I feel fucking crazy again.
All that keeps going thru my head is one of this blogs readers definition of insanity: repeating the same mistakes thinking there will be a different outcome.
Well my mistake is trying to rekindle a toxic relationship with my ex.
You know it was kinda nice the first week or so but as of this past weekend we just fast forwarded back at the low point in our failed relationship. Now its time to cut ties with him for good.
I let the first couple mini-arguments roll of my back because i understand he would more than likely have alot of resentment toward me after our break up because my not so discreet blogging. It seemed like each morning after a fight we both would try to reconnect and make things work. Later that night i would find myself back at his apartment like nothing happened. We would forget about anything that happened during our time alone and we would try to be the people we were before thing headed downhill. Well at least i would.
I realize now, that any fight would occur as soon as i opened my mouth. If i just sat there and looked pretty and played with the dogs, everything was fine. But as soon as i had something to say or had an opinion on any topic, Danny's head would spin like the fucking exorcist and then he would threaten to call the cops if i didn't leave. I would go home and tell myself, "this is not worth it, he is not worth it". Then morning would come and i would get a text like nothing happened and like the sucker i am, i would fall back in, forgetting the fact that i honestly did believe he wasn't worth it for the hopes of maybe not being single, maybe reigniting that spark we had in the beginning or maybe just because i liked hanging out with the dogs. I don't know, maybe i just wasn't ready to let go. Well.... I am now.
Last night was it. I with hesitation went over his place again last night even with the threat of being escorted out by the cops the night before. I acted like nothing happened. I went over but i kept my distance. He tried to get all cute with me and I told him he was being a dick to me, he crawled over and cuddled with me, he said " am i being a dick now" and i said "no, but just wait. i don't think you can help it when you turn into the girl from the exorcist" Was i ever right.
We began to have a conversation which i wont go into detail about just to save Danny face. Danny tried to not listen to anything i said and began to yell at me to shut up without even hearing me. After years and years of studying and researching this topic apparently my advice was still shit to him and i wasn't worth listening to. It was insulting. It was frustrating and after weeks of fighting without defending myself and running away like a bitch i started to get loud. This was my breaking point. I was tired of playing bitch to make this kid happy. I was tired of kissing his ass as he played me like a fool. He asked me to leave again or he was calling the cops. I left right away and plan on never returning.
Ultimately, this was for the better. The more he argued with me the more i said to myself that "this kid is not worth it". I found myself not attracted to him at all and then to keep threatening me with the cops, come on, that is not love at all. Over our little time back with each other he served up that threat 3 times. Power trip? I think so. It's clearly a trailer trash move , which is exactly how i see him now. I'm sure that's how he See's himself or should. Dress yourself up in all the fancy designer cloths you can afford, but you can't hide what your truly are. I see that now. I'm sorry it took so long.
I am happy to say that this chapter in my life is finally over. This time i'm gonna be okay. There is no emotions left, there is nothing holding me back. I don't feel like a failure giving up, cause i tried. In the words of Trent Reznor "I tried, I gave up, Throw It away". Our time together was closure. Its exactly what i needed to move forward in my life.
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
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43 comments:
Good on ya, mate. Hold to your course and don't return to that well trodden path.
Focus on yourself for a while. Sit down and figure out what might interest you jobwise or careerwise. Look into taking classes, self improvement.
That's a much better avenue for your time and energy.
What did you do for work before you got into porn?
Could you see yourself pursuing mainstream modeling more perhaps?
In any case, it would be a better solution to the depression than retreading the same rut.
James,
I was in the same situation about 5 years ago...waiting for things to explode...I gotta say, walking away from the entire situation was the most liberating thing EVER.
Hang in there...and if you need some puppy therapy I've got 2 that'll keep you busy playing ball...and they are both total dude magnets...LOL.
Have you ever thought, even before this realization that maybe it was Danny who made this realionship fail and not you.
That maybe you are the sane, logical one and he has twisted it and put it on your shoulders with out you knowing it.
