Just checking in...
So my life has been pretty boring lately. Its all just same shit new day. But i'm happy. I haven't even had my typical ups and downs and crazy mood swings. I've just been pretty mellow. No self abusive behavior. No drugs. Just James, the gym and alot of bad TV.
I think i've finally come to terms with being single and not needing someone else in my life just to get by. Granted i have met someone special, but i refuse to force anything. Just take it at all face value to avoid jealousies and all that other bullshit i dont need in my life. The best comment i've heard lately is "The only person that will never leave you is you" and that what i'm gonna live by. I need to be happy with who i am before i can be happy with someone else. But to be honest, i am pretty content with who i'm becoming.
A am thrilled that as each day goes by that the end of my porn career creeps closer. I'm questioning what is going to come next but i'm not scared. I'm actually pretty excited. The thought of having a real, steady life, is sounding better and better. I'm gonna accept it with open arms. I'm not impressed with the work that i have done so far, i'm sure in time i will be.
I guess thats all for now. Sorry i been so boring.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Love, Life, Stress and Set Backs.
No matter where i stood, i still manage to stand.
I know i'm annoying. I know that i have more ups and downs than a see-saw. Lets just say that i have the worse case of Man-PMS known to man. But i'm fucking happy. The majority of it due to the guy that i have been seeing.
He single handedly has had my face hurting from all the smiling i have been doing. Its silly puppy love, i know, but it feels fucking good. I mean, you know maybe its to early to tell if we are completely compatiable, but the way he looks at me like he couldn't be happier to be with me is enough to have me completely hooked.
I'm not sure where this is going or if i'm even ready for another relationship just yet, cuz lets face it, i'm alot to deal with, but this is what i should be doing, taking things slow, enjoying life, having good people around me.
Hey maybe he will even distarct me enough this weekend from getting totally fucked up. I haven't tested those waters yet. I don't know if i wanna fuck up something i been enjoying so much by getting high. I guess well see how deep the hooks are set in on friday. I can actually hear the GHB in my fridge screaming to drink me. LOL. Kidding, maybe.
So on an even better note, I will be seeing the Hip Hop Group Atmosphere on sunday and i'm so fucking excited. The last time i was supposed to see them i ended up getting into a fight before the show and breaking some dudes face, spending some time in jail and fighting the court over 6 month stint behind bars.
What seemed like an eternity on probation and thousands and thousands of dollars later they are back into town and i completely intend on seeing them this time. I'll save the fighting for after the show. Motherfuckers better bring their retard helmets!
I know i'm annoying. I know that i have more ups and downs than a see-saw. Lets just say that i have the worse case of Man-PMS known to man. But i'm fucking happy. The majority of it due to the guy that i have been seeing.
He single handedly has had my face hurting from all the smiling i have been doing. Its silly puppy love, i know, but it feels fucking good. I mean, you know maybe its to early to tell if we are completely compatiable, but the way he looks at me like he couldn't be happier to be with me is enough to have me completely hooked.
I'm not sure where this is going or if i'm even ready for another relationship just yet, cuz lets face it, i'm alot to deal with, but this is what i should be doing, taking things slow, enjoying life, having good people around me.
Hey maybe he will even distarct me enough this weekend from getting totally fucked up. I haven't tested those waters yet. I don't know if i wanna fuck up something i been enjoying so much by getting high. I guess well see how deep the hooks are set in on friday. I can actually hear the GHB in my fridge screaming to drink me. LOL. Kidding, maybe.
So on an even better note, I will be seeing the Hip Hop Group Atmosphere on sunday and i'm so fucking excited. The last time i was supposed to see them i ended up getting into a fight before the show and breaking some dudes face, spending some time in jail and fighting the court over 6 month stint behind bars.
What seemed like an eternity on probation and thousands and thousands of dollars later they are back into town and i completely intend on seeing them this time. I'll save the fighting for after the show. Motherfuckers better bring their retard helmets!
Monday, April 21, 2008
They're All Gonna Laugh @ You
Back on track...
So again, i'm sorry to leave everyone hanging, but i have just been keeping myself busy, doing absolutely nothing important.
