My 4th of July.
So staying true to my fitting in with the gay world. I spent my 4th of July on Fire Island.
I would have to say the most fun i had on the island was when i just arrived and felt the need to break the ice at my friends timeshare by choosing to steal one of the drag queens wigs and sun dresses and transformed myself into B. Arther on steroids. I'm not sure what it is but i seem to get a kick out of dressing like an ugly bitch when I'm sober. Maybe I'm slowly finding my calling after porn as the ugliest drag queen this world has ever seen. Just a thought. lol.
Of course, after this the drug came out and that's right when everything got boring. (Mental Note).
We did all the parties... high tea, low tea, middle tea, up/down tea, around the bend tea, sideways tea, blow my fucking brains out tea. Basically its just the same party that moves to different place on the island. Because its an island, its all the same people are going to everything, yet you anticipate each party to hopefully be prettier then the last, only to find out, HOLY SHIT, ITS ALL THE SAME FUCKING PEOPLE. You either lower your standards or you do alot of drugs. I chose the drugs. But hey, it was the 4th of July and the only way you can show how much you care about your country is by getting as fucked up as possible and by blowing shit up right? well I was feeling it this year!
The worst part of going to fire island is the close to 2 hour trip home. I regrettably accepted a car ride home from a friend instead of taking the train. About 10 mins into the ride on the long island expressway, i quickly was sobered up and almost started to have a panic attack and realized how much hate long car rides. Its not that i don't trust the driver, well never mind, i don't trust the driver and i don't trust anyone driving around me either. I always picture dying in a "Final Destination" like car crash. The fact that he had a convertible and chose to drive the whole way home with the top down only enhanced my visions of a violent death. Something like the car flipping over and scrapping my face off before sliding to a stop. I thought "well this won't be dying on the couch because an overdoes like you always hoped but at least it will all be over". I was comforted for a moment with the thought yet couldn't stop using my fake emergency brake for the rest of the ride.
I woke up this morning feeling like shit and i instantly called my dealer. All he had was Crystal and as much as i hate doing crystal, i agreed to buying some. I thought fuck it. I'll just get high all day and take some sleeping pills when i crash and we'll pretend this day never existed.
Thankfully i had a half hour before he got here and my better judgement kicked in. I looked at myself in the mirror and said to myself " you know your just going to waste this, you work to hard to look like this to throw it away" Of course i didn't have the balls to call my dealer and say fuck it. So i let him come to my place and ring my buzzer for 20 mins before he finally gave up and left. Sucks for him.
I always do this, its kinda like a kid being denied candy. He eats all he can while his mothers back is turned and then gets sick from it. Then when he has the chance to do it again he doesn't cuz he knows what will happen. The same happens to me... i have my fill and then say...no more. That where i am now. Its not like I'm even having fun anymore, I'm just doing it. I'm getting more depressed and i don't wanna live like this.
I'm tired of trying to fit in. I don't wanna fit in.
Its time to take a break from drugs for awhile and I'm gonna try and find someone to fill this void. Yeah I'm co dependant, who cares. At least i wont be doing drugs. I am a fucking Twin, i was built to be with someone and that's what i need. At least that's how i feel right now.
Saturday, July 5, 2008
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I genuinely wish you well and reiterate my offer of e-counselling, but I truly wonder whether you will succeed.
You are probably a great person at heart (Ashton told me you were at least) but you need more than you are willing to admit / ask for et al.
All the best - I hope you find someone.
James, I have nothing to say, You are not listening.
I could bitch about you looking for help but it would be useless.
Any help offer is time wasted.
So, A big hug, kiddo, read my emails, answer if you care,\Bruno
started reading your blog after randomly finding it.
I hope you know there has to be more people like me that dont necessarily comment or post about how much help we can give you etc etc...but truly just read.
So when you think no one is listening there is always someone.
btw good choice on ditching the crystal, dude any step ...is a step.
:)
ya find a good book...and kudos on the no crystal
I should start a poll for how long we think this mind set will last before he slips falls and goes back to cracko whacko
I can't believe someone like Erik who actually trains and diets as hard as he does to get in shape would also have such a dependancy on recreational drugs and clearly abuse himself so much. It's so pointless. Why would you do it?
