It feels like i'm trying to move mountains...
Once again I'm fighting being alone. Yeah i had alot to be happy about in my last blog but its still fucking rough. There still so much to get used to. A few days go by and everything seems to be just fine, but then i wake up this morning and something feels like its missing, and i feel like shit. I'm still having nightmares.
I would be lying if doing drugs to help me feel better hasn't crossed my mind. I think its even gotten to the point where if i was going to do them i would totally lie to readers saying i wasn't. Its funny, in "The Secret" it basically says that you attracted what you think about, well yesterday on my morning walk to get groceries i find about a gram and a half of cocaine right on the fucking street. I stopped myself and said " what are the fucking odds". Its not like i even live in a seedy part of town , its actually really nice over here. To first find 20 something bags of heroine and now a bag of coke. How is that not god fucking with me? Why can't god let me find a 2 liter bottle of GHB. I think maybe in all my free time i should walk around in my general area sniffing half full 7-up bottles to see if i find something i actually want this time.
So i guess something else that has me kinda upset, maybe not upset but frustrated is the fact that i am way to shy to take any connection that i have made with any guy i have hooked up with past sex. The sex is the easy part, its everything else that i suck at. Its just inviting someone over to talk and hang out that i can't seem to handle. I just think when i talk to someone and they start to listen to how fucked up i am that it will just ruin everything. I guess I'm scared of rejection. And lets face it as soon as i start giving someone my back round, if i could only read someones mind I'm sure all i would hear "holy fuck, this guy is not worth all this"
I guess i don't know the first thing about love, i just know how to dig my own grave.
One final personal note to Danny:
During our last argument online, i had lied to you about stuff i was doing during the time we had started talking with each other again. It was said out of anger and said to make you mad. I realize now that as much as it felt good at the time that i was just making myself look bad. I do not wanna get back together but i do not want a lie to be your the last impression of me. I have stayed pretty good friends with all my ex's and i don't think you should be any different. I do wish you the best for you. that's it.
"And after all of this I am amazed, That I am cursed far more than I am praised" ~Dustin Kensrue
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
40 comments:
Just read your blog and it seems your inner-monologue is getting the best of you. You need to keep in mind that instant change is not only bad but next to impossible. Life is about stepping stones, for example - think about your physique - can you get huge in one day? no, you have to grow over time rather than change in one day.
Kiddo, PLEASE flush ANY kind of drugs down the toilet.
I know it is not easy to be alone but I am sure you are strong enough to endure it. A suggestion; why don't you volunteer for some comunity service; like "BIG BROTHERS" or "old age company time"? I do not know the names in NYC but there must be such organizations there too. It can help feel your empy hours and you can make friends outside the "sex" .
And as another way to feel less alone and vulnerable to temptations, you have 3 siblings and parents (you are a lucky one),
so turn to them for company and help.
take a trip, maybe one of those group ones, they can be fun.
Come up to Canada (as a last resort) but ,PLEASE, no drugs or Danny, they are both your worst enemies right now.
Sorry if I was too pushy, kiddo, but I really care foor you.
Chin up, you can write or message me on my space if you wish.
Bruno
It is time for for you to start distinguishing between what you want for yourself and what you rely on when you don't know what you want.
It takes a pretty brave person to admit to and write about in a rather public forum the issues you are facing but it sounds like fear still has a very strong hold on you.
This manifests in the issues you have with being "alone". It is good that you can distinguish between sex and intimacy and that the issue you are having is with connecting with people on a human level.
There is a lot of fear in what others think of you that seems to be the core of your complaint in this latest post and that drugs come back to mind to squash those feelings.
I had posted before that you need to treat the voice that nags at you to give in to self-destructive behavior as someone who means you harm and I can't stress enough that you need to know this is not you.
It is a cliche but here is another way to think of it:
"A man goes to the village to visit the wiseman and says to him 'I feel like there are 2 dogs inside me. One is this positive, loving, kind and gentle dog and then I have this angry mean-spirited and negative dog and they fight all the time. I don't know which is going to win.' The wiseman thinks for a moment and says 'I know which is going to win. The one you feed the most, so feed the positve dog.'"
