I was walking home the other night, down 28th street to lex. If your a New Yorker you would know that this just happens to be where all the "50 dollar blow job in your car" female hookers work. Anyways, i walk past these sluts on a regular basis, and as oversexed and worn out as there pussies might be, they always cat call as i walk by. But this time was different. One of the regular blonds stopped me and said "I know your not "looking", but i just was wondering why is it that you never smile". Kinda shocked, the only thing i could respond with was " sorry but i don't talk with street hookers" and i walked away. I made it half way down the block before i began laughing to myself. I was actually returning home for getting my toes sucked for 500 bucks. I'm not sure why i think I'm any better than these sluts, i guess cuz I'm not working a street corner? Maybe cuz i don't wear fishnets and try to make a quota of at least 10 dicks in my mouth before i call it a night? Anyways what she said to me, got me thinking. Is it possible that these street walkers are somehow happier than me? I mean she called me out, i have walked past them a good enough times, is my daily unhappiness that obvious that these street hooker feel bad for me and feel the need to try to provide me with some sort of roadside therapy? Has it got that bad?I guess I'm never very really happy walking around my building anyways, i always fear that i will bump into my ex that still lives in my building. At points i hope to see him, just to walk past him and show him i don't care anymore, sometimes i wish to see him with whoever he is dating just to make his new fling feel inferior, other times i kinda wish we could just be friendly, so that i could possibly see my dogs that i miss so much.
Moving on,
So i have been throwing myself out there lately, going out as much as i hate it, talking with strangers and trying to be social, honestly past the point i am comfortable with. I'm not sure what i expect, but most nights i still go home disappointed. I have actually had some of the worst nights of my life just recently. i have chosen not to write about them to spare the poor kids i was withs egos. (yes Dylan and Evan, you awful little shits, I'm talking about you). I'm not sure why. Its just not worth talking about, just some more simple mistakes i have made that i have since corrected. I do not think i have lost control, the sex and drugs of being single, despite my huge bottle of G, have not got the best of me... yet. In fact my nightly G use has been me more happy then i been in awhile. Although, I still wake up hating life. I guess i can't have everything i want huh?
Oh a positive note, i have just signed my ass up for some health insurance. I look forward to countless hours of brainwashing and life changing sessions with a therapist. I predict a grocery list of prescriptions after my first visit. Hopefully I'll get some good shit that will feel alot better if i abuse them or inject them. Just kidding... maybe. I just want something that shuts my brain off. I'm tired of over thinking every little thing. I want the crazy persons dream of just being able to feel normal around people.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
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94 comments:
I miss our little talks, but I'm really happy that you got the health insurance. We'll see each other again very soon - me with a cheese steak, cheese fries and a large coke in hand
Also glad I'm the first guy posting to this entry - not sure why...
You're such a snot. You "don't talk to street hookers"? Then all you wonder is if they might be happier than you. It's all about you, you, you. You're almost sociopathic. It never would cross your mind that that hooker is a human being too, just struggling to survive, and you probably made her feel worse about herself. You just can't see or feel anything unless it's about yourself. And all these silly turds come on here gushing, "Oooooh...you're such a good guy. There are people who love you for YOU, Erik/James." Bunch of delusional losers.
All I can say is TY for being real! I'm sorry that your mind is fucking with you I know how that is! I don't know you personally but over time from reading your post your an amazing Real person. I wish in your world you could be surrounded by people you could trust and not people that see you as just a sex object or omg I know a famous person. Get you a nice place down here in Florida a quite area not miami ect and have a nice get away from all the worlds bullshit. I admire you as a person and wish you well!
Well, maybe she was one of those "Pretty Woman" style hookers, with the heart of gold and the "No kissing on the lips" rule.
As for the Health Care, nice to see your looking after yourself. Although you should probably give Canada a try. Sure, we may be annoying as sin, but you'll have enough free meds to make us bareable.
P.S. random question, but are you going to Black and Blue?
Amen for the insurance James. Look after yourself and enjoy therapy; at last someone will listen to everything you have to say. It isn't as negative a thing as you seem to think. Therapists DO NOT judge.
re. street hooker-I'm glad you saw the irony in your remark. And why would you be such a cunt to her anyway? I guess you have that musclefag superiority complex. Try thinking, 'there, but for the grace of God, go I'. Porn stardom doesn't last forever and eventually, you'll have to drop your prices. Maybe they used to do porn too???
As an ex sex worker i was saddened to hear your remarks about the street workers. Yes, as far as the sex industry is concerned they are the lowest of the low, but why did you do it?
Did it make you feel better? Given your comments, i dont think it did.
Maybe youre a bad person. Maybe you have no concience. A little sad really - but then - as you keep telling us - youre a sad individual.
I would hope the therapist works, but I dont think it will - you seem completely without emotion.
