No matter where i stood, i still manage to stand.
I know i'm annoying. I know that i have more ups and downs than a see-saw. Lets just say that i have the worse case of Man-PMS known to man. But i'm fucking happy. The majority of it due to the guy that i have been seeing.
He single handedly has had my face hurting from all the smiling i have been doing. Its silly puppy love, i know, but it feels fucking good. I mean, you know maybe its to early to tell if we are completely compatiable, but the way he looks at me like he couldn't be happier to be with me is enough to have me completely hooked.
I'm not sure where this is going or if i'm even ready for another relationship just yet, cuz lets face it, i'm alot to deal with, but this is what i should be doing, taking things slow, enjoying life, having good people around me.
Hey maybe he will even distarct me enough this weekend from getting totally fucked up. I haven't tested those waters yet. I don't know if i wanna fuck up something i been enjoying so much by getting high. I guess well see how deep the hooks are set in on friday. I can actually hear the GHB in my fridge screaming to drink me. LOL. Kidding, maybe.
So on an even better note, I will be seeing the Hip Hop Group Atmosphere on sunday and i'm so fucking excited. The last time i was supposed to see them i ended up getting into a fight before the show and breaking some dudes face, spending some time in jail and fighting the court over 6 month stint behind bars.
What seemed like an eternity on probation and thousands and thousands of dollars later they are back into town and i completely intend on seeing them this time. I'll save the fighting for after the show. Motherfuckers better bring their retard helmets!
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
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30 comments:
Enjoy the honeymoon phase of this relationship James. Yes, it's too early to say and all that stuff, but have fun with him. Why shouldn't he be happy being with you? I just wish I knew why you're so insecure; no doubt it's based in your childhood or something.
Flush the G down the toilet. It makes you a complete idiot.
Good luck at the show and stay out of jail. Please see above comment.
see Forgetting Sarah Marshall with that dude this weekend its mad funny. Btw AMC Kipps Bay has huge mother fucking cockroaches running around, dont go there.
You are NOT annoying; you HAVE more up and downs than a see-saw.
Take your relation with this "wonderful" guy with all the time you need not to rush into something with your eyes closed. The best thing I could read in your new post is that the guy seems to give you an extra handle to stay away from drugs and alcohol. That is a great thing ; and use your toilet for that GHB you continue to keep in your fridge. why keep temptations around? It requires a big effort to stop using addictive substances; But I tend to have some renewed faith in you,James.
If you really want you can do it.
And tell me why do you have to go to see some show ecspecting to get into trouble? Just go, enjoy the show, take your companion with you and afterward go and have a nice pizza and maybe finish the evening at your or his place.
ANY trouble this time would be tenfold worse than the first time.
anyway, I wish you the best and give you a big hug, james.
Bruno
First step is to admit it - check. You will see how drugs can and cannot fit into your life now that you've began to change ways. This is a crucial step in healing.
My only advice is that you may be over-confident, but I am only saying that because I have been there multiple times.
Don't set yourself up for failure. cuz when you fall you could fall hard and deeper.
Cheers on the man though,
G
You are one gorgeous mess! Your mix of egotism, tenderness and volatility is amazingly riveting. There is no supernova more super than you!
glad things are still good.you should definitely get rid of the ghb. and any other "treats" you may have stashed around your place. but if you do imbibe, make sure the new guy is no where in sight. what he don't know won't send him running in the other direction, right? haha
hi again; I do not usuallysend more than one comment, when I do at all, but since I care for you I just wanted to ask you a simple question; Why do you need gammahydroxybutyrate at all?
You have a body that is physically perfect, so no need to use liquid ecstasy to assist muscle building growth hormones unless you want to become one of those circus freaks like Maciste while risking to end up like River Phoenix on the morgue slab.
for your sex life it can do any more than the way alcohol might "loosen you up a bit".
and if you use it to overcome your shyness, it is true that it lowers inhibitions, promotes a calm feeling , but occasionally with a darker mood and probably it is the cause of the fact that you so often get "wasted" as it also may cause stiffness, sedation, nausea and convulsions. And there is little information on how the drug affects long-term emotional and physical well-being.
So, James be smart. instead of calling it GHB everytime you think about it call it with its full name.
It takes a lot more time to decide to take a gulp of "gammahydroxybutyrate" than of GHB............
Be Smart and above all be safe, your beautiful mind and soul are too precious to risk like that.
Bruno
Every action has its consequence, whether it be breaking some guy's face or getting high in front of the guy you like. I'm sure you know what the consequences will be.
Pardon me for saying so, but I think somehow you are tempted to ruin the things you have in your life. Are you in a rebellious phase? I'm not pretending to know what's going on with your life, but it'll be wise to see someone for help. Get rid of your drugs if you like this guy. Try and build a better relationship than the ones you had before, if happiness is what you are after.
