Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Bitter Again

So i apologize that my blog has taken a backseat to my relationship, but right now that's alot more important to me.

I have also begun to notice that the more i put out there the more these faggots will use against you and back stab you. Granted i have had alot more people approaching me lately about the blog and thanking me for putting it out there, telling me "thanks" for letting them know they're not alone, and trust me that makes it all worth it but then i get these leeches that use everything i say as an opportunity for there own selfish bullshit.
You know, its just not readers of this blog, i honestly believe it all faggots as a whole. Once you open yourself up to someone, thinking someone a friend, that when you find that they just are listening to you for there own selfish reasons. They don't care about you, they just care what they can get out of you.
I had been confiding in a friend or what i thought was a friend on a regular basis, about everything in my life including the troubles in my current relationship. I had even said that it was over between me and my current BF. Only to have this "friend" the same day, email what he thought was my ex a rude sexual comment. If this motherfucking friend knew anything about me and paid attention to anything i have ever say about any relationship i have ever been in, my relationships are never over when i think or maybe say they are, i might get pissed and think its what i want, but in reality i just need to cool down and then i just wanna be back with that guy. If this "friend" listened to me or this blog, he would know this, but like most fags just saw an opportunity for himself and went for it. It makes me sick.
This is New York City, there is more than enough faggots to hit on that you don't need to be stepping on my toes and throwing yourself at my bf or ex bf, if your my friend. Where is the fucking respect? I would NEVER touch one of my friends ex's and if i do, then i am defiantly not your friend.
Now and once again, I'm bitter. I don't have many friends and for exactly this reason. No one has respect for anyone in this community, and its disgusting. Its like, what is the point? As soon as your happy, everyone wants to destroy your happiness or leech off you. When your down, they just wanna kick you until your dirt. There is no in-between, there is no happy medium. Just one non-stop ugly cycle that gets worse and worse as you get older and older.
I'm just over the whole gay lifestyle... it goes nowhere. At least in the straight world, there is procreation and a point to go on. This gay world, it all about fucking and materialist bullshit, i would give it up in a heart beat if i could. This isn't life.
I was just thinking the other day as i did my typical routine, "jesus, this doesnt feel like living" and i thought to myself when in my life did i feel more alive? and it was when i woke up in hospital bed after OD'ing. I guess that why i been so obcessed with autoerotic asphyxia lately, when your life feels so meaningless at times, you need to wake yourself up and let you know your alive.


C.P.L said...

Please do not generalize about the gay population. I read your blog and I have always been in your corner to succeed and be happy. Don't you think that the people you meet and that you surround yourself with are the problem? It is obvious that you need to move from the area you live in...or even city and/or state. Perhaps that is all you know is the DRAMA of the gay world and basically kinda liked it and now you are over it.

Therefore, if you are really and truly over it.....you will make the difficult changes in your life that must be done in order to be on the path that will ultimately make you happy. Until that time, things will not change for you.

bobbywhispers said...

That sucks about your friend. I had a "best friend" do the same thing to me once.

iabe said...

I can't decide whether this is a cry for help or more of your eveyone sux but me spiel.

If you confide in a friend and they betrayed you...sure they suck but so do you for not being sure this person was your friend before dumping all your personal problems in their lap.

You strike me as an oversharer and there are times when you will say thing to people in the heat of the moment that you may not mean. Sure they shouldn't act on what you sy but you also need to learn a little restraint and some better judgement when picking friends. Better yet, stop dumping your relationship problems in other peoples laps and start working on them directly with...I don't know...YOUR BOYFRIEND.

It really is beyond time for you to take responsibility for your own life and stop acting like a fucking victim all the time.

Oh and if the only time you feel alive is after you od'ed or when you autoerotic asphyxia-ate then I think issues with other people are really the least of your problems.

william said...

You kind of buried the lede. The autoerotic asphyxiation thing has got to stop. Also your friend is a total creep. You just need new friends. I am sure there is an upstanding gay or two in the greater manhattan area. How did you handle things with the (ex-) friend? Did you confront him?

Jeremy Feist said...

Aw, what the fuck. For serious? That's total bullshit. No matter what your relationship is right now, that was a total dick move. You'd probably be justified in breaking his kneecaps. Just saying.

Although the self-choking? There are only so many ways that can turn out, few of them good. There are probably better ways to pull that off.

Adam Sank said...

James, this post reveals more about you than perhaps any of your previous ramblings. You truly are the quintessential self-hating "faggot."

(And I quotate "faggot" because it's a truly ugly word -- like "nigger" -- that should be left on the trash-heap of history and forgotten.)

The problem is not the gay community which, contrary to your belief, is not some monolithic thing. There is as much diversity among gay people as there is among straights.

The problem is that you're a total mess who associates only with other total messes and then wonders why everything is so messy.

Or, to use an old cliche: Lie down with dogs, get up with fleas.

You have the power to affect your life -- you and only you. All these external things you point to -- the "faggots," the bad relationships, the people in your life who routinely screw you over -- you create them and allow them to exist.

When oh when will you grow the fuck up, look in the mirror and stop the insanity?

Erik Rhodes said...

Of course i said something to him. I told him expected more from him. I'm sure alot of people get confused since i do porn that maybe saying all this sexual shit to me and the people around me is cool. Its fucking NOT! My BF is not a porn star and doesnt need the gross side of my job effecting him as well. Its bad enough that people treat me like my whole word is some 24/7 sex party.
I think my Bf really kinda brought that to my attention. We actually had some of the same friends before meeting and finding out how they would interact with me versus the way the would be around him are extremely differnt. He would get the part of the person that wants to impresss someone. I get the part of the person that is a whore bag slut that ask you if you want a blowjob in the bathroom of the club.
I'm not sure where i'm going with this...

