I'm so sick and tired of censoring myself to please the readers of this blog, So fuck it I'm just not anymore.
My Gay Pride.
I really went out of my way this year.
I started the week off hanging out with a couple good friends at B-Bar on Tuesday night. I'm not normally they type of guy who hangs out during the week but my friend Derrek persuaded me. Well it wasn't that hard. It being Gay pride in NYC i knew that there would be tons of hot out of townees looking for a good time, well fuck it, i wanted to be that good time.
Anyways, of course i was taking G, my favorite current crutch and it seemed the more i got fucked up the more guys wanted to hook up with me. At one point when i felt like i was going to pass out, i went to rest on a wall outside. I chose a spot right next to a really hot guy, who just by chance felt like he was in the mood to suck a really fucked up guys dick. Well i was in no condition to say No. I stumbled into the bathroom with him and went to work on his face. He was the first of three guys to blow me in the bathroom that night. Until my friend showed up...
I call him "Cock Block Extraordinaire". As soon as he shows up and starts hanging around me is as soon as no one comes near me. I didn't realize this until this weekend. I'm not sure if it is his over the top personality or if people think we are going out but all i know is that i more than likely could have gotten 10 hot out of towners to blow me in the bathroom if he hadn't shown up. Well, you could imagine i chose not to call this friend to hang out with me the rest of the weekend.
Thursday night. I went to a friends party at Universal Gear. Universal Gear is this clothing store that is in the heart of Chelsea. Even though the store Carries the same Diesel and G-Star cloths as any of the major retailers i would never shop there because of the location. It makes the cloths seem to gay. Anyways, it was kinda lame but kinda fun at the same time. I hung out with good friends who got drunk in the middle of the store as i personally felt like a drug addict since i was drinking my now famous "G-tini" in the middle of a clothing store party, a fucking clothing store party!!! Pretty Pathetic.
After the party was over i spent the rest of the night waiting for a dealer to drop off some coke so that i had some more drugs for the rest of the long weekend. yeah yeah yeah, judge me all you want.
I guess the highlight of the night was running into my crush from LA that was here for pride. He always seems happy to see me, yet, i don't think he really gives a shit about me. I guess that's what i get for having a crush on a player.
Friday night. The Worst night of the weekend.
I started the night out by hanging at a friends house party. There i was extremely creeped out when one of the fucked up guests confessed to me that i broke his heart. He said that he and bumped into me on the street one day with my BF and from there became obsessed. He said that when he went home to where ever he lived that he told all his friends about me and that he was in love. He said that since he never saw me again that he was heart broken, but he was happy that i was at this party and that it must be fate. I find it incredible that someone who seemed pretty normal could make up such a sick obsession and fantasy world in there head. I made my friends keep him away from me the rest of the night. I did more g and forgot we even had the conversation, hopefully he doesnt kill himself.
My other highlight from that night before it all went downhill was my friend who was throwing the house party coming over to me and saying "I hate most of these fags from our gym, what are they doing in my home". To which i laugh pretty hard about and told him i hate most of them also. We both decided the only thing we could do was go to the bathroom and snort some more Jesus. I was calling it jesus since i think everytime i came out of the bathroom i would get a look from the guests " like what are you doing in there". I said told them "i'm sorry i took so long, i was reading the bible while i was taking shit" Me and Jesus were best friends that night. Well at least before he dissapeared.
From the house party we went to NYC's biggest tourist trap club called Splash. This is where the night goes wrong. I don't remember much except seeing my crush again who seemed completely uninterested in me and doing alot of G because if it.
Fast forward to waking up in the clubs office by one of the bouncers throwing a cup of cold water in my face. Apparently i passed out in one of the bathroom stales and was found by Falcon model TJ Hawke, who i threw up on before the bouncers dragged me into the office. The bouncers helped me outside and got me into a cab.
Fast Forward to waking up in my bed with my ex bf yelling at me that he was calling the cops if i didn't get out of bed and go to the hospital. I have no clue how he was in my apartment but he, my neighbor from my building, his girl friend along with one of my friends were all arguing about what to do with me. I was in shock with all of this going on around me. Next thing i know, there is 4 cops in my apartment questioning me. All i remember is them asking me "what is today's date" and i thought to myself... "Jesus, i don't know what the date is normally, what the fuck make you think I'm gonna know what day it is now" I responded "i have no clue." Then we had to wait for paramedics to get there to evaluate me.
When they got there they seemed annoyed i wasn't passed out on the floor, foaming at the mouth. I explained the situation and the guy didn't answer me and just left my apartment. I felt like screaming at him saying "motherfucker, I'm not the one wasting your time, i didn't want you here, i wish i was sleeping also".
It was a fucking circus.
All i could think is that if i died this night it would have been perfect. I had no clue what was going on. Who wants to stare a gun right in the face? Its much easier if you turn off the light and you dont see it coming. It would have felt like i was just going to sleep.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Part 2
Saturday
I woke up feeling like shit. It honestly all felt like a dream.
