I've been wanting to write a blog for a couple days now, but i have had some much shit swimming through my head that i can't exactly focus myself.
My up's and downs have been extreme lately and have consisted of mainly, me screaming at my boyfriend since I'm having a hard time understanding him and then when I'm not looking to fight about something stupid, me wanting to cry about how worthless i feel and how much i don't feel loved by anyone. There hasn't been much in between lately, well, i take that back, the times i am somewhat content seems very short lived before I'm freaking out about the next thing. I keep telling myself to "just let the simple things go, normal people don't obsess like this and the ones that do are medicated", which has me looking to restart taking some sort of anti-depressant, anti- anxiety, shit maybe even some bi-polar medication. I'm just fed up feeling like this. I'm starting to think if i just make myself into a zombie and not care about anything, it will be alot easier than being so stressed out over bullshit.
But that is gonna be my last attempt, and if nothing changes, I'm gonna leave NYC and move my ass into the sun. I mean this city has been sucking the life out of me, for sometime, but it been manageable, now with this new relationship, its once again become unbearable. Then i still live in the same building with my ex' to have his tricks by-accidentally come knocking at my door looking for him and whatever sex party he is throwing, its like i have had enough. I'm tired of this drama filled city. Yeah i know its the same almost everywhere, faggots = drama, i understand that, but at least it will be like starting fresh. I can leave NYC and leave all my baggage and hopefully start new where people, yeah i guess will still see me a trashy porn star, but at least i can build a reputation fighting against the stereotypes. I lost the battle here in NYC, maybe it can be different somewhere else, maybe i can be happy.