That maybe you think because you have fucked things up in life before it must just be you, that it is your fault.
I dont think it was you, I think it is him. Maybe you should move forward with the thought that it really wasn't you this time. You may have contributed to it often, but ultimatily it was out of your hands and would have gone down the crapper with no help from you!?
"what starts in caos, ends in caos"!
I am glad you left and I hope you stick to your guns and not go back down that same road again. He sounds very controlling! He sounds like he knows just the right thing to say to get you to come back after an argument from the night before...and when things don't go his way or you don't do what he wants he threatens you withe the only power he might have over you 'calling the cops'.
Cole: No, this time was not my fault. I tried, i really did. I'm happy with giving up this time. Its a relief.
Hey James. You did the right thing man. Keep strong! Persistence and determination will get keep you on track. Now's the time to surround yourself with good friends.
Roger
James, I am proud of you!
maybe this does not mean a great thing to you, I am one of the thousands of your friends who you just know by name and a small pic on the friends list; but I really care for you, not the star but james E.
Stick to your resolution and change your messenger address. Do not let your need for love cloud your mind.
The fact that you profession is actor in adult gay films has nothing to be ashamed of. I am sure it was Danny who had hammered that idea in your mind.
If you really are tired of that and of the porn film milieu, follow MALC advice.
Know that my initial offer is still valid, if you want to change scenario for a day, a week, a month or more.
Anyway I wish you all the best for now, young man playing Fresbee in the parc.
Ciao, kiddo. Bruno
There are two significant things in this post: 1) YOU took control and walked away 2) you did not go into a tailspin of depression with drugs/booze/sex.
WOW! See how smart you are? You used your brain and clearly saw the situation as it was. YAHOO! I am so proud of you James. Now, remember how this feels and find a guy who deserves you and what you have to offer.
The police...Christ, a demonic power trip. Good riddance.
Keep creating the life that YOU know you want to live.
Your ex got pissed because you started thinking for yourself. Deep down...I am guessing...he knows that you will make a much better life for yourself without him than with him and it made him angry. You have proven that you can accomplish whatever you set out to do. You have adopted a more positive outlook...you are living a healthier life...and you have cut the negative influences in your life. What has your ex done in the past few months?
You are on the right track. Keep your eyes forward an keep looking for the good things in life. Your ex is a lesson learned.
James -
You've come a long way with this. While I'm sorry to hear that things didn't work out with Danny, you definitely made the right move here. You have a lot more to offer than just sitting around looking pretty, and what's great is that you're acknowledging this as well. That's a huge leap from where you were beginning this blog.
As you keep looking after yourself like this, you're getting healthier every day. Keep it up.
Stay strong, and it's great to see you believing in yourself the way so many others out here believe in you!
James, just a few weeks ago something like this would have torn you up and now not only are you able to walk away, you don't even want to go back... Instead of accepting Danny's negativity and feeling bad about yourself, you can tell that it's Danny's issues, not yours. You're not crazy, you've just found your way out of the crazy pattern you had been stuck in and now you're free to pursue better things. That's huge!
You're doing a great job finding respect for yourself and really knowing that you deserve better. Keep it up, James.
I know this is you blog for you to share your innermost whatever with whomever, but is that what really happened? I read this post and the last few and get the sense that this could all be boiled down pretty quick to:
1. Danny is wrong and terrible and awful.
2. You tried to make it work with this crazy person whom you love but ultimately it is not worth it and you are blameless in what has transpired.
Love in the loosest of definitions in my opinion. I think ( and again only my opinion ) that you were using Danny as a crutch to help you get away from drugs and other negative influences. Like you traded one vice ( or several ) for another. Better the devil you know...eh.
Danny obviously has anger and resentment toward you and I would think those feelings are mutual even if you not disclosing that here.
Sure, you have history but is there any future there? You are getting your act together and maybe what you need from Danny is not love but closure. Closure can be crazy dramatic fights that involve the cops but you have to be able to see it as closure, an ending.
