So i have come to a point in my life of just pure confusion.
I pace back and forth in my apartment. Waiting. Only to realize I'm lost. No one is coming and there is nowhere to go. I sit down and and try to figure it all out and i can't. I'm lost. I'm lost with in my friends, I'm lost within my own family and I'm jut lost within my own head.
Like this morning i wake up fighting demons. Calling every drug dealer i have in my phone in hopes to just get wasted all day long. Thanks to lazy drugs dealers no one returns my calls. Which is for the best, but what if i got hooked up on the first call i made? I'm sure as shit wouldn't be writing this blog. But is that where i wanna be? It was when i woke up. Its not now, but i can't figure out how kill the bad sides of me. I can't help feeling totally defeated and just wanting to give up.
I choose to stay in last night after getting completely ready to go out cause i knew i wouldn't be able to stomach socializing. I wanted to though. How the fuck am i ever gonna meet new people if i don't throw myself out there? Then i think, if i do go out I'll just have to get so fucked up to handle being around people, that I'm not gonna meet anyone new if the first place cause I'll just be the fucked up porn star in the corner that people look at and point at and don't want anything to do with. Thanks but no thanks. The discomfort of being alone is much easier to manage than that. I figured to myself, i could get up early, do the gym and be productive without feeling drug hungover and miserable. Well, i still wake up miserable. Everyday i wake up miserable and one of these days soon I'm just gonna give up. I am not strong enough to deal with this life anymore, i made myself into this pathetic, shadow of a human. I'm so disconnected, just living each day to the next, i feel like a bum. You know, what drives a bum to live each day? Nothing, they just keep waking up on the street and saying "damn, another day, please god, would a cab run me the fuck over today". I feel the same way.
anyways,
It was funny, the other day i got a message on myspace from a guy that goes to my gym. The message was the typical, "your hot" bullshit that normally doesn't get someone a response, but i knew that the guy was from my gym so i responded and told him that i see him at the gym and how i thought it was funny how many guys that go there, that look like they hate me and won't give me the time of day that end up hitting me up on a website like myspace to talk. ( wow talk about a run-on sentence) To which he responded "well you are who you are and if i came up to talk to you people might talk". This drove me crazy. Like who the fuck am i? and who are you afraid to talk to? The slut pornstar, the depressed asshole self loathing blog writer, the funny guest host on D&R that isn't afraid to tell all the listeners when he shit his pants or maybe I'm the self absorbed ego maniac your friend said he saw at a bar. Whatever it maybe, Am i that far damaged that i can't get people to say hello, a smile, anything? I just get the fucking emails saying "well I'm afraid to talk to you since you are who you are, and as much as i think your hot, your not worth knowing in public". All i can think as i have over analyzed this conversation is "god, I'm sure people would talk to James, if they just gave him a chance". But i feel as much as i try and push the real me out, all anyone ever see's is Erik. Its starting to fuck with my head. Its starting to hurt.
I went to see my family yesterday. I can't help to think they read this blog and have started to feel bad for me. All the "i love yous and we are here for yous". But are you really? A good four years past where i was at my lowest and you weren't around then? But now that i spell it out for you in this blog, you understand me. I'm sorry, its not that easy. God, you should see me at these family gatherings, i feel like I'm oozing bullshit. I personally love it when the little kiddies ask me what kind of model i am and when family friends seem to sneak extra pictures of me cuz they don't know the truth yet. Oh what a disappointment i am.
I know this blog sounds so pathetic, and i am such a fucking broken record. its the same crying bullshit all the time from me. I'm sorry. I'm tired of it as much as you and i'm working on getting myself healthcare insurance, cuz i can't do this anymore. Something has finally clicked off and i dont think i'm gonna be able to turn it back on myself. My back is hurting from the weight thats on top of me and i just wanna breathe again. I dont wanna be this person anymore.
Monday, September 1, 2008
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74 comments:
I know you don't really want any advice but maybe these quotes would help. Remember that life goes in cycles with ups and downs, and the bigger the up, the bigger the down and vice versa.
"When we are no longer able to change a situation - we are challenged to change ourselves."- Viktor Frankl
"Forget about the consequences of failure. Failure is only a temporary change in direction to set you straight for your next success."- Dennis Waitley
Hi,
I guess that when you hit rock bottom, you only have the stars to look at and aim for.
Yes, you're depressed, you're sad, you're doing drugs, bla bla bla.
We've all done it. We've all found something bad to cling ourselves too. We've all run away from reality and hid home.
But it takes more strength to leave all the crap we have behind. To take a shower, clean up our mess, smile and KNOW that there's a better tomorrow.
It's little by little. Calling those people who truly love us, mending old friendships, loving more. Loving ourselves more and letting others love us.
People are scared of saying hello or getting close because they are not confident. They don't have the balls to just try and say hello first.
But someone else will.
Hang in there. Life's beautiful and so are you.
You'll be fine.
You shouldn't take the whole "People won't talk to you" thing personally. Maybe it's just me, but I'm still at the stage where hot guys (porn star or not) turn me into a stuttering mess, so it's best to avoid anything good. Does it make sense? Nope. I'm confused as hell. But maybe that's why guys won't talk to you.
Or of course, they could just be a bunch of bitchy, jealous gym queens. Either/Or, really.
But whatever. When they stop global warming and cure cancer, maybe THEN they can pass judgment.
James, you are suffering from clinical depression. It's an illness, and it's not your fault.
The drugging is an attempt to self-medicate -- not a result of your being lazy or evil or self-indulgent.
