down and up, down and up, down...
So without trying to hard i think i destroyed another relationship/friendship/just someone who made me smile and was great to cuddle with,ship. Of course, it being work related. I think its hard for someone to understand, since i have alot of free time, that when work comes up, unfortunately, i need to work regardless of plans and everything else. Most of the time they don't understand and i get the guilt trip. Those good ol' goddamn guilt trips. Like I'm some soulless monster that doesn't feel bad to enough to begin with. Nothing like laying it on thick so i can feel bad the whole time I'm working, ya know, suck all the fucking fun out of something i don't like doing in the first place. To top it all of with a ruined relationship when i get home.
But, to be honest I'm not even sure if its ruined, at the same time its to fresh to want to even argue. So instead, i just shut down. Since the day in question, i have yet to receive a text or a phone call, and I'm way to far of a pussy to make that leap, to be 100 percent honest, I'm just afraid of getting the guilt trip. Shit, my parent wonder why i never pick up their phone calls. Its just guilt trip after guilt trip. I've had enough.
That's one of the reason why being single has been so good to me so far. No one to bitch at me. Instead of bitching i just i have come across this new and pretty pathetic trend of men, (and just not gross ones) throwing themselves at me by offering themselves up to just basically service me however i want.
I'm confused by however. The first thought that comes into my head is "I wonder if this dude will shave my back?" Every time i ask my brother to do it, he bitchs the whole way thru, so i know its not a fun job and surely sounds like service to me.
Anyways, i can't be more turned off by this. However, if i am extremely horny and i lose my morals, this is the type of person i will undoubtedly treat like shit. Pump and dump their face and not even let them shower before i ask them to leave. So thanks for the offers dudes, but no thanks.
Yes, i do porn, but the easiest way to my heart and to get me in the sack is thru some good Italian food and a movie. It normally works, unless the food is bad and the movie sucks. Well... then you'll just be in for a night of me bitching. LOL.
So a bunch of people have been asked me how the Atmosphere concert was. Well to me it was like having a great soundtrack and an amazing performance while sitting in a pit of hell.
While i stood around for the 2 and a half hours while the worse DJ on the planet force fed us exactly why today's commercial hip hop is such garbage, i got to cruise the crowd and the insanely hot wanna be white gangsters that came to see atmosphere perform. In my head i hoped for one of them to come up to me and say "omg I know who you are". I didn't happen. Apparently as hot as they were, this was not my crowd. LOL. I kinda felt like that old perverted fag that parents warn their children about, cuz i couldn't help wanting to ass rape a hot drunk gangster in the bathroom. That also didn't happen. After the awful DJ ended his set, me and my friend went and got food assuming atmosphere wasn't coming on for awhile. When we got back the opening act, Abstract Rude got on stage. I heard about him, but never gave him the time, so i was happy to listen...to be honest anything was better than that fucking DJ at this point. Abstract Rude however being better than the DJ, was a disappointment. The beats were standard and his rhymes lacked creativity with the typical raps about weed and why he is better than then the next guy. Then about a half hour in, this amazing beat comes on, which has me totally surprised. Okay Abstract Rude's rhymes weren't gonna get any better but this beat was dope. I thought, this had to be the high point... Atmosphere has to be coming up next. "Thanks Abstract, for saving us from that DJ and giving us one decent song, NOW GET THE FUCK OFF THE STAGE SO WE CAM ENJOY SOME TRUE TALENT", i thought. But no. Every high point has to come back a low point right?, well... in my world it does. So Abstract Rude tortured us after his only good song with about 3 or 4 more painful tracks filled with every rap cliche known to man. After that and me desperately holding myself back from starting to drink, and not just to drink but drinking to get fucking shit face drunk. Atmosphere finally made it on stage with a full band in tow.
Normally i want my rap to the rap I'm used to. A bunch broke guys making beat and stealing amazing samples from a computer and turntable, That's it. The whole live band thing, wanna-be Roots like bullshit? Not really my thing. I wasn't sure whether i was gonna like this.
