They are not even listening...
(night)
I can sit here and try to explain myself to someone who seems so interested in knowing me and i feel like I must be speaking a different language. I have an ego. I am Erik Rhodes. I'm everyone else....Apparently your not even listening. I'm left holding my head like I'm insane. Maybe i can't even hear myself talking. Why can i not get through to anyone?
Its funny, i tried having conversations with people including Danny recently where, i can be right in the middle of telling a story or talking about my day, and i get cut off before i can even finish or even explain the validity of what I'm talking about. Kinda like they are not listening or they letting me know that they really don't care what I'm saying..... I don't ask, i just shut up and pretend i haven't said anything.... It seems to be happening more and more often and I'm not sure what it is. All i do know is that whatever I'm saying is obviously not important.. well at least when the words are coming out of my mouth, they just don't seem to hold any water.
Here people listen... well i thought they did.
A man stopped me on the street the other day to tell me that he was a reader of my blog. I thanked him and he went on to say "Your blog is so cool, YOU, are so cool". My first thought was "what a cool True Romance like reference", and then i thought... "cool? he is not even listening"
That's i all i want... just for someone to listen.
Maybe that's why i don't have many friends.. cause no one wants to listen. I curse to much, i complain to much, i don't have anything good to talk about. But maybe if you listened alittle harder you would see that there is so much more going on.
When no one listens are you really alive?
Goddamn it.
(morning)
A reader named Brian asked a bunch of questions regarding escorting. At first i thought he was a rude asshole and i still kinda do, but at the same time i have had so many crazy experiences, people seem to get a kick out of the stories, so I'll pretend to be nice....
First, what was the longest duration of time you have ever spent with a client? How much did you charge for that time?
Its always hard to be friends with a complete stranger for very long. So unless i get a good vibe from the person or they just let me do my own thing, i try not to stay long. I think longest i stayed with someone was a week in Miami. Since these situations can sometimes be terribly uncomfortable you better believe that i charge out the ass. I'm not sure how much i took home from that experience but i was able to pay my New York city rent for about 3 months from it.LOL.
2. What is the strangest request a client has asked of you to do to him or them etc. Did you charge extra?
What i have come to learn from being an escort is that Men can be fucking crazy! I have seen some of the weirdest fetishes. But i do not judge, Why? cuz I'm only 26, who knows what I'm gonna be into when I'm 40 something and wanna get off, ya know.
But as far the strangest request goes, of course it would be the grossest. I shit in a guys mouth. Sure it was disgusting and i needed to be drunk in order to do it. But just figure... i got paid to do something that would happen naturally anyways. I was in and out of there, 400 buck richer and i didn't even have to stick around while he ate it. Easy work if you ask me.
3. Do clients tip beyond regular payment? If so what is the biggest tip you have ever received (and don't say the tip that was attached to a 12 inch beer can thick cock LOL)
Yes some tip beyond the normal pay rate which i always find nice. Some have even tipped me in the thousands. Which is always nice to find out as you count your money in the cab ride home. Rule of thumb: Unless you are a trashy street walker or your client is high, you never count your money in front of them. Its rude and it always make the experience more personal for them.
As for a client with a huge cock... your goddamn right, that is a great tip for me. Getting paid to get pounded out by a huge dick never seems like work. It feels like stealing.
4. What has been the most extreme/weird thing you have allowed a client to do to YOU? What you charge them for it or were you actually into the request and kept your price point the same?
About 10 experiences instantly come to mind. I guess I'll talk about a few.
First would be a guy that was into spanking me. About 15 mins into it my ass was raw and i was starting to get pissed. I asked the guy to stop and we could do whatever else he wanted, just no more spanking. He agreed. Then spanked me again, He would say he was sorry... then do it again and again. I finally told him, "listen spank me again, I'm going to punch you in the face" he said okay, and spanked me again. I st oped put my cloths on and said i was done. He paid me. I walked out of there feeling worthless. This was the first time that escorting ever made me feel like shit. I have not worked for a person into spanking since.
The second would have to be this S/M scene. It was my first time meeting this guy and he asked if he could tie me up. Since I'm a bigger guy i figured, "yah, I'm sure i can get out of whatever this guy does to me anyways so, sure tie me up" Well by the time he was done with all his intricate knots i couldn't move. Then he put a black mask over my head and pushed me on the bed. It was the first time i thought i would be helpless if this guy wanted to kill me. But he didn't instead he put and electrode around my balls and one up my ass and began to shock the fuck out of me. I actually kinda liked it but couldn't get off cuz i thought that this was just foreplay before he butchers me. It was funny afterward as he untied me, he admitted that he had played beach volleyball with me on Fire Island and that the whole time he played that this was what he was fantasy going on in his head. I hold him i didn't remember him. i got paid and left.