How sad for you.
And to think, Ashton said you were a nice guy - i dont know how he worked that one out.
genuinely saddened.
"...i always fear that i will bump into my ex that still lives in my building. At points i hope to see him, just to walk past him and show him i don't care anymore, sometimes i wish to see him with whoever he is dating just to make his new fling feel inferior, other times i kinda wish we could just be friendly, so that i could possibly see my dogs that i miss so much."
GET THE FUCK OVER DANNY, PLEASE! You use the dogs as an excuse James-you miss him. Do you need a building to fall on you? MOVE ON - he has, quite clearly. Maybe the hookers reacted to the torch you so obviously carry late at night. Must scare off the johns
Jeremy: Black and Blue, no thanks. Plus Canada doesnt like me.
Dtnz: you worked a street corner also? Weird. OH, and who the fuck is Ashton? (perhap another person who claims to know me and doesnt)
Edman: I am over danny. Yeah i wish things worked out differently, but i am moving on, but shit those dogs never did anything to me. I miss them. Its not fair.
hookers are trash.
they.are.trash.
making money from sex is profitable and doesnt make you a hooker.
Hmm... I don't understand riotriotriot's comment at all. Literally: What does it mean?
More importantly, I was all set to bash Erik/James just as joey7777 did. But then I got to the part where E/J realizes the irony of his looking down on hookers when he, in fact, is one too.
It's moments like these that redeem E/J and make him something close to human.
Here's hoping the therapy leads to more of them.
ha...congrats on the insurance i'm about to get some as well..yay for benefits..interesting insight btw on the hooker
Pity party table for 1. So your life sucks...deal with it. Either stay on the tracks until you reach your destination or pull into loserville and whine until no one can stand you.
Agree with you about Black and Blue, but do not understand the second part of your answer. If you have a valid passport come up and you may be surprise.Canada can be a very pleasant place to rest for a while.
No other comments on your blog beside the fact that you made a good decision about the health insurance. Hugs, Bruno
@joey7777: Jesus Christ, is your reading comprehension so poor, or are you just looking for an opportunity to slam him?
First, a surprise like that can leave you speechless and not quite prepared to say the words that you want to say. In fact, he said as much. That really wasn't what he wanted to say, but he was taken by surprise.
Second, if you absolutely couldn't tell by reading the story, perhaps you can figure it out by reading the comments. His comment was self-deprecating. You probably don't know what that means either, so it simpler terms, he was pointing out his own flaws and pointing out the irony (common usage of the word, anyhow) of the situation.
Finally, "it's all about you, you, you." Yes. This is his BLOG for crying out loud. What part of "portrait of an American porn star" do you not get? Hello?
I'm sorry. You were saying something about a delusional loser?
500 to have your toes sucked. fuck, who spends that kind of money on toe sucking
Bruno: I have an arrest record that is longer than this blog. Canada keeps people like me out on purpose.
Plus, listening to french for to long might make me kill people. Its a disgusting language if you ask me. Sounds like the people talking while throwing up.
Mantari: Thank you. I was starting to think people just scan through what i post and miss the key points. Obviously some people can understand what i'm writing.
And yes this blog is all about me me me. Its not about pop culture, movie reviews, or politics. Sorry to dissapoint, STOP READING NOW.
Clearplasticbags: Thank you rich men with a lot of disposible income.
How do you expect to move on when you don't move anywhere? Move out of that building, do something else with your life.
Eric, seriously.
So glad to hear you got health insurance!
Going to a 12-step meeting for your issues with sex or drugs doesn't require insurance. It's only an hour of your time. I also recommend picking up some books by Patrick Carnes like "Out of the Shadows" which deal with sex addiction.
http://www.healthcare.com/find/addiction-medicine-specialist/NY/new-york/10022/
The following is a link to addiction medicine specialists. Beyond a therapist, your primary care physician should be someone who is is aware of your steroid and GHB usage. Best of luck.
http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/cities/newyork-Therapists.html
Here's a link to help you find the therapist you need. You can choose whether to specialize in depression, gay issues, addiction, or whatever.
Hooker, whore, male escort...all the same biz, just different marketing. But a hooker doesn't equal a slut. Or vice versa, actually. Respect, man, respect.
And good for you and your nightly G intake...must be great for your lean muscle mass growth and hormone production, which can certainly be impaired with regular roid use. Sarcasm empathized.
Oh and inquiring minds want to know...is that a flat 50 bucks per toe or is it a sliding scale based upon toe size and/or the time taken sucking on each?
Finally though, it sounds as if you are once again hurtling toward a better place. Good for you...and God help whatever therapist draws your card outta the hat. In the meantime, I'm staying glued to my set for next week's adventure.
