Home from Vegas
I am trying really hard to not sink back into depression but nothing seems to be working. I really expected Vegas and the trip to be something it wasn't. I mean, yeah i did have alittle bit of fun but it just seemed to be missing something. I think its because my heart is not in porn anymore, its lost all the excitement that it used to have and now its just like having a 9-5. Like when that alarm clock goes off at 8am and you just wish you were dead, well its kinda the same way here except throw some naked guys in the mix. Its like going thru the motions and hoping no one notices that you are completely somewhere else in your head. Wishing it was over. Wishing it was all over.
The funny thing about a 9-5 is that at 5 o'clock, people are happy to get off and go home and be with the people they care about, when i punch my time card, there is nothing to go to. There is no one waiting.
God i'm miserable.
Oh and i'm also over the readers of this blog that cant take a fucking joke and don't wanna listen to my opinions. If you hate what i'm saying, dont fucking read this. Its that simple. I'm over saying "i'm right handed" and all the left handed people scream "Kill erik rhodes, he is a whore for being right handed". Its so stupid it makes my head spin.
It funny the more I hate doing porn the more it likes me:
According to AVN:
Top 100 Gay/Bi Sales & Rentals
1. Fleet Week
2. Winter Heat
3. Head Hunters Inc.
4. Telescope
5. Hollywood Sex Club
Shit worth listeing to...
83 comments:
IF YOU DON'T LIKE DOING PORN DO SOMETHING ELSE DAMN! U HAVE GOT TO BE THE FUCKING BIGGEST COMPLAINER! U DO PORN CUZ U LIKE GETTING FUCKED IN THE ASS ON CAMERA--SO GET FUCKED AND STOP BITCHING LIKE A LITTLE GIRL; OR STOP GETTING FUCKED AND GET A REAL LIFE--THAT SIMPLE!!!
Life can really suck sometimes, can't it? I'm not the best person with advice seeing that I consider myself a very sheltered person, but the best thing I can say is, we all have to weather through it. Better days will come (and no, I don't mean to sound like a Hallmark card).
Hi, Kiddo, I will not try to cheer you up or put you down, just want to tell you that filming is just a job, and as all things in life after the first days, or months or even years of enthusiasm, it becomes just a routine, be it a job a relation, even our own existence. You continue to put yourself down but in reality you are now reaching the top of your career. You went to Vegas expecting to hate it and at the same time ready for some wild experiences, but You are not a wild kid anylonger, james, you are becoming a man and the transitions are never easy.
You are still in pain from your break-up with Danny even if it is the best thing it could happen to you since your relation was getting more and more toxic.
Now you should try to just coast along, accept what comes and at the same time enjoy the popularity and relay on your family's love to help you get through. In NY why don;t you join some of the will Clark fund rising events, just to pass the time?
Before leaving you, i am going to ask, have you been able to get to the site?
Do not let the depression have the upper hand over you, Kiddo, listen to a lonely, not handsome, not rich older man who still thinks that life is worth living even if it is a bitch.
A big hug, Bruno
Gee, way to be a douche, funtimes. Anyways, I think everyone to some degree hates their job, no matter what they do. And, despite what some of the bigger fucktards who post comments would have you believe, people do like you. Maybe you just need something on the side to get your mind off things. Everyone gets that feeling of being fucked with on a cosmic level from time to time. You just have to ride it out. And congratulations on reaching number one!
Here I am again, tried with Myspace but they are idiots and keep disabling it as spam.
here it is;
http://www.jq2002ca.com/Rhodes_00.html
let's see if you can get to it. if not write me with a non_my space address, please.
Bruno
I understand. I've been there before and expect to be there again. If you'd like to discuss this further please email. People who want to read what you write, then tell you you're wrong aren't worth your time of day.
I don't understand why the posters take Erik's statements and streams of consciousness so literally. Clearly he's mainly venting, and he should be allowed to do so. It's His Space and prerogative. Erik, I don't know whether you have a head for business (no pun intended) but if not, find yourself someone to help you (but don't get used in the process). You are popular enough and wanted enough that you can brand yourself and branch out into other businesses that will naturally require you to transition from your role as a porn star to an entrepreneur. Make the cash for now, suck it up, and parlay it toward wealth. You may not want the money, but if you have enough you can clearly pursue something you want to do instead of doing something your heart isn't into. The roadmap exists, and the road is wide open for you.
I agree with maroon. You once wrote on myspace thanking your agent - well, if he isn't working in your best interest anymore, talk to him, or someone you think you can trust.
And I know I keep writing this, but keep in your spirit, the Law of Attraction, and count on the fact that we'll run into each other again. Be clear in your thinking and feeling about what you really want - and you'll get it.
You cannot help YOURSELF. That is something everyone learns whether through religion, therapy, or whatever. I'm not talking about minor changes or a new "lifestyle" - but real deep transformation. That is why addicts always return to drugs until they hit a bottom. Why don't you at least try to talk to a psychologist or psychiatrist?
