So I'm better.
Its back to my normal routine and i feel like I'm just play a game of catch up. I have put 10 pound back on so I'm not as depressed as i was earlier in the week but by no means do i feel happy go lucky. In fact i am just super pissed off at the world and as much as i would love a pull a Michael Douglas in one of my favorite movies "Falling Down", i have just simply been walking around in quiet contempt of everything and everyone. I been dreading simple conversations in the fear of just snapping. I can't help for reading most of this world as fake, i can't stand it.
Not to mention it seems like i have a whole new batch of readers that wanna save me, well let me be the first to say this is the wrong fucking time to reach out to me and trying to work your voodoo.
Maybe I'm bitter over me and Danny going our separate ways again? I don't think so. The fucking kid got mad at me for me yelling at a telemarketer who called my cell phone. Like, are you insane? What am i allowed to be pissed off at? I fucking allow people to invade my personal space every fucking day and i just let it pass cuz I'm trying to be nice, well fuck that and fuck him. Where do i draw the line or do i let myself suffer until there is not a single ounce of me left? I'm tired of being walked on, I'm tired of playing pussy boy. I refuse to sit here as the quiet whipping boy, while everyone gets what they want except me. I offer everything i got, right down to my last dollar and all i get in return is being told to shut up?
I can't. I have so much to say and no one to say it to, and you don't wanna listen? Then why the fuck do i need you in my life? I'll just cut you out like everyone else. I'm so much better alone... at least i keep trying to convince myself that. Maybe I'm not better alone but at least i know I'm better without you.
Sorry for that little rant. If you could see what a huge push over i could be, you would more than likely laugh at me. Obviously I'm tired of it, and honestly i could use someone new in my life. I watch a bunch of these other porn stars make you tube videos about there happy new love interests and i wonder to myself "why is it so hard for me". Granted i pick everyone to shreds in my head when I'm no prize pig myself. I can't help it. Maybe its just obvious that i have a couple storage units full of baggage and that's why people keep there distance? Maybe everyone is saying the same thing i say about them? Maybe these guys look at me and say, "shit i have nothing in common with him, so why waste my time". Granted if you are some pop diva worshipper, yeah keep your distance but i can tolerate alot, I dated a fucking cheerleader for Christ sake and they can almost technically be called inhuman.
*** In response to readers: I'm not the "why me" type. My comments are just based on frustration of not understanding simple human emotions. I'm not giving up though. I'm not going to bury my head in the sand and fly my white flag. This blog is basic inner monologue.
I don't know where this is going, i just felt like bitching, I'm done for now.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
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66 comments:
Good god.
R u still on drugs?
So much to say but you dont wanna hear it.
Cant bitch at you - you dont wanna hear it.
Cant offer constructive advice - you dont wanna hear it.
WTF Do you want?
Work that out - maybe you might get better.
I cant believe it when people I chat to who have met you say such nice things about you when appear so seriously fucked.
'I watch a bunch of these other porn stars make youtube videos about there happy new love interests and i wonder to myself "why is it so hard for me'...
Maybe you expect too much? For some people, a good fuck is a good relationship. Obviously, it means more to you than that. Me too *sigh*
people dont want the 'why me' baggage,
frankly no one really wants you. they're just not that into you.
why hold it against you when you know you're a good guy with a lot to offer.
you're special in the way that you like a guy who balances you out, because i'd be yellin' at the telemarketers before you got a chance buddy..
you're not the only one.
but my new thing is i dont offer advice. so the rest it up to you.
yawn
Wah wah boo hoo. For someone who is wanting so badly to be left alone and sick of all the people who reach out to help you,your comments are a sure sign of someone who is begging for attention you love and feed off the sympathy and attention. I will not be your sympathetic character.
glad you are well at least physically; A hug, bruno
"why is it so hard for me"..
Yeah I know
Try mental, emotional constraint, i.e. the telemarketer (who's actually working a TRUE piece-of-shit job)...also civility to others without being a doormat...desire without obsession or jealousy...earning love and affection rather than buying it. Foreign concepts to you perhaps, but these are traits of an adult. Oh and google "Deserata", it works for me sometimes when my head space is where yours is.