To be honest, i tried to write something over this weekend but my brain was way to fried to do anything. It was my best friends 30th b-day so this whole weekend i was trainwreck. I think both nights i went out, i made an ass out of myself. You know its already bad enough that where ever i go, i stick out like a sore thumb, but then to stick out while stumbling all over the club or to be sitting in the corner of the place drooling on myself. I think i intentionally set out to make myself look like a pure fuck up. Almost every weekend, i question my reasoning of even going out. I tell myself, "Maybe you'll meet someone, but you know your gonna get way to fucked up to even talk with anyone,so why go?" I end up going out anyway, and the end result is always the same. I get nothing out of it. I just end up getting hit on by disgusting super fans or the scumbags that seek out the most fucked up guy in the club in hope that he will be an easy lay.
And then when i'm not that fucked up i'm told that i have an ego, that i think i'm better than everyone... funniest thing is that i don't, i'm just trying my best to fit in. Why do you think i need the drugs? It hopefully so i can relax and not be the social retard that i am normally.
Fuck it, I'm sure i'll figure it all out soon enough.
Anyway this weekend took forever because i was really waiting for today. I am supposed to hangout with this guy again (the toes curling sex guy from the previous blog) and i'm really excited. I don't have to get high or pretend around him and i feel totally comfortable. The last time we hung out, i just held him as we watched TV and i couldnt have been happier. I didn't want him to leave. You know, i'd give up every single shitty weekend just to have more boring yet happy nights like that in my life.
I sure he might actually get bored to tears tonight cuz i dont have much planned with him tonight beyond cuddling with him and trying to learn everything i can about him. To be honest i don't even know how the guy feels, and what his intentions are with me, but i hoping that they are similar mine... just taking it slow and enjoying the possibility of things going in a better direction.
Well, he just sent me a text mesaage saying how excited he is to hang out with me, the smile on my face is from ear to ear.
So again, i'm sorry to leave everyone hanging, but i have just been keeping myself busy, doing absolutely nothing important.
To be honest, i tried to write something over this weekend but my brain was way to fried to do anything. It was my best friends 30th b-day so this whole weekend i was trainwreck. I think both nights i went out, i made an ass out of myself. You know its already bad enough that where ever i go, i stick out like a sore thumb, but then to stick out while stumbling all over the club or to be sitting in the corner of the place drooling on myself. I think i intentionally set out to make myself look like a pure fuck up. Almost every weekend, i question my reasoning of even going out. I tell myself, "Maybe you'll meet someone, but you know your gonna get way to fucked up to even talk with anyone,so why go?" I end up going out anyway, and the end result is always the same. I get nothing out of it. I just end up getting hit on by disgusting super fans or the scumbags that seek out the most fucked up guy in the club in hope that he will be an easy lay.
And then when i'm not that fucked up i'm told that i have an ego, that i think i'm better than everyone... funniest thing is that i don't, i'm just trying my best to fit in. Why do you think i need the drugs? It hopefully so i can relax and not be the social retard that i am normally.
Fuck it, I'm sure i'll figure it all out soon enough.
Anyway this weekend took forever because i was really waiting for today. I am supposed to hangout with this guy again (the toes curling sex guy from the previous blog) and i'm really excited. I don't have to get high or pretend around him and i feel totally comfortable. The last time we hung out, i just held him as we watched TV and i couldnt have been happier. I didn't want him to leave. You know, i'd give up every single shitty weekend just to have more boring yet happy nights like that in my life.
I sure he might actually get bored to tears tonight cuz i dont have much planned with him tonight beyond cuddling with him and trying to learn everything i can about him. To be honest i don't even know how the guy feels, and what his intentions are with me, but i hoping that they are similar mine... just taking it slow and enjoying the possibility of things going in a better direction.
Well, he just sent me a text mesaage saying how excited he is to hang out with me, the smile on my face is from ear to ear.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Moving Mountains
It feels like i'm trying to move mountains...
Once again I'm fighting being alone. Yeah i had alot to be happy about in my last blog but its still fucking rough. There still so much to get used to. A few days go by and everything seems to be just fine, but then i wake up this morning and something feels like its missing, and i feel like shit. I'm still having nightmares.