Funtimes: You act like your the first person to say this. If it was that easy I would. But i haven invest 4 Years of my life in this and as much as it sucks, its not just a get up and walk away kinda thing. Just like anyone else's job, you need to make sure there is something better waiting before you yell at your boss and say "fuck you, I quit!". Right now, i dont have anything better waiting.
CW: I left out a whole paragraph about readers saying i need to see a shrink or whatever, cuz i'm not take your advice and i'm not going to go. I dont need someone to tell me " you had a hard childhood and thats why your like this". I just dont believe that it will work for me. I'm not going to waste my time.
Hang in there. Things are ALWAYS better in the morning. Reflect on the good things in your life. You have been blessed in a lot of ways.
It just sounds like you need a change. And I don't mean start acting like a different person. You just need to be at a completely different place, doing what you REALLY want to do. Whatever it may be. And I know it's not easy to just pick up all your shit and take a road trip to wherever "your heart leads you", that's all bullshit. But just through experience, it seems like change can really give people new perspective and new drive. No, I'm not a porn star and I have no idea what it's all like. But, I know what it's like to feel stuck, and the only person that can drag you out, is yourself. It just depends on who bad someone wants it.
why do you guys want him to be something other than what he is. if he feels like bitching and moaning, and you dont want to read? fucking click away. its not like the blog is audible.
things blow sometimes. sometimes a psychiatrist can give you a cabinet full of pills and they wont do a goddamn thing.
you just have to ride it out and find something that makes it a little bearable. Keep paddling and find something to distract you in the interim.
i got my bitter blogs on myspace and seriously its hard to put anyting in perspective when it seriously doesnt get better just more and more complicated.
find a good distraction. id say something queer like bike riding or a pet, but i dont know that that would work for me either. but you gotta try something.
you know a banking job would blow just as much. why not try getting into production or directing some of these porns?
Erik,
As much of a bummer as this time seems, try and figure out what it is that makes you happy, and what you're really all about...sounds deep I know but here's a hint; it's not your next movie, your next job, your next great relationship, your next apartment, your next car, your next anything. You're living proof to the rest of us that all the gorgeous good looks, money and celebrity in the world, will not make you happy, not really, not for long and not ultimately. Your job now is to figure out what WILL make you happy, and where would be the best place to look. Remember it will never be found in drugs, money, people, relationships, good looks, beautiful bodies, fame, or anything we all value so much. Those are all Things, and as you well know, those "Things" have a way of changing, fading and going away. So what stays? When all the rest goes or fails to keep you happy, what's left? Figure that out for yourself and find out what you really are and THEN you'll have the key to a happiness that lasts and never fades away. You're bigger and grander than your life Erik, certainly grander than this dry spell you're going through - you just need to see that for yourself. And the first step in doing that is NOT believing everything you think.
All the best.
Hey buddy, try to take it easy OK. You're 26. The whole world's in front of you right now and you can still get a lot out of it. Nobody expects you to be an irresponsible idiolist and just leave your career with no other prospects. But I think everybody reading and writing to you would change their tone if they saw you showing a glimmer of initiative that would take you away from porn. Not that I don't love seeing you naked, but I think the business is hurting you and you're clearly over it.
You've said several times that you're tired of people not listening to your opinions. This is your space and you have a right to your opinions, but everybody else does too. Listen to them. You might find yourself a little less lonely and miserable.
Take care...cdog
Hey, sounds like your in a pretty shitty position but i guess all you can do for the moment is roll with the punches. As for people telling you to see a shrink, they should just get fucked, I've been forced to go to a few and none of them helped as i still feel the same as when i saw them, all it takes is a little bit of acting and a fake smile and they think you are all better. People are stupid.
Hey, I’m not sure what purpose this blog serves for you. I mean fair enough you seem to be venting and sometimes you just need a space and time to do it. Whatever this blog is you’re right –no one’s being forced to read it so it makes no sense to get abusive just because they don’t like what you’ve said or how you’re feeling.
You’re an intelligent person and I’m sure you’re aware of all your options so I’m not going to offer you trite platitudes or advice. I’m not even going to pretend to understand how you feel –I can’t and I won’t patronise you by saying that I do. But I will say this though; sometimes you just have to hit rock bottom and hope that there’s a way back up at the end of it.
Depression is a bitch.
Cool header pic.
so if you hate porn what do you want to do? do you have a dream job that might make you a little more content?
Hi Erik... If thats your real name... Well, dis is my first time here... So, anyway erik i agree that life does suck but you cant always stay miserable for the rest of your life and if you are quitting porn eventhough its not that easy on what u said but if it makes you happier we still love and support on whatever you do and if your're not quitting and if you r not finding the excitement maybe u shud step out on having sex with your co-stars for a while and just talk to people, hang out, watever makes your day and i know doing porn is your job but maybe you just friends and if your co-stars arent friend material there's always us...
