So i stole this idea from this months Details magazine. The Article was called "Are you that guy" So i choose to make the gay version. Here is the first 30 that popped in my head. Please feel free to add your own...
"You know him. You roll your eyes at him everyday. But if your guilty of any of the following behavioral blunders, chances other fags are rolling their eyes at you..."
1. You have a lower back tatoo (aka tramp stamp)
2. You schdule your weekend around what DJ is spinning at what club
3. You are a Drag Queen and a strict top
4. You start wearing wifebeaters to the gym the second you start using steroids
5. You use a special comb to brush your eyebrows
6. You still drink apple martinis
7. You are extremely hot with a hideous boyfriend
8. You have douche hose in your shower, that never comes down
9. You use the term "Bro"
10. You use the term "Fierce"
11. You are a stict top with insufficient equipment
12. You have only female friends that you drag everywhere you go
13. You wear Jeans, short shorts or fetish gear at the gym.
14. You try to convince everyone your Manhunt account is to hopefully find a long term relationship
15. You look like powder and only date black men
16. You wear color contacts
17. You dye your hair blond when you are in your 40's
18. You refer to yourself as masculine and set off everyones Gaydar
19. You call people "papi"
20. You are Republican
21. You choose to go see "Mama Mia" over seeing "The Dark Knight"
22. You cover the walls of your partment with pictures of the male form
23. You have "muscle", "hung", or your penis size somewhere in your screenname
24. You are a stict bottom that has never douched and say "don't worry, i'm always clean"
25. You didn't realize your BF was a porn star or escort until after you broke up with them
26. You shop at Ambercrobie and Fitch in your 40's
27. You are a cheerleader
28. You dress in 80's fashion and consider yourself fashion forward
29. You use the gym to prepare for your "So You Think You Can Dance" and "American Idol" auditions.
30. You are a porn star that writes a blog to express your feelings
Monday, July 28, 2008
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31. You think tattoos are a form of self-expression.
you fall in love with your straight fuck buddys and know it is the most stupidest mistake ever.
32. You pierce both ears and wear big princess diamonds in your 40s.
33. You cut your hair really short and do blond highlights in your 40s.
There's my 2, I'm in my early 40s and live in a city of 25,000 in NC!
34. You've been on 4 dates with your new "friend"...you're nowhere to be seen and/or heard from. That is, until he gives you syph, u break up in a tragic scene, and suddenly..you remember all your friends phone numbers!
Erik, I just about did a spit take on that one. That was the laugh I needed to bring a brighter note to a shitty day. Take care of yourself. JD
you still wear caps sideways, backwards or in any way other than straight forward and you are older than 22 in order to "keep it gully".
you have your pubic hair so perfectly trimmed that "home and garden" magazine wants to do a four page insert solely about your "man"scaping in their next issue
you take your shirt off to party hard to the latest dance song and then you realize... you're in the subway listening to your ipod a little too intently.
you fuck an ugly guy when you're drunk and the next day when you realize what you did you just shrug and mark it in your mind as "charity for the less fortunate in the gay community"
-you have "tina" as the heading for 5 different phone numbers that are saved in your cellphone and not one of them dials anyone actually named Tina
-you went horseback riding with friends and the instructor mentions you could go "bareback" on the horse if you wanted to and your response is, "Oh god that horse is too big and besides, there are too many people around, they'll judge me."
when you walk to a store and they have a "fire" sale sign in the window, you automatically think that its a sale of items people buy in preparation for a weekend on fire island
this was actually funnier than i thought it'd be. good to see you're doing fine. here's my contribution.
you have 'boy' or 'boi' in your cruising screenname but are in your mid 40s
LOL
31. When you talk to the rest of the world you awkwardly drop your voice two octaves (you're fooling no one); when you talk to your "girlfriends" you become the big nelly queen you really are...or...who the fuck are you anyway? Do you have a modicum of a clue? Sadly, you are the mess we all suspected.
32. You relentlessly chase heterosexual "dudes" and try to act like you are one of them in order to molest them after you get them drunk...or high on meth.
FUCKED UP!