Hey mate,
I know how you feel about being single. It's pretty fuckin' disheartening.
It's like when you see ugly couples (or worse, one hot person with a fugly person) and they're insanely happy (not that I'm shallow or anything) ... then you see really sweet, beautiful people who are so lonely.
(But then again, it's not that often that you find a boyfriend when you're looking for one -- these things just tend to happen)
Take heart buddy ... it'll come in time. Despite how much you talk yourself down, you actually sound like a pretty sweet guy -- just angry at the world.
You're standing up for yourself, with the telemarketer and Danny. Life's too short to waste by not telling people when they're pissing you off -- if you don't, you'll just get angry and they'll just keep pushing you around. So well done, you should be proud :)
Have you spoken to a doc about any of this? I know a few people who have sounded a bit similar to the things in this post who eventually got diagnosed with depression. They got treated, and suddenly all the shit in life which was getting them down, didn't get them down so much.
Just take care of yourself mate -- keep getting better physically, keep yourself busy, and have a good time -- not at the clubs or anything, cause they're soul destroying hellholes. Just have some mates around, watch some DVDs and eat some good food (well it makes me feel better anyway :))
Don't feel sorry about bitching, that's what your blog is for. You know you can't buy love, so stop being a pushover. Although you have to start recognizing no one is perfect out there, if you don't think that you are perfect, you can't pick everybody else apart.
A wise friend just spared her wisdom in saying that in negotiating, you have to pick your must-haves and your it-would-be-nice-to-have and ready to surrender the secondaries for your primaries. I think the same theory can go for meeting a guy.
And are you on steroids? Picking up 10 pounds so fast... It might be the reason why you're so angry and pissed off. It might not be people around you but the chemical exaggerating your negative feelings.
And what are you talking about, of course you're a prize pig! :P
Hope everything goes well with you.
It seems like you feel isolated even though you are surrounded by people. You live in fricking Manhatten where fags are piled on top of each other and you are well known so there can't be too many times where you left to your own devices.
You mentioned in a previous post faking it, putting on a social veneer and being pleasant etc. In this post you mention the fakeness of others and how you cringe at the insincerity you sense in others. All this is true, we all fake it everyday and in some small part we are being inauthentic every time we do this. But is it wrong or just part of life? I think there is an extent where you put the feelings and needs of others as a priority but this doesn't need to diminish a sense of self. That balance is unique to each of us...i guess we a gay snowflakes that way.
In some ways, these days have to be new to you. If you have stopped or curtailed your drug use, you are really experiencing the world for the first time in a while without your crutches, without the things you used to escape what you are feeling. If this were a muscle, it would be puny and underdeveloped.
To look at you, one would think you are a meathead whose biggest concern in life was bigger calves, but the more I read these posts I find your introspection into your life makes me take a white glove to my own. Sadly, you are not the sex object to me you once used to be...sigh...you are real person, complicated, troubled, pissy (sometimes) but your are also funny, deep, smart and probably very compassionate in spite of yourself.
iabe
Try registering at www.donotcall.gov to get the telemarketers off your back. :) Worked wonders for me.
Now dont you wish you didnt tell us to keep our danny comments to ourselves?
re: other porn stars with happy happy youtube vids, and comparisons to other people in general: don't judge your insides by their outsides. in other words they may project something happy, but they're probably as miserable as you inside. don't you call us all idiots who look at all the superficial things about you and therefore think you must have a great life? you are doing the same thing. it's easy to seem happy; a lot harder to actually be that way.
Glad your feeling better, sounds like your back to your old self. ;) As far as the telemarketing thing and
I'm sure you don't need me to say this but for him to be mad at you for yelling at them is totally idiotic.
And yet still it cracks me up that some of these people come on here and try to rip you to shreds for things you put in your blog, call you names etc etc run you down but still come on here week after week to see what you have to say. Gimme a break!
So are you still planning on retiring or you thinking of staying in the biz a little longer ?
D'ya ever think that maybe you don't need someone in your life? Gay, straight, bi, whatever, they're all so busy running around trying to meet someone special that they haven't realized that coupling isn't really a natural inclination for humans; if we actually included ourselves in the animal kingdom (instead of above it), then we'd be classified as herd animals. Herd animals don't wander off into sappy Hallmark couple's fantasy lands; the herd eats, sleeps, and ruts together.
