The blog is a double edge sword.
As much as this blog has been a release for me it has also given to many people, to much insight into my personal world. You know it hard enough trying to start new relationships being a pornstar but I'm finding it even harder to do with a blog out there discussing what a fucking mess i am. I'm sure its hard enough for guys to see past the fact i do porn, and then this is out there? Its like meeting a new guy and being able to research all his flaws online. I'm helping people choose to walk away from me before even giving me a chance.
You know everyone has their certain level of bullshit they never tell anyone. Your friends, your Bf, your family members, they all have a dark side. But they all sleep fine at night cause they do their best at keeping whatever their perversion or dirty little secret, basically just that, by keeping it a secrete. This blog is all my dirty secrets and this is all my bullshit compiled, for all to read. It has let the freaks in and has kept anyone of value, away. I'm tired of it.
Its funny that two of the main topics of this blog, "love" and "my personal space" are two of the major things in my life that this blog is destroying. You know, as much as this depression has sucked, its opening my eyes (that's like my favorite line for this blog). When i have this guy try and kiss me and make me feel totally uncomfortable, i have to say to myself, "this is my fault"... i let this person in. When i have a guy approach me at the gym, grab my chest and whisper personal information in my ear, i have to say to myself. "this is my fault"... i let this person in.
I try and smile and laugh it off cause I'm sure they might not know what they are doing, maybe they do, either way, it make me feel like I'm sinking, its feels like I'm drowning, standing there on solid ground and it all my fault but its made me realize that I am the one causing my depression.
I guess what I'm trying to say is there has to be a change, and its honestly starting to look like the end of this blog. Its become more of a problem then a solution. Its only making me feel more and more empty. Its only making people look at me worse then they already do.
You know, when i see people whisper about me when i walk into a bar, I'm not sure what they are whispering about anymore, the porn or the mess from the blog? I could barely handle one, i don't need two.
So I'm not sure what gonna happen, i guess we'll just have to wait and see if i can handle keeping my thoughts to myself and if i can't, do contines writing and just water it down? Do I just just make this into another garbage porn star blog? Or do i just walk away all together... I'm torn cause this blog has reached out to so many people and i get emails all the time about it from people saying "dude, i feel the same way", and it always is a relief to feel like I'm not the only one out there like this but when do i draw the line inn the sand and say this is where it has to end, this is where i finally figure myself out and just leave everything else behind?
You know, i just want my certain level of bullshit also...
Monday, September 8, 2008
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56 comments:
Wow, what you wrote makes a lot of sense! When you put it that way, I have to support you quitting the blog altogether. *But* on the other hand, the cat is out of the bag already, you know? This blog is now part of your history. If anything, it really makes you more relatable to me. Maybe more approachable, which could be a good thing for you meeting new people, aside from the weirdo's, which let's be honest, would come up to you anyway.
On another note, who the fuck grabs at you and says personal things in your ear?! That makes me sick and says a lot more about that person than about you. What a loser pig.
Why don't you try what i do, i have two blogs, one that's for me to blather on about all kinds of stuff and another where i put all my ranting and shouting stuff on and it has worked so far. both are out there for viewing but the dark one, that's the best way i can describe it, lets me get all the shit out of my system with a bit of anonymity.
better that than to just abandon the whole thing.
and i'd miss reading yours, whatever you may think about it it has never been anything other than interesting, and moving, to read.
First thing is first. This blog is an outlet for you. You'd need to find another outlet in order to get your feelings out, or you might go crazy.
Second, who cares what people think? You're doing what you want to do and being yourself. If those people do not want to associate with you because you're doing what you love, than maybe they're no good for YOU, not the other way around.
Hell, I like you just the way you are. No one is perfect, but a lot of people think they are perfect, and have the nerve to look down on others.
If you stop writing in this blog, you're only cheating yourself, and giving into the people who don't want to be your friend anyway.
By not writing in this blog, you're telling your fans you'd rather have support from people who don't really give a shit about you.
Either way, the decision is yours to make. I do understand completely what you're saying though. I have my own blog, and I'm always a bit scared to show new people it, because they might judge me from it. I've learned if they do, that I don't need them in my life anyway. It's their loss, because I'm awesome!
And you're awesome too!
Lot's of things to say.
