest drama queen of them all.

Fali said...

Hello, i write from spain, seeing that there are already 79 comments i think you wont see mine, however, faith never gives up, sorry for my bad english :P
James ( i've seen some ppl told ur real name ) i've been watching u in some films, and i really love u as a porn star. I decided to find u on internet, and u see, i found something about you, i only want to tell you that i hope u get better and forget that kind of thinks u told in that day... life is really pretty and u have everything to make it real, dont trust in ppl who makes u like a god, just feel the love, the patienty, warm, from ppl who really like you....
My desire? to meet you, come to spain !! I live in Málaga, Andalucía, a nice place to get some holidays with the sun and do turism! hehe, my best wishes, Raven. I hope u see this.

Fali said...

Hello, i write from spain, seeing that there are already 79 comments i think you wont see mine, however, faith never gives up, sorry for my bad english :P
James ( i've seen some ppl told ur real name ) i've been watching u in some films, and i really love u as a porn star. I decided to find u on internet, and u see, i found something about you, i only want to tell you that i hope u get better and forget that kind of thinks u told in that day... life is really pretty and u have everything to make it real, dont trust in ppl who makes u like a god, just feel the love, the patienty, warm, from ppl who really like you....
My desire? to meet you, come to spain !! I live in Málaga, Andalucía, a nice place to get some holidays with the sun and do turism! hehe, my best wishes, Raven. I hope u see this.

Ralph 1977 said...


I am 31 years old and live in Switzeland. Therefore, please apologize if there are any grammair mistakes.

I do not know why But I would be very glad if you could get in contact by email and build up something like a letter friendship in this way.

At this time I really reflect if I shall enter into the German porn business. But the decision has not been made until now.

It would be great if I got a message from you.

Have a good time and all the best

Kind regards,


My Emailaddress: ralph.studer@hotmail.com

The Age of Gold said...

I randomly came across your blog, and, frankly have never heard of you before and really know nothing about you, but - well, my heart goes out to you:

you gotta develop some compassion - first for yourself, and then for other people. It sounds like you've been through a lot. give yourself a fucking break. we all make mistakes, we all think we should have done things differently or that things should have been some other way. give yourself a fucking break.

and don't be so hard on other people. they are in the same boat you are in, wanting love and acceptance and to feel good about themselves, and like you, they don't necessarily know how to do it, and fuck up just like you do.

i live thousands of miles away, am "elderly" and want absolutely nothing from you. I've been where you're at, and there are ways out of it. the suggestion to do some volunteer work- something to take your focus off your own situation is not a bad one. we get into self reinforcing mental loops about things and it's hard to jog yourself out by yourself.

from the Tao te Ching:

I have just three things to teach:
simplicity, patience, compassion
These three are your greatest treasures.
Simple in actions and in thoughts,
you return to the source of being,
Patient with both friends and enemies,
you accord with the way things are.
Compassionate toward yourself,
you reconcile all beings in the world.

take care of yourself man, you are worth it.

soulwriter01 said...

hey erik if ur lookin for a easy goin place may i suggest sun valley, sparks, or reno. there all great places in nevada

dai26 said...

Why don't you think about finding some new interests?? School/study perhaps (Law School - like in After Party [heheh])? Or gardening? Photography? Motorbike Riding? Gymnastics? Reading the Newspaper? ANYTHING! People in general are narcissistic (which is what I think you are inferring when you state that gay people are selfish) but you James, are no different from the rest of the human population... Your problem, I think, is that you haven't really realized that yet. You seem to live in a world where in your mind; you are superior or at least removed from your contemporaries. Your title perfectly sums this up (although I think you meant “dissociative”): "Dissacociative" behavior. You call these negative people "faggots" which you compartmentalize any negative behavior into this category of humanity and because you don't associate yourself with these people [mentally], you end up not associating yourself with these negative (but human) concepts. The problem with this James is that you never confront these problems within yourself. Anything that you find too difficult to deal with you transfer to your hated "faggots". This means that you end up blaming the "Faggots" for any wrongdoing in your life - leaving yourself unscathed and a victim of your antagonizes. It's very easy to blame others for the problems in one's life James. What is hard is to confront the bad things in one's own psyche and accept these things as a part of you.
James, to me it seems as though you place SO many expectations on the people around you to please you and gratify you - and if they don't do what you expect of them, you grow resentful and call them selfish or faggots... mate, this is not a good way to live. It is not their fault if they do not do what you expect of them... it is your fault for expecting these things from them. THESE EXPECTATIONS are SELFISH because the expectation is based upon what YOU want someone to do! THIS IS SELFISH BEHAVIOUR... In fact, I would suggest that perhaps what you hate most in other people "selfishness" is what you yourself are promoting within yourself - Your disassociation with these "Faggots" is the barrier to your own well being. When you accept that you are a part of the world around you and not superior to it, you will accept your own selfishness. Letting go of your expectations on others (your selfishness) will ultimately alter your relations and communications with other people. It will completely change your life.
Perhaps its time to take control of your life instead of blaming others when your life goes wrong...???