Erik Rhodes said...

Oh well, thanks Adam for kick my brain back on. I never asked for the ugly underbelly of the gay community to be so forthcoming with me. I just got into porn for the money but instead i got a glimpse into how ugly this community really is. Yeah, there is alot of different fags out there, but what i have come to realize is that everyone, as perfect as they might portray themselves have there ugly secrets. Its pathetic pushovers like you that take everyone face value. I will not be so stupid.

Matty said...

Angelbaby how do you get "autoerotic asphyxia" but eff up your/you're and their/there/they're every goddam time? Go 2 skool, bick!!! XO

Adam Sank said...

I've been called many things in my life, but "pathetic pushover" is not one of them.

Take everyone at face value? Not at all. I, too, have been burnt and hurt and stepped on. That's what it means to be human.

The point is not to love and trust everyone you meet, you big dumb horse. The point is to be the healthiest person you can be and seek out others who are doing the same.

When you start treating yourself better, you'll find that it's contagious among the people in your life.

SirPercy said...

hey bud, not going to comment on the whole "gay community" thing because i'm not really part of it. i agree with you, everyone is a dirty scumbag (gay or not) deep down, and niceness is just s social convention. there are some people, though, that can get past their own selfish stupidity and really love someone. it's rare, bud. but it's farking beautiful.

in re: to autoerotic asphyxiation... you were very brave to even bring that up. it's dangerous, which is why you love it. you never know when you go under if you're going to come out ok in the end, and when you do, it's such a huge rush of relief, like rebirthing.

let me just say this: if you were to die, you'd be hurting a lot of people around you. i've read your blog long enough to know there's a big teddy bear inside you that is loving and caring. you don't want to do that to people, no matter how much you say you hate them or despise them. please don't leave us, james. (i feel wrong calling you by your real name. i don't really know you, and don't want to act like i do.) you're a brilliant person, and there's not a spare clone of you laying around.

try bungee jumping or somthing. it's pretty scary, like jumping off a bridge, just without the splat at the end.

Darrell Harvey said...

So I actually have a few things to say. First, C.P.L, most people only know drama in their lives. Drama is everywhere, and it really isn't something that most people go searching for. But do you think suggesting something like moving from the area he lives in is the best choice to get away from it. If I know anything in live its that you can't just up and run when things do go your way. Say he moves from new york and the drama follows, is he excepted to move constantly. That isn't much of a life.

Iabe, common like get serious, everyone has someone in their life that they confide in other then their significant other. And as for the oversharer comment, its his own personal blog, he didnt force you to read "his cries for help".

iabe said...

Reads like more self loathing on your part more than anything. Every insult you hurl at the gay community just sounds like sour grapes. If they treated you with respect and tried to impress you, you would singing a different tune. Instead, every time someone does something you did like or appreciate you get back on your soap box and hold your finger out at all gay people and piss and moan.

You did porn. You escort(ed). You started this blog and shared all the dirty sorted parts of your life and now you recoil because people treat as the persona rather than the person.

I feel for you because you like so many people in this world deserve better. You deserve to be happy nd fulfilled in your life and to happy with your man, but the only thing standing in the way of that is you. If you are constantly concerned with what others are doing you stop living your life for you and you start living it for them.

I have read this blog for a year and while you have had you ups and downs it is all really a variation on a theme "poor me".

iabe said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
edmcan said...

Okay, I'm torn here. I've had a lot of bad experiences with gay 'friends' too. Generally, I don't get along with gay men; we have little in common except for the sex thing. I'd drop that fucker so fast, his little head would spin. That, is no friend. I have no advice here-we all long to have someone to confide in and, after being burned several times, I confide in me. I've been around a lot longer than you and have been burned time and time again. "Look for better friends" is preposterous. Rather, don't be so easy to trust.

Yet, I know that good people do exist because I am one of them. The eternal question is where are we?

edmcan said...

Oh yeah... auto eroticism...? Are you so jaded that you have to do something that is so dangerous just to cum?

I have an idea- why don't you try fucking on a bed of nails? Pain/pleasure - think about it...

I think it has more to do with self-loathing than anything else. Did you go back to your therapist yet?

Spherical Time said...

What can we do? The people that will backstab you will backstab you and those who won't, won't.

Can we do anything to make your life better?

my stomach hurts from laughing said...

"my relationships are never over when i think or maybe say they are, i might get pissed and think its what i want, but in reality i just need to cool down and then i just wanna be back with that guy."

AHAHAHA, listen to yourself... for reals man.

This blog is a fuckin joke. Helping people? Really "James"?
Fuckin whatever.

You are way too much of a self inflicted victim to continue this blog as a way of helping others.

Poor me, poor me, drugs, drugs, fuck them, poor me, drugs, drugs, fuck them.

Seriously, have you ever read any of your blogs?

my stomach hurts from laughing said...

"my relationships are never over when i think or maybe say they are, i might get pissed and think its what i want, but in reality i just need to cool down and then i just wanna be back with that guy."

AHAHAHA, listen to yourself... for reals man.

This blog is a fuckin joke. Helping people? Really "James"?
Fuckin whatever.

You are way too much of a self inflicted victim to continue this blog as a way of helping others. Where have you ever offered the resources to "your readers" to get any sort of practical help for mental illness/depression/drug addiction?

Poor me, poor me, drugs, drugs, fuck them, poor me, drugs, drugs, fuck them.

Seriously, have you ever read any of your blogs?