Venting your frustrations in this blog is useful, but also just treading water. Why not dump the guilt and shame and just enjoy being a sexy porn star who is crazy about having sex--it's not shameful, shallow, or an addiction, it's just natural.
haha
you remind me of me
Well, at the beginning of your blog, I was about to enter the following commnent:
"Are you cycling again?"
I guess this is why it's better to let someone complete their thought before making a statement.
Sometimes you just need to vent; unfortunately you don't have anyone who will sit and listen to this type of rant. If I were in your situation, I would be greatful that I still (at least) have my blog readers. Even if you can't talk face to face with someone, you still have people that are willing to "listen" to what you have to say. Think about it, how many people have readers who check your specific blog website (as often as they do) just to hear what you have to say, and these are just the people that comment. Apparently, you do have things of value to day, and even if they think you're juiced up, cracked out, mentally unstable, self-dillusional porn star, people still keep coming back to read what you say.
Personally, I think you're just like the rest of us, doing the best you can with what you've been given.
PS-Why do you need to apologize for how you feel?
One last thing, it was really hard for me to find someone for two reasons:
1: I have standards and don't waste time going on dates with guys where I know isn't any kind of attraction to him.
2: I didn't think I deserved a great relationship.
To not see all the superficial bullshit in the world you would have to be blind. Granted i try my best of weeding that shit out of my life but at times i wish i could get caught up in fog that everyone seems to be lost in. I wanna play pretend for awhile, ya know, maybe not even play pretend, i honestly would like to be swept off my feet at some point. As silly and unrealistic as that sound, who know s maybe Find someone that has me figured out.
It was funny, just today My-ex gave me shit about thinking i went out over this weekend and partying. And all i could think is "Holy shit, this kid after all this time has no clue who i am" If he knew anything he would know that i am so insecure over my weight loss that i dont wanna leave the house. Yes its crazy, but you would think that he would know and understand my personal quirks by now. It was great to hear and made me very content about going our seperate ways. If you can't figure me out in close to 2 years then what is the point of still trying get you to understand.
Erik, welcome to the game of life.
We're all looking for someone to understand us, someone to love and someone to spend the rest of our lives together.
You're young and still searching.
You'll find someone.
The first step is clean up your act if you're still using drugs.
The next day will always be brighter.
Thanks,
Chris
Erik I've been watching you for a long time, you may or may not have heard of me, but I know what you're going through and hope that you take care of yourself. Be ambitious, and google "David Icke" and take a look at al of his books and movies. Take care of yourself and email me I'll you a big SECRET that will change your life--visit me at www.myspace.com/iconmadonna
Erik I've been watching you for a long time, you may or may not have heard of me, but I know what you're going through and hope that you take care of yourself. Be ambitious, and google "David Icke" and take a look at al of his books and movies. Take care of yourself and email me I'll you a big SECRET that will change your life--visit me at www.myspace.com/iconmadonna
Jason: I will not take any advice from someone with "iconmadonna" as there myspace address name. Seriously, we live on 2 different planets.
well then you are not erik rhodes and I will report you and stupid I know madonna no lie ask her who I am and by the way fuck you he has just missed an opportunity, thanks to you.
You might be hearing from someone soon
and by the way erik is obsessed with Madonna
you need to grow up and out of this if you are going to have a normal life...I went through the same dejected feeling about the shallowness of the world but your blog makes me wonder why - if you loathe that - would you be in porn? That's either your irony - and your problem - or your mask for your own selfishness. Maybe YOU are that shallow thing you hate and the world is not and that is what keeps you from living a better life. The world is nothing and everything so you have to forge a perception worth living through. It is not just superficial. You can't expect it to be something else; you have to be something else. Unless, of course, you are a merely glut for attention; porn would definitely encourage that handicap and make you feel worse. Selfish people don't have good lives. Are you THAT guy?
I teach inner-city kids. They have tough lives, you do not - if only because of your ability to read and write [and write well].
