Sunday, November 30, 2008
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Do not let it get away...
Well first thing is first, i stopped taking the meds.
I can't explain it but i started to feel like things were getting worse. Granted mentally i dont think i'm much better, but at least i kinda feel like myself again. Paranoid, angry and out of place feel more like home and in all honesty i dont mind being back. I think this is just the way i was designed and i'm becoming okay with it. On a postive note, i think the drugs actually gave me a sort of perspective into the crazy shit i do, and when i find myself loosing it, i'm now able to tell myself to calm down. Well... maybe its not that easy. I kinda loose it first, stop and focus, and then make the proper adjustments. I'm not sure if it matters by the time i figure it out but at least, it feels like i have more control...
I had mentioned in my last blog that i have met someone new, and surprisingly enough, i'm still talking with him. I do however feel like i'm scaring them away.
I honestly dont know how to date and i'm sure as fuck i do not understand how to treat a new relationship, how to treat someone new that i'm interested in. What i find myself, already doing, after only a few weeks of hanging out is me getting extremely jealous. The guy just has that look that draws people towards him and it seems like everywhere i go with him i'm wanting to fight these fucks off like he is already my boyfriend. I hate the way it feels honestly and have even considered just giving up on the relationship altogether cuz i just mentally, don't think i can handle it right now. I dont wanna be a jealous fuck, i hate feeling crazy for no reason. The first couple times it happened, i kinda fought myself into not caring and saying just let it go but obviously i couldnt and i would find myself ranting at him and going nuts. I mean i'm just waiting for him to walk out of my place and tell me i'm just not worth the hassel. I sware i can read the thought behind his eyes saying, run away now. He's stayed so far, but i'm positive he will not stomach much more of my bullshit.
I mean, come on, beyond me being a jealous porn star, which is an oxymoron in itself, the poor kid now has to deal with a new costant critisim i'm sure he has never dealt with before. "whats dating a porn stars like, how can you be okay with that?", "don't expect much from him", "omg i heard" this" about him", and so forth are just the daily reminders of what a mistake the people around him think he is making. God, sometimes i agree with them. i'm not worth his time, i not worth wasting his precious life on, i'm not worth the chance he is taking.
But he constantly reassures me that he gets to see what they don't see, the true person i am behind the faccad of being Erik Rhodes, and he keeps telling me it seems to be worth it.
In my head i keep thinking to myself, "Really, Why?"
"dont ask questions, keep it moving, this might only be another short glimpse of happiness, so enjoy it for what its worth now, oh god, they are not right about me"
Its what has honestly been keeping a smile on my face. Fuck, thats all i been asking for... someone to see me for me and just not be full of shit when they say it. And for some reason i believe him when he says it.
The problem is...
I have been wrong before.
*dont mind my spelling, spell check doesnt work on my mac, dick.
I can't explain it but i started to feel like things were getting worse. Granted mentally i dont think i'm much better, but at least i kinda feel like myself again. Paranoid, angry and out of place feel more like home and in all honesty i dont mind being back. I think this is just the way i was designed and i'm becoming okay with it. On a postive note, i think the drugs actually gave me a sort of perspective into the crazy shit i do, and when i find myself loosing it, i'm now able to tell myself to calm down. Well... maybe its not that easy. I kinda loose it first, stop and focus, and then make the proper adjustments. I'm not sure if it matters by the time i figure it out but at least, it feels like i have more control...
I had mentioned in my last blog that i have met someone new, and surprisingly enough, i'm still talking with him. I do however feel like i'm scaring them away.
I honestly dont know how to date and i'm sure as fuck i do not understand how to treat a new relationship, how to treat someone new that i'm interested in. What i find myself, already doing, after only a few weeks of hanging out is me getting extremely jealous. The guy just has that look that draws people towards him and it seems like everywhere i go with him i'm wanting to fight these fucks off like he is already my boyfriend. I hate the way it feels honestly and have even considered just giving up on the relationship altogether cuz i just mentally, don't think i can handle it right now. I dont wanna be a jealous fuck, i hate feeling crazy for no reason. The first couple times it happened, i kinda fought myself into not caring and saying just let it go but obviously i couldnt and i would find myself ranting at him and going nuts. I mean i'm just waiting for him to walk out of my place and tell me i'm just not worth the hassel. I sware i can read the thought behind his eyes saying, run away now. He's stayed so far, but i'm positive he will not stomach much more of my bullshit.
I mean, come on, beyond me being a jealous porn star, which is an oxymoron in itself, the poor kid now has to deal with a new costant critisim i'm sure he has never dealt with before. "whats dating a porn stars like, how can you be okay with that?", "don't expect much from him", "omg i heard" this" about him", and so forth are just the daily reminders of what a mistake the people around him think he is making. God, sometimes i agree with them. i'm not worth his time, i not worth wasting his precious life on, i'm not worth the chance he is taking.
But he constantly reassures me that he gets to see what they don't see, the true person i am behind the faccad of being Erik Rhodes, and he keeps telling me it seems to be worth it.