You should be focusing your creative juices towards doing standup.

jq2002 said...

James, no comments on your blog and answers to comments .

Only thing I want to say is I hope you stop the stupid practice of erotic-asphixation.
you have two parents two sisters and a brother who must love you despite everything you may have done(or think you may have)
Do they deserve the pain of getting a phone call or seeing the news of a paper that you are dead because a sick game went too far?
Please, no drugs and twisted way to get high.
You say you want to be considered a NORMAL gay guy, so act like one, not for the gay comunity, not for your friends or fans, but for yourself and your family.
Stop being Erik Rhodes and be james, put your heart and intelligence to that.
Anyway, I know my words wil not change anything, so I will stop here.
Remember I am a good listener if you want to write or talk.
A big Hug, big boy.

SirPercy said...

I know I posted before, but read this, it's important.

Ignore everything, especially people who write stupid, hateful things. "Never mind what the haters say/Ignore 'em 'til they fade away." Why they even take the time to throw hatred your way is beyond me. No one is forcing them to read your thoughts. They're like little school yard bullies, jeering at the kid who's down because it somehow makes them feel validated.

We're all messed up, bud. I know that is in no way helpful, but trust me, it's helpful to see someone wear their demons on the outside, someone who is honest enough to admit his own failures and screw ups. Most of us hide skeletons so people will like us. You don't. I'm not sure if it's becaue you don't care if people like you, or if you are crying out for help, trying to help others, or feel that if people can't love you for who you are, good or bad, they don't really love you. Even if you feel alone, trust me, you're not. I may not have the same problems you do, but I'm no less human, and neither are the people around you reaching out to you. And you are very human, man. The things you write about are very raw, open, on the edge, and yet common to all of us.

This is embarrassing to admit, but I think you need to hear it. I thought about you today, just studying at my buddy's house, and everything about you just hit me all at once. I cried for you, James. I never cry, for anything or anyone. But I cried for you.

Please, please, please be ok. I don't know if this is what you want to hear, or need to hear, or if I'm feeding into some narcissistic tendency of yours, but at this point I don't care. I care about you and love you. You just have to trust me on that one. I know I don't know you, and you don't think people really can care without being selfish, but you're wrong. There is no reason someone can't love you just because you exist, just because you are, no matter how screwed up.

Listen, I know you don't write this blog so that you can get the advice of the blogger world. I don't want to tell you how to live your life or imply that you don't know how, but I can see you're unhappy, miserable even. Find a way out, James. You don't want to trust people or confide in them anymore, and you have no reason to believe people who tell you they "just want to help you." (In fact, most of the time you should RUN from those kinds of people. Damn leeches...) All I'm saying is if it's a change of scenery, a change of lifestyle, a change of habits, drinking more water, taking medicine, or going to a therapist like some people have mentioned, DO IT. Whatever it takes to bring you out of your darkness and back to a place of happiness (which I hope you have known happiness at some point in your life, even if the last time you felt truly happy was before you went into porn), I hope you'll find the way to do it.

I don't care what people say about my comment. It is what it is. I've posted my e-mail before if you care to contact me, but I see no reason for you to do so. (I would love to be your friend, but I'd love to be friends with pretty much 90% of the planet's populace. You do fascinate me, though.) I won't be that guy who offers to help for whatever reason, when in reality I probably can't.

Be blessed, James.

And Bruno sounds like a good friend.


man.. my roomate is happy massage gay athletic dude. he rocks, keeps me on schedule, has fun without take home, and we just chill, eat good food, go to the gym and work. its pretty rad.

totally changed my life. i mean i had some good assets before, but now im just shining because its all on me. even input, my roomate puts down more than he puts up, but i respect that.

be who ever you are, as you are, whenever you can. i think thats what im taking from actually looking at what you, i, or anyone transitioning from an old pathetic life to something much greater.
just find a level of maintenance, or a schedule, and thats it. everything else is something else, but that doesnt come abck into the home.
besides this bitch of a roomate. she ate like half my loaf of bread, used up all my cellphone minutes, her cat pissed on my pillow, so now i have blankets and towels.
theres a steve aoki set on my blog you might like. lots of 2008 indie dance tracks.
there was a proxy mix and such too.


Marc said...

James, I'm sorry that you're finding your way to the nasty underbelly of the gay community. We've got our share of incredibly unhappy people who seem to find no other way to feel better than to try to put other people down. Then again, that's true of the rest of the world. At the same time it's nothing personal -- if they knew how to feel better they would, in the same way you're still in the process of finding your own way.

That said, drama attracts drama. Life doesn't have to be a rollercoaster and there are people out there who aren't going to use you or try to knock you down. But there's just no way around it -- you'll find your way back to the people who treat you like shit until you start treating yourself better.

Honestly, I had my period where a bunch of people in my life went over the edge and would either steal from me, lie to me, have major crystal issues, and usually a combination of the above. It sucked but it was as much about me as it was about them.

You've never been alone in going through this, James, whether it's people who are as deep in it as you are, or those of us who have experienced some form of what you're going through. Things will get better and you deserve it, but you've got to be willing to treat yourself better before they do.

None of us is perfect, but we're all in this together.

Tommy said...

I want out of the gay world too. Often I realize the same ugliness of this community that you have. It's then that I think being gay isn't natural and just a deep perversion of the mind. There is nothing you can say that won't convince me homosexuality is the last step before looney-toon city. I hate being gay.

mascdudewriter said...

Just get rid of the blog. You're giving the fags in the "community" material to attack you and make you miserable just because they're jealous of the life they think you're living. Not worth your time.

william said...