Now flame away defenders of this poor, downtrodden porn hero.
http://www.sfweekly.com/2008-10-01/news/the-rise-and-fall-of-the-monster/
Article about porn star Michael Brandon's issues with drugs. You were also mentioned in the following Fleshbot item.
http://gay.fleshbot.com/5057344/a-very-special-episode-of-erik-rhodes-diary
That article about Michael Brandon really hits it home. I fear that it's only a matter of time when the Village Voice will do a similar piece on the rise and fall of Erik Rhodes.
I want 500 bucks to get my toes sucked. I have nice feet. Good thing about the health insurance. I'm fuckin depressed too and meds really numb you. But the downside is sometimes you don't feel anything. But sometimes feeling nothing is the best thing in the world.
mantari : You're the one with no comprehension, period. Of course any blog is about the person writing it. But it reveals everything about that person. Is the "you, you, you" who writes it unconcerned with hurting other people, or does the "you, you, you" who writes it garnering any happiness for himself by caring about others and adding something to the world? By your logic, I could go out and assault a stranger with a hammer, then write on my blog how annoyed I am that I strained my wrist, but I'm beyond criticism because it's MY blog about me.
It's possible you may be reading too much into the hooker's comment. She may have just been trying to get her "foot in the door," so to speak, in order to make her pitch. Since you walk that route often, she may have assumed you might have wanted to become a customer but couldn't quite make the leap, for whatever reason.
Lots of people hook up with hookers just for a sympathetic ear--she might have simply been playing that angle. *shrug*
Maybe Dannii will say to you "I don't talk to toe-suckers" if you -- God forbid -- pass it in the hallway!
AN HERO nao pl0x
Teh: well then he would have to direct his comment to the man who sucked my toes. I was merly the one enjoying the ride. lol.
As for the whole Micheal Brandon thing. I do my best at avoiding Meth. I have had my experiences with it and have realized that i do not have the will power to overcome such a powerful drug. So the best thing is to avoid it all together. Not a bump, not one hit of the pipe and for god sake, slamming it, i would lose all control, well, because i have. But i know the outcome and thanks to vanity again, i am not willing to lose 20 pounds just to get high for a week or so straight.
Honestly i still believe all the ghosts i saw that scared the shit out of me when i was high on meth were real. Or being scared to walk in the street because i couldn't tell what cabs were real. No Thanks, i'm a big enough freak to begin with.
please an hero
@joey7777: Well, I'm going back to what you said in the beginning.
> You're such a snot. You
> "don't talk to street hookers"?
He said that, given the surprise, that was the only thing that popped in his head at the moment, and he said that he regretted it. Some people aren't quick with words in person. But put them in front of a keyboard and they can express themselves very well. And, upon further reflection, he realized how stupid it was.
In your latest reply, you said:
> By your logic, I could go out
> and assault a stranger with a
> hammer, then write on my blog
> how annoyed I am that I strained
> my wrist, but I'm beyond
> criticism because it's MY blog
> about me.
If you go back and read TFA, you'll see that he criticized himself. Yes, he certainly is more out there with his faults and failures than most others are. By no means is he pretending that he is beyond criticism.
He told this story, in part, because he realized he handled it the wrong way, and he's no better than the (woman?) he made that remark to. Then you jump on his case for the comment. Yeah, he gets it already.
But on the topic of the blog itself, yes, it is a blog. But above and beyond that, the topic of the blog is himself. You're going to see a lot of "you, you, you."
@erik rhodes: Despite what I said above, I think you actually do need and appreciate some of the criticism. With the GHB story, the literal interpretation was that you were glorifying GHB. But you weren't looking for an echo chamber of, "Wow, that's great. Keep it up! Be safe!" When you wrote, "Be cool! Drink up kiddies!" you were clearly (at least to me) saying just the opposite. I think people are getting hung up on the literal interpretation, and not reading between the lines.
Regarding the original article, perhaps throwing yourself out there is wrong. Are you an introvert? Fighting against your own nature can only work in the very short term and won't be comfortable. Perhaps people are projecting you to be an extroverted social guy, and are expecting you to be something you're not. Find a different way?
Also, teh's "AN HERO nao pl0x" translates roughly into "please kill yourself now". Pretty much sums up the response that a number of your articles would get on one of the chans.
Without getting too metaphysical, it seems like the universe is holding up a dirty mirror for you to see yourself. It could just be cioncidence that it was a street hooker that called you on the misery mug you walk around with ( if your were a cartoon you would probbly have a black cloud over your head). Or maybe this has been said to you before and this was the time it got through.
Sometimes hearing how others perceive you can be the only way you can see yourself. It seems like it struck a chord in you. Sure, the snarky comments aside, that interaction made you pause and take inventory of yourself.