It took awhile for me to get myself moving again, but i was back at the gym later that day. Since it was gay pride and David Barton is like a gay night club during the day it was like my night never ended. With all the shameless tourists in town, I must have given my number out to at least 6 guys which is a personal all time high. I thought to myself, its amazing so many people want my numbers when i feel and think, i look like a G'ed out mess. I guess i do a better job playing it off than i think.
Later that night, i had to work the Manhunt party that was at HK Lounge. I was asked to do it last minute and basically had to stand around and sign autographs for people that i think felt bad for me more than actually caring about a getting a signed pic from me. Maybe they did? I still cant grasp the concept of collecting porn star autographs. I don't have any talent... i just fuck in front of a camera... whatever.
Anyways, i hung out with Steve Cruz and Falcon Model TJ Hawke. TJ who was with me the night before helped me recount some what happened. He told me i scared him. To which i replied "You are not the first Falcon model i have scared". I think Roman Heart still likes to go around telling people the story of where he thought i was going to kill him. Everyone gets one, and most of the time they are really fun to tell your friends when it over, you just have to survive them.
This night i tried to get back into my G state of mind but just like a bad night of drinking to much of a certain alcohol, the taste made me sick. So instead i turned my attention to coke. She took care of me. Ambien put me to sleep.
Sunday and Bump woke me up.
It was time for the parade. Thank god i wasn't in it this year. I just wanted to be able to walk away from it when i had enough of it. But believe it or not, i had so much fun. I think its better to watch then to have to be the one trying to please the viewers. Even though i was not in the mood to be Erik Rhodes today it was unavoidable. Just walking through the crowd i was asked to take endless pictures. Each one as much as i really wasn't in the mood to do, I put my signature half ass smile on and and tried to please everyone as much as it didn't please me. My friend even said to me, "i don't know how you do it, don't you ever just wanna scream leave me alone". And i do, but i figure, what if i was the fan and all i wanted was a picture, and the person says NO for whatever reason... your whole image of that person would change. I think i am way to over hated as is to turn down anyone, I'm not better than anyone, fuck I'm so happy that anyone wants my picture to begin with. Still G and a couple bumps got me threw it alittle easier.
From the parade a couple friends and i went to the pier Dance. This being my first time. I would have to admit that i was in awe of all the beautiful men. So i really let loose. I actually fucking danced. Well, not really, more like a 2 step/ muscle shuffle. I hung out with the hottest of the hot and made out with enough beautiful guys that a normal person would have had his fill for over a year. And when the night was coming to an end, i think god said, you deserve this and gave me one of the prettiest guys i have been with in a long time, with a gifuckingnourmous cock to match. It was like god and i made a deal... if i didn't die before the weekend was out i was going to be blessed with an incredible hot guy to end my weekend with. Well thank you fucking Jebus.
All in all it was a good time.
But yes.... here we go...
I do have a problem. I have a problem with drugs and i am addicted to sex. I need to slow down. I would never want to date a guy like me, a guy like i was over this weekend. Guys like me make me sick. Funny right?
I don't like myself and I'm not sure what its gonna take to change. I wanna say i wish i had someone in my life that could straighten me out, but what the fuck am i offering? "Hey date me please, I will ruin your life!". Something will wake me up... I'm sure...
I'm sure.
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
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87 comments:
well I've said it before and I'll say it again, it may not be pretty but your downward spiral continues to have that car wreck appeal (you want to not watch but you just cant help it)
Nice of your ex b.f. to want you to go to the hospital to make sure you are okay.
ah, the cries of help from someone who doesn't want any help. That is always a sticky situation isn't it?
wow, your life sounds like a movie, you 'd better fix that line "has nothing to do with his spare time", lol
I'm like alot of these guys, don't censor yourself. Erik the same guys who run you down when you keep your blog censored are the same one who will trash you now.
Your painfully honest like it or not your just you, and if the guys don't wanna read it or don't wanna hear it then why bother seeing what your up too.
I could preach about the things you do but nobody knows you except for youself and if your happy what your doing then keep on doing it.
I like hearing about your stories and what you do when your not on the job.
Shoulda' come to Baña fri. night instead..
I saw you on 8th Ave and 19th Street on Sunday about 4:30PM with a group of guys so I guess your weekend picked up. By the way you had no shirt on and was walking up on 8th Ave in what seemed like a rush.
Have you thought of going to rehab?
I agree about not censoring or editing. This blog is your blog...do with it what you want. As for the other stuff, well...G holes suck, that's for sure.
Oh...and I can't help but see a parallel between your crush on some no-name player from LaLaLand and the obsessed guy from who-knows-where. As for the player's hot/cold reaction when running into you, I dunno about you, but I try and stay "civil" with old tricks, even if I want nothing more to do with them.