The third, every time i tell someone about it, they ask if it was recorded. I was hired to be the white bottom of an 9 black guy gang bang. The only requirement was 9 inches or better. So there was 10, 11, 12 and me, high, ass up in the center of a freshly made up king size bed at the Waldorf Astoria. I got there at about 8pm and left at 10 the next morning when my ass had swoll itself shut. I got home and crawled into bed with my bf and wanted to die. But i was 5 grand richer.
5. Do you have a price point system where you're spending time with someone but in that time if they want something off the beaten path ie . water sports etc. Do you up the price or its all part of the time spent?
No price points. We come up with an hourly rate in case you go over that hour so you know after the hour you start to pay more. But if you cum in 15 mins... you pay the hour rate. As far as WS goes, i have made arrangements base on guys just coming over my place to drink my piss and leave. That's easy, but my piss still run about 250 bucks. So drink up!!!
6. Ever get flown out somewhere to meet a client? Where is the farthest place you've been?
Thanks to escorting i have been tons of place i never thought i would go. Flown on private jets and all that good shit. But Germany has been the farthest so far
7. Naturally I know you can't say names (would be awesome if you did though) but have you ever been hired by any famous celebrities and were they complete freaks! *note, politicians don't count cause they are all closet cases... the republicans anyway.
Yes, i even have cum in a few. But no, the names are in the vault. But yeah i think I've done more politicians than anything. The Republicans are the weirdest.
8. And lastly , you have mentioned before how you got a "new lease on life" after you found out you were HIV negative and mentioned that you did some extreme things that could have gotten you in trouble back when you "didn't give a shit"
How many different guys dropped loads in your ass over a 48 hour period of time?
Yeah i think we have all had our Dawson 40 load weekends fantasy, I'm know i have. Shit where do you think my dog got his name. But i don't know the answer to that question. I know i was in some bad situations where i was high and i just don't know. But i been tested since basically everything on this little Q and A and I'm clean as a whistle. Somehow. That why my escorting has basically slowed down to a crawl, it has to be worth it now.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
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65 comments:
Hi, James. the blog is not really the place to talkof private things;
too open to all sort of weirdos.
If you want to talk privately with someone and be heard, try my space and let's get on line, No cam, I have none, but I am a good listener, have a lot more years than you, on my shoulders and my few friends tell me I am not sanctimonious. and try to think before answering. I am not prude either, I can match you or whoever else in swearing and bad language, (in more than one)
Anyway, if you want, you know my address. You just have to do like humphrey bogart in "have and have not".
For now the only thing I can say is Ciao.
Bruno
Yeah, babe. At first I really thought you'd just ignore those questions. I don't think it's wise to publicly admit that you've done escorting and list your price rates. I hope it won't get you into any legal troubles.
It's nice for us to know more about what you did and the stories are interesting. But I think you might want to take the post down. Just worried.
I have been listening to you too, and although all of us have out own problems, it doesn't mean you're not a cool guy. Right?
OH for pete's sake, he can't get arrested for crap he's done in the past (except murder, robbery etc.) the whole point of prostitution being difficult to prosecute is because you have to get them to basically incriminate themselves before payment is given.
Any lawyers here? Set these guys straight.
Thanks James for answering the questions. I must say I find it refreshing and a bit intriguing that a guy such as yourself who says how anxiety ridden and not too confident etc. can talk so openly about very private and personal things?
I would think that one would have to be very comfortable with themselves to do that no? Maybe you have more confidence and self awareness than you think?
I was surprised that a black man gang bang was one of the oddest things you have had done to you? Was the guy who arranged this little get together a big dicked black man also? I'm picturing a whole squad of NBA players just banging you at the waldorf LOL.
So no one ever asked you to drink piss or bang their french poodle or anything? That electrode story was pretty hot I must say.
And yes, I am a rude asshole but hey, the exhibitionist in you (and you know as well as I do that its there) couldn't resist talking about it. I for one am glad you did!!!
Oh and randomly I was at a karaoke bar last week and saw your ex danny. He and his friends were very entertaining but they should not quit their day jobs LOL, but that is the beauty of karaoke, get trashed and have fun.
as always, all the best :-)
oh and one more thing, I'm surprised that you said your escorting has come to a screeching halt. I would imagine that some of your blog readers in the NYC area would try to hang out with you personally?
Have you decided yourself to slow it down? If so good for you and good luck in anything else you put your energy into.
whoops, I just noticed your explanation for your escorting slowing down. I take back the last question, I don't want you to think I wasn't "paying attention" tee hee.
"That's i all i want... just for someone to listen."
Ummm, just because you are talking or typing or what the fuck ever method of expression you chose does not mean you are saying anything.
If you are being cut-off by people when you talk, it could be their passive aggressive way of letting you know that you don't matter and neither does what you say.
However, if you are not willing (or able...hard to tell with you) to ask the person you are talking to why they interrupted you, then you are pretty much saying you don't care what they have to say.
