Well I'm sitting here alone on X-mas eve and i came across this video and i think its absolutely beautiful, so i felt like sharing it with you guys... enjoy and happy holidays.
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Breathe Me
New Beginnings
My boyfriend and another blog had suggested that i change the name of my blog so after some thought, i felt like it was the right thing to do as well. I cannot honestly say i feel like I'm slipping away anymore. Granted i did at the beginning of this blog, i was watching my relationship slip away, my sobriety, my mind. Now, as much as everything is still not perfect in my life, i feel like I'm not giving up so easy, instead of letting my life slip through my hands, I'm taking it all for what its worth.
I'm even shocking myself right now, because as of lately i have had so many people trying to tear me down and typically i would just give up and let them, but unlike me, i have become obsessed with proving people wrong its force me to feel this uncommon sense of pride. I guess to break it down in simpler terms, I'm not thinking about killing myself right now , but more like i rather kill the ones that fuck with me and my relationship and stand in my way of finding happiness or my love of a lifetime.
I have been pretty good so far in letting all the rumours and bullshit slide off my back but just like that kid that gets abused in the hallways of high school, in this day and age it takes only so long before he brings a gun to school, writes some names on a couple bullets and starts emptying kids heads all over the walls. Granted I'm not gonna start killing people, even though i have daydreamed about in more than once when working out at my gym, but all I'm saying, is if you get your teeth knocked out maybe you'll second guess the next time you start running your mouth about someone HIV status. I'm mean, do i look like a push over? Do i look like someone that will run away from a fight?
anyways,
You know, i have never minded the name calling as far as being called a whore or slut, that's just part of the package deal when you sign up to be a porn star. But i think its fucking real low of homo's to use HIV as their own personal self esteem boost. The whole, "I'm obviously jealous of you, so i say you have HIV to make me seem more appealing" bullshit. Its sick. Plus, come on this is NYC, last i heard 1 out of 3 Chelsea queers have HIV, so all your joking and name calling is probely hitting close to home without you even knowing. So be that jerk. Plus seriously Karma is a bitch.
I guess where this is all going is basically saying I'm fed up with everyone trying to destroy my relationship, for whatever reason, weather you hate me, or your in love with what is now mine, just give it a rest.
I keep watching the last 6 mins of the series finale to the HBO show "Six Feet Under" and each time i watch it i start crying and sobbing like a girl. Its not because it shows everyone die, but its because right before each person dies they see what i would call their love of a lifetime and i think to myself how amazing that must feel. The extreme love to have for a person that the happiness of having them in your life is the most important thing that goes threw your head right before you die. I wanna know what the feel like, i wanna find that person. I want my love of a lifetime. I guess that's why i keep writing about people trying to destroy my relationship, cause who would want to destroy that for someone? I would never want to do that to someone else, but what keeps driving people to do it to me? I don't understand it. But i'm sure as shit will fight for it.
My boyfriend and another blog had suggested that i change the name of my blog so after some thought, i felt like it was the right thing to do as well. I cannot honestly say i feel like I'm slipping away anymore. Granted i did at the beginning of this blog, i was watching my relationship slip away, my sobriety, my mind. Now, as much as everything is still not perfect in my life, i feel like I'm not giving up so easy, instead of letting my life slip through my hands, I'm taking it all for what its worth.
I'm even shocking myself right now, because as of lately i have had so many people trying to tear me down and typically i would just give up and let them, but unlike me, i have become obsessed with proving people wrong its force me to feel this uncommon sense of pride. I guess to break it down in simpler terms, I'm not thinking about killing myself right now , but more like i rather kill the ones that fuck with me and my relationship and stand in my way of finding happiness or my love of a lifetime.
I have been pretty good so far in letting all the rumours and bullshit slide off my back but just like that kid that gets abused in the hallways of high school, in this day and age it takes only so long before he brings a gun to school, writes some names on a couple bullets and starts emptying kids heads all over the walls. Granted I'm not gonna start killing people, even though i have daydreamed about in more than once when working out at my gym, but all I'm saying, is if you get your teeth knocked out maybe you'll second guess the next time you start running your mouth about someone HIV status. I'm mean, do i look like a push over? Do i look like someone that will run away from a fight?
anyways,
You know, i have never minded the name calling as far as being called a whore or slut, that's just part of the package deal when you sign up to be a porn star. But i think its fucking real low of homo's to use HIV as their own personal self esteem boost. The whole, "I'm obviously jealous of you, so i say you have HIV to make me seem more appealing" bullshit. Its sick. Plus, come on this is NYC, last i heard 1 out of 3 Chelsea queers have HIV, so all your joking and name calling is probely hitting close to home without you even knowing. So be that jerk. Plus seriously Karma is a bitch.