Of course, you are rather harsh on these girls, after all people in glass hooker house shouldn't shouldn't throw stones
James,
I don't know you, but I pray for you all the time and it's exciting to hear you are going into therapy. As someone who has been there for many years, I can honestly say it makes a huge difference. Good luck
Newsflash: Canada doesn't like ANYONE. We spent three months telling every other culture to suck it, and we called it "Reasonable Accomadation".
And believe me, I fucking live in Quebec. It's not real french. It's like what would happen if you took french, beat within an inch of it's life, lit it on fire and left it in a back alley to die. At least, that's how mine is. Fuck I'm dumb. Oh well, enjoy the health insurance!
Sometimes it takes an outsider to help us realize what's going on in our lives. As I read your comments to the hooker I thought, "Oh hell no." I mean, if you look at that from the outside, you're only an eviction and a 90% discount from being her. Well, without the quota, (then again, on GHB......).
I also read other people's comments. If a hooker walked up to me and said something (other than a cat call), I'd probably say something I thought was a bit harsh, too. It was a knee-jerk reaction.
Having seen this, I look at it and think about how greatful I am that I have other means to support myself.
Good for you for planning on seeing a therapist. Just know this, the first one isn't always the right one. If you feel you're not getting what you should out of your sessions, find a new one.
I've also mentioned this before, join a rugby team, it's one of the few places hookers get respect (although, you're probably too tall for that position, maybe a lock or very muscular prop). You get to hit people, too.....money can't buy THAT kind of therapy.
Wonder why it took you this long to realize about the smiling thing. All you had to do was look at a pic from any of your photo shoots and see that you hardly ever smile at all.
at least she thought u were straight.
Nothing like a good toe sucking session, unless it wasn't that good, but ya got paid. Yippee for health insurance!
James, someone who doesn't even know you just took the time to let you know that they notice you and care enough to see that you're unhappy. I don't care that it was "just" a hooker, because for all your talk that nobody cares and that you just can't deal with people, even in your uber-depressed state, people are STILL trying to reach out to you.
It's not a matter of being better than them, or them being better than you -- it's just an example that even in the face of some pretty shitty circumstances, yes, these women are happier than you. And there's no reason that should be, except that you're working damn hard to make yourself miserable.
I'm glad you finally got health insurance because you really deserve to have someone help you dig yourself out of this hole. As much as you've been fighting yourself, you're still making progress.
One final thing -- In my life I've had my own personal struggle about wanting to feel "normal" around other people. What I've noticed is that the better I feel about myself, the more "normal" I feel around other people. That said, the next time someone asks you why you never smile, just remember that they care enough to notice. People will love you if you let them, James.
Hey, James, I'm so happy for you that you're going to see a therapist. Email me if you need a referral.
RE: Street Hookers
You really don't have any compassion for people different than yourself, do you Erik?
You look for anything different or "wrong" about other people in order to make yourself feel superior, because you're so miserable and dissatisfied with your own life.
Let me tell you what I really think happened with that $50 carjob whore:
She is attracted to you and wants to know whether you have any interest in her, even at a politeness level.
You are a tall, imposing man who's difficult to miss on the street. You are handsome well above average, even though you don't believe it unless you're getting constant reassurance from every man around you.
She's probably seen you pass by every day and become attracted to you. It's her job to try and attract men. She's probably accustomed to looks and attention from most men, even if they don't hire her.
So she wonders why you don't notice her or give her any attention. As you have a macho, Long Island look, SHE PROBABLY DOESN'T REALIZE YOU'RE GAY.
And I don't believe she would have asked you about it if she didn't have a little crush on you. Especially since she made the condition clear that she's not looking for a job.
So why can't you receive this person with warmth, compassion and courtesy?
Huh?
How would you feel if you finally worked up enough courage to talk to someone you're interested in, only to have him insult you for being a whore and reject you?
You would hurt, and I suspect you've experienced precisely this unfair, rude and unnecessary hurt yourself.
Another reason why you didn't answer her question:
You're afraid to admit why you don't smile.
Maybe you don't know; maybe it's subconscious. Maybe you know precisely why you don't smile.
But you're afraid to admit it to yourself or strangers. It hurts too much.
SO HERE'S WHAT YOU SHOULD DO THE NEXT TIME YOU COME ACROSS THE $50 HOOKER:
Apologize.
Say, "I'm sorry I blew you off the other day. I was in a bad mood. I don't smile because I'm generally miserable about my life's situation. Also, I'm a New Yorker. Strangers are just a big hassle to me.
But you were kind to chat me up, and I appreciate that you didn't pressure me to hire you.
I'm gay. I'm a whore myself, even though I don't think it's wise or safe to walk the streets.
No hard feelings."
ARE YOU CAPABLE OF NO HARD FEELINGS, ERIK?
If not, maybe you should cut back on the steroids.
Gavin: how about i give you 50 bucks and you do all that for me.
Jesus guy.