So I discovered you by accident while cruising through some new porn and decided to look you up on line.
I can't believe what I found. I was crying like a bitch reading your blog.
Most of the time I can't even get out of bed and I guess it's weird to know that someone as beautiful as you could feel the same way.
I'm only 28 so I know that I have a long way to go but sometimes I just don't think I'm up for it.
Just wanted you to know that someone was reading and getting something out of it.
M
James:
These guys do'nt know what there talking about. All they want from you is to "suck your dick and at the sametime cut off your balls." Give me a brake! James... go on with your life. I said "YOUR LIFE." And leave the rest behind. You know what's best for you and do it.
maybe people aren't really as happy as you think :Z, rarely do ppl have true self fulfillment among other things...they just never say anything.
Well first I'd like to say glad you are physically feeling better. You should try channeling your frustation. Try the pencil trick, it works ;-) or watch shoot 'em up.
Side note: with the way he types, dtnz should change his name to rorschach.
Erik, que lindo que sos! Y encima leer en este blog toda tu esencia y sentimientos, me deja sin aliento... Bombón, te escucharÃa 25 horas al dÃa y me encantaria contenerte por meses, años, etc... Sos un dulce, y espero que estés realmente bien. Saludos, Diego.
"I dated a fucking cheerleader for Christ sake and they can almost technically be called inhuman. "
LMFAO....i havent truly laughed in a while, thanks.
Oh and Jason, just so you know....people with real feelings don't listen to madonna....because they have brains and they know that the nympho bitch needs to give it up and retire...no one wants to see a grandma doing pelvic thrusts while wearing lycra.
Good for you James for saying that you will not throw in the towel and you have hope for meeting someone and all that other stuff... maybe your depression is getting a bit better?
And I remember when you were dating the cheerleader when I knew you at "FANTASY" I thought that was a funny match at the time and I guess it was now that I read your post LOL.
Is he the dude that made you get rid of the Tom Chase dildo I gave you for christmas that year?
If so then yes he is inhuman LOL. Anyone that would deprive a power bottom such as yourself from a Tom Chase dildo is a monster of a human being, tee hee.
OMG zackyp I friggin laughed my azz off at the madonna comment!! I do like her and respect that at 50 she still can get into a lycra jumpsuit but at the same time I do think she can calm it down a bit LOL
*note to james/erik- your whole blog may now denegrate to a "madonna, love her or hate her?" war. HA HA HA
hi
im hon
Well this is my first comment here....I am very glad you had the balls to tell to all of us to F Off (with your previous PS, LMAO). That means you are alive and getting better.
Whenever I read about your roller coaster life I had a good laugh, meditation moment or something in between....well this weekend I got a roller coaster couple of days myself and oh bud, it feels shitt* as hell. I cannot understand how you have been able to be in and out of such situation so many times!
No drugs here, only liquor, but even with that sometimes you are waiting for the community or that specific person, to reach out for you and then you realize you have been by yourself all this F time!
Anyway I'll find a way out of my own situation and hope you do too.
Hi James -
I think you've already identified a big part of the problem - giving too much of yourself to others.
You have to believe, in your heart, that you're worth your own best in order for it to change.
That's sounds so simple, and is one of the toughest things to do.
But, you can get there, and I believe you will. Just keep taking one step at a time, and don't pressure yourself unduly. Look for the little milestones.
Stay strong - you will achieve it.
i know this is horrible but when i am pissed and i feel like there isn't anything i can do to fix it, i just read about those starving kids in Africa (the ones with the bloated bellies) and that makes me feel a little better
http://tomdavis.typepad.com/
tom_daviss_blog/images/
starving_children_1.jpg
you know, atleast there is always a shop rite around that you can pick up some food from. not to console yourself with food but atleast its conveniently located, i mean no matter what the fuck goes on in life atleast we dont live in some shithole where we gotta fight for some rice, and rice isn't even that good. its just good to know someone is doing WAY worse then i am and that helps.
OK, the fact that you have achieved a few things at this point, means u are a person of worth.
You bod is something that takes work and you aren't afraid to work. What you have physically is very sought after, with good reason. Whether you juice it up or not - either way u are pretty jacked and have earned the right to get dudes boned up in public.
