So I'm better.
Its back to my normal routine and i feel like I'm just play a game of catch up. I have put 10 pound back on so I'm not as depressed as i was earlier in the week but by no means do i feel happy go lucky. In fact i am just super pissed off at the world and as much as i would love a pull a Michael Douglas in one of my favorite movies "Falling Down", i have just simply been walking around in quiet contempt of everything and everyone. I been dreading simple conversations in the fear of just snapping. I can't help for reading most of this world as fake, i can't stand it.
Not to mention it seems like i have a whole new batch of readers that wanna save me, well let me be the first to say this is the wrong fucking time to reach out to me and trying to work your voodoo.
Maybe I'm bitter over me and Danny going our separate ways again? I don't think so. The fucking kid got mad at me for me yelling at a telemarketer who called my cell phone. Like, are you insane? What am i allowed to be pissed off at? I fucking allow people to invade my personal space every fucking day and i just let it pass cuz I'm trying to be nice, well fuck that and fuck him. Where do i draw the line or do i let myself suffer until there is not a single ounce of me left? I'm tired of being walked on, I'm tired of playing pussy boy. I refuse to sit here as the quiet whipping boy, while everyone gets what they want except me. I offer everything i got, right down to my last dollar and all i get in return is being told to shut up?
I can't. I have so much to say and no one to say it to, and you don't wanna listen? Then why the fuck do i need you in my life? I'll just cut you out like everyone else. I'm so much better alone... at least i keep trying to convince myself that. Maybe I'm not better alone but at least i know I'm better without you.
Sorry for that little rant. If you could see what a huge push over i could be, you would more than likely laugh at me. Obviously I'm tired of it, and honestly i could use someone new in my life. I watch a bunch of these other porn stars make you tube videos about there happy new love interests and i wonder to myself "why is it so hard for me". Granted i pick everyone to shreds in my head when I'm no prize pig myself. I can't help it. Maybe its just obvious that i have a couple storage units full of baggage and that's why people keep there distance? Maybe everyone is saying the same thing i say about them? Maybe these guys look at me and say, "shit i have nothing in common with him, so why waste my time". Granted if you are some pop diva worshipper, yeah keep your distance but i can tolerate alot, I dated a fucking cheerleader for Christ sake and they can almost technically be called inhuman.
*** In response to readers: I'm not the "why me" type. My comments are just based on frustration of not understanding simple human emotions. I'm not giving up though. I'm not going to bury my head in the sand and fly my white flag. This blog is basic inner monologue.
I don't know where this is going, i just felt like bitching, I'm done for now.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Sick
So I'm sick as fuck.
I been over working my body as of recently so I'm not to surprised recent fever, but it fucking sucks. I've been 103 for the last 2 days and it feel like my brain is melting in my head. My whole body is sore and every time i cough it feels like someone is kicking me in the head.
Honestly I'm surprised i have been sick for this long. I'm to strong for this. Anyways I'm upset, over the weight I'm losing due to the fact i can barely hold down a meal. I've run out of protein mix and i honestly don't have the strength to walk down to the corner and pick some up.
This always happens also, i bust my ass to get my weight up, only to get sick, lose the weight and struggle to put it back on. Sometimes i wished i didn't care.
Thankfully my ex Danny has been taking care of me. Nothing is worse than being sick all alone. He has honestly been so good to me, and i love him so much for it. Yeah, i might be the big strong tough guy but sometimes i need to be babied. It lets me know that at least someone cares. God its nice to know someone cares.
PS. Save the HIV asumptions and Danny comments to yourself. You guys are so predictable.
I been over working my body as of recently so I'm not to surprised recent fever, but it fucking sucks. I've been 103 for the last 2 days and it feel like my brain is melting in my head. My whole body is sore and every time i cough it feels like someone is kicking me in the head.
Honestly I'm surprised i have been sick for this long. I'm to strong for this. Anyways I'm upset, over the weight I'm losing due to the fact i can barely hold down a meal. I've run out of protein mix and i honestly don't have the strength to walk down to the corner and pick some up.
This always happens also, i bust my ass to get my weight up, only to get sick, lose the weight and struggle to put it back on. Sometimes i wished i didn't care.
Thankfully my ex Danny has been taking care of me. Nothing is worse than being sick all alone. He has honestly been so good to me, and i love him so much for it. Yeah, i might be the big strong tough guy but sometimes i need to be babied. It lets me know that at least someone cares. God its nice to know someone cares.
PS. Save the HIV asumptions and Danny comments to yourself. You guys are so predictable.
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Hello - Goodbye
its been awhile...