So chew on this...I'm betting the player considers you to be basically nothing more to him than that other guy is to you. Creepy all the way around.
hi james, It bother me to read what you are putting yourself through, it bothers me more than you still are a drug addict and you are too deep into it to be able to stop; any occasion is good to fall back. But as you said at the beginning of this chapter it is your life, so live it the way you want; I hope I won't have to add to your site the same phrase I had to add to Kyle McKenna's one. "a site dedicated to the LATE erik Rhodes". anyway, I still like to wish you a better 4th of July, hoping you are not to fucked up to realize it is that date. have a peek at the site, if you care,
http://www.jq2002ca.com/Rhodes_00.html
a hug, Bruno
Erik,
Do you think some of your friends invent medical emergencies for attention, deeper involvement with you and the chance to stage a "Who Cares the Most About Erik" Drama Queen contest?
Do you and the medics think you overdosed and really needed medical help?
Did your friends overreact, or did they have just cause to call medics?
I picture an entourage of suck-ups who all want you to be dependent on them, give them attention and compete to be "the Star of Erik Rhodes' Life."
I dont think you should censor yourself. I do think you might need rehab.
This is beyond sad man. Nice way to villify the people who apparently cared enough about you enough to be concerned. Seriously, you should consider professional help for your depression and substance abuse. Bragging about your extreme promiscuity (having several blowjobs in a night and wanting more) snorting coke, and doing "G" is sickening to say the least. It shows a person who is extremely unhappy with himself in the midst of a very short downward spiral.
You drank so much and did so many drugs that you threw up on someone and got thrown out by bouncers. You probably blacked out. Then you complain about others who are showing some concern for your well-being like THEY made this all happen.
Before you start having "crushes" on guys, maybe you should develop a crush on yourself and seek some professional help. Especially if you are doing drugs because of your problems with rejection. There is a fine line between being outspoken and crying for help.
Try to take care of yourself man.
For some reason I think you're addicted to all the drama in your life. and drugs (steroids). it seems like you kinda like things fucked up.
also your ego is too big to ask for help (rehab).
Blech. What a silly weekend.
It's first time I've been reading this blog and I must say it's been a while since I was so deeply moved by what I read. I'm really surprised by some of the comments... People seem to read and don't get a shit out of it. Who on Earth gives them the right to judge or "analyze" your life???
Ernest
haha that was a good story, at least u didnt wake up in the hospital, its so annoying ripping out the I.V's and shit and trying to sneak out, plus u get a bill in the mail. lookng foward to part 2
baby you have GOT to get off this merry go round and start to BREATHE. You are too strong and have too much to be PROUD of to carry on like this. Cut this shit baby cause you will NEVER come home to a caring, loving person that want & deserve and you will NEVER have a BF who REALLY cares because it is OBVIOUS that YOU DO NOT CARE ...ABOUT YOU! Why should they? Do you want a beautiful, alcoholic, drug addicted, sex addicted, fucked up boy friend you never know what will happen to???? OF course you do not. Lets get a hold of this shit and get this fuckin train on the tracks. You are not a baby and you have too many assets and advantages to just blow it up your nose. EVERYONE OF US LOVES TO PARTY..IT"S THE GROWN UPS THAT KNOW WHEN TO LEAVE THE PARTY.
You must OWN your power because you have it and it is fleeting. I will help you, I'm sure many would. Call me, I'll sit with you, talk on the phone, email, ANYTHING. You must CONQUER these demons and take charge-YOUR THE MAN DUDE!
This was one of your best entries ever! A lot of fags will criticize you for being so honest. Let's face it, most queers are into drugs and anonymous sex more than we like to admit. I like how you let it all hang out. The goal of our lifestyle is pretty much to stuff as much hot cock down our throats as possible. More power to you for living unabashedly and proud. There's nothing like some good G to accentuate hot boy sex. Don't listen to the fags who will try to make you feel guilty. You just know they have their own dirty little secrets. We're all pigs, but only some of us admit it.
cw's comment is pathetic
did you get my e-mail?
ernest
hey, fuck-stick, get off the shit and life will be a lot better and you'll stop this pathetic-non-stop-pity-party... goddamn you are so fucking lame.
isn't it clear to you by now that the shit in your life starts with the shit you put in your body?
the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
you are a gifted writer with the ability to cut thru the bullshit that gay life can offer and proffer as reality...;that's what i come back to this blg for:those moments of clarity.
trust me... i know what i'm talking about.
i'm a former go-go slut and manager of the biggest fag bar in the world.
get your shit together.
you have all the requisite skills to be successful except the ability to turn away.
sorry, you have me on a rant....
you remind me of something that thomas edison said when they asked him about failure.
pardon me the temporary license to analyze you, BUT it occurs to me that you haven't pursued your "dream" of working in the music industy because you're afraid of failing.
edison, (he's the guy that invented the light-bulb) when asked about his thousands of failures as an inventor said, (and i'm paraphrasing here) that his failures led to his success: without failures he never would have invented anything!
to put it more succintly i'll quote my mother:"the only people who don't make mistakes are the people who aren't doing anything."
words to live by.
go make a lot of mistakes.