william said...

If not Miami, come to Los Angeles. Nothing is real here, so you never actually have to feel anything.

cj said...

hey whats up dude, just some unsolicited advice. i'm no expert myself, but i have gone through enough experiences to give you some hints on certain things

1) stop taking any kind of drug, alcohol or any other substance. if you do have a mental illness of any sorts (depression, bi-polar, etc.) the neurons in your brain that don't function properly are being even more damaged by these substances. for example. bi-polar is theorized to be caused by a sodium imbalnce in the neurons in the part of the brain that deals with cognative ability. when you drink alcohol, the alcohol further interferes with this balance and slowly will kill off neurons in that part of the brain. on top of that if you were to take any prescription, the effect of the drug would not only be canceled out by the alcohol, but would make the condition worse based on how they react to each other. dense and complicated i know, but having gone through this issue, it helped me understand what i was doing to myself when i broke down the science that was going on up there

2) before you leave NYC, make sure you're just leaving the city because you don't like it, not because you don't like what its done to you. Basically, people will be people, and likely whatever you faced in NYC you'll face in some capacity elsewhere. You need to make sure you're not escaping the effects that it had on your psyche or self-esteem, etc. because it'll simply follow you to the next city. You'll have to do some self-examining and try to ascertain what went wrong and when and then try to break things down when you go into therapy, which sounds like you should do.

3) By all means seek help, but seek help constructively. Psychology is a business and if you don't go in there with a plan, then you're going to waste a lot of money. While the "how are you feel" questions are helpful, you will be better served if you go in there with the frame of mind of attacking whatever the problem is. Basically, first you have to write down every single major problem you've ever had in your life. Sounds crazy, I know, but often our psychological issues are derivatives from what has happened in the past - particularly childhood. As you do that, scribble a basic summary of whatever was going on at the time. Then as you go through your years, try and see if you can find any consistencies or correlations. For example, I found that when I isolated myself, I got depressed, drank more and turned more to sex. This happened consistently over and over again. I wanted to stop having the sex so I had to keep working backwards to find the root of the problem. Therefore, the key for me was to identify why I isolated myself in the first place so when I went into therapy, that was what I dealt with. Make sense? Its like you have a weed...you're only going to get rid of it by going to the root.

After you do that, pick up a copy of the DSM-IV. Its kind of like a shrink's bible. Read through it and try and see if you can do some self-analysis to find a few conditions where you fit the description the most. After you've done that, go back to that list you made. Can you find examples of everything? Does everything match up? Do your homework.

Finally, ditch any and everyone that simply isn't helpful. I'm not sure about the NYC gay scene and I don't want to stereotype, but it seems like you might be better served to just be on your own for a bit and work things out in your head. Maybe take a few classes in things you're interested in, take up a hobby - give yourself some constructive mental stimulation (i.e. not drugs) that will harden a sense of self and give you satisfaction in just being, not alone, but by yourself. Basically, you want to be able to get to the point to where you can go back to these places, laugh these people off and be so secure and well-adjusted that you could care less. That takes time, though.

So yeah dude, good luck with things. I hope that things work out for you.

DanOD said...

RELOCATION: I've done big moves twice - once beneficial, once not. It didn't work the first time because I was moving "away," not "to," if that makes any sense. My second big move was relocating here "to" NYC with a genuine purpose for being here.

MEDS: I have had issues similar to you over the years. Relationship counseling, anger management counseling, psychotherapy, and a variety of meds over the years never seemed to work appropriately until Lexapro. Ask a doctor about it. I've been on it for four years with no negative side effects, even when I party. I'm still the same person, but the intense volume in my head has significantly decreased such that I handle matters so much better.