"I don't ask, i just shut up and pretend i haven't said anything"
This is the conversational equivalent of taking your toys and going home...hardly manly behavior..eh?
"It seems to be happening more and more often and I'm not sure what it is."
If you really want to know, then ask some you trust to give their opinion.
I would offer mine but I have never talked too you, only read posts on your blog, so I don't know what it is like to be in the middle of one of your stories and wanting to push the eject button to shut you up. :)
"I shit in a guys mouth."
This would be the story I would interrupt you during. :)
It doesn't matter how fucked up your life is.I believe that everyone is fucked up in some shape or form.It's what all makes us "normal" in a sense.
However everyone needs someone in their life to go to when in need,and when you don't have that somone,it makes it seem unbearable and impossible.Just be strong and if you need someone to talk to,I'm here for ya man ;)
Ryan
No I don’t…
As you know the most difficult part is to LISTEN to others. To HEAR their thoughts, this is some kind of art, which most of us do not have (for good or bad) as far we have some desires, hopes, fears and what comes to your mind. More often we can’t hear ourselves, because it’s easy to mute our inner voice, due to things we’d like not know (may be because we are not ready for the truth). I personally get pissed off when someone does not listen to me, but I always try to ask myself: “Do I LISTEN…?” (and how much)…
For me to be able to listen, you have not to be afraid of what others would say…
And especially it’s harder for you because you are some kind of celebrity (and you know that most of your readers or listeners would do “listen” with some kind of purpose, willing to be close to you).
Sometimes it’s better to listen, it’s a way to learn more about yourself (I suppose it’s your main go now).
And finally a quote I like: “Happiness is like peeing in your pants. Everyone can see, but no one can feel the warmth as YOU do.”
Bon voyage!
Fuck you, jq2002 or Bruno or whatever your name is at 9:18 AM!
We want details!
What Erik is saying is nothing his clients won't post in online, public reviews of him.
And I don't think Rhodes posted anything to be ashamed of — having acknowledged that it's wrong to be so high and barebacking that he put his health at risk.
I just want to add a little comment to your last blog; and it is not about your Q&A part of it. It is about that ill chosen worlds the guy who met you said to you. "Your blog is cool and you are cool". I find that your blog and you, since you write it, is not "cool" at all; it is painfully candid and sincere and whoever has some empaty for you should recognize it.
You are trying to find a way to express yourself and you are quite successful at it; You sound like a very confuse and insecure young man, at times naive and innocent, at times hardened up by the milieu you are been living in.
and that is not Cool, just sad.
People tend to look at you as the big hulk who has a lot of money flowing through his hands doing a job that they think is easy but as the same time they define it as "whoring" and dismiss it, and do not realize what you have to endure emotionally when you try to justify it from an emotional point of view . Keep talking, kiddo, you will find someone who listen and does not look only at the wrapping of the package but at its content.
Just be less open about your job experiences, especially in a blog;
I am sure this last entry will bring you a lot of unwanted comments. anyway, I am speaking too much. bye, bye, Kiddo.
Bruno
It really does suck to feel like you're not being heard or listened to. I think that's especially true when you're not used to putting yourself out there to begin with. It can be hard to overcome the momentum of those old beliefs that you don't deserve to be heard or understood... ultimately, what you're going through is just an expression of those old beliefs. That's the big hurdle, I think -- really coming to believe that you have something worthwhile to say. I've struggled with that at times in my own life, the best thing I have found is to try to notice those moments when people really have listened or been impacted in a positive way by my words, even if they seem like small, insignificant moments. There are people who are listening, James, it's just a matter of noticing.
Man it pisses me off when people interrupt me. Personally I don't let it go, and neither should you. That's just my opinion though.
I'm a good listener, so if you ever need someone to talk to, you can message me or text me :)
As for no one listening to you and whether you're still alive, of course you are. Questioning makes us who we are. I know I myself have so many questions about life and death and what, if anything, lies beyond that.
Sometimes life sucks, but if you want bleak, I think you should try watching Battlestar Galactica. Now that show is bleak. But I love it.
James,
People are listening to you - don't doubt that. Part of the problem - here, at least - is that there is no immediate feedback. You can't read body language, you can't get a sense of what's going on with those responding, except via the words they choose. And, you know that what is said, or written, isn't always what is felt or intended.
If I have left a comment which seems to indicate I wasn't listening, then I apologize. It was never my intent. All I can is that either I didn't choose my words well enough in replying, or perhaps I misunderstood your words. In either of those cases, face to face, it might have been recognized and corrected immediately. Unfortunately, a forum like this doesn't allow for that.
You have a certain celebrity status. Furthermore, that status is built on the job you chose to do - in an industry where performers' thoughts and emotions are generally dismissed (by the masses) out of hand. You have chosen to show a side of yourself here, one which most people in your position would never do, at least not in such a public, realistic, and negative way. The celebrity thing alone, it seems, already means you have to work harder to be recognized as a 'real person'. The industry you're involved in only makes that situation more difficult.