I guess where this is all going is basically saying I'm fed up with everyone trying to destroy my relationship, for whatever reason, weather you hate me, or your in love with what is now mine, just give it a rest.
I keep watching the last 6 mins of the series finale to the HBO show "Six Feet Under" and each time i watch it i start crying and sobbing like a girl. Its not because it shows everyone die, but its because right before each person dies they see what i would call their love of a lifetime and i think to myself how amazing that must feel. The extreme love to have for a person that the happiness of having them in your life is the most important thing that goes threw your head right before you die. I wanna know what the feel like, i wanna find that person. I want my love of a lifetime. I guess that's why i keep writing about people trying to destroy my relationship, cause who would want to destroy that for someone? I would never want to do that to someone else, but what keeps driving people to do it to me? I don't understand it. But i'm sure as shit will fight for it.
Monday, December 8, 2008
The Three words that change everything.
I Love You.
I really didn't even see it coming. All i could think is "God, i don't think i have treated you anywhere good enough to deserve an I love you, already". But it felt really good.
I had caught myself from saying it acouple times. I felt like i didn't want to be the one to say it first and scare the other person away. I guess i just wanted to know he felt it to. I kept having a daydream of saying i love you and him turning to me and saying back "your a porn star, I'll never honestly love you".
It was something i was just starting to accept along with the fact that dating anyone good looking from Staten Island works those jealous fucks into a frenzy. Honestly the start of this relationship has shown me a new low for faggots as a whole.
How does dating a porn star make someone a whore? I don't understand it but that's all that this poor guy is hearing. Or is it maybe he got something you want? Possibly i got something you want? Either way does that deserve the label of being a whore? Why not just say... "I'm a stupid jealous fuck and i hope your relationship fails", i can understand that.
anyways...
But yeah, I love you changes alot. I'm trying to not be so jealous myself. If someone is willing to love me, and mean it and there shouldn't be jealousies behind that. There should be honesty and faith which are not 2 of my best traits but I'm taking it all day by day, and working my best at being as good as i can be to this guy. You know and if it doesn't work out for whatever reason, i just want a guy for once to look back and say "he was an amazing bf, it just didn't work". I'm tired of being a horror story in these peoples lives.
So from here on until this ends, i pledge my protection, my devotion and all of my heart. I love you, Anthony. ~ xoxo Your big bear.
I really didn't even see it coming. All i could think is "God, i don't think i have treated you anywhere good enough to deserve an I love you, already". But it felt really good.
I had caught myself from saying it acouple times. I felt like i didn't want to be the one to say it first and scare the other person away. I guess i just wanted to know he felt it to. I kept having a daydream of saying i love you and him turning to me and saying back "your a porn star, I'll never honestly love you".
It was something i was just starting to accept along with the fact that dating anyone good looking from Staten Island works those jealous fucks into a frenzy. Honestly the start of this relationship has shown me a new low for faggots as a whole.
How does dating a porn star make someone a whore? I don't understand it but that's all that this poor guy is hearing. Or is it maybe he got something you want? Possibly i got something you want? Either way does that deserve the label of being a whore? Why not just say... "I'm a stupid jealous fuck and i hope your relationship fails", i can understand that.
anyways...
But yeah, I love you changes alot. I'm trying to not be so jealous myself. If someone is willing to love me, and mean it and there shouldn't be jealousies behind that. There should be honesty and faith which are not 2 of my best traits but I'm taking it all day by day, and working my best at being as good as i can be to this guy. You know and if it doesn't work out for whatever reason, i just want a guy for once to look back and say "he was an amazing bf, it just didn't work". I'm tired of being a horror story in these peoples lives.
So from here on until this ends, i pledge my protection, my devotion and all of my heart. I love you, Anthony. ~ xoxo Your big bear.
Monday, December 1, 2008
Vicarious
Well this is the first time in a real long time that i am so pre-occupied with someone else that i have completely forgot about my depression.
