I was walking home the other night, down 28th street to lex. If your a New Yorker you would know that this just happens to be where all the "50 dollar blow job in your car" female hookers work. Anyways, i walk past these sluts on a regular basis, and as oversexed and worn out as there pussies might be, they always cat call as i walk by. But this time was different. One of the regular blonds stopped me and said "I know your not "looking", but i just was wondering why is it that you never smile". Kinda shocked, the only thing i could respond with was " sorry but i don't talk with street hookers" and i walked away. I made it half way down the block before i began laughing to myself. I was actually returning home for getting my toes sucked for 500 bucks. I'm not sure why i think I'm any better than these sluts, i guess cuz I'm not working a street corner? Maybe cuz i don't wear fishnets and try to make a quota of at least 10 dicks in my mouth before i call it a night? Anyways what she said to me, got me thinking. Is it possible that these street walkers are somehow happier than me? I mean she called me out, i have walked past them a good enough times, is my daily unhappiness that obvious that these street hooker feel bad for me and feel the need to try to provide me with some sort of roadside therapy? Has it got that bad?I guess I'm never very really happy walking around my building anyways, i always fear that i will bump into my ex that still lives in my building. At points i hope to see him, just to walk past him and show him i don't care anymore, sometimes i wish to see him with whoever he is dating just to make his new fling feel inferior, other times i kinda wish we could just be friendly, so that i could possibly see my dogs that i miss so much.
Moving on,
So i have been throwing myself out there lately, going out as much as i hate it, talking with strangers and trying to be social, honestly past the point i am comfortable with. I'm not sure what i expect, but most nights i still go home disappointed. I have actually had some of the worst nights of my life just recently. i have chosen not to write about them to spare the poor kids i was withs egos. (yes Dylan and Evan, you awful little shits, I'm talking about you). I'm not sure why. Its just not worth talking about, just some more simple mistakes i have made that i have since corrected. I do not think i have lost control, the sex and drugs of being single, despite my huge bottle of G, have not got the best of me... yet. In fact my nightly G use has been me more happy then i been in awhile. Although, I still wake up hating life. I guess i can't have everything i want huh?
Oh a positive note, i have just signed my ass up for some health insurance. I look forward to countless hours of brainwashing and life changing sessions with a therapist. I predict a grocery list of prescriptions after my first visit. Hopefully I'll get some good shit that will feel alot better if i abuse them or inject them. Just kidding... maybe. I just want something that shuts my brain off. I'm tired of over thinking every little thing. I want the crazy persons dream of just being able to feel normal around people.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Sunday, September 14, 2008
The Angel Under a Sea of Black Umbrellas
I feel used. I feel maniuplated. I feel walked on.
You know, after all is said and done, i have once again been made out to be the idiot and everyone could see it but me. I let love blind me, and then cripple me after it stabbed me in the back.
I spent so much time letting you tear me down, making me feel worthless, making me feel like i was beaneath you. I was so stupid.
I'm so happy now that i have finally figured it out.
What i thought was love was empty and fake. The person i thought you were, emtpy and fake.
I'm not sure how long you expected this charade to last before i figured it out. Before i saw you for who you really were... "The angel under a sea of black umbrellas". Mr. Perfect. The Know it all. The one that claimed to be so innocent, that had the most to hide.
I have never claimed to be perfect and i know that the majority of our break up was my fault. But when you laugh in my face and basically tell me my feeling are worthless to you, your lucky smashing your face into that wall was all i did. For someone with nothing, and is just starving for someone to listen to him and understand him, my feeling are all i have, and if that means nothing to you, it's like stabbing me in the heart while you smile in my face.
I hope your new Boyfriend knows how you begged to be with me for the last 2 weeks. I hope he knows that he was the fallback guy. (i have all the text messages you sent me to prove it and i'll save them all just for him if he does believe it, god knows your already preaching a boatload of bullshit to him also)
And now that i'm gone, i want you to notice, i want you to remember what you'll be missing...all of my love. Its gone and never coming back. I hate you. If you were dying in the street i wouldn't help you, i would only take a second to look while i spit in your face as i walk over you, that is all your worth to me now. I thought porn was my biggest regret in this life, but it not, Its you. If fact lets pretend it never happened. You and me never happened.
You know, after all is said and done, i have once again been made out to be the idiot and everyone could see it but me. I let love blind me, and then cripple me after it stabbed me in the back.
I spent so much time letting you tear me down, making me feel worthless, making me feel like i was beaneath you. I was so stupid.
I'm so happy now that i have finally figured it out.
What i thought was love was empty and fake. The person i thought you were, emtpy and fake.