But, you have a voice - you have proven that here. This might not be the way you would ideally have chosen to interact with others. But, for the moment, it is something. From the comments I have read here, there are people listening to and caring about what you have to say, what you think, how you feel. Is it somewhat impersonal? Yes. But, isn't it better than nothing at all?
Some people will misunderstand you, or not be able to get past preconceived ideas of what your life entails. But, those people are not everyone.
When I was growing up, I would have given anything to have what you have. That's an easy thing to wish for when you only know one side of the story. Over the years, I grew out of that, in part because the harsher side of the business came to light, as I read or heard horror stories of various kinds from others who'd been there. For years now, I have been quite happy not to have achieved celebrity status the way you did.
There are others out there, though, who haven't been exposed to that harsh side. Maybe they're young and just don't know any better yet - that's the way I was, and the way I think you may have been, as well. Porn isn't as easy and isn't as glamorous as it's sometimes made out to be. You learned that one way, and I learned it another. And from the 'conversation' here, maybe someone else will learn, as well, and not face the risks that you did, or that I tried my damnedest to.
You are being heard. Don't stop trying to communicate. It will happen.
For what it's worth, I'd hug you if I could. Stay strong.
interesting stuff..., i think i saw u on 3rd ave but i was to pussy to talk to u
Have you not figured out yet James that these people, with whom you're attempting to communicate, are unable to interpret you because they are too wrapped up in their own lives?
What is it that you're trying to say? That you are a human being, not an animal, with desires,needs, strengths and weaknesses? Are you able to fully articulate your ideas and dreams? Or do you just say things that you know people want to hear (and I mean answering Brian's questions specifically here) since then you know that people will listen? I agree that your exhibitionist side come through there; perhaps it's just appealing to ones' basest instincts and the current trend in sensationalism and publicity at all costs. Is this what you mean by your ego and 'I am Erik Rhodes'?
I think that you're a conundrum. You've fed the 'outer you', Erik Rhodes and starved James. It is James who is ignored, not Erik. I read your blog for the humanity that is trying to break through the bull shit life that Erik lives. I'm not interested in the prurient details and I do not judge. To be honest, when I read Brian's original questions, I thought they were just base and juvenile. Reading his response is interesting because it is apparent he is judging you. His admission that he is a rude asshole, does not mitigate the fact that he continues to bait you for more details. He's just sad.
You have a brain and a right to have people hear you, but remember that listening implies understanding and compassion. There are too many people with their own agendas that cannot 'hear' you. Your heart is big-you continue to deal with Danny...*sigh*
Am I making any sense James? Do you 'hear' me?
ed.
Has it been hard for you to find another gay guy who can understand you? I know it is for me.
Also, I kind of think NIN's "The Slip" is alittle disapointing. I mean it's good (I don't think Trent can do anything bad), but I expected different. It almost seems like he kind of revisited an old style. Kind of "With teeth" meets "The Fragile". I guess I'm still alittle confused on how I feel about it.
Hey,
As depressed as you are, i think you are fucking great, not just hot, but quite intelligent, sarcastic and like all of us just looking to be safe - even if it is shadowed with sadness and darkness.
how do i get in touch with you???
.... i am an aussie who is going to be in town soon and i realise that only being there for a few days i probably won't bump into you unless i book it!
anyone, please let me know....
hugs...
OK so, im going to NYC for like a month, and i need to know the BEST clubs out there.
Im 22 y/o, I just want hot guys, hot music, and a hot venue.
ANy suggestions?! I want your opinion, I'd realllllyyyyy appreciate it. U can answer on my blog if u want.
Thanks a cumload.
dude, you have too much time on your hands to dwell on your life. You are 26; you live life on the edge, and that is fascinating to many people.
But, it seems it's not fascinating to you any longer. Life is not a race, there is plenty of time to slow down at some point.
Honestly, if you are in your twenties and your life isn't a little messy, well, You're not doing them right. Life is filled with choices, and good or bad, they have consequences.
I like reading your blog because it connects me to my past. I'm 42 now, and my life is all kinds of simple. and simple is good. I still love to workout, hang out, and be around people that care about me. But I used to be wild, and that includes a lot of the substances, attitudes, and events you talk about.
I gotta tell ya, probably the most destructive thing you seem to be doing right now is hanging out with your ex. Back when my life was full of drama, i filled it with even more by doing what you are doing. and every time we were hanging out, I wanted things to be the way they had been in our past. to be in love, to care about each other, to listen and understand where we were both coming from...
it never worked. He went on with his life (and, small world, dated a porn star). I could get all self righteous, pissed off, and drown in self loathing. but still, I went back for more, again and again. and each time, it hurt like a motherfucker.
but it was my choice to keep going back for more, which means it was my choice to continue to hurt myself. and well, it gave me a reason to get high or act out in other ways.
it has been my experience that many muscle heads have a huge self esteem issue. even though I might look fan-fucking-tastic, I still feel like a piece of shit inside. when I took some action to fix the inside problems, the drive to look and act perfect subsided.
