Well this is the first time in a real long time that i am so pre-occupied with someone else that i have completely forgot about my depression.
I wish i could say that it been a great time, but its honestly been very frustrating and filled with alot of anger. I cannot help using all the things that went wrong in past relationships, against the current one I'm in. I over think everything in a negative way and i don't believe the simplest of excuses. I over react, and I'm sure, for someone that is just trying to figure me out that I'm living up to all the crazy bullshit that he was warned about before getting wrapped up with me. I really wanted to prove the stories wrong, but I'm just living up to them. I'm am being everything they said i was.
Fuck, I'm like I'm a pre menopausal woman, my mood swings have been insane. I'm sure he never know what to expect. Nor do i really. I can't even control it anymore. The control i had is gone, a short lived memory. As if G wasn't a big enough crutch in my life. I find myself sucking it down each time i fight, just to get that fuzziness behind my eyes and to be able to breathe a calm breath. Flashback to my last relationship, and shooting up heroine after fights. I guess its not that bad just yet, but its feel like I'm on that path again. I doubt I'm gonna start using H again, but i hate having to use drugs just to make a relationship work.
It been almost 2 years since the start of my last relationship and even then my ex was bombarded with warnings about me. In 2 years the rumours have only gotten worse and it seems like now everyone has something to say, its seems like everyone has a fucking story. I'm not sure if its readers of this blog that think this is all I'm about or its just typical fags that judge me since i do porn, but beyond that normal stress of just getting to know someone and making an worthwhile connection, this bullshit has just been so draining. I can only imagine how it is for him.
I don't ask much for anyone, not from friends, not from family, not from fans and surely not from enemies, but Jesus, for once just leave me the fuck alone. You know if this relationship doesn't work, that's fine, but i wanna know it was because we choose not to make it work and not because some outside jealous source fucked it up for me. (Its insane that i need to even ask)
You know, it feel like forever since i let my guard down to care for someone else. But each time i look at him i can't help myself from thinking "this feels right james" It might possibly be the fact that each time he looks at me he kinda reminds me of puss-in-boots from Shrek, when he is doing that adorable innocent face, i swear it melts my heart.
I know, i focus so much on the bad things on this blog that sometimes i forget to mention the good days and the things that make me happy. Granted, this new relationship has been diffcult from alot of angles, and lets be honest i'll never be the easiest person to date, but when its been good, its been great. So thank you Anthony for that. Thank you for making me happy.
Shit worth listeing to...
49 comments:
hey eric
i also sometimes secretly wish there is a button or a switch to control everything. Im not too ambitious. Maybe controlling how my thoughts run wild would be nice.
It not about blaming people but do think of this...
Different people bring out the different YOU. Maybe this person just brought out that part of you which you didn't like. Or maybe was it that you were looking for more drama?
Its complex i know.
Nothing is easy.
No one is simple.
Hi Eric- Just wanted to send you some love from Texas. I hate that you are going through such a shitty time right now. I have loved listening to you on DNR (I see why all the guys love you), and I know that doesn't mean that I know the "real" you, but I do know this : you deserve love and happyness just like everyone else. Fuck those people who spread their hateful words about you. Hang in there and focus on your guy, your success, and your well-being. Take care - Chevin
No le debes explicaciones de nada a nadie. Haz lo que mejor te parezca. Al final, tu y solo tú serás responsable de tus actos y de tus decisiones.
Pasaron 2 años para que vuelvas a iniciar una relación, asi que haz que valga la pena.
Deja de quejarte todo el tiempo. Usa menos drogas.
Y por Dios, de vez en cuando, preguntale a él que siente y simplemente no te guies por la opinion de los demas.
Hey man:
I stumbled onto your blog and thought to myself how much balls it takes to really admit strengths, faults and where we are in our head. Can't really offer any words of support other than what you've probably already heard but I'm definitely rooting for things to work out for ya
take care buddy.
-L
Hopefully this guy will ignore what other people say and just go with his own opinion of you. I am sure the people who have shit to say about you have all kinds of skeletons in their own closets. It's so easy to tear someone else down in order to make yourself feel better. Fuck 'em!
There are a lot of people rooting for you out there, aside from all the ones that want to fuck it up.
And seriously, whoever he is, he's a lucky guy. Good luck to you James.
James,
You've gotten some good comments already. No one know what you want because you don't. This is between you and him and no one else. Do you want advice? I don't think so.