But you already know that these drugs, while providing temporary relief, will only make you feel worse in the long run.
You must go to a mental health counselor NOW. I know you don't have health insurance, but there are lots of places the uninsured can go in NYC, like the Callen-Lorde Center in Chelsea.
Don't wait any longer. If you had a physical illness, you'd seek treatment for it. Well this IS a physical illness. And it does get better when treated properly.
Trust me -- I know.
I wish you the best.
The root of the problem with people afraid of not talking to you is...
Once they know James more in person, they lose hard on (I have to borrow Derek's word). They lose their fantasy and craving for Erik Rhodes.
That's their problem, not yours. No matter how hard you're "selling James N.", they will turn away and buy "Erik Rhodes" instead.
I'm planning to fly to NY next month, if I happen to see you somewhere on the street, I would probably say hi because I don't know if yourself felt any urge to punch me in my face for the "radio drama" I created on D&R few months ago.
James,
I have not had the chance to read your blog in a while. I have to say "it does suck being depressed and feeling like a bum". I've been in that situation and I am trying to occupy myself so I wont be one. The one thing I notice and admire is your sense of humor in dealing with this "damn, another day, please god, would a cab run me the fuck over today" that mad me laugh. It made me laugh due to the fact that I say similar things.
If anything I say you are not a worthless shadow of a human, you have really good qualities i'm sure. For instance I think you are very good in your grammar :D thats one good thing. You are also very good at getting your point across, now getting some one to listen to that point, well thats a whole new story i'm sure. Still you shouldn't treat yourself like useless garbage.
I am sure your family is concerned now for the same reason you do. Which is the read your blog. Four years ago when you were feeling at your lowest you mentioned your family wasn't there for you, was it because you didn't let them know? Maybe your a person who likes to vent out their feelings in writing, thats what I think. Having words come out of our mouths, depending on the situation isn't an easy task. I think no one knows you better than yourself. Felling and being alone is a bitch as well, especially when your a high profile person in the community, where people look out for their own interest.
You know I think its time for you to pick up a penny off the street and get some change in your life. Take a break from it all run away for a while take a trip and not on drugs. One time (this might sound crazy) but I wanted to run away to Iceland where its fucking cold and no one will find me...just me by myself, me my own best friend out in the Icelandic territory. Just far from civilized society taking a break enjoying the greatness of life. If you must know I feel most alive in cold weather, where I can take things calmly. Yeppp... we all have our own idea of an escape.
I hope all of the above made sense; I'm half asleep and sometimes I write gibberish. Well I must retire to my slumber, I hope you find the ladder to climb out of the depression good luck, and try to keep a smile even if its generic :D
Cordially yours.
Oscar D.
Hi James, my offer at the beginning of this blog is still valid. maybe it is time you consider it more seriously.replay privately,please
Bruno.
Sorry to hear you're down on your luck man. Instead of listening to people who are fucked up as well, I think you should speak with a therapist. It might be more deeply rooted than you think, you tried the blog thing, you tried going to a sex anonymous thing (although you admit you didn't commit all the way), you listen to your fucked up friends, and you hear advice from people on this blog. Why not speak with a therapist, they actually work man. Be candid and honest about yourself and hold nothing back. They can assess your mental health and see what is really going on. Lets also include all the drugs you did, ecstacy, meth, cocaine, etc. All those drugs can cause major mood problems i.e. bipolar, schitzophernia, depression, etc. Trust me my sister was a huge partier and now she's all fucked up. Therapy is helping her out.
As Tall As Lions- Stab City
Stab City Lyrics
Artist(Band):As Tall As Lions
Review The Song (1) Print the Lyrics
Complimentary "Stab City" Ringtone
My heavy head is full of debris.
Sometimes I wish this city would
sink in the sea,
'cause even when I find the love it's fake
and everything I want to touch
would break.
In some strange way
it's like you're never there.
You just float by,
crawling in the air.
I've been so tired
I can barely breathe.
Open your eyes
once and try to see.
So don't say you'll see me.
This skeleton town
with snakes in the grass,
where every single breath you take
might be your last.
And even when you find the love
it's fake
and everything you try to touch will break.
Our crooked feet
burn up this street,
and every time we're passing by
you feel the heat
of 50,000 burning souls asleep.
There's 50,000 crying out to me.
Burn up the city
Erik...
Life is a learning process..you learn from your experiences...
If you think your situation really makes it very hard from you, you get out from the box.
Try to relax your mind..tabula rasa..think as if eveything is back to number 1...there is a point of beginning...in every end comes another beginning..
Life is good..you just need to decipher its essence..each of us have our own purpose why we are here on earth..
Unload yourself...try to sever yourself from your usual routines..try to get some fresh air... a meditation in the countryside or maybe try to seek advices from people whom u think are good and credible...
Try to cut ties with your old self, your old routines, try something new..there are many points of interest wherein you can coin your life...
The world is too big for you to get that depressed and weary.
Think happy. Think simple. ENjoy the littlest happiness of life...you have lots of it..most of us do but we often cannot and do not appreciate those smallest blessings.
always think good and take care of your self.
Bjoern from the Philippines
jay_win_05@yahoo.com
James,
I am sorry to read about how depressed you are, although it may sound like a broken record within these comments but I think most of us have been at some pretty bad lows in our life.
I agree with others when they say that you may just need an escape from New York and the scene. Go where you are just James, where ideally no one will recognize you as Erik Rhodes and enjoy the anonymity...