31. You haven't showered in six weeks, plus you farted.
32. Ripping a wig off a tranny and stomping it out makes you histerically laugh even when you're running from a group of eight of them clawing for blood with their press-on nails
33. You get disease tested every six months because you can't remember how many guys you've slept with.
34. "Axe wounds", "fur burgers", "camel toes", "scissormetimbers", and "hairy clams" are phrases repeatedly used during normal converstation.
Fucking hilarious!
YOU THINK THAT YOU ARE THE CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE....
THAT IS SO COOL!!!
1. Asks any or all of the following questions when meeting new people:
What do you do?
Where do you live?
Where do you workout?
What do you drive?
How big is it?
Can I touch it?
Just for a second?
Are you sure you are straight?
3. Have a dog that you can fit in your ass.
4. Wear scarves
5. Talk about your fitness / beauty regime
6. Use the word regime in conversation
7. Offers fashion, beauty or interior desing advice to straight people even though you not work in those industries
8. Refer to yourself as Water Lily.
9. Bottom primarily because you are lazy.
10. Are a glitter pig
That was fun!
Your summer plans (vacation or weekends) consist of Ptown, Ptown or Ptown.
You always make sure to bookend your weekends with Teadance at the Boatslip.
What I love about your blog is how you aren't afraid of telling it like it is. Most of us know how kinky and bizarre the gay lifestyle is, but we're afraid of acknowledging that. Far too many of us use meth, bareback, and live totally selfish lives. Eric has every right to challenge that mentality. What is it about gay men like ourselves that make us so degenerate and freaky? Yet we whine and cry when normal all-American straight guys find us nauseating and want to bash us. Thanks for the wake-up call Eric.
iabe - that was fucking hilarious, "have a dog they can fit up their ass" hahaha
cw - Erik is not challenging shit, he fucking lives that lifestyle! This is not a "wake-up-call"...LOL
Who brushes their eyebrows?!
you make sure to be at every social event on 8th ave and the likes, and the whole time claim to hate the scene...
You sound so sad. Maybe sad isn't the right word; angry. Yes, angry. And why do you have to fit in? Who said you have to? Just be who you are and anyone who doesn't like you for who you are can fuck off. It's their problem, not yours.
Reading your blog, you just sound so sad and lost, and that makes me sad, too.
It's official: I'm the worst fag ever. Does this mean I have to go back to pussy? Sweet Zombie Jesus, I do not do pussy.
You've seen every episode of The Golden Girls more than a dozen times and still laugh like they're brand new.
Shit...I was doing so well until #26...I am in my 50s (early 50s) and I have to admit I bought some shorts at A&F (that's it...no t-shirts or anything else). I still have an ass and they look pretty good!
Mark : If your ass and legs look good and you bought A&F shorts, no problem! They're a different story than all those "worn-out" T-shirts and polo shirts. That type of gimmicky clothing would be silly on a man in his 50's, but not nice-fitting, more classic, clothes if you have a good body. Like : A man of any age looks good in classic Levis if he has a good butt and legs, but no matter how good his body is- he'd look silly in "iced" jeans.
How about- Number whatever : You moved to NYC from some small town or suburb and now have to keep reassuring yourself and everyone else that you're so much smarter and cooler than the people you left behind.
This is fucking hilarious!
Keep going guys - there's so much more you can add!
brian your posts are the best - guilty for the pubic hair :)))
and also giving style advice for the straights! LOL
The rest of you pussies - stop fucking moaning about how sad you feel for Erik. Get a life!
Maybe that would be my addition:
#300 aprox.:
You post on someone's blog emotion filled messages like you knew them personally!
#301 aprox.:
You are over 40, get HIV tested every 2 months, but have not had sexual contact since your dad told you that he was only taking your temperature!
OMG!
rodiv_ro@yahoo.com
Erik is in all of our lives. We love to hear what he is up to, where he has been, who he has been in, who has been in him (sometimes lots of men).
What do you enjoy most about the blog Erik? Anything more you would like from us?
And - I love the "have a dog that could fit into your ass" Perfect.
You fall in love with your favorite escort and are convinced he's in love with you too.