If people give a damn because you are a porn star, then fuck them. You've threatened to pull the plug on this blog, and I think you should. Unless, of course this is the only way you can get your frustrations out to those who hurt you. Maybe keep a private journal unless you crave peoples input. Don't be like that kid who people watched kill himself on the internet. Don't feed into their needs.
Of course it's doomed to fail because
A: you have yet to acknowledge the real you. You chose to you live your life from a perspective of previous pain and issues. You have to don't even know who you truly are yet.
B: drugs inhibit the vital ingredients in relationships: TRUTH and Authenticity
Dude, you are the one in control of your life, It isn't about he said she said. it's about how YOU process all the shit that comes your way. Other people's opinions don't make or break a relationship.
Change comes in little steps.
When you are truly open to it, it will come.
Fuck the G, it's trouble. Go back to your doctor and get another anti-depressant-it will help to stabilise your moods. You are a paranoid mess and you're in BIG TROUBLE. Nobody wants a boyfriend who is so high and so high maintenance-look at how you're reacting James, would you stick around? Why can't YOU see this?
Please James, go back to the doctor, please
All i got to say is do not do heroin, like seriously i bet it will leave u with more issues and depression, i mean ive done drugs, def. not that hardcore, lol, but like they only make the problem worse, they dont fix it , just push it off to the side for the time being, and if u have to have heroin in your system to make a reltionship work, something is not right. i think u should just keep staying mentally strong and just keep working on it like u work on your physical strength. well thats all i got to say, good luck
Erik and im pretty sure he, your boyfriend, understands you so dont be so hard on yourself, just 4get everyone else k?
...you’re supposed to, break my heart?
I expect you do, so why haven’t you?
Maybe you’re not even human cause
Only an angel can be so unusual
Sweet surprise, I could get used to
Unusual You...
Still sounds like you are looking to stop the crazy in your head and get some good tools for living. Controlled substances bought on the street or prescribed by a doctor are not going to give you new tools for living. Learning how to communicate or have any type of relationship with anyone takes work. Work that is not found at the bottom of a bottle, a sniff of that, or with a pill. When you are sick and tired of being sick and tired and want to rejoin life, get yourself to a 12 step meeting, and get some good tools for living.
Inter-Group Association of Alcoholics Anonymous of New York
http://www.nyintergroup.org/
307 Seventh Avenue, (West 28th Street), Room 201
New York, N.Y. 10001-6007
Voice Phones: (212) 647-1680; (914) 949-1200
Some people really think they're your psychiatrist slash best friend.
I think you should tell the guy you're going out with everything, cause putting it all out on the table is just the best way. At least all of the shit right now and current issues. Don't give the guy a laundry list of every fucked up thing in your life cause that scares them away. I've done that.
Also, don't put too many details on a public anything cause people will talk shit. I started blogging anonymously cause someone from my family found my high school one and it wasn't good.
Not to mention my friends and family don't need to hear me bitch about languages and write about how I want a bilingual boyfriend.
james,I agree with Edmcan, Stop the G and go to see the doctor and get a prescription to calm your anxiety and mood swings.
and, for once, listen to the advices of those who care for you without expecting anything in return. New York is a big city. Just make me understand why you two have to stay in a milieu where you are so popular and not for the good reasons?
The people who surround you just seem ready to do anything in their power to sabotage any attempt you make to get out from the vicious cercle of drugs, partying to excess, acting up and be the "Queen of the Party"
You are their ticket to a vicarious life in the limelights, and they are ready to use any kind of mean way to keep you down.
Get your new friend and change gym, bars, neighborhood.... stay away from your old "Friends"
Visit your brother, spend weekends at some resort, if you like winter sports go to do some.
Anything that will give you two time away from Erik RHodes persona and porn star fame and admirers.
Ok, kiddo, I said already enough, you do not need any more advices from an old nag like me.
Just think about what I said, wish you all the best and I send you a big hug, Bruno
Ummm...the dude is only putting up with you because your a famous gay pornstar.LOL. I love it! My new years resolution (and all the other rascal video exclusives new years resolution) is for YOU to resolve to kill yourself. It's too long overdue! And whatever happened to that "I'm not re-signing my contract in November?" Did you ever follow through with that empty promise you ox-looking bastard? Maybe when I see Josh Vaughn at my next Live And Raw Show I will have him place a bet whether or not your gonna kill yourself in 2009. haha. Please save everyone the trouble and blow your brains out you fucking bastard!
duuuuude!!
please listen when i say I think you have Bipolar. Mood swings increasing after you're off your meds??