I guess we are more alike than I thought. I think we all need to build ourselves before offering that to others. We both need confidence and yes, it takes a long while to get used to being alone. Focus on what makes you happy and beware of drugs on the streets, it might be a sting. :)
Good luck, wish you well as always.
I have to wonder what my facination is with this. I came across your Myspace page a while back, we traded an email or two, and that was that. Maybe its because you seem real somehow, as opposed to just an image...I am not really sure. I know its not a sex thing, because my type is typically older, tatooed, shaven headed, and furry.
I wont drone on and on, but here are the North, South, East, and West of what is on my mind.
Jealousy: I am jealous of the life you have lead. I am 38, out of shape, and totally forgettable (all of my own doing I admit).
Anger: I am pissed that you screwed it up. Despite all of your advantages, you let your dick get the better of you.
Compassion: As someone in recovery from recovery, I know how hard it can be.
Concern: How real is what you say? Am I allowing my self to feel for someone who gets a jolt out of making us all feel sorry for him, while he is reading all this with a pipe in his hand.
I hope this doesn't annoy you too much, but, I guess I am guarded and careful about with whom I allow myself to care about.
Peace
Mark
Hi James,
It makes sense that you would find (or attract) a bag of drugs because it's what you are thinking about to make you oblivious to your loneliness and problems going on in your life that you do not want to deal with. You have the experience of using drugs, how does it make you feel when you come off of your high. Think long-term. In the moment you feel fine, but when you sober up, you are still in the same place, or a worse place because now you have to deal with the guilt of using, when you genuinely want to stop. To me, drugs only cover up an individuals' ills temporarily. And, while it's covered, those ills have a chance to grow and when you come off your high you have to deal with a bigger problem than you had before you used the drugs. I hope that makes sense. In other words, if you have back pain and you take a pain reliever so you don't have to feel the pain, when you move around the pain is numb, so you don't know if you are doing something wrong to make your back problem worse or not. It's better if you don't take the pain reliever because if you move the wrong way your body is going to tell you because of the pain you feel. That is why it's better to stay off your feet when you have back pain and not move around to much, it gives your back time to heal. If you take the pain reliever, you may hurt your back even more, and not know until the pain reliever wears off, then you have to take more to relieve the additional damage you've unknowingly done to your back. Yes the pain reliever is good, because it helps you to function and not feel the pain, but how helpful is it really when it allows you to hurt yourself even more, and suffer even longer, without you being aware of it. In any case, I don't want to give you too much advice, because I think you have to learn from experience, but do me a favor, don't pick things up off the street, it's NYC!!!!!!!!!
Maybe when you are walking around the city you could distract yourself thinking about something else. I walk quite a bit throughout the city, (because I love architecture) and I wouldn't notice a bag of drugs on the sidewalk if the sidewalk was paved with it, also because I don't use drugs I probably wouldn't have a clue. There is so much to see and appreciate when you walk around the city, the people, the architecture, the way the buildings intertwine with each other, and nothing beats the NYC streetscape. Maybe if you taught yourself to appreciate these things it could help you resist the temptation. I see you finding drugs on the street as tests, sent from whomever. If you pick them up and use them you fail the test, if you walk by them and forget about them you Pass. Remember failing is a kind of rejection which is something you're scared of so keep fighting to Pass the test.
As for you trying to meet new people, why don't you try to get to know them first, and not jump right into sex. You may find that you have standards that these individuals don't meet, and you might be relieved you didn't take it any further. If it's any consolation, I think everyone goes through the same insecurities as you when trying to meet or connect with new people. Some people are just better at masking it with a false confidence, where others just try to avoid the situation all together. You would be surprised, you probably have more in common with some of these people than you may think. You have a great sense of humor, which is always a plus. Maybe call and let the mad black woman do the talking, just a thought, but remember some people may not appreciate it as much as others, always know your audience. I believe that if you go out with someone and the time you spend with them is boring and there wasn't much to say, then move on. If you go out and you click instantly and you can't stop talking and laughing, then move forward. So call, see how things work out, if things go great and you have a good time then move forward, if they suck and you both have nothing to talk about then move on.
