I just got back from Boston today...
I swear i feel like a saint. I dont know if i'm doing it for my ex boyfriends approval but i have gone out of my way to not hook up with anyone. Granted i spent most of my weekend in a paranoid cloud, floating around Boston with all the painkiller i was taking but the painkiller are not the issue between us. Its me being a "whore" as he frequently calls me.
As soon as i get home, I'm lonely. I need comfort from someone and i look towards him. When i get home from these events he looks at me as if i'm just getting home from an orgy. I try to explain to him that i haven't done anything, that honestly i havent been in the mood and even if i was, i persoanlly want more than just another meaningless hook up. But he doesnt want to hear it, he is already to far gone in hating me that he can't go back. He tries sometimes, but it only last a few hours and then i transform back into the enemy. Its so weird, but i can almost watch the change in his eyes, i can see it and i still dont run. Its just me being stupid again, i wait around until i'm asked, or screamed at to leave. Its like clockwork. Anyways i find us arguing about issues we had in the first month of our relationship when i had a slip- up using meth. Yeah i know it hurt him, but at what point do you try to see past it? He can't. He can't see past the little things and see the whole picture. He can't see a future, when all these thing wont matter anymore. When its back to just me and him.
I'm losing the drive to put in the man-hours needed to fix this broken machine. My hands are greesy and bleeding and i'm tired, i'm doing overtime now and i wanna give up and not look back.
No more looking for comfort. No more looking for his approval. No more caring at all. I don't wish death on him but, i wish for a life free from him.
Which lead me to my next thought. I am considering discontinuing this blog. Its has let to many people invade my life. Yes, i have come across some great people and have gotten some great advice and whatnot, but it has also attracted freaks. People that read this and think that they are going to save me, or they think that i'm perfect for them. Calling my cell phone, asking me on dates thru myspace. Yes its all flattering but if anyone reads this close enough, they would know that is far from what i want. I dont want someone to come into my life with the intensions of saving me, i rather have someone coming in my life and save me without him even knowing it.
Nothing is set in stone yet, but its making me lose the drive to keep writing. I'm tired of giving the freaks ammunition for them to think they acually know me. Like this past weekend, this kid comes up to me and say he knows me and we have a connection. I figured i had met him somewhere in the past. Anyway as i watch the kid go from normal to crazy i start asking questions and basically, he says he know me since he reads my blog and that he relates to me. All i could think is that crazy people relate to me. Lets be honest, i dont need anymore crazy people in my life.
I been kinda depressed lately and i blame myself. I been using painkillers as my current crutch. I was doing so good to but all these appearances and shit... i need something to make myself feel normal, something to help me feel okay with all the attention. To be honest it really hasnt been working cuz i take to much and make my normal time go from feeling ok to straight up paranoid, then from paranoid to me throwing up all over my nice hotel room at the Marriot. To needing an ambien to make me pass out.
Then when i wake up in the morning, feeling like death in a room that looks like britney spears was hanging out with me and i have no one to get comfort from. Its just lonely me sitting in my own personal hell. And when i think it cant get much worse that asshole who just found my blog and is now infactuated with me, calls me looking for a date, I fight with him and his pure stupidity for not seeing how asking me on a date after reading my blog is exactly what i'm not looking to get out of writing my thoughts, he doesnt get it... these are the days i couldnt hate life much more then i do right now.
Shit worth listeing to...
54 comments:
dude!!! please dont stop writing your bloggg, I Love you write , is just so close to life. is the other side of you that no one know. its what makes it so great to read your blogg. please dont stop. please dont stop writing, use it as an exit to your daily life.
you should stop writing this blog. Surround yourself with people you want to be like and don't give this blog another thought. peace man.
hi James, it pains me to read this entry in your blog, but the thing that reallyDo not understand is the obsession you have with your ex and the fact that you still value his opinion that much. It is toxic to you to be with him, you are a whore if you live your life without letting him rule it, but I am sure he sleeps with whoever he wants without even thinking you exist.
You say that your blog attracts freaks and that is true, but also people that really care about you.
