Erik, you look soooo sad. It makes me sad. You look like you could use a hug. Me too. I love the rain. But it's so much better when you are in someone else's arms. Take care. There are people in this world that care about you. I don't know you at all (obviously), but hang in there kid. You are in my thoughts.
WELL HAVING TO FEEL LIKE IM LOOSING MY MIND ABD THINKING OF ALL THE WAYS TO END MY LIFE RECENTLY, YOUR BLOG MADE ME REALIZE WE ALL HAVE ISSUES AND IT MADE ME FEEL LESS ALONE SO I THANK YOU AND U ARE IN MY PRAYERS.IM JUST A DAMAGED BOY ANF YOUR BLOG HELPED ME DO THANK YOU...
James, I'm going to resist the temptation to feel sad for you because I know that in the bigger picture you are figuring things out. Sooner or later (I'm definitely hoping for sooner) you're going to finally understand that you are not broken, nor have you ever been.
As you start to come to that realization, you'll finally start seeing all those things you haven't been able to let yourself have, you'll see that you've never been alone and you never will be. Maybe that realization comes all at once, maybe in smaller steps, but without a doubt it is coming and it will be beautiful to behold.
There is so much love for you, James. It's not going anywhere, it's just out there waiting for you. You're gonna be ok, even if the road is rough right now. Don't be afraid to ask for what you're truly needing.
a good listener is someone who allows you to talk and babble on about what going on in your head and heart. they may not have any answers for you or any feedback. they just know how to let you talk.
BUT...
sometimes i get so mad at you that i want to slap you hard and tell you to stop being such a whiny fag. you're only 20 fucking 6 years old. you're good looking and sorry to wise you up on this but for most of us on the scene that is all there is. its looks and surfaces. anything behind it is boring and of no consequence.
hey life is not all roses and chocolates and happy sunsets. its a fucking big angry cunt and it bites.
stop being so damn bitter about all the mistakes you've made. stop expecting everyone around to give two shits about how you feel.
to them you are ERIK RHODES SEX GOD PORN STAR and nothing else.
and for the last fucking time increase the damn font size of your blog. if i have to get new glasses because of all the squinting i do to read it i'm coming over to the USA with the damn bill.
that said HUGE MASSIVE HUGS to you as you damn well need them
hi James, download and listen to #7 especially....do not watch JS, it is depressing.... The rain can be soothing(do not know in NYC but here in the countryside it sometimes is.)
James, I came across your blog and decided to read it. I understand that it can be very diheartening when there is no one that will really listen to what you have to say. It is hard for people to separate James from Erik Rhodes. I am willing to listen to what you have to say James. I am not going to pretend that I know who you are as a person. No one can know who you are by what you write. People think that because you are attractive and a popular porn star that you have it all. I believe that is the furthest thing from the truth, I think that you are seeking love and acceptance but from all the wrong places. I think that by writing a blog that is available to the world that you are hoping that there will be someone out there that will listen to what you have to say. I am not a big fan of porn ( I have never seen any of your films) but I want you to know that I am sincere when I say that I care about what you have to say whether it is about life or the weather. My goal in life is to complete my degree in psychology and reach out to the people that want and need to be heard. I am not a psychologist yet but just a person that wants to reach out to someone that wants to be heard. I am here if you want to talk. Believe me when I say that I understand what it is like to want to be heard. Take care. Ken
Well it seems that a lot of the responses have been a kind of snap out of it kinda thing and people dont understand that some people that suffer from these issues have a hard time getting through the day and it is a daiy struggle . It is like your mind is a prison.
Reading your posts ... I kind of recognize things that were similar in my old life. What you need is a new start ... and you can neer truly start over while staying in the same place. I relocated to Florida. Sunny weather keeps me upbeat & optimistic. Maybe that's something you should think about.
It annoys the crap out of me when people do the "snap out of it" crap with people who are clinically depressed. It is not just as easy as "stop thinking about yourself blah blah blah"
There is a lot of guilt and shame that goes along with depression because one intellectually understands that yes, things could always be worse and yes, having depression is a very self centered undertaking (point being it has to do only with you and no one else)
Also lets think about the fact that everyone is like "oh but you're a sex god and you're georgeous so how can you have any real problems, you can get any guy you want, get paid get laid etc." That also can lead to guilt in the form of, "I have so many gifts and positive things that are in my life like health, financial stability, youth, beauty and people who want good things for me but I still can't get out of this damn funk... and now I feel worse that I'm even in the funk to begin with because I know I shouldn't be! ... and the cycle continues.