This is just a situation where you blurt out an answer to something without thinking and after you walk away and think about it for a second, you regret what you said.
But there is no way in hell i am gonna go back up to her and say "hey sorry, no hard feelings".
I will not play the pussy to every asshole who has a crush on me. By your reasoning, i would have to be nice to every douche bag that gropes me at a bar.
I can imagine it now, once i apologize, she becomes my friend that i have to chat with everytime i walk past her, we eventually become such good friends that she uses my bathroom in between tricks to clean her stink box and shit out guys loads when they dump it in her ass. No thanks.
I'm sorry but i have to draw the fucking line somewhere.
You know at first i tried to be nice to everyone, and the more and more people like you, who think i owe them something started stepping on my toes the more rude and nasty i have become.
No i dont wanna be followed around, no i dont wanna talk with you on the phone, no i dont wanna answer every fucking email, no i dont want you coping a feel as i walk past you and your goddamn right, NO i dont want to fucking smile anymore.
Hey it's alright James. You will get through this , just keep believing.
We are all born with various degrees of introspection and some of us definitely have a deeper root of it than others. People who are introspective notice everything in a high degree of detail. An introspective person is keenly aware and sensative to their surroundings both physical and emotional. They notice the slightest nuance from the way one talks, their tone, their body language, what is said, how its said and what is not said. And that's just the beginning. They can absorb vast quantities of information and filter it in a quest to make sense and meaning. However there is both a positive and negative to introspection.
On the one hand it can totally paralyze people socially and emotionally. We can replay over and over certain interactions and punish ourselves for not "doing well". We can get so focused on our mistakes that months or even years later they are just as raw and painful as the day they occurred. And when we summon the courage to take emotional risks it sends the mind into overdrive when the day is done. We review, rewind and replay everything over with such a high degree of criticism that it totally saps all energy. If introspection is left uncontrolled it can cause chaos. We have to figure out when enough is enough, to not take things so seriously and to see the humorous side.
On the other hand introspection brings such a rich depth to life. It helps us to achieve higher levels of understanding. A life worth living is a life observed. And the greater the well of introspection the greater one can truly empathize with others. There are countless examples of men and women who because of the intensity of their character and introspection have achieved much and given much to the world around them. These individuals must have some how tamed that wild horse and reigned it in so that introspection became a benefit.
So being a young man you are finding out new things about yourself each day . We are all very complex and fascinating human beings with such great capacities. Our immediate circumstances can limit our point of view so severely. Its like a heavy layer of mud on our eyes and we are so defeated from our apparent blindness. And yet the answer is so simple and child like...a child like faith to believe in a new future...a child like trust in the possibilities beyond the mud on our eyes. ..a child like strength to move forward. ..a child like humility to the fact the we know so little, that we are here for such a short time and the belief in the continuing soul .
So to you , or to that lady on the street, or to any who are passing through or have written here , we all have such a significant meaning ,,,,,we all have a tremendous value,,,,so great that we can not begin to understand. So no matter where you come from , or what you have been through or what things you have done nothing will diminish this simple truth.
Um...glad you got insurance..About that snoring, you may want to ask for a sleep study to see if you qualify for a CPAP. I use one and I have a lot more energy, think more clearly and don't crave caffiene so much. Something to consider
I think its good that you got health insurance and that you might see a therapist. It seems ironic to me that you use your blog as a place to vent.... and you get tons of people giving you a lot of useful advice. But your blogs make it seem like you are spinning your wheels in the same crap. Time to actually make some changes, maybe?
I've lost count of how many times you and your ex have an on-off-on-off cycle/argument/issue. I know it must be hard, but isn't there a point at which you draw the line? Clearly he is hurting you and at this point you are aiding him in hurting you by associating with him still.
Normally I'm nicer than this. Usually I listen and I analyze... I am kind and I try not to judge. For god's sake I'm in school to become a Psychologist... but there is something unnerving about how you continue to follow your usual path, despite hundreds of people who say, 'dude, what are you doing?' or people who HAVE in fact been there before who give you advice to stop using ALL forms of drugs, to lose the loser boyfriend who hurts you....
I really feel for you in one respect- which is your constant feelings of depression. I know what that feels like. Because it hurts everywhere. It's not just like hurting your ankle or something. Its constant and it doesn't leave you alone. Ever.
You want to do something about it, but the number of changes you make in your life are few. You talk about G... I am gay and I have no clue what G is. Suffice to say that you probably shouldn't be using it. Drugs actually can permanently alter your brain chemistry and CAUSE things like depression....
Anyway, from your blog posts I know that you are mistrustful and skeptical of most of the comments that are left here. You view the people who give advice earnestly... from a rather arrogant point of view... you say that we are trying to 'save you'... but for some reason you have no appreciation for it. Random strangers who take time out of their day to try lift your spirits or point you in a positive direction.