It is also true that we do not REALLY know you, most of us have never met you or looked into your eyes. We just know you three ways, physically from your films in which we see you perform adult sexual acts and also try to play the role the script give you; from your TV shows and the behind the scenes of your films extras, in which we are able to see a more natural Erik Rhodes as you interact with your partners.There I sometimes think I can guess your real characterand personality. You look to me as a young kid, good natured and shy trying sometimes to act up in burst of outrageous behavior to hide that.
And then there is James Elliot H. that we know only from what you allow us to know through what you write in your blog.
Once you said that nobody listen to you, that nobody seems to care what you say, and now you say that you do not want us to try to save you and pretend to know you.
Well, James, I find that the one who REALLY does not listen and does not even try to, is you.
So if you want to stop writing the blog, it is your prerogative but you should instead read the comments you receive and try to contact some of us, on a more private base (email, messenger) to see if among the hundred who write you here, there are somethat reallycare for you.
when you feel lonely an anonymous listener is better than an ex who just put you in hell.
remember, james, a real friend is like a black pearl, difficult to find and priceless to hold.
Well, I wrote my piece, If you have read till this point, I wish you a better time, tell you to try to avoid drugs, even painkillers, and give you a big hug,
Chin up, kiddo. Bruno
Dude, that's what you should do is stop writing this blog and go on with life because as long as you write this blog you'll have freaks like that guy all over you and that's something you don't want in your life right now. And you know something, I love how you write your a great writer in my mind. This might sound funny or stupid but maybe you should become an author or something like that. I love the third paragraph were you talk about tired of the putting in "the man-hours". You express yourself so beautifully and the diction you use is great. Well that's what i believe. Stop writing this blog and start writing books lol. And if he doesn't see the "whole picture" maybe it's time for you to forget about him because aparently the only one trying to fix this broken relationship is you. Just move on and don't shoot yourself please there is always a way out.
Ciao,
Erik Rodriguez
If you were to quit writing your blog, unfortunately, it’s not going to change the fact this world is full of stupid, crazy people. Anyone who thinks they know you by reading your blog has it all wrong. I think it’s hard for everyone to totally articulate what they are thinking and feeling, let alone putting on paper (or in a blog). How can anyone actually know someone else or what is in their heart by the words they write?
Please keep writing. And by the way, thank you for allowing me the opportunity to have some insight in to someone who is just as human as I am.
Keep writing! A psychologist would tell you it's therapeutic to write or speak out your feelings. You'd still benefit from professional help, but in the mean time don't stop doing something that's healthy. Simply do NOT post your writings for an unqualified public or friends to read, judge and comment.
been reading your blog for quite a bit.
i find it interesting to read what you've written and the people's response in the comments section almost more fascinating. those that support, those that object, those that criticize or condemn.
i've resisted saying much, if anything.
As someone studying clinical psych. i've found it all quite interesting. If you feel like no longer writing, i'd have to say that would make sense. I would hope however that be it though a social worker, psychologist, psychiatrist or whomever you would at least take all your thoughts, concerns, fears and desire to plan a new path for the future to someone who is trained to deal with people's brains. Talking to friends is one thing, changing yourself is another. It's not always / ever an easy process and you might not even like the 1st, 2nd or 3rd person you're referred to meet. But i'm sure you can find someone who will tolerate the bad stuff, understand the negatives and drugs and at least attempt to help you guide yourself to wherever it is you end up wanting to go to next.
good luck
It would be a pity if you stopped writing. I would think that being in porn would generate enough freak attacks on it's own. If you're no longer getting anything from it, stop. Simple as that. I think you enjoy the interaction and it would be a shame to let those bad apples spoil the bushel.
Danny, well you know what I think about that. I would have been out long ago; perhaps you have a masochistic side to you that you're unaware of. Who knows, but again, if you're not getting anything out of it, why bother?
If the negative outweighs the positive, then there's your answer. Hope you do keep writing as I enjoy it.
It has been nice chatting with you J.
mmmmm ambien my fav.
...don't do it
James, I was the person who reminded you of the definition of insanity. If this blog is contributing to that feeling then you should dispense with it.