Re: your comment--your bf's observation is interesting. That's kind of a unique situation to be in. Think of how revealing it can be to have someone meet each of you and treat you both with the same respect/appreciation. You can compare notes and discover which of your friends are genuine and which are after a bathroom bj (to use your example). Being treated differently must suck for self-esteem. I get your point.

nycguy said...

Careful with the asphyxia, many people have died from that on accident. Getting yourself close to death shouldn't be the only way to appreciate life.
That's like saying the only way to appreciate being beautiful is wear a fat suit for a day or something, i know you're not that dumb.

Mustafa said...

Hello James,
This is the first time I comment on any of your blogs though I have been an avid reader for God-knows-how-long. I'll just say what I want to say as simply and straightforwardly as possible. I have experienced all what you went through except for the drugs part. I can strongly relate to the false friendship story and the time when you felt all gays are backstabbing selfish double-standard in their own sly twisted opportunistic ways. There were times when I loathed and hurt myself beyond repair. I was unfortunate when it came to choosing friends. But then I thought to myself one day,'This bullshit has got to stop'. And believe me, first thing in the morning, I grabbed my car keys and took a drive to another city. I didn't tell anyone. I just disappeared. I needed time for myself. I needed time to know what I really wanted out of this loop hole of existence we call "life". I ended up at my sister's house. She was shocked to see me. I'm not a family guy. I hate family visits and family outings. My sister had a baby girl a while back. I swear the moment I held my niece I almost collapsed inside. She made me feel i wanted to swim back to the surface and take a breath of what makes this life worth-living. I felt redeemed and kicked back to life. I cried and kept holding her almost all day.

So, the morale is 'GET AWAY' and find yourself. Find beauty in simple things. Be wise. If you want to be happy, just be. BTW, it's true that the only thing you can depend on at times of despair and excruciating pain, is your family no matter how much you hate them.

Erik Rhodes said...

I have considered many times just picking up and leaving. I think the only thing that keeps me here most the time is My twin brother. He really is all the support i have and the only person that makes me feel somewhat normal. But i was actually thinking about it last night, i could use the freedom. I could use the change in atmosphere.

Erik Rhodes said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
edmcan said...

so, what are you waiting for???

Mustafa said...

You deserve to be free or at least feel it in your bones somehow. Regardless of all the wrongs you did in your life, bad choices, heartaches, sleepless nights, harsh criticism, aimless paths, you deserve to be happy. Everyone deserves it. Everyone needs a second chance to breathe. You owe it to yourself. Breathe because you need to feel it. You need to feel alive and free, not just for a basic survival instinct. Have faith in yourself. There were endless times I thought I had nothing, nothing to offer, nothing to do. There were moments of emptiness. Hours wasted. After all the pain i inflicted upon myself and those who loved me, I started listening to the voice within that I had always muted. I can pull it through. I can make it. That's when I felt electricity running at the length of my spine. And that's when I got up on my feet again. I am not a victim anymore. I'm not a victim of the people's prejudices nor am i a victim of my own negativity. I will no longer live up to people's expectations. I'll make a promise to myself. A promise I'll be man enough not to break. I'll make a plan. I'll challenge myself and see where that'll lead me. However, as untrustworthy as life can be, things can get hard and it seems easier to give up than to move on, just remember that nothing is worth your tears. You're very valuable. You're very special. And incredibly brave. And always and always remember there's always light after the storm. There has to be something/someone out there to guide you. Ironically, this is how life functions. It sends you to the darkest places but then out of the blue you find yourself back to the surface. Nothing stays the same forever. You've had enough bullshit in your life. The future is brighter, trust me. Something/someone will show up. It could be as small as a thought or as big as a warm friendly hug. And then and only you will be grateful to yourself and you will know how precious you are to yourself.

Start anew. Turn a new leaf. Reconsider your priorities. Build something bigger than yourself. Have faith. Embrace yourself. Love yourself.

A warm friendly hug

Alfonzo said...

You know I've been in the same situation where I've just broken up with someone and my friends say something fucked up about my ex. They're not trying to put down my ex, but trying to make me feel better. Even though what they're doing isn't honorable, the result they're trying to attain is.
I doubt you're looking for advice, but here's my opinion:
Sometime your friends say dumb ass shit because they think they're helping. Instead of getting pissed off at them for "using that against you," perhaps it would be wise to consider that fact the this friend was trying to make you feel a little bit better about the situation.
It's kind of like fucking someone else when you and your boyfriend are in a break-up. It can't be used again you (or them in this case).
You know, there are many situations where I see your point of view, but in this one you've lost me.
Perhaps you can give your friend a little insight into yourself and let him know you don't appreciate that shit.
Friendships, much like relationships, require a lot of communication, understanding, compromise and forgiveness. Much more of the forgiveness part than anything.

Spherical Time said...

Seriously though, if there is anything that we can do, let us know.

Not everyone here is a jerk. There must be people out there that are nice guys.

Spherical Time said...

Toward "Tommy":

The problem is that there are lots of completely straight people that are lots more crazy than Looney Tunes and there are gay people that lead very stable, normal lives.

I don't think there is anything intrinsically unnatural about being gay. It's not the way most people are, but it is the way I am.

ONE-TWO said...

Dude - I hope you find the courage to save yourself from your own nightmare. I don't believe in God - my parents made sure of that, but I think the universe can show us how to save ourselves. People suck man, thats life - fact is that we're all people who NEED people so we're going to get hurt sometimes.