Wow! If I didn't know better I would think you and Danny are lesbians with all the fuck and fight energy you are hurling at each other.
I echo the sentiments of the others who have said what you need is space / time off / distance from Danny. Now does that equal falling back into old patterns... Part of you may be already planning your own relapse... I hope that is not the case and you don't allow anything going on with Danny as an excuse to relapse.
I don't know why he feel so threatened by you, but if everytime you have a conversation and he has to pull out the cop card then you might as well leave him. Maybe years later you guys could be friends and look back and laugh but right now it's better to leave. I'm glad you see that and can walk away from it. Good luck
I had something similar with my first 'love'
kept going back, and then one day I just said fuck him
good for you!
I think we have all been through the attempt at reconciliation with an ex. It is sometimes necessary to really get closure. You can at least go on now knowing it really wasn't meant to be.
Glad that you are realizing some things for yourself. You mentioned before about being so open here, but it really seems like it's helping you.
One thing: don't get mad at yourself if you backslide. Absolutes are difficult, so to say you're done completely with Danny may be setting yourself up for failure. In other words, when you get that text from him and you text back, don't beat yourself up about it. If you really do want to distance yourself from him - and I trust that you do! - you WILL DO IT. But it's going to take time, and you MUST allow yourself to screw up. ;) Hope that makes sense.
Thanks for reading; hope this gives you something to think about.
hey man, i mostly come here for the music you have up and its a cool read as well. this is the first post that i felt inclined to say something...
good for you for having the balls to leave a relationship that was seemingly toxic. i've found that when im at a point where i feel like im starting to lose sight of who i am and i want to reach a more peaceful state, i gotta do it alone. corny, but true. so hopefully being single for a while can really help gain a peace of mind. good luck
James,
Looks like you are headed in the right direction. I am currently back with an ex, and wish I had the balls to do what you just did.
Being single is not the worst thing in the world. In fact, I rather enjoy being single, because then at least if there's no one else who understands me I don't have to go on explaining myself all the time.
Just take some time and let yourself BE for a while. These are the best opportunities for growth. Just don't let any sadness or loneliness get you back in a toxic relationship with a controlling asshole. It sounds like you are starting to recognize and act on your plans and intelligent thoughts rather than acting simply based on emotion (or your dick). Keep up the good work, and spend some time finding the person that is right for you. Those are the kind of people that stick.
If you like NIN, do you like Tool? I happened to be listening to a song that you could probably relate to.
Download Tool-The Grudge and please tell me if it doesn't ground you.
<3 tool.
That's it homie.
Dude, big round of applause for you. It sounds to me like you;re putting your foot down and making decisions for the better. It can be the hardest thing, finding that inner drill seargent and then listening when he's kicking your ass into shape...but it sounds like you;re moving past it all. Keep it up. Just take one step at a time, and focus on what's right in front of you.
It's pretty inspiring, man. I've gone through a lot in my life myself, and it's nice to see I'm not alone. Thanks for being brave man.
James (Erik): You know sometimes it really sucks, holding on to something that is so wrong for so long because it is comfortable. I've lost and found myself so many times now I lost count. I could never see what it was about me that others liked. They liked all of the things I hated about myself (good & bad) but I found myself loving all of those same things in them.
It made them who they are...I still havent fully found myself and it bites but I'm still young and I'm ok with that!!!
Wait I have a point (I think)!!! I guess my point is once you get yourself into a different head space you will attract different types of people. Once you are sure about where you want to be in life, where you fit in as yourself with all of the goods and bads...You will project it and attract more secure sucessful men who want to be with you and not just "with you"
I mean I dont know you, but you tell the truth like it or leave it! Most people...Well most people are so shady!!! I'm sure you and I can agree on that.
Just be true to yourself, listen to your heart, use your head and you will come out fine!
Stay content my friend and be patient!?!
