Back on track...
So again, i'm sorry to leave everyone hanging, but i have just been keeping myself busy, doing absolutely nothing important.
To be honest, i tried to write something over this weekend but my brain was way to fried to do anything. It was my best friends 30th b-day so this whole weekend i was trainwreck. I think both nights i went out, i made an ass out of myself. You know its already bad enough that where ever i go, i stick out like a sore thumb, but then to stick out while stumbling all over the club or to be sitting in the corner of the place drooling on myself. I think i intentionally set out to make myself look like a pure fuck up. Almost every weekend, i question my reasoning of even going out. I tell myself, "Maybe you'll meet someone, but you know your gonna get way to fucked up to even talk with anyone,so why go?" I end up going out anyway, and the end result is always the same. I get nothing out of it. I just end up getting hit on by disgusting super fans or the scumbags that seek out the most fucked up guy in the club in hope that he will be an easy lay.
And then when i'm not that fucked up i'm told that i have an ego, that i think i'm better than everyone... funniest thing is that i don't, i'm just trying my best to fit in. Why do you think i need the drugs? It hopefully so i can relax and not be the social retard that i am normally.
Fuck it, I'm sure i'll figure it all out soon enough.
Anyway this weekend took forever because i was really waiting for today. I am supposed to hangout with this guy again (the toes curling sex guy from the previous blog) and i'm really excited. I don't have to get high or pretend around him and i feel totally comfortable. The last time we hung out, i just held him as we watched TV and i couldnt have been happier. I didn't want him to leave. You know, i'd give up every single shitty weekend just to have more boring yet happy nights like that in my life.
I sure he might actually get bored to tears tonight cuz i dont have much planned with him tonight beyond cuddling with him and trying to learn everything i can about him. To be honest i don't even know how the guy feels, and what his intentions are with me, but i hoping that they are similar mine... just taking it slow and enjoying the possibility of things going in a better direction.
Well, he just sent me a text mesaage saying how excited he is to hang out with me, the smile on my face is from ear to ear.
Monday, April 21, 2008
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28 comments:
hi james, or Erik? tell me just why do you have to try so desperately to be an idiot?
From what I have come to know about you you are not. You are a kid in a man body, a very handsome and big body that is easily spotted out especially if you continue to hang around the crowd of the NYC gay nightlife and adult entertainment.
Your blog has become a seesaw; everytime I see a positive entry I worry about what will be the next;
usually you mange to get back down again. You probably read our comments but I see that unless they are picking at your ego, they do not mean much to you.
Unfortunately, kiddo, you are an addict....not a full junkie yet... but you need drugs or alcohol to maintain the Erik Rhodes pornstar persona alive, and in the process make an ass of yourself.
There isn't much I can say...
Just wish the guy you are going to meet is not another Danny since you seem already smitten with him and counting on him to solve your problems. The only one who can solve james'problems is you and you will not succeed until you aknowledge that you need some professional help to get rid of your insecurities and substance dependence.
I stop now, have to clean house and prepare supper.
and spend an evening watching some old John Wayne movie.
A hug, kiddo. Bruno
You're your own worst, and I do mean worst, critic. Relax and have fun with the toe-curler. Doesn't sound like he's gonna be bored.
Re. going out and looking stupid- would you want to meet someone like that? Come on James...We've covered all this before.
I like the prospect of the "toe curling guy" at least it sounds like you are taking this slow and easy and not rushing into this at full speed ahead. And if he is into you as a person and not into you the porn star then he will wait on you and be patient and hopefully things will turn out nicely.
I can't wait to hear more about your date, and you know you don't have to goto clubs or be surrounded by alot of people to have fun. Just be yourself... not what everyone wants you to be.
peace.
Tim
james, when i was your age, i often went in and out of depression. it was not until i learned to turn loneliness into quiet solitude did that change. reading is one of the tools that works to create this transformation. someone earlier suggest frankl's "man's search for meaning". a very good book. i would suggest don miguel ruiz' "the master of love" and his "four agreements". we are the only one's who can heal ourselves, but making that initial decision is the hard part. good luck.
and, oh yeah. i really enjoy your music. i sometimes just log onto your blog to let the music go on in the background to whatever else i'm doing.
typo, i meant "the mastery of love".
Drug-addicted porn star who is uncomfortable in his own company seeks a relationship. Here are my suggestions:
1. Get sober from drugs and alcohol. They're ruining your life and it's only a lame attempt to escape from yourself.
2. Therapy. There are obviously some intimacy issues you're not dealing with. It's best to check in with a professional regularly to make sure you're doing ok.
3. Make new friends. Being single doesn't mean you're lonely. You're obviously not in a position to jumping in and out of relationships left and right. Try dating when there's less drama in your life.