All of the solutions lie within you. As many of us say, it is never easy. You are fighting a battle that many never win. I dont know what it feels like to be recognized in so many places by so many people for behavior you no longer care to partake in.
You are in a tough situation. You will be known in NYC, LA, or any major city. You cant run away from it. You have to change your behavior (which you are trying to do), and not let ANYTHING interfere with your ultimate goal. In time it will be better, and if you get involved (career) in something you are interested in, regardless of how "fabulous" it may or may not be" you will gradually develop a new sense of self esteem and pride.
It would be disappointing not to hear how you are doing but your survival is far more important than pleasing those who read your blog.
Be Strong, Shaw
James, you don't need saving and it's great to hear you coming to realize that about yourself. As much as I enjoy reading your blog and coming to know just a little bit about you, you're definitely right -- there are other ways you can get the guidance you are looking for and the outlet you want. At the same time, as long as you look at yourself as crazy, you're going to draw people to you who you perceive as crazy. It's just how things work. Regardless of what you decide to do with the blog, I hope you don't give up doing the things you need to do to help you create the life you deserve.
On the subject of your ex, to me it seems pretty clear that you've outgrown that relationship. It was a reflection of how you viewed yourself when it started, but you're coming to accept that you're much more than you thought you were. That's a reason to celebrate because the next relationship that comes your way should be a more enjoyable experience.
You're on the right track, James. Even if there are moments where you think you're back where you started, you're definitely getting better at this. It's ok to want to feel better and ok that you're doing that in whatever way works for you right now. It's just a matter of continuing to find more and easier ways that help you find your way back to the feeling of connection you're seeking. As you get a better handle on that, you'll find that you'll have less and less need for drugs or toxic relationships because you have (and have always had) what you need to be truly happy.
Whether you choose to continue to write this blog, it's been a tremendous pleasure to watch you start to come into your own. The best is definitely yet to come.
So, I do read your blog, kind of often. I don't remember when I started reading it, or how I started reading it or how I even found out who you are. I've never bought one of your porns. But i'm definatley guilty of googling the pictures. :) Anyway, I do always enjoy reading your blogs. But I always look at the people who comment and think, ew. How pathetic of them to take the time to write these long ass comments on your life, when maybe your just looking for a way to vent. Anyways, i'm not going to be one of those, I just wanted to tell you that I do enjoy reading your blog. I'm not sure why, it's just interesting to learn about other people's lives and their journey and their struggles, and how they eventually overcome them in time. If it were up to me I would ask you not to stop blogging! Anyways, I hope you have a better day.
Dude, the best thing about your blog is it's honesty and openness.
It makes a great script and I enjoy reading your online soap opera.
Perhaps you could write your thoughts as an alias or better still, take your experiences and pen them into a fictional novel.
aw. i hope you dont quit. you've got a great blog here. and i dont think the crazies are going away any time soon. so please keep it up!
Please don't stop writing your blog. The things that you write about have helped me so much as like some of your crazy ass stalkers i can relate to what you are going through. As for your ex, i think that the only one who seems to be trying to fix the relationship is you, and after escaping from him the first time you have to seriously consider whether or not it is worth it, i mean, the guy called the cops on you as some sort of twisted revenge. Withjout wanting to sound like im lecturing you i think you need to spend some time alone and sort yourself out which is what it sounds like you are trying to do.
All the best.
You should stop writing this piece of shit cause it really is a waste of your time.
In all honesty I came to your site today to laugh at your pain. Its not right but I don't know why else one would read this shit.
You are a joke and the guys that support you are secretly wishing you will think they are somehow different from the stalkers and will start some form of relationship with them. They aren't you dumb fuck.
Awww, poor wittle Jamie!
Anyone that already knows of you and yanks your pity chain wants something from you.
Be discreet you dumb fuck... oh but wait, then your ego wouldn't get its nourishment. SAD FACE.
Hi James -
I'm sorry to read your latest post, but I think I understand where you're coming from.