I would be lying if doing drugs to help me feel better hasn't crossed my mind. I think its even gotten to the point where if i was going to do them i would totally lie to readers saying i wasn't. Its funny, in "The Secret" it basically says that you attracted what you think about, well yesterday on my morning walk to get groceries i find about a gram and a half of cocaine right on the fucking street. I stopped myself and said " what are the fucking odds". Its not like i even live in a seedy part of town , its actually really nice over here. To first find 20 something bags of heroine and now a bag of coke. How is that not god fucking with me? Why can't god let me find a 2 liter bottle of GHB. I think maybe in all my free time i should walk around in my general area sniffing half full 7-up bottles to see if i find something i actually want this time.
So i guess something else that has me kinda upset, maybe not upset but frustrated is the fact that i am way to shy to take any connection that i have made with any guy i have hooked up with past sex. The sex is the easy part, its everything else that i suck at. Its just inviting someone over to talk and hang out that i can't seem to handle. I just think when i talk to someone and they start to listen to how fucked up i am that it will just ruin everything. I guess I'm scared of rejection. And lets face it as soon as i start giving someone my back round, if i could only read someones mind I'm sure all i would hear "holy fuck, this guy is not worth all this"
I guess i don't know the first thing about love, i just know how to dig my own grave.
One final personal note to Danny:
During our last argument online, i had lied to you about stuff i was doing during the time we had started talking with each other again. It was said out of anger and said to make you mad. I realize now that as much as it felt good at the time that i was just making myself look bad. I do not wanna get back together but i do not want a lie to be your the last impression of me. I have stayed pretty good friends with all my ex's and i don't think you should be any different. I do wish you the best for you. that's it.
"And after all of this I am amazed, That I am cursed far more than I am praised" ~Dustin Kensrue
Once again I'm fighting being alone. Yeah i had alot to be happy about in my last blog but its still fucking rough. There still so much to get used to. A few days go by and everything seems to be just fine, but then i wake up this morning and something feels like its missing, and i feel like shit. I'm still having nightmares.
I would be lying if doing drugs to help me feel better hasn't crossed my mind. I think its even gotten to the point where if i was going to do them i would totally lie to readers saying i wasn't. Its funny, in "The Secret" it basically says that you attracted what you think about, well yesterday on my morning walk to get groceries i find about a gram and a half of cocaine right on the fucking street. I stopped myself and said " what are the fucking odds". Its not like i even live in a seedy part of town , its actually really nice over here. To first find 20 something bags of heroine and now a bag of coke. How is that not god fucking with me? Why can't god let me find a 2 liter bottle of GHB. I think maybe in all my free time i should walk around in my general area sniffing half full 7-up bottles to see if i find something i actually want this time.
So i guess something else that has me kinda upset, maybe not upset but frustrated is the fact that i am way to shy to take any connection that i have made with any guy i have hooked up with past sex. The sex is the easy part, its everything else that i suck at. Its just inviting someone over to talk and hang out that i can't seem to handle. I just think when i talk to someone and they start to listen to how fucked up i am that it will just ruin everything. I guess I'm scared of rejection. And lets face it as soon as i start giving someone my back round, if i could only read someones mind I'm sure all i would hear "holy fuck, this guy is not worth all this"
I guess i don't know the first thing about love, i just know how to dig my own grave.
One final personal note to Danny:
During our last argument online, i had lied to you about stuff i was doing during the time we had started talking with each other again. It was said out of anger and said to make you mad. I realize now that as much as it felt good at the time that i was just making myself look bad. I do not wanna get back together but i do not want a lie to be your the last impression of me. I have stayed pretty good friends with all my ex's and i don't think you should be any different. I do wish you the best for you. that's it.
"And after all of this I am amazed, That I am cursed far more than I am praised" ~Dustin Kensrue
Sunday, April 13, 2008
The Happy Post
I'm more surprised than you...
You know, its crazy but i am so fucking happy lately. I'm not sure why, i think its a bunch of things.
Thanks to my diet and healthy living i would say that my body is looking the best it has in years. Working out and my body is my obsession yet, I'm never satisfied with the way i look. This is the first time in awhile that i have been able to stop and compliment myself. That is huge for me. Granted i still feel i have a long way to go on the look i wanna accomplish. I'm just happy i am heading in the right direction.