You have created a forum, which many of us enjoy participating in. The thoughts you put down here are not mere child musings - you are an adult, facing the challenges of many adults, but you have the added factor of being (formerly ?) a porn star.
You live in one of the most dynamic and interesting cities in the world - you experience things every day that millions of people would only dream of.
But, having said all that, you have every right to be at times, pissed, horny, cocky, sad, angry, ect. You are a human being.
The question is, can you keep it all in check - so that you enjoy things in life, and enjoy life.
Usually this means enjoying your work. Most saps spent 8+ hours a day in a office and they have to get along with all these small-minded and boring simps. But you get to have a room full of hung black dudes plow your hole over and over. So you are the same as the rest of us, but a bit different.
I think you need to take a month vacation. Go somewhere and just fucking chill. Let you mind settle, let the cock/prostate take a rest.
You are a great human being and no one should tell you otherwise.
would love to lift with you sometime man -
Hi Erik,
I always get a kick out of your posts. Now listen, I am not interested in saving your or screwing you, I like reading your blog. I know Danny is off limits to everyone but you but I think you are expecting perfection from him and geez, the guy was there when you looked and felt like shit and you were puking up your guts etc. I know you thrive on the haters...but remember who cleaned up the barf and brought you soup. Sure wasn't iconmadonna....
aj: I agree, danny was great when it came to taking care of me when i was sick. But i realized, thats how he likes me. He likes when i am weak and easily controlled. Right when i'm back on my feet and i dont need his care he became two faced and pissed off that i could speak for myself and i didnt need him. It was like the gay version of the movie Misery.
And not for nothing, but i'm tired of all this back and forth with him. He hates me, he likes me. I been building up the strenght to walk away and that time is now.
You have substance-induced mood disorder, from the recreational drugs you've been taking. It's altered the biochemistry in your brain. You should see a psychiatrist if you want to reboot your brain.
Finally, finally James. It's like I always said, you know the truth even when it conflicts with your hopes. Danny didn't break your legs, but your balls.
ps. I wonder who Jason is going to report you to? I always thought you were a dyed in the wool Madonna fan (tee hee hee)
I just came across your blog the other day, and would just like to say: I really, really recommend that you stop posting such personal information about yourself for public consumption.
As a public figure, you necessarily have unstable people taking an unhealthy interest in your life - and you are opening yourself up to them... where you live, what illegal activities you may or may not be engaged in, etc. They will feel that they know you and have a relationship with you... really f*cking scary.
Find a group of people you can confide in and you can trust, outside of the circuit-club-bar scene - perhaps a 12-step group, a therapy group, etc. (they are loaded with porn stars and ex porn stars, btw, who will relate to your experiences and can REALLY help you). NYC has plenty of options in that area. You will find that there are others who understand what you are experiencing, have had the same experiences themselves, and have found ways to build self-esteem and have a happy life.
Seriously, good luck to you. You are young and still have a lot of opportunity to make positive choices to have a happy life.
daniel: you have some good insight yet, if you read my whole blog, i have dealt with the whole recovery group bullshit, and its doesn't work. I'm sorry but those groups try and push religon down your throat and i just can't stomach that shit. As far as bar/circuit parties, i am far from that guy. You have only read one part of the story and think you know it all. You don't.
I love the way all these flunkies kiss your arse in the small hope that you might wanna meet them.
Hilarious.
Kiddo, may I say I was plesantly surprised by your comment about danny in your answer to AJ; and I believe that you have hit the nail on the head. Since you do not want to speak about your relation with danny, I will leave my comment at that.
Have a good time doing ordinary things,take care of yourself ;
A big hug from up North, Bruno
Drama meet Queen.
James, don't apologize for being angry. Don't apologize for deciding that you want more than what's in your life right now. Don't apologize for wanting all those people who think you are broken and either revel in their judgment or think they can fix you to fuck off. Don't apologize for recognizing that you deserve to be loved and supported and appreciated.
Be angry. Enjoy angry. Angry is move in the right direction. It's not the final destination, but it's an improvement. You're on the right track.