In my head i keep thinking to myself, "Really, Why?"
"dont ask questions, keep it moving, this might only be another short glimpse of happiness, so enjoy it for what its worth now, oh god, they are not right about me"
Its what has honestly been keeping a smile on my face. Fuck, thats all i been asking for... someone to see me for me and just not be full of shit when they say it. And for some reason i believe him when he says it.
The problem is...
I have been wrong before.
*dont mind my spelling, spell check doesnt work on my mac, dick.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
In The Land Of Make Believe You Are Mine, In the Land Of Make Believe I'm Doing Fine
Well, i guess i have to write something since my last post was taken down.
So i just got back from a long weekend in Baltimore, yeah Baltimore of all places, and you would think i could have some peace, well apparently Baltimore has Erik Rhodes fans to.
Anyways,
I had mentioned in my last blog that i started using an anti-depressant called Effexor. Its not exactly what i was hoping for. Granted, i am not over thinking, but now it just feel like there is something missing. I kinda feel like I'm waiting for something that is just not coming, waiting for a climax, and then realizing that there is not going to be one. I guess the best way i can describe it is like waiting for your friend as he gets ready to go out, anticipating and excited, only to have him turn around and say, "you know what, i feel like staying in. you can go alone if you want".
I finding myself alot more confused. Walking back and forth in my apartment, about to do something, with no clue what that thing is, walking back and forth a little more in hopes I'll figure it out, until i stop myself and say "James, what the fuck are you doing". I have to physically tell myself, "okay your getting ready for the gym". It so strange. Its like my brain is fighting me. I find that its making me get to the gym later and later.
On a positive note, i have met someone new... Granted its kinda fresh and I'm not sure where its going, but being able to hold someone i really like at night has been leaving a huge smile on my face.
I guess what is shocking about this new kid is that, i made the first move, i made the request to see him again, i am making this work, i am taking charge and getting what i want... This person is not me. My confidence normally is about equal to a 13 year old girl band geek with braces, glasses and rocks out on the xylophone. I guess I'm just tired of waiting for someone to approach me. I'm sure if i kept waiting I'd still be bitching. I'm tired of life passing me by.
* Thank You to the piece of shit that ratted out my blog for posting the free music I left in my last blog. I'm gonna post a new compilation soon without writing the track list, so anyone that's interested, just needs to send me a message on myspace for the track list and I'll avoid any copy write infringement. SO FUCK YOU, i win.
* Thanks to The Sword (www.thesword.com) for making me #14 on the sword 100. http://thesword.com/index.php/cultureschlock/1582-selections-from-the-sword-100.html.
I swear every time an new young fag emails me and says, "hey erik, i tried GHB last night because of you"... I say to myself, "damn it, James, your making a change inn this world!"
Turn the Television off...
So i just got back from a long weekend in Baltimore, yeah Baltimore of all places, and you would think i could have some peace, well apparently Baltimore has Erik Rhodes fans to.
Anyways,
I had mentioned in my last blog that i started using an anti-depressant called Effexor. Its not exactly what i was hoping for. Granted, i am not over thinking, but now it just feel like there is something missing. I kinda feel like I'm waiting for something that is just not coming, waiting for a climax, and then realizing that there is not going to be one. I guess the best way i can describe it is like waiting for your friend as he gets ready to go out, anticipating and excited, only to have him turn around and say, "you know what, i feel like staying in. you can go alone if you want".
I finding myself alot more confused. Walking back and forth in my apartment, about to do something, with no clue what that thing is, walking back and forth a little more in hopes I'll figure it out, until i stop myself and say "James, what the fuck are you doing". I have to physically tell myself, "okay your getting ready for the gym". It so strange. Its like my brain is fighting me. I find that its making me get to the gym later and later.
On a positive note, i have met someone new... Granted its kinda fresh and I'm not sure where its going, but being able to hold someone i really like at night has been leaving a huge smile on my face.
I guess what is shocking about this new kid is that, i made the first move, i made the request to see him again, i am making this work, i am taking charge and getting what i want... This person is not me. My confidence normally is about equal to a 13 year old girl band geek with braces, glasses and rocks out on the xylophone. I guess I'm just tired of waiting for someone to approach me. I'm sure if i kept waiting I'd still be bitching. I'm tired of life passing me by.
* Thank You to the piece of shit that ratted out my blog for posting the free music I left in my last blog. I'm gonna post a new compilation soon without writing the track list, so anyone that's interested, just needs to send me a message on myspace for the track list and I'll avoid any copy write infringement. SO FUCK YOU, i win.
* Thanks to The Sword (www.thesword.com) for making me #14 on the sword 100. http://thesword.com/index.php/cultureschlock/1582-selections-from-the-sword-100.html.
I swear every time an new young fag emails me and says, "hey erik, i tried GHB last night because of you"... I say to myself, "damn it, James, your making a change inn this world!"
Turn the Television off...
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