I think the second thing that has me pretty happy is that i am adjusting to the single lifestyle pretty easily. Take yesterday for instance, I had an amazing brunch date with a great guy, worked out and was approached in the gym by a guy i always enjoy looking at for a date, which i agreed to, then later that night i had a great hook up with a strikingly beautiful muscle twink bottom that had my toes curling even after he left. I was fucking glowing. Then later i hung out with friends at a seedy sex/underwear party for shits and giggles. No one there to hold me back, nothing nagging me, no one saying, "James, your a whore for enjoying this". I finally feel like that weight that me tied to the bottom of the ocean has been lifted and I'm finally floating to the surface to breathe again. Not only can i breathe again but i can float whichever way i fucking choose.
Its also kinda funny, that when things started going bad with Danny, i had about 3 kids throwing themselves at me to be my next boyfriend. At the time i was even considering dating one of them out of pure desperation to avoid being alone. But that would just be another mistake and who knows, it could have possibly been another wasted year of my life. I'm okay being alone right now, which is shocking. My pillows have been great snuggle buddies for me. That's all i need is me right now, and its such a great feeling.
I have finally let go. I didn't know that it would be so nice.
You know, its crazy but i am so fucking happy lately. I'm not sure why, i think its a bunch of things.
Thanks to my diet and healthy living i would say that my body is looking the best it has in years. Working out and my body is my obsession yet, I'm never satisfied with the way i look. This is the first time in awhile that i have been able to stop and compliment myself. That is huge for me. Granted i still feel i have a long way to go on the look i wanna accomplish. I'm just happy i am heading in the right direction.
I think the second thing that has me pretty happy is that i am adjusting to the single lifestyle pretty easily. Take yesterday for instance, I had an amazing brunch date with a great guy, worked out and was approached in the gym by a guy i always enjoy looking at for a date, which i agreed to, then later that night i had a great hook up with a strikingly beautiful muscle twink bottom that had my toes curling even after he left. I was fucking glowing. Then later i hung out with friends at a seedy sex/underwear party for shits and giggles. No one there to hold me back, nothing nagging me, no one saying, "James, your a whore for enjoying this". I finally feel like that weight that me tied to the bottom of the ocean has been lifted and I'm finally floating to the surface to breathe again. Not only can i breathe again but i can float whichever way i fucking choose.
Its also kinda funny, that when things started going bad with Danny, i had about 3 kids throwing themselves at me to be my next boyfriend. At the time i was even considering dating one of them out of pure desperation to avoid being alone. But that would just be another mistake and who knows, it could have possibly been another wasted year of my life. I'm okay being alone right now, which is shocking. My pillows have been great snuggle buddies for me. That's all i need is me right now, and its such a great feeling.
I have finally let go. I didn't know that it would be so nice.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
I got my mind made up, I'm walking away.
I feel fucking crazy again.
All that keeps going thru my head is one of this blogs readers definition of insanity: repeating the same mistakes thinking there will be a different outcome.
Well my mistake is trying to rekindle a toxic relationship with my ex.
You know it was kinda nice the first week or so but as of this past weekend we just fast forwarded back at the low point in our failed relationship. Now its time to cut ties with him for good.
I let the first couple mini-arguments roll of my back because i understand he would more than likely have alot of resentment toward me after our break up because my not so discreet blogging. It seemed like each morning after a fight we both would try to reconnect and make things work. Later that night i would find myself back at his apartment like nothing happened. We would forget about anything that happened during our time alone and we would try to be the people we were before thing headed downhill. Well at least i would.
I realize now, that any fight would occur as soon as i opened my mouth. If i just sat there and looked pretty and played with the dogs, everything was fine. But as soon as i had something to say or had an opinion on any topic, Danny's head would spin like the fucking exorcist and then he would threaten to call the cops if i didn't leave. I would go home and tell myself, "this is not worth it, he is not worth it". Then morning would come and i would get a text like nothing happened and like the sucker i am, i would fall back in, forgetting the fact that i honestly did believe he wasn't worth it for the hopes of maybe not being single, maybe reigniting that spark we had in the beginning or maybe just because i liked hanging out with the dogs. I don't know, maybe i just wasn't ready to let go. Well.... I am now.
Last night was it. I with hesitation went over his place again last night even with the threat of being escorted out by the cops the night before. I acted like nothing happened. I went over but i kept my distance. He tried to get all cute with me and I told him he was being a dick to me, he crawled over and cuddled with me, he said " am i being a dick now" and i said "no, but just wait. i don't think you can help it when you turn into the girl from the exorcist" Was i ever right.
