New Beginnings
My boyfriend and another blog had suggested that i change the name of my blog so after some thought, i felt like it was the right thing to do as well. I cannot honestly say i feel like I'm slipping away anymore. Granted i did at the beginning of this blog, i was watching my relationship slip away, my sobriety, my mind. Now, as much as everything is still not perfect in my life, i feel like I'm not giving up so easy, instead of letting my life slip through my hands, I'm taking it all for what its worth.
I'm even shocking myself right now, because as of lately i have had so many people trying to tear me down and typically i would just give up and let them, but unlike me, i have become obsessed with proving people wrong its force me to feel this uncommon sense of pride. I guess to break it down in simpler terms, I'm not thinking about killing myself right now , but more like i rather kill the ones that fuck with me and my relationship and stand in my way of finding happiness or my love of a lifetime.
I have been pretty good so far in letting all the rumours and bullshit slide off my back but just like that kid that gets abused in the hallways of high school, in this day and age it takes only so long before he brings a gun to school, writes some names on a couple bullets and starts emptying kids heads all over the walls. Granted I'm not gonna start killing people, even though i have daydreamed about in more than once when working out at my gym, but all I'm saying, is if you get your teeth knocked out maybe you'll second guess the next time you start running your mouth about someone HIV status. I'm mean, do i look like a push over? Do i look like someone that will run away from a fight?
anyways,
You know, i have never minded the name calling as far as being called a whore or slut, that's just part of the package deal when you sign up to be a porn star. But i think its fucking real low of homo's to use HIV as their own personal self esteem boost. The whole, "I'm obviously jealous of you, so i say you have HIV to make me seem more appealing" bullshit. Its sick. Plus, come on this is NYC, last i heard 1 out of 3 Chelsea queers have HIV, so all your joking and name calling is probely hitting close to home without you even knowing. So be that jerk. Plus seriously Karma is a bitch.
I guess where this is all going is basically saying I'm fed up with everyone trying to destroy my relationship, for whatever reason, weather you hate me, or your in love with what is now mine, just give it a rest.
I keep watching the last 6 mins of the series finale to the HBO show "Six Feet Under" and each time i watch it i start crying and sobbing like a girl. Its not because it shows everyone die, but its because right before each person dies they see what i would call their love of a lifetime and i think to myself how amazing that must feel. The extreme love to have for a person that the happiness of having them in your life is the most important thing that goes threw your head right before you die. I wanna know what the feel like, i wanna find that person. I want my love of a lifetime. I guess that's why i keep writing about people trying to destroy my relationship, cause who would want to destroy that for someone? I would never want to do that to someone else, but what keeps driving people to do it to me? I don't understand it. But i'm sure as shit will fight for it.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
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36 comments:
You are such a romantic James, truly. I am glad that you put such power in romantic love and I wish I shared it.
Don't let anyone put you down, ever and fight for your personal beliefs always. The HIV rumor is disgusting-people are so pathetic. Who knows why they do it; some people just don't want to see others with something they can't have.
I too, liked the Six Feet Under ending, but remember, it is someone else's fiction. 16 years ago, I was involved in a terrible accident and I died on the way to the hospital. They revived me, obviously, but I have no stories to tell of a white light, or my life flashing before me. It was merely black - nothingness. But believe whatever you want-things are different for everyone always.
I hope that you and Anthony (?) can have a fairytale, romantic holiday season.
e.
Good for you. Shake the haters off.
Funny you should mention Six Feet Under. I haven't seen much of anything beyond the first season, but I love what I've seen. I can only hope that someday I'll get to finish it.
Hi, James,
It is heart warming to read your last entry. For the first time since you started this blog You are writing like a "normal" 26 years young man. and for normal I mean a kid in love and ready to fight for what he believes in, not the porn actor who is trying to look a badass at any cost and with any mean.
I am happy for you and proud of you,james.
So Kiddo, accept this big hug to you both and my sincere wishes of happy days from now on.
And a merry Christmas and a happy new year too.
Bruno.
I read this blog entry and something clicked. It made me remember a song from when I was a kid. Below are the lyrics. You sound good James. Just remember, no one is perfect. Merry Christmas.
