A Final Goodbye: All the things i forgot to say
I'm a broken record now but its hard to walk away without saying a few last things.
I'm sorry for who I am.
I'm sorry for who i couldn't be.
I know i said it a million times but i never wanted it to end.
I'm sorry for being to afraid to make the changes needed to make our relationship work.
I know i can say I'm sorry till I'm blue in the face and it will never be enough to make things better. But it goes deeper than me just losing a lover and a best friend but it feel like I'm losing my family. Its that certain sense of comfort that people search their whole lives for, and i had that, with you. That type of love is unmeasurable. Its something i never experienced until meeting you. And...
I know we weren't perfect, god know i personally never will be. But its all our flaws and all our personal quirks that complimented each other and made us strangely perfect for each other. Well at least in my eyes.
I guess the hardest part of walking away is losing all the little things i fell in love with. All those stupid little things you did that someone else might take for granted. I know i am the worst as showing emotions in person, but its all those little things that made my heart beats faster every time you did them. It those little thing that made me say to myself "god, this is why i love him". And now that your not here i regret not saying everything i was thinking. i regret not stealing enough kisses. I regret not saying i love you enough.
To keep it short and simple, I'm sorry for every tear, for every frown, for any second that you felt lonely. I'm sorry for ruining your life.
You have said to me so many times that you deserve better and its hard for me to admit it, but i agree.
My life will never be the same without you, i can only wish that your life is better without me.
I will never forget you
"we crack a smile and then our hands let go....."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Answering questions to avoid being a one dimensional character:
What do i hate besides porn, music and the gym?
Well i think you missed the point somewhere, but i love the gym and music. I just hate my gym and a bunch of the silly faggots that go there. As for music, dude, music is my life, IBM not sure where you got that from. As for porn, yeah, i guess i hate porn.
As for what else i hate...damn there is alot and i could be here all day, so just keep reading I'm sure I'll hit on everything at some point or another.
What is the last book that i read?
I don't read books. My attention span just can't handle them. But i do read alot of magazines religiously. Blender (its like watching v-h1 but in magazine form) GQ (yet i still have no style beyond looking like a dude to old to be wearing band t-shirts and dressing like a skater. Yet, could i dress my ex and make him look amazing) Muscle and Fitness (obviously)
What city/country do i want to visit that i haven't?
Well i miss London and i always wanted to go to Berlin. And its funny cuz i planned on go to both in the near future with the traveling party called Hustlerball. The jobs required me to basically dance on stage naked, which i wasn't into, but i figured, if i got a free trip out of it and a performance fee, it would be worth it. Until they tell me the performance fee is 100 euro. Which was like slapping me in the face. After i read the performance contract also it said that i would also have to be shacked up with another model, which was also insulting. So i countered there cheap offer with agreeing to the rate but i would require my own room. They cheaply denied me. Cheap fucks. Sorry London and Berlin, maybe I'll see you in the future.
What do i think about religion?
I think the world likes playing a big game a make believe. Jesus was an early version of David Blaine. I pity the people that dedicate there lives to something has been completely disproven.
Vitamins?
I take so many vitamins and supplements its crazy.
I guess I'll just list them: Whey and Casein Protein, Creatine, BCAA's, NO, Glutimine, Eurycoma Longifolia Jack, Forskolin, 6,17 Keto, 6-oxo, Phosphatidylserine, Taurine, blah blah blah.
(i give up on the rest of the questions, lol)
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
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55 comments:
You should listen to Regina Spektor. She is very calming, and it sounds like you need something soothing and calming in your life. Cheers.
If an old chapter never ends, how could a new one begin? I'm glad you've made an effort. We all learned from our old relationship to make our new ones better.
Thanks for sharing those thoughts with us -- it's obvious you have a big heart and are brave to be willing to be so open about yourself and your life. Hopefully soon you'll be able to look back at this relationship fondly, without the regret and heartache.
didnt you just read the Secret?
- formerly soulimage
Wow! Powerful stuff leting go.
Before my current relationship, I had a boyfriend that our breakup seemed to last as long as the relationship. Just when we both thought we were done, we would find a new way to hurt each other, or hook-up or whatever.
When it was finally done, I felt gutted, like all the love I was ever going to give had been wrung out of me like dirty water out of a sponge.
Funny thing is, I needed that to happen to get me ready for the man I love and have been with for 8 years and hope to be with forever.