COMMENTS: I've read your blog on and off, but had never clicked on Comments before. (I'm usually focused on your music selections, which are awesome!) But it just amazes me how evil some people can be. I'm impressed, and appreciative, that you share your shit.

Fali said...

Hello again Erik.
Im telling u something stupid, but its real, and happened to me, the guy that never thought it could be possible.
Im here, waiting to see some words wrote by you, since i see u on films, and later, i searched u on the i-net, and found this blog, i have been thinking all the time how are you... how its ur dailly life...i want to hear u, i need to know that this time that i've been thinking about u is not wasted... and again, sorry for my english, im 21 years old guy from spain so it cant be perfect !! hehehe....
Finally, i only want to see some comment that reveal u read this and this time isnt waste!! Thank u Erik, (James) u dont know how happy I feel, thinking that chat with u its possibly real ;) :-D

guillermo said...

i don't know what to say, i have also fallen in depressions and i do know how hard is to find a sense in our lifes, everyone says life is beauty, but most of the time i don't feel it like that, i also feel i don't worth the time of anyone, i am afraid of the lonelyness, but i can't find something worthed inside of me.

i know that when someone (like us) have been so sad, so depressed; change your mind and feel happy it's not so easy, in fact, it's like your brain refuse to go on, but we gotta start, continue our lifes,one step by one.

i know by my own experience how you feel, but i can assure you, you worth, you really do; everytime that i read this blog i see a real person, with feeling, soome whos is still looking for someone or something special, honest, and if you let me be completeky honest i would be very pround to be your boyfriend.
do you know how difficult is to find someone like you? not only beacuse of the face and body, i mean beacuse of the heart. In a world where everyone just want quick sex, where everyone denys their own feeling an act as a sexual robots, you are pure gold.

ok, you are a porn star, you make a lot of people happy, except yourself. maybe it's not the best job in the world, but for now, try to focus in what you have instead of what you don't.
you have a boyfriend who love you, give him an opportunity to love you, try to see the good side of the life, i know it's not easy, but we gotta try, find yourself, you are a good boy, the problem is you haven't notice it yet.

guillermo said...

i don't know what to say, i have also fallen in depressions and i do know how hard is to find a sense in our lifes, everyone says life is beauty, but most of the time i don't feel it like that, i also feel i don't worth the time of anyone, i am afraid of the lonelyness, but i can't find something worthed inside of me.

i know that when someone (like us) have been so sad, so depressed; change your mind and feel happy it's not so easy, in fact, it's like your brain refuse to go on, but we gotta start, continue our lifes,one step by one.

i know by my own experience how you feel, but i can assure you, you worth, you really do; everytime that i read this blog i see a real person, with feeling, soome whos is still looking for someone or something special, honest, and if you let me be completeky honest i would be very pround to be your boyfriend.
do you know how difficult is to find someone like you? not only beacuse of the face and body, i mean beacuse of the heart. In a world where everyone just want quick sex, where everyone denys their own feeling an act as a sexual robots, you are pure gold.

ok, you are a porn star, you make a lot of people happy, except yourself. maybe it's not the best job in the world, but for now, try to focus in what you have instead of what you don't.
you have a boyfriend who love you, give him an opportunity to love you, try to see the good side of the life, i know it's not easy, but we gotta try, find yourself, you are a good boy, the problem is you haven't notice it yet.

nycguy said...

please tell me you knew about this: look at the actors' names...


Andres Hassan said...

sometimes life and solutions are as simple as breathing in, out, letting go and taking the next opportunnity to start from zero...

J.C. Clarke said...

dear boy you need to see a professional as you very well might be bi-polar and that's a mental illness which is very difficult to control without medication...don't think of the medication as making you into a zombie

I feel really sad after reading this last post because it seems you are not just being dramatic but that you have serious mental illness issues to sort out. Buddy, get some help.

ps. you have great music sense

AngloAm said...

Hi, James:

1) You have a great deal of ability to write; you have insight and skill at getting complex thoughts to be accessible and interesting to the reader. I bet your memoirs will be interesting reading. Have you considered writing professionally? Just a thought (because even as I sympathise with some of your statements and thoughts, and recoil in horror from others, I love the way you express yourself).