You gave me the time of day last year when I was still in the closet with my family. It meant everything to me because you seemed so fearless and I wanted to have the same strength you wear on the outside. I came out to my family last Jan and it was hell, but it gave me the courage to get away from the people that bring me down. Everything about my health and life has changed for the better since leaving and although I lost my family, I gained myself.

I don't have hardly any gay friends because I'm a starving uncool artist, but at least I have myself. So I have to ask you guy, do you have yourself? If you can love the guy looking back in the mirror then you'll never be alone. Stop looking for people to fill that big YOU shaped hole on the inside. Love yourself, fuck the haters, and keep on breathing. You inspire me just by being honest and thats something.


Erik Rhodes said...

I need to get out of here. This city is killing me. I lost the spark i had for it and now i just want out.
I'm still young, i need to experience more before, i blow my brains out cuz this city has killed my heart

Spherical Time said...

Well, do you have family that you could go stay with for a while? Friends?

If you want to get out, then go somewhere. I'm worried that you won't find any place that makes you happy until you have a place that you actually want to go.

My heart goes out to you, dude.

Allen said...


We all have our issues! Get past the fear and love yourself!

Here's a YouTube link, Eric seems to have a lot of great insight.


I think he's in the same city as you.

All the best to you!

--- said...

"Row, Row, Row your boat. Gently down the stream. Merrily, Merrily, MERRILY... Life is but a DREAM."

i say... fuck 'em alll

but then again...

who am i...

(think bout it, what a hell-of-a 40th comment the other blog bitches can rot)

Comicsfan said...

Yours certainly isn't the first time I've heard someone backhand the "gay world" as materialistic and backstabbing, and to an extent I agree with you. I'd only add that such "friends" exist in all walks of life--and we all have to be careful who we strike up friendships with, whatever their orientation. I can probably count the number of "real" friends I have on the fingers of one hand--and given some of the people I've crossed paths with, I'm pretty happy with that tally! :)

Just sharpen your instincts a little. Once you do, it's not that difficult to steer clear of the shits out there.

Andy said...

You need a friend guy. I mean a real friend that you can confide in without fearing what you say will be used against you. Turned and twisted to make you look bad. Find that friend fella. You need to be able to call someone up and say, "let's go get a cup of coffee" (or whatever)and then be able to talk and talk and talk until you are drained of all those negative thoughts and then that friend says to you "I love you and care about you". Only then will you be able to feel wanted and loved. But to be loved you've got to be willing to love. REAL love.
You worry me with some of the things you say abot OD'ing, asphyxia, etc. What do you say?

SirPercy said...

i agree with andy. i have friends like that. i need them so badly sometimes. we all do.

i can get you out of the city at some point, just let me know.

Brian said...

Yeah...you need a vacation, just to get away for a while. Being in the same scene for a while can get annoying. Head on over to Michigan for a while :)

Spherical Time said...

I've offered before, but if you just want to have lunch some time, let me know.

Whatever you want to talk about or vent about, I'm a pretty good listener.

I live downtown, and I'm available except the next couple of saturdays, when I'm probably moving to Boston.

There's an email link in my profile.

Francisco said...

Hey man, well said, there is so much trash in this "community" , it's sooo hard to find a real friend, and usually we got confused because of our need to not be alone, to be understood. And then we just find people who only wants to take advantage of us in many ways, and that's me talking that I'm nobody! I imagine how you're feeling right now being who you are!!. Unfortunately, most of us can just walk away from this way of life (being gay) and we just need to accept and the most important thing, identify where we are, and who we give our trust, hopefully there must be at least one person somewhere. There are other things, like not being happy with who we are or what we have, man!.... open your eyes, there are lots of people (like me) in a dead end, wishing to be in other places, doing other things, and we just are in a very small boring town wich had nothing to offer, and surrounded by mean people. I think you just need to take a break, forget about everything a few weeks, and practice your favorite hobby, that should help. You just need you, and no one else!

crunchinaustin said...

I heard you on Sirius radio today an decided to read your blog. I didn't recognize your name or voice but then I saw your picture and recognized you immediately!

I'm sorry you're having a shitty time. Good friends aren't everywhere but they do exist. I know because I am one and have many.

And after all I heard today and have read on your blog since, WHY THE FUCK are you still with this guy?

Sounds like you can do better for yourself in all your relationships. Stop putting up with assholes. Figuratively, of course.

klocasci said...

Ok you are angry and bitter. Totally understandable. There are people (gay, straight, bi, trans and whatever else is out there) who are users and manipulators. Tell them off and let them latch on to someone else.

You have been recently been taking more control over your life. You initiated contact with the new boyfriend and it sounds like you are slowing things down a little for right now. What other things can you do to get past all this garbage that is happening? You mention that now might be the time to get out of NYC. Sounds like a good idea even if it is just for a short period. Is there maybe a chance that you and your brother (or the boyfriend) could take a weekend just to recharge and look to see what else is outside of the city? See what looks good and feels comfortable. Surround yourself with the good in your life for a while and work towards a plan to get out of the anger and bitterness.

Tom Gaylord said...

I know that feelign Erik.... about feeling like a city is destroying you.... I'm from Sydney Australia, but moved to Dublin, Ireland after a really bad year.... Now I'm here in Dublin despising it, feeling like it is eating away at me...... It's weird, don't wanna be where I'm from, and don't wanna be where I've ended up.......

Where the fuck are we meant to go?

Stupid cities....... I think I need to get into drugs or porn :)

Canvas said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
RiverRock said...

Dangerous things that we do are a reflection of hearts turmoil. It is a way to dull the pain we are feeling from our lives. But in all cases it's a lie and it's decptive. There is always a better option, always.