As far as Danny goes, it may be best to let it go. It doesn't look like he is able to get beyond your history, and if that's the case, it's unlikely that things will work out. There will always be too many ghosts in the room. Wanting a life free from him seems appropriate, and for what it's worth, I think you should try to make that happen.
I hope the painkiller thing is a temporary blip on the radar. You know you are better than this - you've given every indication of it on your better days. Don't let the loneliness rule your life. I know that's easier said than done, as I've dealt with it, too. You are strong enough to get through this, though. You have already proven it - maybe you need to remind yourself of that when things start looking dismal.
It seems that getting out of the industry might help the situation a bit, too. No appearances to make, not being surrounded by porn start, etc. If that's still what you want, keep working towards it.
Like some others here, I would hate to see your blog go. But, you have to do what you feel is best for you. If what you're getting out of it isn't worth what's going in, then maybe it's time to let it go.
That said, I hope you keep writing, though, even if - for now, at least - it's only for yourself. You really do have a very distinct voice, and it would be sad if it was silenced because of experiences here. If the blog goes, then I'll be looking forward to your first published book. I have no doubt that you can accomplish that, and no doubt that it would be a fantastic read, whatever topic you chose.
Stay strong, and be true to yourself - James, not 'Erik'. You deserve the best life has to offer, and I know you'll get there.
Have a great day!
I agree with as black as my heart, you really should quit this blog, it is nothing more than a pity party and it makes you look pathetic.
I too love all the commenter's giving you advice, playing arm chair psychiatrist(especially love the "I study clinical psyche"), and hysterical pleas for you to continue with this shitfest.
You're a fucked up drug addict with no education and no discernible skills. The only things you're good at are fucking, abusing drugs/alcohol, and being a whore. What do you plan on doing after you leave the porn industry?
You won't give up this blog, you biggest addiction is attention. You bitch and moan on here constantly about all the attention you receive, but you love every minute of it and won't be able to live with out it.
Erik, if this blog makes you feel like shit, discontinue it. Continue to write, but wrie under a psuedonym and tell NOONE who you really are. It sounds like you need a vacation. Get your best friend and get the fuck out of NY for a little while; get away from all the plastic bullshit that is making you so miserable and get completely away from the sex industry for a little while. Sex, drugs, and clubbing are fun, but they always seem to let people down hard afterwards. It's like continually eating candy bars for meals; you are never quite content unless you are actually doing it.Find a hobby that you can enjoy by yourself like biking, hiking, reading, or oregami for God's sake. Hope you feel better soon. Laz
I get the sense that some people who read your blog can lose control and think they know what you should or shouldn't do. (Myself included) Most of us give you advice because we care. Of course, there are always people who gives you advice or pick a fight because they need attention.
Ultimately, it is your decision to continue your blog or not. For a public figure like you, I would actually recommend you to keep your private stuff to yourself. Lately, I have been thinking about how vulnerable I am by having a blog, with y picture on it and sharing my private details. Since you are famous, and you are, you wouldn't want to leave so much out there.
Also, you can set your blog, not to public, but to only people you invite to read. That could be another option you want to consider.
Anyway, wish you the best.
Hey erick i never wrote here before, and i always read your blog, i like u so much...please dont stop
James,
I don't know who your ex is but Dude even from the outside you are one hot catch. There are hundreds if not thousands of men who would give anything for the chance to be next to you. You don't have to take this guy's punishment. You are your own man and your decisions are you own to make. Don't let this guy drag you down any further. Rise up and take flight. I'm sorry to hear that you might not continue your blog. I for one have enjoyed reading it. You are indeed very honest and honesty is not easy to come by these days.