I admire your honesty in your blog and you're so open about your sex life, but you just don't have any morals, standards or real self appreciation. Frankly, your sex life is enough to put any future partner off.
We're only here once Erik, make the most of it, you've alot to offer, but for gods sake get a grip of yourself.
I always thought the guy who took a log to the face had it the worst, but having your face ground off is a pretty bad way to go, too. That, and the girl who got her head stuck in the elevator. or the guy sliced up by the fence. I fucking love those movies!
And thank God you said no to Crystal. That shit is made with the stuff under your sink.
Hey Erik,
Congrats on not taking it after all. I am sure this is only a small step but none the less a step into a hopeful better direction. How about you go to a movie Hancock opened this weekend supposedly good and if not get a nice dvd or book and have some people over and just pend a nice day with a few friends. Remember the people who are around you some of them do CARE about you and have your best interest in mind and wold sure spend some time with you if you'd ask.
Sometimes one has to go and make the first step and ask and help is going to be there.
Good Luck and have a great day
And don't listen to those m..... fuckers with their negative comments.
E.
Im sure your going to hear this about this recent post but for your own health I am glad that you took a pass on the C this time. Giving your bod a break will do you some good.
So whatever happened to the one guy from a month or so ago who you enjoyed spending time with and watching bad tv with who you enjoyed his company and him yours ? Im guessing since you no longer blog about him that he is no longer in the picture ? I know you said you thought he was getting clingy on you and was upset because you had to go shoot a movie out of the blue...and that was the last we heard of him. Just curious...
Like you already know, it's best to find something else to occupy your time. Do something else you're interested in, be a physical trainer on the side or do something else positive. Write music, learn something, volunteer, be a model.
We all wish you the best.
At least you made a right decision. At least it's a good sign.
Interesting shit. G luck.
(rolls eyes) You're a grown man. Why would you choose to go to Tired Island anyway? You probably would have had a better time taking the subway to Coney Island or relaxing at home with the July 4Twilight Zone marathon on the tube.
well, whatever people say you sure ain't boring. however, its a bit of the old binge and purge with you. i like myself, i hate myself, i'm going to stay clean, i'm going to get dirty. that said, i decided to see what all the fuss was with atmosphere who you namecheck in your blog on a regular basis. being a 46 year old white middle class homosexual from the suburbs of London i thought this might turn out to be a bad idea as hip-hop has always been the kind of place i have had no interest in visiting. but, as i already own an album by the dust junkys which i love i thought what the hell why not give it a go. so i went out and bought if life gives you lemons and what can i say i was very surprised as to how much i liked it.
kudos and a big gold star for you for bringing them to my attention otherwise i would have passed on by without a second glance. its also one of those albums thats seems best to listen to all in one go rather than dipping in and out. the lyrics are superb. you also get another big gold star for not editing the comments by your readers.
as to the rest. we all need two people in our lives, one to party with and one to cuddle with. for the very very very lucky ones they manage to find this in one person. for the rest of us plebs we find it in two or more. someone we can slob out on the sofa with and watch the telly or simply chill out till the early hours not doing very much just hanging around. then someone we can get totally cunted with who won't judge or take the piss but will wake up next to us in the morning say the same thing ' i will never do that again' and swear off everything until the next time.
i could offer you all the advice i can think of most of which will be of no use at all. i could pretend to care in the vain hope that you will come round and fuck me, not that i want you to but you know what i mean. or i could sit in judgment and go on about how bad you are while at the same time being jealous that you are having way more fabulous and gifuckingnormous cocks and the best drugs than i am which is JUST NOT FAIR. but why bother.
for fucks sake, its your life. who am i to judge. but dont end up overdosing or anything else really fucking dumb. otherwise who am i going to find time to feel morally superior about?