Was i ever wrong. I'm not sure if i was just hypnotised by Slug's rapping but all the beats sounded the same and as an added bonus instead of using the samples _like i normally like)they had a female vocalist there to do all the samples Live and She fucking rocked. I could go track by track, but i will not bore you guys. But he did play a great combination of my old favorites and new material, either way i was rapping along to every song and probley looked like an old juice head who is trying to relive his youth but fuck it, i didn't care. Plus i took position right behind probely the hottest wanna be gangster in the whole crowd and just enjoyed myself. Ultimately it was a great fucking show. All the garbage in the beginning was worth the wait.
Oh yeah. Of course the next day i finally got a couple messages on my myspace from kids who were at the show but were with there friends and couldn't say anything to me since they were closeted. I knew there had to be some.(to bad it wasn't the hot one i stood behind, damn James you cant have them all)
Shit worth listeing to...
37 comments:
James,
Sorry to hear about the drama. Just keep in mind that you've spent a lot of time beating yourself about how you hate being in the porn industry, so it shouldn't be a surprise when that same attitude gets reflected back at you -- it's your own belief showing up in your experience. That's how Law of Attraction works. See, you're better at the whole "The Secret" thing than you thought.
Don't panic. Instead of beating up on yourself for still being in porn or for ruining another relationship, or resenting the new guy for not understanding, let him and yourself off the hook.
Make peace with the fact that you're still in the industry for the time being. You know you won't be in it forever and it does pay the bills at the moment. If you can't change it right now, you might as well let yourself be ok with the way things are. The alternative is to live in misery and make it harder to make it out of the industry.
The better you get at doing that, the more likely that the new guy will come around... and if he doesn't come around, you'll be much closer to finding someone who wants you for being you instead of trying to manipulate you into becoming the person they want you to be.
Glad the concert went well!
So I read the blog like I normally do and maybe he did not to mean to give you a guilt trip after all. You said you were enjoying spending time with this guy, watching bad tv and cuddling and I am sure you did some talking and getting to know each other. Maybe he just was so into you and enjoyed very minute being with you and did not want to end. So he was disappointed...
You know what I would do, Id call him and talk and try to explain things. Sometimes it sucks when you have to swallow your pride and make the first move but if you like him and have been enjoying how things have gone what harm could calling him and explaining things do ? If he bitches he bitches but at least you would be giving him an olive branch you know ? Hell you could even go as far as saying...
You know I like you and enjoy spending time with you and the way things are going but, (and then explain your work schedule)
I hate the waiting game, I hate waiting for a text or a call and while I don't always make the first move...if you want results sometimes you have to get the ball running. Hey at least its my opinion.
Hang in there!
Ugh God...see the moment you start having me believe you are some misunderstood guy going through personal problems and just want someone to be there for u...you write some shit like this that shows how you are just a regular asshole porn star. I really for a second was starting to feel like you were a good guy..
So what some dude wanted more time with you? You expect people to accept you getting fucked in the ass for a living but still want to be around for you when you want. Then you write in here how you will treat people like shit if you feel they will do what you want. Gimme a break. This whole post just turned me off from reading any more about you. You seem to enjoy the horrible life you lead so there is no reason for people to keep coming back here to watch you bitch and moan about it
Relationships are delicate sometimes, and I completely understand about the guilt trip thing. I live away from my family for the very same reason, that and the nagging.
Give it some time. Oh, and go see Iron Man if you haven't yet.
Best of luck.
You SHAVE your back???!!! James, get it waxed!
It's interesting that you always claim that you want to blend in with the crowd when you go out and yet, when you do (at the concert) you don't like it.
Hmmmmmmmmm.
You are too hard on yourself, James, and the fact that you have to break some promise or change some plan has actually NOTHING to do to the fact that you work in the gay porn industry. It would be the same if you were a salesperson, a military, a straight cinema actor or even a simple waiter in a restaurant ( and you were asked to work overtime).