Years ago I was dating a resident doctor. He called me at work one day, and I was having a stressful day. He call me because he said he would. He was on his way home to sleep because he had been up 24 hours straight. He has just gotten out of surgery. A man had a fork lift fall on him, and he spent the last 18 hours massaging the mans heart while they tried to fix all the internal bleeding. The man ended up dying on the table while he had his heart in his hands. I think about that moment every time I get stressed out, or board, or down about my job. I look at it this way........ NOBODY DIED TODAY! So you can think about that the next time you are being paid to have sex with some of the hottest guys in the world.
Not that I want to make light of your feelings. I have been offered porn and prostitution many, many times since I came out at 21. Its not a job that wanted. I am now almost 40 and still turn those offers down. So if porn is not what you want to do.... what do you want to do?
I've been reading your blog since it's inception, as you know. All the advice is starting to repeat itself James and you're still depressed. You hear, but don't listen yourself-or perhaps you really don't care what we say...
Be present in your life. Make things happen instead of letting them happen. Be proactive, not reactive. Accept responsibility for your life and actions and DO something, anything except the same old thing and then bitch about it.
The trouble with the life you're leading is that it's easy. And who wants to give up easy?
Hi James -
Yeah, coming home to nothing can be a bit a bit un-motivating, to say the least. It may sound like a bit of a dumb idea, but is there anything you can do to 'pamper' yourself a bit? For example, take some time to just soak in the bath, if you enjoy that. Or maybe there's something you really like to eat, which you haven't had in a while, that you could pick up for yourself. Or perhaps a movie you could rent.
No, these things will not change coming home to find no one there. But, if you can treat yourself well, in little ways like this, it can help change your outlook on life just a little. Especially if there is something that you can prepare ahead of time, it can give you a little something to look forward to after punching your card. Sometimes those tiny changes in perspective are exactly what is needed to start something more major happening.
I know it probably sounds stupid, but someone once suggested it to me, and it does work. I admit, it doesn't work equally well every time, but I figure at least it's worth a shot.
Meanwhile, keep in mind that there are people out here who do care about you and are supporting your efforts to get to where you want to be in life.
Stay strong, and have a great weekend!
Well I'm not gonna advice you to quit porn, just because I believe you're making pretty good money doing it.
I know a lot of people would say quit and make yourself happy, but realistically money would allow you more happiness later in life and if you are interested to do mainstream acting, porn does provide you with exposure, so you could be discovered for other opportunities.
Of course, if you could another job that you enjoy doing and pay you a decent wage, go for it. But meanwhile do something on the side to occupy your mind. Find out what you really like to do and do some of the in your spare time, which I think you might have a little more than you need. Obsess about something you enjoy doing, if you are serious about fitness, why not become a trainer and get additional income? You are great at porn but how many more years can you do it?
You are a proven box seller in porn, capitalize on it so later in life you can be more comfortable and have more resource to pursue your true passion. I wish I have money to open a restaurant or go back to school for art or other junk. You're making good money now, so use your head and plan for the future. You can achieve a great deal if you know what you want to do and how to go about it.
You're RightHanded?!!!! FUCKER!!!!!
ROT IN HELL!
Sorry, couldn't resist. Bummer about your funk. I will offer an observation based on your posts over the last few months. You don't strike me as the type of guy who is ever going to be "happy" one day. Like if you changed x, y and z about you life....BAM Happy James.
I think that you aspire to some state of being and attempt to change aspects of your life to get there, but are disappointed or discouraged when you change your situation and you experience that state of being for a little while but it fades. One Step forward, Two Steps back.
What strikes me as amazing is that in your attempts to be happy ( or happier) you are always very frank about the good and bad in your life. You possess a self-awareness that is at times brillant and others brash. Kind of a curse wrapped in a blessing so to speak in that the same drive that compels you to strive for happiness is also the part of you that will not be fooled into false happiness.
My only advice for you is to give yourself a break as you are truly your own worst critic ( and given some of the assholes who comment on this site that is saying a lot) and even critics get the day off once in a while.
l8r t8r iabe
Erik[J] Happy Friday 13th this is
your day 2b your bitching self.
Baby URD Greatest yes D Count here,guy U can bitch all U want .
Infact it is good so U can air any
thing that bug U .U now Mr.Rhodes the winner of all types of awards.
U might say fuck the awards great
than do so if that make U happy.
Than look to other byways acting,
collage,working at a gmy etc.
U R D 2 A great guy all your life in front of U .Erik baby try a day
or nite at a time live life as U
doing bitch all U want u do it so
well. Want to get in touch The Big
Guy[MATT] has it don't forget all
your friend love U / U Big log.
LOL Love Erik[J] D Count Xavier
BTW, it cracks me up that some of you get outraged any time someone criticizes or challenges Erik.
If you don't like reading peoples' opinions - which God forbid might differ from Erik's: then click the hell on over to another site.
All of Erik's blog pages are owned and paid for by Google Inc. of Mountain View, California. If you don't like their service, then click the fuck away.
The last thing Erik needs is a bunch of superficial, needy fags who are looking for his approval because they worship his porn star status. Give the guy some respect by treating him as a regular human being.