James,
I notice you only like to analyze your problems, why don't you try coming up with and analyzing your own answers as well, answers that you know will work for you. Everyone is an individual, so whatever advice anyone has for you will work for them, but may not necessarily work for you because they are not you, so they don't really understand your true feeling. You know what happens between you and Danny, how he really feels about you deep down and you keep going back for more of the mental and emotional abuse. Why do you keep doing that to yourself? I really want you to think about that and analyze it and come up with a sane solution that YOU know is good for YOU. It seems obvious that he has control issues, and obviously has a hold and control on you, but he accomplished that through beating you down mentally and emotionally, with the power of his words, until you got to the point that you feel worthless and not good enough for anyone, so you go running back to him, because you feel there is no one else. In my opinion, you have to share the blame with him. You, JAMES, allowed him to beat you down and do this to you. Now you, JAMES, have to find the answers, and seriously think about it and leave the situation, and get yourself on the right track, mentally, emotionally, physically, etc...... Enough of the mental abuse, verbal abuse, emotional abuse, can't you see it has taken a major toll on you, and how it has damaged you. In your own words, you, James, need to "see past the little things and SEE the whole picture . . . SEE a future, when all these things won't matter." It should be just back to you, where you can stand on your own two feet and on your own, and not be so dependent. Relationships are great, but you have a very twisted and warped sense of what a healthy relationship is. Relationships are great when you have communication, understanding, MUTUAL respect for one another, support, love, and guidance, every other great thing about a relationship will follow.
As for giving up the blog, only you know what is good for you, so do what feels right. But I do agree with some of the other posters, you should continue to write on some level. If you begin writing books, you can do that anonymously and you don't have to deal with the reaction of your readers or crazy stalkers. You do have a talent in writing, and don't worry about the grammar and spelling mistakes, publishers pay people to correct them. You need to use the power of your own spoken word to help you live your life with the freedom you so desire. Look at the power of your written word in this blog, look how it has helped you so far. Maybe you are feeling as though you haven't accomplished much emotionally, but you have improved a lot since the beginning of this blog. Put this gift, of writing, to good use.
Good luck in whatever you choose to do James, you know you are better than what you accept for yourself.
All the best,
T.
People are probably going to tell you not to stop writing your blog... and that they love it and blah blah blah... but in my opinion if it has gone from an emotional release to a burden, then maybe you should. You put a large part of who you are in your blog and it's not fair for people to take advantage of that.
With that being said, I do think you should keep writing... even if it's not on here. Call me crazy, but I think you write really well. It would be a shame to let some over excited, boredline crazy, fans take that away from you. Who knows, maybe whatever you write could develope into a book or a memoire or some shit.
As far as the ex is concerned, sometimes it's just hard to let someone go... trust me I know.
just some friendly advice...
ejames
Whatever you decide to do, make sure it is the right thing for YOU! There is the option of restricting the blog to certain viewers. Or, alternatively, just keep in contact with the non-freaks you have met and confide your feelings to them in personal emails, or newsletters if you don't want it to feel too personal.
My blog is important to me as I use it as a release, a place to let off steam, to put things down in words to make more sense of them, and to let the good people out there know that "I'm doing okay at the moment" or not. It also gives me a focus, something to do outside of work, when I have quiet time (which is often when depression can grab you).
I think though, whatever you decide, you still need to get some professional help. Go for one session with someone, see if you can face it and then, if not try some other form of help. That's what I'm going to be doing anyway.
Best wishes with whatever you decide. But, remember, make the decision that is right for YOU and not for someone else!
don't stop believin'... dude, i go through ups and downs a lot, but being sober = way better than being fucked up. you want to be taken genuinely, but theres no one offering to pay the full price. but it sucks not having them around, but its also great to be 'free.'
fuck it, i gotta do what i gotta do because just right now i'm not having much fun, but i am also getting things in order so that when the times come to move i'm going to be ready.
thats the thing about addiction. it is always the same, something different. in a way all the sketchy moments, and the way we deal with them, is what makes it all beautiful. the other side of it is hell. Its like a micro climate for people who don't get much out of this bullshit life that's layed out for us.
do what you gotta do to do your best.
Hey Erik, this is my first time ever reading your blog. I'm an escort in Boston who's been considering making the leap into porn so I wanted to get some opinions. I've always admired you in your videos so I looked up your page, and was surprised to read that you've been so tortured over something.
I guess the main thing I have to say is that you are obviously a strong, disciplined person. You couldn't look as great as you do or enjoy the success you've had in porn if you weren't strong and disciplined and if you didn't work hard for what you want. It seems to me it's now time for you to work hard for something more internal.