I agree with some other commentators; you should forget your pride and prejudices and take the first step and call the guy; if he is not ready to accept you for what you are and the job you do, it is better to know it clearly and openly, than to live in the uncertainty.
And the fact that somebody accepts to shave your back(I believe you are referring to a particular part of it) may it means that that person wants just to be your friend and FRIENDS( without having to be sexually involved with you) do things for friends even if that may not be pleasant. Brothers do things and bitch about it; Real friends do it and smile.
I am too old and live too far or I will treat you to some real Italian food, some good film and maybe even a shave without asking you to share my bed.
So, james return your parents phone calls, they call you because they love you, unconditionally.
stop beating yourself up and start to learn a skill that you could use once you will be out of your actual profession.
A big hug, kiddo, You have a lot of friends that like me care for you even if had never met you.
Ciao, Bruno
hang in there, dude.
Did you download the new nin yet?
have you ever dated or considered dating another porn star? it could make things easier.
Hi James -
Sorry to hear about this, man. But, you already knew that the potential existed for this problem to come up, right? Now, it's up to you to decide how to handle it.
Tim may be right in saying that the guy didn't necessarily mean to lay a guilt trip on you. You seem to wear your heart on your sleeve, and maybe he does the same. It can be a fine line at times, but showing disappointment doesn't necessarily mean the beginning of a guilt trip. Maybe you owe it to yourself - and to him - to find out?
I'm assuming that the guy knew who he was getting involved with, and as such, he had to be realistic about the unpredictable schedule. But, he is human, and if plans were cancelled in order for you to work, he may just have felt very let down. If this is meant to work out, you'll both need to make some concessions, as long as you're still in the business - that's the simple fact of the matter. But, you can't come up with a compromise if you both maintain your silence.
It's an annoying fact, but there are likely to be times when all of us will need to make compromises when work, whatever it might be, gets involved. As JG2002 wrote, the porn industry is hardly the only one which might require last minute schedule changes. Doctors, real estate agents, people working for airlines or insurance companies - any of those (and many more) could get called on by work at inconvenient times. My point here is for you not to assume that it's necessarily related to the porn industry. It's possible that the issue is related to the type of work you do, but it's equally possible that it's not.
Yes, it is hard to make the first move. The question is, is this potential relationship worth enough to you to try to work something out? That's for you to decide. It might work, and might not, but do you want to at least attempt to find out before cutting off contact completely?
This leads to another question: If you're looking at getting out of porn, have you made any moves toward a new career in another field? Do the calls you avoid from your parents have to do with your work? (It seems like a logical assumption, but you never know...)It might be easier to let the guilt trips roll off your back if you could counter it with some concrete moves toward something new. At the same time, your parents do love you, or else they would have just written you off, right? Just remember that they are concerned for your welfare, and maybe that sometimes just comes across in a less-than-desirable way.
Finding that you're made to feel guilty by the people close to you might actually be an indication of how you feel about yourself. If you feel guilty about what you're doing, then you're more likely to feel that others are trying to make you feel guilty about it, as well. As Marc wrote, it's the Law of Attraction - if you feel guilt already, you're more likely to attract that from others.
James, you aren't a soulless monster, and you're not a pussy, either. Maybe you need to focus more on what's good about James, and that will get others to recognize those same qualities. You know you have a good heart. Focus on that, and you may find that others will do the same.
And, by the way, I shave my partner's back regularly. It's not that big a deal - there's really nothing to it. But, it is an intimate thing to ask someone to do for you. It makes sense to wonder if someone new would shave your back for you.
Stay strong, and have a great day!
of course i downloaded the new nin, i have listened to it 15 times already. I love it.
Dude. In life we all make choices and you need to accept the fact that your choices determine your path. No one is forcing you to do porn. No one is forcing you to choose porn over a relationship. It's ok - it's a struggle. But stop whining dude. Turn on the television or pick up a newspaper to see just how bad your life COULD be. You want a better life then you have to make better choices. Someone in your life needs to have the balls to sit you down look you in the eye and tell you to grow the fuck up. Peace.