First, I think your blog is incredibly courageous. You're right that everyone has secrets and everyone wears a mask, showing even the people closest to them only that which they want to be seen. What's interesting about your blog, is that you have the courage to make public what so many others keep hidden. This is even more difficult for someone like you who is recognized on the street even in the Big Apple.
Personally, after reading your blog, my estime and respect for you have only grown.
I understand what you say about worrying that by giving TMI to the world, you may be scaring away Mr. Right. However, I'm not so sure that that is true. Sure, there are definitely some people who will read your blog and run the other way.
For me, I find that the very best thing, and the most unique thing about being in love and with someone who can be a soulmate, is that you don't have to wear a mask, and that you can share your dark side, your defects. In a way, I think that's how you really know when you've found the right guy = someone who can love and accept you for you (with all the good and the bad) and not someone who loves just a certain part of you conditionally.
I think maybe, by sharing so much, you've actually made your life easier by filtering out in advance all those guys who might have a superficial or one-dimensional interest in you (you're not alone, most of us feel that way, most of the time) and cleared a path for that guy who really wants to know the real you and who can handle and appreciate all the assets and baggage that you bring along.
In the end, you have to do what's right for you and if you think keeping your blog going is not the answer then stop. But whatever you do, do it for you and not because you're worried about anybody else or what anybody else thinks or says.
Just be you and keep it real.
Bye for now
I really like this blog because you are raw in your expression of upset and despair and there is a lot of humanity in what you are experiencing. I have been through some of what you have and in a lot of instances your self-reflection has caused some reflection on my own life.
You could always write your personal thoughts in ... i don't know...a diary, journal, notebook, word file, a tampon wrapper or just about anywhere else rather than the internet if you want your thoughts to be private.
You didn't do that though. You started this blog and suprise people started reading it. When you put something out for public consumption, you also open it up for public discourse. People will have an opinion about what you have written, they will make assumptions, judgements, comment and anything they like because they can. You let them. You also let what they say affect you.
Who edits these posts? You do. If there something that you don't want to share....don't.
But don't put something on this site that is real and true to you and that other connect and relte to and then doubt it because you were judged by some one you don't fucking even know...that is bullshit.
If you are having people make you uncomfortable by invading your space and you are not telling to back off or fuck off, then you need to get reaquinted with your balls.
If "anyone of value" is scared off by what is in this blog, then these are the same people that are going to be scared off when they get to know you better.
If you discontinue the blog, do it because that is your decision not because of what some asshole may or may not think of you.
Honestly, is any of your self-esteem based on how you feel about yourself at all or is it relly up to how others feel about you?
I have been reading your blog for a few months now and have come to appreciate your honesty and willingness to share all aspects of your personality with your readers. Very few of us would be willing to be so frank about ourselves with our best friends, let alone strangers.
In my opinion you should take the path you are leaning towards and take a break from this blog...it's only my opinion and who am I to give advice to someone I don't know. As I read your last post it seemed to me you had already come to that conclusion.
If you do stop posting, I wish you well with figuring out what you want to do. Good luck and look after yourself (again here I am giving advice to someone I don't know...life in the internet age!)
when I went through a hard breakup I had to keep a blog or I wouldve gone crazy and drove my ex crazy with everything I wanted to say. Maybe you should keep two? One that shares what you don't mind everyone knowing and possibly helping people, and yourself, that way. (I've found your blog quite helpful with my own security issues, knowing a porn star has the same self image issues as me has made it not seem so strange.) but the stuff you'd rather keep to yourself and not let others see, you keep in a locked private one.
At the least, keep a private one. The cathartic nature of it would help so much. Everyone needs an expression outlet, there's nothing wrong with that. Anyone who would use what you said in it against you instead of trying to help or just showing compassion, is an sshole who should be dumped right away anyway.
Keep yourself the priority. Nevermind what others do because of it, it's not about them nor is it their life you're living.
Hi james,
whatever you decide do it for yourself not for anybody else, not us your readers, not the potentially "ONE" who could be scared to know your secrets and walk away before even start to try to get in a relationship with you. Think about this, Love is to accept someone without having HIM to say I am sorry.
So as some other commentator says, this can act as a filter, saving you from future disillusions.