with big hugs you stupid dick
plus kisses
Nosher
the scenery is here and i wish you were all beautiful
I SWEAR TO GOD SOME OF THE PEOPLE COMMENTING TO THIS BLOG ARE MORE SCREWED UP THAN THE PERSON WRITING IT! YOU DO NOT CONGRATULATE PEOPLE FOR THE SHIT THEY DIDNT DO, YOU CONGRATULATE THEM FOR THE GOOD STUFF THEY DO! Im sorry but nobody woke me up today and congratulated me for not smoking crack. Erik you are extremely fucked up and you obviously care about no one else but yourself. LOOK AT HOW SELFISH YOU ARE--YOU REFUSE TO GET HELP FOR YOURSELF SO YOU ARE GOING TO FIND SOME DUDE TO PULL INTO YOUR HELLISH LIFE SO THAT YOU WILL FEEL BETTER? WHAT ABOUT THEM? WHAT ABOUT ANYONE ELSE BUT YOURSELF? WHY IS THIS TURNING ANY OF YOU PEOPLE ON? I have never in my life witnessed someone had that such low regard not only for themself but for anyone else, yet, by pure virtue of the fact that you have a body and people have seen you getting fucked on video, you've managed to gather a following of people who will congratulate you on your shitty actions, provide help to you that you laugh at, and offer themselves to you when if you saw any of these people in the street, you'd laugh at them and write about them in your blog the next day to make yourself feel better.
SINCE YOU OBVIOUSLY WILL NOT TAKE ANYONE'S ADVICE HERE'S MY ADVICE TO THE PEOPLE COMMENTING: STOP OPENING YOURSELVES UP TO THIS LOSER! WHAT IN THE WORLD CAN ATTRACT YOU TO SOMEONE WHO'S ONLY CARES IN THE WORLD ARE GETTING FUCKED AND CALLING THEIR DEALER, WHINING ABOUT WHAT THEY DID ONLINE, THEN DOING IT ALL OVER AGAIN TO GET ATTENTION! THIS GUY DOESNT GIVE A FLYING FUCK ABOUT ANY OF YOU!!! ALL HE WANTS TO DO IS FIND SOMEONE ELSE HE CAN SCREW UP IN HIS LIFE SO THAT IN THE END HE FEELS BETTER ABOUT HIMSELF, DESPITE FUCKING UP THE OTHER PERSON.
STOP OFFERING YOUR HEARTS TO THIS FUCKED UP DUDE!!!!!!
d : You're right. Some guys (gay men especially) have this need to pretend some messed-up guys are really so "good at heart", etc., and be the whole rescuer thing. They choose the wrong people. There are so many others out there who really ARE genuinely good and need help because they're in positions where they really can't help themselves. They're just not (arguably) good-looking porn stars so the gay rescuers don't enjoy playing that drama game with them.
I hope your dealer doesn't read your blog, he might be pissed and shoot you in the leg
Somebody should put a bullet in that dealer.
Since you want to be with someone and obviously could choose from tons of guys, why not try some kind of ad. But force the applicants to submit tons of pics and all kinds of biographical info, employment history, etc. Wouldn't that be better than meeting people at these drug fests? With the hundreds of responses you get from an ad, you could pick someone that you find hot, plus has the interests you want, the personality you want, etc...
i think its funny how different and similar our lives are.
my hell. stuck in the army for 3 more years and 8 more months. going to war with people i hate that and worrying that maybe one of them might figure me out.
your hell...well i guess your the only one that truly knows.
i guess we both chose our poisons.. id throw some pity your way but i doubt ud want it and id probably need it more for myself.
but in the end what do you got? two lonely guys. im co dependent too i guess. got a bf stationed in korea but...hes in korea...
i think your humor is addicting so ill keep reading. oh and thanks, at least i got fleet week to get my rocks off when im lonely.
Who cares about what your haters say? This is the best fucking blog I've read in years. (And I've been blogging for seven years now.) There's too much pretentious shit out there. Your honesty would save you.
Hi James -
I'm not sure that it's right to say you shouldn't be congratulated for what you didn't do, in this case. In fact, for someone with your history to avoid using drugs is a good thing. So, good for you for avoiding it this time.
One question, though: Why would you want to fit it in a 'gay world' which you've shown such contempt for on many occasions? In order not to be alone? Doesn't that become a bit of a vicious circle, in that the 'gay world' will only allow you to meet those you already dislike? How will you find someone you could truly respect when only associating with those you seem to disrespect?
I found someone only when I stepped away from that world, which I also disliked. I'm not saying that you will necessarily have the exact same experience, but I would suggest that it might be something worth considering.