Being so irritable at every little thing and everyone is abnormal. Sounds like a sign of depression. You have probably a pretty straightforward condition to treat, and it's ludicrous seeing you not getting it.
Erik
I happen to agree with your rants. I get the same way. Everyone seems to want something from me. I see some cute young twink coming to talk to me and the first thing I think is, "What drink do you want me to buy you?"
I actually think its great that you told the telemarketer off. I think it's every New Yorker's God Given right to call out some scum bag.
I just wanted to say I'm in the same boat. Trying to figure out if people actually want to be friends with me or have some utlerior motive.
Most of your readers offer you advice because they don't have a life and think it will land them a date with you. Duh. Your reader comments are way more tragic than your blog posts. One of my faves: "The first step is clean up your act if you're still using drugs.
The next day will always be brighter." Spoken like a true twat.
But those other porn stars who make youtube videos about how happy they are? They're even sadder. At least you seem to know the difference between porn and reality.
I just come here for the music.
Well, bimusljockny25, if James was some old ugly troll, this blog site would be lacking posting activity and no one would care. I'm guilty in that I was so curious to check out this website after meeting James and seeing how hot he is shirtless. But definitely if he was some 60 year old guy in some skanky bar who tried to grab my balls while promoting his website, I would say, "huh?"
Btw, James looks artistic even when he poses depressed on his front page, with interesting looking fonts too. Sometimes I wonder if it's an act. Depressed people should look disheveled, haggard, and smelly, not cleanly shaven and sexy like Rodin's Thinker.
all you need is a big dick in your life to fuck you stupid.. then you wont care about all this bullshit
Hi Erik,
I am supposed to be doing book edits but I strayed back to your blog. I was touched by your response to my comment about Danny. I am happy you are thinking this way...it's mature and healthy and it's clear you always find a way to cut right through the crap!
AJ.
I'm calling the cops.
I have been reading your blogs for quite some time. I read them and am compelled to read on, your real and show that there is more to you then just your work. I want to let you know that you give me something and I really appreciate you for it. I mean you put yourself out there and sacrifice that personal part of your life of yours that people sometimes forget that your still a person too. Shit, you got problems just like everyone else. Your more then just a pornstar to me, you really have helped me along the way with some of my own shit and I just wanna say thank you! I wish you the best and continue with the writing.
Kit
Hey man - just wanted to say great music selection you have.. where do you hear this stuff? your blog is one place I come to looking for new music!
James:
Was at a Labor day wknend party,and the host had the dvd of Afterparty playing. I have to say,your more man then me for doing a doublefuck. Ouch!! Good DVD.
Hey, glad to see your feeling better. And for the record, Judging other people is FUN. I mean really fun. I make fun of bag ladies at the gorcery store, and fat people who use scooters, and people who wear crocs. Why? Because it's hysterical, and because I'm pure evil. Point is, don't feel bad for judging people, because it's shitloads a fun.
And about the boyfriend thing? Relax. People who rant on youtube about how in love they are are usually full of shit. When you find someone, you'll find someone, but stuff like his rarely ever happens by force.
HAHA-- I got a kick out of your exchange with that Jason dude. See how quick he turned on you? I had to check his myspace page and it's like the ramblings of a psycho. Scary.
Also, I am really glad to read about someone with very similar feelings I have had throughout my life. It's comforting in a weird way.
I'm just getting into your blog postings. I'm reading that you actually seem to be pretty intelligent and articulate. You mention that you've got a lot of shit weighing you down that you need to unload. It looks like you don't have someone to do that with, so the Internet becomes your outlet?
I'm glad that you don't take bullshit, but I don't know the story with you and your ex. (But at the same time, I am picking up a hint that, emotionally, you need something that will keep you a bit more grounded?)
People think I'm cruel for cutting out people who cause me pain. But I'm with you on this point, and I have no regrets. Why entertain the bullshit if it is only going to cause you problems? It seems to be much harder for others than it is for you or I, I suppose. Not dealing with the crap is just easier.
Sure, things are pretty good when you're not weighed down by others. But no, you're not better off alone, and you have to already know that, despite the benefits. You don't necessary need a guy to be with, but you need friends. We all need friends.