One thing I want to add, you should screen your friends more carefully, some of us who do not have the chance to meet you in person, nevertheless really care for you and see or understand the real person behind the Erik Rhodes badass image you so carefully try to project anytime you are in public.
You know me by now, and probably just skip my comments.
In any case I wish you all the best.
A big hug, kiddo.... and stay away from drugs,
Bruno
you know, ending this blog might not be such a bad idea...you've gotten it out, recorded yourself, had a chance to reflect; had the opportunity to read other people's reflections of you and now you come to a realization...that seems good. When you delete it, it is on your terms and no one can retrieve it.
I do just want to say that, yup, people have demons and secrets but - especially when you find someone who really loves you - those secrets should be made known to each other, that way there are no surprises and no guilt. Accepting your demons and the demons of the one you love is the whole point of a loving life-relationship. And I think it is also the only measure of true love: when you've found someone whose flaws complement you own in such a way that it releases you from them.
good luck! I think I am going to stop coming here.
In the words of Three 6 Mafia (and I don't listen to hip-hop), FUCK THAT SHIT!
I don't what it is about people who feel entitled to walk up to people they don't know and touch them inappropriately. Just because one person fucked me, doesn't mean everyone has an open invitation. You didn't let those fuckers in. You were polite enough to listen to what they had to say (which is a courtesy, not an entitlement). Just because you you did some movies where people had sex with you doesn't mean everyone who knows about it has a free ticket to do the same. In my opinion, you are way too polite to people who overstep their boundaries (take note that there IS a RIGHT WAY to deal with this type of situation). Sounds like people are taking advantage of your kindness.
Also, when you meet someone and they turn out to be an asshole, that is also not your fault. You don't know what they're going to be like. If you do know what they're like and let them in anyway, THEN it's your fault for letting them in.
You know, we all have our demons and things we wish we could have done differently, but when people don't respect the fact that I'm a human being who deserves to treated with respect I say "FUCK THAT SHIT."
There is no shame in standing up for yourself.
This the best post you've written yet.
James
Just do what you feel you need to do.
Do it for yourself.
If expressing how you feel in words helps then keep writing but don't publish it for anyone to see.
These days people feel obliged to have an online existance. Life still goes on without committing time to the internet everyday.
Whatever you do, do it for you.
great! theres moral in coming ofrward with your story, so good for you. it gave a lot of people insight into what someone with drive can overcome emotionally and socially.
so kudos,
although it is fun hearing about the fags in NYC,
G
Erik, for some reason your blog brought me to tears. i feel for you and would love to just give you a hug and tell you it will be all right it's what my boyfriend does for me and it always helps. i Have no advice no great words to say. i just wanna be here for you in any way that helps you. I love long coke nights and tons of weed smoking i know you would have fun with us. there is also alot of just chilling. i would like it if you contacted me just for a hi i could give a shit who you are or what you do "and yes your hot..big deal" i just want to help and i feel like a conversation would... have a great time just try and chill cause peace and happiness are not to far away. Manfern625@gmail.com hit me up
I stumbled across your blog today, and I’m completely in shock after I read a couple entries. Man, life’s a bitch sometimes, I should know; don’t be sad, it never rains everyday. Hopefully you’ll find someone who’s your real perfect match, and everything will make sense. You’re not broken, you’re not shallow nor a piece of flesh, I wouldn’t give a fuck what you do for a living, I try to look beyond such inconveniences because deep inside me, I really hope someone will give me a chance too. We’re not really that different, in fact, you’re in my dating range lol. I’m just 5 years younger than you, but from where I come from, people will comment how beautiful I am , how they love my blue eyes and my porcelain skin, my smile and my smarts, but they never really give me a chance, they think I’m out of their league, I guess I’m my own separate group. It’s sad to know how we never get what we want, but if it comforts you, know that 1000 miles away from you, there’s a guy who really would like to get to know you, if he had the chance. We’ll probably never meet, but hey, good guys DO exist, just keep looking. Hit me up at ed20_1987@hotmail.com if you’d like to talk to someone completely different, I’ll be glad to hear from you. I hope this post makes sense, after all, english is not my first language.Bye.
'It has let the freaks in and has kept anyone of value, away'.
I would think it's the opposite. Anyone of 'value' should appreciate your honesty and openness. Only 'freaks' would exploit this knowledge.