Drug is fun I'm sure, but the high doesn't last as long as a good life with someone that cares for you. I hope you see that, and I wish you the best.
Hi James -
First of all, you are not annoying. The point you are at in your life is one where you are dealing with physical and mental and emotional issues, and there are bound to be days when you're in a better mood, and days when you're in a worse mood. That isn't annoying unless you fake it to get sympathy or whatever... Remember, your readers are here because they want to be.
Many of the experiences you have been through, and are currently going through, are things that many of us have a bit of knowledge of, or experience with. There is a lot of understanding out here. I know it can be hard, but don't put yourself down like down, even in jest. You are a better man than that.
I am really happy that you are so happy. You deserve every moment of that happiness. Sure, this is the 'honeymoon phase', but it is worth enjoying every single moment of it, because it is helping to build the bond between the two of you. No one knows where it will end up, but if both of you are happy, run with that (together) as far as you can.
Are you a lot to deal with? Maybe. But, he's a big boy, too, and he can make up his mind as to whether he wants to become part of all that or not. If he brings out goood things in you, then give it an honest try.
Remember these good moments and good things. Even if this guy is not ultimately 'the one', those good things are still there - they are part of you, James, not the other man or the couple.
As far as the GHB goes, I can understand it still being in your fridge, as a 'security blanket'. But, you have proven how strong you can be, when you want to be. The question you need to answer is: If you're not using the stuff anyhow, are you strong enough to throw it away? Do you believe in yourself enough to know that you can get by, in a better way, without it?
Enjoy the show, and enjoy some cuddling afterwards, instead of fighting. 'Make love, not war', as the '60's saying goes...
Again, I am really happy to hear that you are doing so well. Stay strong, stay true to that good man inside of you, and enjoy the moments of your life.
A big cyber-hug from me!
The fact that you know that you can't have a fulfilling relationship and get all kinds of fucked up is the most clarity I have read in your posts.
Don't get me wrong, I am glad you have found someone you like and are enjoying yourself, but I worry about what happens if you can't let go of the drugs and the guy slips through your fingers.
GHB in the fridge calling out to you? Yeesh! I hate that stuff! Call it FTFO (Fall The Fuck Out) Juice. Do you keep drugs around just in case? Eeh, whatever the reason ( and I am sure there is one or a dozen ) just be careful with that crap. Not only is it dangerous by itself, as long as you use it you have a greater chance of relapsing on everything.
I am really digging the playlist on your blog and am a big Atmosphere fan myself. Enjoy the concert!
hugs iabe
p.s. you are only mildly annoying :)
Hey James
I'm glad to hear you're happy and smiling. I don't really have much to add beyond what others have already commented on. Remember the L'Oreal ads, "you're worth it". By that I mean you deserve to be happy, just like everyone else. Just beware of people trying to take advantage of you. They may not value you as highly as they might pretend. So be skeptical, but also be open. Okay now I'm babbling but good luck with the new boy and I wish you all the best.
Hey James, I feel so damn happy 4 u! U know when u post a blog full of drama they're great I must admit, but when u post a lighter one with you feeling elated it's 10 times better honestly. I couldn't be happier 4 u right know, seriously. And meanwhile just keep having fun and enjoy this guy. And I hope that this Sunday u have a blast. Well, and good luck with everything and just keep having fun.
Ur friend,
Erik Rodriguez
Slug is the man, Atmosphere will blow you away. The new album is amazing. But God Loves Ugly is one of his best albums. Check out When Life Gives You Lemons, Paint That Shit Gold if you haven't yet. I think there's a lot of songs you can relate to.
Aesop Rock is also pretty damn awesome too. Been listening to those two rappers non stop.
Thanks Adrenaline, but i have been fans of theirs since i was still straight and acting like a white gangster.
Aesop and Slug are some of the only rappers these days that make you think. Aesop is a wordsmith like no other.
After being a regular reader the past several months, it appears to me that you've gotten through the deep dark days of your depression... evident from the tone and attitude of your recent blog entries.
Whatever the case, seasonal depression, drug induced, a desolving relationship that came to an end, a reality wakeup....I think you're dark days are in the past (for now).
I'm sure you know that are a lot of aspects in your life that need some major attention. This forum was an excellent source to bring those things to light with the great advise you've been given.
Unfortunately, I sense you're not changing. I think now that you feel "better"/"happy", you'll go right back to your old lifestyle and habits.
I'm curious if you appreciate this "crutch" you've been leaning on, held up by so many caring people when you were depressed.
After reading about all your faults and weaknesses (you were so brutally honest about displaying them publicly)....you now leave us hanging....and I dont mean on the recent stories about drowl and getting "fucked up" and meeting some guy...I have to say...that's very boring.