Hey, over to your "Oh, The Depression" post, I saw something else that clicked. It was about not being able to go out socializing. So you drink to get loosen up around people. It worked for me a little, but I understand that you've still got your pride, and you don't want to be that stereotype of a drunk wash-out. You care about what people think, unfortunately.
Despite telling yourself, "I don't care about the bullshit of what other people think", deep down, I bet you know that you really do. And it bugs you, doesn't it?
Hey, an alternative that I want you to try before you go out on another attempt at a night of socializing. It worked well for me, and it might do the trick for you. I don't know if you've tried it, but it is St. John's Wort. It is over-the-counter along with the vitamins and other supplements in the drug store. (And, unfortunately, it isn't too standardized, so one brand may work awesome for you, while another brand may do nothing.)
With St. John's Wort, it wasn't an absolute miracle, but I felt a lot more confident in putting myself out there. If it works for you, you'll be like, "holy shit, this stuff is awesome." I'd say though, that the first time you use it before going out, do not let yourself back down. Go out there. Do it. Don't give yourself an excuse, because the very first time is when you'll have the edge that you need. Put yourself out there. If you use it but do nothing, it is that much harder the second time to do it. (BTW: It also seems to lose its effectiveness over weeks and months of taking it. Bummer.)
You might also, for a good socializing trip, even if just for the experience, go somewhere totally new. Like out of town. Build yourself up some confidence and some experience, knowing that you'll never see these people again, and who cares if they whisper things between each other?
BTW, you mention being the porn star in the corner that people point at but don't want anything to do with. You've got it partially right. There are some people that would want to steer as far away from you as possible. But at the same time, there are many others who are just afraid to come up to you. THEY are feeling the possibility of rejection just as much as you are. ("He wouldn't want to hear my bullshit. He has tons of friends and can have any guy he wants. He's probably got a cool pornstar boyfriend?") HA.
I don't think you realize how many people would say you're awesome.
BTW, I think you do have some shyness? When it comes to meeting people, at least? (Getting off the point here, but another guess here, but at the same time, you can also be very bold?) It is unfortunate, but what I've learned is that people don't read it as shyness at all. Guess what they think of the cute/interesting guy who doesn't go around talking to people? "He's a snob." Sucks, doesn't it?
I could just be reading into you what I want to see, but damn, this looks so familiar.
Back to this blog post, though. Yeah, the hyper-critical stuff. Yeah, it makes things even worse. But I always looked at this on the bright side. You're selective and you know what you want. You don't try on a shoe to see if it fits. You want to know that a shoe will fit before you try it on. It is just a waste of time to date someone for a few weeks and build those connections and then just move on. (And there is probably some irony in there that everyone thinks that you go through men, but really, you find yourself lucky to get someone who you really like.)
I remember a few guys together, they didn't even know me. One of them was really interested in me (and I was interested in him), but I pretended not to hear from a distance as his friends told him, "Look at him. A guy like that probably has probably been with a whole lot of guys. Do you really want a guy like that?" (Yet the reality is that I'm so selective, I'm actually very low mileage.)
I wanted to go over there and set those other guys straight, but I'm not that socially bold of a guy to go out to a stranger and confront them. I so wish I was. So I let it go. (My guess was that the cute guy's "friend" was secretly in love with him, and didn't want the competition. I dunno.)
If you think it is obvious to a good number of people that you have baggage, then visit somewhere different for a change. When you do, you can (even in your situation) pretend to be whoever you want. Mind you, you can't say you're a different person, but you can act totally different and people won't suspect a thing. And I tell you what, your blog won't be an issue there. (Sure, you'll still have the problems with being good looking, and a porn star, but you don't have to worry about any built-up reputation that happens locally.
In all honesty, I'd tell you to move away from NYC (that'd certainly get Gawker off your back), but I guess that most New Yorkers really like the place and would never think about moving. But a fresh start somewhere would do you some good, provided you've got a bit more experience to start over the right way.
Anyways, I'm going onto the rest of your post. Stay awesome, willya?
aye, U better die since you're a fag.
Like, if U're gonna be a pornstar, why not be a straight one? Ain't that WAAAAY better ? fuckin girls, not guys ? Juss think bout it.
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