Stay strong, and be true to what you really desire. You will get there.
You wrote something in your last post like "Hey date me please, I will ruin your life!" and I couldn't help but laugh because that is exactly what you would do to someone in your current state.
You do make a very interesting point about being a twin and needing someone to be with but who do you want to be around?
Do you want a guy that has his shit more together than you? You would probably just drag that guy down, which could be your bag, but I hope not. Those are the kind of karma skidmarks that never come out.
Do you want a guy in the same frame of life as you? Someone who will go "yah, yah, yah" to getting some crystal or whatever whim crosses your minds. You would have someone to share the experience with, but you would have to share your drugs.
Do you want a guy who is in worse shape than you, so at least you are not as bad as that guy? This works only as long as you can keep this guy alive.
Get a kitten or something. People might be too ambitious for you right now. I am not suggesting you fuck the kitten or anything, or give it drugs. DO NOT GIVE THE KITTEN ANY DRUGS. Well you could blow pot smoke in its ear, that would not be so bad.
I think you should be up front and let prospective boyfriends know what they are in for. Show them the kitten's skull... but not til like date 3.
finding someone that suits you isn't easy here, what do you plan to do find this guy to fill your void? i wonder because i'm tryong to do the same, and it's not very easy.
The first mistake is thinking that anyone out there can "complete you." Cliche as at sounds, nobody will love you if you can't love yourself. Why don't you take a break from porn and drugs and get some therapy? And get out of the destructive Chelsea/NYC/Fire Island scene. It's a dead end.
Dude the only thing separating you from Patrick Bateman is a decapitated head in your freezer.
Hey bro,
Just wanted to let u know that watching a vid of u made me realise that i was ... well u know. i still can't type or say it.
Anyway, i saw that one of the comments on this thread was "you just don't have any morals, standards or real self appreciation. Frankly, your sex life is enough to put any future partner off". Don't listen to that guy. If everyone took to heart everything that everyone said about them, nobody would ever have the confidence to achieve anything in life!
don't know if u read these comments, but i sure hope u do.
you seem like a decent guy.
cheers, Adam (19, South Africa - and no, i don't wear a loincloth or ride a lion to school! lol)
YOU are one dumb cunt.
get off the shit and shit stops coming your way.
stop reading these sycophant's ball-sucking, ass-sucking, boot-licking emails.
smarten-the-fuck-up and stop doing the shit you're doing.
wow i feel so sorry for u you sound like an amazing person at heart and im sure you are i hope you find someone that is perfect for you and stopping the drugs is a great idea if you ever ever have a problem and need some advice my email is jjyoyo@gmail.com i know that it might be weird talking to someone youve never met but i love to help people and im very open
So I've been really bored, heres what I think. Id say go for it, get in a relation ship. i think if you were in a relation ship you'd have more control of yourself. You'd train all day come home make some food for not only yourself but for you bf, then when he gets home you bf enjoys the meal you prepared. Then you guys just chill watch some t.v. Talk about goals and future achievements Laugh at the Fucked up people on celebrity rehab, Man there fucked. Then you realize oh its 11 i think i wanna go to sleep early tonight. Crawl into bed and go to sleep. now look no drugs no cops no nothing, just simple easy life with a boyfriend, i think that could work for you James.
Oh and i completely understand why you wouldn't wanna see a shrink. I don't wanna pay some guy to listen to me and basically tell me I'm fucked. Why pay someone for knowledge i already have. and besides i rather not have some shrink in my head. Id rather deal with my problems on my own, you know like defeat my own problems with my own hands. Not get someone i pay to do it for me.
And i get why you'd take drugs, there so great for making you forget all your problems. which is good till you wake up in the morning with a hang over and shes screaming cause i got home at 3 in the morning WHICH BTW ISN'T FUCKING LATE!!! 5 IS FUCK! thats just me. Stupid parents.
Oh and would it kill you to be positive for once? look on the bright side?
Last words
>Adam riding a cheetah to school would be sick! Like lions are bad ass and all, but i just feel that they just wouldn't be as fast or dependable as a loyal cheetah. Man id love to Ride the Abercrombie moose to work and just leave it in the canoe room lol oh man would that piss off my boss, and id just laugh in her stupid Abercrombie face too... hahaha. Stupid Abercrombie.