I wish i could say that it been a great time, but its honestly been very frustrating and filled with alot of anger. I cannot help using all the things that went wrong in past relationships, against the current one I'm in. I over think everything in a negative way and i don't believe the simplest of excuses. I over react, and I'm sure, for someone that is just trying to figure me out that I'm living up to all the crazy bullshit that he was warned about before getting wrapped up with me. I really wanted to prove the stories wrong, but I'm just living up to them. I'm am being everything they said i was.
Fuck, I'm like I'm a pre menopausal woman, my mood swings have been insane. I'm sure he never know what to expect. Nor do i really. I can't even control it anymore. The control i had is gone, a short lived memory. As if G wasn't a big enough crutch in my life. I find myself sucking it down each time i fight, just to get that fuzziness behind my eyes and to be able to breathe a calm breath. Flashback to my last relationship, and shooting up heroine after fights. I guess its not that bad just yet, but its feel like I'm on that path again. I doubt I'm gonna start using H again, but i hate having to use drugs just to make a relationship work.
It been almost 2 years since the start of my last relationship and even then my ex was bombarded with warnings about me. In 2 years the rumours have only gotten worse and it seems like now everyone has something to say, its seems like everyone has a fucking story. I'm not sure if its readers of this blog that think this is all I'm about or its just typical fags that judge me since i do porn, but beyond that normal stress of just getting to know someone and making an worthwhile connection, this bullshit has just been so draining. I can only imagine how it is for him.
I don't ask much for anyone, not from friends, not from family, not from fans and surely not from enemies, but Jesus, for once just leave me the fuck alone. You know if this relationship doesn't work, that's fine, but i wanna know it was because we choose not to make it work and not because some outside jealous source fucked it up for me. (Its insane that i need to even ask)
You know, it feel like forever since i let my guard down to care for someone else. But each time i look at him i can't help myself from thinking "this feels right james" It might possibly be the fact that each time he looks at me he kinda reminds me of puss-in-boots from Shrek, when he is doing that adorable innocent face, i swear it melts my heart.
I know, i focus so much on the bad things on this blog that sometimes i forget to mention the good days and the things that make me happy. Granted, this new relationship has been diffcult from alot of angles, and lets be honest i'll never be the easiest person to date, but when its been good, its been great. So thank you Anthony for that. Thank you for making me happy.
I wish i could say that it been a great time, but its honestly been very frustrating and filled with alot of anger. I cannot help using all the things that went wrong in past relationships, against the current one I'm in. I over think everything in a negative way and i don't believe the simplest of excuses. I over react, and I'm sure, for someone that is just trying to figure me out that I'm living up to all the crazy bullshit that he was warned about before getting wrapped up with me. I really wanted to prove the stories wrong, but I'm just living up to them. I'm am being everything they said i was.
Fuck, I'm like I'm a pre menopausal woman, my mood swings have been insane. I'm sure he never know what to expect. Nor do i really. I can't even control it anymore. The control i had is gone, a short lived memory. As if G wasn't a big enough crutch in my life. I find myself sucking it down each time i fight, just to get that fuzziness behind my eyes and to be able to breathe a calm breath. Flashback to my last relationship, and shooting up heroine after fights. I guess its not that bad just yet, but its feel like I'm on that path again. I doubt I'm gonna start using H again, but i hate having to use drugs just to make a relationship work.
It been almost 2 years since the start of my last relationship and even then my ex was bombarded with warnings about me. In 2 years the rumours have only gotten worse and it seems like now everyone has something to say, its seems like everyone has a fucking story. I'm not sure if its readers of this blog that think this is all I'm about or its just typical fags that judge me since i do porn, but beyond that normal stress of just getting to know someone and making an worthwhile connection, this bullshit has just been so draining. I can only imagine how it is for him.
I don't ask much for anyone, not from friends, not from family, not from fans and surely not from enemies, but Jesus, for once just leave me the fuck alone. You know if this relationship doesn't work, that's fine, but i wanna know it was because we choose not to make it work and not because some outside jealous source fucked it up for me. (Its insane that i need to even ask)
You know, it feel like forever since i let my guard down to care for someone else. But each time i look at him i can't help myself from thinking "this feels right james" It might possibly be the fact that each time he looks at me he kinda reminds me of puss-in-boots from Shrek, when he is doing that adorable innocent face, i swear it melts my heart.
I know, i focus so much on the bad things on this blog that sometimes i forget to mention the good days and the things that make me happy. Granted, this new relationship has been diffcult from alot of angles, and lets be honest i'll never be the easiest person to date, but when its been good, its been great. So thank you Anthony for that. Thank you for making me happy.
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