The first step toward the love of my life was letting go of the old. Let the saying goes: "You can't grab onto something if your hands are full."(I add "...of shit")
R U going to ben in SF for Pride this year or is Falcon not doing
anything?
iabe
Hi James -
It may not be my business to comment here, but...
You two may not have been perfect for each other, and that's a tough one to admit. I understand (I think) what you meant by it, but I'm not sure you should be apologizing for who you are. You're a good man, with a good (and tender) heart underneath the tough exterior. That's not something to apologize for - if that wasn't who are, the relationship wouldn't have affected you that way.
You two may not have perfect as a couple, but that doesn't mean you personally aren't perfect for someone.
Stay strong - you will find that love.
Always wondered about your tattoos... what does the one on your forearm say? What does the symbol on your chest mean?
What were the stories or circumstances of getting those tattoos?
saw you on the street tuesday i think on the east side, i stopped and wanted to say something, but i was on the phone and had no idea what i could say. you're a big guy in person, you may not think you have much to offer or that you haven't met enough goals or something, but just from seeing you, you must know you have a lot going for you, especially in the city we live in where looks can get you almost anywhere. i could say a million cliches, but i won't, you know what you see in the mirror, enjoy it.
Erik,
WHAT IS SO FUCKING SPECIAL ABOUT DANNY?
That's the ex your letter is addressed to, correct?
He's short, he's unaccomplished, a Y-List reality contestant, he was a shady, chickenshited hissy fit on TV and there are plenty of other fish in the sea.
Do you honestly believe you'll never find more love and "comfort" than you found with that little Shitsu?
Just because he was the first you found "a certain sense of comfort" with doesn't mean he'll be the last or the best.
YOU NEED A BOYFRIEND YOU'RE COMPATIBLE WITH.
So why are you stuck on this guy?
Are you afraid of searching for someone better?
Sounds like you're always afraid of the unknown. You go with what you know and are comfortable with in both love and your career, even when they're highly uncomfortable for you.
You gotta take RISKS in life, buddy. You've got to try NEW THINGS and NEW PEOPLE and yes, be prepared for failure.
This Danny clown is not a great guy. I only know him from TV appearances, but there is NOTHING attractive about him and his snotty, diva-like personality is off-putting. I fail to see how you could have fallen in love with him. I found him quite resistable.
I'm sorry if that insults you, but I'm totally baffled by him, especially when so many other gay men want you.
I think you need to leave your comfort zone, face your fear of the unknown and try NEW PEOPLE/ THINGS TO DO.
Erik, you are a disappointment.
BTW your negativity & hate for everything... it shows, clearly in Afterparty....
You should look into writing a book or something, I love reading your stuff. Its a very sad letter but at the same time, I found it beautifully romantic. English is my 3rd language so non of the language that I know are perfect but reading stuff on here, I really appreciate what a person can come up what they wrote. I hope you find inner joy and look at life in positive way, there's so much shit out there that influence our thoughts and invade our personal energy but having positive though will help you to surpass those sad depress moment and strive forward.
I was reading one of your posts the other night about how you go out, can't talk to anybody, and then you get so obliterated that you come off looking like a total asshole. Man, I am the exact same way, and I have no idea how not to be that way. It's to the point where I don't want to go out anymore.
I am always told that I am a great guy and any girl would be happy to have me, but it just doesn't seem to get through to me. Maybe when you can come up with a suggestion, you can share it with all of us.
Dude I also know how you feel about your recent breakup. Five years ago I broke up with my girlfriend and I still can't get over her or get her out of my head. I will see her out at clubs and we will catch each other lookin but turn away. It will never go away, but just remember the good things and make sure you don't recreate the bad ones.
Make them earn you.
Single and hot!
http://wcbstv.com/slideshows/gay.celebrities.gay.20.228680.html?rid=73
James, as a friend I only hope that Your life will be better without him, since, contrary to what you believe it is you who deserved somebody better than him.
Someone who would understand you, especially knowing what your life was. I believe from what you have said that you were already both a porn actor and an escort when you got together, so he had nothing to bitch about afterward.
I also believe, maybe i am wrong, that it has been him that convinced you you are unworthy of love and respect, and that is not love but abuse, and you are the victim.
I said my piece, I know you will not probably like it, but from what you may know about me, I have an age that allows me to tell a kid, and you are a kid at heart, what i think,.