We are all spirtual beings of great value. The body is merely it's temporary home. Your time here on earth is also of great value not only to yourself but to countless others that come into your range of existence.

Life is teaching you and each day you live is another day you become stronger and more perceptive. Your travelling up a mountain and feel that it is so very weary. But in reality you have come very far in understanding life and yourself. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other no matter how much it hurts or how lost you feel. There are many of us travelling by your side trying to encourage you and give you strength.

What I think is happening to you now is that you are being guided to make some major decisions , and that guidance is actually from a good source. Trust and follow what you feel is taking your hand and leading you. What else but hardship, frustration and pain would get you to make some drastic changes. Don't be discouraged, you will know what the right changes are you just need the faith to do it.

If, for example, you had a choice of your current existence in NYC or another life totally different what would you choose? Is it not entirely possible that there is a life out there for you that has more happines, that had peace in it , friends that respected you , family that see something positive emerging in you, and a brother that was encouraged about your growth and does't need to worry about you. There is no doubt in my mind that you would choose that new life over NYC.

You need the courage and faith to make that leap into the unknown. Life is speaking to you and is leading you to something better.

Just hang on.

Keep your heart open.

Be not afraid to make some major differences.

Stay calm.

Trust and have peace in your heart.

Take one small step, then another and another...and soon your journey will begin.

mco10m said...

Lay your head on my pillow
Here you can be yourself
No one has to know what you are feeling
No one but me and you

I won't tell your secrets
Your secrets are safe with me
I will keep your secrets
Just ain't goin' be as the pages in your diary

I feel such a connection
Even when you far away
Oooo baby if there's anything that you fear
Come forth and call 4894608 and I'll be here

I won't tell your secrets
Your secrets are safe with me
I will keep your secrets
Just ain't goin' be as the pages in your diary

And only we know what talked about baby
Don't know how you can be driven me so crazy
Baby when your in town why don't you come around
Be the loyalty you need you can trust

I won't tell your secrets
Your secrets are safe with me
I will keep your secrets
Just ain't goin' be as the pages in your diary
--Alicia Keys "Your Secrets"--
Your blog is great! Just an observation.

Constantine said...

It's too bad that you generalize people because you've exercised poor judgment in picking out friends.

Pick your friends with greater care. There are many caring people in the world, despite their sexual predilections. There are also good and bad people. It seems that you gravitate towards drama and seem to thrive on it.

A lot of people on this board, on myspace, etc., kiss your ass because you look good and want to befriend a porn star. The reality is, from what I've pieced together, you like the attention, you thrive on drama and you've used bad judgment.

You want to be happy?...be fu*king happy. Pick out better friends, use GOOD judgment and don't be such a whiny little bitch.

Only a good friend would talk to you like this. I don't expect a response, but, hope you do some introspection and find whatever it is you are looking for in life.

Peter C said...

Even in the straight world people want to get something out of you. Just in the gay world, it also includes relationships and sex. You should let yourself go, get really fat, or have the barber cut your hair to make yourself look like you're balding, or scoot around in a wheelchair. The people who stick around are your friends.

jock277 said...

wow it's always someone else's fault isn't it james. there are millions of gays myself included that have happy fulfilling lives and an amazing support system in the gay world. but u can't just show up and expect everyone to care for you. people only give you what you give them. ur right tho, ur young. when u grow up some and get through some REAL issues, you'll realize how childish ur "faggot" rants are. the issue is not "the city" or "the gay community" it is you. the quicker you get back to your medication and ur therapy the quicker you are going to get to a happier place in your life. But before you go blaming everyone else around you, look in the mirror. Look at the life you live. The drugs you take. the type of sex you engage in. the work you do.. therein lies the real issue. stop dragging "the gay community" down with you.

ps.. and this whole "i've thought of packing up and leaving crap" could u be more melodramatic? god ur like a diane steele novel. u know full well ur not going anywhere. you'll stay in ur misery b/c there is a payoff.. people feel sorry for you and u enjoy that.

Brian said...

what a dick, dude you dont know what problems he has or what he goes through, if you dont like reading his blog, dont read it. You've never been in his shoes, its people like you that hes writing about.

CW said...

"I'm just over the whole gay lifestyle... it goes nowhere ... i would give it up in a heart beat if i could."

Get some balls and get out of the lifestyle - thousands have. Most of us know at a young age that the gay lifestyle is terribly neurotic, unhealthy, and ultimately very lonely. Only a few ever have the guts to change and become normal, wholesome people who have peace of mind.

You're not alone. Misery loves company - that's why so many faggots will try to convince you that it's impossible to leave the lifestyle. Go with your intuition and leave these dirty faggots and their superficial lives behind.

Erik Rhodes said...

I'm not saying the whole community is awful, i just telling you people how i see it. It could look completely differnt to you and be as happy Gay Pride in Manhattan. Unfortantly i see the bad side more offen then the good. I have said it more than once. My glass is always half emtpy and it has a crack along the side that is leaking. I'm sorry but its gonna take a fucked smack across the face from God himself to change how i see things.

CW said...

"I'm sorry but its gonna take a fucked smack across the face from God himself to change how i see things."

How do you know it's not God right now trying to show you how fucked up the faggot lifestyle is? Think of it as a positive, not a negative. God is trying to show you how truly sick the typical fag is. Most queers get so caught up in the lifestyle that they never see it. But as the average red-blooded straight guy and he can see crystal clear how perverted and crazy the average homo is.

Pax Romano said...

Hey Erik,

I am late to this party, but I just had to say that it seems to an outsider that much of what you might be experiencing in your life might just be from the toxic people you associate with (be they gay or straight).