As for moving mountains, sometimes it may be better to take the long route around the base of the mountain, or the scenic route by climbing to the top and take in the view and then walk down to the other side. To try and move a mountain to get to the other side just takes too much time and makes you exert more energy than you need to, it's possible to move and demolish, but it's just far too time consuming and there are better, easier, and more satisfying options to help you get to the other side. I hope your point of trying to move the mountain is to get to the other side. Okay mad black woman, my time is up. Keep on keeping on, you ARE worth it and you WILL be fine.
T.
Just checked out your blog, but I would have to say I check your blog at work from time to time. I have to say man, I feel for you. It would be a lie to say things will get better, because that all depends on you. Roll with the punches, and take life with a grain of salt. And if you happen to get hurt lick your wounds and get back up. I know easier said than done, but doing drugs is definitely not the answer. I know you're a huge music fan and that's an awesome quote you have by Dustin Kensrue (Thrice). Not sure if that is his solo work or his band, but again great reference. I just wanted to leave you with a band I listen to when I'm down or feeling like I need to break down.
Copeland- Chin Up
With your eyes closed,
Watching a strange show
Play out in your head,
But you were smiling somehow
And your day froze,
And everyone in it
Sat still as a rose,
But we were moving somehow.
Back to where we started,
Losing who we were,
Maybe we should only
Tip a bottle back to keep us filled up.
Back to where we started,
Losing who we were,
Everybody knows that,
You’d break your neck to keep your chin up.
Open your eyes,
And the drops come,
And a snail raced down to your neck,
And looked up,
But you were smiling somehow.
Back to where we started,
Losing who we were,
Maybe we should only
Tip a bottle back to keep us filled up.
Back to where we started,
Losing who we were,
Everybody knows that
You’d break your neck to keep your chin up.
Keep your head up
James, it's natural for you to pick up some speed and then run into some resistance that slips you up. It's not a fun experience but it's the Universe's way of showing you that the issues you have are still lingering around. It's not God fucking with you, it's YOU fucking with you. Give yourself points for proving to yourself that what you've been thinking about has shown up in your reality. It's natural to want to feel better and drugs were the best way you knew of doing it for a while, so don't be too hard on yourself for having the craving. The craving is just a sign that you're wanting relief from the negative feelings you're having.
I know the prospect of opening up to people can be scary, especially when you've spent most of your life trying to hide who you are. That's definitely been true in my own life. The key is knowing that you don't have to share anything that you're not ready to share -- why not try hanging out with someone, getting comfortable and building some trust in each other first, then you'll know if it's someone with whom you want to open up to on a deeper level. It's like being in the gym -- you don't start out with the heaviest weights there, you build up to that over time.
The last thing, James, is that you'll never encounter anyone who's perfect enough to stand in judgment of you... especially in NYC. Most people have either had their own fucked up past or have friends or family that have. Personally, I doubt that there's anything you could tell me that would shock me. Nothing is really so bad that it would make you unlovable.
The people who would judge you are doing so from their own place of insecurity and disconnection. Maybe they resent you because they think good looks, great body and notoriety are the things they've believed they need to make them happy... and you're proving to them that those things are just an illusion. Maybe they see their own struggles, insecurities and pain reflected back at them (in a very attractive package) and it makes them feel better to judge you than face their own demons. Whatever it is, that's about them, not you.
You are worth the time and effort to get to know, you are much more than just a piece of meat in a porn video. There is great love here for you, you need only let yourself have it. It's not going anywhere, it's there for you in every moment, your job is to let it in whatever way you can.
James -
There are bound to some days when it's harder than others to get through. That's inevitable in life, for anyone, but perhaps a bit more when you suffer from depression. I'm having a bad week myself, in that respect, so I know where you're coming from. The bad days are a challenge, but you can get through them.