About the answers to some questions, have you ever been in Italy? and what about up North, here in Montreal?, Not the gay village but the normal tourist Montreal and the countryside in fall?
Anyway, I am ranting now, Time to stop. Have a better day than yesterday and a big Hug, Kiddo.
Check the first page...you will like the pics better.. Bruno
PLEASE!DANNY FORGIVE HIM COME BACK
YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO.
COUNT XAVIER
You should have learned to increase your attention-span to the point where you could actually read a novel. I'm telling you: you hit Hawthorne or Dostoevsky and you're/we're well-reminded that human suffering has been ever-present. and i know everyone's problems are bad to themselves, but again- look at the young guys coming back from Iraq with missing limbs and burned-up faces. /////I still think you should get out of porn, but it doesn't have to be immediately. Start making the gradual change to invest in other things.
When I first looked at your post I thought it was going to be your suicide note to the internets, no joke.
How can anyone make you say those horrible things about yourself? He LOVED you??? or did he conquer you? It hurts me to see that you debase yourself so entirely. It doesn't sound like a relationship except a truly S/M situation.
You accept and encourage failure as if you deserved it. I truly hope he's gone. Get some self respect James-come and see me and I'll teach you.
A beautiful farewell to a loved one. Although you shouldn't blame yourself so much in the failure of your relationship. I believe that when any relationship ends, both sides at some level are at fault and I'm glad that you've acknowledged your faults in the relationship. Just remember that when one door closes, another one opens and on the other side of that door is someone who is happily waiting for you. Maybe not right away, but someday!
I think you look great in t-shirts and look like a king kong in those suits,lol.So keep your own style,ok? Ilove your "lemon shit" t-shirt by the way.
I just found your blog and you surprise me a lot. I thought you were kind of those shallow and haughty guys. But now, i find that you are such a deep person and i think i started to like you now.
Those words are the most profound you have written so far. I hope you continue. I think some people only look at the surface and if you seek what's beneath the surface then will you really know someone. I wonder if someday that person will look back and wonder if he really tried to know you at all.
James, why don't you take yourself off to London and leave 'Erik' behind. get some audio books too to listen to on the plane.
just a suggestion
Did you tell him this? Did you apologize to his face in a sincere way? Did you even make an effort to change? If you didn't than you're just a coward and this is just masturbation.
Kudos to moving on heres hoping for better and brighter
A decent parting shot for Danny. In your own "muddling though" way, you seem to be getting through things better. Happy for the Q&A for us. I wondered about Hustlaball--the Rentboy things don't look like they would make much money. BTW, run like hell when someone suggests listening to Regina Spektor or anyone else who seems soothing, or the like.
Thanks for putting this out there. It's hard saying goodbye to someone you cared for, even if it couldn't work. Whether he was or wasn't right for you doesn't matter. The important thing is he meant something to you, and at least you loved him enough to let him go. I wish I could do that, but whatever, good for you!
You will find your final guy. Dreams always come true.
Hey E, glad you got that out of your system. Sometimes you have to give yourself the closure no one else will.
There's one obvious thing that pops out of your note. Low self esteem. I used to suffer from it myself when I was your age and I made a lot of bad choices because of it. But there's a very simple way to begin lifting yourself out. Accomplishment! Not big stuff, but just small every day things that remind you to be strong and independent. One of the things I did was volunteer my time to people who really needed it. Oregon has a great program called Start Making a Reader Today (SMART). I offered an hour of my time once a week during the school year reading to elementary kids who were behind on their reading skills. It's a selfless act of kindness that makes a huge impact and you come away with the knowledge that you helped someone change their life. And it changes yours.
Try going to www.nycares.org to find some options. Believe me...it makes you feel great!!
Later buddy...cdog
Guys have U seen D God like Man
all 6'3 pics. Well log on to
Big Muscles.com enter the no#
82015 - piece de resistance-
ERIC IN ALL HIS GLORY.As it
gose a pics is worth a 1,000
words this will leave U ...
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WOOFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF.
I understand everyone's right to their own opinion.
But if I lacked respect for you, I wouldn't say that comparing Jesus to David Blaine is downright rediculous. That's like saying English is an early version of Sanskit.
If this sounds backwards, then you get my point.
PS-Sometimes you have to take a big risk in life to be happy. Find something you want to do, then jump. It'll be difficult, but that's the best part.