Maybe this is your wake up call. You are a handsome, intelligent guy...maybe it's time to throw off the shackles and try something different. There is no shame in working in adult films, but it appears that you are not happy with it, so, do what anyone else would do - move on!

Go back to school, or work a different job. Get out of the "gay ghetto" - hopefully you have a few bucks stashed away from your work, if so, good for you, here's that rainy day.

Good luck whatever you do.

Life is too damn short to squander it on anger.

Take care.

Spitze said...

If its worth anything my best friend hooked up with my boyfriend while we were dating. Its not the first time either.

I think you are just in the wrong environment. I was in NYC for the best 3 years, moved to DC a few months ago. New York Fags are a whole other breed...a whole bunch if cheating and backstabbing. People aren't going anywhere...there is no ambition...there is no desire to have a family "procreate" as you will.

They make being gay as some sort of a conservative bible thumping stereotype they have to live up to.

DC is different, most the queers here are intelligent and know what they want. They want success not some sort of competition on who can swallow the most drugs or do the most people.

Its a different world outside of New York, San Fran, LA, and wherever else you think you would find a lot of fags...

grinder said...

Chapter 31,418 in a book yet to be completed, entitled, Eric Rhodes & His Borderline, Narcissistic Personality Disorders That People Care About Only Because He's Young and Buff.

grinder said...

By the way, Erik, this was done by others a long time ago, but much more entertainingly so. Try The Paris Diaries by Ned Rorem. And then get yourself a fuckin' SKILL, because beauty has an expiration date. Ask Matt Sanchez.

Spherical Time said...

So, among the comments by people desperately being the sort of people that you despise in your post, I'd like to offer you a friendly ear again.

Yeah, I could be an asshole, but you'd never know unless you actually said hello.

Whatever the jerks say, good luck James. I hope you find something worthwhile.

jimbo said...


All I know of you is what I’ve experienced through your blog. You actually seem like a pretty nice guy who is battling a lot of demons. First, for everyone busting James’ chops, give him a break. If he helps people feel like they are not the only one with messed up things going on in their life then good. He never said he was Dr. Phil. Second, protect yourself James, but don’t wall yourself off emotionally. Your demons will lie to you, trick you, and may overpower you. I know! James, man, watch how far you push ‘the limit’. Waking up in a hospital is one thing but what if you wake up and you are physically or mentally compromised. The devil you don’t know may be worse than the devil you know! Two cents from a good ‘ol southern boy who does not want to see you get hurt.

Tony said...


I have been a fan for some time. I am 40 ( just turned ) and my husband of 16 years enjoy your movies very much.( yeas we are a gay married couple - and we are and always have been monogomous) It is a pleasure that you share your soul and heart with the public. You see - you have helped. Your story with all of its ups and downs, turns along the way - let us draw stregth from you! I mean it - thanks for sharing. I do see what you ahve struggled through - but what I admire - is that you are "surviving."

Let me just say - now I am even a bigger fan!

Have you ever meditated? It hepled me through a very dificult time. It may help you focus and make sense of all that you feel deep inside your heart/ and mind.

Take care,


Adam Sank said...

Since no one else has taken the bait from "CW," who seems to making the argument for ex-gay ministries, allow me:

CW, you can rant and rave about God and "faggots" and "normal, red-blooded straight guys" all you want. But later tonight, when you're fantasizing about having Erik Rhodes's big dick up your ass so that you can stay hard while trying to fuck your wife, know that you are EXACTLY as God made you, and that no amount of religious conversion is going to change that.

Mark said...


First, let me congratulate you on making it this far in a city that would sooner chew you up and spit you out than see you succeed. Honestly, I'd never heard of you till last week when I heard you on derek and Romane's show. I could hear in your voice that you were a real person just like me so I took the time to read you blog today.

I know advice on here is a dime a dozen, but for those that live life in the spotlight it gets that much more difficult to find your way through problems and rough times, and sometimes it takes having a complete stranger tell you that you can and MUST change your life to make it better... That's what it took for me... My stranger just happened to be tyra banks on her damn talk show for the world to see... Moral of the story, find someone you CAN confide in who is completely removed from the situation, be careful, and love yourself ...


big bad nosh said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Igbee said...

Porn guy:

1) Most of your observations regarding the gay community are correct.

2) The reason for this is two fold. a) Gay people are not socialized the same way as straights, especially in their formative years (dating, having a set of expectations in life that are almost always met..date, become monogamous, marry, kids, surrounded by family, respected...) To say the very least the delay leads to "high school girl" behavior in our adult lives, total social retardation.... and a good number never get of of that phase. Luckily, you can find people who understand this and grow past it. Just keep looking, and don't destroy your reputation and relationships in the process.
.... Keep in mind that for those who have developed maturity, it is normal to avoid someone who is labeled a mess (like yourself) ...they become closely lumped in with the people mentioned in the first part of this comment. The benefit of being a mess though is that you are sensitive and actually think about these things and that is the only way to mature and grow. Many many gay guys are clueless and just want to cruise through life having fun...until they are the sad forty year olds that life has passed by. If you are contemplative, you can change and mature.

2) The second big reason is that poor behavior can be displayed in a sexually competitive environment. Other gay men are our competitors AND our friends. It's a tricky dynamic.

You just have to start being smart, take a while to get to know people, get an idea of peoples reputations, repair your own, not even think of dating for at least a year (you are so far away from being able to have a healthy relationship), and stop whining.

