its been awhile...
Jesus, for once i don't have much to say. My monotonous routine has me fucking brain dead again. Basically nothing has changed in my life except what the date is and it feel pretty sad. No sex and no drugs. Its doesn't feel like me. I feel watered down. I'm not exactly happy but I'm filling my time with enough nonsense to keep me from being depressed. I have almost mastered the skill of being able to crack a believable fake smile at a seconds notice and i think its probably the best skill one could ever obtain. It has been a great way to blend in and keep the topic off how miserable i have been. Its weird as much as i don't mind talking about my life on here i rather not talk about it in person. Which only makes it more weird since more and more people have been approaching me with printed out pieces of this blog looking to talk about it. It honestly makes me feel stupid and embarrassed.
It like trying to explain a train wreck. I don't know how i got here? I don't know why i do half the shit i do? To be honest i don't wanna know. I just wanna forget.
Anyways, in all my free sober and sexless time i have forced myself to consider change. Something that will better me as a person and hopefully break this stupid cycle of lows and extreme lows. My goal is now to meet myself somewhere in the middle. I'm tired of living in my own personal hell and I'm sure as shit i will never fit in, in heaven so Purgatory is cool with me. I think i have talked about it a couple times already, it just taking that first step. Waking up to a dead world at sunrise and starting over. Erik Rhodes is dead and I forget every part of that old life, like it was a bad dream I woke up in the middle of, saying "thank god that wasn't real". Its time to move on.
I have a few ideas of what i wanna do with myself that I'm semi excited about that should suite me. I really would like to talk about them but once i move on, I'm gonna move on and not look back. Sorry to say i don't think I'm gonna allow anyone to follow. Come on, if i end up working a 9-5 i doubt readers will wanna here me bitch about my cubical or how much i wanna kill my manager anyways.
You know Kurt Cobain was onto something, "its better to burn out than fade away". I understand it and respect it. I rather not be doing porn and writing a blog so long that slowly people lose interest. Jesus think if Nirvana was still around and what shit albums they might be making? But their not, cause Kurt pulled the plug at the right time. Hey, and that's life i guess, live and blend in or kill yourself when the time is right and be the voice of your generation.
I think it would be alot harder to deal with if i ended up being just another dick in the orgy scene, having vicious blogger writing i'm to old and washed up or even just knowing no one is listening cause i barely have anyone reading my blog. I'm smart enough to know i have hit my high note, i have made my mark and i think its time to walk away proudly... well as proud as i can given my lifestyle.
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
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80 comments:
Dude --- your beatuful, and you have personality ... YOU have more options than many.
Identify and maximize the blessings "Erik Rhodes" has brought your way.
Eric --- you have nothing to be ashamed of. NOTHING ....
Your beautiful and you shared your beauty ... and it made MILLIONS of people happy to SEE YOU --- not just you having sex.
Depression sucks been there.
Celexa / Lexapro - great things.
Make the most of your immense fame. Charity buddy - think Will Clark.
u fucking suck!
People still come here because they like you, whoever you are. not because your a total mess.(to be argued)
dont leave. to some of us youll never blend in.
cheers,
But we're still gonna hang out, right?
Well, It'll be sad to see you go, but know that no matter what you do, a lot of people support you. And you're right: Why try to fit in with people you don't even like?
(This is the way that I understand your Hello . Goodbye blog)
Jesus, for once I believe that you do have much to say and do. Basically your life will began to change.
No rash sex and no drugs.
I don´t care to know how you got here and why you did half the shit you´ve done. You shouldn´t care about it, too. Because you are considering to change.
You will achieve your goal: meet yourself. Don´t be scared by the things you find in the way.
Erik Rhodes is DEAD
James Elliot is still ALIVE
You are but strong and powerful than at least you imagine
Its time to move on.
And as rjp3 said "YOU have more options than many"
Here´s a little thing by B.M.
I dont feel the suns comin out today
Its staying in, its gonna find another way.
As I sit here in this misery, I dont
Think Ill ever see the sun from here.
And oh as I fade away,
Theyll all look at me and say, and theyll say,
Hey look at him! Ill never live that way.