I have my family's house on Nantucket this weekend with friends and my youngest sister, arriving Friday morning through Monday afternoon. Although out of left field, but you are more than welcome to come by...I can be pretty sure that no one on that island will know you as Erik Rhodes!
-Kevin
I would think that the people who don't want to be seen talking to you are not doing that because you are damaged goods, it's more because they could be chastised as a slut or people might think they are not good enough. Don't take everything too personally.
If, as you think, your family reads this blog and is beginning to understand you, then this is a good thing. No matter how much we love someone, we cannot read their mind and I think that you're not very verbal with your true feelings. Writing them down helps both you and your family know the reality.
Get the health insurance-reading between the lines, I think you realize that you need some guidance and this is the first step in getting it. Good on you.
Right now, focus on yourself and not how you perceive others see you. Fuck 'em.
Aw James, I don't know you and probably never will. I don't want to fuck you, nor am I crushing on you. Reading your thoughts over all these months makes me care. I'm sure it's the same for a lot of your readers. You have more well wishers that you probably want to believe.
All you have to do is ask...
I do not think it could be conveyed any better than edmcan's comment.
-Kevin
you'll get through it, it's kinda cyclical to be honest with ya...I've gone through the same. :) just take baby steps
Keep ur head up B!
Cuz ya know from shit comes flowers.
-Kit-
Hold in there, kiddo. Things are going to get better if you let them. Not everyone out there is after Erik Rhodes instead of James and you'll discover that more and more once you make peace with the construct that is Erik Rhodes. Once YOU can accept that it's ok to play a role sometimes without it defining who you are, others will be okay with it too.
You're not a disappointment, you have never been a disappointment, you will never be a disappointment. Anyone who tells you differently simply doesn't get it -- they haven't lived your life, so they can't know. One of these days you're gonna stop struggling against the way things are, you're going to quit fighting and that's the point when life will improve.
You're doing remarkably well, James. You're not broken and you're not alone. Sooner or later you'll begin to see that.
erik, you're just like what you described in your very first sentence. you've been going back and forth in your life. it's no wonder you've never seen any progress. make an effort. have a decision and stick through with it.
if you wanna do drugs and be pathetic about it, go the full monty (of course this is something i would discourage). which brings one only obvious choice. stay off, quit whining, and get your bi-polar ass off the couch, and get a job. any job. as long as its decent and it makes you wanna bitch about it here on your blog. (we still need some of your blog fodder)
Hello Erik:
I know what they are crises and depression and not the desire to anyone. Only I wish you strength. He thinks that if you feel bad with someone or something with you that this is really wanting to come to light and you refuse to accept. My best wishes to you recover from this depression. José from Argentina.
I don't quite know how to comment to your blog, although I have wanted to respond a few times, just did not want to sound like the do-gooders you have said you don't want to hear from. But I figured I would give it a go anyway.
As a formerly depressed person (and one who knows all too well the struggle being depressed entails), I have been where you are, and no matter how many people said, "things will get better," or my favorite, "you have everything to live for, so many others would kill for what you have, how can you possibly be depressed?" it never got through, especially in that state. My answer was always, "what's the point?"
I really believe that unless one has been truly depressed, one cannot fathom how horrific it is. At my worst, my life felt like I was walking through waist-deep mud, ever slowing down and sinking, never to be able to pull myself out of the pit of quicksand. To tell you the truth, I did come that close to saying so long to the seemingly endless ordeal. Hmm, well, enough of that. The step I took, and seems to be a decision you have either made or seem close to, is therapy.
I had no health insurance at that time, same as you. A friend of mine practically dragged me to Washington Square Institute. I checked their web site and they are still around. Very affordable, sliding scale rates. If you are serious about getting some help, check them out.
Gee, it sounds like I am trying to drum up biz for them, lol. I dunno, I actually went through the process of setting up an account on here to do this, so I hope you will take this advice how I intend it. I, myself, would not be here if I had not taken that first step. Take care.
maybe you need god...that's what everyone tells me.
after my partner died six years ago, i moved to NYC (from Cali) so nobody would see as I destroyed myself. I remember that misery and the day i realized i would never be able to turn that lightswitch back on myself.
The Power of Now + Cymbalta = i survived. Off the pills now, still feel silly for having taken them. But i didn't jump off the Tappan Zee like i tried to more than a couple times.
Now here i am back in la-la land. just skimmed through your blog. one day you'll laugh at what a bunch of narcissistic crap this is you're spewing and how, really, nobody in the world gives a shit...nor should they. but you won't be able to see that until you simply get some help and make it through.
otherwise go take a walk on the Tappan Zee. It's beautiful this time of night.
Hey James, If you want a random soundboard to simply throw your thought processes at, thats what I had for a good number of years. (It was a nice release). I still have never met the guy; that wasnt really the point. Anyways, Im 25, from the midwest, and have had a lot of the same thoughts in the past. Name's Travis. Hit me up and have a good day if and when you read this. tsr241@truman.edu.
Eric, then don't be that person anymore. There are a million different ways to live as a gay man.