I Can See Clearly Now
Johnny Nash
I can see clearly now, the rain is gone
I can see all obstacles in my way
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind
It's gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)
Sun shiny day
I think I can make it now, the pain is gone
All of the bad feelings have disappeared
Here is the rainbow I've been prayin' for
It's gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)
Sun shiny day
Look all around, there's nothin' but blue skies
Look straight ahead, nothin' but blue skies
I can see clearly now, the rain is gone
I can see all obstacles in my way
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind
It's gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)
Sun shiny day
Sweetheart, good luck with it all. Everyone deserves happiness and I hope you're getting your share. But let's hope you don't have to kill anyone, ok? :)
Erik (or whatever your real name is),
One of the biggest points of life to deal with is, at least in my opinion, is to not give a shit about those who have no position or understanding to condemn you, insult you or otherwise try to make you feel less of a person than you are intitled to feel.
You also have to learn to shrug off those negative people, as it's taken me a long time to do, and do whatever you want.
Be a porn star, astronaut, CEO, or accountant as I am, but never let the assholes get you down. If the bullshit morality mentality would go away, even in the gay community, you would just be a movie-star, albeit for those who like those kind of movies..You're only a slut or whore if you let yourself be that and think it.
Six Feet Under's ending was inspiring to me also. You will have a fantastic life in some way after you're out of the spotlight and your boyfriend knows it!
Love,
Rob
Good for you...I think. You have gone from wanting to kill yourself to wanting to kill others....that is progress...sort of. I personally think that no one has to to die for you to be happy. But the message is loud an clear that you are done retreating when things get tough.
Six Feet Under is an amzzing series and I like your thoughts about the finale. I think part of thye message is too that in the end all you will remember will be the good in your life.
James -
I was happy to read your latest entry. I've wanted to post here before but wasn't sure what I had to say was merited or would help you. Dude you are learning so much right now, breath like the song says and take it all in. I'm in my mid 40's now which may seem old to you but it comes so quickly. You are still growing up in your 20's and as easy as it is to build and keep your exterior beautiful, it is the inside that is more important and will keep you happy, secure, and alive.
Hopefully it will get better and better for you, but continue to work on the inside man. The Celestine Prophecy, The Secret, The Laws of Attraction are all books that could help you see that you are in control of your life and can basically write what will happen next and how great it can all be.
I have no judgments as to what you are doing as an actor. But if this leaves you with after effects that bring you down, do something else you are intelligent and have plenty of time to do something else.
Lastly, I love the music you choose on the this blog I downloaded the remix version of Never Win to my Ipod and run to it most everyday and think about you sometimes when it plays. I hope you have turned a corner and are making positive changes in your life. A big warm hug and best wishes to you big James.
Another "James" in So Cal.
Congratulations on finding a steady place! It's nice to hear that you're not slipping away anymore.
Also, ummm...Really? What the crap is wrong with people? You don' like someone, so you're going to say they have HIV...classy. Christ, people suck. I'm gonna go down a Drain-o-tini ("corn nuts...").
But on the plus side, you're the one who's really happy now, and they're still jealous, bitchy and miserable, so I think you came out on top.
Also, holy jeebus I love Sia. And I love this song.
Hi. I've never posted to a blog before but wanted to say congrats on ur new frame of mind. I hope its permanent! Thanks for sharing with us! I've been reading ur blog for awhile now and this post made me smile cause I've been feeling pretty shitty lately so thanks Oh and I agree that is one of the best scenes in TV
I'm happy for you, James. I hope you can ignore the haters, and not kill anybody. Just that mental thing where nobody gets hurt.
Wishing you a great Christmas and New Year's! You deserve them.
You hit the nail on the head. Some people never really leave high school. They still believe that picking on someone day after day is the most important goal. They are sad individuals when you think about it. They peaked at the age of 17 and have nothing else. The tactics change...the stories and rumors change...but the small minds are the same.
No one matters except for the people you choose to love and keep in your life.
Glad to hear things are changing for the better.
I know I'm someone you don't know, but as I've said before, I want to see you succeed and am glad to you talk about it.
I'm also more than happy that you changed the name of you blog.
Life is a battle, but it worth figthing. I'm glad you've chosen to stand up and fight.
Good luck, Merry Christmas and have a wonderful New Year.