JR (18, Toronto)
And the ass-kissing comments keep coming. Giving away your emails and names and location to a stranger--prostitute and drug addict? What is the gay community coming to??
"I can tell you are a great person at heart"..."you are a great guy"..."come talk to me and let me comfort you"--lol you guys are fucking hilarious. There is not one thing in this blog that has led you to believe any of this. You just cling to some hope that maybe Erik Rhodes will cry on your shoulder and fuck you afterwards. Get a grip on reality.
i'll believe it when i see it. i'd like to believe you'll change this time, but you can't change overnight. there has to be a change of actions not just a change of mind.
Like some other people I started reading your blog after randomly finding it...
I don't wanna sound like a broken record so I'll try and sound at least somewhat interesting/original. Even though everyone experiences things differently, I really do empathize and feel with ya with what you're going through. Me and depression go a long ways back so I know how hard it is to make those initial steps in any one direction, let alone a positive one.
Talking and hashing things out with another human being is one of the best ways to do so because it is incredibly hard to make big decisions when you are by yourself, so I would recommend that first. Like many other people that read your blog I always have an open ear for anyone and definitely have my fair share of experience to give if you want.
Take care of yourself dude.
-K
Message to Adam.
How can you knock the previous comments in my message about Erik being immoral and lacking any self respect. He clearly doesn't. How can you say someone who shits in another guys mouth, lets any guy suck his dick in the toilets of a club, gets banged by 9 black strangers for five grand and then goes home to sleep with his boyfriend. Tell me Adam, how this is not immoral? It's the worst case of immorality I have ever heard of. You're 19 buddy and need to get over the little crush you have on Erik.
I don't know Erik and never will, but I want to see him get out of this a better man. A leopard can change its spots. Maybe i'm being harsh with him and maybe he doesn't want me preaching about the things he's done that I consider wrong.
As 'd' said, there are too many guys on here who somehow hope the Erik is going to ask you for a date and suddenly fall in love with you...it aint gonna happen.
Erik needs to stop feeling sorry for himself and try different ways of finding someone special, because the way he's currently going about it is ruining his life.
I'm 41. I'm nobody important. I believe I've learned a few things, though you are free to disagree.
1- The only person that can supply self-love is (obviously) you. If you find none, go to a mirror and tell it to yourself. You may get the shock of your life when you discover it is actually true.
2- I'll never fit in. Neither will you. Because NOBODY EVER DOES.
3- Belonging and fitting in are not the same. Confusion about this abounds, a lot of it is VERY INTENTIONAL. People who claim innocence while fostering such confusion are best avoided like radioactive waste.
4- Drugs cut both ways. They will empower you to cut through the bullshit of the world, while cutting you to pieces. They can also do permanent neurological damage to some. Avoid discovering this firsthand.
5- Get evaluated for Depression, Bipolar Disorder, and ADHD at a top notch place. I learned a lot about those in the most painful ways. Played hide and seek for years. They can, and do, wear many masks. They also have a very nasty side-effect nobody will tell you about: the erosion of your sense of self. Meaning: if you wait for things to become intolerable to get help, you will discover there is very little of the person you thought you were left (and whatever is left you may not be able to trust). Beware of government sponsored places: their main concern will be to keep you shrunk to a suitable size, NOT your optimal functioning. That said, good help is available: all you need is lots of cash, unsparing self-honesty (NOT self-hate) good grapevine listening skills, and some luck. Amen.
6- New York City has an immense energy charge. Some thrive on this, others get burned, most do both. Find out which are you by getting out frequently. At least go to Central Park and sit under a tree ALONE. If you feel like talking, talk to the tree. Sounds stupid, but works wonders. If you live in NYC and you are not developing mental health problems, you are either superhuman or dead.
Sorry if I sound like a boring asshole. I just hope this helps. Keep in mind that you have become the object of many men's fantasies. Few will be able to see beyond that. Many will not want to see, while telling you exactly the opposite: that they want to get to know you. Bullshit.
For whatever it is worth, God bless you Erik.