2) May I link my blog (angloam.wordpress.com) to yours?

3) You're not friggin' worthless and I think deep down you know it. Do you call yourself worthless and such merely as a way to justify doing the things you are too embarrassed to admit wanting to do? Self-pity can be a wonderful excuse, but it's all BS in the end. But I don't try to fix you; I've got enough on my hands with myself as it is!

Mike said...

OKay I just wanna say the the post from "my stomach hurts from laughing" is Lame and that person is an Idiot.

You know Buddy no one is perfect...even the people u think are ....are not....we are all who we are and our mistakes and short comings are not what should define us...and I feel nothing should....

I agree a move could be good....but also remember if people dont like u who f'ing cares...have a few good friends and ignore the rest....People that juge u are also insecure with themselves and only wanna see u fail....F#ck em

I have been in your spot and did what i just said and the funny part is after some time ....the people that judged me started to wanna hang with me and try to be my friend....u would think it would be the best revenge...but actually I didnt even notice....I was at a point where i was Just happy and the bad memories of the past....where gone....It wasnt til a friend brought it all to my attention...and made reflect on my progress... and that made me even more at peace...

Hope this helps


Spherical Time said...

Hey, it's been a while. Here's hoping that you're doing good, maybe having gotten out of the city for a while.

Again, good luck James.

frankie5467 said...

Mate, i'm with you on the move! 14 years ago i was just like you. I lived in London, recreational drugs were part of my everyday life, men were throwing themselves at me because i was never the normal gay stereotype *not that that's a bad thing* At the age of 28 i thought fuck it this place is killing me! The last straw was a supposed mate taking me to a crack house for *my birthday present* So i did a runner! I was ill all the time! so i packed my stuff up rented a car and got the fuck outta there! I moved up North got a job and never looked back! I now have my own decent house, a new car, and a partner of 10 years. I now live about an hour from London by train. Close enough to dip into the club scene occasionally, but far enough from the nasty fuckwits hell bent on ruining mine and their own lives.
My heart goes out to ya!

Move and get the help that you need!


Mao Lei said...

hi James, didn't hear your voice for quite a long time. I hope you are OK.

bruce.wayne53 said...

Hi James/Erik

Yes there is GOD and He can hear you, you always have the chance to have a happier better life and start anew.

Yes goin away from your current environment can HELP you start a new life, and yes you can always live your life as JAMES in a new image, new normal life.

No one can judge you but only the LORD can. He wants you to have a happy life, to be loved because HE loves you.

Try considering coming to NEW ZEALAND or the Philippines.

Add me up at Yahoo Messenger, lets chat there: bruce.wayne53@yahoo.com


Peter C said...

This is too funny. The solution is so obvious. Your blog complains about all the drama queens, but it sounds like you're generating a lot of your own drama. You have no one else to blame but yourself. Sorry to sound harsh, but only you can prevent forest fires.

DeVon said...

I was bored tonight and randomly searching around and stumbled onto your blog. After reading several posts I think you should know that you're a really good guy. It's very obvious and I think you are looking for someone, or something, to balance you out. Reading the posts made me remember how much I love being there for people and I was forced by my nature to say something. If you ever need a complete stranger to help out (which I do all the time) find me, or something. I think I could help.

Keep your head up.
- DeVon

jq2002 said...

Hope you read this blog's comments; 4;10am Sunday February 8,2009........y0u are 26 no more...
a big hug and a kiss, and wishes that all your dreams and aspirations come true.

Just Gay Porn said...

Happy Birthday Erick!
Our best wishes from http://justgayporn.blogspot.com

Glowing said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Glowing said...

Happy birhtday!!!








longwatcher said...


Stay in NYC! Move out to a new apartment building! Do not let you ex run you out of town. You ae a great person!


Armageddon Thru To You said...

Armageddon Thru To You

If you've been wondering why it seems like the world around us is unraveling, it's because the last days as foretold in the bible are now upon us. Just as it was 2000 years ago, many were unable to discern the signs of Jesus Christ's first coming (Mat 16:3), as will many concerning his second coming, which will occur very soon. Yes many have proclaimed a similar sentiment many times in the past, but their errors have no bearing on today other than to lull you into spiritual apathy, and that too was prophesied to occur in the last days.