So many words...Why bother censoring yourself? It's not like the FCC is gonna break down your door and wail on you with night sticks. Though I wouldn't put it past them.
As for the Jesus, I guess drugs are fun and all, but when people start randomly showing up in your place, you might want to take it slow.
Your weekend and Gay Pride - an oxymoron. After several months of reading, I realize that you don't want help or advice, just a place to brag, perhaps. I guess that since Danny was at the apartment, this will start the whole 'Oh, he really loves me' routine all over again. Geesh.
I'm not going to moralize, advise, condemn, condone or lecture you James, people are repeating the same stuff month after month, to no avail. I don't know why perfect strangers, like me, care. I guess it's just human nature...
You make me sad. I'm not perfect and don't profess to be but, I am sincere and you're not. So continue the drugs, sex and tough guy life and continue to elicit and provoke us. It is your life to fuck up as much as you want.
I really think that most of the readers don't have a slightest idea what it means to have real problems in life...
True, Elysium. They should work with some of the 20-something year-old guys back from Iraq with missing limbs and burned-up faces.
ahahah yes, Splash is such a tourist trap!! You should go for their "independence day:hook-up"...
shameless, love it.
I really don't care about all the hotness that you were getting over the weekend, that's kind of boring actually (you're hot we get it, thus is should be no surprise that hot people will want you regardless of how shallow,messed up or whatever else problem is occurring. As long as you are hot that's whats important to most if not all)
BUT WHAT I THINK IS GREAT IS THAT YOU USED GI-FUCKING-NORMOUS in a sentence. I've heard ginormous and always thought gifuckingnormous would be a great word mutch like snatchtastic but I thought i'd be the only one to use it LOL, love reading it in a sentence.
NOW THAT WAS THE IMPORTANT PART OF THE BLOG LOL.
Hope you were careful and didn't let that gifuckingnormous cock shoot inside you like a big cum dumpster.
whoops sorry for the typos, I hate proof reading my chit
i'm glad you stopped censoring yourself to please others that's bullshit your just being honest and doing it is just frustrating and feels like you're holding your breath after you've already ran out of air. aside from that i'm just glad nothing TOO serious happened to you but that you are realizing you need to change things more so now than ever. i know it's lame to give advice to someone who didn't ask for it let alone someone you don't know but i have to say from experience if you want something to change it will as long as it's for you and not for someone else let alone someone doing it for you. Hope things get better for you. cheers
you should read Healing Through Time by Brian Weiss, it might give you new insight and perhaps even help about your addiction
through time into healing before someone corrects me
I read part two, unfortunately it is just the continuation of part one, so there is nothing else to say I have already said.
And you seem not to care about what anybody but the drugs say to you.I wish you well and hope you will not become another statistic on a coroner's OD or aids victims inquiry.
I still care for you, in spite of it all. A big hug, Bruno
It's sad reading this blog. You just seem so miserable and dead on the inside. Low Self-Esteem is a bitch.
Get treatment for your sex and drug addiction! It's a disease and the chances of death are high. If you had cancer would you let it go untreated and ignore it? It's the same thing, they're both diseases and can be fatal.
I belive that anythigng happen for a reazon, and this is the fist time I read your blog and let me tell you that u touch soul today.
I dont do drugs so I dont know what to tell you, I have friends to do drugs and It will be break my heart if sone of my friends die fro o.d.
for any reazon I feel like u think u are alone, but let me tell u are not. I dont even know you but if u need someone to talk about anything u can talk to me, this is my email mpinetta73@aol.com
also u said u have no talent, I dont think so, everybody have a talent. maybe this is something good myabe now u need try to find your talent or talents.
u probably are thinking oh please this is another fagget, and thats ok, I dont care what u think about me, Im opening my heart to you, if u need a friend I will be here.
honestly
massimo
James....I've got to stop reading your blog. You're the kind of disgusting gay body fascist that I can't stand....plus you're a drug addict. What a waste.
James, you should stop reading comments as some of them are fucking disgusting!
Ernest
Dude, you totally rock whenever you guest-host on Sirius Radio. You better correct the misconception that "Cock Block Extraordinaire" is "Derrek" (sic) Hartley - otherwise I fear the queen won't have you back anytime soon. Your honesty is so rare in gay men, that we need to hear more of your rants, not less.
You and Amy Winehouse both, babe. It will probably take something tragic, but I don't wish anything bad happening to you or someone close to you. But I fear.
Hey James / Erik
Although you overdo things at times, it looks to me that through all the drama, you really enjoy all the drugs and sex and why not? I would if I were you. Why can't you just enjoy it and not feel bad about it, although I can see some of your friends are long-suffering if they keep having to call the paramedics! And being called 'Cock Block Extraordinaire', ouch, I hope that friend has a good sense of humour! You just need to be a bit more careful with the G, though I doubt you will listen to me.