Thinking about doing drugs is somewhat to be expected, too. You haven't been off of them for that long yet, and the temptation to return to them is to be expected. But, please, give yourself a chance to get everything out of your system. Staying away from them will become easier with time. And, again, with depression, the effects can be unpredictable. Stay away from them if you can, OK?
Remember what you wrote in a previous post about about the things that so many others have faced, and how it used to wipe you out. Those things (depression, drugs, or whatever) haven't gotten the better of you yet. You're strong enough to get through one day at a time, just like others have. Have enough faith in yourself to prove it to yourself again.
Shyness is a hard thing to deal with. It can keep you isolated when isolated is the last thing you want to be. But, there are options for meeting people on a casual basis. Maybe a past hook-up isn't the best place to start, but what about someone from the gym? Is there a particular sport, maybe, that you enjoy that could open up a chance to get to know someone casually, at first?
Please don't kick yourself by writing things like 'how fucked up I am'. If you're fucked up, then so am I, and a lot of others out there. I have been through, or am living with, many of the same experiences as you. They're hard, yes, but they don't mean that you, as a person, are fucked up. I understand that you don't want to scare anyone off, that you don't want to be rejected. Sadly, rejection is something we all face at one time or another, probably more times than any of us would be happy admitting. You have the strength to get through that, though - you have already proven it. Give yourself credit for that.
In social situations, it's important to find balance. You want to be true to yourself - that's the most important thing you can do. But, being true to yourself and being honest doesn't mean that you have to reveal everything to people all at once. You are allowed to hold things back, keep them to yourself for a while. his isn't lying - it's self-protection. You need to build confidence in your relationships (of whatever nature) before you reveal certain things. That's appropriate - everyone does it to some degree. Some things you might choose never to reveal, and that's fine, too - it's not being secretive or dishonest, if done in the right spirit. You are allowed to keep somethings private, strictly for you. It's your right to control (to whatever degree you can) how much information is out there about you. It's up to you - and your comfort level - to find balance - what to tell to who, and maybe just as importantly, when to tell them.
You are worth it, James. Don't get too down over the bad days - they will come and go over time, and in time I'm betting you'll see that you'll have more good than bad ones. You do know a lot about love - it's obvious, the way you 'wear your heart on your sleeve', to use an old saying. That's not a bad thing. You just have to realize that it's out there, and be ready to be protective of it at a moment's notice, if you feel it might be at risk.
I don't know you personally, and I hope that all of this doesn't make it seem like I do. But, given the many similarities between your story and my own, you might just be as surprised as I was to find out how many people you already know really care about, and respect, you a lot. Give them, and yourself, a chance. It can be as cautious 'baby steps' at first - that's perfectly fine. But, you may be pleasantly surprised by how different people's views of you are than what you might believe them to be. (Starfuckers aside, of course!)
Stay strong, and don't stop believeing that you can win. I'd hug you if I could, man.
mmm =D i was surfing in the internet and i found u Blog xD.but i need to say something :
mmm not all the days we can feel good, i know that cuz it happens to me everyday jejejej . anyway the only thing that can we do is stand up and continue. i think talk too much doesn't important if something bad happened, because actions like feel a embrace is muche better for resolve some problems ;).
Take care, i dont know you too much and is my first comment here =D but maybe it can works.
Mike!
James,
I must admit, I was a bit intrigued when you sounded so happy yesterday. Not skepticism, but I've been depressed to know that the crash comes soon after the high. Regardless, stay focused, continue to own up to yourself when you do something you know you shouldn't, and just put one foot in front of the other. I know that sounds cliche, but when you're focused on just taking the next step, you stop focusing on what is bringing you down. Keep it up, and take care of yourself.
Erik: "I guess I'm scared of rejection. And lets face it as soon as i start giving someone my back round, if i could only read someones mind I'm sure all i would hear 'holy fuck, this guy is not worth all this'"
This is the key to it all. As soon as you stop judging others, you will find relief. You have said time and time again that all fags have evil motives and they just want a huge cock, some crystal meth or some other perverted and selfish desire. As long as you look down on other gays as shallow scum, hedonistic pigs, and fucking worthless fag losers - that same damnation will come back on you.