Make new friends, find new people. Find the people who are happy. Find what makes you happy. What you are doing now certainly isn't it. Reinvent yourself. Make different life choices. It's never too late. Good luck.
dude, james, i feel you and it's going to be okay. somehow I found your blog and can't help but cry cuz your thoughts are familiar- too familiar. earlier i was in bed, trying to sleep and my thougts were racing, wouldn't stop. all the shit of the day and then some, with no end in sight. I get up and read your blog. damn. your writing is intense and totally awesome. you have to know this. know that you are important and the thoughts you convey are helpful to others. don't be afraid of life, embrace its aweful nature and make it worth while. i can't stand it when people tell me shit like that, but really it's true. remember T.R.- that's the way it goes, but don't forget, it goes the other way too. that's the way romance is. usually that's the way it goes, but every once and awhile, it goes the other way too. now u have me on your side. sweet peaceful dreams xoxo sonny (not a glow worm) from san diego.
Keep your chin up kid, you'll be okay. Make yourself go do something new everyday. Sitting in the house and being alone is fuel for the fire.
You're more special than you know.
wow, i feel so bad for you.
you're ridiculous outcries to society are sickening. you crave attention.
and you ♥ it. i know you do.
'no one loves me, no one loves me'
you big fucken baby.
i stumbled across you're blog today and read through it. it's interesting to know the majority of homos who read you're blog are pretty fucked up themselves, with these.....petty...'i care for you erik/james, please lets go out on a date' desperado comments.
hey, credit to you for posting this suicide watch blog, but the majority of people who CREATE blogs are ambitious, creative and inspiring individuals....sad to say, you're negative in all fields.
i feel pain for those who lose loved ones from cancer, sudden natural causes, crime, etc...but you're pathetic life...no one should feel pain for. you got into the wrong crowd....starting off with twinky over there. yeah, you know which one.
just please, shut yourself down already. and do it with class.
and never ever mention anything about cobain. you're not worthy enough.
ok, i'm done.
oh wait....here's a quote...
'shut the fuck up already and die'
---figure that one out.
Jesus Fucking Christ Erik! Get over yourself already.
Everyone has problems, everyone has been dumped at least once... if you can't handle it, then get professional help. It will be far more comforting, than looking for sympathic comments from blog readers.
I don't even like reading your blog... you're a total train wreck.
Each time I read it, you're more pathetic than the last. Keep on making raunchy porn, being a rent boy for losers who have to pay for it, and fucking be satisfied with the life decisions YOU have made for YOURSELF.
Well, let me just say that I read this post early in the day, and after I finished reading it I was shocked, speechless and almost in tears, so I had to leave it and came back late in the night to give it a second thought. Being 21 years old it may not be my place to comment on most of the statement you posted, but let me tell you something first of all I'm a person who sees the best in everybody and a "people pleaser" and sometimes people fail hard on me and that destroys me bit by bit, so when I read the part where those guys sent you the emails saying that they couldn't come and talk to you because of who you are, being afraid of gossip, it broke my spirit. Sometimes I forget how low people can get, and without thinking for a second they have no idea how much damage they can make. For somebody to tell you that is the lowest thing to say, and that makes me sad and mad mostly, because I can't believe that still are this kind of people who are so mentally challenged, but seeing the other half part of the situation, than being with suck stupid kind of people you are so but so much better of. At least you didn't had to waste your time knowing and socializing with them, and later to find out what limited they are. But for the other part just try not to lose it, you're not alone...
Hi,
I happened to stumble across this blog by googling your name, well your um stage name. I must say that what you write intrigues me, especially because I wasn't looking for this. It is fascinating how unhappiness seeps into one's life. When I looked at you in the past, I looked with rose colored glasses. My superficial thoughts fueled by my libido, and you weren't James. Fuck, I didn't know that guy. Instead you were Erik Rhodes the porn god, with the amazing musculature, cocky exuberant smile, and overabundance of great sex. My horny mind filled with glamour of being a beautiful big dicked porn star like you with no cares in the world....
Then reality sets in
Of course come the stigmas that are associated with your "illustrious" life. The drugs, disease, unhappiness, failure, death. We the fans, we the ones who mindlessly stroke our cocks to the character that was created for us, we are jaded. We forget that you are a person, we forget that you have emotions, and problems just like others do. and in fact these problems are intensified because of the life you lead. We forget because its not the fantasy, its not the stuff that makes us shoot our loads.
Many of the people who send you comments are still wearing those rose colored glasses. They offer salvation as if they know the way. They crush over you, Erik Rhodes, they fantasize and they forget that you aren't him.
I'm not here to bash you or to save you. I am here to say that i wish you happiness and i give my apologies for forgetting the man behind the mask.You are an intelligent and dynamic person. I also am here to remind you that even though you feel so trapped in something that was self generated, even though you feel that you can't escape that teeming misery, even though you placate yourself with addictions and building more muscle, you can find true happiness. Escape your demons for your own sake.
If you do read this, i appreciate the reality you gave back to me, and when i do see you on a screen, which i wont deny is going to happen in the future, I will give a thought to James and how he's doing.
peace,
-Zack
People don't talk to you because they're shy, not because they're ashamed of being associated with a porn star.
get help before you kill yourself.
gossip wins : I disagree with you that the majority of those who create blogs are creative and inspiring individuals. With just a few exceptions, most blogs are created as one big personal ad for insecure lonely people who need to keep a public diary to assure themselves that the rest of the world is focused on them.
BTW : Maybe Eric/James just needs a REAL man, maybe some bruiser just back from Iraq, to regularly spread E/J's legs as wide as they can go and send his club streamlining up in him.
James -
You will make it through this - you're recognizing what the issues are, are that's a major step in starting to deal with them. There is better ahead for you. Even though you may question some of your decisions and feel confused, from what you wrote in this posting, you are making progress. People have treated you badly, yes - and confronting that, rather than just accepting it, is necessary and positive. Erik will fade away, if you're willing to release him. Give James a fighting chance. Stay strong, and keep dealing with one day at a time.