Signed,
Edgar
that celeb rehab show would be perfect for u.
i hope you'll find real friends soon before you go to a full self-destruction mode (you are a good person despite all those hardships that you have experienced and a good person is a tragic thing to waste).
and by real friends, i mean those that stand by you when you are in need of warmth and comfort and listen to you & repeatedly smack you in the head when you start slipping away...
a lot of offers here for friendship and i hope you try some... relationships doesn't have to be all about living together, fucking each other, wearing identical "love" rings, professing undying love and then actually try dying when that love ends...
real friendship is really good and it doesn't even have to be about washboard abs, big dicks or strikingly good looks.
i hope the pain will go away soon.
be well.
I would like to suggest some things that might help you deal with the stresses of living in a big city. Some are expensive, some are cheap, some you may have already tried, others you may not know much about.
I'll just give you some ideas, most of them general. If you want to know more, you may ask. Post a response or use my email. I will look for specific info on whatever interests you. Bear in mind it might take a while for me to respond. Sometimes I only check my email once a week.
(BTW I'm not a creep and if you don't like my posts you can always block me and/or report me.)
1- Make your apartment as comfortable to you as possible. This includes, but is not limited to:
-comfy bed.
-comfy furniture.
-massaging recliner.
-a FLOTATION TANK.
-good color rendering light that is also adjustable."Special effects" light may also float your boat sometimes.
-a great Home Theater.
-light and acoustic isolation.
-ambient "noise" generators to avoid the "quiet as a tomb" feeling and to mask low-level undesirable noises.
-wall art and paint that adds "depth" to your space.
-Get a Feng Shui consultation. I thought this was hogwash but discovered it isn't.
-candles and incensce: there's a lot not to like out there, but the selection is so huge you're bound to find something that you do like.
I'll stop for now and continue some other time (dinner's ready).
Catch you later,
Edgar
Ok, I always feel like I'm giving unwelcome advice, so here's a little bit more. I tend to find that you can meet decent people on sports teams (gay ones, at least), yeah there are assholes, but at least you know they commit to something. Most of them don't require you to have experience. Try rugby, you get to knock the shit out of people. My former teammate (Ted) now plays for the Gotham Knights. He's at least one great guy, I know of for sure.
The other positive to that is you have at least 15 people to help fill your co-dependence.
Hey james, just wanted to recommend a blog that you may enjoy. Its written by one of your former co-stars "maxx diesel" who goes by the name "christian" in his straight porn movies.
He has a lot of fun things to say about straight porn and what his past porn life has contributed or detracted from his life in general. He updates regularly and has a lot of pictures and pretty good stories.
I wonder if you have any opinion on him from when you worked together? He seems pretty intelligent and well spoken so maybe it will be a good read for you when you are bored... hell it may occupy your time so you don't get bored and do the crack! LOL
whoops, typical blond moment, forgot to mention the website, www.christiansingstheblues.com
i feel you on the long car ride i prefer to drive other drivers freak me out to the point that i nominate myself as the designated driver cause i'd rather be sober at a shitty club than die drunk because my friends a shitty driver. anyways it sounds like you're having a break through which is great! kudos to you sir. hope you keep getting better
Im jealous
Going out to fire island, going to fun parties, doing drugs, having a steady dealer, doing porn for a living, living in manhatten. That shit is fun, like super-fun central.
Let me tell you what is depressing, living at your parents house to save money while sitting in an office in midtown 40 hours a week at a job you hate at the same time watching your early 20s fly by.
i would switch places with you in a hot second. i better get my ass in the gym more often because if doing porn entails partying like a rockstar all day errday then im down.
Wow, this blog is addictive! I had no idea who you are as I am not really a gossip hound an got over the whole porn stars are celebrities thing in the '90's. Although I enjoy porn, I have only seen your image before and I have never seen any of your videos. Things sound really tough. Ignore the judgemental comments as I am sure that not many get through the scene without some real damage. Trust me, I know and I understand. I will never understand the gay "fantasy" world on some level and I don't really want to anymore as I enjoy being an individual. You sound very unique! I learned the hard way that fitting in is a big mistake! The masses are usually wrong...