its because your dopamine and brain chemicals are messed up.
you need meds to level out dude.. effexor sucks because its a 'one off drug'
im on 2 dif types that keeps me maintain my mood. your racing thoughts, your mood swings.. and your past history of drug abuse, plus probably some emotional turmoil..
but i give up. you literally have made me give up that you'd even consider my opinion, even though you're a freakin' mirror image of my moods two years ago.
i dont get why you dont want help, so that you can then help yourself, and then you can start helping others (relationships, friends, etc)
PS. You do realise you were probably given effexor, without consultations after.. without any support system,. from a doctor who gets paid by the company to give you a prescription..
i dont get it,
i dont know why you're so scared of getting help,
a month of a mood drug is NOT helpful, and when you come off it your brain is wondering where the fuck the chemicals (that seemed to friggen help) have gone..
get help dude.. so you can be happy and make others happy,
or talk yourself through.
do some god damned research,
*Reaches through monitor and slaps face*
Stop doing this to yourself and dragging others into this with you. You have married the downward spiral with the viscous cycle.
If it is right and you want it to work then you are going to have to grow up and stop pissing and moaning about what other people might or have said about you. You think you are so pre-occupied that you have forgotten about your depression? Meanwhile you are sandbagging the only thing that seems to be making you happy.
You are fighting and you need to suck G down after every fight. If you want to continue to use recreationally, that is your choice but when you start using to cope with the commonest of situations ( and to fight with a boyfriend is like breathing some days ) then you are not in control of your life.
Here you are in a new relationship with a new person and you are taking the last relationship and laying out in front of you like a template. The only constant on your last and current is you, so if things aren't working... well even you can figure that equation out right.
Now obviously this guy likes you and knows what you are all about ( a bag full of crazy ) so all you have to do is stop letting the past and outside influences eat away at your self confidence....you let this happen...you allow this to happen.
And as for the G, do it if you must but if you are fighting with your man then have the GUTS to not go retreating to your bottle of all better. Be a man and face the hard times with him otherwise he has to do it alone.
iabe
hey james,
keep blogging
craig (uk)
sorry, created a google account with an email i can't get into so had to create another one. anyway like i said,keep blogging, hope it helps ya.
Craig. (uk)
Dude, You just need to be like fuck the world this is my life and Im the one living not everyone else
Dude You just need to be like Fuck the world Im the one living this life not everyone else.
Hey buddy, hadn't read your blog in a while but I'm so glad you found some happiness. It's a difficult search but worth it. I know the feeling of worry of fucking up a relationship just by letting your emotions out. But self medication does NOT work. It's a lie. He has to see who you really are sooner or later. But here's a trick. Don't feel compelled to talk. Just look him in the eyes and smile. Then let him do the talking. It sounds weird but it works.
Good luck buddy...Cdog
I am not sure how i got on your blog, but i started reading it and it was really sad. I have felt the way you talk about and how much of a freak i have felt in the past. But i know who i am now and how God has taken me from misery to hope and happiness. I can't tell you how different things in my life are now. I not only found love, but i found a beautiful wife who loves me for all the right reasons. She loves me for me and sees all the good i have to offer and pulls more of that out of me all the time. She is truly a gift. She gave me a desire to love her and want to give my life for her regardless if we just hug and hold hands or have great sex.
I don't know where you are in life, but i hope you give the Lord a try and just maybe you will see some things different. I ain't some religious radical or nothing, i just saw myself in some of your writing and i hated myself then and i know i have so much to offer now. (oh well, sorry if this post offends you or something--but i hope one day that you will stop the drugs and see what a gift you can be to others and less of a freak you think you are.)
The storms of life can howl and rage with their ferocious appetites wreaking havock in all its path. Where is your house built? Are your foundations secure? Are you confident about the future? Is you inner man at peace when all around is shifting and breaking?
I truly believe that your reaching out a hand into the abyss , trusting and having faith that something will grab it and rescue you from sinking further into the dark. But have you grasped on to that which will secure your safety or have you grasped on to something that will, with time, prove to be only false hope.
That which is true, that which is healthy, that which will raise your head and build strength should be itself strong and shrouded in peace. It should be filled a deep abundance of love. It should bring to you calm. Although many, many things around us shine with these possibilities they are but mist and fragile to the touch. It is a great deception that spins us into never ending circles.
So please consider this. Life for you has been set into a raging storm and fate, relentlessly floods over you again and again. You are slipping. And any grip for safety you reach for will be forcefull and tense because you are struggling for you life. So in reaching out for an intimate friend at this time has come with it this powerfull fight to make things right. To make things calm and joyfull.