Just read you... you are at a good place as you are lucid about where you are... Its not easy but believe you can rebuilt yourself clean and you will achieve it! Been there...
As far as other people reactions, f**k them! Its their problem!
I have been looked down at when I lost everything by people that I use to think were my friends.. That hurts...
My way to go through it has been to keep my head up... keeping in mind my self worth... looking proud.
Today, most act as consumers... It is unfortunate, people will relate to the format of individual they see. Only with time people relate to the content.. Show yourself as the one you want to be seen as!
Good luck, that worked for me, I hope it will work for you!
All the best,
Rick
Hey James.
I truly feel for you. It will get better.
Remember the serenity Prayer:
God, grant me the serenity to
accept the things I cannot change
change the things I can
and the wisdom to know the difference.
I work bartending in your neighborhood at the Rawhide (Thurs/Fri/Sat) nights 10-4am if you are feeling lonely and want to talk I'm there.
Roger
tornado
You're not the only one feeling this way. Every single day is a challenge for me.
It's interesting really to look at pictures of you or see you in videos and not think, "hey this person has feelings and has problems in life, too". And you do, and it's so easy to forget about such things.
Don't worry about sounding whiny. You're human, and getting those feelings out is better than keeping them in, even if it's just on your blog.
Also this is my first comment on your blog, I didn't know you had one until today.
Not only are you hot, but you have great music taste. I remember reading an interview you did, saying that NIN was your favourite band. That's so awesome. Finding gay guys that have good music taste is so difficult in the world of Britney Spears.
Take care, and feel free to check out my blog sometime if you want!
http://khristopher.com
Hi, Slipping Away!
I'm not an emo blog person and I don't even remember how I got here. I was watching Kathy Griffins on youtube while laughing my butt off then OMG, somehow I tuned into this dark suicidal depression hell that you are in? Well, thx a lot. Now I'm depressed too, woo hoo! You probably don't even care but hey, since you kinda ruined my mood, I'm gonna give your most recent suicide note, I mean, blog entry, a 2 out of 10. And that's a big F! :D
Your problem is so obvious - the whole love, drug, sex and video thing is fuking you up! You're all burnt out! Just go book an oversea holiday and leave your DRUG and cell phone home (and I'm sure Falcon and those screw experts can screw themselves well without you). Life is not just all about gym and sex. Take a break and go enjoy the sky, the beach and even the strangers. Just be yourself, not as a hot straight or gay or bi gym god, but as a simple human being. Then if you still can't get yourself out of the curse of gym depression, you can always leave another suicide note, I mean, blog entry to whine about it! That's what people do with blogger all the time! :p Oh man, I need to start my own blog too.
Seriously tho, I hope next time when I come across to this blog of yours (god knows when, lol), you will have some entries for me to feel jealous about - something bit like that bloody April 13 entry. Oh btw, who the fuk is Danny? Why you feel the need to keep people that depress you in your life? Falcon them! <3
Ha!
Now you know what I feel like. I hate it when really buff gay men don't look at me becuase I'm fat, but I think: "What about Erik Rhodes?"
"Here's a guy", I'll say to myself, who is hot as Hell, but he's a "bed wetter"; he's the guy who shit on another guy; he's a whore; he's a fucked up person. And he gets laid all because he has a nice bodie, he could have HIV and still get laid more than me because of that one shallow gay reason. And then, I wonder if I say "Hello", will he respond to me on Myspace?
Sometimes we see ourselves best when other people (like the guy at your gym) do things to us - things we don't like - which we do to other people.
If I had readers like yours, I would definitely kill myself.
It's amazing how everyone thinks you're talking to them and it's also amazing how cheap their advice to you is.
Actually, if I was depressed like you were, and I had readers like yours, I'd feel a lot better just knowing I wasn't as fucked up as them.
And furthermore......I've said "Hello" to you a thousand times and not once have you...
I don't think it matters what anyone says to "Guys Like You"!!!
"Erik" & "James" are the same person. You cannot stop people from thinking that.
This must be some sort of publisity stunt :P
Man if you really are depressed, its a rut you got yourself into and no body else is going to pick up your pieces..
the really sad thing is people actully look up to this charater youve created
yeah right! i just realized you have lil wayne on your music player thing, Fuckin A, who would thought, all that depressive shit was hiding the glory of weezy
Brians Not Trying : If you're a fat fuck why don't you start losing the weight? You're as bad as Eric-James.
Wow, whenever I'm having a bad day, all I have to do is read your blog --and I feel so much better.
You have made such a mess of everything in your life. You only have to look in the mirror for who to blame.
And NO, I would never say hello to you either... The guy who does, could be the one you punch-fucked at IML, when Crisco and shit were all over the bed, walls and ceiling. And that's only one of the experiences you'll admit to...
Life is Sweet
It's a pity
It's a crying shame
Who pulled you down again?
How painful it must be
To bruise so easily inside
It's a pity
It's a downright crime
But it happens all the time
You wanna stay little daddy's girl
Wanna hide from the vicious world outside
But don't cry
Know the tears'll do no good
So dry your eyes
Your daddy he's the iron man
A battleship wrecked on dry land
Your mama she's a bitter bride
She'll never be satisfied,
And you know
That's not right
But don't cry
Know the tears'll do no good
So dry your eyes
They told you life is hard
It's misery from the start
It's dull and slow and painful
I tell you life is sweet
In spite of the misery
There's so much more
Be grateful
Who do you believe?