I read through the whole blog in a day. I was shocked when I came upon the entry about your 26th b-day. 26? Shit. You are just a baby! You look older (sorry - not to be catty at all -not an ageist) and you are too world weary. You are like Britney Spears in that fact that you got into something when you were still young and impressionable and had no idea what yuou were getting yourself into at the time. Then, all the stare and glare drove you nuts! It would drive me crazy too. You have to know youself and your limits. Sounds like you do kninda know what you are about , so you know that the hyper-real life won't work..FIND BALANCE and peace. I know--easier said then done. I get by as I really like being alone. I feel at peace. Eveeybody is different.
I have felt a lot of the rage and anger that you have felt and I understand all the I HATE FAGS shit and I know you don't really mean it. BUT the kids can be a bit too much for themselves and it is a little hard to take if you are a rel person. BUT I am hear to tell you that if you are comfortable with aging, your 30's will be AMAZING!!! Just get away from the scene as it is not going to change. In fact, it is kind of on its last legs.( it is not just you..) Get out while the getting is good or turn it around or make it work for you, not against you. If you can dry up and change your environment, things will turn around. You are just going through the normal and healthy disillusionment that most go through at your age( if they are smart). I haven't experienced quite as much as you, but the drugs and porn is just making that transistion harder. Your 30's can be AMAZING only if you allow the right changes to happen. I have a lot more to say to you, but I will hit you back again. I have a lot of questions. Your blog helped me put things in perspective for myself so I feel compelled to drop some knowledge if I can. And if this makes you feel any better...I am not lusting after you ( I work better with and find myself dran to shorter, softer guys)...you seem like you would make a great buddy as honest and realness go far with me. ( after you sober up as I am so adverse to circuit drama and meth scares the shit out of me)
BTW, WTF is up with all the ambien and pain killers? Have you ever heard of pot! It is natural and helps you sleep! That other shit is too hard! Wanna cheer up? Smoke some pot, do some yoga and watch Family Guy. Works for me! Anyway, good luck, thanks for the honesty and I will hit you back.
man dont listen to these comments. Everyone says how can someone like you do this to yourself. well hey some people haven't been successful ever and cant see how someone can have "eveything" and look as good as you do and still be unhappy. do what you gotta do to get through your day.
i take four 2mg xanax bars a day, plus i down a six pack before 12 and two sparks during the evening. i went to jail twice, but each time i got out i got a better job and when you have talent it don't matter because no matter what anyone tells you ONLY YOU know what you are missing, and you are only trying to cope or something i am not gonna pretend i know whats going on. but i kind of do. email me or myspace me back about the article. I want you to write something just as pretty and honest as you do on this blog.
I've lost jobs not because of shooting meth but because i didn't care about the job or myself. and its hard to start caring for yourself when you can just make it through the day the only way we know how to.
email me buddy, i think i can help by not helping and being a friend whos been there, done that, still doing it, and understands unhappiness when you "have it all".
you are pretty on the inside no matter what you do yourself.
uh, dude go here
East Side Institute
920 Broadway, 14th floor
New York, NY 10010 212 941-8906
its not NA, they arent shrinks, its not the booby hatch, and it aint a cult. but you will find help there.
Somebody mentioned Pot as a safer altenative to prescription meds. It is not. Three reasons: 1- Some dealers add poisonous preservatives so it doesn't catch mold, 2- The plants are often heavily sprayed with pesticides. 3- Pot smoke contains huge amounts of tar (emphysema, anyone).
I'm not saying pot cannot be safe. But you have to get it preservative and pesticide free. And you have to eat it. Eating "organically grown" pot works differently:
- You need more.
- Takes longer to get you high.
- Can take you a lot higher.
- lasts much longer by far.
If eating grass doesn't suit you, get a vaporizer. (I've heard one called the Volcano is tops.) There is also a portable one called Vapir (you may find it at basementshaman.com) Vaporizers gassify the active components of your favorite herb without burning it. They create little or no smoke.
Another alternative is the prescription drug Marinol. It is pure THC in Sesame oil. I took it once, and it gave me the most refreshing sleep IN THE HISTORY OF MY LIFE.
Psychopharmacologically yours,
Edgar
Priceless. Now are getting advice and even drug recipes from full-blown addicts.
why is it that i don't have the attention span to read a book, magazine or even a cereal box but somehow i can sit and read every word of your blog?