We began to have a conversation which i wont go into detail about just to save Danny face. Danny tried to not listen to anything i said and began to yell at me to shut up without even hearing me. After years and years of studying and researching this topic apparently my advice was still shit to him and i wasn't worth listening to. It was insulting. It was frustrating and after weeks of fighting without defending myself and running away like a bitch i started to get loud. This was my breaking point. I was tired of playing bitch to make this kid happy. I was tired of kissing his ass as he played me like a fool. He asked me to leave again or he was calling the cops. I left right away and plan on never returning.
Ultimately, this was for the better. The more he argued with me the more i said to myself that "this kid is not worth it". I found myself not attracted to him at all and then to keep threatening me with the cops, come on, that is not love at all. Over our little time back with each other he served up that threat 3 times. Power trip? I think so. It's clearly a trailer trash move , which is exactly how i see him now. I'm sure that's how he See's himself or should. Dress yourself up in all the fancy designer cloths you can afford, but you can't hide what your truly are. I see that now. I'm sorry it took so long.
I am happy to say that this chapter in my life is finally over. This time i'm gonna be okay. There is no emotions left, there is nothing holding me back. I don't feel like a failure giving up, cause i tried. In the words of Trent Reznor "I tried, I gave up, Throw It away". Our time together was closure. Its exactly what i needed to move forward in my life.
All that keeps going thru my head is one of this blogs readers definition of insanity: repeating the same mistakes thinking there will be a different outcome.
Well my mistake is trying to rekindle a toxic relationship with my ex.
You know it was kinda nice the first week or so but as of this past weekend we just fast forwarded back at the low point in our failed relationship. Now its time to cut ties with him for good.
I let the first couple mini-arguments roll of my back because i understand he would more than likely have alot of resentment toward me after our break up because my not so discreet blogging. It seemed like each morning after a fight we both would try to reconnect and make things work. Later that night i would find myself back at his apartment like nothing happened. We would forget about anything that happened during our time alone and we would try to be the people we were before thing headed downhill. Well at least i would.
I realize now, that any fight would occur as soon as i opened my mouth. If i just sat there and looked pretty and played with the dogs, everything was fine. But as soon as i had something to say or had an opinion on any topic, Danny's head would spin like the fucking exorcist and then he would threaten to call the cops if i didn't leave. I would go home and tell myself, "this is not worth it, he is not worth it". Then morning would come and i would get a text like nothing happened and like the sucker i am, i would fall back in, forgetting the fact that i honestly did believe he wasn't worth it for the hopes of maybe not being single, maybe reigniting that spark we had in the beginning or maybe just because i liked hanging out with the dogs. I don't know, maybe i just wasn't ready to let go. Well.... I am now.
Last night was it. I with hesitation went over his place again last night even with the threat of being escorted out by the cops the night before. I acted like nothing happened. I went over but i kept my distance. He tried to get all cute with me and I told him he was being a dick to me, he crawled over and cuddled with me, he said " am i being a dick now" and i said "no, but just wait. i don't think you can help it when you turn into the girl from the exorcist" Was i ever right.
We began to have a conversation which i wont go into detail about just to save Danny face. Danny tried to not listen to anything i said and began to yell at me to shut up without even hearing me. After years and years of studying and researching this topic apparently my advice was still shit to him and i wasn't worth listening to. It was insulting. It was frustrating and after weeks of fighting without defending myself and running away like a bitch i started to get loud. This was my breaking point. I was tired of playing bitch to make this kid happy. I was tired of kissing his ass as he played me like a fool. He asked me to leave again or he was calling the cops. I left right away and plan on never returning.
Ultimately, this was for the better. The more he argued with me the more i said to myself that "this kid is not worth it". I found myself not attracted to him at all and then to keep threatening me with the cops, come on, that is not love at all. Over our little time back with each other he served up that threat 3 times. Power trip? I think so. It's clearly a trailer trash move , which is exactly how i see him now. I'm sure that's how he See's himself or should. Dress yourself up in all the fancy designer cloths you can afford, but you can't hide what your truly are. I see that now. I'm sorry it took so long.
I am happy to say that this chapter in my life is finally over. This time i'm gonna be okay. There is no emotions left, there is nothing holding me back. I don't feel like a failure giving up, cause i tried. In the words of Trent Reznor "I tried, I gave up, Throw It away". Our time together was closure. Its exactly what i needed to move forward in my life.