It's our Gay Pride in London this weekend but it looks like it will be a washout again, wish I had organised going to Madrid instead, which was brilliant last year, apparently.
S x
PS When I was in New York, I went to Splash, I suppose it's first on the gay tourist trail.
PPS The Hustlaball here in London was amazing although I was disgusted by the avarice of those organisers in offering you such a low fee and wanting you to share a room. Do you know they were trying to sell VIP tickets for about the same price as the fee they offered you?
Dear Erik,
I am not sure how much of those comments you are reading and how many will never be red again beside by the ones actually leaving them.
I have not red all of your blog but wanted to mention something to you.
I have noticed you always put yourself down and don't get what people are so fascinated bout you etc.
I would like to say to that, simply enjoy it and see it as a compliment. So many guys enjoy seeing you and will come up and ask for a pic or autograph out of respect and admiration.
Maybe this is a little to big of an example , but for them you are like a Brad Pitt or Sylvester Stallone. ( I know you are saying obviously not the same and not the same statusetc...) But ! they too and many
others before them had issues and demons and things they were not proud off and have had obstacles and difficulties they had to overcome. I cannot say I am happy to hear about your strugles but we all have issues we need to work on some have bigger ones some are smaller granted yours are bigger but none the less everything is possible.
I am sure with the right people and attitude this should be no problem at what stage you should be in. And the way it seems who ever was there with you and wanted or reached out to help tried and has not given up on you. This is worth a lot trust me if you have the right people around you who are willing to help and who are there fro you the sky is the limit , everything is possible. You have to believe in yourself and not give up and stay focused and strong, I have faith you can do that.
Like you I struggled with different demons and had to overcome the m by himself and with no good support net of friends around him. But I never gave up and even in my darkest moment , I tired to focus on something positive something that would keep me on the right track and after quiet some time it worked and today I am a different person, It took hard work but I did it and so can you.
I have faith in that , good luck and just remember it is never bad to ask for help.
Good Luck
(forgive me my bad spelling throughout)
I don't think you can change. Neither can I. I am exactly your age and I believe that passed a certain age, we're too old to change; our personalities are pretty much fixed. The problem is that you don't assume your sluty/easy/dumb side... just assume it and shit the guilt. You're an easy bathroom hoe... so what? Fine. It seems tho that you are a hoe/act like a hoe and then, after 10 cumshots, set into this nostalgic/romantic mood we all know. You do that 10 times, 100 times, 10000 times and you still don't get it.
What will slow you down you ask? Old age, repetition, boredom, loneliness, AIDS perhaps and maybe a sense of being purely and entirely lonely at a certain age.... will all slow u... but then it will be too late to start meeting quality people as you will be the nasty old man sitting all evening at the bar and dreaming or paying for ass while the hot young guys suck themselves in the bathroom... as JJ wisely says: Beauty fades but dumb is forever.
Love ya...
P.S.: What are you so proud of during "pride week" again?
please don't stop this blog, I like getting wrapped in the novel that is the daily life of "Erik Rhodes." Yes, you have problems and I'm sure if any of us were relatively famous in our careers and wrote about them in a blog people would call us losers and say what we need to do to fix them and blah blah blah. But guess what we're not, so this is mostly a distraction from the monotony created by the dullness of our 9 to 5s. At least it is for me. So many commenters have talked about gay pride so I guess ill give my 2 cents as well. I thought it was comical! As a 21 year old gay man I thought that it was pure comedy and epitomized everything that the straight world finds scary about the gay community: transgenders, drag queens, hot men kissing other hot men. I loved it in all its comedic glory. I'm glad you had fun and don't stop the blog, I see it as a good way to vent.. Hell we all want attention whether good or bad, this seems like an easy way of going about it.
cJames,
Being honest is the best way to be, you not censoring yourself is the best thing for you. I am a firm believer in doing what you want to do as long as you are honest about it and willing the suffer the consequnces (sp?)
Sorry for you feeling of being lost, i find that being in a transition stage myself, being lost comes hand and hand with change like being out of a relationship. Hope you find whatever you are looking for
Stanton: No Derrek is not "CBE", he is actually a great person to hang out with and i hope we can actually become really close friends. Plus it seems like he has alot of really hot friends... thats a good time to me.
e.: thats what i mentioned when saying that as much as i didnt like taking pics all day during gay pride that i wouldnt turn anyone down. i know how i would feel if my favorite star turned me down for something so simple. Its the least i could do.
Private Jet: I never said i was proud. I was just trying to fit in.
James,
Is there a chance to get any of your remixes??? you've got a great taste for music!