Reading your posts is depressing. lol. I did a google search on your name cuz i wanted more images of a really hot dude, but found your blog instead. Having just read your recent posts, I just said to myself "uh-oh". lol. Advice if you care: Try to find deeper meaning in your life. Get involved with something/hobbie. Take up something you don't know how to do -- tennis, swimming, pottery, kayaking, Spanish, yoga, karate. If that all sounds boring, go to your first lesson for free to see if you'll like it. And by hobbies, I don't mean downloading anymore music. That is something that is quite isolating. I realize it's not easy being a muscle hunk. lol. Do IT!
When a person has a drug problem, their partner ends up having to date the person AND the drug problem as well. I don't think it's fair you're doing that to anyone.
Secondly, it sounds like you want the advantages of love and a familiar comfort zone/safety bubble only a longer term relationship can provide, yet want to sew your wild oats at any chance you get. Umh, I don't think it's possible to have both at the same time without hurting someone constantly. I mean, if that's your intention.
I think you must like other things other than just downloading music. Find out what you can offer people -- i'm sure you have other talents or skills. And go for it! BTW, you are hot! Challenge yourself - try to be as beautiful on the inside as you are on the outside. I know you can do it, but you have to decide to do it for yourself and others.
James, even back in the day at Fantasy in L.I. when I would talk with you and you'd call yourself dumb I always said you are smarter than you think.
Glad to see that you smartened up. Keep up with your new attitude and realize that being alone is way way better than being with someone who treats you badly.
Don't just jump into the next relationship with a dude who snuggles, hows about starting a relationship with yourself and once you get that settled you then maybe venture out into the great unknown of the dating world.
As always best of luck to you
He kept threatening to call the cops?! Sounds like another Manhattan retard to me. Whether or not you ever meet another "mate", I'd say you're better without him.
"PERSONAL REVOLUTION"
Crumple up that Erik Rhodes and throw it in the trash, I'm recycled baby new and improved...Make room I'm coming out of hiding!!! Make way for JAMES!!!
xx
Excellent. Excellent. A+ decision. You are right on the money with every thing you did, you are on fire now!
Mr. Rhodes' blog was mentioned in our local Boston newspaper this morning.
How's that for PR?
I think the part of this post that stands out as the most important to me is that you're not blaming yourself for this. Folks in toxic relationships (and flat-out abusive ones, also) usually blame themselves for all the nastiness; "I shouldn't make him mad", "I antagonized him", "I should just keep my opinions to myself"... I'm really glad you didn't go that route, and I think you're destined for more even, fulfilling relationships in the future if you can keep your head on straight.
it's always that way, isn't it? Theres a reason why it was over in the first place. I contemplated getting back with the ex, and i think i'm playing with fire by just having hook ups with him. nothing's casual with an ex, is it...
Today is the first day I've read your blog - it was featured in Boston Metro - the free newspaper in Boston. First off - I really appreciate your blog. I'm hooked and I've only read the last few weeks of your life.
I don't even know you - but I do care about you.
I do wonder a few things after reading your blog:
- Your blog is named "Slipping Away" and I think you have mentioned death and killing and dropped hints of suicide in your blog more than several times within the last month - I'm not surprised your friends are concerned. It seems like you're hurting inside and you need healing. Have you ever heard of a book called "Essential Spirituality"?
- You talk about feeling like an object for other people - but that sounds similar to what I've heard from old friends who were escorts... they set themselves up to be objects and then got upset when they were treated like that
-Have you tried therapy/counseling with medication for the depression? Though this is short-term (1 to 2 years). You will need to find something else that is meaningful and helpul.
- What are the goals you've talked about? You seem really comfortable with your body - though I've never seen any of your videos ever. Have you considered something like physical training/exercise, tai chi, yoga, alexander technique?
As someone who's done substances like you mention before with different crazy sexual positions and situations and have a messed up past, I empathize.
Hang in there -
Keep up blogging -
You might want to consider writing a book using your blog entries as material! I'd read it.
