Well first thing is first, i stopped taking the meds.
I can't explain it but i started to feel like things were getting worse. Granted mentally i dont think i'm much better, but at least i kinda feel like myself again. Paranoid, angry and out of place feel more like home and in all honesty i dont mind being back. I think this is just the way i was designed and i'm becoming okay with it. On a postive note, i think the drugs actually gave me a sort of perspective into the crazy shit i do, and when i find myself loosing it, i'm now able to tell myself to calm down. Well... maybe its not that easy. I kinda loose it first, stop and focus, and then make the proper adjustments. I'm not sure if it matters by the time i figure it out but at least, it feels like i have more control...
I had mentioned in my last blog that i have met someone new, and surprisingly enough, i'm still talking with him. I do however feel like i'm scaring them away.
I honestly dont know how to date and i'm sure as fuck i do not understand how to treat a new relationship, how to treat someone new that i'm interested in. What i find myself, already doing, after only a few weeks of hanging out is me getting extremely jealous. The guy just has that look that draws people towards him and it seems like everywhere i go with him i'm wanting to fight these fucks off like he is already my boyfriend. I hate the way it feels honestly and have even considered just giving up on the relationship altogether cuz i just mentally, don't think i can handle it right now. I dont wanna be a jealous fuck, i hate feeling crazy for no reason. The first couple times it happened, i kinda fought myself into not caring and saying just let it go but obviously i couldnt and i would find myself ranting at him and going nuts. I mean i'm just waiting for him to walk out of my place and tell me i'm just not worth the hassel. I sware i can read the thought behind his eyes saying, run away now. He's stayed so far, but i'm positive he will not stomach much more of my bullshit.
I mean, come on, beyond me being a jealous porn star, which is an oxymoron in itself, the poor kid now has to deal with a new costant critisim i'm sure he has never dealt with before. "whats dating a porn stars like, how can you be okay with that?", "don't expect much from him", "omg i heard" this" about him", and so forth are just the daily reminders of what a mistake the people around him think he is making. God, sometimes i agree with them. i'm not worth his time, i not worth wasting his precious life on, i'm not worth the chance he is taking.
But he constantly reassures me that he gets to see what they don't see, the true person i am behind the faccad of being Erik Rhodes, and he keeps telling me it seems to be worth it.
In my head i keep thinking to myself, "Really, Why?"
"dont ask questions, keep it moving, this might only be another short glimpse of happiness, so enjoy it for what its worth now, oh god, they are not right about me"
Its what has honestly been keeping a smile on my face. Fuck, thats all i been asking for... someone to see me for me and just not be full of shit when they say it. And for some reason i believe him when he says it.
The problem is...
I have been wrong before.
*dont mind my spelling, spell check doesnt work on my mac, dick.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
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39 comments:
Maybe you were just programmed to be comlicated, who knows? But whatever, being normal is overrated anyways. It's boring as fuck, really.
And chill about the new guy. If it's right, there's a good chance he's not going anywhere. And even if he is, appreciate the fact that he is bringing you a lil happiness.
J,
Despite being off your meds, I hope you continue with therapy with a psychologist at least. It will help you process your feelings, a great outlet, and help you with your challenges in life.
Best of luck with dating. I find that in getting to know someone romantically, I discover more insight for myself. Trying to establish a friendship that leads to something more is often the best way for me.
I hope your search for an identity beyond porn is working. It would be great to transition into a career that challenges you in other ways.
Thanks again for your blog. I appreciate you sharing your experiences. It's great to see you beyond the the facade of Erik Rhodes.
W.
Sounds like you are sabotaging your own happiness because of the doubts you have.
Lets' break this down.
1. You get jealous when people approach the new guy you are seeing.
What exactly are you jealous of? That he is getting the attention and you are used to being the main draw? Or is it that if you aren't acting like a gaurd dog, someone better will catch his eye?
2. You are concerned about all the things people are going to say to him about you that may change his mind about you.
If you find a way to control this, please let me know because at my advanced age of 35, I have yet to find a way to stop people from saying what they are going to say. If he knows about ER then chances are he is ok with everything that comes along with that.
3. You question his interest in you whether it is worth it to him
This isn't a question of whether you are or are not worth it to him but a question of whether you think you are worth it.
There is no med in this world that is going to let you love yourself. I don't mean vane and prideful love, but true self worth. If you doubt you are good enough or worthy of love, then you project that out into the world like a queen with too much cologne.