If that's what you think, stop the public access to your blog. Why do you feel the need to do everything in public?
Well, this blog is about you, not us. One of the reasons I read your work is because you acknowledge the fact, deep down, everyone's secretly broken.
If this is the end, then I'd like to thank you. I kind of started reading your blog to help me get over my first heartbreak. I did the whole drink-and-cry fr a week thing, then I started reading your blog, and it was like, you went through more the same shit, and you kept going, and it kept me going too. Anyways, if this means the end of your blog, then I guess that's the way it is. I hope you do eventually find the right person for you.
while what you said is so true, if it's cathartic for you to blog then who gives a crap what other ppl think, a person who truly values you will stick by no matter what you deepest dark secrets are, my best friends know everything about me from the good to the dark secret stuff and they stick by and don't judge me, no one has grounds to judge another person solely on their profession or their deep intimate thoughts...it's not like it's affecting them in any way. just hang on, your blog has definitely been insightful as to my own emotional griefs
Hi James,
You can't seem to be able to be "real" with people in person as you've said--you've written many times that you put up an act very well and you often to just to get people off your back. This blog helps you be you, in some ways.
Of course, does this really need to be a public blog? You needn't have revealed your identity and still have the same channel of venting and feedback from readers. It is your choice, and that is the key thing here: your choice, your accountability.
A blog like this leaves you vulnerable, yes. And it allows people to hurt you also, yes. But it also opens you up to people who may have positive things to say.
Your call.
James, if I may call you by your real name. It is best for you to end this blog completely. You have all the reasons. You listed all of them out in this entry.
The pros have not outweighed the cons.
My first and foremost suggestion is to seek professional help. I am serious. I once thought that I can snap myself out of it when I was depressed.
However,you do need some positive support (a professional therapist and medications) when nothing else in your life seems to be going right.
My second suggestion is to start a brand new blog with a pseudo-name. So in this way, it will still allow you to release stress but be incognito. However, you have to be careful of the alias you put in your blog.
It may sound cliche, but love will never exist in your life if you don't first have some love for yourself. By that, I mean you need to take care of yourself first, physically and mentally (no more drugs or bad people in your life).
In addition, GET OUT OF NYC!!! (It's funny I'm telling you that because I'm here in NYC now, and thinking about moving here).
Please consider my suggestions.
I know that I'm just merely a stranger trying to offer some advice that may some how trying to reflect that I even know you in any way.
However, I do believe in helping another human being when he/she is down on his or her last hope.
If it was I in this situation, I do pray that there will be somebody out there willing to help me to get back on my feet.
I do hope for the best for you.
In addition, just to let you know, I stop watching your porn ever since I started reading your blog. You are no longer a porn star in my book, but a human being that need some blessing and help along the way.
I'm sorry for the long rant. I wish you all the best.
i personally enjoy reading your blog because it's like reading essays about life and tribulations. you write from a perspective of a person who is naturally detached but doesn't want to be you'd rather be in the light than in the shadow. it's a really beautiful struggle and it attracts many people who feel the same way. i think you've underestimated your writing. it may attract a few losers that feel they can leach off you and get mentioned in your blog hoping to get a little of your notorious celebrity.
in the end you have to do what is best for you if that means ending this blog then do so. if you choose to keep it you should draw those lines. if someone relates to you then they can email you and tell you so. but harassing you in person is just tactless and these people are off their rocker. if you have to go as far as telling them they're crossing the line do so. by not confronting people when they've crossed a boundary it makes it seem allowable. that's not necessarily you're fault though that's who these people are unfortunately. it does, however, set the precedent that even if you live a public life and speak openly and honestly about yourself it doesn't mean they can simply treat you as their property.
as for the losers who whisper about you they're merely people who are too afraid to live out loud. tons of people are like this and envy those who are. they seek to make themselves feel better by passing judgment on others. everyone has these type of people the best thing you can do is tune them out it's hard but in the end you'll be better off.
whatever you choose i hope for the best for you. i've already said so but you're writing is truly inspired and even if you don't write a public blog anymore you should keep writing. writing can be the best emotional cleanser there is. a great way to unload it all.
again here's hoping the best for you good luck with your future.