But thats okay
Theyre just afraid to change.
When you feel your life aint worth living
Youve got to stand up and
Take a look around you then a look way up to the sky.
And when your deepest thoughts are broken,
Keep on dreaming boy, cause when you stop dreamin its time to die.
And as we all play parts of tomorrow,
Some ways will work and other ways well play.
But I know we all cant stay here forever,
So I want to write my words on the face of today.
And then theyll paint it
And oh as I fade away,
Theyll all look at me and theyll say,
Hey look at him and where he is these days.
When life is hard, you have to change.
And here´s a little thing by all of we:
WE ALL WILL ALWAYS BE PROUD OF YOU.
James,
I wish you the best with whatever you do and I am bummed that this may be the end of your blog, which is my all time favorites. Erik Rhodes may go the way of Kurt Cobain but in reading your blog I have no doubt that James will survive. Take care and good luck, I have no doubt that you will do wonders.
-Kevin
Your blog has been interesting. And frankly its never been about the porn or sex for me. I think YOU'RE interesting. I've said it before, and I'll say it one more time, I think you could be a writer of some sort. Whatever you decide for your next adventure, good luck!
I hope you will update us on your plans for the future, but I totally understand if you don't.
Take care.
I truly hope that you succeed James. Although, I have always felt that 'fitting in' is highly overrated. Why be just one of the herd? If you do find a cubicle job, you won't fit in there either.
Some people are meant to be apart from the crowd, are 'extra-ordinary', in the true sense of the word. Accept this fact and find something else you can excel in. Never be ashamed of anything you've done because it's made you the person you are. NO ONE can judge; none of us are perfect.
Peace out.
Well like all the others have said it'll be sad to see the end of this blog. but it makes sense. though i've always been attracted more to your blog for your writing, which i found refreshing and honest, than i did the allure of the 'train wreck' or the porn star celebrity factor. i've said it before, as i'm sure others have as well, you could write. you have a good stance and are always honest and have a great dark edge to it.
hope nothing but the best for you and glad to see you've made a solid decision for your own happiness.
I hope you don't shut down the blog....it is fascinating stuff. Lets be honest here a lof of people come on here to see what movie your in or who your fucking and then they get what they want from it and then prolly move on.
I think its interesting to hear about your life whether your on or off the job, the people you come across etc.
Remember the show queer as folk ? People watched in the beginning because it was men having sex on tv for free that you really did not have to pay for. It was intriguing and when it was all over people like myself stuck around because it was more about the relationships, and interactions and the day to day lives.
( sorry about the comparison it was short notice lol)
Id read even if you never went back to the business, became James the 9-5 guy and fell in love and started a family.
James-who cares if no one is listening.Personally i would rather have no one listen so I could avoid all of the bd advice that people are going to give me...lol. If you want to make a change well then thats great..and if u want to stay the same way thats great. I may not know you but i can c what the real person inside of you is. Truthfully your a nice, caring, person who wears his heart on his sleeve. Thats what makes you such a good person because its your copcity to love and to give yourself a better life. I know you'll end up well because at least you now that you have my 100% support.-Justin
Good luck, james;
but do not forget that you have friends who do not care if Erik Rhodes vanishes, they just care about You, james E. Don't shoot them or your past away, You are the beautiful human being you are because of your past, not in spite of it. You MUST be proud of what you are now.
A big hug, my friend.Bruno
james or erik ore whatever tyoure right ewveeryone yu love ias just gfoona leave you asnd you cant work somewhere thjat just erminds you ofthem cause itrs haard butr please just dpo me this one solid and kep thr blog goooing cause itslike i read and i relaise thhat im not the obnly perosn whos all brken an fucked up and that mayeb im not finished yet so yeh erki james whateveer you chose to be people suck an dyou great and i wish you well jermey
After reading your blog for several months, I have often thought of what you are experiencing as a metamorphosis. You entered into the world of modeling and film that brought you loads of attention, admiration, exposure and money. You also met the parasites that introduced you to drugs and escorting. The mixture of all is LETHAL, especially when you are at the top of your game right now. Just look at the Dead Porn Stars sites to see the prove of what happens on the decline.