You have met someone who sees past a lot of the labels that yourself and others have pasted on you and is trying to engage the real you. Whether you think you deserve this or are worth the trouble is all on you.
Still sounds like you are looking to stop the crazy in your head and get some good tools for living. Controlled substances bought on the street or prescribed by a doctor are not going to give you new tools for living. Learning how to communicate or have any type of relationship with anyone takes work. Work that is not found at the bottom of a bottle, a sniff of that, or with a pill. When you are sick and tired of being sick and tired and want to rejoin life, get yourself to a 12 step meeting, and get some good tools for living.
Inter-Group Association of Alcoholics Anonymous of New York
http://www.nyintergroup.org/
307 Seventh Avenue, (West 28th Street), Room 201
New York, N.Y. 10001-6007
Voice Phones: (212) 647-1680; (914) 949-1200
Glad to hear your are doing better. I think it's even better you are coming to terms with who you are, and accepting it, sometimes there is nothing wrong with paranoid, angry and feeling out of place. That is your normal, and you have to make peace with it and learn to go through life that way without it making you crazy. I think it is a lot more normal than you might imagine, many people feel the same way and they function, in what society would consider a normal way. Normal is completely subjective.
As for dating, I really believe no one knows how to date. There aren't any set rules that determine right from wrong. When people first meet someone they really like, there is that awkward period of trying to get them to like you. That is why 1st dates, 2nd dates, etc are so uncomfortable, you put yourself under so much pressure not to screw things up and make this individual like you because this might just be the one that will provide a lifetime of happiness.
Jabe is right, maybe you are sabotaging your relationship, probably on a subconscious level, you probably feel you are not worthy of someone so good so you are trying to make him want to leave you so you can blame him for the break-up and not yourself. Then you would be playing into the self-pity thing that is part of your comfort zone.
From the sounds of this guy, he seems pretty cool and he makes you happy so maybe on a more conscious level, try not yelling and going nuts and creating conflict. As you said,"the drugs gave me a sort of perspective into the crazy shit i do, and when I find myself loosing it, i'm now able to tell myself to calm down." So calm down James. I believe him when he says to you you are worth it, because you are worth it. And obviously he sees it, which you can't. But, based on all of your posts over the past few months, I can see there is a good person there, with a few problems, but you are learning to cope with them and live a "normal" life. Stop questioning why someone likes you or finds you worthwhile and just go with it, tell yourself you deserve it and go with it. You've found someone that puts a smile on your face, seems to love you for you, James, and probably will love you for you, and not a persona he's seen on a screen or read about. So instead of thinking,"enjoy it for what it's worth now," how about enjoy it now and work on making it last forever. A relationship does take work, time and effort, from both ends. And forget about being wrong in the past, you can't judge everyone based off of bad experiences with people in your past. I'm not saying it could never happen again, being wrong about people, I just believe at some point it has to stop and this maybe where it stops and you finally get what you've been missing in your life, and wanting for so long.
Well, again, I'm glad to hear you are doing better. Stay positive, your are doing fine by all accounts, and I really hope this relationship works out for, just remember, you have to put it the effort too, and communication is key to a healthy relationship, so communicate if something is bothering, but try to do it on a lower volume. All the best.
T.
If you were taking effexor, don't just stop it point blank or there can be seriously weird side effects (suicidal thoughts and nightmares, phantom pains). When I went off it, I had to taper off and it was still very uncool.
Greetings from South Africa! I am just too happy to have found your website/blog.
I just want to let you know that you have made my holiday to NYC when I met you and your friend James Sunday, 2nd November at The Park. You signed my t-shirt and my boyfriends undies...thank you once again. I went to Webster Hall afterwards for the Alleagra party...wow, it was great. Just wish that I could have at least have a drink or shot with you there. My life feel complete even that though you live on my tv set/dvd player/on my shelf in boxes and somewhere in cyberspace...but now I know that you also live in the city I which love. I really wish I had endless time with you, as you really also live somehere inside of me...I know that sounds bizarre, but a thought of you, is an extremely happy and hard one.
Good luck with all the real life stuff, relationships, friendships and the man on the street. Life is a road of discoveries my friend, we all have to walk that walk. Be strong and keep walking...if possible...keep dancing!
Mansize hugs!
