I feel used. I feel maniuplated. I feel walked on.
You know, after all is said and done, i have once again been made out to be the idiot and everyone could see it but me. I let love blind me, and then cripple me after it stabbed me in the back.
I spent so much time letting you tear me down, making me feel worthless, making me feel like i was beaneath you. I was so stupid.
I'm so happy now that i have finally figured it out.
What i thought was love was empty and fake. The person i thought you were, emtpy and fake.
I'm not sure how long you expected this charade to last before i figured it out. Before i saw you for who you really were... "The angel under a sea of black umbrellas". Mr. Perfect. The Know it all. The one that claimed to be so innocent, that had the most to hide.
I have never claimed to be perfect and i know that the majority of our break up was my fault. But when you laugh in my face and basically tell me my feeling are worthless to you, your lucky smashing your face into that wall was all i did. For someone with nothing, and is just starving for someone to listen to him and understand him, my feeling are all i have, and if that means nothing to you, it's like stabbing me in the heart while you smile in my face.
I hope your new Boyfriend knows how you begged to be with me for the last 2 weeks. I hope he knows that he was the fallback guy. (i have all the text messages you sent me to prove it and i'll save them all just for him if he does believe it, god knows your already preaching a boatload of bullshit to him also)
And now that i'm gone, i want you to notice, i want you to remember what you'll be missing...all of my love. Its gone and never coming back. I hate you. If you were dying in the street i wouldn't help you, i would only take a second to look while i spit in your face as i walk over you, that is all your worth to me now. I thought porn was my biggest regret in this life, but it not, Its you. If fact lets pretend it never happened. You and me never happened.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
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49 comments:
Poor guy. I feel for you. Love can be such an amazing thing, yet such a horrible thing.
Don't resort to violence though. It's no good man.
james, let it go..... you have seen the truth, just do not look back anylonger. Now you realize that You were not the worthless slut he wanted you to believe you were. Now you can again be james the human being and be proud of your accomplishments EVEN as a PORN STAR.
remember my offer if you want.
A big hug, Bruno
that was brutal...but in a good way...hopefully now that you can see the relationship for what it was you can let go completely.
To be fair, I'd like to hear his side of the story. Still, hope you get better.
Smashing someone's face in is not right though.
Wow James. This post was almost poetic. You totally need to set this to music and a backbeat. I can do the background tracks if you want. :)
James -
Sorry this had to happen, but I'm glad you're past him.
Stay strong!
haha...is he going to fight with jodi over innate jealousy he has of her hooking up with so many guys on the challenge?
btw about ur last blog....GET HEALTH INSURANCE!!!!
sweetheart, you seem like a nice guy. take it easy on yourself, eat fruits and vegetables and protein and dairy, go for walks in the fall sun. you are worth the self-respect. feel better, you! :-)
This week: "But when you laugh in my face and basically tell me my feeling are worthless to you, your lucky smashing your face into that wall was all i did."
Next week: "Golly, why is it so hard to meet men?"
Isn't this like the 16th time you've "finally figured Danny out?"
How long before the next breakup with Danny?
4 weeks? 2?
You've been blogging for 8 months that you and Danny are wrong for each other.
okay thats it no more, enough, the subject is closed, move on. i'm fed up with the "one more chances" and the "maybe he'll change". its all bullshit and you've known this from the very beginning.
As Patsy Stone once said "finish the beaujolais and walk away"
If I hear another damn word about that oily little shit i'm crossing the pond and slapping your legs.
yours
Auntie Margaret.
Like this blog, love is a double-edged sword.
It feels like your strength is more than just physical. Keep that true.
Im sure he deserved to get his face smashed. Good on ya. and don't wait for his new boyfriend to ask for evidence, send him those texts. Save him from that douche
James, you sound like you have your head very well attached in this matter. And you have written this wonderfully with great passion and expression.
Just look away from the situation and don't let it touch you again. You are a good person (even if you don't think so) and you deserve better than this.
Take care of yourself. There are people who care about you.