Well, you know what makes you happy and what doesn't. So I would hope you would lean toward the things that make you happier.
You're not a kid anymore and you do know better. I trust that you can decide for yourself.
Wish you all the best. I would be sad to see you going to the deep end again.
"Why do you think i need the drugs? "
Why do *I* think you need drugs? It is pretty clear to me now that you need drugs because you are a drug addict and that addiction drives your behavior and you have taken a backseat.
This week it is your friend turning 30 and having to deal with people that is the "reason" you got all fucked up. But I would bet you will always have a reason to abuse substances, if you really think about it.
Do you ever imagine that you will never do any drugs again? Can you even see what life would be like if you quit? Or is the problem you can see that life and it is boring and empty and you want no part of it?
"Fuck it, I'm sure i'll figure it all out soon enough."
Fuck It! Indeed! I am not so sure you will figure it out anymore or in time. If you were my friend, this would be the part where I would shake you violently and tell you to get you head out of your ass because you have got yourself believing your own bullshit.
James, keep on trying. I was reading this quote from Robert Downey Jr., the actor, who we all know has struggled. A director he worked with told him, "one day your ambition will supersede all of these other impulses you have, and that will help set you straight."
I'm rooting for you. Keep thinking about the life you want for yourself. Finding a good therapist would be a start. Not somebody to tell you what to do; but someone to give you perspective.
There's so much that's appealing about you that has nothing to do with your looks. In your writing you come across as genuine and authentic, not superficial. This is a strength. But nightclubs are generally not places where people are being authentic. It makes sense that you feel alienated when you go out. The real you is very interesting, but when you get all fucked up no one can see it.
Good luck tonight with the toe-curler. I hope it turns out to be one of those boring-yet-happy nights.
Sue
Hi James -
Don't worry too much about the weekend. It may have been a bit of a backwards step, but that's not the end of the world. You seem to have a clear head about it today, and that counts for a lot - you're not beating yourself up about what happened in the clubs.
I can relate, regarding the ego thing - I was always told I was a snob in the clubs, when in fact I was way too shy to talk to anyone, for fear of either not fitting in or not knowing what to say. Knowing who your real friends are, and having their support, can be very helpful in getting past this.
I hope things go well on your 'hang out date' - enjoy those moments as they're happening, and don't worry about what happened yesterday or what might go on tomorrow.
Keep believeing in yourself, and it'll all work out for the best. You have a lot to offer the right guy, and I think you realize that yourself - don't let the search get you down. What you have to offer is what a lot of people claim to want - many of them find they don't like the reality of it, unfortunately.
But, stick to it, and you will find one who will appreciate all you have to give. Like I said before, it took my partner and I a lot of years (and a lot of bad experiences) to find each other, but we're coming up on 10 years together now. It can be done!
You're getting better every day. Stay strong, and enjoy your cuddling!
been there done that, lost loads of so called friends who only hung around because i had money or drugs. I've with edmcan on this one. Look yourself in the mirror when you're sober and when you're off your tits on happy stuff. which one would you want to be seen with or take home. it's either cuddles and the simple pleasures or cleaning shit and sick of the bedsheets. i know which one i'd prefer.
other than that, big hugs for being so honest. once you know you have a problem you're half way there.
hugs
nosher
that paper float mix you got is awesome, thanks for the music recommendations... just downloaded it :)
James,
The people who constantly tell you that you're a addict mean well -- and there's certainly some wisdom in the suggestions they're giving you. That said, they're missing a crucial thing: it's natural to want to feel good, and that becomes even MORE intense as you're standing in the middle of feeling like shit. This is true of every human being on this planet. That doesn't make you an idiot, broken, or out of control, it just makes you human.
Of course, when people tell you that neither drugs, relationships, sex nor anything else external is going to fix the insecurities we all have, they're right. As long as part of you believes that you're broken and fucked up and unlovable, you'll end up repeating the pattern of experiences that continue to bring that back into your attention. It's not fun, but it's just how life works.
That said, yes, it would be a great idea if you had a professional who can help teach you to let go of that baggage and to learn to feel safe being yourself around people. It's great to have someone who you know is there to support you and guide you through that stuff. It can be very helpful.
Until you're ready to do that, it's ok to revel in the moments where you feel good about yourself and feel loved and appreciated. It's ok to enjoy the experience of knowing that there's someone who sees wonderful things in you, and being able to see positive things in that person too. It's not just ok, it's how we're supposed to feel. We're all aiming for that spot.
There are many ways for you to get where you want to go, James. It's just a matter of trying to even out the low points and finding more things that make your heart sing.
It's a never ending process, so go easy on yourself. It's not about being perfect, or reaching sobriety, or any particular goal, because once you get there, there will always be another place you're aiming for. Just leave the mountains where they are instead of trying to move them. The mountains will take care of themselves.