Petrick
Hi, james, I was not going to comment on this last blog, because there is not much any friend can say to help you at this stage. It all depends on you and to the degree of maturity you have reached. The positive note is that i see less of Erik RHodes the Porn star and more of James Eliot in what you are writing, and the only small advice I can offer is to take things slowly, one step at a time, and try to avoid the places that can provoke your jealousy.
I believe that even in NYC there are other places than gay clubs and gyms where you two can get to know each other and appreciate each other company.
I wish you all the best, my young friend,
A big Hug from someone who just turned 67 this month and is still happy to be alive.
Bruno
J.
I agree with Rob, you shouldn't really cold turkey effexor. Talk to your doctor, please? Try another a/d, they really do help.
Relationships are difficult and acting like a twat doesn't help. Can't you just relax and enjoy the ride? Every guy you date isn't necessarily 'the one'. Try just having a good time - jealousy is an ugly emotion tied to your insecurities.
Good luck kiddo.
ps. Happy Birthday Bruno!
Again, you're a really engaging writer, that you are, my friend!
I'm not gonna offer you some "Words of Wisdom" or a quick-fix...we all have to battle our own inner-demons, and no one can do it but us!
I haven't walked in your shoes, so how could I presume to know what's good for you? I get annoyed by lecturers, lest I become one of them!
However, if you think you're making progress...KUDOS to you!
As far as the spelling goes, it really doesn't matter, there are proof-readers to correct little mishaps on passionate writers such as yourself...Great-Honest blog!
Thanks for sharing!
You have such low self-esteem you should be slapped. I can't believe you are so upset about your date getting attention from other guys. He must be really hot, so you should be happy that he likes you. If I were you, I would actually parade him around even more, and make other people jealous that you two are together, rather than waste your time being jealous of something you made up in your own head.
Sounds like you're dating a good guy so far, jealousy happens especially since he can see that part of you that you can't see, maybe he's ur med substitution..hehe..btw at least you had to courage to get on meds....I've been avoiding them since high school :Z
1. Yes, you do have to taper off Effexor. I assume you just went off it cold turkey.
2. Yes, you should try something else. No, drugs aren't the solution - but they do help you FIND the solution. I tried about four things (including Ritalin, so trust me, dude, there are way more fucked up folks than you think you are), and what really helped me was having someone (therapist) to talk to for about 18 months. Doubt I could have talked to him for that long without being on something to chill me out a bit tho.
3. You either want to push him away or you don't. Thinking you can't help yourself isn't real. Thinking there's nothing you can do about it -- ditto. Talk to him, explain yourself. He'll either understand or he'll give up. At least you tried to communicate and you can't force someone to be with you -- unless you want to go to jail for kidnap/rape....
4. Breath. Relax. Chill.
呵呵，你是在故作痛苦吧~~~
MAYBE U ARE JUST USED TO BE THE MAIN DRAW OF OTHERS' ATTENTION~~~，u americans are very interesting i thought you choosed to be a porn star because you like it and were ready for the things it might bring along. or are you just posting this to make people think you are miserable to draw more attentions? for a foreigner it seems the case. hehe,anyway,it is still good to find someone you really like,if you do think it is your love of life ,you should try your best to keep it .life is hard anyway,somehow we are all hookers just in different ways,we all sell part of our life to please others(customers,clients,etc.)in exchange for money.
besides spelling check don't work on my computor either so~~,生活就像强奸，如果你反抗不了，就要懂得享受（Life is like rape ,if you cannot fight it ,you should learn how to enjoy it.) :-)
Sh*t...if I had friends, fans, whatever like that Petrick guy, I'd be a f*ckin mess also.
And why not just climb back into your G bottle?
Who said i stopped using G, Daddy-O?
please go into detail about your sex life with your new boyfriend. or anybody for that matter. that is all most of ur readers care about and the readers who show compassion are justt praying that they will be the ones who connect with you which would hopefully lead to sex since everyone on craigslist turns them down after seeing their pictures....
If he reads your blog, then most likely he's taking advantage of you becuase you're so stupid.
If he is good-looking, then most likely he's probably just sexually attracted to you. Otherwise, why would he want to carry all your baggage and make a realthing work?
If he's smart, and I know he is for a very special reason, then he's interested but, not enough to marry you.
You're a conquest and he only wants the thang-thang.
But Blanche ! You are a porn star !