Hey I’m last person to coddle someone; I'm a big fan of personal responsibility and allowing people to suffer the consequences of their actions and choices. Smokers who develop cancer should be given palliative care not chemo and junkies who OD should not be resuscitated etc. I just don’t see what yelling at someone who doesn’t appear, and the key word here is appear, to be in a healthy frame of mind achieves. It just isn’t constructive and serves no purpose. Sure, he's refusing to seek professional help but unhealthy doesn't necessarily mean irrational (yet anyway) and stubborn doesn't necessarily mean stupid. Like we both said, some people just have to hit rockbottom first.
pornstar. for once maybe, i was hoping to get some advice from you. One of my neighbors is a porn star that you know, he works for Michael Lucas. We see each other a lot and always flirt and get along really well, but i have a hard time dealing with what he does to make anything more than innocent fun. Do you have any advise for 9-5 white collar non-scene type who kinda likes someone in your industry? To give you a hint, he has a birthday coming up...
Seriously -with all the money you bank in doing porn, why don't you go visit a shrink. Get it done and over with. Jesus, if you can't handle your own shit of a problem, let the pros do it. Plenty out there in NYC. Reading all the comments from these fans of yours showing they care about your welfare -WHATEVER!!!!
Erik : Isn't there something else you're interested in besides porn, certain music, working-out? My own life isn't perfect, but I at least have a variety of interests and things going on where I always have something to look forward to. There are so many different roads and areas out there, there must be some other interests that would give you pleasure. Maybe you have to think back to when you were a kid: what subjects did you seem drawn to? Might be good for you (and others out there) to think about.
Sorry, should have called you James. (Erik is just a role you play).
Friends of mine that work in the same industry, in fact have been in films with you, have done things like buy apts. fix 'em up, rent or sell them.
Could be an option..
p.s. I go to DB gym too, n you forgot to mention those queens are usually twirling because of some booming dance music spun by a live dj.
I gotta agree Noel. Change your vibration. I think part of the negative vibration is from some of the people who constantly post negative messages or feel that God personally sent them to bitch about something you said about how you're feeling.
Also, you don't need to justify anything you do in your life to anyone, especially not anyone who is spewing toxic negativity into your life with their comments. I understand that people have a right to their opinion, but you also have to right to not give shit. You can't change what has happened, but you can change how you react to it.
Hey Erik,
I hope you didn't take my reaction to the "Falcon guys on a Vegas hooker" thing as mean-spirited or me as humorless.
I can take a joke — I just didn't get yours!
I appreciate a sense of humor and a point of view, even if I disagree.
I actually think you have great sense of humor, and that's why I read the blog!
Gavin: i equate it to Black people using the N-bomb left and right without consequence. I have worked as an escort aka hooker before, so i get to make fun of and pass jokes all i want!
blah blah blah you slut blah blah blah cheap whore blah blah blah no shame blah blah blah get a life blah blah blah porno goddess blah blah blah lick it blah blah blah how could you do that blah blah blah yes please blah blah blah deeper bitch blah blah blah not the puppies! blah blah blah see a shrink blah blah blah in my face blah blah blah that'll be $75.00 plus tax...
You need to read A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle. Now. I was a total skeptic because Oprah recommended it, but I think it could really give you some much needed perspective and relief.
Hey Erik, if you really can take joke read Nosher's entry. Now that's funny!
It's rough when you're focused on being stuck in a situation you don't want to be in. Like you've said -- it's taken you time to get where you are today, it'll take some time for you to work your way out. But it'll happen -- I've no doubt that you'll find your way, James.
I'm glad you're able to tune out the peanut gallery that tries to tell you that you're fucked up -- nobody else can every really know what you've been through. That said, you're not fucked up -- you're going through the same sort of issues that countless others go through, you just happen to be visible because you do porn (and you're honest about it). You're doing remarkably well, just keep looking for the things in life you can enjoy - you'll find them eventually.
nosher and cdog: how is that funny. Thats like a 5th grader wasting time in a class he doesnt like. Its stupid. But hey, enjoy.
MY MISTAKE. I thought you were actually sincere about trying to improve your life. My mistake. You are just as bad as the ones you complain about. My comments to you have always been from the heart but that's not what you want. So the only piece of advice I'll take from you is not to read this train wreck any more. You are the male version of Britney.
I know the feeling, when something you once loved becomes dull and meaningless. In the beginning you're caught up in a euphoric state, can't believe that it's you, doing what you want to do, calling the shots , playing by your own rules. "They" love you! But it's all a fantasy to them, they can turn it off and on when they feel like it, you can't because it's your reality. It was everything in the beginning and took everything's place so now you're left with nothing. I know the feeling all too well. My dreams became my nightmare and no one was there for me either. But you have to take baby steps on getting yourself back. Do something good for somebody else and you'll see that you matter to them and start to matter to yourself. Please don't give up. You are loved. Ignore the negativity, you are loved.
Mr Rhodes, I apologise but my entry was meant to be a piss take of some of the comments you get on your blog. It was not meant to be taken as an insult to you in any way. It must be my warped English sense of humour.
I read your blog because its worth reading. Its as simple as that.