3) If you fight your perception of the gay community in general (which is correct), your attitude will change and you will start to find the decent people. A good gay guy would avoid you. Become a good gay guy, and yes part of that means ignoring the negative stuff and noticing and pursuing the good stuff. It does involve some degree of self delusion, but it pays off because it filters out the garbage and you find the gems. Also, even the best folks out there have flaws so don't snap to a negative judgment once you see a flaw. See if the flaw is a pattern and take a step back to objectively asses it.

also, keep in mind that "pessimists are often right, but optimists are successful" Think about it.

DivaByNight said...

I do believe you had an EPIPHANY with this Statement

"i honestly believe it all faggots as a whole. Once you open yourself up to someone, thinking someone a friend, that when you find that they just are listening to you for there own selfish reasons. They don't care about you, they just care what they can get out of you."

The Gay Community is FULL OF Social Climbing "USERS" Every one Wants a piece of you.. what do you have to offer... Its sad that once your life has been hit by the public spotlight it is really difficult to know when someone is genuine... or wants to be your friend because of who you are or what you have to offer... or what they can take from you or who you can introduce them too.

I have over 3000 phone numbers in my phone but who can I call in a crisis? Its sad, and its lonely.

I DO agree and I DO RELATE on this... However I do not agree with you about the STRAIGHT lifestyle being BETTER....

Homero said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Psycho Logical: Greschjkvo said...

This entry made me reaffirm what I have always theorized about the gay and homosexual community:

1. There are homosexual men.
2. There are gay men.

Both are not one and the same, sorry they are not.

Gay is a subcultural phenomenon, which includes the circuit parties, gay parades, "straight-acting" obsession, fascination with drag queens, overly effeminate guys, and the list goes on and on. And this community is involved in all the drama you previously mentioned.

Homosexual men just happen to be men who are fully identified with their gender, and also happen to be attracted to other men like himself. No need for a parade to remind him to be proud of being himself, or any nonsense. He's aware of where he stands. No drama here, buddy!

I like to stand on the sidelines and observe. One cannot diminish the achievements that they gay community has brought to us all. It doesn't mean I wanna partake in any of it whatsoever.

It's inevitable to generalize, but I think I get the essence of what you're saying. I hate drama, and avoid it at all costs. I have veered away from the gay community because of it, and have found many great guys that think like me.

Whatever you decide to do, good luck with it mate!

LDJ said...

Whenever you feel "slighted", to say the least, remember to do as Jesus said, "Turn the other cheek." What I really think he meant to say was, "Kiss my ass." (get it ... cheek ... ass)

Jason Sechrest said...

The blog took a backseat to the relationship? Or did you take a backseat to the realtionship?

Psycho Logical: Greschjkvo said...

I love UR music, I sometimes just open UR page to check out what you're playing, and leave it open just to let it jam away.

Thanks for sharing, great selection!

veggiehead007 said...

maybe in your gay lifestyle their is no point to go on......your making excuses due to how you feel about everything else. a lot of us have children and do not think sex 24/7 and do have a reason to go on. you have put yourself in a business where it is all about sex, what do you expect? too many gay men get dealt a shitty card, or even just have a bad run and decide to use their sexual orientation as an excuse for everything going wrong in their lives.....one thing I am envious about that straight people never have to do is the fact that they never need to bring theirs up when things go bad. you got into drugs, you got into porn, you developed the typical cunt attitude that alot of young gay guys have due to their subcultures they attach themselves to ...that...has nothing to do with the gay guy who works a full time job in an office , that has nothing to do with the gay couple that has been together for 26 years with two kids driving to Florida to take their kids to Disney, that has nothing to do with their Christmas morning when they all wake up to have breakfast together ....and none of them..have anything to do with you. get your ass up, straighten your life up and stop using gay as the reasoning for everything going bad in your life. a straight man at his worst , with the knife against his wrist would never say...."boo hoo its all because im straight......."

Edgar said...

I would like to read about ALL the nice things you do for/to yourself. You get tons of advice on this blog. Have you applied any?

If you look for my other posts you will find lots of (unwanted maybe?) advice. Here's some more:

- The pharmacology part is good info. Mind you, "recreational" drugs have an immense destablizing power, and not just the "morning after".

- There is a little electronic device called the Alpha Stim SCS. It sends a low level current through your brain. Acts like a powerful traquilizer without producing physical dependecy. It's expensive, but if it happens not to work for you, it can be returned.

- When you start thinking about yourself as a decent human being, and not a porn star whore, the way people treat you will change, guaranteed. Of course, easier said than done. Start practicing your new thinking in in uncrowded places.

- Maybe meet (if you can) Tom Ford. He seems pretty well adjusted for an (ex?) porn star. You might learn a thing or two.

-You are going have to drop a lot of your attitude. It may scare a lot of people away, but it also makes them angry, and wanting to get back at you.(You have seen the results.)

-Get Rolfed. I've heard it does wonders for your body/mind. It does have an adjustment period that can be unsettling.

-Get a big hot tub to relax those muscles.

-Become a sharp dresser. Your casual wear says: "out and about, and not giving a fuck about how I look". The clothes I've seen in your pictrues do nothing to frame your good looks. This may seem like a superficial comment, but I assure you that people's attitues flow according to the way they SEE you. And your attire sends instant, unchangeable, perceptions about what your place and stance is.

Want more? Just ask.


Marcel Duvoix said...

Dear Erik,
There are those that you will find to be true friends whenever you're ready to make a more positive change in your life for the better, so continue to seek the answers that you're looking for, and the peace you desire, and I'm sure one day you'll wake up and find that all will just fall into place for you. Make a first step towards the change you desire though.

My best as always, Sincerely, HRM King Marcel Duvoix. (Author of the book: "Holy Legacy.")