Ernest
No one in their right mind would want to help someone as pathetic as you out. Honestly are you out of your mind, clearly the person dating you isn't dating you for your wonderful conversations, and deep meanings of life outside of superficial things. You obviously don't care to change if you did you would. You obviously have a strong personality and opinions but you are only so judgmental of others because you hate yourself. Reading your blog only does one thing for me, make me feel a whole lot better about my life, so thank you for that. You only live for sex and drugs because that is all you are, take away all your addictions and you are nothing but a pathetic person. Your gym, sex, drug addiction as completely taken over you and there is no separation between the two. You have no balance, you do no good, you have nothing to offer. I think it is ridiculous that you would say you have no one to help you pull out of your downward spiral, you are the only one who can do that. No one worth while would want to surround themselves by you accept for those infatuated by your good looks. And you really are not even that hot. I will admit i have read this bull shit a couple times and laughed to myself, but I saw you at pride doing your thing and just laughed to myself as you checked me out. Bluck you are a disgusting person. And while im on a roll, you have been living your pathetic life so long and aren't happy, why don't you do something to change. You judge so harshly but you are in the PORN industry i mean gross, what an immoral life, regardless of your religious spiritual standing every human innately knows right from wrong, and those living wrong IMORAL lives cannot be happy. BEST
Real Time?: Checked you out? Don't flater yourself. You must have mistaken my dizzeeness for self absorbed comment.
If you would like me to laugh in your face you can email me your pics to muscle23ny@aol.com. I'll make sure i let you know how i really feel. If your over 5'10 and aren't a muscle twink just figure i didnt even look your way. loser.
Oh and save your spritual/god mumbo-jumbo for someone else who gives a fuck.
pride is meant to be crazy here in nyc, and you already live a crazy life it seems, so of course it was an extreme weekend for you. don't let guilt bring you down, atleast you didn't have a tina orgy, i'd hope. it's ok to take one step back, as long as you can take two steps forward.
there's so many people on here that are negative towards you, it's strange, these people go online trying to find outlets to condescend and degrade people. it seems sad on their part...
plenty of people are attracted to tormented souls. but then again, those people are pretty fucked up themselves. and by people, i mean me. and by pretty, i mean extremely.
James -
I wouldn't have 'celebrated' Pride the way you did, but I'm not you. You're a grown man, and if you decide to get messed up on whatever, then that's your business, as long as you accept that there could be risks or consequences involved.
I wish there was something I could say to take the pain away, but I doubt I have the right words. I still believe, though, that underneath some of the behaviors, there is a very intelligent person in you, someone with a lot to offer.
Although I may not think much of some of what you did during the week, I'm glad you're not censoring yourself. It would defeat the purpose of the blog if you did.
I don't know if it makes any difference to you, but I believe you can get beyond this place you're at in life right now. But, you have to really want to do that. The choice is yours. It won't be easy, and there will be consequences. But, there can be a lot of happiness and satisfaction, as well, if you want to take the chance.
Have a good one.
I'd rather argue there is a slight but meaningful difference between being non-judgmental, supportive on the one side and affirming clearly problematic actions. There should be no confusement between the two approaches.
Nothing like watching a trainwreck in progress. Sounds like you need an intervention. You're the male version of Amy Winehouse. You need rehab. I don't know why you have a self-destructive personality. I'm sorry that you do. But if you enjoying fucking things up, well then that's what you like to do. We can't stop you. Only you can. You are what you hate. You must have some major cognitive dissonance going on there due to that. That could be why you need the drugs so bad.
cody916 : I'm not criticizing you, but....DON'T bareback next time. You never know who's clean and who's not. Living with HIV is a bitch.
James,
I think it's time to go back to SCA (Sexual Compulsives Anonymous) meetings. It may help you with your addiction to sex and troubles with drugs.
Sorry, I shouldn't have said those things. I was being sarcastic because Erik's experiences are getting so insane. I just wish he had some true friends around him who would confront him on this crap. That's the only thing that's going to get through. The fake friends who are partying and enabling him are worthless scum just using him like a play toy.
This blog is like Britney showing her snatch. The first time you see it, it grabs your attention. The second and third time less so. By the fiftieth time you just want to plug that hole with the heel of your shoe.
cody916 : How the hell is Erik/James going to wind up with any "real" friends? Can someone like him be a real friend to anyone in return? Correct me if I'm wrong, but has there ever been anything on this blog to indicate he gives a fuck about any living creature other than himself?
A "real friend" can simply be an acquaintance who knows him and cares the least bit whether he lives or dies - in other words a human being with a conscience. Such a person would confront Erik on his situation instead of encouraging like the guy in the video. Erik doesn't need to do anything to deserve that kind of respect - it's basic human decency.
To all the learned advisors...
A member of my close family almost died because of depression, another close friend of mine had a major alcohol/drug problem that amost took him away from this world.
I have no idea if James is anywhere close to those kind of issues (it's impossible to say from the blog)... but believe me guys... when you are faced with those kind of problems affecting those you love... you can't really do much about it on your own...