But at the same time James, you are a grown man and you need to take some responsibility for your actions and moods. Why not try to go speak to a professional about what's going on, I know that being a porn star does not have the best benefits packages (besides a drug package but that's a "different" type of drug benefit) but maybe speak to a professional and if you cannot afford one or if financially , professional help is not a priority then try the GMHC (gay men's health crisis) it offers free one on one individual counseling by licensed professionals who can prescribe medication if necessary.
The help is out there, you just have to take a step to get it and that is part of being an adult. Depression or not, you can only blame your circumstances for so long until you realize that yes... you are in control (to a degree) and you can get some help.
I am not a doctor at all but do you think that maybe the GHB you have mentioned that you like to take along with any muscular "supplements" have any negative effect on your mental state?
It may be worth losing 20 lbs of muscle to feel better about your situation and self.
Hi, my name is justin and am new here. But i just wanted to tell you that no matter what ithink your a good guy. Life is the hardest thing to do because its not easy ittakes tie to master it. But, in my opinion i would be happy just to loo at your face and listen to you talk because ur a great guy.---justin
I need to add something. What I mean that this is what you're in right now but it doesn't necessary means that it'll last forever. Hopefully the next time when you post the similar clip, it'll be a totally different expression. A happy one
Hey Eric just want to show some love you have been one of my fav star. I read your intervew in unzipped and after that im know more turned on by you, this is because you are real have some of the same problems as us. Much love to you and if you ever in Orlando you have a place at my crib and a friend peace man.
Hey, I've been reading your blog for a while now and it seems like you are going through what most people your age go through when they are doing their own thing. You are still trying to figure out who you are and who you want to be and what you want to do with your life. I guess you also figure out who are your true friends and what kind of people you want to hang around. You're actually pretty normal. You are just going through some growing pains. You're leaving your crazy "i'm invisible, i'll never die" teens and early twenties and entering the "what the fuck am i doing with my life and what do i want to do with it?" phase. In many ways its good that you are questioning where you are in life and what you want out of it. If you don't do it now, then when? When you are too old to do something about it? You'll probably have another freak out when you turn 30. I know its only a number, but for some reason, you really feel it. I think you are on the right path to happiness though. Questioning everything is just the beginning.
Hey James. I'm surprised you get more comments from a little video than from an intense blog entry. But that's the internet for you. Do you like Lupe Fiasco btw?
Amazing view of you =) Nice shoot, guy! Is not so different for me, but I'm in another country, and it's somehow funny to see how people feel in the same way.
I've been reading your blog for awhile. Its so weird how I can totally relate to where you are in life, and yet we lead completely different lives. I hate reading all the condescending "snap out of it" comments.
If you've never suffered from chronic clinical depression, you'll never understand it. There is no logic behind it. You're just unhappy sometimes for no reason at all. You could be rich beyond belief, have more friends than you know what to do with, have not a care in the world, and yet still feel like shit and that life isn't worth living. Its not something you can "just snap out of" because trust me you would if you could.
It's as absurd and insulting as telling a gay guy to just cut it out and be straight cause life would be easier. It just doesn't work that way.
I've been working on my depression and my life for several years now. Its a long and difficult process, but the improvements to my life make it worth it. Best of luck to you James. I really enjoy reading your blog and I look forward to reading your future posts. My thoughts and hopes are with you.
Any thoughts on Falcon firing Todd Montgomery? Did you like him or was he an asshole? It seems like it was probably a good move since their movies seem to have been suffering recently (your scenes excluded of course). But it seems like a shakeup might be a good thing for Falcon, no?
I LOVE those Pepperidge Farm Milano double-choc cookies too! Me and you, same same, James. Always buy Pepperidge Farms. Or Mrs. Fields white choc macadamia. OMG.