James
There is so much anger in this last post...but if you could look little bit deeper I think that you can see that it has gotten out of controll. You probably can also sense that this anger may have even started long, long before you even met this man or got into your current situation. Back there somewhere an emotional pressure cooker started to build up and fester in your being. It makes you act and feel the way you do today. Thoes moments when finally recognized, however powerfull and overwhelming they may be, hold the map to your complex character. Remembering who you were and where you came from is indeed a worth while trip.Take your self back to the days when you were just really beginning to develope deep feelings and attractions (Probably High School). Remember thoes days when you were just a mere kid...thoes cool fall september days of starting new classes. In thoes early feelings and experiences lies a lot of information as to who you are today. What did you think about back then. What circumstances were you facing.What was it about mens characters that caught your attention. How did you fit in with other guys...how did they treat you. How well did you do in sports...did the other guys treat you fairly. How did you feel about yourself. What were the messages you kept repeating over and over to yourself. How did the guys act around you and how did you act around them. How did your family life affect you. These beginning thoughts are so important in understanding yourself. A sensitive young adolescent dealing with a confusing environvent and anxiety over his personality is tough enough to deal with but when you add on homosexual attracions and lack of any support its beyond frustrating to say the least. Maby this is where your anger started...anger to everthing around you and especially to yourself. Something significant was happening to you. Wounds were made that still havn't totally healed. Your personality started to be affected by what was going on around you. And this is why your feelings today are so powerful and overwhelming. They keep leading you all over the place. They are like huge endless weeds that are choking the life out of you. However you will never be able to get controll over them unless you get to their roots. In fact many of your current behaviors merely serve to feed their growth. Grabbing hold of the past and asserting your power over its dominance is healthy. So many here have intelligently recognized that there is someting more complex and dramatic going on with you than just one guy breaking up with another. I feel that you too recognize this but don't really know what to do about it. It's time to do some thoughtfull introspection and healing. It's time to find some peace.
Everytime you say good-bye, I wonder if it really is good-bye. You are such a tease, James. Maybe you need this avenue more than you know. I am not saying this to dump on you, far from it. I recently came across some pics of you I hadn't seen before. What makes me admire what you do is the fact that you put your body and a piece of your soul out there for all to see. It's a gamble. You're setting yourself up for attacks as well as praise. That takes a lot of courage my man. Use some of that courage you have left to make yourself better. David Duchovny entered rehab because he's addicted to internet porn and I asked myself What's so bad about that? There are worse things one can be addicted to. Don't give up on yourself. In the end we're all we have. I've read your blog from the beginning and I noticed how you like to use lyrics from songs. Here's one from U2 that I think sums up a lot in life: You ask for me to enter but then you make me crawl.
Good luck and keep writing. It's therapy for the soul.
James,
Do'nt hate,it will only make things worse. Like I said before,go on with your life and leave the bullshit behind.
I hope that this time is the last time.. how many more times can you fall for his lines and his apologies.
He keeps coming back time and time again is because he can and you let him in....
this time keep the door closed.
You have been used and burned by this guy too many times to go down the same old road again.
How about you take the high road and act mature. Learn from your mistakes...dont regret them. Your fuckin pathetic and will never learn!
Well it's about damn time. You finally figured out that Danny was a douchewaffle, and that he's not good enough for you. Sure it took while, but righteous anger is always the best kind. Feel free to go all Alanis Morissette on his ass for his being such a fucktard to you. Enjoy it while it lasts!
Damn James, I aint messin' wit you LOL. Did you really smash his face in? You have a serious police record and he could call them at any time y'know and get you in a heap of trouble. (yes I said heap of trouble... dont judge me because I sound like an old episode of "the brady bunch")
Would he be worth that trouble?
Would he be worth the money for a lawyer?
I'm not going to go into a whole psychological scenario as some already have, you're a big boy and you'll do what you want but take a moment to really think about it.
So Danny is no good... fine but you know that all of the drama that you play into (sure he causes a lot of the drama but it takes two people to make drama, not one) just shows how much you still care about him and thats not so good.
If he doesn't care about your feelings well so be it but by you acting the way you did you might as well wear a huge sign on your chest saying "I STILL LOVE YOU DANNY, PLEASE LOVE ME BACK CAUSE YOU CAUSE SO MUCH EMOTION IN ME"
I know its a lot to say but its a big sign and you have a large chest (dont get any tattoo ideas young man!).