I, like you, am too open and honest. Basically, if someone asks me a question, I answer it. the fun part for me is to blow them away with my honesty. It is disarming to many people, because they learned to hide and edit things. i like to be hardcore honest, because my real life is way more interesting than the things they imagine.
if i had it to do all over again, I'd probably do it the same, because the sum of those decisions has brought me to a good place in my life. no pain, no gain. maybe I would talk to my brothers and parents about pending decisions if I could do it again. Luckily, this isn't "ground dog day" and I can live everyday differently.
hang tough, you might have made some choices you would like a do-over on, but that's not going to happen, so you paint that shit gold.
later,
kyle
Hey James,
Just read your blog, and I must say you have lead quite an interesting life that would make men either throw up or envy everything you've done. Lets face it dude, most of your friends are in the industry. From the porn stars I've come across and what I've heard, they are all completely vain, and totally into themselves. They are not into anything you say unless it's your praising there attributes, OR you wanting to get high and party, OR you wanting to fuck or get fucked by them. You even said it on your own blog, so why expect anything less from your counterparts? You're stuck between a rock and hard place, cause I'm pretty sure the dudes you meet that aren't in the industry only want to : fuck you, get fucked by you, or use you as a trophy boyfriend.
I see all these guys giving you advice, negating each predecessors attempts to console you. Lets be honest dude, no one can change the way you feel, but you. Stop the codependency, grow a set, and get your ass out of the slump. Because even when you think you're having a honest conversation with someone, you have to realize that 9 out of 10 the dude is a "yes" man and is probably just hyping you up. We're all creatures of habit, break the habit James.
Btw, saw Atmosphere and man what is up with Slugs hair? That guy looks weird he looked best with his hiar nearly shaved off.
For the music fan in you. Check out Paper Rivals- Dialog. Notable songs: Foreign Film Collection, Weak Sister, Keep Us In, The Family Ghost.
Styrofoam- A Thousand Words. Notable songs: My Next Mistake (feat Jim Adkins from Jimmy Eat World), No Deliveries List (feat. Lili De La Mora), Couches and Alleyways (feat Ben Gibbard from Death Cab For Cutie).
Death Cab For Cutie- Narrow Stairs the whole damn album is amazing.
Have a good one James, know the only constant is change, and change comes with a price. You decide how much you're willing to let go.
i don't know if i should be turned on or not after reading that but my dicks hard so yeah i have no choice in the matter either way. haha. so do you have a private email address or something? i tried looking for something on your web page that is linked to from your blogger profile but the site seems to be missing.
Erik/James
People are listening. From the comment section and your daily interactions. Lots of people are tuning in. You might not feel that way, we all, go through moments of silence as though the universe has left us alone and we’re not being understood by anyone.
What makes your blog cool is that you’re honest about yourself, your feelings and what’s happening in your life. It’s hard to find. So maybe that’s what this guy was saying, not that your awkward thoughts are cool, but that he shares them as well ….. and is finally happy someone has admitted to this human trait, which so many people try to convince; does not occur in this world, where we are, constantly, asked to be aware of everything.
Just a thought from a long time blogger and writer.
zimbemyname: As far as the new NIN goes. I think its awesome. Yes i do get a With Teeth meets Ghosts like vibe from it but you just have to assume, 1 it was free and 2 now with no label to hold Trent back he is just gonna keep releasing anything he does. Whether he hates it or not, i assume he'll released whatever he does to let the fans judge for themselves what the like and what they don't. Which for me is exactly what i want, More NIN nonstop, all the fucking time.
As for the people that can even crituque the album as bad... to me it like a big smack in the face. The man is basically giving stuff away left and right, while artist like madonna who are already rich as sin won't give you shit. So if there is only a couple songs you like off the album, just say "well i didnt pay for it, and trent isn't getting richer off it, so who cares"
Enjoy it for what its worth!
I do agree that it is INCREDIBLY awesome that he will be releasing shit like it's on fire and giving it away for free. And I know that's what he's wanted to do for a long time so I'm glad and grateful that he can finally do it. But, I'm also not going to force myself to love something that I don't just because I got it for free. I mean I do like it, I mean it's NIN, of course I like it, I just don't love it. I guess I'm still on the year zero craze and expected something with that vibe. I do love Head Down! I've been trying to make a good remix to it for days!
Hi there! Been reading your blog for awhile and I have never written in before. Just wanted to let you know that I *am* listening. Big time. You can't even believe how much I can relate to your troubles, thought processes, etc. It is a great comfort knowing that there are others out there struggling with the same sort of problems/issues. And I thank you, and support you in whatever you do! (Except for crystal, that shit is nasty! Don't let it take away your looks/health!)