I'm not sure how long you expected this charade to last before i figured it out. Before i saw you for who you really were... "The angel under a sea of black umbrellas". Mr. Perfect. The Know it all. The one that claimed to be so innocent, that had the most to hide.
I have never claimed to be perfect and i know that the majority of our break up was my fault. But when you laugh in my face and basically tell me my feeling are worthless to you, your lucky smashing your face into that wall was all i did. For someone with nothing, and is just starving for someone to listen to him and understand him, my feeling are all i have, and if that means nothing to you, it's like stabbing me in the heart while you smile in my face.
I hope your new Boyfriend knows how you begged to be with me for the last 2 weeks. I hope he knows that he was the fallback guy. (i have all the text messages you sent me to prove it and i'll save them all just for him if he does believe it, god knows your already preaching a boatload of bullshit to him also)
And now that i'm gone, i want you to notice, i want you to remember what you'll be missing...all of my love. Its gone and never coming back. I hate you. If you were dying in the street i wouldn't help you, i would only take a second to look while i spit in your face as i walk over you, that is all your worth to me now. I thought porn was my biggest regret in this life, but it not, Its you. If fact lets pretend it never happened. You and me never happened.
Monday, September 8, 2008
Helping me, help myself.
The blog is a double edge sword.
As much as this blog has been a release for me it has also given to many people, to much insight into my personal world. You know it hard enough trying to start new relationships being a pornstar but I'm finding it even harder to do with a blog out there discussing what a fucking mess i am. I'm sure its hard enough for guys to see past the fact i do porn, and then this is out there? Its like meeting a new guy and being able to research all his flaws online. I'm helping people choose to walk away from me before even giving me a chance.
You know everyone has their certain level of bullshit they never tell anyone. Your friends, your Bf, your family members, they all have a dark side. But they all sleep fine at night cause they do their best at keeping whatever their perversion or dirty little secret, basically just that, by keeping it a secrete. This blog is all my dirty secrets and this is all my bullshit compiled, for all to read. It has let the freaks in and has kept anyone of value, away. I'm tired of it.
Its funny that two of the main topics of this blog, "love" and "my personal space" are two of the major things in my life that this blog is destroying. You know, as much as this depression has sucked, its opening my eyes (that's like my favorite line for this blog). When i have this guy try and kiss me and make me feel totally uncomfortable, i have to say to myself, "this is my fault"... i let this person in. When i have a guy approach me at the gym, grab my chest and whisper personal information in my ear, i have to say to myself. "this is my fault"... i let this person in.
I try and smile and laugh it off cause I'm sure they might not know what they are doing, maybe they do, either way, it make me feel like I'm sinking, its feels like I'm drowning, standing there on solid ground and it all my fault but its made me realize that I am the one causing my depression.
I guess what I'm trying to say is there has to be a change, and its honestly starting to look like the end of this blog. Its become more of a problem then a solution. Its only making me feel more and more empty. Its only making people look at me worse then they already do.
You know, when i see people whisper about me when i walk into a bar, I'm not sure what they are whispering about anymore, the porn or the mess from the blog? I could barely handle one, i don't need two.
So I'm not sure what gonna happen, i guess we'll just have to wait and see if i can handle keeping my thoughts to myself and if i can't, do contines writing and just water it down? Do I just just make this into another garbage porn star blog? Or do i just walk away all together... I'm torn cause this blog has reached out to so many people and i get emails all the time about it from people saying "dude, i feel the same way", and it always is a relief to feel like I'm not the only one out there like this but when do i draw the line inn the sand and say this is where it has to end, this is where i finally figure myself out and just leave everything else behind?
You know, i just want my certain level of bullshit also...
As much as this blog has been a release for me it has also given to many people, to much insight into my personal world. You know it hard enough trying to start new relationships being a pornstar but I'm finding it even harder to do with a blog out there discussing what a fucking mess i am. I'm sure its hard enough for guys to see past the fact i do porn, and then this is out there? Its like meeting a new guy and being able to research all his flaws online. I'm helping people choose to walk away from me before even giving me a chance.
You know everyone has their certain level of bullshit they never tell anyone. Your friends, your Bf, your family members, they all have a dark side. But they all sleep fine at night cause they do their best at keeping whatever their perversion or dirty little secret, basically just that, by keeping it a secrete. This blog is all my dirty secrets and this is all my bullshit compiled, for all to read. It has let the freaks in and has kept anyone of value, away. I'm tired of it.