I don't know why people say drugs are the answer... also I don't know what are they living or had live... I think is a good change that you quit on drugs
If i read and understand, you DO have a BOYFRIEND! he likes to hang out with you and he reassures you that he doesn't care what others think, he only cares about what he can see you are, for me the only thing missing is to ask him
you have everything to rebuild up your life, be honest with yourself, you know what you want, don't go against the wave :)
Stop seeing your past as what defines you. Your mind does, your actions do, you manifest your destiny.
Your old Jenga tower of the past is destroyed. Too many people pulling out too many blocks and didnt care about you. These people need to have a cold shoulder towards them. (get back to this later)
Your new tower is going to be a task of work, but its like building with Lego. Each block is different colour, shape, but they all fit together in a nice, tight grip. if you get knocked over at least it doesnt fall to a million pieces, it falls in big blocks at the weak points. which you can rebuild stronger or with super-glue, your choice.
Its about defining your future. Your goals, your ambitions, what you have achieved, what it made you feel, and why you are now heading in a new direction.
But what it seems like is your just walking down the thinner branches of the same limb you were on before.
You don't have a solid foundation. You're going after something you can't manage because you have no idea what it is you want to achieve.
Simple things like personal security, which you so seriously lack, are the foundations of self actualization. You cant self actualize if you can't take yourself and your ideas seriously.
Work on it, day in, day out. Become, and live your new way of life.
And your past? You have to stop caring. It doesnt define what you're about to do, its the past. It got you to where you are now - and now you're starting (START key word here) to rebuild.
If people want to slander you on your way to becoming better, than they are weak. So you smirk and give them the cold shoulder. What are they to you? Lower, thats what.
So lace your boots and stomp their face. And goal set, cuz its easier to reach something you have set out to achive. and not big things, but maybe just work on strengthening your pick up line, or working on saying hi, or working on looking people in the eyes longer (something im doing right now)
believe me, i know when my past shows.. but suck it up and dont be your past. be the new James.
Way to go for being a poster boy for idiocy.
Off the meds - yeah, thats sensible.
Twat.
have you tried Lexapro? I used to take it and still do sometimes as needed when i feel anxiety/depression coming on. You're right about antidepressants - they do let you get back to your old self. i don't know how anyone can stay on them for more than a week. they wouldn't let me get a deep sleep and after a week i became a frustrated bitch because of the lack of sleep. Now i know to just take them for a day or two (and i only take 1/4 of a pill) and it's enough to stop me from sliding into crazyland. Try using them that way, just a day or two here and there to nudge yourself back into normal.
James, you were not designed to be paranoid, angry and out of place. If you were, it would feel WONDERFUL. Rather, you're working pretty hard to feel bad about yourself.
At the same time, you've found someone who's been able to see good things about the real you. The issue you're running into is that as long as you can't find the value in yourself, you're never going to believe that someone else can see it either.
The good news is that you've grown since your last relationship. Give this a chance. Be willing to let this guy show you the great aspects of yourself that you haven't been willing to admit were there.
Allow the best of who you are to float to the surface instead of working so hard to find your flaws. You ARE a good person, James, none of what you think tarnishes that really does.
Hi erik
im from chile
im your fan
yes
i dont know how to speak or write english very good
but
i really like all of you
i hope you read it
cause i cant sleep thinking in you
kno i want to tell you something in my languaje
que estes muy bien
eres el mejor
no entiendo mucho lo que escribes
de verdad que me gustas mucho
me gustaria tanto poder estar cerca tuyo
pero se que no pasara jamas
porque yo soy de chile
y tu estas lejos
espero alguna respuesta
bueno
te dejo mi mail
byan_rivas70@hotmail.com
chau
good bye dear
Cool...I LOVE handballing boyo's on G. Especially when they're in the zone and their heads roll back...woohoo, Cowboy!
Even if you had Spellcheck, it wouldn't catch the fact that you apparently don't know the difference between the word LOOSE (which is what your ass is like after years of porn and hookery) and LOSE (which is what you keep doing with your mind).
This is something all 6th graders should know. You might consider taking an adult education class one of these days.