But be wise. Is this too just mist and fragile to the touch?
Is your life still swirling with all the old impulses and feelings that have piled up for years. Have you seen that something is still missing but you dont have the strength to face that reality now. Is it not hope misplaced.
I encourage you to take a different path. You can indeed step back from "life" for a while and let your inner self heal in new ways. Reach for something different. Focus on nothing else but building the foundation of your own life first. Stand still long enough .... be patient....and listen. The answer will come to you and you will recognize it and know the way you need to go. Uncover all the piles of denial and self medication and be brave to see the roots of your behavior and feelings....your true self. It is here that you will rebuild a new foundation for your life. Its here that there will be a new beginning. This is exciting because I believe that you are on that very threashold of discovering something new. Its going to be so cool to see the changes in your life.
Hello James meet Effexor. Please get back on the meds before your demons come back. Yeah you may not feel like your outta control self and that is strange to you but that just maybe be as close to normal as you can get. Besides you need to stay on the course of them and your doctor will adjust dosage as your body and brain get adjusted to the medicine. If you don't a am afraid you will never get better and will always be living half a life. Best reguards. Jim
**************
Dude, whether you want to hear or not, the last thing you need right now is to be in a relationship. You have way too much work to do on yourself.
You need to see a psychologist (a behaviorist, not a psychoanalyst). ALSO if you want to start moving in the right direction as soon as possible start reading "The Happiness Trap". Starting in chapter 3, you will start learning how to separate the disparaging thoughts you have from yourself and your actions. Everyone constantly tells stories in their heads about who they are. You'll learn how to identify them as they are happening, take a step back, and look at them objectively, diffuse them, and realize they do not reflect who you are or your actions unless you want them too.
Start mastering the impact your thoughts have over you. You will quickly begin to feel a great deal of relief and stop all the self inflicted bs. Then, start mastering the types of thoughts you have and you will then start to actually flourish.
If you have more of an axiety disorder then depression, effexor will just fuck you up more. It tends to trigger paranoia in those who are prone to manic episodes.
I know from experience. Effexor did a number on me this time last year.
Whatever dude. You're a steroid hopped, G swizzling, crystal meth dabbling douchebag and you know it. Fucking throw yourself over a sword already. You choose to be miserable, buff pornstar. What were you expecting? A parade. Be done with it already and let the world go one without you. Otherwise fucking grow up already.
James, Maybe the person that you think is making you happy and giving you those really great days is the same person causing you all this grief. Remember you never really know someone or their intentions. Trust me he is not worth doing Heroin over. Trust me. Re evaluate who you trust and who you give your heart too. Im sorry to say but maybe you should question this new boys history and the rumors about him and stop doubting/blaming yourself!
You are right about one thing...Staten Island is full of hating fairies!
I liked your blog, I loved how real you are...anyhow showing some love from hawai'i...
You said it yourself: you focus too much on the bad stuff, and you sometimes forget the good stuff. So who would you rather be listening to: the person who makes you happiest, or a bunch of jealous, petty and judgmental assholes?
People are always gonna talk shit, just try to take it for what it is, and you'll be fine. Relatively speaking.
Hey eric
sending some luv from philly! anyways, just trying to take things slow. i know it can be difficult but try to look at the positives. and quit being so judgmental! remember its always easier said then done...
take care
It seems to me that this is one of your outlets where you vent your frustrations, and for some; it paints a very one-dimensional picture of yourself. However, this -like the probable rumors and warnings given to your current bf- should be placed in the "Bullshit" file and dispose of. Neither you or him should concern yourselves listening to other's opinions...How the fuck can they opine with such scarce amount of elements? This includes mine, of course! HAHAHA
That said, try to refocus the inner lens on what's important on that relationship....the good, what keeps you together, why is it worth the effort to keep it going?