Who will you listen to
Who will it be?
It's high time that you decide
In your own mind
I tried to comfort you
I tried to tell you to be patient
cause they are blind
and they can't see
Fortune gonna come one day
This all gonna fade away
Your daddy the war machine and
Your mama the long and suffering
Prisoner of what she cannot see
They told you life is hard
It's misery from the start
It's dull and slow and painful
I tell you life is sweet
In spite of the misery
There's so much more
Be grateful
Who do you believe?
Who will you listen to
Who will it be?
It's high time you decide
It's time you make up your own sweet little mind
They told you life is long
Be thankful when it's done
Don't ask for more
You should be grateful
But i tell you life is short
Be thankful because before you know
It will be over
Cause life is sweet
And life is also very short
Your life is sweet
lyrics by Natalie Merchant
HOLY FUCK: This blog is not a suicide note and as much as i sometimes address readers of this blog it is for me, Its something that lets me clear my head, living this life solitude.
You know and for all the people that say this blog is just ego inspired. Its not. One of the reason i keep writing is for the tons of emails i get thanking me for giving people something they can relate to. It suck feeling alone when your depressed but its nice to know there are others out there who are in the same boat.
Brain's not trying: I'm not sure what you have said to me on myspace, but please understand i get hundreds of email on there each day. i try to read them all but i only respond to ones that stand out. Its nothing personal so stop taking it that way.
Hi James!;
First time I read your blog.
We don't really know each other.
You did not surprise me though.
How you look or how popular you are is not the true measure of you're worth... You actually are even more beautiful inside...
Take care of yourself;
You deserve the best and... turn on the light;
Vincent
x
I know this will probably come off as harsh but why the fuck do people have to approach you exactly?
This post states that no one is coming for you, no one comes up to say hello to you at the club or at the gym or wherever....
If you aren't willing or able to approach people, you may be sending out "stay away from me" signals. These would different from those "date and I'll ruin your life" signals you have mentioned b4 :)
I think if you have a thick skin, some balls and a decent personality, you should be go to go and feel free to talk to whomover you like whereever and whenever. Of course then you have to be prepared to:
Wade through a LOT of ASSHOLES to find one good person
Accept rejection for what it is...someone elses opinion of you which is nothing but caca.
I have friend who always had problems meeting people and would bitch and moan about how no one would come and say hello to him when he went out.
I have always been an approacher so I would go out with him and help him get the ball rolling with guys and then disappear. Well we met a guy one night that I was chatting up and asking what he thought about my friend and the guy said that my friend always had a pissed out look on his face and while the guy liked my friend, he was afraid to approach him.
This blew my mind, my friend was afraid to apprach anyone and gave off a vibe that intimidated others from approaching him. How does anyone get laid if this is the kind of shit going through peoples heads????
I think if you put yourself out there you would be suprised by the reaction. Sure some people would crack a 'tude at you but the real magic starts when you connect with people just based on your willingness to reach out and try.
oh and give your family a break... if they are reading the blog and reaching out to you then they really care and are concerned for you. They may not have been there 4 years ago or whatever but they are there now and sometimes that is all that matters.
pugs not drugs
iabe
You're into ANTM, right? Perhaps next time you're looking for something to do besides drugs, try this:
Go to www.surfthechannel.com. It's a site that has TV shows from across the globe. If you haven't seen it, you can watch episodes of Australia's Next Top Model. Maybe that will help keep your mind off of things.
Take it personally?
I'm expressing my emotions as much as you are by writing this blog.
This blog and your life are not your own and I think you missed the point of what I'm saying.
As a writer myself, I have to say this blog isn't for you -- you just write it. If you wanted to prove how egotistical you aren't, then why comment on what people have said to that affect?
Brian's not trying:
he did say it was a way for him to let out how he feels. maybe he doesn't have someone that he can like really talk too so this is his way of venting. people do that sometimes.
and for the guy at the gym whoever he is what a loser for saying hi on myspace of all places. like if he really wanted to talk to him he would've walked up to him instead of being a chicken shit.
but who am i.
"Think of your head like a dangerous neighborhood. Don't ever go there alone."
Lose the pride and self-obsession. Go to an AA meeting and help someone else feel comfortable, wanted, and loved there. The only way to achieve peace is to give it to others.
Your life right now is very small. You won't realize the power and beauty of your moment in time right now unless you get help. Let others (in AA) help. What you've been doing so far... your best thinking... got you here. You aren't capable of getting yourself out alone.
Stay away from AA...it's a cult!
Hey Erik,
I read your blog for the first time today and I really hope you get to read this. I must say I understand what you're going through at the moment.
I'm 25 and I live in Toronto. I went through something similar as you are going through now 2 years ago, in Australia. I thought I had the perfect life in Sydney. Anyways, I won't give too many details for now but I had to change so many things in my life to make sure I would live up the rest of it as happy as I can be.
I realize now even though people around might think I have less popularity and I'm boring and serious although I'm still goodlooking, I don't care. I don't involve myself in trying to shine among people who compete everyday to make sure they look as close to perfection as they can in terms of lifestyle, reputation, looks, etc. anymore. I guess I decided to respect myself at some point 'cause I realized if I won't no one truly will.
I'm still cute, I love going to the gym, I do public relations and I love it, I'm independent, I love my life and even though I'm so far from my best friends who live in other cities 'cause of the choices I made, I fight, I work, I progress and even though sometimes it's hard 'cause I'm alone so often, I prefer having quality people around me rather than hot and popular bullshitters who leave you empty (no frustration here, I think it's just the truth).