Sometimes it gets even worse - you are almost ready to give up - as there's no reasonable communication, no cooperation of any kind, hardly any progress... And of course you could forget about getting anything "in return" for standing up and fighting with them, sometimes almost against them. You simply go insane as you often end up your day completely powerless just to wake up the next day worried if you can handle today's surprises. Imagine yourself observing someone you love that literally fades away right in front of your very eyes and you know you have no strength to carry on. Some other times you realize that you also qualify for a professional therapy...
So please, please leave all those miracle advise for yourselves as most of you clearly have no clue how bad those scenarios can get...not only for those immediately affected, but for friends and family as well.
There's a good news - one can reach the furthest depths of hell and still come back. I know that for a fact as I went to the hell and back twice already.
And I know I'm ready to go there just as many times as it will be necessary. Those trips can be one-way only if you take them on your own.
Hmmm... from my vantage point, it reads like you had a great time.
cody916 : I understand what you're saying. You basically have the right philosophy .
Everyone makes mistakes, people are not perfect...lol...we are supposed to make mistakes because how else would we know what is the wrong thing to do. I understand though wanting to find someone to make you feel safe. He's out there you just have to go through all the wrong ones to get to the right one.
"So please, please leave all those miracle advise for yourselves as most of you clearly have no clue how bad those scenarios can get...not only for those immediately affected, but for friends and family as well."
1. Why do interventions often save an addict's life?
2. Why would someone like you just stand by and let a friend commit suicide? If they started to take a whole bottle of pills, I guess you would just say "go ahead" and walk out of the room.
HELLO? YOU'RE ALL MISSING THE POINT!!! HE SAID "GIFUCKINGNORMOUS" IN A SENTENCE LOL. THAT IS A FANTASTIC WORD AND HE IS A ROLE MODEL TO TONS OF GAY LINGUISTS WHO LIKE TO PLAY AROUND WITH SLANG.
JAMES ROCKS!!
I think it's pretty clear that you want to live no matter what...just know that you know that. Making that conscious choice...life without attaching conditions is what's important.
Forget about "only if". Only if I get off drugs...only if can curb my libido...
Just know you made the choice to live and the rest should follow.
The fact that you've got the courage to be as honest as you are, write as coherently as you do, give a shit about not hurting any of your fans...and that you're strong enough to overcome the effects of the night before, the next day, is a major accomplishment in and of itself.
We all have our obstacles and weaknesses...it's just that most of us do not have the courage to face them, let alone admit them. You are ahead of the game already.
Dear Cody916!!!
If you don't understand a portion of a text, read it twice... if that doesn't help... read again and again...before you get the message please refrain from commenting as it doesn't make you look smart.
I have no idea how on earth did you come up with those questions. Clearly you didn't get what I was trying to say. So I'll make it easier for you and try to explain:
1. Intervention is always needed, but stupid intervention can be just as harmful as no intervention at all.
BTW - how many of successful interventions have you had in your life???
2. As for the other questions... Really don't understand how you came up with them... What makes you say I would allow my friend to simply take a bottle of drugs???
The complicated issue is - how to talk them out of it. Imagine this ... a man standing on the verge of a skyscraper or a guy pointing a gun at his head. Both of them absolutely ready to end their lives??? What do you say to them??? Simply: "Don't jump?" or "Don't shoot?" I guarantee they're dead by the time you end the sentence ...
It's all more complicated...
P.S.
Even a decision what movie to see in a theatre is hard to make as you don't know what emotions the movie would bring up.
Dear Erik,
First off, I love your blog!! So don't ever stop.
Secondly, your material is getting stale.
Drugs? Been there. Anonymous sex? Done that.
Come on bra! Pick it up. How about some blackmail? I'm sure you know some dirty secrets about other dumb porn stars? Maybe you can set fire to Danny's and this can help bring you two back together? How about a murder? Maybe an obsessive fan finally gets what's coming to him?
It's just that the drugged out sex you have has already reached it's peak. I mean, there's no where but down to go after you've been gang-banged raw by groups of horse hung men while completely under the influence. (You are totally the Jennifer Connely of NYC.) So, by featuring a larger variety of stories, you can milk this blog for all it's worth.
Maybe you can have Amy Winehouse guest star for a very special episode. Actually, save that for the Christmas special.
Also, write a nasty letter to whomever featured you in such unflattering light in that "Tim & Roma" video.
I mean I love this site but you're totally ripping off material from Joey Stefano, except he didn't get fucked as much.
Love ya toots!
I will tell you what I told my late partner. Either you stop doing this or it will kill you. He didn't listen, and now he's dead. I doubt you'll listen either.
Well, it's always nice to hear what a person really thinks.
Also, it's great to hear that you have consideration for others when people want their picture taken with you and for keeping that positive focus on your fans (how Joan Crawford).
PS-I was just thinking about how you said you tried an group meeting once......no offense to any one they've helped,....but tney fucking drive me nuts. I actually ended up reading into something called Rational Recovery. The whole basis is shut the fuck about your problems, it's up to you to fix it, here's how.....Seriously. They have a website, try googling it or something. That is, WHEN you're ready to fix it.