If you're not a believer in Jesus Christ because you're an atheist, consider that the underlying impetus for your disbelief is most likely borne of pride and here's why:

When we die, if you as an atheist were right, then there is no upside or downside for anyone regarding the afterlife. We will all simply cease to exist

However if we Christians were right about our belief in the afterlife, then we will be given eternal life and you as an atheist will receive eternal damnation

Given the choices, the position held by an atheist is a fools bet any way you look at it because the atheist has everything to lose and nothing to gain. It is tantamount to accepting a “heads I win, tails you lose” coin toss proposition from someone. And that someone by the way is Satan (see Ephesians 6:12).

The only way to explain the attitude held by an atheist is pride, pure and simple. The intellectually dishonest and/or tortured reasoning used by atheists to try and disprove the existence of God is nothing more than attempts to posture themselves as superior (a symptom of pride). And as anyone who has read their bible knows, this is precisely the character flaw that befell Lucifer, God's formerly most high angel. (Isaiah 14:12-15). Is it any wonder then why the bible is so replete with references to pride as the cause of mankind's downfall?

Pride permeates our lives and burdens us in ways that most of us seldom recognize. Ironically, pride is the one thing that can blind someone to things even the unsighted can see. And sadly pride will blind many with an otherwise good heart, to accepting the offer of eternal salvation that Christ bought and paid for with his life.

In any event, if you're an atheist, I wish you only the best for every day of the rest of your life because for you, this life is as close to heaven as you'll ever get, but for believers in Christ, this life is as close to hell as we'll ever get.

If you're not a believer and follower of Jesus Christ because you are of another faith, please take the time to very carefully compare your faith to Christianity and ask yourself, why is the bible the only religious book with both hundreds of proven prophecies already fulfilled as well as those being fulfilled today? No other religion can claim anything remotely close to this fact. Many Christians who are serious students of bible prophecy are already aware of the role and significance of bible prophecy in foretelling end time events. God gave us prophecy as evidence of his divine holiness to know the begining from the end (Isa 46:10). God also believed prophecy to be so important that to those willing to read the most prophetic book in the bible, the Book of Revelation, he promised a special blessing (see Rev 1:3), and this is the only book in the bible that God gives its reader a special blessing for reading. Something to think about.

Don't risk losing Christ's offer of eternal life by not accepting him as your savior and by thinking that the bible is nothing more than a compilation of unrelated and scattered stories about people who lived 2,000 plus years ago. If you take the time to study (not just read) the bible, you will literally be shocked to learn things you would have never imagined would be revealed in it. Did you know that like parables, God also uses particular months and days in the Jewish calendar, Jewish Feasts and customs, solar and lunar phases, celestial alignments, gematria (Hebrew numerology) early bible events and more as patterns and models to foretell future events?

Consider the following interesting facts about the bible that testify to its God-inspired authorship:

Did you know that in Gen 12:2, God said he would bless Israel?. How else can you explain the grossly disproportionate level of success achieved by Jewish people as a tiny minority in the world, especially after all they have gone through? And how can you explain the success achieved by the tiny nation of Israel, surrounded by enemies outnumbering them 100 to 1 and yet still they remain victorious in all their wars?

Did you know that as evidence to indicate that Israel is the epicenter of the world from God's point of view is the fact that languages to the west of Israel are written and read from left to right as if pointing to Israel, and languages from countries to the east of Israel are written and read from right to left, again as though pointing to Israel. Just a coincidence, you say? I think not.

Did you know that the six days of creation and seventh day of rest in Genesis is a model for the six thousand years of this age (ending very soon), that is to be followed by a 1,000 year millennial reign by Christ (see 2 Peter 3:8)? Adam was born sometime prior to 4000 B.C., therefore our 6000 years are almost up.

Did you kow that the Gospel of Jesus Christ is hidden in the meaning of the Hebrew names listed in the genealogy of the book of Genesis (Research it online)? To deny this was God-inspired, one has to instead believe that a group of Jewish rabbis conspired to hide the Christian Gospel right inside a genealogy of their venerated Torah, which is not a very plausible explanation.