James,
As a fellow man with depression I can relate to the sense of frustration that is evident in yours posts. Although you may feel that talking about your depression will push people away, remember that those who truly belong in your life will stay. Take one day at a time and write your thoughts done to free them from your mind. Take deep breaths and close your eyes. Create an image in your mind that comforts you and stay with it. Go back to this place whenever you need to. For some they picture a beach by the ocean with the sun shining and the waves crashing. Others may picture a forest with birds chirping and green grass under their feet. I myself like to imagine I am floating through white fluffy clouds hanging in a bright blue sky. I see myself as the man I want to become and I imagine what he looks like. One of the toughest parts of depression is staying motivated. Think of what makes you happy and how you can get there. If you are not sure how to reach your goal don't give up. Seek guidance from those around you. Your potential is only limited by how much you stand in your own way. There is not a person in this world who can hold you back from reaching your dreams. You are your best friend and should love yourself first before trying to love others. Do not get discouraged if a medication does not work for you. They do not all work the same for everyone. I myself take a drug called Celexa and it has helped me get through some difficult times. Medication is still very much trial and error. You have to be willing to put in the time to give it a chance before you can decide it doesn't work. They also do not produce immediate effects and many anti-depressants can take months or years to reach their full effect in a person. The beautiful thing is it will only get better with time as long as you stay committed to treating yourself. Avoid tobacco, caffeine, alcohol, and drugs because they all will affect your depression for the worse. They greatly interfere with the way anti-depressant medications work in the brain and can make it impossible to achieve the full effects of the treatment. I am happy that you mentioned a therapist because it is important to have someone objective to talk to. Someone who won't judge you and cannot walk away because it is their job to listen. I wish you the best in your battle with depression and know that you will overcome your demons. Finally, I ask you to consider your career and if it makes you truly happy. If there is something you would rather be doing or if you feel that being in the porn industry is limiting you in any way, then why not leave? It sounds as if you have some guilt about being in porn and that you think it keeps people from seeing who you really are. I ask then, who are you? Are you James or are you Erik? Whose voice speaks louder in your mind?
Best to you and God Bless,
John
Boston, Ma
Dear Erik,
I have been reading this blog with some interest for a long time and have been thinking of a time when to make a post.
I should probably give you a little background on me before I go on to what I want to say (it may make it mean more).
I grew up in a tiny little village in central scotland where my father worked as a bin man (garbage collecter in your language) and my mother was unemployed. This is about a violent and homophobic a place as you can get it the UK. Think some Mormon Texas backwater where they drag gays around by their neck from the back of trucks. I also went to one of the worst high schools in the whole country and had to teach myself all my subjects to escape the viscious abuse I received there, and from my father. The height of homophobic abuse for me came when a guy put my head between his feet and jumped around on concrete with it until I was unconscious in a puddle of my own blood.
Anyhow, I knew I was gay when I was three and watching the He Man cartoon. I remember thinking to myself I want to be built like that and have him as my wife when I am old enough to do that.
Back to the point, when I left high school I had a complete and severe nervous breakdown characterised by severe depression and anger and had no-one to help me. At the time I was also a scholarship student in theoretical physics at one of the most prestigious univeristies on earth (and 17). I know how you are feeling at the moment. As testimony, the severity of my breakdown become a running joke in a recent performance art show in London aimed at the alternative gay scene here. You can have a look here if you want, me stage left:
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=S620IyYL1PI
So anyhow, with regards to the effects of too much psychiatric medication, my now immortalised shitting myself is on Google forever. I would advise trying meditation, reading stuff on Buddhism, watching all of David Hoyle's stuff on YouTube and reminding yourself that you are doing wonderful humanitarian work instead of drugs. There is also a great movie called I Heart Huckabees which is all about people going through what you are at the moment.
But what I wanted to say was this. In my final year of undergrad studies two years ago at a different uni and in a different city which I upsticksed too with only £70 to my name for a fresh start, I did a huge exteded piece on a gay porn movie (and graduated with 1st class honours). I think that you doing gay porn is amazing. People all over the world are being murdered and hanged just for being gay and with your beautiful body and artistic skill in your movies, you manage to counter that in a very effective way. You manage to let lots of teenagers everywhere know that getting a fat cock rammed up your bum is nothing to frightened or ashamed of, and you make it look particularly beautiful, so well done. I remember watching gay porn for the first time and feeling like I was actually ok.
Anyhow, I just wanted to say that you seem to be, to me at least, a kind, sensitive and beautiful human being and your suffering is only testimony to that.
And what I can say from experience is the following. It won't stop instantly. Everybody has a shit period in their lives. It might get worse (it took me two years of three times a week psychoanalysis which was agonising before I was ok again) but eventually it will be the making of you.
So anyhow, lots of love to you.
G
And meditate upon this:
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=wRmqRS3I2-w
Gx
This was origionally and email I have been attempting to send you:
Erik,
I took this photo (profile pic on Facebook/Myspace and hopefully now on here) of myself Christmas Eve when I was 19.