You know something...sometimes we feel like you're not listening to us..........
Try being a fat, angry homo, who can't get laid unles he pays for it. And I was rejected by a Brazilian escort/porn star, who you might know..........
Why are people so quick to judge, but don't want to be judged themselves?
You never asked him why he thinks your blog is cool?
I personally think the problem is the gay community......
Guys like you are so full of themselves, and as homosexuals, it's bad enought that we don't get the encouragement we need as children...the encouragement that heterosexuals get in fairy tales, and from being together.
Why don't you drop the act, and open up to someone who isn't obsessed with you? because it sounds like you don't like people who like you a lot, or people who don't listen.
I found your question and answer session refreshing for a change. I know that it is not something you are planning to do often or maybe never again but I liked hearing your stories. I am kind of disappointed that you have sort of gone back to your ex tho but I do understand that your heart cannot disconnect so easily. I recently ran into my ex and as much as I thought I hated him for things that were said and done in the past just as soon as I saw him... I realized I was still not over him at all. And it sucked big time. Part of me thought I would see him, and perhaps hate him and he would be begging me to go back to him and that would make me happy but that was not the case at all. We talked and even made a little peace and have talked on the phone since then. And then I told him that the more we talked the more I wanted to see him and you know he had no reply to that which was no real big surprise to me at all. In fact since that time we have talked very little which in hindsight is a very good thing. Because as much as I like him being around him for too long a time make me kinda miserable (which is where you and I might have something in common Erik)
I am curious though as to what has happened to the guy you watched bad tv with and he gave you a guilt trip when you had to leave town. I did for the most part think there might have been some promise there.
As for no one to listen to you and I am sure you have heard this before but "communication is key" to any relationship and if you do not have that then there is not much there to base something on. Food for thought.
Be well,
Tim
Hey James,
I'm slightly addicted to your blog because I appreciate how you keep it real and despite the many downs you have in your life, there are moments when you have ups and makes me think that there is a lot of hope for you for your future (outside of porn if you retire).
I appreciated this last posting not because of you detailing the whole escort thing but because I'm totally with you with the listening thing and feeling people don't fucking listening to me when I speak so I guess nothing I say is important. It makes me very passive aggressive and angry (and I have known this since I was teenager) and I don't want ot be like that anymore so I have to constantly put myself in check.
I did have a question. Have you ever thought (this is not meant in a negative way at all) about therapy in order to vent your frustrations and have someone there to help better shape your life? Just a thought. Well, I look forward to your next posting.
Those were some pretty funny stories. I was laughing to myself on the electrodes and the black gang-bang. Hysterical!
Thanks for the laugh!
1. I have the "nobody was even listening" sensation all the time. More lately. Is it a sign of the times?
2. You have great stories, perspective, and writing ability. Why don't you write a book? Heck, you already have a great start with what you've written on the blog.
i lost a stripe on my rainbow reading this.
just sayin'
Yes every fan will adore you and think you can be comforted by something that they are saying some past experienced that they have had that can help you on your way to recovering the parts of you that are in pain. I'm going to tell you simply that although they mean well it's not what you need. I don't belitte anyone experiences I've had my own. But I just watched a vlog on youtube in-sense making fun of your pain and it pained me. We all have lives. We live them. We share with other what we can. It makes us who we are. When you Meaning you! Tell others that you are upset in any shape form or fashion you open the door to because of your fame/status/or vunerablilty for others to flood you with a list of their pains. Them trying to relate to you because of whom you are not the person you are. I have never seen a entire movie with you in it. I've seen trailers but I'm not a fan which is funny cause your huge in body which is totally my type. See a shrink a qualified person who will you not judge you with religious dogma,sympathetic envy/compassion or coersive persuasion. You make enough money to pay a person to counsel you in a real way. There is nothing wrong with finding god or personal peace but mental states are fragile things that people take advantage of. Pills,sex and empty advise (even mine) won't fix or patch up what you need. You don't know me I damn wish you did but you don't. Can I share tales of pain? I sure could but that's not what you need. Talk I'll listen if you need a friend I can be one.
Be you and be you Bravely. Because even with all the empty advise we out here in the world still care about you. Even in our own twisted way.
whatever floats your boat?
I have no idea how to respond to this, yet I read the whole thing and feel like I must say something. More power to you, and we are all God's people.
Carry on.
mmm, never sure just what to say other than have you ever heard of the dust junkies? i think you might like their music. also, please can you increase the fotn size of your blog, i'm going blind trying to keep up with it.
big hugs from London, England...
Nosher
My worst experience with an escort was the guy (celebrity escort) who came over at 4am. When he pulled down his pants, I moved in to suck his 11" dick. And that's when I smelled every one of the 10 or so clients he'd had earlier that night.
Okay, maybe people don't listen because you seem to show interest in yourself. Try thinking about other people for awhile and I'm sure they will become interested in what you have to say....