I was watching The Incredibles the other night. Normally, female superheros—not so much. But I have to say Holly Hunter (the mom) was rockin' the shit in that. Anyway, Mr. Super's (the dad) physique reminded me of yours.
Hey Erik....I met you tonight at Sidetrack and decided to google you and found your blog. I find myself engrossed by your postings and your honesty. I had to let you know that i just appreciate and respect that you allow all the raw details of your life out for everyone to see.
do ever talk on these things. Not that I don"t enjoy looking at you bruding for ten min. Every one seems to think your so sad. Is that what you want them to think. We all have a million things going on in are heads at any given moment and at least you can gather up something to put out there. Your life and you physical apprence are such as they are is interesting at least and an dangeous at best and aren't other peoples dangerous or odd behavior what fasinates people and sell millions of magazines movies shows. Others people lives are speculative at most but there is no denying what you put out is yours and we don"t have to pay for it. Someone one else pays for that privalidge and we just sit here an reap the benefits of how twisted other peoples demands on you can be not to mention the f---up shit you pile upon yourself.
Dude, we come here to hear about your sexual exploits, so either spill it or maybe you just need someone like me to spice things up enough that you can't help but...well, you know
In this video, you look like a hybrid bad boy, thug, mean boy, rapper, killer, sexy macho, and a sensitive, desperate romantic... can I marry you? I'm free Tuesday July1 and the July 10th, are you? :)
I know you're reading this, Mister Erik... so smile and all the best, good boy!
40 comments:
the weather today just blew, but this has been a trying week for me...and now it is COLD outside.
Erik, you look soooo sad. It makes me sad. You look like you could use a hug. Me too. I love the rain. But it's so much better when you are in someone else's arms. Take care. There are people in this world that care about you. I don't know you at all (obviously), but hang in there kid. You are in my thoughts.
the song in the backgroud is fire! who sings it?
btw,
happiness is not by chance, but by choice. - i heard that somewhere before.
works for me.
later dude!
WELL HAVING TO FEEL LIKE IM LOOSING MY MIND ABD THINKING OF ALL THE WAYS TO END MY LIFE RECENTLY, YOUR BLOG MADE ME REALIZE WE ALL HAVE ISSUES AND IT MADE ME FEEL LESS ALONE SO I THANK YOU AND U ARE IN MY PRAYERS.IM JUST A DAMAGED BOY ANF YOUR BLOG HELPED ME DO THANK YOU...
The rain might be depressing - Jerry Springer is, for sure.
James, I'm going to resist the temptation to feel sad for you because I know that in the bigger picture you are figuring things out. Sooner or later (I'm definitely hoping for sooner) you're going to finally understand that you are not broken, nor have you ever been.
As you start to come to that realization, you'll finally start seeing all those things you haven't been able to let yourself have, you'll see that you've never been alone and you never will be. Maybe that realization comes all at once, maybe in smaller steps, but without a doubt it is coming and it will be beautiful to behold.
There is so much love for you, James. It's not going anywhere, it's just out there waiting for you. You're gonna be ok, even if the road is rough right now. Don't be afraid to ask for what you're truly needing.
a good listener is someone who allows you to talk and babble on about what going on in your head and heart. they may not have any answers for you or any feedback. they just know how to let you talk.
BUT...
sometimes i get so mad at you that i want to slap you hard and tell you to stop being such a whiny fag. you're only 20 fucking 6 years old. you're good looking and sorry to wise you up on this but for most of us on the scene that is all there is. its looks and surfaces. anything behind it is boring and of no consequence.
hey life is not all roses and chocolates and happy sunsets. its a fucking big angry cunt and it bites.
stop being so damn bitter about all the mistakes you've made. stop expecting everyone around to give two shits about how you feel.
to them you are ERIK RHODES SEX GOD PORN STAR and nothing else.
and for the last fucking time increase the damn font size of your blog. if i have to get new glasses because of all the squinting i do to read it i'm coming over to the USA with the damn bill.
that said HUGE MASSIVE HUGS to you as you damn well need them
all the best Nosher
hi James, download and listen to #7 especially....do not watch JS, it is depressing.... The rain can be soothing(do not know in NYC but here in the countryside it sometimes is.)