Well it looks like you put a lot of effort into this blog, subtitling it "Portrait of an American Porn Star." So I think you are trying to fulfill a need to be in the public eye, like a celebrity actor, and now you are complaining about the paparazzi.
But people would have talked about you, behind your back, all the time, even if you were never a porn star, because you are a hot gay guy who chooses to go to a really gay gym, surrounded by other gay guys who love to gossip.
So many people share their lives online, facebook, myspace, etc., but they restrict access to friends or limit what they share, so if it really bothers you a lot, stop writing such personal negative stuff about yourself and save it for your close friends or a therapist. And you don't need to help other people online with their problems either; they can find their own therapist.
As for losing potential boyfriends or friends because you were a porn star, they're too judgmental to get to know anyway.
Attributed to Dr. Seuss:
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
But not on a blog if you can't handle the creepy dudes who echo your thoughts from the blog. (I bet it was a troll who was just trying to get laid at the gym. I'm sure you wouldn't mind if it was some really hot guy.)
"And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age."
Why don't you trying reading a Bible? Meet some folks at a church rather than a bar? Truth is, The Church is a hospital for sinners, not a museum for saints. You're the only one who can change yourself but other people who know Grace and Mercy; Brokenness and Desperation can help. Call me "Cliche" but I have struggled - different than yours but nonetheless still struggles - and I have found redemption. This life is hard, I know. You're not going to find happiness, fulfillment or Salvation in a blog or sex. Call me canned but I have found the truth: Jesus Christ.
saadams2@ncsu.edu
sorry erik but i have to respond to churchy.
bullshit church is just another crutch your salvation is just a cleverly disguised submission to a non-existent authority. something the weak seek out in order to ignore the truth that they have to work at being happy and become self-fulfilled. salvation through church is peace through submission and therefore not peace at all.
granted that the way he's going about trying to find happiness is not the best way neither is church and 'god'. why don't you take a note from the jewish people and quit proselytizing if someone really wants salvation through 'god' then they'll come to you.
I would have to agree with geekluve about churchgoing as a crutch. If people who turn to God were sincere in their faith, they would go to church all the time and not just in times of need or desperation. People who convert that way are formulaic in thought.
Happy for you, finally you came to a decision...just hang in there.
Yeah maybe i should get some Jesus in my life. Crazy people are down with Jesus, right? I always see those shows on tv about some guy killing his family for Jesus. Maybe i should take it a step further and a bring a gun to my gym and paint the walls with the brains of all the faggots that need alittle more Jesus in their lives too...
"I will not bow down to a god that i cannot stare in the face" ~Aesop Rock
Like I always say, thank God I'm an atheist :-0
Having a faith or a spiritual side does not always equal mental slavery. People use religon as an excuse for all kinds of behavior but the same can be said about anything... I act this way because of drugs or depression or becasue nobody understands me... it is all the same cope out. We act the way we do because we act the way we do. If you think Jesus is going to change you, then you have bought what they sold you and you are changing yourself for Jesus.
Religon takes the power away from you and puts it up in the sky. Faith and spirituality tap you into a force greater than yourself whatever that may be (insert dogma here).
Even believing in nothing is believing in something.
Don't blame yourself for your depression. As you've said time and time again, fags are always sick and degenerate freaks when you scratch the surface. You were right on when you said that people advising you to seek professional help, were idiots and fools. Psychotherapist and psychologists are nothing more than brainwashed fruitcakes.
Be glad you have the blog. Wouldn't you rather a guy like you for who you truly are and not the fake image. We're all fake on the outside. Inside we hide all kinds of sicknesses, drug problems, and sexual addiction. It wouldn't be right to pretend we are perfect.
Don't let the whiny fags in here fool you into self pity. You were right to speak the truth on here about fags and their lifestyle. If people knew who we really were, they would steer clear. For once, someone has had the guts to take the mask off and tell it like it is. Thanks.
Everyone instantly recognizes the phoniness of preachers and bible thumpers. "Religion is the opiate of the masses" as they say. It's just groups of people who rationalize their wrongs and then claim they are forgiven. But that doesn't mean there are not secrets of the inner world. This may save your life: http://www.fhu.com/player/player_sunday_hi.html
I believe in god, it's the people working for him I don't trust...
Hate to say it, but don't trust the godwads. If you need a book to tell you how to be a good person, there's something wrong with you. Plus, they edited out all the good parts.