Dozens of people here warned you that Danny was bad news. But you called them idiotic faggots and jealous homos for suggesting it. Dozens of people said you are an addict and need to get treatment. You rejected that too and said unlike other faggot trash, you would treat yourself.
Up, down, up, down, up, down, .... and around and around it goes. One day you are ecstatic on the blog. The next day plunging into depresson and drug abuse. Look, you have got to stop coddling yourself, feeling sorry for yourself, and thinking you are a victim. That will only perpetuate the cycle. Stop judging others and condemning other gays as worthless faggot pigs and you will finally get the peace of mind you are looking for.
Shit, I forgot. Most importantly contact the show 'Intervention'. Here is the link: http://www.aetv.com/intervention/participate/index.jsp
I guarantee they will showcase you. It may even lead to other jobs and show business offers. Look, we know you are using. Of course not all the time, but it consumes your mind doesn't it? Hello - that is the definition of an addict. You could help a lot of glbt people by allowing the show to film your downward spiral. It might wake up that gay teen in Arkansas who doesn't want to throw his life away on crystal meth. For God's sake DO IT NOW. They will allow you to bump and us while filming in order to document the journey.
So I was updating my blog and was keeping myself preoccupied here at home by reading some random blogs on blogger.com when I stumbled upon your blog.
All I can say is wow.
I recently been having similar issues like you. Issues like getting over an X...moving on with your life....trying to refocus your energy on yourself.
For me, I took the easy road out and took an overseas job. Not the best solution....b/c now I have more problems to worry about.
All I can say in your situation is that you have to keep moving forward. It's going to be a hard task but you will overcome these obstacles.
Your not alone buddy. I can sympathize in your situation.
by any chance did you find that bag around 41st and 2nd?
hey, butt-fuck!!
it only MATTERS what YOU THINK about YOURSELF!!!
who gives rat's ass about what they think of you? IT MATTERS WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT YOU!!!!!!!!people will approve, disapprove about EVERYTHING you say or do, (including if you fold or bunch when you wipe your ass) but if you feel content trusting your instincts then fuck-all the rest of the world.
you have all the things you need to be successful... listen to your heart and get a "hearing-aid"... remember that from a previous post?
Hey James-chin up and a big hug. Now, let's talk. Your utter humanity is so compelling. I don't know what your back ground is that you find so horrific and unacceptable. Unless it involves pederasty, murder, cruelty to animals and inhuman acts, I can't imagine that there's anything all that horrible. I said in another post that you have to forgive yourself and I meant it, but gees. So what if you're an escort? So what if you work in porn? BIG DEAL! I don't think that's shaming-being a hypocrite about it would be shaming. I think that people who do care about it and debase you for it are misguided and stupid. Believe me, they don't matter.
From your writings, you seem to be painfully self-aware, but at times, immature. Hey, me too.
Your struggle to find your own worth is fantastic. How many people try this hard to self-actualize? Very few. I respect you so much for being as honest in this blog, as you have been. I RESPECT YOU. I would be proud to count you as a friend.
Shy? Because you feel you have nothing of value to contribute to someone, and I think a reluctance to reveal James behind the Erik Rhodes persona. I assure you James, that if they cannot perceive anything beyond that cardboard image you created, they aren't worth it. Have any of these tricks called you back? Or, were they just looking for a sexual encounter with a porn star? Please, think about it. Tricks are for kicks, not relationships. They are self-esteem band aids for you, as are drugs. Quick, temporary fixes that just don't work, and you know it. Reality is hard, but ever so much more fulfilling.
But, it's never easy.
And finally, after all this long diatribe, please know that you do not have to remain friends with your exes. Quit trying to gain Danny's approval-you'll never, ever get it. Stop flogging a dead horse-let it be. One more thing James, just one more, YOU ARE WORTHY.
ed.