I love Erik's blog...it was a long period of time between this blog and the last.
oh ivey leaguer... like you really need to ask if he's on roids. WELL DUH!!! you are naive to think that he is not also I have seen james' cock and unless he is as fat as I am aint no way his stomach sticks out more than that 8 1/2 incher LOL
also big thanks to rodiv_ro for giving my jokes some love. I thought they were pretty damned funny and when I was getting no love I said "faggots all jealous of my comedic talent"
oh that could be another one
number 278 - you are so full of yourself that you think everyone else in the world are a bunch of "haters" cause they don't acknowledge what you think is amazing about yourself LOL
This reminds me of a cute best-of-craigslist posting (http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lax/167799119.html)
I hope you're not alone tonight. The raw exposed loneliness of your blog is pretty intense. Whatever you feel you're going through, I hope you have some strong people to help you through it.
I feel almost obligated to write. You and I are the same age. You've had a rough year and so have I. You tempt fate often, in the hopes that you'll somehow be changed in the aftermath. I do the same.
Your world doesn't have to be so small. I'm a lonely person who works, works out, and reads. I think there's a lot of wisdom to be found about loneliness, love, loss, and freedom to be found out there.
Find and read "Dry", "The Lady of the Camelias", and "Letters to a Young Poet".
Not the easiest reads, but worth it. Worthwhile steps towards using the pain of loneliness for a greater purpose: teaching yourself how to begin to love.
And I don't mean that just because you have a lot of sex, you don't know love. That's not what I mean at all. What I mean is that few people ever really take the time to feel their loneliness, write about it, refuse to numb themselves to it, and use it to change the way they see the world. I don't know how else I could have survived other than using my loneliness to appreciate how precious certain moments of beauty are to me. I want to know that I'm capable of loving in an open, courageous, and giving way, and not just loving one individual, but everyone I meet.
I keep a picture of myself with me at all times. I'm three years old and laughing. I know I'm not worth enough now to keep from getting fucked up and fucking strangers, but in some beautiful way, I can see him, full of hope and promise and joy, and tell him that he's worth it. And I don't have to use, or drink, or go out and smile at strangers. I don't have to listen to the sad ramblings of self-absorbed, small-minded petty wealthy men. I don't have to hide the shame of having my name by wearing clothes with the names of better people written on them. I don't have to feel less than anyone else because I struggle financially. And I can finally get to the business of building a real life for myself.
You gotta admit, sometimes the stereotypes of our lifestyle choice hit on some brutal truth. We can only laugh at how crazy gay life is sometimes. If you're not too PC, you might get a hoot out of this cartoon: http://www.resist.com/CARTOON%20GALLERY/FAGGOTS/fags_image21.jpg
You've said the words:
Oh my-Gaaaad, that's soooo cuuute in the fag pitch voice.
Ivyleaguer: Your right, i prob did look like a bloated mess walking home from Boston Market. A big boy need a big meal after the gym. And to be honest i can give a fuck less if my stomach was sticking out because of it. I still caught your eyes didnt I? Big fat bloated mess and all.
---------------------------
31. You shit talk guys that everyone knows you are secretly obcessed with
32. You wear more make-up then most drag queens.
(As for number 5. I watch a guy do it every single day at the gym, Its incredible. At first i thought maybe my personal grooming skills were not up to gay standards. In all honesty they are prob not. But lets be serious, brushing your eyebrows is just stupid. Your not a fucking yetti dude, just stop it!)
33. You still wear that "Trust me, I'm a Doctor" T-shirt.
34. You change your name to a more chic' gay name like Tyler or Skylar.
35. You use abbreviations to talking in real life like ttyl, omg or lol.
36. You wear multi-colored nikes
37. You high-jack someones blog to showcase your own comedic persona. (just kidding brian, you really made me laugh)
##. So gay you fart skittles
When life gives you lemons, you paint that shit lavender!
You just spent half your month's rent on the latest sunglasses from Dior, Prada, Gucci, etc and will loose them in one of the following ways:
-While puking at one of the post Pride block parties.
-Leaving them at that hot trick's place that you met at the block party (hopefully you got an altoid from your hag you are about to ditch).
-They fall off when you trip walking back from the bar on the ferry home from Ptown.