Don't be ashamed of what you have done. If anyone criticizes you, they are hypocrites. They have purchased or enjoyed porn at some point in their lives. You have given lots of people loads of pleasure.
I think you are making the right decision. Go out at the top of your game (I wish I could have this talk with Brett Favre right now). You have recognized what the industry is about and what it can lead to. I think this blog in some ways has shown you the good and bad in people but you should be coming away from it with some sound advice and suggestions from the good.
It's time to spread your wings and fly young man. Enjoy the trip!...but don't look back.
I think you should stop blogging and move on with your life. In fact, you have been blogging less and less as the months go by, which I think is a good sign. It was an outlet at first over breaking up with your ex and your transition to be an ex-porn star; sounds like your mission is accomplished. What's next?
James, I'm happy for you and I wish you the best. I don't think it's all doom and gloom, I can't help but feel very positive for you. Much love, I hope you'll find the things you want. Take care of yourself.
I dont think i can believe anyone actually printed a blog entry of yours.
Hi James -
I'm glad to hear that things are turning around for you. Like others here, I will be sorry to see you go, but I have a good feeling that things will work out for you. It may be an exciting life, it may not - but what matters is that you feel happy with it. Let Erik go, and let James have the future he deserves.
By the way, I'm glad you're smiling more - even if it's fake, for now. Hopefully, as you transition into a new life, those smiles will become more genuine. You have a great smile, and it makes you look much more approachale than the 'porn start face' which has a tendency to make your lips disappear.
Wherever you go, and whatever happens next, I wish you all the best. You've been through hell, but now you're back. Things will keep getting better.
Stay strong - James is an extraordinary person all by himself!
Vaughn
Its a boring week, doesnt mean u have to do anything drastic...
Good luck, James! From personal experience, I think the biggest problem most people have in overcoming their addictions is simply not giving themselves enough time to experience how good life can become after a sustained period of sobriety. They just give up way too soon. It took me a year and a half before my brain stopped craving the craziness and accepted the fact that fun does not have to be drug or alcohol induced.
Yes, you won't have the wild highs of the past and life will feel much more level (and even boring at times) but your general sense of happiness and contentment will grow stronger by the day. Plus you'll wake up knowing what you did last night and be responsible for all your actions...that in itself is an incredible feeling. Thanks for sharing yourself on this blog...you successfully put a truly human face on your porn star image.
Let's get something clear, Kurt Cobain killed himself because he couldn't handle life. He didn't decide that he was at the top of his game and it blew his brains out. He killed himself because he saw no future other than what he was experiencing in the present.
He had a newborn and he killed himself anyways, because he was afriad of living. Fear destroyed him, durgs were just the medicine he used to try and squash that fear.
If Kurt Cobain is to be an example, let him be one of wasted potential, because think of the music that the world missed out on when he pulled that trigger.
You don't have to be a star to light the sky or warm peoples hearts, contrary to ever message popular culture crams down our throats.
You can walk away from this part of your life and go on to have a meaningful, joyous life free from the personal hell you created for yourself.
To hear that you are even slightly excited for the future is a great step. Seeing possibility in the future, working towards something and having goals is what distinguishes one day from the next. You may have never learned that or forgotten it along the way.
I am going to miss your playlist most of all!
Glad to hear things are looking up for you, and mentally and emotionally you seem to be finding balance. I truly wish you tremendous success in all of you future endeavors. I hope, as your head is clearing and the confusion you've experienced in your life gets sorted out, or you discover better ways of managing it, you realize that you can accomplish everything your heart desires. Beyond the hatred (or embarassment) you feel for yourself, or the inner being you so dispise and want to get rid of, you are a truly good person, with a good heart. You've made some mistakes in your young life, but you've done something with it that many people, both young and old, refuse to do, you admit to your mistakes and you learn from them (it may take a while, but you seem to genuinely want to learn and make a positive change), truly impressive. Thanks for sharing. I think this motto is powerful, and I want to share it with you;
"If you're interested, you'll do what's convenient; if you're committed, you'll do whatever it takes."