Medicine could help you... Zoloft, Lexapro, Paxil, Effexor are all effective anti-depressants. but you have to stop doing drugs and your alcohol intake has to be pretty limited.
I really do wish you the best... remember that not everyone thinks of you as just some porn star, but as a person... and you need to get back in touch with who you really are. When that happens, things will start falling into place.
Good Luck,
-Z
Read between the lines, folks. The connection that he is drawing is the feeling of a random hooker who asked a personal question, and all the trolls at a bar who thinks they have a right to get their hands all over the personal goods.
People go too far in invading his space. You can understand the hooker response in that the hooker came along after that pattern of personal space invasion had been established by others.
He does not owe everybody something just because of who he is. He seems to say that he's been pushed so far with people expecting something from him (free gropes, phone calls, emails, etc) that he has naturally snapped back in the other direction (and no smiles).
"oh, you're so hotttt." "Hey, dude, I like your penis. Can I see it?" "I got a big dick. Want to go see my place?" "Hey, if you go to the bathroom, I'll suck you off if you want, dude."
Back to the street walker, sure, it'd just be swell if he goes out on a mission on the streets of NYC to hunt down the hooker who he said he wouldn't talk to and apologize. It could make for an epic short film. But what's the point? If the hooker actually needed that apology, they're in the wrong line of business.
NYC isnt' small town America. You don't engage everyone who wants to strike up a conversation. Too much emphasis is being put here on the hooker and the hooker's feelings. Man up, Nancies.
i literally fall of the chair and experience pain from laughing at all the 'mess-es' on here - mess, mess, mess and mess - 'alfonzo + marc' - you both need to shut the fuck up. seriously though. you both must be born again christians. brutal. i want more 'mess' talk.
"Stink box?"
Wow. James, one of the discussions you should take up with your therapist is why you hate women so much.
I wish I could say that I know what you are going through, but Im far away from being in a situation like that. But I feel like I can see your emotions. My mind falls asleep when I read your posts and when its over, it wakes back up after riding through a dream. A dream seen through your eyes. The days passing by can sure be fucked up some times, but I hope yours are slightly filled with joy, a small amount at least. It might not happen often, but when it does, I cherish every second of it, and that is what keeps me going. Keeps me in the running of acomplishing my dreams and goals. I havent experienced as much as you, probably because Im a few years younger than you, and Im living in a quite different enviroment, but hope you go through your life with some joy. Like your dogs, which is probably your friends. Hope you get them back soon. They dont deserve being appart from those who really care about them.
Thank you for letting me share my emotions, even if you read this or not.
- Norway.
I wish I could say that I know what you are going through, but Im far away from being in a situation like that. But I feel like I can see your emotions. My mind falls asleep when I read your posts and when its over, it wakes back up after riding through a dream. A dream seen through your eyes. The days passing by can sure be fucked up some times, but I hope yours are slightly filled with joy, a small amount at least. It might not happen often, but when it does, I cherish every second of it, and that is what keeps me going. Keeps me in the running of acomplishing my dreams and goals. I havent experienced as much as you, probably because Im a few years younger than you, and Im living in a quite different enviroment, but hope you go through your life with some joy. Like your dogs, which is probably your friends. Hope you get them back soon. They dont deserve being appart from those who really care about them.
Thank you for letting me share my emotions, even if you read this or not.
- Norway.
Hey, guess we're neighbors. I live in the east 20s too. I take that route across Broadway sometimes late at night and a few years ago, this hooker says, "Heeey, baby." I just walked by and ignored her, and then she went drag queen on me and said, "Hey, you! Come back here!" I yelled back to her, "You're wasting your time, I'm gay!" Then she looked really embarrassed and said, "Oops, oh okay." The look on her face was priceless.
Oh my goodness.. You are one gorgeous looking guy!
I have been through depression many many years ago. While I am able to fish out advice, I choose not to because everyone has said something useful and I doubt mine would make any difference.
Secondly, I think being physically there for you means more than words here.
IMO, depression will never go away. You may walk out of it but it will always be there for you to return.
Thyetus
Good luck with any therapy you get into. Hope it helps.
I am writing this under a name I never use so it won't be tied back to me. I wanted to thank you for sharing your stories. You were not the primary reason, but your ex stories certainly helped me in my decision to leave my boyfriend of seven years.
He will be worse off because of it, but I will be so much better. I should have done this ages ago. Why didn't I cut the cord sooner?
Hey E, haven't looked at your blog in a while but I was pleased to see your recent entry. Going to a therapist will be highly beneficial and it would be for anybody. They make a great sounding board. But be prepared to hear things you don't want to hear and to open up about things you wouldn't share with anybody else. It can be rough but if you go in with a specific goal and reach that goal it can be life changing.