I am truly encouraged about the name change. This is significant a sign of a new direction. Let me challenge you even further. I feel that you should remove the "porn star" caption as well. It would be wonderful to start cutting ties with all of that dark areas of your life and move forward to your future. It is a complete redifinition and redirection of yourself. I think the chains are begining to lift for you.Bravo Friend.....Bravo!!!
Love is an extremely powerful force. It has shaped history and must never be treated lightly. You know that feelings are overwhelming at first. They have proven that love is also very chemical ..and these chemicals surge in the beginning of the relationship. You can always remind yourself of this when you think about whats going on. When you react to something you can check your reaction by saying is this how I normally would behave or are these new first love feelings coming into play. It's just a thought, and a buffer to keep things in check.
Now is a great time to start on building a firm foundation for your life..so when things get harder...and they always do , no one is exempt from this, that you will have a safe place to land. Build up your spirit...remember the day you first entered your sunny apartment...that was no chance happening..that was real. Start connecting with this...you will know it when it happens to you..so follow it. There is great wisdom to be found in building up your spirit. Invest in things on a broader scale and not just into the relationship alone. You will be happier and safer in the long run. Keep this in the back of your mind as new things open up for you.
Laying all your cards out on this blog is a very difficult thing to do for anyone. Your going to hear many conflicting voices no matter what. And if your coming from a vunerable state it can really influence you. Your a living breathing human being at the other end of this blog and I feel that people forget this and are a little careless and impolite in what they say. On the flip side there are some excellent well thought out comments here that are worth listening to as well. It's just the nature of the beast.
The dark night has lifted and we can all start to see happier days for you. I am so encouraged! Actually I am kind of excited. I am looking forward for you too.
Breath Me is an awesome song, but I have to say I played out Sia's new album. Death By Chocolate is worth a download.
Also, good job on that last paragraph. It was beautiful. I think anyone's life is a waste until they discover something new and make something beautiful and worth it.
I might be crazy, but I like to pretend that gives me a reason to still feel unfulfilled. Keep on enjoying the boyfriend, it's worth the fight.
This is scary. It can't be healthy to threaten to knock out someone's teeth, or even worse, to daydream about killing people in your gym. This is the type of stuff when we read about it happening say, "I thought he was just kidding." "I never believed he would really do it." Dangerous stuff.
James, it's great that you're coming to discover your own value. I know it's a battle right now and in time, it won't be. You'll just know that you've always deserved the kind of great love you've always wanted and you'll understand that you're the only one who can make or break a relationship, or anything else for that matter. Enjoy this relationship and remember that there is more love out for you there than you can possibly imagine.
Are you still HIV negative?
Well, obviously from one of these blog comments, people still think your business is their own.
I liked Slipping Away - it was pretty challenging. I'll have to see exactly what Underneath It All exactly means - as I assume you don't mean the sexual position.
However, as to everything else in your life - L'Chaim!
I share your struggles. Thank you for blogging them. It helps me reflect and think. I have lost at love. I want to hear the "I love you" again. As they say, to have loved and lost at love is better than never having loved at all. Good luck.
Tonight I read the short story "Silent Snow, Secret Snow"* Our struggle is universal and timeless. I'm not schizophrenic I just have a little depression and feel emotional about life when I find myself alone.
From Wikipedia: "Silent Snow, Secret Snow" (1934) is Conrad Aiken's best-known short story, often included in anthologies of classic American horror and fantasy short fiction.
It tells of a normal boy's descent into schizophrenia,[1] in this case a dream world of snow that he finds preferable to the "dirty," mundane world. The story can also be thought of as a Symbolic rejection of reality.
Dear James:
As someone who has also struggled with bouts of depression, I know what a rotten place it can be. I'm glad to see that you are in a better head space than earlier. The only piece of advice I have to give you--if it is even worth taking--comes not from me but from someone else. I'll just post it here and maybe you'll find it helpful, or not:
Things themselves don't hurt or hinder us. Neither do other people. How we view things and people is a different matter. Strange as it may seem at first, it is our own attitudes and reactions that give us the most trouble. We cannot always choose our external circumstances, but we can always choose how we respond to them.
You have a choice, James. Always. They aren't always easy choices but they are there nonetheless. Concentrate on building your character and your good reputation will follow. You have my word on it. :)
A.