Jesus, for once i don't have much to say. My monotonous routine has me fucking brain dead again. Basically nothing has changed in my life except what the date is and it feel pretty sad. No sex and no drugs. Its doesn't feel like me. I feel watered down. I'm not exactly happy but I'm filling my time with enough nonsense to keep me from being depressed. I have almost mastered the skill of being able to crack a believable fake smile at a seconds notice and i think its probably the best skill one could ever obtain. It has been a great way to blend in and keep the topic off how miserable i have been. Its weird as much as i don't mind talking about my life on here i rather not talk about it in person. Which only makes it more weird since more and more people have been approaching me with printed out pieces of this blog looking to talk about it. It honestly makes me feel stupid and embarrassed.
It like trying to explain a train wreck. I don't know how i got here? I don't know why i do half the shit i do? To be honest i don't wanna know. I just wanna forget.
Anyways, in all my free sober and sexless time i have forced myself to consider change. Something that will better me as a person and hopefully break this stupid cycle of lows and extreme lows. My goal is now to meet myself somewhere in the middle. I'm tired of living in my own personal hell and I'm sure as shit i will never fit in, in heaven so Purgatory is cool with me. I think i have talked about it a couple times already, it just taking that first step. Waking up to a dead world at sunrise and starting over. Erik Rhodes is dead and I forget every part of that old life, like it was a bad dream I woke up in the middle of, saying "thank god that wasn't real". Its time to move on.
I have a few ideas of what i wanna do with myself that I'm semi excited about that should suite me. I really would like to talk about them but once i move on, I'm gonna move on and not look back. Sorry to say i don't think I'm gonna allow anyone to follow. Come on, if i end up working a 9-5 i doubt readers will wanna here me bitch about my cubical or how much i wanna kill my manager anyways.
You know Kurt Cobain was onto something, "its better to burn out than fade away". I understand it and respect it. I rather not be doing porn and writing a blog so long that slowly people lose interest. Jesus think if Nirvana was still around and what shit albums they might be making? But their not, cause Kurt pulled the plug at the right time. Hey, and that's life i guess, live and blend in or kill yourself when the time is right and be the voice of your generation.
I think it would be alot harder to deal with if i ended up being just another dick in the orgy scene, having vicious blogger writing i'm to old and washed up or even just knowing no one is listening cause i barely have anyone reading my blog. I'm smart enough to know i have hit my high note, i have made my mark and i think its time to walk away proudly... well as proud as i can given my lifestyle.
Jesus, for once i don't have much to say. My monotonous routine has me fucking brain dead again. Basically nothing has changed in my life except what the date is and it feel pretty sad. No sex and no drugs. Its doesn't feel like me. I feel watered down. I'm not exactly happy but I'm filling my time with enough nonsense to keep me from being depressed. I have almost mastered the skill of being able to crack a believable fake smile at a seconds notice and i think its probably the best skill one could ever obtain. It has been a great way to blend in and keep the topic off how miserable i have been. Its weird as much as i don't mind talking about my life on here i rather not talk about it in person. Which only makes it more weird since more and more people have been approaching me with printed out pieces of this blog looking to talk about it. It honestly makes me feel stupid and embarrassed.
It like trying to explain a train wreck. I don't know how i got here? I don't know why i do half the shit i do? To be honest i don't wanna know. I just wanna forget.
Anyways, in all my free sober and sexless time i have forced myself to consider change. Something that will better me as a person and hopefully break this stupid cycle of lows and extreme lows. My goal is now to meet myself somewhere in the middle. I'm tired of living in my own personal hell and I'm sure as shit i will never fit in, in heaven so Purgatory is cool with me. I think i have talked about it a couple times already, it just taking that first step. Waking up to a dead world at sunrise and starting over. Erik Rhodes is dead and I forget every part of that old life, like it was a bad dream I woke up in the middle of, saying "thank god that wasn't real". Its time to move on.
I have a few ideas of what i wanna do with myself that I'm semi excited about that should suite me. I really would like to talk about them but once i move on, I'm gonna move on and not look back. Sorry to say i don't think I'm gonna allow anyone to follow. Come on, if i end up working a 9-5 i doubt readers will wanna here me bitch about my cubical or how much i wanna kill my manager anyways.
You know Kurt Cobain was onto something, "its better to burn out than fade away". I understand it and respect it. I rather not be doing porn and writing a blog so long that slowly people lose interest. Jesus think if Nirvana was still around and what shit albums they might be making? But their not, cause Kurt pulled the plug at the right time. Hey, and that's life i guess, live and blend in or kill yourself when the time is right and be the voice of your generation.
I think it would be alot harder to deal with if i ended up being just another dick in the orgy scene, having vicious blogger writing i'm to old and washed up or even just knowing no one is listening cause i barely have anyone reading my blog. I'm smart enough to know i have hit my high note, i have made my mark and i think its time to walk away proudly... well as proud as i can given my lifestyle.
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