Are you battling with Matthew Rush for porn's biggest mess?
http://pornconfidential.com/video/mattrush.htm
Alfonzo : As for the Christ comparison, Erik/James is a porno hustler, living in (ugh) Manhattan who doesn't have the attention span to read a book. Even he himself would grant you we're not talking mega-I.Q. here. ////////Anyway, I've suggested he move out of porn gradually. But maybe your idea is the smarter...about just jumping.
Have you ever heard Emilie Autumn? I think you'd like her. Her music is a cross between industrial and classical.
As for your letter i think it's good that you are getting some of your feelings out in the open, it usually helps me deal with some of my shit. And i think putting it on here for the world to see takes balls so kudos to you, i could never do that lol.
some of you need to just let the guy be, he is just expressing himself threw this cause its his right to do so . who are we to judge someone. maybe this makes him feel better and dosn't hold it in. so get off his fucken nuts and look at yourself before you pass judgement on someone else. i hate shady fags who think there better than everyone. if you dont like what he has to say, then dont fucken read it .
Hi,
I feel like there's a million things I could tell you but i won't coz it'd be better in a face-to-face conversation (that will never happens anyway since i live in France).
i'm not gonna give you advice or anything, i don't know you to be able to do that or even judge you but you strike me as being so Aquarian.
don't worry, i'm not an astrology freak! You strike me as striving hard to know yourself and that's what you should do, for sure, that's what i've been doing for a long time.
i'm only 24 and i keep discovering things about me every day. You strike me as being a good guy, deep deep inside. Sure, you're creating a persona when writing blogs and stuff, just like you have a movie persona, but if i may, i would urge you to keep on writing, at least for yourself, and maybe traveling. you obviously need to get away and breathe some fresh air...
I do wish you to find the answers to your questions;
best wishes
Kudos for the Derek show.. you actually surprised me.
Hit them up for your own show now!
For the time being, go with the flow.. we have all been there.
btw... "PornHeart"
Joey7777-
I've met some very intelligent people who have, at one time or an other, "done porn". In fact, one of my very best friends in the entire world, has. He is one of the wisest people I know and I find him very intelligent (if you're wondering, my i.q. is 132).
I do believe that 'Erik' has the mental capacity to respect my opinion and comprehend my comments. I find it somewhat of a tragedy that you discount his point of view so readily, then offer advice. Would you respect your opinion if you were him? I don't know "Erik" and have not met him in person, but having read what I have, I respect the fact that he's honest and truthful about himself. I sure as hell would not feel comfortable telling everyone in the world, graphic details about my own life.
On the other hand, my very good friend who has done porn has a saying: "Never argue with retraded person, people might not know the difference."
Alfonzo : Heard and understood. -Joey
Alfonzo : I disagree, though, that there's anything impressive about telling the world graphic and intimate details of your life, at least for certain types. The blog world is full of such people with that kind of neediness. These people would find it much more difficult being quietly contemplative and keeping a private diary, where no one else knows their thoughts. The internet has been a great outlet for those who need to have everyone else knowing about them. Which is fine...neither admirable nor contemptible.
Hey James,
I just started reading your blog and am sorry about how depressed you seem to be feeling. I am not going to pretend that i have all the answers or that I somehow have been through what you have been through. The only thing i want to tell you is when i was really, really, depressed my mom forced me to go to a shrink. I know you have mentioned how much you dont want to see a shrink, but mine really helped me. He put me on medication and now i feel much better. I still get deppresed some times, but its not nearly as bad. I guess the secret is to find a shrink who dosent practice bullshit, one who is more interested in actually correcting the self destructive behavior rather then "probing the depths" of your psyche. I dont no if seeing a shrink will help you. But i think u should consider trying one at least once. Look this may be an instance of the blind leading the blind, but regardless I hope this might help.
Hope you feel better:
Erik, I loved you on Derek and Romaine. You rocked. I've read your blog. From what I have read you sound like a good candidate not only for ADD medications ( which totally transformed my downstairs neighbor's life) but some form of anti-depressant. If you are only depressive,and not bipolar,it can be somewhat more complicated finding the right drug that works, but it is worth exploring. Should you do this route be prepared that drugs such as Prozac take several weeks to kick in, you can sometimes get anxious for a brief period, and different drugs have different side effects.I have been on Prozac for 10 years now and have no side effects. It revolutionized my life. A trip to a doctor or shrink can determine via a test if you are a candidate for these drugs. I mentioned ADD because of your comment that you can't concentrate long enough to read a book. Good luck in what you do, and may your depression ease. I used to be seriously depressed and would have killed myself if not for Prozac.