As for your Q&A............save it for your memoir.
hi james, im a thuper fan, i want you to talk to me so i can get inside your head an be with you.
but fuck, no one is listening to me either. its like everyone is fucking numb and i am the only one who is feeling all this.
just saving the cash until i can go die in the desert.
Hey James,
So I came across this amazing link to Radiohead remixes of In Rainbows. It's like when Danger Mouse remixes of Jay-Z's The Black Album. It's called Rainy Dayz
The link is: http://www.onesevensevensix.com/amplive/index.html
Here's the tracklisting:
01 Rainydayz
02 Video Tapez (ft. Del The Funky Homosapien)
03 Nudez (ft. Too $hort & MC Zumbi
of Zion I)
04 Weird Fishez
05 All I Need
06 15 Stepz (ft. Codany Holiday)
07 Reckonerz (ft. Chali2na)
08 Faustz
Check it before the site gets banned or something.
Enjoy!
hey man
I just wanted to leave a quick note.
I've enjoyed reading your posts here the last couple months. I appreciate how open you are and your honesty. Thank you for that.
And frankly, I'm always amazed at how many judgemental, shitty comments are left on your blog. You must be a more patient man.
than me.
Thanks again for the candid peek into your world.
Oops you did it again... lol
Check a certain video sharing website, i think you know what i mean.
Hm...lots of stuff since last I read the blog...hopefully you are keeping a clear mind through all of it.
Good luck with the awards. An award of any type is a great sense of accomplishment and it sounds like you are definitely wanting that in your life. Try to enjoy Chicago, win or lose. It's a lot of fun this time of year.
I think you have definitely got readers' attention and many are listening...so what do you want people to know?
I see you in my neighborhood a lot and i think there's no way i'm gonna say anything to him, he'd probably just be a dick cuz i'm another 25 year old fan who doesn't 'know' him. Just thoguht i'd share that...
adrenaline199: Yeah i have had that album for sometime now. One of my favorite tracks is on the playlist on the music player below.
Check out the song on mypsace. Its fucking stupid amazing. Has me Dancing around my apartment like a retard today.
Www.myspace.com/erikrhodesxxx
sitboubousit: Yeah, thats part 2. ( the watching Jerry Springer and the rain edition)
nybill: Let me go and take your advice and just save my thoughts, so you feel better. In fact why dont i just shut this blog down... will that work for you? dick.
It's unfortunate that some people feel the space where you take a breathe is a moment to interject the banality of their lives. You need people that make you feel like a person and not just for what you look like or even for what you've done but it's because it's what you deserve as being another member of the human race. You need someone that talks with you for who you are and fuck for your soul not just to gawk at your fame. But I have to be honest in the end a lot of times people disappoint me.
Hey Eric,
I'm sorry if I upset you. That wasn't my intention. What I meant was by engaging others to speak about themselves they become more open to hear about other peoples issues or thoughts. It's just a technique I thought you might want to try.
As for your memoir, I was serious. You might want to think about writing your story.
All the best,
nybill
Hi Erik,
Your blog (outside of the hypersex...do you) hits home because i have the same problem with people listening to me (or should i say hearing me). When i "talk, bitch, complain" i am expecting a response, an opinion or some constructive criticism. I guess courtesy no longer exists.
Yeah, yeah your question and answer was entertaining but there's something behind your sex shell that someone may discover someday.
I too am hanging with my ex again trying to find any reason to hate him but its funny how your heart will make your mind forget why you broke up in the first place.
I'll listen. I'm a psychiatrist. And I won't even call you crazy or charge you for my time.
Hello James,
I know how you feel -- not to feel heard, to feel empty despite experiences that could fill several lifetimes, finding it difficult to have meaningful, fulfilling relationships -- been there myself.
One suggestion is to see a therapist. I have and it helped me a lot! It can help you sort out some of your issues and break some of the bad patterns in your life. It'll be a lot of work, but you're worth it. And shop around -- all shrinks aren't created equal...
Keep fighting, dude! It's the struggle that makes us...
Peace, Matt
Fascinating.
God, what bullshit. All you do is complain and you're surprised no one wants to listen? Heed some of the earlier advice and get a therapist. At least you can pay them to listen. And have you considered your "friends" don't listen to you because perhaps you don't listen to them. You can't expect to dump your crap on your friends if you're not willing to take on some of theirs. The sad fact is most people don't really listen, they're just waiting for their chance to speak.
James,
I know someone who did a marathon anal assault and also did it high for as long as you did. Because he was also high, he did not feel the pain telling him stop... He stopped when a major amount of blood came out of his hole. He had separated is intestines from his anus. After almost a year, three surgeries, a major scar on his stomach, and a colostomy bag, he can defecate again. A mix of drugs and assplay for that long can be unhealthy. Needless to say he has given up drugs...... After this happened, everyone said he looked like a cancer patient, cus he looked so sick.