And also:
-You used the term "Extraordinary Nut Sack" in a completely literal sense.
-You say they're called flood pants, but deep down, we all know they're capris.
-You go to church just so you can laugh hysterically at the priest during his sermon.
-Your puke is always disturbingly white and sticky.
-You've burst into flames for no apparent reason at least once a week.
It amazes me that these people who are telling you how terrible you are and how worthless you are, are here taking the time to read your blog...and then scan all the comments after theirs and the comment again.
If he's such a waste of time, why are you here?
Erik Rhodes/James you big galoot (I do think that word "galoot" needs to make a comeback so I will start it)
I cannot help it if my comedic talent shines through all clouds and hijacked your bloggity blog tee hee. (if that sentence alone did not inspire a new "are you that gay guy" joke I dont know what will)
I'm glad I made you laugh, I remember back at Fantasy you always did crack a smile at my obnoxious sense of humor, glad to see even in down times I can crack you up you gloom and doom bastard!
I hate to say it but I just think your life would be better if you started watching the golden girls LOL! I wonder what that show would be like on "tina"?
#347 you think that "the Golden Girls" can make a crappy day a little bit better for yourself and anyone else, even super macho/ghetto/tough guy gay pornstars who have said how much they hate "the golden girls".
#348 When you go to a funeral for a buddy (gym buddy/fuck buddy/some guy you wanted to have as a fuck buddy but never got around to it... whatever) who died from liver failure or drug overdose or the hiv (is there any other way to drop dead if you're gay?) The first thing you think is "wow, he really cut back on going to the gym before he died!"
okay one more and I swear I will stop the hijack (wow I feel like a member of the taliban)
#2897 - you actually know why the nickname for crystal meth is "tina"
really, why the hell is the nick name tina? I don't get it. Can some super homo please explain this? Erik Rhodes I'm looking at youuuuuuuu (said in sing song faggy voice) LOL
#1111111
Another one:
Your eyebrows are so plucked out that you have to draw them back on and when a straight acquaintance asks you if you're gay, you deny, deny, deny!
#1111112
You buy Sharpies for no other purpose than to draw your eyebrows back on!
#1111113
You religiously believe that wearing underwear as outerwear is cool!
#1111114
You're a member of a church that prays to a female god and the religious service or communion features a certain brand of wine from a specific year!
I can't stop! James ("Erik") get this shite published, mate! lol
Jeez, I missed 'em all, even after living 10 years in LA. What'm I? Straight??! Maybe not, I DO have tattoos of hardcore gay sex scenes on my body. I guess I'm just not "that gay guy". These were funny tho. I work with a straight kid that says "bro" all the time.
The hunky imigrant towel boy that has been getting pumped in the ass FREQUENTLY by the hunky DILF that arrives at the club in the black Bentley earlier that his wife does in her Range with the adorable toe-headed twin girls in matching Lily Pulitzer. And you wonder why he socializes with them and breeds you when its convenient...
You tweeze your eyebrows, have your nails done at a salon, shave your balls, or have the hair from your back lasered off, and you call yourself butch or are ashamed to associate with femme/nelly guys.
Wow, I'm glad to say that I am not of these points. And hell yeah to watching The Dark Knight over Mamma Mia.
For me, the times I've seen the movie:
Dark Knight, 4
Mamma Mia, 0
wow..
REALLY?
you're just like those guys at the gym, you're staring at erik rhodes/your image
wheres your real person, no name, you.
and also..
ever think steroids are disrupting your mood? read it in the paper at my work.. just sayin
www.riotriotriot.com for new YELLE on Friday aug 1st, The Wombats (Aus.) live from glastonbury 08 too
BMWRacer - that gave me a chubby.
Brian, Jeremy and Rodiv_ro...you guys are hysterical! I have been laughing my ass off reading your comments!
Oh and J.C...happy to accomodate!
I confess. I did choose Mamma Mia over Dark Knight but it's honestly not my fault ... as my girlfriend was leaving for Mexico the following day and we went to the movie with her mum....
#35 You're sixty and your screen name includes the "boy" or any variant spelling.