I saw you on 23rd street today - crossing 5th avenue. I thought I recognized you from elsewhere before it dawned on me. In true NY fashion, I simply smiled, blushed, and quickly walked by.
You really stand out in a crowd and it seems like deep down the heart matches the looks. I hope you can get through these hard times and find peace and serenity in friends and family.
the link in my space does not work as usual; here is the link, copy and paste from here.
http://www.jq2002ca.com/Rhodes_00.html
hope this time it works,'
big hug, bruno
you were born with a very difficult Saturn..no one has told you how to exist in the outside world...venus square pluto ( sex for money) is also a big problem
Wow sir Erik, that blog....it's very astounding! You showed something that most humans tend to hide, an avoid exposing! Dare I say you took a dauntless risk and showed a vulnerable side of you there. I must say when something profound of the heart is expressed in such manner,the feeling one gets is...well I can't find the word to describe it! All I can say is "You're a genuine person at heart, don't let life bring you down"!
Smile =]
You said in a previous post that you read all the comments, heres hoping you read this. I truly hope for the best for you. I just spent the past 2 hours reading your blog from the start, it made me laugh (no, not at you). Thanks, I was feeling down and you made me feel better by letting me laugh and enjoy some interesting moments in your life - thanks for sharing.
Don't be afraid to let something spectacular happen to you...
James, I was away for a moment. I am so happy to see you haven't quite slipped away just yet. :)
You have great taste in music..
It seems like you need some people in your ilfe, not a boyfriend, you need friends who support you and are there for you in times of need... Friends are the best way to feel better... not therapists, not drugs, not necessarily a boyfriend. You need a real friend.
You sound like a wonderful person with a big heart and a deep personality. You're better than porn, for sure.
stupid question to ask but nowhere else to ask. i was just wondering if they'd cut your part from dedication? i just saw it and didn't see you. just curious. and again good to see you moving on.
Skimming through your blog, I got such a sense of depression and negativity. I felt you were whining and criticizing everything... if you don't like the gym, change! Act on it, don't be a victim... or just stop caring about total strangers!
I don't know you (never would I pretend to even distantly know you and I'm sure I don't know 1% of the facts that some of your fans do) but I have a sense that you have a good soul deep there. You're my age, yet your life is so different from mine but looking at those pics of you walking lonely in Central Park reminded me of how pleasurable and beautiful nature can be. I felt like inviting you to Montreal to just run on the Mt-Royal mountain, walk through Jarry Park, swim at the Olympic stadium, hike in Vermont, etc. You know, these really simple but nice things that connect you with yourself and make you feel alive.
I feel you just need someone to hug you, to comfort you and to be there for you... without the obligations of a boyfriend, without the control of a client, without the superficiality of a producer, without the judgment of strangers who pretend to know you when they really don't.
I wish you to find one such person and I hope you won't throw yourself into the arms of the first one just to avoid loneliness.
Be happy! My best energies from Cirque du Soleil.
I love reading your blog. I thought I had demons. Could you post the songs and artists you play?
Your life choices suck but your music choices are really great. Keep kickin' it.
Holy Shit, Sweet boy, so I just finished June... Not really clear what all happened, crazy posts, and crazy comments... Again, grain of salt time...
The story so far... You've had alot going on this year... Ups and downs, highs and lows... The big picture... In every post the underlying subject was Danny, or someone to understand, comfort, or just be there for you... You started this blog while you were still with Danny... That being said, I don't think maybe you or anyone else that reads your blog, even your interpersonal relationships, those close to you, realize that divorcing, ending a relationship, breaking up, is actually the same as experiencing the death of someone close to you, if not worse... There is a finality with someone who has died... You can't embrace them, call them up to see how they are doing, cuddle with them... The living, well, they are here, you still have a connection with them, worry, care, wonder, regret, feel guilt about failure... To me, thats worse... If you would, Google the 7 stages of grieving... It may help to understand where your head is... The stages can last longer for some than others, come in different order, intensity, overlap, and return... Grain of Salt...
Love from Atlanta
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