Those last few minutes of the last episode of Six Feet Under are just genius and I must have watched them, well ... a lot of times! But I've never before noticed what you wrote here - that each of them sees their love, before they die. It brings a new perspective to what was already great television.
Anyway, I'm glad that as the year draws to a close, things are better for you now, than they were when 2008 began. While easier said than done, try to ignore the haters. As with all of us, they define themselves by what they do.
Happy holidays, James. Wishing you and yours a wonderful 2009.
You know what? You seem to be so preoccupied with what everyone else has to say.. Fuck'em. Lead your life the way YOU want to, NOT the way others want you to. I know its hard to not hear what others say about you and or your loved one. We all have fragile egos, but you have to. You are a strong willed person.. Now is your chance to break away from these aholes and live YOUR life.. Do it buddy. Do what you want, the way you want and fuck those who are NOT your friends. They are nothing but jealous aholes.
All my best to you buddy.
The new name is better.
Wow, you've really come a long ways since Slipping Away so the name change fits. The violent imagery is a little scary but I guess we've all had that. As an HIV+ person I know how hard it is to be thought of as different even within a group who you would expect to be more understanding. Some are, some aren't and some try to use it as a weapon. Just move on buddy and be yourself. It's the best way to fight back.
Merry Christmas!!
Thanks for posting this video! I loved this show and never missed an episode.
Claire's road trip is a metaphor for her journey through life; as her road trip continues, we, the viewers, find out what happens to all of those she loved most. Claire's road trip is also an allegory (a symbolical narrative) of what we each do every day - take a journey through life, watching as those we love come in and out of our lives. Some are here with us for a short time, and others are with us for a lifetime. In the end, as the old cliche goes, it's the journey, not the destination, that matters most... and those that make the journey with us are to be treasured most.
My youngest brother, when he was very little, was once asked by my mother why he was so calm in the face of so much torment by his older brothers. He said he used "the power of ignortion" (his own little made-up word).
So this Christmas I pass along this gift - "the power of ignortion" - to you. As your life's journey continues, listen more to what your head and heart are telling you and less to what others are saying. They're not living your life, you are; they don't have all the facts, you do; they can't make you feel bad about yourself, only you can do that; and in the end, you don't have to please them, just yourself.
To quote George Herbert, "Living well is the best revenge." So live well!
Hi Mr. Rhodes,
I am glad you are now with someone to love and to be loved by.
I wish you all the best. Sometimes I have read the post on your blog as a mirror to myself.
All the best agaoin to you and tyo your bf. Happy 2009
no lie dude.. my captcha is 'dystryp'
'
dis trip
im out in calgary now, hope youre safe in 2009
Hey Man,
Have read your blog for a long time, but have never commented. I just wanted to say that I'm really happy to hear that you're doing better. Keep on learning to love yourself more and your love for your boyfriend will grow as well.
-T
Awesome, I just read UR previous blog and my suggestion was to fight like a lion for what you cared...UR already doing it! KUDOS!
There are some poisonous people out there, but that's why we usually also have a support system of friends & family to help us rise above it. As long as you 2 are on the same page, who cares what some miserable people have to say?
I'm impressed (in a good way). I always thought of you (from what I read here) as a lion lost in the "Land of Confusion". But it seems to me that this lion is coming out, little by little, just fine!
Have you ever thought about writing a book?
Wow. I had no idea people would stoop so low as to say that someone else has HIV for any reason. That's really awful.
I've only watched the SFU finale once, because I cried so much the first time. I can't even hear the song without tearing up.
U want to knock someone's teeth out Rhodes? Come try to knock my teeth out. I'm a kickboxer and mixed martial artist who fights out of Ray Longo's Academy in garden city Long Island. Come fight someone who has dedicated years to understanding the act and see how you do. Tell me when and where at shredtravolta@yahoo.com. Ur the one who chose to make your living by getting fucked on camera bitch.
Hi. Thanks for having such a refreshing approach. Going to link to your blog from mine (bimach.com) as long as it's all clean. I don't know where to send you a real email so I'm going to leave it here so that it doesn't look like I am just plugging myself. I like what you have to say and it's cool how you've created your persona so uniquely.
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