#36 You make sure everyone knows what gym you belong to but haven't touched a weight or cardiovascular machine in years.
#37 You refer to yourself as a "jock," but don't play or participate in any sport.
#38 You have a special drawer for jock straps but have never worn it for it's intended purposes.
#39 You have a profile on bigmuscle.com but don't work out (or have any noticeable muscle, for that matter).
#40 You speak through your nose and think nobody knows you're gay.
#41 You spell hot as "hawt" and God as "gawd"
#42 Your most often used phrase is "OMG"
#43 You've lost most of your hair and have recently decided to bleach and spike it.
#44 You own a BMW and live in a trailer.
#45 Conversations become boring when the conversation is about something other than you.
#46 You're the ugliest guy in any given place and you're the first to say "There are NO cute guys here."
#47 You weight 400 pounds and talk about how someone who gained ten pounds "got fat."
#48 You're hop from boyfriend to boyfriend with no downtime and wonder why it never works out.
#49 You want an open relationship and complain about how your boyfriend cheats.
#50 Your gym visits consist of crusing and no actual workout.
Shit....I'll be at this all day....
1001. you bitch and moan about how nasty backroom bars are but are more than happy to get your knees dirty in a public toilet in your £2000 suit.
(if you read this Michael its always all about you isn't it!)
okay seriously I would like to know if anyone knows why "tina" is called tina?
one of you drug addled , muscle mary , faggity fagolicious faggots should know.
whoops, i just realized I could find out on wikipedia... what the hell did we do without the internet back in the early 90's?
unfortunately wikipedia doesn't have the reason it's called tina BUT hope on over to urban dictionary and you find out that tina is slang for meth because it's usually sold in the amount of 1/16 which probably became sixteenth then sixteena then teena and finally Tina
One (a few) more & I'm done 4ever. Well, I mean today!
##: You watch & get off to OZ (prison show) and wish you had the balls to comit a crime so you could get gangbanged in jail.
- You plan on making artsy shapes of your pubes.
- You get a French pedicure.
- You believe in the saying: "Stay loose with prune juice!" and you do.
- You believe that the window to a gay man's soul is through his shaved asshole.
- You've been fucked up the ass so many times that if you sat on a barstool you would slide right down on it. (visual)
I need to start concentrating my creative energy on something else, but until I find that something, I'll be here :P
ah, thank you so much geeklove for the tina explanation... I was very dissappointed in wikipedia for its lackluster explanation of tina. But Darn it, I know how to kick the addiction if I ever need to!
Thanks wikipedia
also geeklove, (and this is how truly gay I am) I was figuring that "tina" came from crystal meth
and the "chris" part of crystal could be used as christina or "tina" the very much abused daughter of joan crawford made famous in the camp classic "mommie dearest"
joan abused her daughter tina
and the gays still abuse "tina" to this day... damn that bitch can't get a break LOL
but yours makes more sense, figures the only thing that gays want shorter are words so they dont have to hurt their mouths talking... they use that for more important things, things that they would never want shorter tee hee
# You're still getting the International Male Catalog
# You go to the gym and use the twat master machines - [private note: see told you I was going to post this one]
# You know the name of the twat master machines
I'm only one, but I don't know if it counts. I'm number 22, the thing about your apartment being filled with images of the male form. Does it count if it's you're own work and it's in your office?
38. You conversation starter whenever you walk into a strangers apartment is "omg is that from West Elm?"
39. Everytime you go out you choose to call your friends who didnt come with you just to say "omg the most perfect guy is here for you"
40. Your dvd collection consist mainly "sex in the city", "beverly hill 90210", "melrose place", "buffy the vampire slayer" and of course "queer as folk"
Oh -- you had to bring Buffy into this... somebody hold my earrings I 'm about to get salty!!!!
- Every time you eat a donut, you stick your tongue in the center to lick out the last bit of glaze.
- You like silent films.
- You have tried at some point to shove a cucumber or a beer bottle up your ass, but never wondered what would happen if it would break.
- You have willingly tried to get your homosexuality cured at a specialized clinic and when you came out (the Lord knows how!) you knocked a bitch up and now you are a lime nylon muscle-shirt wearing skinny father of triplets called Dorothy, Shaquanda and Mauricio.