As for the hooker, don't worry about it. She's a working girl and she approached you with one thing in mind and it wasn't to get a look at your smile. Your response was exactly what it should be if you don't want her to climb up your leg again.
Good luck buddy...cdog
Erik, your response to my apology proposal was hilarious.
"she'll eventually use my bathroom in between tricks to clean her stink box ...'
LOL Bravo!
But a little wrong.
You needn't respond politely to "every asshole who has a crush on you."
It doesn't seem like this hooker was an asshole. There's a huge, moral difference between a man who gropes you at a bar and a woman who strikes up a conversation like she did. The woman was decent and respectable; the man was not.
These two situations require different responses because one is fair and nice while one is "assholish" and disrespectful.
Don't equate everyone who has a crush on you with an asshole. Especially because some of them are hot.
I'm not even saying you should or can indulge every polite person who has a crush on you with a conversation. Especially being a public figure. It depends on the circumstances; your time or ability.
All I'm saying is try to be classy and polite, not necessarily deeply committed, to people who politely engage you when there's a fair amount of time for a sentence or two.
You can keep your distance from others without hurting their feelings or blowing them off. Strangers, fans, tricks who want more time from me than I can afford and even family members can still be kept at a distance with politeness and sometimes a warm explanation.
I guess my philosophy is that respectful people deserve respectful responses and friendly dealings; nothing else. It's common courtesy.
That said, forget my "apology" as a literal recommendation.
Think of it as a model of how to treat people fairly.
And next time, don't hurt an innocent, respectful person's feelings, even if she is a street whore.
"And next time, don't hurt an innocent, respectful person's feelings, even if she is a street whore."
Ok, what is this guy, Ms. Manners? And, besides, he was talking a ho here in one breath after saying she was innocent and respectful. That is seriously messed up. James did just fine under weird circumstances. How many strangers do you want to come up asking you to smile. You go smiling and cheerful down the street in New York and see what that gets you.
I support you mate. I hope everything gets better for what it's worth. I feel you on the dog situation though. Ex's are easy to forget, dogs are the hardest part. :(
The only difference is that some prostitutes use a public street to display their wares, and others use the internet. I guess there's a place for both.
Erik-
I 'knew you' on AOL "diesel_____" was/is your name. Cop in NY/DC is me. Just droppin you a line to say hi. Hope you are doing well, inspite of the everyday curve balls life throws at us all. You can make it past anything you set your mind to. You escaped LI (does anyone really escape?) and experienced a little bit (or alot) life has to offer. Life is never about the destination- it's about the journey. And no matter how rough the road, it's the potholes that remind us we're alive. Take care of yourself, buddy.
investigator : "escaped" Long Island!? Believe me, the people I know on Long Island are much cooler, and the men are way hotter, than anybody in Manhattan these days. (I don't know what it is about Manhattan. There seems to be something in the water that sucks all the testosterone out of men. it's probably no big mystery, just that those are the types it attracts anyway).
i might be able to offer some insight on your present situation. let me know if this helps. you are in control of your own happiness.
that is all...
hit me back if you would like to continue this conversation...
It's just a huge bottle of G. That's nothing—practically sober.
I have to agree with joey7777. Way to be a complete prick to a random stranger. Not sure why I'm surprised, you're the guy who thought it would be funny to hire someone in Vegas to spit on. What an egomaniac. I'm beginning to think you deserve to be miserable.
Damn dude honestly, what makes you any better than those street hookers? I started reading random blogs of yours. When I first started reading them my first thoughts were, "What can I fuckin say to reach out to this dude", then after reading a couple of them I just have to say that your full of shit. You hook (or better said "escort", if that makes it sound any better), do all kinds of drugs until your tweaked out, seems like you dont have any real friends, just a bunch of dudes that worship you or better yet, idolize the idea of "Erik Rhodes" thinking they can reach out to you in the hopes of grasping your attention. And you have the audacity to insult those woman and even some of these guys that without them you would not be but one of the thousands of other wanabes who try to make it in the adult industry. If you hate your life so bad wake the hell up, move out of the city and start fresh, and get some therapy!
wtf
BTW : Check out the Wyler Nation blog if you really want some mega-drama (rape) which might or might not be true.
Mason Wyler's rape stories are not true.
They are his fantasies and creative erotica.
You were great in this video
http://videoshomo.over-blog.fr/article-23552293.html
hey eric, i saw a hot pic of you on a blog and saw you have a cool written tattoo on your forearm. what does it say? thanks buddy! :-)
No what happened to Mason Wyler was bad. Rape is violence and nobody deserves that anymore than they deserve being shot, regardless of their line of work. The assailant was arrested and charged.
I have friends who are survivors of rape and incest and the after-effects are insidious. Thoughts and prayers go out to him from me. People who work in the adult industry are folk just like me and you, just more attractive. :)
BTW, I honestly don't know why James puts up with so much verbal crap from so many jealous strangers, stalkers, obsessed creeps etc. After what happened to Mason Wyler, I can see why James would want to stop his blog.