Nosher
James, i agree with you on the shrink thing buddy, why the fuck would you want to pay so much money to talk to someone who will tell you about yourself, like he would even be qualified to know you, he would know just as much as the rest of us on here, fuck all! The blog is a decent enough outlet to vent your frustration at the whole god damn world, you work your heart out and invest so much time in something and you ain't getting fuck all from,other than a load of money, is that supposed to keep you happy? shit no, any prospects of a promotion? not really! Those you found out long before now.
Kinda there with you big guy on the whole "going home to nothing" oh wait there's a re-run of some shit you watched a thousand times already,the only social life you got that nite is the pizza guy at the door,finding yourself giving your pillow a good man-hug cause you ain't got the real thing to cuddle up to (shit! or is that just me, fuck!).
Can anyone explain why whatever appears to be the answer always fades away? I used to follow the teachings of Roy Masters and am still amazed at the deep knowledge of life he has - but its influence on me faded away. Then I read 'The Secret' and was sure it was the answer - then its influence faded away. Now I just read about Eckhart Tolle and saw some of his Youtubes. He is amazing and appears to have the ultimate answer - yet I know it will fade away from my consciousness in only a few weeks.
Why can't something that appears to be 'THE TRUTH' stay that way and maintain its importance in our mind? Is failure to commit to a belief system or a values system simply an indication of the weakness of faggotry? Was Dr. Laura right when she called us biological errors?
Erik come on, of course it's stupid, that's the best part! You know, one of the things that comes through in your blog entries is the occasional self deprecating remark like being a size queen or how you dealt with "stinky dick". Being able to laugh at yourself before anyone else does is pretty important. I know you're down at the moment but don't lose that quality now when you need it the most. Hang in there...cdog
Hey man! Sorry that Vegas didn't go as well as you had hoped. If porn is getting to you, maybe you should take a break and pursue something else and see how that turns out. I'm sure you would find something you enjoyed :). I agree with you that people need to stop bashing you. They shouldn't read the blogs that you write to vent and then judge them negatively. Take it easy.
-Dan from Delaware
cw : That's a good question. I see that with a lot of people, mostly gays, but some heterosexuals too. I wouldn't say it's directly tied into homosexuality, except in the way that a lot of homosexual men become airheaded dipshits eventually through circumstances(especially in the gay ghettos of Manhattan, San Fran, West Hollywood, etc). I don't have the answer, except that I've noted successful people seem to have some streak or source in them (or something) that keeps them consistently progressing. Maybe it actually takes hard work to actually DO that- remain consistent- totally aside from relying on having found the "answer" from some other source.
As for James/Eric Rhodes, my guess would be that he's greatly become reliant on an easy lifestyle that brings in adequate money, and doesn't know where to turn to leave it. That's not to criticize him; it happens to others in lots of ways (for example: people who start the dopey job of bartending. It's a non-thinking, easy, part-timer job that makes good money, so...eventually they let their plans for school slide away and keep doing it). It's so easy to fall into. James/Eric better develop the gumption to start gradually moving into something else. Even if it's just (as once suggested) fixing up apartments, renting them, selling them...He certainly has the time to do that. And it's profittable and...dare I say..fun ? Anyway, that's my two cents.
I think you thrive on the attention.
I realise by writing this I am feeding that.
But you give people with depression a bad name.
You act as a living martyr whose chip on his shoulder is dwarfed only by his disdain for constructive assistance.
You are sad, and will be sad till you pull your head out of your rose colored ass and took proper stock of your life.
That is, if you live long enough to do that. I truly believe you are self destructive.
i feel sorry for you. and dont take that the wrong way, at all. i also can relate to you, a lot. i recently, well 4 months ago, broke up with my boyfriend cause im a "whore" also. and i'd do anything to be back in that comfort and security zone. and i've spent the last 4 months doing nothing but sitting in my apartment or wandering the streets of philadelphia. its pathectic. take care, and try to keep your head up. -well, thats what ive been getting from everyone, but that advice hasnt seem to have done anything for me. its something you have to do yourself, so my advice, good luck. and take care kidd.
Eric... you can rant all you want or need to. I hope you are considering seeing someone to work through your issues. I have been where you seem to be right now and know it is not fun. i wish you the best. I would offer to talk to you but in reality know that will not happen. PLease search out someone who can help you before your feeling become worse. Take care buddy.
Mate. You seem so vulnerable. It's sweet, after reading your blogs, you seem like one of those people you want to sit with, listen to, then hug them and not let go. I dont know what it is but i really feel I could connect to you, hmmm.
Wow I sound like a stalker! But hey ho! I promise i'm not.... :/
But yeah... I'm sure you have much better things to do, but if not, and you want to chat, drop me an email the.mr.susan@hotmail.co.uk (hate it but cant be arsed to change it!!!)
Ignore these up thier arse, drama queen, egotistic, think they know best bum faces.
