A Final Goodbye: All the things i forgot to say
I'm a broken record now but its hard to walk away without saying a few last things.
I'm sorry for who I am.
I'm sorry for who i couldn't be.
I know i said it a million times but i never wanted it to end.
I'm sorry for being to afraid to make the changes needed to make our relationship work.
I know i can say I'm sorry till I'm blue in the face and it will never be enough to make things better. But it goes deeper than me just losing a lover and a best friend but it feel like I'm losing my family. Its that certain sense of comfort that people search their whole lives for, and i had that, with you. That type of love is unmeasurable. Its something i never experienced until meeting you. And...
I know we weren't perfect, god know i personally never will be. But its all our flaws and all our personal quirks that complimented each other and made us strangely perfect for each other. Well at least in my eyes.
I guess the hardest part of walking away is losing all the little things i fell in love with. All those stupid little things you did that someone else might take for granted. I know i am the worst as showing emotions in person, but its all those little things that made my heart beats faster every time you did them. It those little thing that made me say to myself "god, this is why i love him". And now that your not here i regret not saying everything i was thinking. i regret not stealing enough kisses. I regret not saying i love you enough.
To keep it short and simple, I'm sorry for every tear, for every frown, for any second that you felt lonely. I'm sorry for ruining your life.
You have said to me so many times that you deserve better and its hard for me to admit it, but i agree.
My life will never be the same without you, i can only wish that your life is better without me.
I will never forget you
"we crack a smile and then our hands let go....."
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Answering questions to avoid being a one dimensional character:
What do i hate besides porn, music and the gym?
Well i think you missed the point somewhere, but i love the gym and music. I just hate my gym and a bunch of the silly faggots that go there. As for music, dude, music is my life, IBM not sure where you got that from. As for porn, yeah, i guess i hate porn.
As for what else i hate...damn there is alot and i could be here all day, so just keep reading I'm sure I'll hit on everything at some point or another.
What is the last book that i read?
I don't read books. My attention span just can't handle them. But i do read alot of magazines religiously. Blender (its like watching v-h1 but in magazine form) GQ (yet i still have no style beyond looking like a dude to old to be wearing band t-shirts and dressing like a skater. Yet, could i dress my ex and make him look amazing) Muscle and Fitness (obviously)
What city/country do i want to visit that i haven't?
Well i miss London and i always wanted to go to Berlin. And its funny cuz i planned on go to both in the near future with the traveling party called Hustlerball. The jobs required me to basically dance on stage naked, which i wasn't into, but i figured, if i got a free trip out of it and a performance fee, it would be worth it. Until they tell me the performance fee is 100 euro. Which was like slapping me in the face. After i read the performance contract also it said that i would also have to be shacked up with another model, which was also insulting. So i countered there cheap offer with agreeing to the rate but i would require my own room. They cheaply denied me. Cheap fucks. Sorry London and Berlin, maybe I'll see you in the future.
What do i think about religion?
I think the world likes playing a big game a make believe. Jesus was an early version of David Blaine. I pity the people that dedicate there lives to something has been completely disproven.
Vitamins?
I take so many vitamins and supplements its crazy.
I guess I'll just list them: Whey and Casein Protein, Creatine, BCAA's, NO, Glutimine, Eurycoma Longifolia Jack, Forskolin, 6,17 Keto, 6-oxo, Phosphatidylserine, Taurine, blah blah blah.
(i give up on the rest of the questions, lol)
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Dryspell
Home from Vegas
I am trying really hard to not sink back into depression but nothing seems to be working. I really expected Vegas and the trip to be something it wasn't. I mean, yeah i did have alittle bit of fun but it just seemed to be missing something. I think its because my heart is not in porn anymore, its lost all the excitement that it used to have and now its just like having a 9-5. Like when that alarm clock goes off at 8am and you just wish you were dead, well its kinda the same way here except throw some naked guys in the mix. Its like going thru the motions and hoping no one notices that you are completely somewhere else in your head. Wishing it was over. Wishing it was all over.