Did you know that solar eclipses, which the bible describes as the sun being black as sackcloth, and lunar eclipses, which the bible refers to as blood red moons, have prophetic meaning? Research it online. God showed Adam (and us) his plan for man's redemption through the use of celestial alignments. (research Mazzaroth online)

Did you know that much of the symbolism in the book of revelation refers to planetary alignments that will occur when certain events occur as prophesied? These planetary alignments also explained the birth of Christ, just search out The Bethlehem Star movie on the Internet.

Did you know that the references in Eze 39:4-17 and Rev 19:17-21 in the battle of Gog/Magog and Armageddon respectively, in which birds of prey will eat the flesh of the dead in battle from two enormous wars is based on fact? The largest bird migration in the world consisting of bilions of birds (34 species of raptors and various carrion birds) from several continents converge and fly over Israel every spring and fall. Coincidence? I think not.

Did you know that Hebrew numerology, also known as Gematria, and the numbers with biblical and prophetic significance are hidden in the Star of David? Google the video called "Seal of Jesus Christ"

Did you know that the seven Churches mentioned at the beginning of the Book of Revelation describe the seven stages the Church will go through?

There are literally hundreds of hidden messages in the bible like these that testify to the fact that the bible was God inspired, and statistically speaking, are all exponentially beyond the likelihood of any coincidence. You can find them yourselves if you only take the time to look into it. Remember Proverbs 25:2 "It is the glory of God to conceal a matter; to search out a matter is the glory of kings".

And finally, if you are Catholic, or one who subscribes to the emergent Church or seeker-friendly Church movement, please compare the doctrine taught, advocated or accepted by your Church, with the actual bible, notwithstanding some new-age version of the bible. And remember that although the bible is often referred to as the living bible, the word "living" was never intended to imply in any way that the bible "evolves" over time to meet, or be consistent with, the standards of man. It's just the opposite.

Well, am I getting through to you? If not, the answer might be explained in the response given by Jesus Christ in his Olivet discourse when he was asked by his disciples why he spoke the way he did (in parables, etc.) in the book of Matthew 13:10-16. What Jesus said could have easily been paraphrased more clearly as "so that the damned won't get it". Why did Christ respond the way he did when asked why he spoke this way? Is there something about pride (the bible says there is) that closes one's heart to seeing or hearing the messages supernaturally hidden in bible parables, models, typologies, and similes, etc.? That should give you something to think about, but don't take too long. Time is now very short.

If it sometimes seems like there are powers at work behind the powers we know, remember what it says in Ephesians 6:12 "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms." If you study the bible, it will become clearer.

And by the way, if you are a scoffer, this too was prophesied to occur in the last days. See 2 Peter 3:3.

Thank you and God Bless you!
Armageddon.thru.to.you (at) gmail.com

T. said...

Hope you have a great day today, and I hope everything is starting to fall in place for you. All the best and have a very Happy Birthday James!


remipau said...

Hi James !

French guy here who likes to read your blog. Hope you're doing ok even if sometimes life seems hard on you. I hope you'll be fine and you'll be able to deal with your issues.
It's great to learn how to know you with this blog. You seem to be a really good guy with a big heart.
I'm a photographer maybe one day our paths will cross.
See you and take care.
I'm sending all my love. Remi

remipau said...

Yeah and Happy Birthday !!! I can believe you're only two years older than me.
We are both still young and have to find our place in this world.
Sometimes it can be hard. I know that too.

DeVon C said...

Happy birthday!!

James said...

hey its JC from diesel. i came across your blog...i googled you...i know im a dope. you dont need a doctor what the fuck is this guy below talking about?? Jesus. ok.....so game plan. You, Me and coffee....soon. e mail me. jcpowers86@gmail.com good to see you last night and HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Dillon Buck said...

Hey sexy fella

You are definitely loved, so don’t feel you aren’t!

I have just returned from a couple months in warmer climates and believe me it does have a positive effect on you. Just seems to revitalise and re-energise you. I can highly recommend South Africa. Have to drag you along next time for some sun, sea, surf ... oh and sexy men!

Hang in there big guy.


Dillon ;-) xx

Fr. Marty Kurylowicz said...

Medication prescribed by a psychiatrist tends to be more successful when combined with some kind to regular psychotherapy treatment.

Do not play with your life, even if others have mistreated you, you do not have to continue that kind mistreatment of yourself. From the comments I have read here people seem to value you as someone worth caring about and wanting you to get the help you need. This expression of the human spirit, from some rather wonderful people in the world is most impressive and reassuring!!!