Just finished watching one of your latest dvds and googled your name to find out more about you...found your blog.
You're one of the most beautiful men physically I've ever seen, so I was surprised to find that you seem to have so much hurt inside.
I know that you've lived a much more exciting life than I have, as I'm originally from a very small town, but from your words I can see that doesn't necessarily guarantee happiness.
I feel that your blog is your own way of calling out for some help, because you know there are problems.
Please don't "slip away"...You've got so much more to do in this life, I really think that.
True friends who care about you and not your "stardom" are the ones you need to keep around you now.
I don't know why I felt such a strong need to write you this (I've never even blogged before at all), but I wish you the best, and if you need an ear...let me know!
Take good care!
You won't be happy until you're found dead in an abandoned warehouse with your pants around your ankles and a banana in your ass. No one will care. Porn and life will go on and forget you once the studio can't make any money off of your past projects.
Find help now!
Before your life turns to" would have, should have, could have".
wow. And I thought you were just hot; you are also a very thoughtful interesting guy. I would imagine your mind and your body often go down different routes; they seem incompatible in a way though they don't have to be. Is there something else you can do other than porn? You are definitely one of my favorite porn stars - love to see you in action (with the right top) but after reading your post I feel sorry for you - not that you are sorry - but you clearly don't want to be in the porn world. Do you have to be stuck there?
Porn star, drug addict and complete bore. You couldn't be more of a stereotype if you tired.
You don't even seem to know what an ass you sound like.
After reviewing the entire blog, I have a few observations which you (Erik/James) might find helpful.
1) At the end of the latest post, you claiming to be co-dependent and needing a boyfriend. Most people will interpret that as you want someone to try and save you. So don't be pissed when guys approach you with this saviour mentality. You asked for a guy to make you feel better. I know that's not what you want. But it's how it comes across.
2) What would you be doing if you weren't doing drugs and having anonymous sex? The world is full of options and choices. You've only tried 2. What about the rest??
I just realized something. I used your "nom de porn" when I said "God bless you". I might as well have called you "Zaphod Beeblebrox". I still mean it though.
Edgar
Christ, nutbag, get a grip. You don't need help, you need to stop the fuckin roids and stop the constant fucking. But, you won't. You've made your bed. Just another junkie whore who hates being a junkie whore. Oldest story in the junkie whore pornstar book. I was a drug addict. I'm attractive and not young. I know not to go to the circuit events. Temptation is everywhere, dolt. Hell, my friend, is a lot of CHOICES. The more choices we have the less happy we are. Limit your choices. Eliminate things. Eliminate drugs. Eliminate huge-cock-worship. Eliminate steroids. Find a fucking JOB. Stop being a whore, it doesn't suit you. Some guys love it. You do not. You are a softy, sweetheart romantic fool in a gigantic hot body that everyone wants to fuck, get fucked by, own, save, rehabilitate, steer, change, and you've totally bought into it and it's the OPPOSITE of who you are. So, get out or die. Or, rather kill. And, go to prison. Where you'll feel all sorry for youself and refuse, thank God, to find Jesus, but you think life sucks NOW, go to prison for murder. For aggravated assaulk=t. All roided out, man, all misreable, where is the love, for fucks sake. What a cliche. Grow up. Grow the fuck up. This isn;t tough love. I don't love you. I think you're a dick and I've known so many people like you and if you weren't a big sexy whore we'd be stepping over you in the street. Get a fucking life. Find out hat a life IS. You habe no idea. Love someone for who they are, not for their appropriateness for some elaborate salvation scenario that's not based on reality. get out of the scene. Leave the curcuit. Stop the drugs. Stop the roids. Stop defining yourself by qualities that you can't beat. Youth, hotness, body size, dick workability, how many dicks you can take. It's all downhill from here on that front. Try reading a fucking BOOK. Try spending a day with a smart man who loves books and loves art and words and skies and buildings and things that last. LEARN something. BE something. Be a MAN. man-the-fuck-UP. Stop your endless bitching. Honesty isn't enough. Now that you've been honest about how lost and angry you are, DO something about it. Now. NOW. NOW. NOW. -- Keith
NOW
NOW
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