I know your contract with Falcon is up soon... How about doing a swan song with the 6th installment of Black Balled? Id love to see you take on a large group of black men with your hole
also, years ago. I had a period of time where nobody was honest with me. Guys I would meet would lie about everything. I started to look at myself to see what I wasn't being honest about. once I became honest, so did everyone else... So if nobody is listening to you, is it you that's not listening? I notice on here you respond to posts about music or to bitch slap someone for being rude. What about responding to the advise posts? I get the impression you started this blog to find answers to issues you are having... are you listening?
James, you are a HOT MAN, and I believe that many have told you that.
I have read your blogs and not to sound harsh, you sound severely depressed. Maybe your friends have tired to help you or get you to see a psychogolist, or psychiatrist and you have not. They may really care about you, but don't know what else to do. They want to listen, but it's like a broken record they cannot repair, only you can take charge of your fate. If the porn industry is the source of your depression, get out. You already have shown you can model, follow through with modeling. The drugs you take to feel better do work, but when they wear off, you feel worse then before you took them. You need to be happy, not because I am telling you, but because you should be, you have the looks, a beautiful cock, money, more than most people have today. Life is full of ups and downs, but to feel the way you do is not right. I can't make you better, but there are people out there who can. You may have a chemical imbalance that is the source for all your up and downs.
Life can be beautiful and can suck, but it should not suck all the time, no pun intended...LOL
To answer your question, yes I was listening!
You have tried other things, what do you have to lose with by meeting with a therapist?
Best Regards
J
hey brian i really find what you asked erik these questions so damn refreshing....if you're gonna be pompous and arrogant then you should be able to take the heat.it was good he answered - if it didn't it would've been so hypocritical.
how could youdo what you do infront of the camera and not be honest with the people who watch you daily.
anyway - i find it so confusing that these porn stars want them to listen to them but should they even come across the "common-folk" they're like assholes because we're too normal.i mean,as a pornstar you can't expect many people to understand your feelings when at a public event or appearance,the EGO is EXACT what is displayed as the true person.
so the REAL improvement and test will be when James finishes his contact and starts flippin' burgers...that's if Erik's ego doesn't overpowering him with taunt of what status would be lost...anyway.
can anyone please tell me what ex-pornstar KENT LARSON is up to nowadays?
now there's someone who seems like a true gentleman.
I read your Q&A section here, it is quite interesting. It reminded me of the movie "Boy culture". I wanted to mention that when people don't listen you, well in my case, I feel like i'm drowning suffocating, and for a moment I stop breathing, but then I come to my senses and I want to go Psycho on everything. Only I don't,I stop myself because if I don,t people will listen and take me for a negative being....so I force myself to bottle my feelings.....and when I feel like realeasing steam I punch or kick the shit out of things.....or I drown myself in drawing, it takes the mind of things....but It does suck tits to not be listened. You listen to everyone and then they turn a deaf ear on you, and when they do the feelings one has feel like they have no value....I don't know how to get people to listen to you in the nice way...all I know is if you want to get someones attn. you're gonna have to shout....
Best of luck on being listened to, P.S I am all ears.
~That kid.
I'm listenin', just waiting for you to talk lol. However, you can't fault the guy for thinking your cool. I mean, you do have this sick swagger that most guys wish they had, but I get what your saying.
Wow, so you've literally "Been there, done that"... errr no comment? LoL
Ejames
If you ever feel like talkin, or textin or email and you cant find anyone to listen I'm here-- Just like before.
ill be glad to listen. look me up.
VERY interesting and intense blog! You should write a book!
Wow, you really do put everything out there.
I'm surprised you don't have more friends. This kind of honesty is hard to come by, then again a lot of people can't handle that kind of honesty, so never mind.
I absoltely hate when you are talking and someone just cuts across you as if you were never speaking. It has to be one of the single rudest things you can do. And I like you just stop talking as if I ded'nt say anything cause basically its like what the fuck ever dude.
Yes you do bitch and complain a whole hell of a lot, but no where near as much as one of my friends who has anger issues to the tenth power. I have listened to the boy go off for 10 minutes over a damn commercial.
But here is the thing. I listen to any friend of mine when they are talking. You might not love what they are saying but if they mean anything to you you should show them the respect of your full attention.
I like you am a extrewme blogger it is where I let out all of my thoughts and emotions good, bad, and indifferent I just do mine on myspace and like you I love the comments and emails I get from people.
Bent it out cause if you hold it in you'll explode.
Just wanted to say hello....yeah, there are a lot of weirdo's out there, but you can tell who is sincere or not.
Keep cool, and keep it together. You are a great guy.
Ciao from a new fan....
Nathan
hello i've just read your text about your problem i know that becaue i go through everyday and music try to make me feel better. In this text, you are misunderstood and it is hard isn't it ?
i think people should communicate more with you in order to understand you. I hope you'll find your answers at your questons
soon
Ed
Erik are you still escorting?
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