Most people always try to get something from you when you represent a sort of ideal or when you have something they'd like to have or reach. Just keep everything to yourself or share the great person you are with people who are worth it only. I think it's the best way to respect yourself and becoming happier - otherwise you start wasting yourself to people who don't actually care about you.
I hope you have the strenghth to get strong and happy again slowly but surely. I'm sure you do.
All the best for the best. ;)
Simon
hey
hey erik,
I've been reading your blog for a while now. Ilive in New Zealand and never seen one of your movies but your blog is about one of the most inspiring things I have seen in a long time. I'm gay and from a really small town which dosnt help. I was really depressed for a long time. So i needed to change my scenery and finally moved. Which has been the best thing I have ever done. I'm not looking back.
Sometimes the biggest risk is doing nothing. I belive thats what you are doing. Your a big role model for me. Get some balls and start changing your life. You really need to.
Keep bloging and keep looking foward.
Kiwi
James,
I think you may be taking to heart what this rude person said to you and internalizing it too much.
Gay men may not come up to you at a bar or at the gym because they are afraid they don't "measure up" to you. They aren't good looking enough, they aren't muscular like you - I mean you are a great looking guy.
The gay community can be very mean and sometimes when people try to "chit chat" the other person thinks you're trying to pick them up. so they let it be known they are "not interested" which makes the gay community unfriendly at times.
I think it's really these other people scared of you that causes this situation. So I say just be friendly, be nice to the other gay men around you - regardless of hotness. You will see it return to you.
Hello,
Dude, you are good, maybe it's the inner demond, or shall I say the drugs or celebrity syndrome making you feel the way you are, too bad, man people wish that was the case of there depression. I feel the same, but, NO OFFESE, I'm not a celebrity in a way, I can't say it's this or that that makes me feel depressed. I am alone, indefeinetly, if I could spell right this would sound best. You have a lot of pressure going for you!!! I, in that case, don't. Stop whining!! You have it better than most people. Think of what you have. It will be all good. It could be worse. YOU ARE POPULAR. you at least have shoulder to lean on. amoung other people, like myself, relie on you. make us imagine that you are ok. even it you aren't! Look around you. What can one say, OH YOU HAVE IT SO BAD!!!! But really you don't among other people like myself!!! So Shape up and relax dude it COULD BE WORSE!!!!
-ZITRO
Most of you that have answered his blog are fucking losers. No wonder he doesn't respond to your crap thoughts (even in his most messed up state). Do you honestly think he is that desperate? Do the rest of us a favor and blog yourself to death- the sooner the better. Good luck James, looks like you'll need it- run and don't look back. Oh and not all gays guys are freaks, fat fucks pervs, without lives. In fact, I'm finding fags on-line, that try to hook-up, or jerk themselves because they can't get a date are what you would expect, DUMB ASS LOSERS. FUCK YOU SHIT FOR BRAINS BITCHEs. Go get a stuffed animal and stick it up your ass, especially if you are religious or repecblican! Have a good weekend James. Oh and loving the 'shit worth listeing to'- please add more, as it is the reason I visit this blog. Richard Kelly rules- regarding DD! peace, sonny
Only when you choose to live on you will see how it ends. To end things prematurely you will miss the endings and credits.
You wouldn't want that would you?
This is what kept me going. My problems are different in nature but similiar in effect. I hope I can find something common so can have some form of comfort.
James....please go see a therapist of some kind; one you like and feel comfortable with...you absolutely need some kind of help. I don't know you at all but there is something about the tone of your writing that I really like and admire. You are courageous to be so honest on such a public forum. You are stronger than you give yourself credit for. If New York is too much because of the people (you can't escape your porn identity there) then you might think about moving somewhere a little more low key like Portland, Oregon or Seattle or some small town that has easy access to a major city, like around Atlanta.
You are too smart and interesting (judging the quality of introspection on this blog) to do away with any part of yourself, except for the porn and drugs part; that needs to go for sure.
I mean, yeah, do I think you are hot? Yes. Did I come here because of that at first? Yes. But I have been to other "porn star" blogs and have never returned. You are much more worthy than you think. You seem kind and loving and desperate to be confident enough to express it.
I really wish you luck James. And I would be very sad if I heard something bad happened. This last post made me wish I could meet you in some bar and just leave, go for a walk and talk about stuff! No sex, just talk. You need a friend.
anyway...not much I can write without sounding like some cliched barnacle.
Seriously, hang in there and find some good people to talk to, even if it's clinical; don't be biased against those professionals...a lot of them know what they are talking about from their own experiences.
You can interpret this however you wish and all I can do is tell you I am sincere but if you want to email me (I know it seems strange) and chat, I am happy to get your mail: jcclarkeru@gmail.com
jc
Hi from sunny Greece,
Just one comment...
ACCEPT IT ..PLEASE PLEASE ACCEPT IT ...all these the pain, the frustration, the dissappointment.. allow your ego/ spoilt brat do the talking but don't identify with it...let these monotonous mental tapes of fear/ anger play, let these urges, this itch demand your attention and just ACCEPT IT, ACCEPT IT, ACCEPT IT,ACCEPT IT, ACCEPT IT, ACCEPT IT,ACCEPT IT, ACCEPT IT, ACCEPT IT,ACCEPT IT, ACCEPT IT, ACCEPT IT,ACCEPT IT, ACCEPT IT, ACCEPT IT,ACCEPT IT, ACCEPT IT, ACCEPT IT,ACCEPT IT, ACCEPT IT, ACCEPT IT,
ACCEPT IT, ACCEPT IT, ACCEPT IT,ACCEPT IT, ACCEPT IT, ACCEPT IT,
why not try that?.
make peace with your inner brat/ ego but don't let it fool you...accept the full range of both negative and positive emotions as if you had asked for them..