There not worth it =]
Leave him alone. People go through hard times everyday all you can do if you complain about what he writes is DON'T READ IT! And mind your own business. It's already enough that he is going through a tough time right now and you guys aren't not helping. WOuld like to be kick and bashed while you're down? Of course not. Let him have his own space. Thisis a blog for crying out loud and for most o us it helps us voice out what we're feeling. And the last thing he needs right now is for someone to judge him. Leave him alone. Hang in there Erik things happen for a reason. It'll get better just try to focus and deal whatever at hand. I know it sucks not to go home to someone after a long day's work. But someitmes you have to do what you have to do. And if say porn is your business be it for now. The only reason they criticize you is that they envy you. Think about it this way would someone criticize an admin for cleaning so much and doing a good job while at it? No because the work you do is somewhat people need they won't admit it but they want it. Your job is more controversial and not a lot of people can do it and be successful at it so jsut let it go and don't pay attention to them. It'll get better :).
Mong chong Ting Tong!
Is it just me, or is it hard to advise somebody when you don't know anything about him? What does James/Eric like/hate besides porn, music, and the gym? What was the last book he read? What city/country does he want to visit that he hasn't? What does he think about religion, vitamins, NYC real estate, politics, algebra, the French Revolution, Dr. Joseph Lister, the John Adams miniseries, etc etc etc etc....He presents himself as a cartoon character, very one-dimensional, just full of aggravation/disappointment. It's perfectly cool if he has a blog to just rant, but it kind of limits what can be said back to him. Which is cool if that's his choice..but..
the downtimes are used to recharge, replan, rethink, then when you're ready to go out and perform your best you are ready
got any music for my blog?
Hi James Elliot!
Well, I call u that name, because i dont want to adress the great porn star everyone knows but the guy behind, who seems to struggle with his identity and his longing to be really loved by another man.
Your crisis is a chance, believe me, I felt similar some months ago (even though im not a porn star ;-)
It is very good to blog and to tell your feelings but perhaps you should adress to someone who nows to handle such crisis in a professional way.
That's not a thing of weekness but the first brave step to get out of the darkness.
As I felt similar to you I mailed to Jet Kanashi, perhaps you know him, also a male model who suffered of what you are into at the moment.
Write him, im sure he is near to your situation:
jet@jetkanashi.com
I also like to be in contact with you, if you want.
Greetz from Germany, I apologize for my bad English, bye, cute man
Sebastian
(5eba5tian(at)gmx.de)
James
I just wanna give you my perspective on therapy. Everyones body's are different - fat thin muscular, twinks - as so is everyones neurochemistry. Sometimes it makes people more productive - determinationand ambition, and sometimes it causes psycological morbidity - eg depression.
"You need help" is used as a major insult, as ultimatley there's no radically changing personality traits. There is cognitive behavioral therapy, not about understanding why details in the past turned you into who you are, but more about this what you need to look out for. It would be great if that came in the form of a life partner, but if the problems severe, sometimes a professional is needed.
I am sure NYC will have some of the finest psychiatric help - sometimes you need to shop around to find the right fit.
But I also accept it's not the solution for everyone. But you do seem unhappy and need help, and quich fixes are seldom abounding.
Wishing you good mental health.....
C
dtnz: I think you thrive on the attention.
I realise by writing this I am feeding that.
But you give people with depression a bad name.
You act as a living martyr whose chip on his shoulder is dwarfed only by his disdain for constructive assistance.
You are sad, and will be sad till you pull your head out of your rose colored ass and took proper stock of your life.
That is, if you live long enough to do that. I truly believe you are self destructive.
--------------------------
Have you ever suffered from depression? And even if you have it's different for everyone, stop being such a dick. It's not up to you to commenton his life and who he is, you don't even know him personally, all you can go on is a blog he uses to vent his feelings. Pull your head out of your ass and grow the fuck up.
Although I'm older and we all have our own situations that no one else can truly understand, I feel like I have a good idea what James goes through. The highs of new adventure, often followed by the frequent let down of reality. All apart of growing up but hopefully not becoming completely jaded along the way. I've never been one for paying attention to lyrics in music,instead just enjoying the beat or melody but the song, Runaway Train by Soul Asylum hits me everytime I hear it and speaks to how I feel a lot of the time when "life's mystery seems so faded..."
Lyrics:
Call you up in the middle of the night
Like a firefly without a light
You were there like a slow torch burning
I was a key that could use a little turning
So tired that I couldn't even sleep
So many secrets I couldn't keep
Promised myself I wouldn't weep
One more promise I couldn't keep
It seems no one can help me now
I'm in too deep
There's no way out
This time I have really led myself astray
CHORUS
Runaway train never going back
Wrong way on a one way track
Seems like I should be getting somewhere
Somehow I'm neither here no there
Can you help me remember how to smile
Make it somehow all seem worthwhile
How on earth did I get so jaded
Life's mystery seems so faded
I can go where no one else can go
I know what no one else knows
Here I am just drownin' in the rain
With a ticket for a runaway train
Everything is cut and dry
Day and night, earth and sky
Somehow I just don't believe it
CHORUS
Bought a ticket for a runaway train
Like a madman laughin' at the rain
Little out of touch, little insane
Just easier than dealing with the pain
Runaway train never comin' back
Runaway train tearin' up the track
Runaway train burnin' in my veins
Runaway but it always seems the same
Erik, don't mind these idiots who write nasty things... I'm thinking that a very small percentage of you miserableness is coming from taking their comments to heart - 'n blog is about expressing yourself - so go ahead, vent some frustration, there are a lot of people, like me, who will listen.
and like jq2002 and few others said, it's just a job - if you can, take a break, do something else for a while, and yes, I know I sound like a hallmark card (thanks svhsgrad2003 for the idea) but you have a lot to be happy about... well, maybe not a helluva lot, but life is what you make it.