A bird doesn't sing because it has an answer, it sings because it has a song. And you are a beautiful bird with something to sing about, and we are all listening.
People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within. I see the light in your writing, I know one day you can see it as clear as some of us can see in you.
Hi Erik,
I've posted on your blog before and I've told you sincerely that I enjoy your writing. Sometimes you make me laugh, sometimes you make my cry and sometimes I wanna beat the shit out of you.
You're affecting people with your words. Be proud of that!
I don't care what you do for a living. Nobody has the right to touch you if you don't want them to.
Most of your readers are really intelligent and kind. Yeah, there might be a few weirdos in the woodpile, but there are plenty of those just walking down the street.
People who read your blog have started to care about you in a way far, far beyond "Erik Rhodes Porn Star." You're muddling through like the rest of us but on a much larger canvas - blindfolded.
I hope you keep up the writing one way or another. It will keep you sane. It's my personal drug of choice and it's my sacred refuge. I think it is probably yours, too.
Aloha Nui,
AJ
James,
Selling your ass on rentboy.com isn't going to help your self esteem or help you obtain a long range goal. You'll just end up an HIV+ 50yr old sucking cock for cash in a shitty 5th floor walk-up.
You've crafted this amazing body built and refined for the sex industry. Wherever you go in life you will always be identified as "Erik Rhodes".
I say make peace with "Erik" and start producing porn movies. Get on the other side of the camera where you can have a private life, leverage your fame to raise funds and get investors.
A month in rehab, some Prozac, move to Brooklyn (Chelsea isn't a good place you), end your David Barton membership and stop surrounding James with Erik's world. You need to define two very different worlds for yourself - work and home. Right now you live your job and that's killing you.
Cut and run, start an anonymous blog. Leave LA or where ever you are, write a book, then start a new direction. Learn a new language....how about Gaeilge (irish) or german or Albanion :)
anyway, i just read this and half of your previous entry i think you need to write it all down, everything. Heck just because you write a book doesnt mean you need to publish it
TL;DR
time to move
;)
also this made me laugh, here
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b8hxCpAdCJI
Male friendship and intimacy...is something that every man likes (and to some degree needs) to have in his life. We are born to bond with others. The first significant male bond being with our fathers defines so much of our character and how we deal with other men...if that was disfunctional you can bet that you will struggle with other male relationships. If your father was emotionally and physically distant the foundation for going out in the world and building your own strong male idenity and basic male intimacy becomes more difficult and frustrating. If that bond was totally severed ...full of mistrust and resentment even hate a man can detatch from other men. All men need intimacy from other men...it is one of the essential threads of our character. We reflect and build ourselves from all men involved in our lives. Of course women are important too but they are important for different reasons. Man is born of man, he watches in the still of his heart at other men and forges his own identity as one of them...man. A lot of men confuse sex with intimacy and often a natural instinct to be close with other guys gets confused as well. A blog is also a way to be close to other guys although it too is not a perfect rest for intimacy needs. So there it goes...one of the constant instinctual drives of all men to forge their own identity and place in the world of men can be smashed by a vicious circle that can drive many to do things they know deep down inside will not satisfy their longings yet done anyways just to temporarily ease the restless sea inside the heart.
floatingworld gave the best advice I've ever seen on this blog.
James -
This decision is yours to make. Whatever you decide, whatever makes the most sense to you, know that you have reached a lot of people out here.
I wish you all the best, and I hope you find the happiness you're seeking.
is the second time I am going to write.
Or you are laughing too, all you read or really need help.
In the case that is true you suggest you look for spiritual support. I would like to be able to write much more extensively but did not manage anything and you write with English translation of google. Since argentina command you all my wishes that you feel a little better to read this message. You command as far from here, you find the strength to start. If I can help you humbly tell you that I am here as a friend with no other intentions. Cuidate. You command an abrasive.
Saw you out for the second night tonight, cannot get over how unbelievably good looking you are. You always look like you aren't really there, like you are there physically but not mentally...i could show you such a good time.
James,
You mentioned here that you found it helpful to learn of others going through depression.