I always try to say to myself when someone is attempting to humiliate me is a saying from the old lesbo herself elanor roosevelt.
the saying goes something like this:
A person can only make you feel small if you let them.
sure that does not take away the hurt of someone you care about saying terrible things to you but you know that violence is not really the best revenge.
the best revenge is finding your own happiness and not needing your ex for anything.. and I mean anything.
as always all the best.
Yeah i know, i have done this Danny song and dance so many times since this blog has started and regardless of what i said in the past, i honestly wanted to make things work. Up until the end, i was trying to work things out.
But this is it, there is nothing left. I seriously dont want anything to do with him anymore, for more than one reason. i'll save the details, but i'm happy walking away and i'm so happy to know that right now he he suffering. The smile on my face is from ear to ear.
your not ready to move on. You will be some day but as much hate is in you for this ex, is how much love you cannot put into a new realtionship. You have to breath, forgive and move on. But without forgiving moving on will not be an option.
James,
Now that you're free, you can hang out with some guys jst as support for awhile. There will be loads of guys trying to jump your bones because you are so built and so damn cute. Don't believe a word they say. Have a romp, but just for sex and not for love. The next guy you fall for may be the barista at a Starbucks or the guy checking out books at the library. You just never know. Be careful, but be ready. You have a lot to offer, plus some baggage, so relax. You are oh so young and have oh so many years ahead of you. Enjoy.
Tommy
P.S. Jeremy ...thanks for my new favorite word "fucktard". It explains so much!!
James,
Now that you are free, I want to plan your new life for you. First, throw away all his shit that you ahev that reminds you of him. Second, you are back in the playing field, so play. Go out , have fun, some good nsa sex. Be open to something new , but don't be searching for it. Who knows where the next Mrs. Erik Rhodes will come from; he might be a barista at Starbucks, he might be the mild mannered guy checking the books out at the library, or he might be in central Ohio sitting in his office waiting for you....wait that's me. You have a lot to offer ( with a little baggage, I might add) You are so built and so cute and sooo sensitive. Ahhhh...so enjoy your life with all you have. I am always free to tell you what to do. That would be a great job!!
Take care and enjoy. You are so young and have so many years ahead of you.
Tommy
P.S. Jeremy...thanks for my new favorite word "fucktard". It is the greats word I have heard in a long time!
Oops...my first post went through and I didn't know...sorry for the repetition. I gues I'm the fucktard now!
I hope you're strong enough to not flash with the text you saved. Even if your relationship didn't work out it doesn't give you right to be bitchy... If the hit you, turn the other side to show that youre strong enough to handle the situation...
Anyway... If you feel too exposed in US move some small country in Europe like Slovenia, Finland or Estonia. It's drop dead boring here, but maybe you need it now.
wow - it is like a lesbian breakup but with less Ani deFranco lyrics... hate it for you but until you feel nothing for the ex... you are still wrapped up in that shit burrito called love
Can somebody totally change its way of think overnight (and even worse even feelings)?
Can you be pleased about the misfortunes of someone once you loved?
What you said made me wonder . . .
Maybe he should be tied up and punished and photographed and have it all posted on here as the ultimate revenge. Let us enjoy the breakup too.
This reminds me of a movie that came out this summer, "Between Love and Goodbye," about two guys who were first in love but then started to throttle each other's throats.
Anyway, there's a part of you that's upset that he has a boyfriend and writing this epithet just makes it more painful and gives him a chance to gloat. Using violence on a little man will just confirm the notion that you are the bully even though he tortures you mentally. I would post the text messages online instead for shits and giggles.
James,
This site may help you out:
http://videoshomo.over-blog.fr/
It's great that you tried to make it work, but really James, he was an MTV reality star. MTV! That's not even VH1! Hell, that's not even Fox! That's bottom of the barrel. Please tell me you knocked out a couple teeth when you smashed his face in.
Jeremy: also remember he was kicked off the two shows he was on first, both times. That should have given me the heads up he was a loser from the get go. I'm stupid. I know.
Oh chill, you're not the only one who falls for poison. I'm just self-destructive like that. But yeah, that REALLY should have tipped you off to how much of a realitard he was. Now if you could just smash Tila Tequila's face in like you did Danny's, I'd die happy. God help us all if I have to suffer through another season of A Shot of Penicillin with Tila Tequila.