Nobody else can possibly know what's right for you. Just not possible. Trust yourself and the way you feel -- if you follow the things that make you feel good (not high, but GOOD) and ignore the rest, you will come out on top every time, no exceptions. It sounds like there should be more to it, but everything boils down to that, whether we recognize it or not.
Hi my name is erik. I've been keepin' up with ur blog and it's really interesting. I feel so happy for u. I hope that everything goes great with this guy that ur talkin' 'bout. But yet I feel so sad for u n how u need 2 use drugs to try to forget 'bout everything. Hopefully this guy can help u stop doin' all the bad things that u do, but again it goes back to u 'cuz at the end it's up to you whether u want to change or not. N like u said u need to stop goin' out for a while 'cuz tryin' to fit in with the rest is what's hurting u and making u seem like n idiot(sorry for using that word 2 describe u).
Maybe this guy can help u c that there is something much better out their for u. N u can get ur life back on track. I wish I could help u, u seem like a great guy.
Well n3wAyZ, I wish u the best 'cuz u deserve it. U might think that it's weird that a 17 yr old is giving u advice but I'm wise beyond my years lol.
Take Care,AND STOP BEING THE IDIOT. I feel so bad for using that word but that's the way u described urself. Sorry!
Love Always, Ur friend
Erik Rodriguez
*hugz* I hope you're having a good evening. As for the drugs, the only advice I can offer is to, in those moments where you are by yourself, and not with drugs, reconnect with yourself. Maybe start with your inner child, and it will eventually progress to your adult self. You will get to where you don't take the drugs because then you're not yourself if you do. I'm not sure if that made sense or not, but I'm speaking from experience.
Don't try to be what you're not (i.e. trying to fit in), and it sounds like with this guy you have started to find yourself. I say go for it, take it at an easy comfortable pace, and if you listen to your inner voice, you will know the choices to make that are more likely to lead to true happiness.
James and Erik, i would like to give you a different prespective on yourself. I am an artist. I would like to do an classical portrait of you. Clothing on, just sitting. I really think you would benefit from a new way to look at yourself.
I was very moved by your posting today. Not the most positive insight of you. This is the first time reading your blog. there to read about your fight with your ex-bf, but woke up when i read your honesty in the blog. I am just offering this as a kind individual that hopes to help you look at yourself differently.
I would be happy to work something out with you. only takes about 2-3 hours. and it would only be for you.
The ingredient to happiness most of the time, is just one word - simplistic.
I guess the first attempts at sobriety aren't always successful. Keep trying.
Why would a grown man worry about "fitting in" with some silly nightclub people? Who the f--k are they that they merit you fitting in with them? What are you, still in junior high school? I'm not trying to be mean here, just that....you're smart enough where if you step back and look at that objectively you'll see how ridiculous that is.
aw. you're happy. i hope this guys sticks around.
okay I stopped reading before the happiness began. but i still think it would help you if you did a portrait to have for yourself to remind you of the real you. something that is art that is something to look at an ground your being. planning a night of just cuddling is quit nice. Just being and living is wonderful and all that is needed. Making dinner at home with each other, the slow life is what is really left at the end of the day. its what the fruitful part of life is made up of.
i do the same thing all the time, coke levels things out. haha jk..kinda.. staying in helps i guess, i hope for shitty weather on the weekends so i dont go out
Bro God does love you man. i randomly found your blog. but dude.....God made you for a reason and don't be changed because of your circumstances. .....let him know whats up. Don't take God for granted. He is real than ever. i know that sounds cliché, but it doesnt matter.
Sorry this time has to be rough.
prayin for you big man.
hey james... wanted to let you know that I really enjoy reading your blog and getting an insight into your world.
you've got some cool and loyal readers too.. just look at the comments below by sue and erik.. can you tell that i enjoy reading the comments too? :)
keep up the good work..i look forward to further glimpses of your life in one of the world's most exciting cities!
Hi, I saw you today!! I got really excited haha. You were by my school when i got out of classes so it made me happy. ok thats all, take care man
I'm sure you get tired of hearing people's suggestions about what you need to do with your life. I'm sure you know what you need to do. Blah, fucking blah, blah, blah.
Anyway, I just wanted to say, that I understand what an amazing feeling it is when you find someone new and have that nervousness. That feeling whenever you think about them you have a smile on your face. Well, I'm going to say good for you. Everybody deserves to be happy and I'm glad you are right now. Enjoy it, because at this point he sounds like a great guy.
I hope to hear many more of these happy blogs from you!
I hope that date went well, I'm catching up on your blogs, so if you already wrote about it I havent read it yet.
It makes me really happy to see that I'm not the only one to get that happy over a guy... it makes me feel less like a loser and more like it's ok.
ejames
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