Here's what I have discovered. I went to see a psychiatrist about 30 years ago, when I was 15. It was the first time I had experienced that devastating affliction, when you're falling through a bottomless pit of despair. It took only 1 session for me to learn that depression usually means you're stuck in a rut, and you fear for your future. Once enlightened, I kept that thought as a reminder for the few times where you feel yourself stagnating, not progressing in all ways of your life. That "down time" can often be used constructively to re-assess what you need to change. it takes trememdous self-analysis and will- power to get out of the abyss; and it means toughening up and declaring yourself a non-victim (more on that later).
It sounds to me like your bubble has, simply, burst. Here you are, barely a dozen years out of your teens, and you somehow got lured into what seemed like an intoxicating world of sex, porn, drugs and adulation. Of course it was fun; of course the flattery, constant gratification is a heady brain fuck.
But; whether you know this or not, you had the strength to realize eventually this all was not good for you. You discovered it's not good to be fucked up, and living in the world of fuckups. Plus, you have two identities to contend with...Erik Rhodes the porn star, and James, the real guy. Star fuckers suck up to you because they want to be assosciated with a hot sex god, but don't see the James because they want the image, want to be validated by Erik.
All these conflicting issues has done a number on you, and that's why you're flailing. But the good thing is, you recognize that; however pulling yourself out of the rut is a staggering task, one that needs tremendous strength of chracter and willpower. You have it in you; you just need to find it and put it into action.
How to do that? By declaring yourself a non-victim. Not just on the surface, but underneath. On the surface, you refuse to deal with people who are not after your best interests. Drama queens, people looking to "get" something from you. Anyone who makes demands of you in any way that benefit only them - throw them out. People who need maintaining - gone. Refuse to give dysfunction any benefit; no arguing, no justification - turn away. Be wary of ulterior motives always.
Being a non-victim internally; that's the tough part. If you spend your time fuming and fretting how the world is treating or NOT treating you, they have already made you their victim, and you become a self-made victim. It becomes a whiny vicious cycle of negative thinking, which will poison you and make you bitter. if for example you say porn has created a negatve attitude from people, that's THEIR problem. If you let their judgment affect you, it means you care more about what they think than you think; never think about what anyone expects of you; only think of what you expect from yourself.
How to find yourself again. The solution? Go back. Return to the things that made you happy in life. Here's a simple question: did your parents nurture and protect you while you were growing up? Keep you from harm, telling you to avoid strangers and "bad people?" It's your job now to continue their training. Protect yourself What made you feel good? Who made you feel good? Go relentlessly after those factors. they're all out there, you just need to find it for yourself. Refuse to fear happiness and prosperity. Happiness is simply a progression of growth, self-awareness and self-respect. When these factors manifest themselves from the inside TO out, you attract the right people. You automatically turn away the self-destructive ons with no wasted emotions. Be sincere, be straightforward in your dealings, and you're on the right track. Should you experience mistrust and deception, turn away, and store it as a signpost from which to gauge future dealings. Life is about adding layer upon layer of experience.
I leave you with a quote by George Bernard Shaw:
"This is the true
joy in life: being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty
one, being thoroughly worn out before you are thrown to the scrap heap, being a force of nature instead of a feverish, selfish little clod of
ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to
making you happy."
.
Honesty is its own reward. Speak truthfully of yourself and reach a greater self awareness of both faults and virtues. Speaking truthfully of one's self is an attractive quality; anyone frightened by that is not ready for you.
Having said that, a blog is not therapy. That requires a listener that does not judge, that toughtfully prods, that does not allow self destructive behavior, that earns your trust and respects your privacy. Therapy is not an open air pursuit or spectator sport. Return to the blog when healthy and if you feel the need or responsiblily.
Protect yourself. Feed your spirit. Find what makes you feel healthy. If a stranger such as I can see worth beyond the physical, you should make that leap of faith and do so also. And act upon it. Depression is real and not a game. To counteract it requires effort, planning and discipline in much the same way as a new challenging gym routine. Past performance predicts future--you have shown that ability to succeed. You can do this.
eric, you rock my world... let's do lunch :)
You all are right; Christians realize their weaknesses and use Christ as a means of fulfillment. I have trouble seeing where that is a fault. Weakness I am very aware of; I'm also well aware of the Grace I have in my life because of Jesus Christ. Why do some claim ultimate success is independence and a detachment from the world and the supernatural? Does the man who sustains himself (although he will always fail) win? Man cannot bring himself Salvation - no matter how removed he is from any "crutch". Man is not, nor will ever be, strong enough to save himself.