All the best, and only the best for you, James. To be honest, you (your words) will be missed if and when you do give up this blog. Even though you feel you have nothing to offer and cannot connect with people, you have more to offer than you know, I hope you come to that realization in the near future.
T.
If you're this ashamed of who you are, then maybe you should change.
I, for one, think you should just change your attitude and be proud of who/what you are, in addition to finding another professional interest to pursue later in life.
These extreme attitudes that you have to be one or the other, office schlub or whore, are ridiculous.
And you seem to believe you will be miserable if you retire your asshole and work 9-to-5.
Not if you find a job you enjoy. You can even find plenty of "office careers" in the sex industry to keep things interesting, gay-friendly and fun if you like.
Just be creative and don't think in absolutes.
Steroids and Drugs effect your mood and state of mind more than you realize. If you stop, I am sure you will feel like shit for a while, but then you will start to feel normal....it just takes a while. It's funny you talk about your mood changes, but don't seem to realize that the drugs and steroids play a major part.
PS. Despite what your trolls say, people do not come here because they like you....they don't even now you! ...and the way you present yourself ...is not in a very likeable way, more like an asshole way. If you act like an a-hole and people are telling you are not it is because they want something from you and it's not your awesome personality. Git it together man. Do not ingest this dose of reality anally.
If this is the end of your blog, I'm glad to have been able to read it and find out about some of the struggles of someone I may never have known anything about.
I wish you the best in your life and hope to hear good things about a guy who used to do porn and is now do things he can be really be proud of.
Life will give you what you want if you want it bad enough.
Hey man, don't feel ashamed or stupid. I think we all have our demons that we never talk about in public. That's part of the beauty of the blog world. It allows us to get our inner-most feelings out, and if people want to comment, they can... if not, then that's good too.
I think it's good that you have a blog cause most people only get to see the guy on the screen or the cocky guy who does interviews, but with the blog you can be free to show that other side of you. And the beauty of blogging is that you can be as open or as private as you want to be. Unfortunately, in my profession, I can't really say too much about my real life in my blog so it stays pretty anonymous.
But dont' worry about having nothing to say now and then.. I think we all fall into that monotony now and then bro. Just take a look at my blog. You can totally tell when there's nothing really going on in my life cause I end up blogging about hot guys and porn hahahah. But every once in a while, something comes up in my brain that I just need to get down, and that's what the blog is for.
I haven't really had the chance to read much of your blog just yet...but it seems like deep down inside you are a really great guy, and I'm glad that you have a way to show that part of you.
If this is the end - Good Luck and Best Wishes.
If this is not the end - I'm still sticking around.
Regardless. No matter how messy you are, you are still brilliant in your own way.
Damn, you make a hot tranny mess look like she got her act together! When you gonna learn it aint all about you, and the longer you make it about you, the more miserable you will be. But then, given it's always about you, the chance of you reading this is 100% unlikely. Neither passing judgement nor offering you answers. It's your life to fuck up.
James,
As always, you are figuring things out and I have no doubt that you'll find your way into a better place. Thanks for sharing as much of yourself as you have. I'm looking forward to somehow, someday hearing about that guy who used to be Erik Rhodes and being really impressed at how far he's come.
so smart. so articulate and so fuckin cunt-like fucked up
i'd love to get your hole for a day and fill you with some brains...i could inject your cunt with some smarts
better to burn out than fade away? isn't that def leppard?
and please don't take anything Kurt said to heart. I will always love him but honestly he was weak.
it takes strength to continue living in this world but he couldn't handle it. he even had a child and was so selfish he has to die instead of at least trying to continue for her.
And I for one would love to hear all the so called shit albumns he might have made.
James you seem a lot stronger than that. whatever you do I'm sure you'll great. I think you can cope in the real world.
It's either going to be you decide to leave or someone decides for you.