Thursday, April 3, 2008
The Fear is Gone
So its weird...
As i hang out with Danny more and more, i see myself becoming the same person i was, both for the good and the bad. The good of course being the fact i feel grounded and secure. Its like i have the little imaginary angel back on my shoulder whispering to me, "James, don't be dumb". And i listen. Even thou, i'm not sure where we stand i do feel loved. Loved at least just enough to have me come back for more. I'm a sucker for love, what can i say.
The bad being the fact that i become a recluse. I don't talk with friends and i live day in and day out in a mind numbing pattern that has no real ups and downs, just a straight line, maybe more of a flatline, because jesus does it ever feel like i'm a zombie. The high point of my day is deciding wether i'm going to be a fat pig and get the meatloaf at Boston Market or just stick to my normal routine of getting half a chicken.
It was this extremely hollow lifestyle that lead me to do drugs behind Dannys back when we dated. It was the reason i would lie to him that i had no more herione even thou i still enough to kill a small army. I just figured "that day", you know the day you just can't take it anymore and you give up? Well i figured when "that day" came around, i needed to be well supplied to forget all about that day, and more than even just that day but enough to forget my whole meaningless existance.
Anyways, before i get that bad, i need to figure out how i can avoid becoming a zombie again. Granted, the drugs are a thing of the past. But my routine is back in full swing and I feel the boredem slowly yet surely creeping in.
I even thought about getting a job, Yes a fucking job! Doing what, i have no clue. But maybe it would be an outlet away from my boredem and routine. Jesus, i dont have much when it comes to skills, if i could only find a job that would pay great money to steal music online all day then i would be fucking happy as a pig in shit. I'd be employee of the month, every month!
I think i also need to learn how to be a real friend. Learn how to pick up phone calls and not just tell people what they want to hear just to get off the phone quicker. I can't avoid friends just cause Danny is back in my life. I always ditch my friends for my bf, until i end up having no friends left. I need to grow up and lean how to handle both. I need to find a happy medium instead of favoring one or the other. I hung up my phone on 2 friends over the course of writing this, so starting.....NOW!
"This isn't me" i used to say, But it is... I just need to change. It feels good to be alive, cuz i have been dead for so long.
As i hang out with Danny more and more, i see myself becoming the same person i was, both for the good and the bad. The good of course being the fact i feel grounded and secure. Its like i have the little imaginary angel back on my shoulder whispering to me, "James, don't be dumb". And i listen. Even thou, i'm not sure where we stand i do feel loved. Loved at least just enough to have me come back for more. I'm a sucker for love, what can i say.
The bad being the fact that i become a recluse. I don't talk with friends and i live day in and day out in a mind numbing pattern that has no real ups and downs, just a straight line, maybe more of a flatline, because jesus does it ever feel like i'm a zombie. The high point of my day is deciding wether i'm going to be a fat pig and get the meatloaf at Boston Market or just stick to my normal routine of getting half a chicken.
It was this extremely hollow lifestyle that lead me to do drugs behind Dannys back when we dated. It was the reason i would lie to him that i had no more herione even thou i still enough to kill a small army. I just figured "that day", you know the day you just can't take it anymore and you give up? Well i figured when "that day" came around, i needed to be well supplied to forget all about that day, and more than even just that day but enough to forget my whole meaningless existance.
Anyways, before i get that bad, i need to figure out how i can avoid becoming a zombie again. Granted, the drugs are a thing of the past. But my routine is back in full swing and I feel the boredem slowly yet surely creeping in.
I even thought about getting a job, Yes a fucking job! Doing what, i have no clue. But maybe it would be an outlet away from my boredem and routine. Jesus, i dont have much when it comes to skills, if i could only find a job that would pay great money to steal music online all day then i would be fucking happy as a pig in shit. I'd be employee of the month, every month!
I think i also need to learn how to be a real friend. Learn how to pick up phone calls and not just tell people what they want to hear just to get off the phone quicker. I can't avoid friends just cause Danny is back in my life. I always ditch my friends for my bf, until i end up having no friends left. I need to grow up and lean how to handle both. I need to find a happy medium instead of favoring one or the other. I hung up my phone on 2 friends over the course of writing this, so starting.....NOW!
"This isn't me" i used to say, But it is... I just need to change. It feels good to be alive, cuz i have been dead for so long.
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