http://rapidshare.com/files/113241150/Carole_King_-_Tapestry.rar
hugs, Bruno
oops! sorry I forgot to include the password' here it is :
m401
James,
I came across your blog and decided to read it. I understand that it can be very diheartening when there is no one that will really listen to what you have to say. It is hard for people to separate James from Erik Rhodes. I am willing to listen to what you have to say James. I am not going to pretend that I know who you are as a person. No one can know who you are by what you write. People think that because you are attractive and a popular porn star that you have it all. I believe that is the furthest thing from the truth, I think that you are seeking love and acceptance but from all the wrong places. I think that by writing a blog that is available to the world that you are hoping that there will be someone out there that will listen to what you have to say. I am not a big fan of porn ( I have never seen any of your films) but I want you to know that I am sincere when I say that I care about what you have to say whether it is about life or the weather. My goal in life is to complete my degree in psychology and reach out to the people that want and need to be heard. I am not a psychologist yet but just a person that wants to reach out to someone that wants to be heard. I am here if you want to talk. Believe me when I say that I understand what it is like to want to be heard. Take care.
Ken
Well it seems that a lot of the responses have been a kind of snap out of it kinda thing and people dont understand that some people that suffer from these issues have a hard time getting through the day and it is a daiy struggle . It is like your mind is a prison.
haha, love it.
Reading your posts ... I kind of recognize things that were similar in my old life.
What you need is a new start ... and you can neer truly start over while staying in the same place. I relocated to Florida. Sunny weather keeps me upbeat & optimistic.
Maybe that's something you should think about.
marc @ 10:37 AM = Dr. Phil
i love UNKLE
It annoys the crap out of me when people do the "snap out of it" crap with people who are clinically depressed. It is not just as easy as "stop thinking about yourself blah blah blah"
There is a lot of guilt and shame that goes along with depression because one intellectually understands that yes, things could always be worse and yes, having depression is a very self centered undertaking (point being it has to do only with you and no one else)
Also lets think about the fact that everyone is like "oh but you're a sex god and you're georgeous so how can you have any real problems, you can get any guy you want, get paid get laid etc." That also can lead to guilt in the form of, "I have so many gifts and positive things that are in my life like health, financial stability, youth, beauty and people who want good things for me but I still can't get out of this damn funk... and now I feel worse that I'm even in the funk to begin with because I know I shouldn't be! ... and the cycle continues.
But at the same time James, you are a grown man and you need to take some responsibility for your actions and moods. Why not try to go speak to a professional about what's going on, I know that being a porn star does not have the best benefits packages (besides a drug package but that's a "different" type of drug benefit) but maybe speak to a professional and if you cannot afford one or if financially , professional help is not a priority then try the GMHC (gay men's health crisis) it offers free one on one individual counseling by licensed professionals who can prescribe medication if necessary.
The help is out there, you just have to take a step to get it and that is part of being an adult. Depression or not, you can only blame your circumstances for so long until you realize that yes... you are in control (to a degree) and you can get some help.
I am not a doctor at all but do you think that maybe the GHB you have mentioned that you like to take along with any muscular "supplements" have any negative effect on your mental state?
It may be worth losing 20 lbs of muscle to feel better about your situation and self.
All the best
Hi, my name is justin and am new here. But i just wanted to tell you that no matter what ithink your a good guy. Life is the hardest thing to do because its not easy ittakes tie to master it. But, in my opinion i would be happy just to loo at your face and listen to you talk because ur a great guy.---justin
I'd like to email you something....
but prefer not to put it in commments
email is damientc@xtra.co.nz
is about depression and life's avenues.
Thanks Mate.
Damien
Probably I over-analyzed and think your facial expression pretty much sums you life up.
I need to add something. What I mean that this is what you're in right now but it doesn't necessary means that it'll last forever. Hopefully the next time when you post the similar clip, it'll be a totally different expression. A happy one
Hey Eric just want to show some love you have been one of my fav star. I read your intervew in unzipped and after that im know more turned on by you, this is because you are real have some of the same problems as us. Much love to you and if you ever in Orlando you have a place at my crib and a friend peace man.