Which do you want it to be?
hi erik.
been one of your avid fan here in the philippines.
watched, well at least, more than half of your movies and read quite a load of articles about you.
being in the porn industry is something that is really hard to do and have as a profession. but being on it does not necessarily convey that the person in it is a bad one.
psychologically, there will always be a turning point in every porno star's life..realizing, contemplating, deciphering the essence of one's life and his existence.
in your case, stepping out of it can be good for you. there is always a light at the end of a tunnel. i think, based on your blogs, you are a nice guy...
i know you will find whatever it is that you are looking for - be it personal satisfaction, food for your spirit, or a moral obligation to your own self.
I am not very good on advising, but i know you'll be finding what you really want in your life soon.
The porn industry might have been your stepping stone for something better for yourself.
I admit seeing you in a porn movie makes me very very excited. But knowing you have a peaceful, happy and satisfied life could be make me even more happy about and excited.
Take care Erik and best regards.
Bjoern from Manila, The Philippines
jay_win_05@yahoo.com
cycles of lows and extreme lows? that's a bad place to be - you need a big change of scenery! a new place and a new focus:) Eart your heart out Dr Phil, I'm here!
Robert: First, your hot tranny mess comment was so corny, i cringed when i read it, out of embarrassment for you. You sound like another typical faggot that can't think for himself.
Second: Of course this blog is all about me. Its not called "Erik Rhodes Celebrity Gossip blog" or how about "Erik Rhodes Saves the World". Its my thought and my life and once again in your short comment you sound like a complete moron.
Three: I read your comment. Douche.
It would be too easy to diss you about this entry. So just this...good luck, if in fact, this actually IS a final good bye to your "old" lifestyle of porn, drugs and whoring.
muscle dad: come on, i think we would love to hear your creative diss. Please indulge me.
Erik-James, your diaries are hilarious!!! You should read them on Mortified!!!
Hailed a "cultural phenomenon" by Newsweek and celebrated for years by the likes of This American Life, The Today Show, Esquire, The Onion AV Club, Daily Candy, Entertainment Weekly, and E!, Mortified is a comic excavation of the strange and extraordinary things we created as kids. Witness adults sharing their own adolescent journals, letters, poems, lyrics, home movies, stories and more.
After all, where else can you hear grown men and women confront their past with firsthand tales of their... first kiss, first puff, worst prom, fights with mom, life at bible camp, worst hand job, best mall job, and reasons they deserved to marry Jon Bon Jovi.
http://www.getmortified.com
XO
I hate to put this here with all this weak praising and heavy bashing but from the heart I take my hat off to you cause so much of what you've written or expressed has been on point with what I'm going through/dealing with. I'm the complete polar opposite of you (even hate some of the shit you say) but your blog allows me to see how I really look in the mirror and I don't like it. That is a huge inspiration, thanks! Feels good to know I'm not the only one asking how the hell I ended up here and on a mission to get out, which is hard but anything worth having, especially a fulfilling life, is gonna be worth it!
Hello James,
Started reading your blog recently. Its deep shit you are going through... been there. Had to rebuild my life some years ago.
Its not easy but, by what you write, you seem to be on the right way to get back on top. If you wanna chat, email me!
Good luck and take care!
Rick
I would hate to you close down the blog. It's not your porn activities that keep me reading this; it's the fact that you yourself are an interesting person.
Living here in NYC is pretty depressing, but reading your blog makes me feel like i'm not so alone since you seem down a lot of the time, too. I really really hope you don't stop writing.
SIGH! ERIK, LET'S THINK ABOUT THIS FOR A SECOND...
A. NOBODY IS GOING TO REMEMBER YOU BECAUSE YOU ARE A GAY PORN STAR, AND THEREFORE PATHETIC AND MEANINGLESS.
B. KURT COBAIN & HEATH LEDGER WERE TA-LEN-TED. SOUND IT OUT FIRST THEN LET THAT SINK IN.
C. NOT SAYING THIS ALL TO BE RUDE, BUT IT'S TRUE.
D. GAY PORN STARS ARE EGOMANIACAL ASSHOLES & SO ARE MOST GAY MEN, AND THEREFORE DO NOT DESERVE THAT POSTHUMOUS SUPERSTAR STATUS, AS YOU HOPE TO ATTAIN...SIMPLY BECAUSE THEY FUCKED A LOT OF GUYS.