Elysium, I did not realize the English was a second language for you. I was not being sarcastic as there are some low-cost and even free ESL coursed in most cities. You are to be commended for at least attempting to learn the language.
To supply Erik with drugs and unsafe sex as you suggest is not considered "helping" him in our culture. I do not mean to be disrespectful to those areas in the world that may have different practices and beliefs.
It is just that in the USA, it is common to find users and enablers. If you are of this type, more power to you. I was only expressing the point of view of an American - where we pretty much look down on such slime. Erik deserves better than fawning queens such as yourself who want nothing more than to feed off any droplets of cum or anal drippings left after his encounters. Unless you are a fairly short muscle-twink, your worshipping is pointless.
Dear Cody916,
I shouldn't address your comment But then again, I can't help myself... It's really not important whether English is my second, third or fourth language...as probably it's the only language you know... and clearly not well enough as after receving my plain explaination in the previous post, you still couldn't get it. The rest of your brilliant comment does not deserve any response.
why do you sound so mean? i'd be afraid to even look at you.
Erik you have serious problems. Who would every want to be with you after everything you've done, you don't even respect yourself. I've always enjoyed reading your blog, but I feel like I am gradually watching someone kill themself. It's obvious that your life is not destined to have any real happiness because you clearly have nothing positive in your life. Somewhere in your life you've took the wrong turn and it's such a shame. I don't even feel sorry for you because we all have the ability to change our lives for the better. Seriously Erik get yourself into a Clinic.
real time @ 4:13 a.m. has invested WAAAY too much time in Erik for someone that truly dislikes him.
Erik is obviously worth an unhealthy obsession to you!
BTW what kind of loser are you to be posting at 4:13 a.m., anyway?
I figure "real time" is a meth-addicted tweaker whom Erik snubbed on the street, so he came here to rant after a long night of failing to lure other tweakers over to his house for a forgettable lay.
Sucks to be you!
Hey dude, that's kind of a bizarre criticism. Erik posted right after that at 7:05am. Do you honestly think he did that after a restful 8-hr sleep?
Dear Erik,
Thanks for that little comment. I sure hear you and am sure that for you after a while it get really just a "pain". I guess I saw it from my side. But I see what you mean. I wanted to ask you a question if I may. You mentioned in a few posts that it is hard for you to be with people and you are not always sure why they are around you and what their motifs are. How about making some new friends, with people who are nothing like those around you right now. I mean beside people you work with just people you know from before , your youth or something.
Also I don't know how you choose your friends. Telling you to talk to somebody from the blog or staying in touch is probably not really going to happen but how about trying ?
worst come worse you drop the person/s and that;s it. Again just a suggestion that could be helpful. Meeting or getting to know people who are not at all related to anything or anybody you know or do might help. Sometimes it is about the small people and what they bring to the table or discussion.
Good luck and remember not give up. As long as you keep on trying and not giving up and work on yourself and distance yourself from negative people and influences .
good luck
E.
I saw your pic and saw a hot man. I read some of your blogs and was sad to see a guy that doesn't really seem to like himself.
You were lucky to be born with great looks, you have obviously worked hard to build a great body, so why throw it all away taking so many drugs?.... especially G.
I sincerely hope you don't go much further down that same path. You have too much going for you and much more to live for. Seems you are just looking for love like the rest of us. But you might try loving yourself a bit first. I know I don't know you at all, but trust me on this... if you behave like a monkey, you'll only attract monkey's. Have a little bit of self respect and you'll be amazed at the great people you'll attract...
Get your shit in a pile, boy.
You complain about how crap your life is yet you do nothing to change it. Youre just lazy.
You, deep down, know exactly what you must do to get your life back in order, yet you dont do it because the money and the cock is easy.
A friend sent me a link to your site (as I like strong guys) but he doesnt speak english, so had no way of knowing how angered I am by you. A nice (I assume) guy who flushes his life down the toilet and waits for a saviour which will never come. And believe me, HE WILL NEVER COME. We all learnt a long time ago that the prince in shining armour and riding a white stallion is a dream. You need to wake up and smell the coffee, baby.
Only you can affect change in your life. This is not rocket science.
Maybe you have no friends. maybe you have no lover. maybe no one gives a fuck about you. You still have you. And 'you' is all you need.
And look at all of us bitching at you to take better care of yourself. You can see our email addresses- its your blog after all- contact any one of the people here if you need someone to yell at you to get it together. I have no idea who you are as I dont watch much porn (I prefer to live it, not pretend it) but I have many friends in the business here in Europe. I helped many of them deal with the same shit you are going through and so I know what you are dealing with, but damn it baby, work it out.
Life is far too fabulous to give up on.
There is someone out there for everyone buddy. You'll be ok and someone will like you for who you are and will deal with whatever comes with you =)
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