Hey, I've been reading your blog for a while now and it seems like you are going through what most people your age go through when they are doing their own thing. You are still trying to figure out who you are and who you want to be and what you want to do with your life. I guess you also figure out who are your true friends and what kind of people you want to hang around. You're actually pretty normal. You are just going through some growing pains. You're leaving your crazy "i'm invisible, i'll never die" teens and early twenties and entering the "what the fuck am i doing with my life and what do i want to do with it?" phase. In many ways its good that you are questioning where you are in life and what you want out of it. If you don't do it now, then when? When you are too old to do something about it? You'll probably have another freak out when you turn 30. I know its only a number, but for some reason, you really feel it. I think you are on the right path to happiness though. Questioning everything is just the beginning.
hmm. what's going on in that head of yours? you seem to be on another world.
C'mon mate - gimme an email.
Hi James -
I can't improve on what Marc said - he summed it up perfectly.
Stay strong, and don't be afraid to ask for what you need.
Hey. Calm Down Baby is a great track, thanks for introducing that to me.
Hey James. I'm surprised you get more comments from a little video than from an intense blog entry. But that's the internet for you. Do you like Lupe Fiasco btw?
Ok- I see someone asked about the song playing but I don't see a response.
So anyone know who it is?
Amazing view of you =) Nice shoot, guy!
Is not so different for me, but I'm in another country, and it's somehow funny to see how people feel in the same way.
I've been reading your blog for awhile. Its so weird how I can totally relate to where you are in life, and yet we lead completely different lives. I hate reading all the condescending "snap out of it" comments.
If you've never suffered from chronic clinical depression, you'll never understand it. There is no logic behind it. You're just unhappy sometimes for no reason at all. You could be rich beyond belief, have more friends than you know what to do with, have not a care in the world, and yet still feel like shit and that life isn't worth living. Its not something you can "just snap out of" because trust me you would if you could.
It's as absurd and insulting as telling a gay guy to just cut it out and be straight cause life would be easier. It just doesn't work that way.
I've been working on my depression and my life for several years now. Its a long and difficult process, but the improvements to my life make it worth it. Best of luck to you James. I really enjoy reading your blog and I look forward to reading your future posts. My thoughts and hopes are with you.
Justin
Any thoughts on Falcon firing Todd Montgomery? Did you like him or was he an asshole? It seems like it was probably a good move since their movies seem to have been suffering recently (your scenes excluded of course). But it seems like a shakeup might be a good thing for Falcon, no?
I LOVE those Pepperidge Farm Milano double-choc cookies too! Me and you, same same, James. Always buy Pepperidge Farms. Or Mrs. Fields white choc macadamia. OMG.
I was watching The Incredibles the other night. Normally, female superheros—not so much. But I have to say Holly Hunter (the mom) was rockin' the shit in that. Anyway, Mr. Super's (the dad) physique reminded me of yours.
Hey Erik....I met you tonight at Sidetrack and decided to google you and found your blog. I find myself engrossed by your postings and your honesty. I had to let you know that i just appreciate and respect that you allow all the raw details of your life out for everyone to see.
do ever talk on these things. Not that I don"t enjoy looking at you bruding for ten min. Every one seems to think your so sad. Is that what you want them to think.
We all have a million things going on in are heads at any given moment and at least you can gather up something to put out there. Your life and you physical apprence are such as they are is interesting at least and an dangeous at best and aren't other peoples dangerous or odd behavior what fasinates people and sell millions of magazines movies shows. Others people lives are speculative at most but there is no denying what you put out is yours and we don"t have to pay for it. Someone one else pays for that privalidge and we just sit here an reap the benefits of how twisted other peoples demands on you can be not to mention the f---up shit you pile upon yourself.
To think we know you is to think love ya
Dude, we come here to hear about your sexual exploits, so either spill it or maybe you just need someone like me to spice things up enough that you can't help but...well, you know
Congrats on the award, babe. Hope you're happy, you should be proud.
Hey Congratulations on winning the Grabbys! You won! You won! Best versatile performer! Congratulations
In this video, you look like a hybrid bad boy, thug, mean boy, rapper, killer, sexy macho, and a sensitive, desperate romantic... can I marry you? I'm free Tuesday July1 and the July 10th, are you? :)
I know you're reading this, Mister Erik... so smile and all the best, good boy!
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