And honestly, if anyone is that stupid to think of you as such one-dimensional character because U use this as an outlet...dude, no worries there. Let the stupid take care of their own! LOL
I personally hate drugs, but hey it is YOUR life your living not mine. Do what you please, just don't let it take over the essence of who you are!
ehm.. writing from across the ocean here..somewhere from south east europe,,, really don't know why exactly, but I'm somehow provoked by this blog of yours which i just discovered :P
blaaaa
didn't know u re just 2 years older then me hehe.. i thought u re muuuch older..
so thing is you're an Aquarius (like me) !!! and most of the stuff u wrote i kinda found myself in it.. not exactly the same things are/were happening to me, but aaaaa i don't know how to say it english.. :) thing is i think i understand whats going on in your head..
and you're just thinking too much..
let the universe take care of everything.....blaaaaa
oh yea and i keep seeing numbers 2 and 8 everywhere.. like a lot of things happened to me for example on 22nd of august.. or at 12.28 am ... kinda long story.. but its like those numbers follow me everywhere..
and i saw your date of birth on wikipedia where i found the link to your blog and i saw it 08.02.1982. 2s and 8s.. that kinda made me wanting to find out more about u..and then i found the blog and i read most of your posts and i was wow i can find myself in this :) i love how u put lines together.. i wanted to email u somehow :P but no email anywhere so i'm doing this.. although i feel kinda stupid cause i think everyone will read this and say whats wrong with guy..
soooo please forgive me for an incredible amount of stupidity i just expressed here.. think i just wanted to let u know somehow heeey im out there bla.. :)
uuuuuf this was hard..
i better get back to studying for my exams.. took me an hour to write this :P
take care ...
oh yea i love how your face blush :) :) :)
Ciao,
Mirko
Mirko: My birthday is 02-08-1982, but your close
oh sorry.. it's the way Americans write dates.. my brain isn't really working.. ooooooh..
we do it other way around...day-month-bla
eyyyyyyy than u re a virgo.. :P
oh virgos are known to be fucked up :D as much as aquariuses..
they go together, "air" signs..
my first big.painful.i.wanted.to.kill.myself.guy that made me realize i'm g.a.y. was born on 22.08. heh..
(just another one of billion examples of me tripping with numbers showing me the way or something) :P
again, sorry for too much of whatever you would call this i wrote. :D :D
thanx for replying back.. i thought u won't even read it..
blaaaa sooo just keep smiling and things work out for them selves..
ciao again :) :)
no wait u are an aquarius.
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
:D
ok this the last one no more from me.
Whatever astrological sign he is doesn't matter to me..we all have flaws and james is no different from the rest of us. He probably has a loving side that many don't see. Heck I love reading all his blogs, I just want to know what made you get the kanji charachter tat on your chest?. And do you have one your back of neck ?...
Will you be getting more done in the future? I know you posted a blog about this in this past one on your back of your tattoo but I
was curious.
hi all
erik hot man how are u doing i wnna see u live
CAN I BE WITH U???
I´M IN LOVE WITH U!!!!
HELLO
PAKO
www.dudesnude.com/members/365633
i am really glad to see you have found love, that wonderful thing that is so difficult to find... i haven't found it yet, but i am pacient.
i use to visit your blog, but i didn't have a count before, you look happy now... that's good.
i know you don't have much free time, but if you can, visit my blog, i am new at this and...How can i follow your blog?
Waiting for the other shoe to drop is normal, I think. Maybe you're hitting some extremes but the sentiment felt completely familiar to me. A side effect of the rush of love is that it leaves you completely exposed and you fear you're gonna get smacked in the face when you're riding the high, right? It's hard to discern between being cautious and creating a self-fulfilling prophecy, though.
Stop self-medicating, your problems won't go away like that. But you knew that already. I will buy you a parrot. Or a tape recorder. By the way, are you done with porn?
hey mate,
this is my 1st tym here....i was totaly shocked 2 read ur blog...i thought life of a porn star is a care free life where only fun n sex exist....can't believe a guy who posses a good body,money etc ....could be depressed over something...but mate take d life as it it,,,do not expect much from it...d more u expect d more disapointments u get...stop listening to depressed songs,stop doin drugs...wish u wel n luck
kamran-london
hey mate,
this is my 1st tym here....i was totaly shocked 2 read ur blog...i thought life of a porn star is a care free life where only fun n sex exist....can't believe a guy who posses a good body,money etc ....could be depressed over something...but mate take d life as it it,,,do not expect much from it...d more u expect d more disapointments u get...stop listening to depressed songs,stop doin drugs...wish u wel n luck
kamran/22/-london
dont be sad i would kill to have your body.
i suck at relationships 2 but, ur a stud, i wish i could be you.
love ya
hope things get better
Erik, I feel compelled to comment on your blog for two reasons. First your commentary is moving, and the music choices at the end of the page are astounding.
The music is actually what has driven me to comment. It says much of your spirit.
Can not offer you anything but recognition of your sincere humanity and humility.
You're doing alright.
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