Well, i guess i have to write something since my last post was taken down.
So i just got back from a long weekend in Baltimore, yeah Baltimore of all places, and you would think i could have some peace, well apparently Baltimore has Erik Rhodes fans to.
Anyways,
I had mentioned in my last blog that i started using an anti-depressant called Effexor. Its not exactly what i was hoping for. Granted, i am not over thinking, but now it just feel like there is something missing. I kinda feel like I'm waiting for something that is just not coming, waiting for a climax, and then realizing that there is not going to be one. I guess the best way i can describe it is like waiting for your friend as he gets ready to go out, anticipating and excited, only to have him turn around and say, "you know what, i feel like staying in. you can go alone if you want".
I finding myself alot more confused. Walking back and forth in my apartment, about to do something, with no clue what that thing is, walking back and forth a little more in hopes I'll figure it out, until i stop myself and say "James, what the fuck are you doing". I have to physically tell myself, "okay your getting ready for the gym". It so strange. Its like my brain is fighting me. I find that its making me get to the gym later and later.
On a positive note, i have met someone new... Granted its kinda fresh and I'm not sure where its going, but being able to hold someone i really like at night has been leaving a huge smile on my face.
I guess what is shocking about this new kid is that, i made the first move, i made the request to see him again, i am making this work, i am taking charge and getting what i want... This person is not me. My confidence normally is about equal to a 13 year old girl band geek with braces, glasses and rocks out on the xylophone. I guess I'm just tired of waiting for someone to approach me. I'm sure if i kept waiting I'd still be bitching. I'm tired of life passing me by.
* Thank You to the piece of shit that ratted out my blog for posting the free music I left in my last blog. I'm gonna post a new compilation soon without writing the track list, so anyone that's interested, just needs to send me a message on myspace for the track list and I'll avoid any copy write infringement. SO FUCK YOU, i win.
* Thanks to The Sword (www.thesword.com) for making me #14 on the sword 100. http://thesword.com/index.php/cultureschlock/1582-selections-from-the-sword-100.html.
I swear every time an new young fag emails me and says, "hey erik, i tried GHB last night because of you"... I say to myself, "damn it, James, your making a change inn this world!"
Turn the Television off...
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
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"Jesus christ that's a pretty face.
The kind you'd find on someone that could save.
If they don't put me away, well it would be a miracle.
Do you believe you're missing out,
When everything good is happening somewhere else?
But with nobody in your bed,
The night's hard to get through."
Have you ever watched a movie from last to beginning in rewind?
That's how I feel when I read your blogs.
By The Way.
Brand New is back in the studio recording again. :)
Wow - you made first move? If that anin't an effin miracle I don't know what is! Sounds like there may be some side effects to the medication or you are just not used to living without the nagging self doubt eating at you every minute of the day. You are left to your own thoughts and perhaps that does feel like a daze.
I would imagine that after years of reacting to everything around you, having the chance to act on things would feel very foreign but ultimately that may be a good thing.
I know there will be a lot of people who will boo and hiss at taking meds but for some people they really do work and it sounds like this is the case for you.
Yeah!
iabe
What do you think about gay marriage? I could give two shits, really.
But I think it's interesting how gay men are mostly like you, but then the "supposed community" comes together and fights for a marriage.
You'd never get married right?
Effexor didn't work well for me either. Try Paxil. Good luck with the new guy.
You met someone new? And you made the first move? Wooo! Awesome!
And for the record, I was wondering where it went off to. Thankfully, I got it before it went down and put it on my iPod (thanks for that!). So if it's worth anything, you're in between Emily Haines and Erykah Badu on my iPod. I think that's worth something.
Sucks about the music, enjoyed it on first blush but didn't have time or patience to download it at the time.... had wondered what happened.
Took Efexor for a year, it worked OK, cept it kept me from orgasming. If I was fucking someone, of course, they liked it, but after a while it does get annoying. Not sure Paxil is solution but you gotta try several, and try them for at least 3 to 5 months, to find one just for you. If you get problems, do dump it right away.
whoever got your last post pulled is a total fucking DOUCHE! and i was trying all the songs out too.
glad to hear about your new guy hope you find what you're looking for james, everyone deserves to be happy.
i'm just another person online but i've been in a similar situation as you and sorta still am i found that the best thing to do about pills is do a little research on your own. otherwise they'll just keep putting you on anything they like and that can lead to disastrous situations and zombie like days. hope everything keeps going your way and you get less zombie like.
peace!
"huge smile on my face", thats good to read
if i can give you an advice, when your mind is wandering, stop and start singing and dancing, nobody is watching and what the hell if you talk to yourself you cant be more crazy, just kidding :), but is a good medicine, making something funny to laugh and get your mind back to work and focus on "James, what the fuck are you doing"
"keep straight" on your new relation :P
Glad to hear you are getting in a new relation and that you were able to reach out and take steps to advance it. Do not look for the moon right away... just let things mature at their own rhythm now.
The prescription drug seems to at least have the effect to calm you down and curb your compulsive behavior, even the excessive gym work.
I am really glad you are back and I wish that rat who made your last blog entry be deleted get a zit on each buttock and will not be able to sit for months.
a really BIG hug, kiddo, see you on facebook or myspace...