E. I HATE THAT YOU ALWAYS IGNORED ME AND HOPE YOU KNOW THAT, IN CASE YOU DECIDE TO OFF YOURSELF.
Certainly, the fake smile is an invaluable skill, congrats on mastering that!
It would be a shame to retire your complex and intriguing persona. You add levels to a sometimes unbearably superficial profession.
If, for your mental health, you feel it's best, good luck. Being a fan of insanity and personality disorders, I don't understand, but that's just me I suppose...
ALSO....
I DON'T CARE IF YOU TRASH MY COMMENTS BECAUSE YOU ONLY READ THE COMMENTS THAT ARE DISSING YOU AND THEREFORE STARVED FOR ATTENTION...BITCH(AND YOU ARE) ITS YOUR BLOG AND YOU CAN MOAN ALL YOU WANT TO...
BUT I'D LIKE TO POINT OUT HOW STUPID THAT IS AND THE ONLY REASON PEOPLE EVER SAY NICE THINGS TO YOU IS BECAUSE YOU HAVE A NICE BOD & YOU...WELL YOU DON'T HAVE A LOT ELSE GOING FOR YOU...
THANKS FOR ALLOWING ME THE OPPURTUNITY OT EXPRESS MYSELF & HOW MUCH I HATE SELF-ABSORBED MEATHEADS LIKE YOU...
I ALMOST KILLED MYSELF UNTIL I STARTED LEAVING MESSAGES ON YOUR BLOG.
this week youre beautiful next week youre hell
it gets easier and easier, but the relapses are just as hard.
however, my red neck sunburn is clashing with my red hair..
any suggestions?
www.riotriotriot.com and comment :P
(and we can talk my tattoo)
I undersand every word! im not just blowing smoke at you!! i felt that i have had every siutation that you described in the blog, except the orgy part! hit me up on my myspace sum time!!! i have you as a friend my screen name is WTF! WHAT IS LIFE ABOUT?! hope to hear from you
Was gonna say how much I loved the Best of Eric Rhodes DVD (expecially the scene with Fox Rider) but you're depressed ...
Things that cheer me up.
Augusten Burroughs shorts
Janet Evanovich Novels (especially the Stephanie Plums ones)
My Best Friend's Wedding
Desperate Housewives
Sex and the City.
The Incredibles
Carl Hiaasen novels
Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Gossiping with my evil girlfriends form work
James
Ultimately you have to bite the bullet and move on.
When I have to make a life changing decision I take ages but my priority is to be honest to myself (screw what others think) and make a decision that I know I will look back on and still see that it was the best decision I could have made at that time. It doesn't guarantee the choice was the right one. The toughest thing is to be honest with yourself.
Writing this blog doesn't have to stop - BUT it doesn't mean it has to be online. Just write it for yourself to help process your thoughts. After struggling (and struggling) with issues very different to yours I have taken much from an almost daily journal of my thinking.
If I were you I'd get away from where you are. Uproot and see what the rest of the world has to offer. You are still young!
All the best mate
James
"brian's not trying" = ridiculous, why do people keep calling you james? are you not blogging anymore? can you atleast still make porn? i mean you need to pay your bills.
slurpees always make me feel better
so did you enjoy your meal at the shake shack? I took Danny's order. How are you guys doing by the way.
Eric/James,
I've worked with a lot of gay men with mental health problems and substance abuse problems. Whether they were caused or worsened by you past career or vice versa you should get some help before you wast more (or all ) of the rest of your life. Treatment can help....I'm a professional who guilty of watching you guys and enjoying it....recognize it probably isn't the healthiest thing for models or customers. So anyone judging is a jerk.....if they know who you are then they watch porn. But clearly this goes beyond just ambivalence over porn and drugs and into deeper problems. Please don't be rash, don't continue hurting yourself and find some help. dockneel@gmail.com or aol.com
hie Eric/james,
I ggoled your name, to find some pic of that beautifull guy you are and i discover your blog, and figure out how much more you are than this sexy figure.