Its funny that two of the main topics of this blog, "love" and "my personal space" are two of the major things in my life that this blog is destroying. You know, as much as this depression has sucked, its opening my eyes (that's like my favorite line for this blog). When i have this guy try and kiss me and make me feel totally uncomfortable, i have to say to myself, "this is my fault"... i let this person in. When i have a guy approach me at the gym, grab my chest and whisper personal information in my ear, i have to say to myself. "this is my fault"... i let this person in.
I try and smile and laugh it off cause I'm sure they might not know what they are doing, maybe they do, either way, it make me feel like I'm sinking, its feels like I'm drowning, standing there on solid ground and it all my fault but its made me realize that I am the one causing my depression.
I guess what I'm trying to say is there has to be a change, and its honestly starting to look like the end of this blog. Its become more of a problem then a solution. Its only making me feel more and more empty. Its only making people look at me worse then they already do.
You know, when i see people whisper about me when i walk into a bar, I'm not sure what they are whispering about anymore, the porn or the mess from the blog? I could barely handle one, i don't need two.
So I'm not sure what gonna happen, i guess we'll just have to wait and see if i can handle keeping my thoughts to myself and if i can't, do contines writing and just water it down? Do I just just make this into another garbage porn star blog? Or do i just walk away all together... I'm torn cause this blog has reached out to so many people and i get emails all the time about it from people saying "dude, i feel the same way", and it always is a relief to feel like I'm not the only one out there like this but when do i draw the line inn the sand and say this is where it has to end, this is where i finally figure myself out and just leave everything else behind?
You know, i just want my certain level of bullshit also...
Monday, September 1, 2008
Oh, The Depression.
So i have come to a point in my life of just pure confusion.
I pace back and forth in my apartment. Waiting. Only to realize I'm lost. No one is coming and there is nowhere to go. I sit down and and try to figure it all out and i can't. I'm lost. I'm lost with in my friends, I'm lost within my own family and I'm jut lost within my own head.
Like this morning i wake up fighting demons. Calling every drug dealer i have in my phone in hopes to just get wasted all day long. Thanks to lazy drugs dealers no one returns my calls. Which is for the best, but what if i got hooked up on the first call i made? I'm sure as shit wouldn't be writing this blog. But is that where i wanna be? It was when i woke up. Its not now, but i can't figure out how kill the bad sides of me. I can't help feeling totally defeated and just wanting to give up.
I choose to stay in last night after getting completely ready to go out cause i knew i wouldn't be able to stomach socializing. I wanted to though. How the fuck am i ever gonna meet new people if i don't throw myself out there? Then i think, if i do go out I'll just have to get so fucked up to handle being around people, that I'm not gonna meet anyone new if the first place cause I'll just be the fucked up porn star in the corner that people look at and point at and don't want anything to do with. Thanks but no thanks. The discomfort of being alone is much easier to manage than that. I figured to myself, i could get up early, do the gym and be productive without feeling drug hungover and miserable. Well, i still wake up miserable. Everyday i wake up miserable and one of these days soon I'm just gonna give up. I am not strong enough to deal with this life anymore, i made myself into this pathetic, shadow of a human. I'm so disconnected, just living each day to the next, i feel like a bum. You know, what drives a bum to live each day? Nothing, they just keep waking up on the street and saying "damn, another day, please god, would a cab run me the fuck over today". I feel the same way.
anyways,
It was funny, the other day i got a message on myspace from a guy that goes to my gym. The message was the typical, "your hot" bullshit that normally doesn't get someone a response, but i knew that the guy was from my gym so i responded and told him that i see him at the gym and how i thought it was funny how many guys that go there, that look like they hate me and won't give me the time of day that end up hitting me up on a website like myspace to talk. ( wow talk about a run-on sentence) To which he responded "well you are who you are and if i came up to talk to you people might talk". This drove me crazy. Like who the fuck am i? and who are you afraid to talk to? The slut pornstar, the depressed asshole self loathing blog writer, the funny guest host on D&R that isn't afraid to tell all the listeners when he shit his pants or maybe I'm the self absorbed ego maniac your friend said he saw at a bar. Whatever it maybe, Am i that far damaged that i can't get people to say hello, a smile, anything? I just get the fucking emails saying "well I'm afraid to talk to you since you are who you are, and as much as i think your hot, your not worth knowing in public". All i can think as i have over analyzed this conversation is "god, I'm sure people would talk to James, if they just gave him a chance". But i feel as much as i try and push the real me out, all anyone ever see's is Erik. Its starting to fuck with my head. Its starting to hurt.