Two comments. First, a guy who gives you puppy dog eyes and will do anything for you isn't bf material, he's slave material. Either decide that's what you want (and u get to treat them like shit all u want PLUS unlimited back shaves) or grow up some and realize that it's not all about you. And second, if you really want to get into a meaningful relationship, it's pretty simple, find a job other than being a whore. [Gotta chuckle at all the commentors who think that your "drop everything for a job" is about filming porn.] Jeez.
Oh and gotta love the fact that you stood behind a hottie at the concert and didn't have the balls to do anything about it. Welcome to the world that the rest of us guys live in. Maybe you'll remember that the next time a "troll" does have the balls to approach you somewhere.
It's really all about the new VHS or Beta. All these beats and raps bands are like Sleeping Beauty tired.
PS - Bruno - I'm going to be in Canada on business. Since this Eric room of yours is really REALLY just gathering dust, you think I can use it for hook ups for a couple days? I want some of that spaghetti too - if you keep it for Eric it'll just look like the rare steak Christina Crawford wouldn't eat in Mommy Dearest.
I'll also need a taint shave.
Word up. thx.
I was reading your blog and listening to City and Colour at the same time. And Sensible Heart comes on and couldn't help but realize how the lyrics mimics what you're going through. One thing I realized growing up is music will always be there. It helps you relate, cope, deal, and get over issues you have in life.
Regarding that guy you're into. Just know we are selfish creatures, and the guy seems to be selfish regarding your lifestyle. It's funny how these guys want you even when they know what you do. They're like chicks going out with guys thinking they can "change" them. The only person you should change for is yourself, there is nothing wrong with what you do, only if you see a problem with what you do. You're a grown ass man, no reason to compromise yourself for anyone. Drugs, sex, porn, etc. Anything in excess is bad. Take it in stride and fuck those who try to judge and change you, and love the ones that don't.
Sensible Heart
I get so distracted
By some peoples reactions
That I don't see my own faults
For what they are
For what they are
At times so self destructive
With no intent or motive
But behind this emotion,
There lies a sensible heart
A sensible heart
See I'm no king
I wear no crown
But desperate times
Seem over now
But still I weaken somehow
It tears me apart
It tears me apart
I hope to learn as time goes by
That I should trust what's deep inside
Burning bright, oh burning bright
My sensible heart
My sensible heart
My sensible heart
My sensible heart
booooooo guilt and emotions
;)
Shit dude, I'll shave our back.
Me? I'd want a guy I could do nothing with. Someone I liked enough to be boring with. Most of this life is about making noise. A guy I can be quiet with, thats hot. But no luck here. I think work gets in the way here too. Hell, its a single life... no complaints here. Just gets a little lonely from time to time... i'm a simple guy, hell I'd settle for a back trim once in a while over mind altering sex every night. I'm sick of twisting into yoga positions trying not to cut myself up to shreds, yeah that's when I miss a boyfriend most... and although waxing sounds like a good idea, my back is not a vagina...
Hey work is work and you have to pay the bills so don't feel guilty just cause someone wants you too. You understand your situation better than anybody else does.
Still, you might want to try calling him or texting him. Just a little "Hey, how are you? I'm thinking of you" kind of thing, except in not those words cause that's awkward and kind of clingy. :P
...crap, I can't remember what else I was going to say....
Erik,
Have you ever tried dating a fellow porn star/escort in the exact, same position as you?
I've seen couples like that work and be much more understanding about having to take jobs on the fly.
Sounds like the show was pretty great... wish they would come to ATL!!!
Guilt is a tricky thing because sometimes guilt is what you hear rather what is said. I was raised on guilt and for years that was how my parents controlled me. I eventually got to the point where if anyone was trying to make me feel guilty about even the smallest thing, they would get anger instead because I was done going on guilt trips.