I like the way you writte, the honest and distanced view you have on your live, and the way you speak about it, totaly opened.
you seams to be a great guy James, never let the drugs destroy it. the porn actr thing will never kill you. it's a part of your life, and has many have mentioned it there, it made good to many people, so don't be ashamed, it's part of your lofe, you and the other have to accept it. but that will never prevent you to make new things, to have a new totally different life (drugs will).
i wish i could once see a real smile on your face (not those fake ones you speak about). that would mean you have found how all those big advantage nature (God) gave you could make you happy.
(that would also mean i'll be in front of you and i would like to meet such a nice guy like you;) )
keep looking, and keep sharing that quest with us in your blog, when i see all the response for your post, it seams you're really not alone in the world :-)
was nice to read your post, i feel like i have met a new person. take care
you seams to be a nice person personn, there's so much to do iun the world
Eric if you don't wanna have you should close it but you could start a therapy in order to find what you look for. If you ahve got problems send me a email and we will talk togehter. Be strong
Soon
Ed
Hi i let you this message to tell you that you could start over, change your life, do something you couldn't do before i don't know maybe travel around the world or start something which could make you feel good. You could change of job. It's your life and you are master of your destiny. I ope you'll read this message.
Soon
Ed
hello it's me again about the last message i've left i didn't let my email address which is armitage69@laposte.net
Soon
Ed
James,
God speed to you and your future.
I understand the point about "fitting in." I don't know if it's as much about fitting in as it is about feeling connected to others. I've been there and--in some ways--I still am.
It's interesting that so many guys would kill to be you, but you want to be someone/something else. Ultimately, you are just like everyone else trying to find their place in the world.
Keep your head up and keep moving forward.
Wow, I'm a "typical faggot", "complete moron",and a "douche". Really impressive command of the english language, Erik. You'd best stick with jacking yourself up on roids, fucking on video for pay, and writing this blog cuz otherwise you'd have nothing to blame your misery on. Erik Rhodes quit gay porn, yea right. You couldn't handle the most simple happiness of being an ordinary gay man, in a relationship, with job, in these most amazing times. Time for that fake smile buddy, cuz I'm just a typical faggot, right?
happiness aint something that happens. its something YOU make. and after doing drugs it can take your brain up to 2 years to naturally create "happy" for you. that's up to 730 days of feeling this way. im a functioning gay male and somehow came across your blog so I thought id comment. however im an asshole and don't think ill care enough to come back and see how you take this but feel free to hit myspace (i think we're "friends") to tell me to fuck off or whatever.
but I find that people who broadcast/blog themselves are actually just broadcasting their cry for good advice.
and lets face it. half the marys on this bitch are in no place for giving it to you.
I am and so here it is.
1)surround yourself with people who you admire and don't have to compromise any of their vices.
2)stop feeling sad. your alive and clearly somebody loves you. otherwise you wouldve ended it years ago.
3)every morning when you wake up find a mirror and kiss it. I am utterly in love with myself and ever since I met me and my worth. I haven't had a sad day yet!
4)MOVE ON. you need to move. emotionally, physically, psychologically. whatever. wherever you are, it is harboring and nourishing these feelings of sadness.
hope this helps.
if not feel free to say bugger off @
myspace.com/lowfever
clearplastic'shit'bag thinks I'm ridiculous but nobody gives a fuck about me. You wanna know why? It's because I'm normal and fat.
James/Eric is another pornstar who gets to have sex and make money...and whine about it. That's ridiculous.
And why should anybody listen to me or anything the rest of the Bear community has to say because we don't live a fantsay world where gay men whose daddies didn't accept them can get drunk off cum and have the perfect boyfriend, or the perfect body, or the perfect designer home.
And another thing... just because you look nice doesn't mean that you have to treat people like shit...including yourself.
I'm sick of people kissing Erik's ass...I'll tell the truth...
He's a jerk and he's bitter.
AND MOST IMPORTANTLY...KURT WAS TALENTED. ANY HOT ASSHOLE CAN FUCK!!!!!!!