We've all had experiences with ex boyfriends that we have a hard time dropping. Now you may be reacting negatively in terms of drug abuse and general sadness, but you should know that none of this is your fault, it's HIS. If he truly loved and respected you, he wouldn't make you feel so guilty about doing porn. If he really understood you, he wouldn't distrust you or suspect your activities. He'd trust and support you. Love does not cause this kind of anguish. It's not impossible at all for you to have a relationship with someone who takes your porn career in stride and encourages you. Even though I'm not a public figure, my career as an escort does sometimes affect people I date badly. But there are certainly guys who take no issue with my job and who understand when I want to be loved for me and not for the fantasy I am to others.
Writing is very therapeutic. I think you should at least write privately. Maybe you should consider making your blog more general and less life-specific. But in the end I think the most helpful thing would be to see a therapist. Therapy can be very eye opening, if you find the right one. It's like dating, you gotta see each other a couple of times before deciding if this is the one for you or not. If your first therapist isn't so great, don't give up. Find another. There are too many things going on for you to see past them alone. It sounds like you need a guide through these turbulent waters.
The worst thing you can do is expect someone to save you. Save YOURSELF, and you'll attract people who are just as strong. The best relationships I've seen are those in which both people were already whole and not waiting for someone else to "complete" them. It will be hard, but the rewards are great.
Whatever you do, surround yourself with positive things. Lose yourself in a hobby or interest not related to porn. Spend time with supportive people. Spend time with yourself. But don't cave in to the all-too-common pressures of drugs and self-destructive behavior that's so typical of subculture gays. Don't be them; you're NOT typical. You're brave, dedicated, smart and sensitive, so it's worth waiting for the day that someone recognizes all that in you.
Oh, dear God, James, I give up. Your absolute refusal to grow and learn from your mistakes is just too exasperating to take anymore.
You know what your problem is? You think you're so different from everyone else. In fact, you're just a typical, tiresome 20-something Chelsea boy (albeit with exceptional looks) who keeps making the same goddamned mistakes over and over again and then wondering why nothing's changing for him.
As for the stalkers and crazies, you can't live your life as an exhibitionist and then bitch about all the attention you're getting.
You want to be left alone? Then stop making porn, take down the blog and live your life.
The choice is yours.
I, for one, am no longer interested in following this never-ending journey.
I agree with those who say drop the blog.
hello erik!
i am from romania and i discovered your blog one day after one post on perezhilton.com about jason preston and marcjacobs and i am reading it since.
it is such a wonderfull piece of work, so personal, so touching, so emotional...
i have also seen one of your movies, the one with heaven and hell, but this blog is entirely you,as a person. it is sincere and this attracts people reading it, and you have the magic thing that your posts wake up readers emotions.
i am a journalist here, i am writing for harper'z bazaar romania and just want to let you know that you have such a talent as a writer. maybe you will write a book sometimes...
i think you should keep on writing.
best regards
robert
I get the dilemma you have with your blog. You may not want to quit writing because it can honestly be therapeutic for you to vent it in this fashion. Another idea is you may want to create a new account with a pseudo name. You would also want to avoid posting any pictures to allow yourself to voice everything you need to but much more anonymously, you should probably even switch to a different blog site like live journal or something. That would hopefully get the freaks off your back, and allow you to feel more comfortable again about doing it. If that still doesn't work, then consider completely stopping your blog and writing in a journal for yourself only or locating another outlet for release. You had mentioned before you like to work out and if you are looking for a new career after porn, you may want to look into personal training which can maybe give you a better look on life while helping others change theirs. I know I would not be the person I am today if not for the help I was given and I'm grateful for it everyday. Hope it does all get better.
Dude - I like your blog! It offers a glimpse into someone else's life. Quite sincere ... therefore very appreciated.
But, you can't write a blog and not expect that people will just listen. Most people will only see the naked porn star. That's it!
When going through tough times, a clean start is needed.... Maybe it's time to quit porn before it eats you up. Maybe it's time to get off the market. Be single for a while! No sex! Take up Narcs Anonymous. Start over ...
HEAL!