You're 26, I'm 21... and I feel like you... only, I live in south africa, and since there are no jobs for white guys (affirmative action) and the fact the RSA is heading for a big racial war (literally)... there a quite a few things going for you (as opposed to me).... and like I've said... life is what you make it... I bought my Glock two weeks ago, and I'm doing a level 3 first aid coarse... not that I want to... but hey... there is no other choice.
So bottom line, two people can't be compared to one another - I can only think that being a porn star can become quite boring after a while, not to mention that it makes you cold and hard.
Chin up bud, life will get better, hang in there!
< end of hallmark card ;) >
Zack
Not only have I lived with depression for the past 6 years, I actively worked as a counsellor for those with depression.
In the begining going through the motions fills whatever that emptiness is. You do it often enough you become good at it, more efficent at going through the motions. To some outsiders that looks like strength, capability. Inside I felt like it threw dirt into a hole that I found could never be filled.
Going through the daily motions you always feel several pages behind everyone else. They got the books and the encouragement that prepped them for adulthood. Somehow all the materials everyone else got for life never made it to you, and you feel like everyone else was moving forward while you stayed behind, or that's how it feels. That limbo feeling that becomes like a third limb manifests itself into anger, it feels better to fight and lash out to make the emptiness go away.
You become good at a job, burying yourself in the accolades of high productivity, material rewards anything to ignore those bad feelings and constantly try to bury. All the time wishing I was anyone else, anyone but me. Everyone else had that "it", the thing that made them acceptable, liked, loved and more importantly...wanted. You never feel as accepted or at the same higher level of everyone else around you. Christ I would have given anything to be one of the gym guys..they had it all or so I thought. Wasn't gonna happen, they could see through me and I wasn't going to put myself out there knowing full well I'd get shot down.
Social situations are the worse, observing all the couples and friends together and wanting to have that but not sure how to get it. And scared if you did have it that people would see right through you, I'd screw it up in 5 minutes and all that pain would come rushing in. I'd sell my soul to satan just to get rid of this endless circle of shit.
I wondered what it would have felt like like to slip off the sidewalk into high speed oncoming traffic. In a quick flash of a second it would all be over and that constant feeling of being on the outside looking in would finally die with me. Caring and not caring that you'll re-enforce the image everyone has of you becomes the see-saw that holds you back. Knowing that one day you could fall of it it and then the decision is made.
Something holds me back, not sure if I am a gluton for punishment or perhaps there is something out there for me.
I can't find out soon enough. This existance really sucks.
It's like being on the outside looking in sometimes. There doesn't seem to be a way to catch up to the page everyone else is on.
I can't tell you the number of times I thought about falling into on coming traffic. Torn between wanting this third dark and useless limb gone and finding out the book or person that prepared the rest of the world for normal co-existance. What I'd give to shake what ever this gray usless thing is.
Sometimes it's all I can stand seeing couples and friends together. Wether I dare cross the the line of trying for myself and afraid they'd see how far lost I am. Staying off on the sidelines and anxious and afraid to when I do.
I've often wondered what it would feel like to be wanted. Not just physically but to have someone actually want to have me in their life emotionally and spiritually. It's a catch 22 because I'd love to have that feeling in my life but scared I'd fuck it up at the same time. Burying any and all attempts to break the pattern with meaningless one night stands. All this is dangerous because self pity can be comforting.
I've found emotionally damaged people have a tendancy to find each other. Sometimes friendships work out. More often I see dependency and toxicity that keeps everything that troubles me in a standstill..like treading water. If things are to change sometimes boundaries are good.
I have to believe that there is something out there.
James, don't let your job dictate who you are. You should have that "work to live" ideal in your mind and not the "live to work" mentality like so many North Americans. You should seek other passions that you are interested in and pursue those. Your job is just a job that will lead you to your desired goal/passion, whatever they may be.
One thing to consider is to do some real traveling (outside North America). Experience different cultures and lifestyles. It helped me grow as a person by being aware that there is a much bigger and interesting world out there. It is also something to look forward to, planning the next trip.
Surround yourself with family and true friends who will be honest with you because they care and have a vested interest in your well being.
dtnz
You can't be that great of a counsellor if all you do is criticise someone, instead of being helpful and constructive.