1) Read your posts. You're mood goes from one extreme to the other within a matter of days.....ecstatic to suicidal, everything’s perfect to everyone is victimizing you. You're a strong black woman one day and an introverted pre-teen Goth girl the next. Look into "stability", like the concept.
2) Licking guys assholes on camera and prostituting yourself with fat old queens for money will not help your self esteem.
3) Generally you cannot get away with having STD's and doing hard core drugs without being considered complete trash unless you are a multimillionaire, and even then you may have trouble making it work......and that still comes with the expectation of a lethal finale.
hard core drugs = dirtbag. Unless you are from that episode of fantasy island where everyone "parties like a rock star".
4) "The Secret" is pseudo-metaphysical babble for morons that make publishers and authors rich. The term "dumb america" comes to mind.
All those starving Africans simply didn't wish enough for a better life! I want some rice, I want some rice, I want some rice....
(However, I suppose it could be used as a means to focus your motivations)
There are MILLIONS of people in the world who are born into war and unimaginable suffering that is very real and not self-inflicted.....and that is their life....until they die.
Nobody REALLY cares about porn stars beyond the service they provide, and any sympathy you think you may be getting is complete bullshit.
Please continue the entertainment.
Hey James,
First of all I wanted to take my hat of to you. Everytime I read your blog, it brings chills to my mind that you are finally living your life and enjoying it day by day. Keep your head up and continue to look ahead of what is to come. We got your back and art rooting for you. We will ALWAYS be here for you. You will never know how much of an inspiration you are to some of us especially me. Just to know that I can get on the blog and express my feeling to you as well. Keep clean, keep smiling and keep that BEAUTIFUL body looking REAL good. Love ya
Hi James -
Re: igbee's comment that 'Nobody REALLY cares about porn stars beyond the service they provide, and any sympathy you think you may be getting is complete bullshit'
Don't believe this crap. It may be true that not a whole lot of people care about the cartoon-character public image, but people here do care about the man behind that facade. Porn is a job. What matters is the person, and you have a lot of support out here.
Don't let the bastards get you down.
Stay strong, and have a great day!
cw: its been awhile..."Dozens of people here warned you that Danny was bad news. But you called them idiotic faggots and jealous homos for suggesting it"....You are so wrong, i never once called anyone "Jealous Homos"...what the fuck would anyone have to be jealous about?
James, I have been reading your blog for the last few weeks now and I too have depression and this last post just seemed to sum up how I feel about myself a lot of the time. I don't know the last time I felt worthy of friendship let alone a relationship.
However i am not trying to say that I know what you are going through cos I think that depression is a very personal thing and that no one else really understands it. You can try and explain it as best as you can but it will only ever truly make sense to you. Personally I find it patronising when people tell me they know how I feel.
You turned to drugs, i turned to drink. It's easy to say but getting wasted in whatever form is not the answer but I know the temptation cos the problem goes away for a while.
The people who are putting you down on here can all fuck off there is always someone who wants to kick you when you are down. They want to make themselves feel better by making someone feel worse. And they always seem to know exactly what to say to make you feel like a worthless piece of shit.
I personally don't care about you being a porn star or an escort or whatever you do. That is Erik Rhodes not James. Erik seems to be the exact opposite of who you really are, outgoing confident and with a fuck you attitude. But it is you who has to live your life not Erik. He is in essence a fake so ignore what people say about him.
I have been there with the extreme highs and lows and know how hard it can be to cope with the constant mood swings. My advice would be to see a doctor and get some antidepressants and counselling but just take it one day at a time and remember you always feel worse due to the illness.
As for Danny, you don't need to stay friends with him. It may work out it may not but don't let him make a fool out of you. I don't know him so i'm not gonna judge him but it does sound like a destructive situation to you and if it was one of my friends in this situation i'd tell them to get the hell out of it.
Anyway enough of my rambling dude, just take care of yourself and remember that the only person you need to worry about is yourself and the only opinion you should care about is your own one regarding yuorself.
Feelings are like waves in the ocean. They come and go and have high and low points. All you have to do is experience them. Observe even the most uncomfortable of feelings and then let it go.