I have been with the same guy for going on 9 years and I have learned that my reaction to "guilt" was often more my reaction to him expressing disappointment over my cancelling plans. For the first few years, I was in grad school and would often cancel plans to study or catch up on sleep and when he would tell me that he was upset or disappointed I would get all kinds of angry and tell him off...etc..my inner black woman would get all kinds of pist!
We even broke up for a few weeks because I felt like I had to choose between him and school. During that time it became obvious to me that I wanted him and the only reason he was "quilting me down" was that he wanted the same thing.
It really came down to me being able to accept him being upset and not take it as him trying to manipulate me the way my parents did.
That is what guilt is about...control and most people don't like being controlled.
However, it is possible for someone to be upset when you cancel on them simply because they want to spend time with you and have been looking forward to it. How you react to that is all on you though. It is okay that you may let someone down sometime because you are called to work, but you need to be able to discern between a guilt trip and disappointment. If you can't tell, it may be that you can't (or are unwilling) trust the person in question.
best o luck
iabe
ps
I shave my man's back and it is not my favorite activity but hey I love the hairy SOB
it seems like you are not sure if your friend/lover/ whatever is truly mad at you for working or not.
Maybe the guy is busy with his own stuff, or is as nervous to contact you as you are him. Also you mention that you don't want to be made to feel guilty about work when you don't even like what you are doing.
I wondered since you have spoken at length about your porn career ending soon what type of work did you have to do that you missed out on whatever event/situation that led to your misunderstanding with your friend? Also have you given any thought to what you want to do or start to do after you end your porn career?
Friends have misunderstandings and they get over them, usually as long as one or the other was not being completely malicious in the misunderstanding friends usually can come through that sort of thing pretty well.
All the best for you. And by the way, as a gross person I must say that I would never want to service you, I would completely want to dominate you. Fantasy includes grapefruit, orange, apple, dog collar, doggie bowl and lots of beer. use your imagination but the beer will have two uses and the fruits will not be eaten.
enjoy the nasty visual picture james. LOL
It's amazing how people treat you because of the industry you're in. I work in the retail end of adult and I get some weirdos let me tell you.
And you shouldn't expect people to treat you different because of what you do, it's a job like any other.
I thought there was a feature in blogspot where I could email you privately but there is not (that I know of after looking) so my curiosity is getting the better of me and I'll ask in the public area.
the guy that called you a whore and said that we are all idiots to think you were doing any work besides whoring made me think of a few things.
First, what was the longest duration of time you have ever spent with a client? How much did you charge for that time?
2. What is the strangest request a client has asked of you to do to him or them etc. Did you charge extra?
3. Do clients tip beyond regular payment? If so what is the biggest tip you have ever received (and don't say the tip that was attached to a 12 inch beer can thick cock LOL)
4. What has been the most extreme/weird thing you have allowed a client to do to YOU? What you charge them for it or were you actually into the request and kept your price point the same?
5. Do you have a price point system where you're spending time wth someone but in that time if they want something off the beaten path ie . watersports etc. Do you up the price or its all part of the time spent?
6. Ever get flown out somewhere to meet a client? Where is the farthest place you've been?
7. Naturally I know you can't say names (would be awesome if you did though) but have you ever been hired by any famous celebrities and were they complete freaks! *note, politicians don't count cause they are all closet cases... the republicans anyway.
8. And lastly , you have mentioned before how you got a "new lease on life" after you found out you were HIV negative and mentioned that you did some extreme things that could have gotten you in trouble back when you "didnt' give a shit"
How many differnt guys dropped loads in your ass over a 48 huur period of time?
are these questions rude... yeah
are they no ones business... yeah
but are they interesting? yeah
will they be answered... who knows
If anyone would answer these types of questions though, its definitely you James. If I totally offended you, my bad but I know that you are the most forth coming star out there and you aren't afraid of being honest so hell, I thought I'd give it a shot.