Not getting the help you need is unfortunately a way to get back at people who have mistreated you and they win again. I am not saying that it is easy to change this kind of behavior for anyone. Because when we have not been loved enough in the past, it is hard to believe in love, to risk trusting again or even wanting to get near it. Sounds like 115 people are trying to tell you that you are not alone.

With all best wishes,

b.L.E said...

hi, i'm not fan or something like this even if i know you. i don't really know you cause i only know your movies. i always been curious about what can be porn star's life. now that i found your blog i don't feel satisfy but i'm worring about you.
first of all i'm sorry for my mystakes because i'm french. now let me speak my mind. i want you to remember that no matter what people can think about you you are the only one to know what you are. so you deserve respect, love and esteem. i read people adviced you to go and away inside united state. but why don't you really take a break outside from USA. i mean paris, berlin, italia... go and have a real break then it would be good to be back.
one more thing is that you need someone to talk. just talk... and nothing more.
so take care of yourself and if you want to come to paris just to have good time or just if you wish to talk a while to someone who will not juge you... apply for my mail landryworld@gmail.com

me said...

first of all, happy birthday, better late than never right
i am writing you from southamerica
a tiny but big country

let me say that you surprised me with that writing... don't know why i thought that a person with your job could not be that... "poetic"?? huge mistake i thought, i apologize
seems like you are havin some trouble, well it is nothing new that we ALL have problems, even those who you mention on your "article", it's just that sometimes some are easier to solve than others or maybe we can see it more easiy than others... just remember one thing, YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY ONE WITH PROBLEMS, WE ALL HAVE THEM. luckily that word "help" always is useful..
i can say that i am something like bipolar for putting it in one way.. one moment i am laughing and smiling and then i am quiet, in silence and sometimes i start crying. been there and it is not nice, not at all
i think we could have a constructive chat, please think about it. "... between depressives there is understanding"
here is my mail maailme11@gmail.com
kisses erik

pd: sorry if i have mistakes on my writing, in my country we don't speak english

Dean Grey said...

I stumbled upon your blog and after reading this post wanted to reply.

I've suffered from depression almost my entire life, from a child to an adult. Correction, I still do suffer from depression.

Sorry, I only went back and read just a couple of your past posts, but they all have the same theme behind them. You've definitely got issues but that's okay....we all do.

Obviously, none of us have the same background but we can still relate.

I too have my "I'm so worthless moments", the suicidal thoughts, and always wonder will things ever get better.

I wish I could be of more help but if I had the answers I wouldn't be messed up and confused myself.

But I can give you two very solid pieces of advice that do get me through the rough times.

First, realize that it's not what life throws at you that makes you who you are but rather how you handle what comes your way.

It's how you choose to deal with your problems that shows your true character. Always remember that for it puts the power and control back in YOUR hands and not in the things bombarding you.

The second thing was actually mentioned by another poster here.

You're getting too caught up in your problems, your issues, and all things related to YOU.

You need to get outside of yourself and try focusing on something else. Another poster suggested charity work and I wholeheartedly agree.

When you volunteer your time at an organization for the sole purpose of giving without receiving it makes you less selfish and gives you a feeling of connectedness with something bigger than yourself.

These two things always get me through rough patches and hopefully they will do the same for you too.

And lastly, don't ever feel bad or embarrassed for posting your feelings on your blog. Our problems are what make us human and sharing them is what keeps us open.

Take care and the best of luck to you!


me said...

hi erik?
how are things going?
hope that better

two advices: don't wait until something bad happens, if you think that you have a problem, get up and do something, don't wait until the problem "explotes".. find alternatives to solve it like be rounded with a nice group of people, contact a therapist, etc.. i honestly think that medication isn't the best alternative, but that is just my opinion.
another possibility would be getting involved in activities that keep your mind busy, like sports, or something else, that way you won't think that much on your problems ... your mind will be busy...
the other advice is: if you want to move and escape from certain type of things, how about taking vacations? it will not be a total "escape" but i can assure you that it will purify your mind and soul, you will be much more relaxed and calm... i repeat, your mind will be busy on another thing (vacations on this case) and won't be always on the "same page".. i know a beautiful and great place to go, it is far from NYC and has beautiful places, a totally different type of people and much more. i think you can't lose anything right? in fact, you will definitely win something.. a little of peace
think about it
kisses and hugs


drgdeath6 said...

well man i'm in the same boat as you. i've been dealing with just about the same stuff except for the porn part lol. but yeah i've held on and can't anymore, but if you find something that work please feel free to express what it is. and i'm sure there are more like us out there.