Your situation almost mirrors mine and because I read your post - I almost made the same mistake. So thanks for sharing your life.
I hate to say I told you so, so that's all I'm going to say about that. (Although, normally I love the phrase, this is a different situation. :P) From the moment you started thus blog, Danny sounded toxic to me and although some of the initial breakup may have been partially because of you (I imagine he would claim that anyways), Danny seemed *much* more to blame. I'm glad you see that now.
On a side note, have you ever done the Alexander Technique S mentioned? That is some seriously fun stuff and super relaxing. Everyone should do it at least once.
I think that it's important for everybody to be strong and okay on their own, but at the same time everybody wants somebody to love and to love them back. When looking for somebody, either as a friend or a lover, sincerity and integrity are so important. Without those, nothing reliable can be built. Good Luck
Only you know what's right for you and only you have to live with your decisions.
I don't know you or your ex, so I'm not going to say, "great move" or "it's about time." What I will say is that it really looks like you're really starting to look out for yourself, which it seems you may not have done before.
Good for you, James. Most of us have that one (or more) people in our lives who we meet and think they are one way and they turn out to be someone completely different. In my case, calling the cops a few times was also involved! Now that I have the distance, I see how crazy that guy was and am glad nothing ever developed out of it.
I agree with the last comment post. Getting a job would probably be the best thing you could do for yourself right now--even if it is just temp work or something.
Have you ever read "The Velvet Rage" by Alan Downs?? Seriously, if you haven't I would highly encourage you to. After reading your blog--I think it would be a great book for you.
He writes really succinctly about gay men and some of the common issues we deal with. He is a therapist, and he really knows what he talks about.
As you said, you will be fine and will realize what a great decision you have made.
Steriod use has made you stupid, paranoid and suicidal. Seek real professional help before you end up dead in an empty crack house. Don't blame your poor decisions on anyone but you.
Jaaaaammmessss, I'm totally in the same boat right now.
I think my problem was not thinking enough of myself and being too insecure to just say "fuck you, I'm better than you and this". But I finally did (more tastefully than that), and seems you did too.
First I was sad(tragicly sad, like crying the shower sad), then numb, then blah blah blah.
I'm glad you got closure though :) I hear its sweet. Thanks for making this guy not feel alone.
oh, oh , oh and yeah the velvet rage! You really should give it a chance (just take off the pink book cover...or not). And chicagoedge is probably ten y/o.
Good move on your part Erik, it's take a bigger man to walk away. reconcilitations almost never work the second time around or however many times you gave chickensh*t a break. I saw a reflection of last relationship in this blog and the constant attempts of reconciliation. You are a sweet man, Erik. :)
Jesus man, grow up! You're a 26 year old man acting like a 12 year old girl who cries whenever she wants something and doesn't get it. You want outta porn but u can't do anything else? Big deal. No one can. You don't graduate and start making a million dollars immediately. You actually ahve to work. You sit on here and whine and cry waiting for mommy or daddy to fix your problems, well you're a man now, you've got to fix them yourself. If you don't want a bunch of queens "looking at you like you're a piece of meat" when you go out, then don't go out in a see thru mesh shirt. You are having troubles with ur ex? The dude hit you. Take some responsibility for your life and get the fuk away from him. You complain on here, even threaten to kill yourself then are shocked that people are concerned for you? What do you expect them to do? You're dying for someone to take care of you, ur begging for people to feel sorry for you. GROW UP! You wonder why your so depressed? Cause you sit around waiting for someone else to clean up your mess like ur a baby. or maybe it has something to do with all the roids you take, or the energy drinks you guzzle, or whatever else you take recreationally. You wonder why people treat u like a sex object when you go out? What else do they have to go on. it's not like ur a nice person who walks up to people and treats them with respct, so why would u get it in return? ur little groupies on here just want to sleep with you. Without the roids they'd ignore u too. You're a man now, start acting like one! GROW UP
i agree
i have been there
life sucks
i think u should kill danny
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