I agree writing ones thoughts out is therapeutic, but the crazies ain't so mentally helpful. I am unsure if this site allows it, but some allow you to write (post), and then select that people cannot post comments. Perhaps a compromise is in order?? Continue to write, but don't allow feedback. Or just make the journal private for yourself. Whatever works for you. Good luck.
Hi Erik, I remember when I was 18, I came out to my parents and next thing I know that I was homeless, my parents cut me off, I have no place to go. My dad even asked me to change my name cause it bring shame to the family. I thought that was the end of the world. I was very sad and lonely There's many freaks out there offer help and try to take advantage of me and pretend to be on my side so they can get what they want which is an 18 year old boy. I remember that I met this lady at the park. she told me that " After the rain, the sun comes up". Keep your mind clear and try not let the bad people influince you, turn the table around, take control over the game. What I try to say here is that you will always freaks try to take advantage of you or try to ruin your life but you can screen them out just like I screen spam daily here. Don't give up
Seem like you drown yourself in a deep love drama. You don't need anyone else to validate of who you are. You have too many external drama that it takes the self energy out of you. You loose power and confuse but you need to put a STOP to it. Its time to tell people fuck off and regain your power back.
I found your blog very real, related. I wish you the best and I am sure things will get better for you. Don't give up, just clear your mind and strive forward.
If you need to shut off all the things that effect to your decision making or changing life process, go for it.
Hey Bud. Hope I really hope that you don't stop the blog. Its pretty good, man. I like reading it. My myspace is myspace.com/elliottmatos... just so you know who's writing you.
Later.
Dude, I hope you don't end writing your blog. I like reading it.
My myspace is myspace.com/elliottmatos... just so you know who the fuck is writing to you.
Peace.
E
James
Stupidity isn't running into a wall repeatly, its thinking that the result will be different each time.
You treat yourself so badly - why do you expect people to treat you any better?
There seems very little in you life sacrade that you would potect.
Your work is great to watch, and I am a fan, and reading you blog just reminds me constantly that even if given incredible beauty as a gift - that doesn't translate into happiness - its what you do with the hand your delt.
I would be interested to see how the rest pans out if the blog continues, but thats just morbid curiosity.
Your blog is so self indulgent its amusing - but I am always left with the feeling that you need professional help if you want to improve your general affect - and not just hope for some knight in armour in unknowingly rescue you from yourself.
I wish you the best, but just want to tell you that you have to create it for yourself.
drchrisq
I stumbled across this blog a few days ago and after reading it I could kind of feel Eriks pain. I'm in a very similar situation and it sucks, infact it takes over your entire life, it's as if you're living in a cloud. I wish I could offer advice to Erik, but I can't. Some people in life that you meet are just too hard to forget and it's how I feel with my ex. I just can't seem to let go even though I know I need to, I just can't imagine life wihout him or never seeing him again. I know it's not right and it doesn't matter how many people tell me you need to let go, you just can't. The only person that understands your situation is you and you're the only one who can make it better.
Try and be around positive people and speak to a close friend, someone who will sit their and listen. It does help.
The only thing that probably keeps you sane Erik is the weight training and atleast you're still getting yourself to the gym and bettering yourself, but I know it's damn hard. What you must know Erik is that in time things will be ok, but you just have to try and keep moving forward. I wish I could offer more advice, but I can't becuase i'm in the same boat.
Well i dont think i will end writing this blog because as much as its annoying at times if it helps some people and if can relate to it, then i guess its worth it.
But i will be taking the advice of starting another blog that i will keep to myself. A blog where no one will know who i am and i can write anything i want without judgement. I mean this blog on scratches the surface. I really do need more of a release than this. I find myself becoming worried who will read this blog so, thanks for the advice cuz i'm going to use it this time.
Do whatever you think is best for you, but I wouldn't keep this blog going if it's just for other people's benefit. And the longer you let crazy people talk to you, and read the shit they say about how much they think they can relate to you, the crazier it's going to make you feel. If I were you I'd get rid of it, or maybe make it private and just let a few of your friends see it, but it's your decision.
Erik.