I was contiplating suicide.
Ironically this is the best picture that has ever been taken of me.
My family celebrated Christmas without me because I had agreed to drive a lesbian co-worker three hours each way so she could spend Christmas with her family.
My family hated me for being gay.
Hi, my name is Chris Brunette. I am now 27 and going through some rough times of my own. I have no one that I can talk to about what I've been going through, people had started criticising me for what I had been blogging so I stopped. I've read your blog and my heart truly goes out to you...
I understand what it's like to feel like you're watching yourself slip away.
It's like you're watching someone else sit in the corner, crying, screaming, BEGGING for someone to help you, to tell you what to do. You feel yourself running around, punching walls but all you see is the small, insignificant and insecure part of yourself curled up in a fetal position praying for the world to just go away.
You look around and see all of your "friends" walking past, going on with their lives. The few who care enough to notice do nothing more than stare at you. You wonder why they won't help, let alone kneel down next to you and just hold you and care for you...to just keep you safe so you can "let go" and "lose it."
You wonder why you love everyone so hard and no one seems to love you.
You question if it's wrong to love others more than yourself.
As I said, I'm going through some very rough times in my life. (I kicked my SEVERELY abusive ex of 8 yrs out of my home, my car died and I just got laid off from my job... Happy Holidays, right?)
I really could use a friend my own age who can understand me and talk to me...to help keep me from "losing it"... someone who understands that real relationships don't revolve on sex...
It sounds like you could use the same...
If I'm right PLEASE do not hesitate to email (christopher.brunette@gmail.com), call, or text (phone number is available via my Facebook and Myspace profiles or via email request)...
Comunicating with you would be a welcome distraction to my lonliness and lost existance.
I promise I'm sane. I know you spend more time on myspace than you do on Facebook, but I urge you to check me out on Facebook... Christopher Brunette, Eau Claire, WI
I hope you're doing okay. Be careful with the Effexor, wean yourself off, don't just stop it, it could make you worse for a while if you do.
Chris Brunette
My phone is on 24/7
hey i just discovered your blog today and read a lot of your entries.
you seem like a good guy.
good luck with your new bf ;)
saw you at the mcdonald's on the corner of such and such. for the 2nd time (i'm not a stalker..really! we just live near each other i guess...) i really wanted to say 'hi' to you but you were chatting it up w/ a buddy. anyways, just wanted to say you are beautiful. don't worry about your bf or what others thinks about you or whatnot. as long as you are sure of yourself and who you are..stand your ground and know that you serve some purpose greater than you can imagine.
again, though, you are super hot!!! hopefully once i muster up the courage to talk to you, you'll be nice to me!
effexor sucks :[
::HUGS:: ::TICKLES::
JUST SMILE MORE.
i'm just another faceless person online and all i know of you is the public persona and what you've allowed us to know by reading your blog but even with that small piece we know that there's something more to you than sex.
anyone who says that because you are/were a porn star dating you is a mistake is an idiot and a complete jackass.
life can be cold and sad and rather empty so it's no wonder that we reach out and try to find someone to share what little happiness we're allowed.
if you've found someone to share sometime with and who is willing too and not being a total cunt and treating you horribly then let them.
and as someone who has a tendency to do much the same as yourself remember that listening to the negative shit in the back of your head usually leads you to misery so take a different approach and ignore them.
Peace
Your life is more then just a facade, in fact you're a real person with real emotions. I can understand being off medication, some medication can either fatigue an individual, or cause damage to the person physically. While doing the job of medicating.
I'm happy you met someone new I know that in time if this person can love you for who are. It will make the relationship stronger.
I see people post response on asking you to seek help from a
pyschologist. Well let me tell you
that field is flooded with flaws and sometimes finding the right
clinical pyschologist itself can be challenging. Then there is a case of do you really want to subject yourself to that again?.
There is just a few things that
I notice about you that I have encountered with a past relationship. Jealousy is abundant
its something that can be worked on
in time and through proper communication.
And who cares about you being a porn star!...atleast in this day and age you have a job...with so many people either unemployed or laid off be happy where you are.
It has given you exposure to some
things positive. The negative aspect you already know. And the hear say you figure about is something from you're past.
I can just hope the best for you
atleast you open up here more then
on your myspace...
Effexor is made from the same stuff that made the devil. Three months of my life are a fog as a result of that prescription. You're better off without.
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