When you sleep with dogs, you wake up with fleas. Simple, overused phrase but I think it describes your situation. I haven't been reading your blog for very long at all. It just seems like you're a glutton for punishment. I don't know you nor claim to know you but if the people you choose to be around fuck you over (pun intended) so much, then maybe you should stop associating with them. Of course it sounds easy but of course it isn't. I think you should stop defining yourself by your line of work or get out of it completely. You need to build yourself up because you can't depend on anyone else to do it for you. I think you already know that.
James, Not for nuthin' (excuse me I'm from Brooklyn) but I would rather see you doing something good for yourself, whatever you think "good" is for you than being happy that danny supposedly is suffering.
I know it feels good now but really when one is in that negative space it comes back.
When you do positive things for yourself and your life (besides being rid of someone who you thought was toxic) then one usually just doesn't care whether or not someone else is suffering because you are too preoccupied with your own happiness and pursuit there of.
so go do something that truly makes you happy and feel good about yourself you have said you like karaoke, go getcha some of that , maybe you'll meet the crooner of your muscley dreams or hell just have a few laughs without drugs or sex.
always the best.
Hey i saw your status on myspace and came to your site. Im sorry it must be rought for you right now, reading your last entry and all. Me being only 16 I have never had a bf or gf or even kissed a guy or girl so i dont what the whole "thing" feels like. I know i dont know you but i am sorry this happened to you. There are alot of jerks out there and i am sorry you ended up with one. I hope i never go out with a jerk but its almost inevtibale in a person's life. anyway i jut wanted to say sorry for what has happened to you and things will get better and to not be ashamed of yourself. I cant wait to read the rest of your blog, thanks for the site haha.
Well i will probally end up commenting on other ones, Jesse
DAMN! Amazing stuff. Really visceral.
J,
Been away from this for a while, I hope that you are doing better... Your comments sound like you are in a good mood compared to your post which is great. Enjoy the rest of your week and weekend.
-K
So I've read a couple of your blogs and not that you'll read this comment but I post it anyway. You're one of those guys that has the genetics going for him, especially when it comes to the looks department, and you've chosen to capitalize on it. So what if you've been in porn and everyone has seen you naked and has seen your "cum face". Yeah alot of guys are into you for that reason and the ones you'd like to be serious with are against you for that reason. It's a tough spot but there are many of us who no one has seen us naked and/or seen our "cum face" and people still aren't into us even if our heart is in the right place. It all comes down to the fact that humans need to find that middle ground of personality and appearance. Despite what you may have done, or blogged about there is someone that sees beyond that and the muscles and finds you attractive in body and soul. It's like that for all of us, you're not alone and we all have our distractions be it chemical (drugs/alcohol), physical (sex, sports, games), or whatever (work, travel, etc.) The extremes of how we deal with those distractions are up to us and we can't use people as crutches. We all what everything now and hate the saying "good things come to those who wait" but that's just how it is, and nothing will ever come if you don't feel good/confident in yourself in mind, body, and spirit.
please know (as you probably now do) that there are people who do care about YOU, the person, not just"Eric Rhodes". That being said, I think that what you should consider is that there are people going through similar and even worse life situations. I know, it's is all about the perception of the life challenge(s) for each individual and their reaction to it. If I were able to tell you my life story, you may not understand it not relate, but it is a story which is filled with unhappiness. I have told only 1 person about my life struggle (TMA) and that person is no longer in my life. The interesting thing about TMA is that I have let it destroy my life. I say this not for sympathetic reasons in as much for empathetic reasons. One day there will be a cure for this condition, and thus I remain hopeful. The interesting part in this is that I am a very well-built (older guy/...40-something) compassionate, romantic, loving person, but because of my condition, I have only had a few one-night stands. TMA stripped my life from under me, yet, I still know that there are those struggling with things that I cannot fathom having to deal with. I truly hope that your life challenge will be a happy ending. BTW, if you want to chat or talk anytime, I would sincerely be willing to listen.
If you're happy he's suffering, you're def not over him. You two sound like you're made for each other: two sad, twisted, co-dependents.
Could I ask, was even the sex worth the time?
Uau, strong words you use in your post. Love is a very good thing, but sometimes, in your case for example, love can be a problem. Your lucky is that you're a good man. And if you need a friend i'm here.
If you publish a memoir, I know I'd buy it.
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