Like it has been said may times in other postings before, consider therapy and twelve step. Having a feeling is often the reason why alcoholics, drug addicts, sexual compuslives, and others do what they do. It's the medication of the emotion that results in addiction.
You're job is not to figure out why but only to experience the feeling without sex and other substances. Therapy may help in discovering your process.
Intimacy is often said to be "into me see"; another person gets to see inside you. Physicality is easy but it can often lead to either a bring forth of two people's emotions together or serve as a wall by approaching the sex too fast. When that happens, the other body serves selfishly to project the fantasies of the individual.
Try being comfortable in your own skin. Spend some time, say one hour a week, with yourself doing things that you like to do. Listen to music, journal, meditate, or do some thing that can be like a date for yourself. Try making friends with people who you're not attracted to and also not attracted to you. Often within the gay community lookism happens when people hang out together simply because they look good together. Ask yourself: Would you spend time with this person if they were fifty pounds overweight and broke just for their personality.
Best of luck with your journey. Your progress from sex and drugs is going on a daily basis. Enjoy it.
James,
It's ups and downs.....that's life and living it. Stay clean, take advise and press on man. There are better days ahead.
Roger
I feel like going to the car and grabbing some beer, but then I know I'll regret it when the cravings subside.
Saying no should be considered empowerment. and drugs on the street.. eww, haha that is so cheap.
hey James,
How's your day been? Life here in Sydney is sweet. Here's 3 powerful self-questions I'ved found useful to keep myself on track. Perhaps they can be useful to you:
1. Am i behaving with self-respect now?
2. Am i showing others respect now?
3. What would a self-respecting person do now?
All the best :)
Oceanswimguy
I hope that you don't see this as just a fan responding but "you're definitely worth it." Even if I don't know you.
I'm in the same boat with you over all of the hook ups that are meaningless. Sometimes they turn out to be really hot but it's only an attraction, other times it's awkward, or it's just plain getting off. I feel like if I give into someone I just end up hurting myself because I fall too fast so I now I have this jaded guard up.
My final observation is this:
Life,
is just a bowl of
snakes.
Hi James,
I'm just wondering how you are doing? Are you feeling better, or still feeling tormented? Did you get over your shyness and try to call that guy to just hang out? I hope the rest of the week was better for you. Hope you're feeling better.
T.
any man who quotes Dustin K. deserves more than his mind can handle.
just how it is... this blessed curse.
you're reaching the plateau just like with anything your reach a point where everything plateaus and if you don't watch it it'll stagnate. there's always a few bumps but you've accomplished a lot. i know it sounds all so very cliche but really you've done great. keeping going bub
Bro God does love you man. I am not gay, and i randomly found your blog. but dude.....God made you for a reason and loves you. Just talk to him.....let him know whats up. Don't take God fro granted. He is more real than ever. For real bro.
Sorry this time has to be sucky.
prayin for you big man.
take it easy
"The sex is the easy part, its everything else that i suck at."
Crazy. I've got the opposite problem. Although, granted, having sex is easy but I suck at it and I don't particularly enjoy it. I guess that makes porn my drug.
I wish I had some helpful advice but you've got a lot of that here already.
My advice would be pointless. I can't imagine what your life is really like as I truly don't believe you can imagine one like mine.
Perhaps the reason we all blog is because we're all circling the same questions & insecurities: Am I alone? Does anyone really care? Is everybody else this fucked up or is just me?
I think you're asking all the right questions. That ought to attract something good your way in itself. Stay safe and keep at it!
I wrote this whole long comment and it didnt post... I'm actually upset cause it was really good, but I'll try to just paraphase it.
Basically I said stop being so hard on yourself. You're a great person. I know we've only hung out a few time, but I am a good judge of character and I wouldn't have wasted my time trying to be your friend all these years if you weren't worth it. These guys should count themselves lucky to be someone you're even interested in getting to know. I'm not trying to stroke your ego, I'm just tryin to keep it real.
with luv
ejames
Post a Comment