The funny thing about a 9-5 is that at 5 o'clock, people are happy to get off and go home and be with the people they care about, when i punch my time card, there is nothing to go to. There is no one waiting.
God i'm miserable.
Oh and i'm also over the readers of this blog that cant take a fucking joke and don't wanna listen to my opinions. If you hate what i'm saying, dont fucking read this. Its that simple. I'm over saying "i'm right handed" and all the left handed people scream "Kill erik rhodes, he is a whore for being right handed". Its so stupid it makes my head spin.
It funny the more I hate doing porn the more it likes me:
According to AVN:
Top 100 Gay/Bi Sales & Rentals
1. Fleet Week
2. Winter Heat
3. Head Hunters Inc.
4. Telescope
5. Hollywood Sex Club
I am trying really hard to not sink back into depression but nothing seems to be working. I really expected Vegas and the trip to be something it wasn't. I mean, yeah i did have alittle bit of fun but it just seemed to be missing something. I think its because my heart is not in porn anymore, its lost all the excitement that it used to have and now its just like having a 9-5. Like when that alarm clock goes off at 8am and you just wish you were dead, well its kinda the same way here except throw some naked guys in the mix. Its like going thru the motions and hoping no one notices that you are completely somewhere else in your head. Wishing it was over. Wishing it was all over.
The funny thing about a 9-5 is that at 5 o'clock, people are happy to get off and go home and be with the people they care about, when i punch my time card, there is nothing to go to. There is no one waiting.
God i'm miserable.
Oh and i'm also over the readers of this blog that cant take a fucking joke and don't wanna listen to my opinions. If you hate what i'm saying, dont fucking read this. Its that simple. I'm over saying "i'm right handed" and all the left handed people scream "Kill erik rhodes, he is a whore for being right handed". Its so stupid it makes my head spin.
It funny the more I hate doing porn the more it likes me:
According to AVN:
Top 100 Gay/Bi Sales & Rentals
1. Fleet Week
2. Winter Heat
3. Head Hunters Inc.
4. Telescope
5. Hollywood Sex Club
Sunday, June 8, 2008
Go back to sleep
I don't know about you but i'm fucking over that last blog....
I'm in Vegas now, shooting a film. This is my first time here and i think i will be my last, at least personally, work is another story.
I'm not sure what the big deal is but, it just seems like a tourist hell in the middle of a desert. Who the fuck would wanna live in a place where your main and only attraction is one street that is flooded with purple haired women, and white trash.
Hey but its got its live shows right? I mean, i sware i just might throw a bitch fit if i dont get to see Rosanne Bar or Carrot Top while i'm here.
Fuck this place.
However, i think i found a great way to get my Vegas fix without losing hundreds of dollars gambling or seeing Celine Dion,( is that silly bitch still here?)
anyways
I wanna hire a Hooker. A female one. But not to fuck her. I would Get all the Falcon models and place her in the center of the room and just spit all over her. ANd not just watered down pussy spit, but full on luggies. You know, the thick yellow ones you cough up in the morning. those ones. We can even film it and be the next big sensation like 2girls1cup, but it will be "5 falcon guys 1 hooker covered in phelm". Get some good slowmo shots of big clams spalshing her in the face. All we need is like 30 mins, i'm sure everyone would get their fill.
Fuck, sounds like a good time to me.
MAybe tomorrow. If i remember. goodnight.
I'm in Vegas now, shooting a film. This is my first time here and i think i will be my last, at least personally, work is another story.
I'm not sure what the big deal is but, it just seems like a tourist hell in the middle of a desert. Who the fuck would wanna live in a place where your main and only attraction is one street that is flooded with purple haired women, and white trash.
Hey but its got its live shows right? I mean, i sware i just might throw a bitch fit if i dont get to see Rosanne Bar or Carrot Top while i'm here.
Fuck this place.