I went to see my family yesterday. I can't help to think they read this blog and have started to feel bad for me. All the "i love yous and we are here for yous". But are you really? A good four years past where i was at my lowest and you weren't around then? But now that i spell it out for you in this blog, you understand me. I'm sorry, its not that easy. God, you should see me at these family gatherings, i feel like I'm oozing bullshit. I personally love it when the little kiddies ask me what kind of model i am and when family friends seem to sneak extra pictures of me cuz they don't know the truth yet. Oh what a disappointment i am.
I know this blog sounds so pathetic, and i am such a fucking broken record. its the same crying bullshit all the time from me. I'm sorry. I'm tired of it as much as you and i'm working on getting myself healthcare insurance, cuz i can't do this anymore. Something has finally clicked off and i dont think i'm gonna be able to turn it back on myself. My back is hurting from the weight thats on top of me and i just wanna breathe again. I dont wanna be this person anymore.
I pace back and forth in my apartment. Waiting. Only to realize I'm lost. No one is coming and there is nowhere to go. I sit down and and try to figure it all out and i can't. I'm lost. I'm lost with in my friends, I'm lost within my own family and I'm jut lost within my own head.
Like this morning i wake up fighting demons. Calling every drug dealer i have in my phone in hopes to just get wasted all day long. Thanks to lazy drugs dealers no one returns my calls. Which is for the best, but what if i got hooked up on the first call i made? I'm sure as shit wouldn't be writing this blog. But is that where i wanna be? It was when i woke up. Its not now, but i can't figure out how kill the bad sides of me. I can't help feeling totally defeated and just wanting to give up.
I choose to stay in last night after getting completely ready to go out cause i knew i wouldn't be able to stomach socializing. I wanted to though. How the fuck am i ever gonna meet new people if i don't throw myself out there? Then i think, if i do go out I'll just have to get so fucked up to handle being around people, that I'm not gonna meet anyone new if the first place cause I'll just be the fucked up porn star in the corner that people look at and point at and don't want anything to do with. Thanks but no thanks. The discomfort of being alone is much easier to manage than that. I figured to myself, i could get up early, do the gym and be productive without feeling drug hungover and miserable. Well, i still wake up miserable. Everyday i wake up miserable and one of these days soon I'm just gonna give up. I am not strong enough to deal with this life anymore, i made myself into this pathetic, shadow of a human. I'm so disconnected, just living each day to the next, i feel like a bum. You know, what drives a bum to live each day? Nothing, they just keep waking up on the street and saying "damn, another day, please god, would a cab run me the fuck over today". I feel the same way.
anyways,
It was funny, the other day i got a message on myspace from a guy that goes to my gym. The message was the typical, "your hot" bullshit that normally doesn't get someone a response, but i knew that the guy was from my gym so i responded and told him that i see him at the gym and how i thought it was funny how many guys that go there, that look like they hate me and won't give me the time of day that end up hitting me up on a website like myspace to talk. ( wow talk about a run-on sentence) To which he responded "well you are who you are and if i came up to talk to you people might talk". This drove me crazy. Like who the fuck am i? and who are you afraid to talk to? The slut pornstar, the depressed asshole self loathing blog writer, the funny guest host on D&R that isn't afraid to tell all the listeners when he shit his pants or maybe I'm the self absorbed ego maniac your friend said he saw at a bar. Whatever it maybe, Am i that far damaged that i can't get people to say hello, a smile, anything? I just get the fucking emails saying "well I'm afraid to talk to you since you are who you are, and as much as i think your hot, your not worth knowing in public". All i can think as i have over analyzed this conversation is "god, I'm sure people would talk to James, if they just gave him a chance". But i feel as much as i try and push the real me out, all anyone ever see's is Erik. Its starting to fuck with my head. Its starting to hurt.
I went to see my family yesterday. I can't help to think they read this blog and have started to feel bad for me. All the "i love yous and we are here for yous". But are you really? A good four years past where i was at my lowest and you weren't around then? But now that i spell it out for you in this blog, you understand me. I'm sorry, its not that easy. God, you should see me at these family gatherings, i feel like I'm oozing bullshit. I personally love it when the little kiddies ask me what kind of model i am and when family friends seem to sneak extra pictures of me cuz they don't know the truth yet. Oh what a disappointment i am.
I know this blog sounds so pathetic, and i am such a fucking broken record. its the same crying bullshit all the time from me. I'm sorry. I'm tired of it as much as you and i'm working on getting myself healthcare insurance, cuz i can't do this anymore. Something has finally clicked off and i dont think i'm gonna be able to turn it back on myself. My back is hurting from the weight thats on top of me and i just wanna breathe again. I dont wanna be this person anymore.
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