Hi this is justin from dancing is my heart....lol...and can i juat say that i have read some of these comments and they really make me laugh. Don't listen to it because really what they need to be doing is taking their own advice instead of saring their two cents so they can feel important for the day. As far as my opinion goes, i think that its your life, you live it the way you want to. You are one corner of the world, you can't change the rest of the world but you can change that one chunk.....c ya latter, o and bye the bye, if you really like hip hop, then drop me a line because i can show you how to do some stuff on your own.
zack
if at first they dont listen to the "there there it will alright if you...."
Then you have to knock em on the head.
Erik/James probly isnt a bad guy. But he is doing the wrong thing that could ultimately kill him.
You wanna sugar coat that?>
Hello,
I'm a French Journalist for www.streetreporters.net.
I'm preparing an article about porn industry & it new perception by the society.
I found randomly your blog and found your insights very interesting. Would you mind answering my questions ?
Here's my mail : matthieubarbarin@streetreporters.fr
Your manager/agent can contact me as well via this mail. Thank you.
dtnz
I don't see hoe venting is gonna push him over tyhe edge, it's the bottling up of emotions it what makes you crack and after a few attempts at "the wrong thing", i know what i'm talking about. Everyone deals with their emotions in a different way, why insult his way of venting?
Dude - I like that your rage is right out there. No mysterious feelings of anger ready to trap the unwary going down here. Everybody should know what they're getting into.
I think that female hooker in Vegas is how you feel about yourself. Whatever, you sure have an intense spirit. It would be great to see you channel it and bloom. Good luck.
Dude, just don't cross over to bareback...seems that when guys get bored with the vanilla porn that's what they do and as much as it fantasy and hot...IT'S NOT THE WAY TO GO...cause we all know why most guys are doing bareback porn...
You're depressed because what you do for a living is depressing. Simple.
The points been missed
We made a mess
So things are not as simple as we guessed
If only life was as simple as it seemed
- Simple, by Katy Perry
Many people working in porn like it and don't find it depressing. It's just as likely that quitting will be even more depressing. Only Erik can know - or find out.
I complete understand where you are coming from and what you are saying...I work the 9-5, well actually it is more like 8-7, and everyone is excited to go home and be with there families, but I have no one, I am all alone. I used to work at a bar in Chicago until like 4AM, and yeah then I went home with people, but it was to do drugs, and have sex. Whether I work a traditional job or a night job, it is still the same....I am still all alone, with not a sole to talk to or be with....I was listening to you on the Derek and Romaine show the last couple of days, I actually called in friday from chicago to mention that I totally agree with you why drink when there is GHB, and I am a straigt girl.
Hey Erik Rhodes (you're kind of famous, so you get the double name greeting),
Just wanted to write in and say I think it takes guts for putting who you are out there. You seem pretty hard on yourself for some of the things you've done but few people can live a public life--I certainly don't think I could. Despite that, as some of these comments must prove, the world can be a pretty critical and ugly place, and sometimes we're our biggest critic. And in light of that, still making the decision to be a mess and show people that is pretty brave. So yeah, bravery, of all the muscles you've got going I think that's probably the sexiest one.
So, in light of not wanting to add any fuel to what already seems like a pretty big fire , I also just wanted to say from a purely ignorant and optomistic standpoint that I think you're going to be alright.
We're not too far in age, and I actually just found out who you are (career-wise) last night. I watched you in some interview thing and I don't know if it's the age thing or from the ny area but your voice is really relatable. I'm going through a host of changes right now myself and also trying not to feed some of my own demons. most of the time I feel a great deal of self-doubt and uncertainty coupled with wanting to say "fuck you" to everything that challenges me.
Still, rather than give advice or misinformed "guidance" my best friends always say, "you're gonna be fine," and I half-listen, and on up-days I'll even start to believe it.
So, I thought that rather than pass on my "wisdom" as to what you should do (fuck if I know dude. sorry!) I thought you might wanna hear from a stranger instead that "you're (definitely) gonna be alright."
Because you are. It's sink or swim and although I know nothing about you. Something tells me you are a swimmer.
I'm about to get up, shower, and try to be okay today myself and hope you can do the same.
If it's not lookin good, should be enough laughable material in some of these responses to get you through the day ;) Take care.
James
I'm so fuckin with you on the Vegas shit! I moved from NYC to here packing my shit up in three weeks to come back to the city.
I don't care for shows,gambling, I see way people kill themselves here.
So Erik when I'm in the city getting one of your make-overs would be at most DOPE.
Hit a kid up,
Sterling
James
I'm so fuckin with you on the Vegas shit! I moved from NYC to here packing my shit up in three weeks to come back to the city.
I don't care for shows,gambling, I see way people kill themselves here.
So Erik when I'm in the city getting one of your make-overs would be at most DOPE.
Hit a kid up,
Sterling
Maybe what you don't like about porn is the performance aspect of it. Perhaps (I don't know specifically) you could find a niche production house with a less pressured atmosphere.
Falcon is top quality, but I imagine that having a director telling you everything you have to do (and how to look while doing it) must kill any potential enjoyment you might derive from your "work".
G'day
Edgar
Read "You Can Heal Your Life" by Louise Hay
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