I've dipped in and out of reading your blog and to be honest, what I read scares me. It scares me because of the content but it also scares me because some of it sounds very much like me a few years ago in some areas and a few months ago in others. Of course or lives, our experiences and our backgrounds are very different but I can see some similarities.
This blog is your cathartic outlet, your sounding board and your counsel. I'd strongly suggest you keep on writing and don't censor yourself. Sure it's airing your laundry but if you didn't or you couldn't what then? There are people who could listen better for sure. I'll admit that my listening has gone awry in the past but I can say however, that when people have listened to me when I needed them to, the important bits always got through. Those people were there for me when I needed them to be. I hope that yours can be there for you too. There will be readers like me that would probably like to offer an ear, but then who are we to you other than strangers? Strangers and distant ones at that can do you very little direct harm and there is at least some sanctuary in that.
My hand extended in understanding. Col
Where were you in Boston?
Pissed that I missed you.
Don't stop writing in your blog. If anything, take the blog offline, don't publish it, whatever... but KEEP WRITING! It appears to be very therapeutic for you.
I have had similar thoughts about my own blog... that now that people are actually reading it, I should 'edit' some of my comments, or not post certain things. The thing is, that would negate the entire reason I started writing in it in the first place.
Turn off comments, change your cell phone number... whatever... just don't stop writing.
Good luck!
I think you should do whatever the little voice inside you tells you to do.
Oh, and running into you today made my already good date Exceptionally Great!
I knew we would run into each other again - why- because of The Secret.
God Bless you -and until we run into each other again, or gimme a call, anytime
People who tell you to keep writing here are not interested in you. Any good therapist or someone who struggles like you would tell you not to write publicly but write privately. Journal. By blogging you are giving away way too much of yourself dude and then there's nothing left for you. It's cathartic but it's not helping you. You are very confused and sometimes we end up being comfortable in our own misery. That's ok man. I'm not slammin you but I am trying to help with my words. Fuck everyone else. Stop sharing yourself with the world and focus on you. By blogging here it takes the pressure off you to do the work that really needs to be done. It pisses me off to read people telling you to keep blogging. They are as selfish as those shadow boxers your write about at your gym. Be well.
Anything I write to you I do so with respect and your interest at heart. Stop blogging. When you release so much of yourself you leave little or nothing for you. While it is very cathartic in the end it allows you to avoid dealing with the stuff that really needs to be addressed. Instead of writing publicly write privately. Journal. It's hard work but the rewards will be a much more satisfying life for yourself. It pisses me off to see people encouraging you to continue blogging. These people are as selfish as the shadow boxers you talk about at your gym. Take a break. Do this for YOU and nobody else. Be well.
Your blog reads like a car wreck, I'm compelled to look but quickly am turned off. It also reads like an exercise in self-delusion, but I'm sure you heard this before. It's too bad you didn't go to college and explore your life options further; you know it's not too late. Currently you are young and good looking but in 5-10 years then what? My advice to young people searching for love is to be the person that you want to attract; it always works. Right now I see you attracting a bunch of druggy, messed up, droid using, sex addicts with little or no moral convictions. That's all I can say; I hope you read this.
James, stop listening to all of the voices inside and oustide of your head, and listen to the one voice in your heart....there you will find both your strength and your direction....and no I am not preaching some religious bullshit...I am just reminding you to truly listen to your heart and what it is telling you...A friend reminded me this once, and it was the best advice ever given to me, and I pass it on to you.
Do what is right for you.
Don't allow anyone...past or present...to make you second guess yourself. You know what needs to be corrected and what is going well in your life. Keep focusing on more of the good and try to remove as much of the bad as possible.
James
Who died and made your ex-boyfriend your "moral compass"? Who cares what he thinks? It's your life not his. What you choose to do with it is your own decision. He can only judge you if you let him. Remember the definition of insanity. Repeating the same thing and expecting a different response. You keep going back to him and expect something different.
I think you should start making some choices in your life. Do you want to still be with your ex or not? Until you let go of him, anyone who approaches you will seem like a big lunatic.
I love the words you write.I hope you will continue this blog.
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