What happened to Mason makes me sick to my stomach. It just goes to show you the extent in which some fans will obcess and invade a performers Personal life. Granted his case is much more extreme than what i have experienced but none the less, when i started porn i never expected my personal space to invaded as much as i'm sure Mason never expected to be raped.
I just hope he ended up alright. Of course phyiscally but i hope mentally as well. I hope he just doesnt end up another recluse who's soul has been stolen by this fucking up lifestyle.
Personally, i would kill the motherfucker who did that to me. Someone like that should be alive in the first place.
Erik,
MASON WYLER'S RAPE STORIES ARE A HOAX, PUBLICITY STUNT AND SEXUAL FANTASY.
THEY ARE NOT TRUE.
Mason Wyler has a long history of posting his creative erotica writing on his blogs. Myspace even banned him for it, which is why he started his own blogger account in the first place.
THERE IS NO POLICE REPORT, NO CREDIBLE NEWS AGENCY REPORTING THE CRIME OR AN ARREST.
The wording of the phony "Dallas News" articles Mason typed about himself isn't believable or functioning like a real newspaper at all.
No professional news service would describe Mason as "promiscuous!" LOL
Look at all the rape jokes Mason has been posting on his blog since beginning the hoax.
DON'T BE GULLIBLE, THE RAPE IS BALONEY!
Gavin : It sure worked though. Mason has gotten tons of attention over it. Yes, I'd look closer at the case if I was on a jury, of course, but I think Mason made it up too. Or maybe he was simply in a bondage scene with a guy that went too far. The scary thing is how it revealed just how stupid most gay men really are, that they'd believe such a tale with no questions asked.
http://www.advocate.com/news_detail_ektid63402.asp
Link to Advocate.com report and WylerNation also has photographs of his injuries
I've seen guys in consensual S&M scenes who came out with injuries way worse than that (if those injuries in the photos are even real). Anyway, Wyler doesn't seem to be any the worse for it. He admits that since the supposed incident he's hornier than ever. (He is very nice to look at, I'll grant him that!)
oh Shawn, how many years has it been and you still cannot get me out of your head?
Unless this is Nick, then i would have to say, get off the meth or just drop dead already.
Mason Wyler's blog has been updated to include pictures of police reports and hospital statements.
There is also a very poignant essay from his partner (Marcus) about being raped and what it is like to have to deal with these issues in ways that are different than his partner's; he also is a very private person who is in a relationship with a semi-public person and the conflict that exists therein. I don't think Marcus is in this as a creative writing exercise.
As far as the injuries go, police reports, hospital gowns and black eyes don't look like fun extreme play to me.
Yes Mason was probably horny after the event, but that's a product of his very high sex drive. The rape after-effects will start to show themselves eventually. Different people react in different ways to physical/emotional trauma, sometimes unexpectedly.
..and Joey7777, I'm not stupid, I just give people the benefit of the doubt when evil shit happens. Have a heart for crissakes.
..Oh and yeah I've been propositioned by streetwalkers downtown too but it didn't make sense to me why I should pay good money to have straight sex when I can get gay sex for free.
Of course, she didn't know I was gay but we have a lot of aggressive panhandlers around here. Be afraid be very afraid.
Gary : It's okay to give people the benefit of the doubt, but not when the evidence crops up that shows otherwise. This is the fourth version of their "rape" story. And go read the blog The Silence of the Chincillas. The black eye photo was proven to be 100 percent photoshopped fake.
Aside from the toe sucking profits and constant action you get, I can identify with being called out.
It is paralyzing enough to make me cry. Why are we so sad/angry/whatever? Why do we feel like shit when we know what we are capable of?
I do not intend to insinuate that my problems are the same as yours, but I can sincerely identify these problems being so seemingly obvious to everyone that random people call me out.
I hope you find what you are looking for.
People are always telling me I should smile. Especially at work lately. What am I supposed to do just walk around with a smile on my face for no reason? Is that what people do? Why?
But I've been getting that since I was a kid. Apparently when I'm not smiling I look mad even though I'm usually feeling sad or just blank. *shrug* At least looking mean makes people leave you alone so there's an upside.
"I just want something that shuts my brain off. I'm tired of over thinking every little thing. I want the crazy persons dream of just being able to feel normal around people."
Gawd, I feel the same way. I'm always worrying and debating and analyzing everything in my head. Wish I could just take it easy and go with the flow. But I'm always convinced if I try that I'll completely fuck up so I have to try and come up with the best course of action.
That is bad ass that someone will give you 500 dollars to suck ur toes... really dude your a lucky guy keep your head up
wow what a ridiculous piece of Chelsea fag shit you are.
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