1. Quit the porn industry.
2. Move or make and maintain new none porn friends.
3. Sign up for real professional help.
4. Stop being the "diva" that you made up in your own mind.
5. Go to school and grow up like a real person instead of hating the current job you really love because of all the attention you have now from slime, I mean "fans".
Hi, Bro -
I haven't read your blog in a while - but looking forward to it. I have two suggestions - have you ever tried using light blue or yellow background colors for your website - it would be easier to read than black. Also, have you considered doing an audio recording of your blogs - mp3 file style. That way we can all enjoy your sexy voice too - :)
Another wishlist suggestion - to make your blog more "sticky" - you could give your loyal fans special Xtube access of your private moments when you wake up in the morning -
What do you think?
i know the point of wanting to get shit-faced drunk at a boring party all too well, haah, the atmosphere concert here was postponed or someshit, ah hell
g
your candor is endlessly fascinating.
pain of the mind is greater than pain of the body.
people can bury you in remedies and quick fixes.
i would only volunteer this
meditate on trascendence.
wahhhhh I'm a hot porn star......wahhhhhh....nobody really loves me they just wanna fuck.....wahhhhhh
you're better off than 99.9% of all the guys on earth because you're hot and you have a cock that works. Everybody is nice to you because you're hot. Eat candy, stop partying, and stop fucking for money if you're so upset. if you do, I guarantee you'll be even more depressed when you lose the little bit of celebrity you have and everyone treats you like a loser fat slob (i.e. invisible or detested).
That's too funny that you mentioned Atmosphere and The Roots. When I interned in the city, I met them. Both are very nice.
I hope all is well with ya.
"Peel off all those eyes and crawl into the dark,
You've poisoned all of your children to camouflage your scars.
Pray unto the splinters, pray unto your fear.
Pray your life was just a dream
the cut that never heals"
This isnt directed to this post, but i just read your entire blog for the first time, and this is what i thought of.
Hope it helps...it helped me.
James!!
Go see the movie, Ironman and look at the name tags (of the soldiers, one in particular)... you'll get a little surprise. Youll realize what i mean when u see it.
happy hunting,
Nick
i totally had the orange energy drink piss this morning..
i ended up trying to 'test' my sobriety again, and damn - relearned my lesson
Erik...
Just discovered your blog. I've been a big fan for a long time. Its nice to hear someone in your business bitch about the realities of it. Turns out, like everyone else, you've got a job and all the crap that goes along with it.
I've got a glamorous one too. I get to read the news on TV. Its great, but then again, its just a job. It has alot of crap surrounding it too. For what its worth,I'd take you to dinner at a nice Italian joint...take you to a move...hell, I'd even shave your back...if you shave mine. Take care. Russ
HI James,
My name is Sean. Slowly but surely becoming a fan of your blog. I always loved your movies, and to be honest, really like you more when i caught an interview with you. I really think you are funny as hell and very charismatic.
I recently read your interview in unzipped magazine. I'm not "porn obsessed" but when someone i like is on the cover, i'll grab it...
Anyway, it steered me to your blog, which is fucking refreshing as hell ! i fucking love your honesty.
Anyway, I admire you a lot. And would love to talk to you more, if possible...
I am going through/and went through some similar stuff in my life that you are going through and right now trying my best to get my life in order.
My biggest goals is to get back to the gym....i just joined and i am having such a hard time with it...
can you give me some advice on staying focused on working out/ dieting/ etc...
It just seems like every time i get my focus on, life gets in the way..
and my focus falls...
Depression...
Death...
Work...
Loneliness...
I know this all sounds silly, and i know you don't have all the answers but i thought you might have some advice...
If anything, just how to get motivated...
Email. seanapplegate@gmail.com
Thanks for listening,
Sean-Patrick
You might want to check out Imogen Heap..Crazy Brit chick with electronica flavor.
haha, guilt trips.... I use to be good for those. =P hmmm, the good ol' days. Sorry about your "spat" with your beau, hope things work out.
Sounds like you had fun at the Atmosphere concert... you should found me a wanna-be =(. lol You can't have them all.
ejames
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