Bruno
Well well well......
In these oh-so-serious days following the election of Obama and the passage of Prop 8, etc...it's refreshing to again read such an incredibly self-absorbed blog.
About your aimless rambling and forgetfulness? Try post-it notes on your forehead.
And as for top ten lists...you're still on my mine when it comes to watching some guy getting porked. [Thank God for blogs with free video clips.]
xylophones, 13 yr olds, and braces. sounds like a wet dream. its cool you are able to look at the good side of things that must make you feel different
ah, know how it is.
you don't think that you wanting a climax is what made you over-the-top in the past? find ways to work with what you got..
congratulations
I'm on Effexor too, for anxiety though, not so much depression. it's strange that they are categorized and given the same antidote.
I saw ad on Tv for Effexor the other day, and wondered when it would be my turn to walk on the beach or in a field of tall grass with a friend that seemed to want to be there too. Sometimes I think I just fell for another marketing ploy.
no reply to Sagat's YouTube clip about his mask and marriage?
I'm so happy for you!
You cannot see this, but I am smiling for you. Quite stupidly too!
It is called empathy. Sometimes it hurts. Sometimes it is too powerful. Some people cannot turn it on. I cannot shut it off.
We are all running. Some of us do it faster. And you are doing it just like everyone else.
So just in case no one ever told you, this is what normal feels like. It takes work to be OK and it sounds like you are on the right path.
What was the last dream you had?
-Adam
Serious xylophone time.
http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3015/2997201879_1c5fc74dcd.jpg
When I read some of the posts on you blog, I can't help but think we're on the same boat. A lot of them mirror what I've written in my own blog. I'm not gonna say I know what you're goin through, that would be a lie - but rather, I understand. Hit me up if you want.
Try Pristiq. It's pretty new. It's a SNRI.
I only came back to see if you had any new tracks to download. Cause the last two comps were sweet.... some tracks I was having trouble finding.
Cheers
oh and relax
and don't take any ones advice on this blog regarding anti-depressants because I wouldn't trust anyone that feels qualified to give out advice on psychoactive medication online.
Hey, let the antidepressant have some time to adjust. That empty feeling is actually some of the anxiety you are so used to feeling. I went through the same thoughts whn I started taking effexor. also the withdrawal from it is powerful - it will make you feel more depressed than you were before you started taking it. It does work, just give it a chance. and let yourself be happy enjoy the small moments without dreading their inevitable end. Sometimes the inevitable seems not to be as soon in coming as it used to be.
Best Wishes - Jason
Hey Smart Ass, if Anthony is the new guy, he's pretty hot.
If he's bringing some positivity into your world, then all the better.
Is this the first SSRI (effexor) that you've tried? Sometimes they take a while to kick in and yes sometimes you may have sexual side effects. Your brain chemistry is changing, so yeah, it may feel different. Keep tabs on it and keep your md in the loop. Of course alcohol isn't a good mix and ghb.....well you know
I agree with Jason. You are not going to feel euphoria, but you will realize that you are better. It takes about a month. Don't drink too much with it because I did and I made a total ass out of myself. Life is better with it. I have been on it for 8 years and I probably will be on it for the rest of my life. hang in there you beautiful hunk of a man. It will get better.
Tommy
Way to go on the new guy.
I think alot of guys get depressed waiting on Mr. Right to show up knocking on the door, and never does. It doesn't work like that. You have to go find him - good for you.
Some good advice I was given once in that regard - and find it hard to follow, but it's true -
"Spend less time waiting on Mr. Right - spend more time trying to BE Mr. Right"
Sounds like you've made a good start!
Hey Erik
I was taking Effexor for awhile as well, and I'm glad to hear in your recent post that you stopped taking it . . . I absolutely hated it. . . when I was taken off of it, I had the most awful physical pain ever , like I was being electrocuted. It was nuts . . . glad you are off of it, it didn't work for me either.
Hope you can find something to smile about man, looking forward to actually hanging out next time we run into eachother.
xoxo
Hi, James:
Effexor was really good for me; it was like a second sun started shining.
You're not worthless, you know. Nobody is.
You are taking Effexor? I bet nobody told you that its "withdrawal" symptoms can last a lifetime for some. Do you like the idea of having mild motor incoordination for the rest of your life? Get rid of that crap and get a prescription for something that does not involve a potential lifetime commitment.
Whoever the fuck gave you that medication, gave it to you because it is one of the newer antidepressants on the market. NOT BECAUSE IT IS BETTER THAN THE REST. Take note: all new medications have to outperform a placebo to get FDA approval. A new medication DOES NOT have to outperform the older medications on the market.
One more thing: Clinical trials for ALL medications are short (a few weeks). Antidepressants are to be taken for months, even years. That makes us all guinea pigs in respect to their LONG TERM effects.
Get something older. Like Prozac. If a manic episode is a potential danger for you, Lamictal seems to be the top-of-the-heap mood stabilizer.
Words of caution:
- Your doctor should always tell you what to watch out for.
-Read the literature about your drugs. You will need a medicine/pharmachology dictionary.
-Everybody is different. What works wonders for me could be poison for you.
I can only give you pointers, not infallible advice. Absolutely nobody will be able to predict which medication is perfect for you.
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