- You think salmonella is a venerial disease.
- Every Christmas Eve you pray that a bright star would appear over San Francisco and that the Saviour would be a poo-pushing friend of Dorothy who would lead it's people to the promised land. (which varies based on which magazine you are reading)
You eat a block of Swiss cheese every day just to keep that bitchy, eyebrow-scrunched, constipated look on your face.
I can't stop! It's my tina!
31. You pretend to be THAT affluent and cultured gay man---so knowing and above it all--- when the only thing you're really fluent in is projecting your insecurity out to the world in the form of bitchy-ness, negativity, and judgement.
James, if you are reading this, I hope you will accept my apology for that ugly comment I wrote.
# ? : Sometimes you get on an activist high horse and insist there's no difference in outward appearances between gay men and straight men at ALL! The rest of the time you're saying some guy is such an OBVIOUS queen.
erik, number 40, don't forget wonder woman, dynasty and all of the madonna concerts.
on second thought,
number so and so - you regard madonna as your idol who has guided you through the obstacles of being different and daring to be so
You're a porn star who blogs.
ROTFL
You dress in leather, but every time you open your mouth, a bolt of chiffon flies out!
# You check your abs every 5 minutes to make sure they are still there.
YOUR LIST
You got me on 12,15,40
1. I don't have a tattoo.
2. I don't go to clubs.
3. Not a drag queen,bottom.
4. I don't go to the gym.
5. Brushing eyebrows?!?!!!!?
6. I don't drink alcohol.
7. Not hot, no boyfriends.
8. I don' have a house.
9. No Bro term for me.
10.No Fierce Term For Me
11. Not a top again.
12. Have female friends but they don' drag me out.
13. I don't go to the gym.
14. I don't have a Manhunt account.
15. I do look slightly like powder but don't date black men.
16. No contacts for me.
17. Not in 40's,yet.
18. I am not masculine but I am not fucking Clay Feminine Aiken
19. I don' call people papi
20. Liberal, slightly liberterian
21. I don't like Mama Mia but I also don't like The Dark Knight
22. I have no pictures of male form in my apartment.
23. I only have weird european names on my screennames.
24. I'm a virgin so I never had butt sex.
25. I never had a boyfriend.
26. Not in 40's.
27. Not a cheerleader.
28. I definitely don't dress in 80s and I am definitely fashion forward.
29. I don't go to gym, I sweat at home.
30. Not a porrn star, and I Don't have a blog.
31. I don't shit talk anyone even you.
32. No make up for me.
33. I don't have that kind of T-shirt.
34. I already have gay name(or maybe just weird) I don't need another one.
35. What is ttyl?
36. Don't wear nikes.
37. Never did that. But I could start with your blog.Finally there would be something funny.
38. I don' go to strangers apartments. How many casual sex can you possibly have Erik? Really I would like a number.
39. Never did that.
40. I only have buffy and sex and the city
MY LIST
1. You like Kathy Griffin comedy and stand up.
2. You also think that Kathy Griffin is the hottest thing. Ever.
3. You are attracted to Erik Rhodes/James N./Elliot Spitzer or what the fuck you real name is.
4. You think that Rosie O'Donell is funny too.
5. You also like Margaret Cho comedy too.
6. You secretly listen to pop music but on your own blog you write that you like only hard rock music
7. You watch Tyra Banks show and the only thing what pops on your mind is : Is she wearing a wig?
8. You watch Oprah.
9. You like Cher's song Gypsies,Tramps and Thieves
10. You know the names of celebrities babies.
11. You can't stop showing your body.
12. You wear shirts like the one you have on the first page of your blog.
13. You appear to be all man's man but then on the inside you just crave for love(I'm alluding this one towards you)
14. You drown your own sorrow in a form of
writing a comment on a blog.
15. You listen to Sade By Your Side
16. You actually care for feelings for a complete stranger who is a depressed pornstar
17. You look in a mirror every day to see how your ass is doing (like it's a person)
18. You log into gossip sites and trash celebs.
19. You are a priest.
20. You are a congressman.
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