I think most of the guys here on the blog mean well, but we won't ever "cure" you because there's nothing to be cured. The peace you're looking for is within you..just stop paying attention to the mental chatter and perhaps stop wasting time by identifying yourself with every feeling and emotion.
:-)
Kostas
hey. so hear it sort of goes... i dread going out and talking to people i have no interest in, which are most of the people i meet, and... the only boys that are interested in me are fuck ups, like myself, except they don't realize it until i leave them..... i have two bottles of pills waiting for me to swallow and i am actually too chicken shit to do it. so hey erik, whats up? ;-)
You are the coolest, I just think you get caught up in your own head too much. Maybe finding some distractions would help, (the gym, movies, whatever) but what the fuck do I know?! ha! You are a really strong person and i know you are not going to let this defeat you. Again, reading this makes me feel so much less alone in my feelings about being gay, single, etc. You rock!
James,
Been there, done that. I finally went to a doctor and got my "happy pills" I am now very content with my middle-aged, midwest life. I love NYC, but it put me into overdrive. Too many bars, too much sex (well...not as much as before..I kinda lost my body...well, I didn't lose it, I just have more of it...talk about a run on sentence) made me crazy. I bought tickets to Broadway shows to keep me out of the bars and other crazy places. You might want to leave the Big Apple and come out to the Big Corn. I could show you how to lose that body so that people would talk to James. I guess that is an invitation. Of course, I would want to jump you bones in the meantime...Just a thought...
Tommy
You cannot be happy and selfish at the same time.
People care, and what if people came up to you and showed you genuine kindness and affection?
Maybe you'd just think it was bullshit anyway.
Maybe I cant see what you're going through from this side of the camera, but would you honestly welcome and believe someone who just came up to you and was warm, friendly, and kind?
Or would you think they were just trying to get you naked or your money or drugs?
Make sure you know what you want before you ask for it, and that you will accept it if it comes along your way.
Help someone around you, give something away or donate money to a charity. Make someone else's life better, thats how I feel better when Im down.
And, from one homo to another, i seriously am struggling with self hatred and am finally coming to terms with god and liking myself. I am learning to respect myself and know that I am loved.
James, You are loved. (i know you're going to think this sounds like bullshit and blah blah blah) It might not everyone around you, your adoring fans and whatnot.
Your mom loves you, your dad loves you, and I know that other people who you may have forgotten about years ago still think about you and smile and hope the best for you, and God loves you.
Those people love you and will always love you. feel it, accept it, get your self respect and dignity back because you're an amazing amazing guy and you need to see that again.
Im praying for you bub.
One more thing...
A friend showed me this. Know you're a big Nine Inch Nails fan, so you might like this:
lolnin
Hi James,
I think you keep hoping for some big-ass tragedy to "wake you up" or change your life for you.
Why?
Take charge of your life and be your own boss, man. When you are this self-aware you are already half-way there. Kick your own ass and finish the lap.
Maybe you are just a miserable person by nature--in that case, don't change yourself but just ride it out. I hope not though.
Bon courage Erik.
Je crois que nous perdons tous du temps à partager nos expériences, donner des leçons, citer des poèmes, prétendre connaitre la vérité.
En écrivant, nous pensons tous faire le bien autour de nous, alors qu'en faite, c'est pour son propre bien. (C'est ce que je fais là, maintenant). C'est alors un dialogue de sourd, tout comme lorsqu'on fait une prière à un dieu qui n'existe pas, ne réponds pas. Tout le monde se parle à soit même. Et sans le faire exprès, même toi, tu conditionnes les gens à dire ce que tu souhaites entendre. Il suffit de couper la musique que tu fais jouer en arrière plan et j'ai alors envie de dire autre chose que ce que j'écris.
Donc, oui, un blog est inutile et dangereux, pour peu qu'on soit un peu intelligent. Si tu crois en dieu, pries en silence, pas à haute voie. Sinon, c'est encore que tu exprimes ton gout pour la pornographie.
Mon conseil, détruit cet espace, ne t'imagines pas qu'il puisse être utile à quelqu'un. Il ne fut utile qu'à toi même.
Eric/James - it's not only time to end this blog - it's time to hang it up for good buddy. You're done - rope, gun, pills, pillow - doesn't really matter my friend - just end your suffering and our suffering. Think of the Obit on gaypornblog.com - it will be great
james james james. you are a hooker yourself. you are a sociopath. you manipulate people so they feel sorry for you and think...oh this roid head want to make me feel like a lady...hes a fucking fisting bottom fyi---unless youre paying him...and then you try to ruin them......and usually do......james wants to be seen and noticed....just ignore this toxic peice of shit. you are a sociopath. from the moment you told me you get hard ons when someone cries in front of you. or when you were fucked on fire island bareback by 16 people on crystal meth. are someone who admitted to having anal sex with over 1,500 people by the age of 24.. you are in fact inhuman and not in a cool death metal trent reznor way. stay away from this fucked up loser and look up the term "sociopath" you will know all you need to know about this SOCIOPATH- james / erik..it all co
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