You can get out of this. Lots of people will critique or disagree with you but in the end, you are the one in control. I wish you the best of luck. You learn a little bit more about yourself with each posting.
Sometimes radical change is the only way to get over a tumultuous time in your life.
Some of us our born to be a Hot Mess. You just have to own that shit.
who's james anyway?
James/Erik-
Only you can know when it's time to hang it up. As a former escort who never had the nerve to go the porn route, I get it. It is better to walk away while on the top of your game than to have a bunch of vicious queens ripping flesh from your carcass if you happen to gain weight, or even worse, show yourself aging...you've seen how brutal they can be from the safety of anonymity.
You've certainly given us all an insight into your life, without the filters that normally allow only the socially acceptable parts of a person's life make it to the blogosphere. Good luck, remember your friends and family... they will always be there for you.
Hello I'm Ruben webmaster from www.PerfilG.com and www.RoYalGay.blogspot.com may I asking, if we may exchange banners or links,I waiting for response, one greeted ;)
My email is ruben@perfilg.com
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Hola soy Rubén el webmaster de www.PerfilG.com y www.RoYalGay.blogspot.com me gustaría saber si podemos hacer un intercambio de banner o links, Espero tu respuesta, un saludó ;)
mi correo es ruben@perfilg.com
Erik,
I don't even know if you read all the comments your friends and fans post here but people care about you and like you and they adore your authentic voice. I am a professional writer and I don't get 70 comments on MY blog! You're doing something right so keep rolling with punches but lead with your heart. Hold your head up. And keep writing. It's your perfect form of self expression, I think.
Hugs,
AJ
The comments are meaningless. No one here knows you.
We are often at the gym together at the same time during the day. I don't know you and you don't know me. Until this week I did not know what you did for a living. I don't watch porn, and I've never seen one of your films, but I have seen you laugh and smile at the gym. It is that kindness and warmth towards others which, regardless of its reward for yourself, will lift you up in the end. I understand well how a certain appearance and profession can affect other's treatment towards you. It might sound hokie, but prayers of gratitude and guidance can help you cope. Gratitude for life itself and guidance through your life. When you feel alone in your world, remember that you are and always will be loved - even to the end of time.
You have tons of options for things to do, and while you may have hit your "high note" in porn there's plenty other places where you could still hit another high note. And even though I haven't been getting on here that much lately, I don't think you can say that nobody is reading your blog...you have 70 something comments!
I for one have always liked the trainwreck and sex star aspect of the blog. Gives me a glimpse of a world I'm not in and can be jealous of but at the same time make me glad that I'm not in it LOL!
I think it would be great to read a blog about how a former sex star tries to go legit and not go for the easy answers of "running low on cash? I can always call some former clients and get banged etc and make the money."
stressed from work? I could always quit and go back to porn. Porn loves comebacks no?
The different perspectives of sex and workplace /business world or "straight" jobs would make for a great read.
I can just picture a prospective employer trying to sexually harrass you and you opening up a can o' whoop ass and then writing about it.
Good luck James. Hopefully you find your happiness.
Maybe watching "the secret" again?
you'll be back, Erik Rhodes.
Where does your potential lead you?
You know you mention heaven and purgatory, which are very Catholic notions of the afterlife. You only end up in purgatory if you're on your way to heaven, not hell. Admittedly, somewhat silly terms for such profound realities.
I know people who could help you change your entire life in a week. It would blow you out of the water. No strings attached, no boring meetings, no psych jobs. It happened to me, too. It's just, real freedom and new life.
Just throwing that out there man.
Peace to you.
Oh my God... dont shut this blog down, leave it up for the comments. Pour example:
Dear Porn Star I dont know...
Your soul.... its so beautiful. Inspiring words of advice you dont care about and yet ultimately makes you fall in love with me... butterfly kisses....
Your Soulmate (but you dont know it yet)
now you are beginning to whine. your posts are too interesting for that. you should def quit the cock and drugs business; start off by writing a book about it. you clearly have the writing ability and there is more than one publisher who would publish a memoir by a gay pornstar. could start a new career.
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