However, i think i found a great way to get my Vegas fix without losing hundreds of dollars gambling or seeing Celine Dion,( is that silly bitch still here?)
anyways
I wanna hire a Hooker. A female one. But not to fuck her. I would Get all the Falcon models and place her in the center of the room and just spit all over her. ANd not just watered down pussy spit, but full on luggies. You know, the thick yellow ones you cough up in the morning. those ones. We can even film it and be the next big sensation like 2girls1cup, but it will be "5 falcon guys 1 hooker covered in phelm". Get some good slowmo shots of big clams spalshing her in the face. All we need is like 30 mins, i'm sure everyone would get their fill.
Fuck, sounds like a good time to me.
MAybe tomorrow. If i remember. goodnight.
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Annoyed (updated)
I am beginning to become more and more frustrated with my overly gay gym.
I love my gym but the more I see men flat out dancing in the mirror like they are at their own personal dance club, its INFURIATING. I sit and watch them and envision myself taking a 25 pound plate, knocking them on the floor mid dance step and bashing there brain out of there skull. I laugh to myself with the thought. Today i almost lost it. But came up with a possible solution to my problem without having to go up to the person as say "dude, you need to stop".
It pretty ingenuous if you ask me...I think i will have business cards made up that say "You look like an asshole". So when i see that flamer start practicing his dance moves in-between work outs, i can simply walk over to him and hand him the card and walk away. Problem solved.
I also hate watching a guy throw punches into a mirror as if he was getting ready for a prize fight. What make a guy all of a sudden think they are a fighter after lifting weights for 20 mins? Does he think that someone is going to see him, and think he is a bad ass, a force to reckoned with, an ultimate fighter? I'm sure as soon as someone got in his face, ready to fight him he would run away so fast he stir up a dust cloud like he was in a cartoon. Not to mention again, that this is a gay gym, i would understand it better if the guy went up to the mirror and started slapping it. Then i would say "girl-friend is getting ready for a fight". Anyways I would give this guy the card also.
-------------------------------------------------------
I knew i would get crucified for this post. I was going to write a paragraph saying to please not confuse this for me having en ego, thinking that i think I'm perfect or anything like that. I just think people should follow a certain gym edicit. Don't sing and dance, don't pretend to be training for a title fight, don't treat the gym like its your only way of socializing. You know your gonna see all these fags at the bar later so stop wasting everyone elses time. Oh and please leave your fucking fetish gear at home. I yelled at a guy today who i saw taking off his cock ring after leaving the sauna. It fucking pisses me off that i pay to be in an inviorment that other fags treat like a fucking bathhouse.
Its just that simple. I'm not saying you need to look like me to enjoy your life. Be fat, be skinny, be fat skinny, take steroids and look gross, its your fucking life, but if you come to the gym i work out at and don't want me, and the other people who take working out seriously to think your an asshole then take what i wrote to heart. God, some of you guys are even more emotional then me, fucking sissies.
I love my gym but the more I see men flat out dancing in the mirror like they are at their own personal dance club, its INFURIATING. I sit and watch them and envision myself taking a 25 pound plate, knocking them on the floor mid dance step and bashing there brain out of there skull. I laugh to myself with the thought. Today i almost lost it. But came up with a possible solution to my problem without having to go up to the person as say "dude, you need to stop".
It pretty ingenuous if you ask me...I think i will have business cards made up that say "You look like an asshole". So when i see that flamer start practicing his dance moves in-between work outs, i can simply walk over to him and hand him the card and walk away. Problem solved.
I also hate watching a guy throw punches into a mirror as if he was getting ready for a prize fight. What make a guy all of a sudden think they are a fighter after lifting weights for 20 mins? Does he think that someone is going to see him, and think he is a bad ass, a force to reckoned with, an ultimate fighter? I'm sure as soon as someone got in his face, ready to fight him he would run away so fast he stir up a dust cloud like he was in a cartoon. Not to mention again, that this is a gay gym, i would understand it better if the guy went up to the mirror and started slapping it. Then i would say "girl-friend is getting ready for a fight". Anyways I would give this guy the card also.