Dimitar said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Dimitar said...

You are some piece of work. No seriously. You are naked in every sense imaginable, and yet you are still a mystery to yourself. Or so you write. You do not account for your actions, you just explain them. Yet I am fascinated with you. The moment I saw your face I thought that there was more to you than what was in the movie. I saw a man. Now I found your blog, started reading it. WOW man. If you've truly been through so much...
I can relate. But still, you don't seem to know what is wrong with you. I don't want to sound like a shrink, cause I'm not, but you really seem to be looking for the problem, and the solution in a rather western and pragmatical matter, you are American after all. Yet I would like to suggest that you cut the medication crap you are thinking about. Bipolar, seriously, you do not want to go there. The stuff they put in those drugs does not cure anything. It’s the mind man. Pills cannot ever fix it like they can fix a headache or diarrhoea.
First of all, getting the hell out of New York is not a bad idea. Been there, I was just a kid but I got the sense of the city. Didn't like it, nothing romantic or poetic about it. Too cold. Sun. You need sun. Everyone does. Move out if you wish, however, visit the place you ant to make home first. Make sure it’s what you want. Because after all, home does not move, or change. Its the one thing that stays constant and supports you. That’s your place.
Second of all, find you passion. I went through the songs at your blog, and again I am fascinated. Although, there is a rather morbid and depressed feeling to the playlist, all of the songs are pretty good. I am guessing you like to dance. If you do, f****n dance. For yourself, for no one else. Dance till you fell it, the thing that moves through your spine and makes your neck tingle. The thing that makes you close your eyes and utterly forget about time and problems and work and... everything. If you don't like dancing, find whatever it is that gives you the feeling. You need it, because you seem to be a thinking and sensitive person.
I really am sorry, if I was inconsistent with my writing, jumping from one thing through another. I was being emotional, and I really wanted you to know, that whatever feeling for worthlessness you got, it’s really unjustified, because for what it's worth, you got me thinking about you.
I wish you all the best, I hope you read this. There is a song by Rachael Yamagata called " I wish you love" - that’s my late Christmas present for you - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jAhoIiI1GKY (goes very well with red wine, btw).
I wish you love.

Martha's Prodigy said...

move to Austin, definitely a relaxed place to be in

pascoe said...

James - i may have been drunk when i commented the other day. if i even did. ironic since im studying here in Australia to be a social worker. anywho, i hope that you have people around you to talk to and that you can realise the fabulous-ness-ness that is you underneath it all. fuck what people say, fuck altered states of consciousness, just go with your gut and your heart. amen

Thrashed to Bleedypuss said...

Dude, dude, dude!! You have to seriously start loving yourself and boy, do I know what you’re talking about. I’m 26 and a couple of years ago I felt exactly like you did. I think you’re just internalizing all the negative energy you get from other people – read nasty mean queens. They’re all jealous cause they’re not owning up to their sexual identity. Porn isn’t sleazy. What are they telling you? Go be an economist? Wow, like that is Mother Theresa fare. You are doing a good thing. I had a pretty good time accepting my homosexuality because of gay porn studs. And yes there’s a lot of shit happening in that business and you probably know for yourself and wouldn’t want to be lectured, but dude gay people generally get a good kick from porn. Look forward. Once you’re in your thirties you’ll realize it’s only beginning (and I’m 26, but I’m glad I’m here because 20-25 was inferno galore)


Marcel Duvoix said...

Dear Erik,
Some of the resolutions to your conflicting mind and life, seems to be mostly answered, by a lot of the readers of your blog.

I wish for you, to in your own time, (but not too late though), to find a manageable balance in your life, where you can just enjoy being 'you' irregardless of what may be going on around you; or what others may be saying about you or not.

My best of thoughts as always, are with you. Hugs, Sincerely, HRM King Marcel Duvoix (Author of the book: "Holy Legacy.")