Allow me quote from a Holy Text despite the criticism some posters use to debase the Bible's supremacy: " On behalf of Christ I will boast, but on my own behalf I will not boast, except of my weaknesses." Foolishness has brought some to believe their fleeting words can surpass the supremacy of God's. After all, James, are you not in the same place Saint Paul was when he wrote those words? I read your blog, hearing you boast of your weaknesses. I plead with you to boast of the strength of Christ as well. "...he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.'" In our faults His power can be perfected - if we acknowledge his supreme forgiveness.
And may I comment on your response to my last post about Christians appearing crazy in movies. First, Hollywood is a complete misrepresentation of Christianity. You have been in movies; do you feel they accurately and fully portray you? Secondly, I fear that I am coming off more crazy than yourself. Does quoting the Bible really make me that unstable?
Hello Erik,
I would fully agree with your decision to quit the blogging. It doesn't seem that beneficial to you. What ever you decide hope it makes you happy.-Devin Moss/Timothy
James:
The guy is toying with you. He means to get under your skin, means to mess around with you. That he can do this to you, he has no scruples or morals. Whether someone is your friend, your current love, or your ex, if he deliberately baiting you and pulling your strings, he has no self-respect or respect for others' feelings. You don't want people, in any circumstance, like that around you. He knows how to push your buttons, and he does so with obvious glee: it is cruel, vicious and ugly. It's that old saying, consider the source: don't give him any credence by reacting from here on.
If music is your therapy, play Linda Ronstadt's "You're No Good"
Feelin' better
Now that we're through
Feelin' better cause I'm over you
I've learned my lesson oh it left a scar
Now I see how you really are, YOu're no good you're no good, baby you're no good.
I broke a heart, gentle and true, well I broke a heart over someone like you.
I'm tellin' you don't blame cause I'm going my way, forget about baby cause i'm leavin' to stay, you're no good, you're no good, baby you're no good...
********
A kick ass attitude can help you forget real fast
Be well
I say "Fuck people and opinions". Writing is an expression. It can be dark or bright. The people that fake their way through the dark and pretend to be happy all the time..those are the darkest people. Opening up and venting is a great way to get it off your chest. If people dont like what you do, tell them to fuck off. People will like you for you or hate you for you but it only matters how you feel in the end. People who judge off a blog are full of shit and need to wake up.
This my first time on this blog and i have been reading your more recently entries and i have become truly saddened. when i see erik rhodes on the screen i see somebody i would love to be around. you seem so open so down to earth and at times cocky, but in a sexy way. then when i read the way you are feeling and your outlook on life it makes wish someone anyone you know would just take the time to hear you and hold you look sometimes we all need to be. people think" including me at times", that you cant be hurting on the inside cause they only see the exterior emotions we show on the outside. you look tough and so therefore you cant be hurt bullshit i get all the time.in certain ways i understand how you feel, but we must always go on taking the good with the bad ya know. it makes us stronger , wiser, more impenetrable (figuratively speaking) now that i know were your blog is i think i will be looking in a lot more not to be in your business but to try to discover myself and see does it seem so hard to others does anyone relate to me, ya know. you probably wont ever see this but i hope you do. good luck and enjoy life and your success cause someone always has it 10 times worst.
james james james. you are a hooker yourself. you are a sociopath. you manipulate people so they feel sorry for you and think...oh this roid head want to make me feel like a lady...hes a fucking fisting bottom fyi---unless youre paying him...and then you try to ruin them......and usually do......james wants to be seen and noticed....just ignore this toxic peice of shit. you are a sociopath. from the moment you told me you get hard ons when someone cries in front of you. or when you were fucked on fire island bareback by 16 people on crystal meth. are someone who admitted to having anal sex with over 1,500 people by the age of 24.. you are in fact inhuman and not in a cool death metal trent reznor way. stay away from this fucked up loser and look up the term "sociopath" you will know all you need to know about this SOCIOPATH- james / erik..it all co
i wonder if you even know what sociopath means. if he is in fact a sociopath then he needs a medical professional to help him. what's your excuse?
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