-------------------------------------------------------
I knew i would get crucified for this post. I was going to write a paragraph saying to please not confuse this for me having en ego, thinking that i think I'm perfect or anything like that. I just think people should follow a certain gym edicit. Don't sing and dance, don't pretend to be training for a title fight, don't treat the gym like its your only way of socializing. You know your gonna see all these fags at the bar later so stop wasting everyone elses time. Oh and please leave your fucking fetish gear at home. I yelled at a guy today who i saw taking off his cock ring after leaving the sauna. It fucking pisses me off that i pay to be in an inviorment that other fags treat like a fucking bathhouse.
Its just that simple. I'm not saying you need to look like me to enjoy your life. Be fat, be skinny, be fat skinny, take steroids and look gross, its your fucking life, but if you come to the gym i work out at and don't want me, and the other people who take working out seriously to think your an asshole then take what i wrote to heart. God, some of you guys are even more emotional then me, fucking sissies.
Monday, June 2, 2008
Shoot me down.
I just got back from Boston today...
I swear i feel like a saint. I dont know if i'm doing it for my ex boyfriends approval but i have gone out of my way to not hook up with anyone. Granted i spent most of my weekend in a paranoid cloud, floating around Boston with all the painkiller i was taking but the painkiller are not the issue between us. Its me being a "whore" as he frequently calls me.
As soon as i get home, I'm lonely. I need comfort from someone and i look towards him. When i get home from these events he looks at me as if i'm just getting home from an orgy. I try to explain to him that i haven't done anything, that honestly i havent been in the mood and even if i was, i persoanlly want more than just another meaningless hook up. But he doesnt want to hear it, he is already to far gone in hating me that he can't go back. He tries sometimes, but it only last a few hours and then i transform back into the enemy. Its so weird, but i can almost watch the change in his eyes, i can see it and i still dont run. Its just me being stupid again, i wait around until i'm asked, or screamed at to leave. Its like clockwork. Anyways i find us arguing about issues we had in the first month of our relationship when i had a slip- up using meth. Yeah i know it hurt him, but at what point do you try to see past it? He can't. He can't see past the little things and see the whole picture. He can't see a future, when all these thing wont matter anymore. When its back to just me and him.
I'm losing the drive to put in the man-hours needed to fix this broken machine. My hands are greesy and bleeding and i'm tired, i'm doing overtime now and i wanna give up and not look back.
No more looking for comfort. No more looking for his approval. No more caring at all. I don't wish death on him but, i wish for a life free from him.
Which lead me to my next thought. I am considering discontinuing this blog. Its has let to many people invade my life. Yes, i have come across some great people and have gotten some great advice and whatnot, but it has also attracted freaks. People that read this and think that they are going to save me, or they think that i'm perfect for them. Calling my cell phone, asking me on dates thru myspace. Yes its all flattering but if anyone reads this close enough, they would know that is far from what i want. I dont want someone to come into my life with the intensions of saving me, i rather have someone coming in my life and save me without him even knowing it.
Nothing is set in stone yet, but its making me lose the drive to keep writing. I'm tired of giving the freaks ammunition for them to think they acually know me. Like this past weekend, this kid comes up to me and say he knows me and we have a connection. I figured i had met him somewhere in the past. Anyway as i watch the kid go from normal to crazy i start asking questions and basically, he says he know me since he reads my blog and that he relates to me. All i could think is that crazy people relate to me. Lets be honest, i dont need anymore crazy people in my life.
I been kinda depressed lately and i blame myself. I been using painkillers as my current crutch. I was doing so good to but all these appearances and shit... i need something to make myself feel normal, something to help me feel okay with all the attention. To be honest it really hasnt been working cuz i take to much and make my normal time go from feeling ok to straight up paranoid, then from paranoid to me throwing up all over my nice hotel room at the Marriot. To needing an ambien to make me pass out.
Then when i wake up in the morning, feeling like death in a room that looks like britney spears was hanging out with me and i have no one to get comfort from. Its just lonely me sitting in my own personal hell. And when i think it cant get much worse that asshole who just found my blog and is now infactuated with me, calls me looking for a date, I fight with him and his pure stupidity for not seeing how asking me on a date after reading my blog is exactly what i'm not looking to get out of writing my thoughts, he doesnt get it... these are the days i couldnt hate life much more then i do right now.
I swear i feel like a saint. I dont know if i'm doing it for my ex boyfriends approval but i have gone out of my way to not hook up with anyone. Granted i spent most of my weekend in a paranoid cloud, floating around Boston with all the painkiller i was taking but the painkiller are not the issue between us. Its me being a "whore" as he frequently calls me.
As soon as i get home, I'm lonely. I need comfort from someone and i look towards him. When i get home from these events he looks at me as if i'm just getting home from an orgy. I try to explain to him that i haven't done anything, that honestly i havent been in the mood and even if i was, i persoanlly want more than just another meaningless hook up. But he doesnt want to hear it, he is already to far gone in hating me that he can't go back. He tries sometimes, but it only last a few hours and then i transform back into the enemy. Its so weird, but i can almost watch the change in his eyes, i can see it and i still dont run. Its just me being stupid again, i wait around until i'm asked, or screamed at to leave. Its like clockwork. Anyways i find us arguing about issues we had in the first month of our relationship when i had a slip- up using meth. Yeah i know it hurt him, but at what point do you try to see past it? He can't. He can't see past the little things and see the whole picture. He can't see a future, when all these thing wont matter anymore. When its back to just me and him.
I'm losing the drive to put in the man-hours needed to fix this broken machine. My hands are greesy and bleeding and i'm tired, i'm doing overtime now and i wanna give up and not look back.
No more looking for comfort. No more looking for his approval. No more caring at all. I don't wish death on him but, i wish for a life free from him.
Which lead me to my next thought. I am considering discontinuing this blog. Its has let to many people invade my life. Yes, i have come across some great people and have gotten some great advice and whatnot, but it has also attracted freaks. People that read this and think that they are going to save me, or they think that i'm perfect for them. Calling my cell phone, asking me on dates thru myspace. Yes its all flattering but if anyone reads this close enough, they would know that is far from what i want. I dont want someone to come into my life with the intensions of saving me, i rather have someone coming in my life and save me without him even knowing it.
Nothing is set in stone yet, but its making me lose the drive to keep writing. I'm tired of giving the freaks ammunition for them to think they acually know me. Like this past weekend, this kid comes up to me and say he knows me and we have a connection. I figured i had met him somewhere in the past. Anyway as i watch the kid go from normal to crazy i start asking questions and basically, he says he know me since he reads my blog and that he relates to me. All i could think is that crazy people relate to me. Lets be honest, i dont need anymore crazy people in my life.
I been kinda depressed lately and i blame myself. I been using painkillers as my current crutch. I was doing so good to but all these appearances and shit... i need something to make myself feel normal, something to help me feel okay with all the attention. To be honest it really hasnt been working cuz i take to much and make my normal time go from feeling ok to straight up paranoid, then from paranoid to me throwing up all over my nice hotel room at the Marriot. To needing an ambien to make me pass out.
Then when i wake up in the morning, feeling like death in a room that looks like britney spears was hanging out with me and i have no one to get comfort from. Its just lonely me sitting in my own personal hell. And when i think it cant get much worse that asshole who just found my blog and is now infactuated with me, calls me looking for a date, I fight with him and his pure stupidity for not seeing how asking me on a date after reading my blog is exactly what i'm not looking to get out of writing my thoughts, he doesnt get it... these are the days i couldnt hate life much more then i do right now.
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