We now want to tune in to read a success story. We want to read that you've changed, got a job you like, maybe that you're doing some volunteer work, going for therapy, appreciating the good things in life you possess, etc. At least something.....It's the American way...a winner, a success! You owe us! We've been there for you....we don't want to think that it was all in vain! BUT this is not reality. Most times people don't recover, unfortunately. They either, go insane, spend there lives in and out of prison or end up dead (I lost my best friend to drugs 6 years ago...dead at 39).
That's the reality of a drug abuser/addict.
We want to see you as a success story, desparately. But it takes the man that still entitles his Blog as "Slipping Away" to grasp all that is in his power to stand firmly on the ground to make it happen.
You HAVE to think out of the box. James is waiting.
I wish you luck.
Yeah man, Atmosphere is just insane. Fuck You Lucy has to be one of my favorite songs from them.
You should check out The Streets. Mike Skinner is one of the most amazing lyricists out there. Saw him at Coachella and man blew me the fuck away. Listen to Blinded By The Lights. I think you can relate to that song big time.
There are some sick ass white rappers out there beyond Eminem they just need to look for them.
Anyway man, you have great taste in music. Don't think many of your fans who read your blog realize that. I work in artist development for a couple indie record labels and not many people listen to what you listen to.
Since this is vaguely a music post, I’d also like to give you props for your musical tastes/playlist. I don’t have any life advice to give you, as I don’t exactly have my own shit figured out. I’m probably one of the few who doesn’t want to have sex with you, but I’ve grown to respect your raw confessional writing style, even if I sometimes have to decipher what the hell you are actually saying through your manic, stream of consciousness postings. I randomly stumbled across your site from a link on another site that didn’t exactly shower glowing praise upon you. After reading only a few posts, I definitely thought “This guy is every bit as crazy as the worst gays I know.” But I also noticed early on that you had pretty great musical taste, and no matter how much a mess anyone is, as long as they have decent taste in music, they are alright by me. Atmosphere is solid, and Radiohead is almost always quality, but you also have turned me on to some music I had never heard of, and have grown to really enjoy. That Gnarls Barkley song has a ton of interesting stuff going on in the mix, and Portishead always makes my gloomy days better. I had never heard of Cassettes Won’t Listen, but they have a very chill vibe going on in 552 Large Radio. I think if you like them you might like Mum, Boards of Canada, Zoot Woman, and Plaid, if you haven’t heard their stuff already. Perfect Day is a classic, it’s too bad Lou just got married (WTF is up with really out there musical dudes from the 70s eventually getting married, like Bowie? Is this the fate of all gays decades from now?). Thanks also for tipping me off to the NIN Ghosts release; although the track you posted is prolly the cream of the crop from Ghosts, some of the other more atmospheric tracks are decent as well. I love that you have old school NIN in the mix; nothing makes as much sense in terrible moods as Reznor’s near-perfect vision of hate, revenge, and absolution. I’m about your age and when Downward Spiral came out, it was a revelation, helping me deal with so much shit at that age and beyond. Anyway, just wanted to throw that out there. Keep on keeping on.
Am I the only fool out here that wants to shake you and tell you what you really should hear? I want to look you in the eyes, and say: "Erik...JAMES! You are too good for the life that you are leading. You are to good for porn, you are more worthy than drugs, and you are leaps above the debilitating effects of debased sex!"
Am I the only one who is thinking that?
But who am I to judge, right? I have no concept of the life you lead, the pain and sorrow that you experience. The depression that spins you deeper into a search for validity has no common ground with me. If you think that all, then you are probably slightly right - but not totally.
Something about your entries strike a chord in my heart. Some of the things you say, I say myself.
Listen, I just turned 20, have the Adonis Complex just as much as you, and have spent the last few years of my life watching you make vulgar videos. I'm just as screwed up as you, since I have been addicted to pornography - and still am - but the one thing that I would love for someone to do is get me away from it all. Say to me "Sam, you're better than it, and you know it. Come with me and I'll take you away from the battle. I will make you at ease."
So James, my heart goes out to you. I'm not going to give you a pat on the back anymore than I would applaud myself for watching hours of synthetic-artificial-video sex that resembles nothing of human form but only a chunk of metal called a laptop. I won't tell you that you are looking in the right places for happiness. I won't tell you that I am pleased with your work, because I hate myself for liking it.
I will tell you that you have pricked my heart with you all too familiar words of darkness. And myself, along with many other viewers, would love to help you. I don't care to help you because you're famous or built. I would love to help you because by helping someone else with their problems, might get my eyes off my own.
Right now, I don't have anyone that I can talk to about my addiction(s).
I wish I could quit.
I'll finish with a few words of what I would love to do. I would love to take you away from the places your are in - the places you are looking for answers - and take you to somewhere you didn't have to fight the daily battles. I wish I could get you to a spot where temptation isn't biting at your ankles.
Come with me. Spend a week in my home. Ask me questions about my life and stop critiquing yours to this obsessive point.
Unfortunately, I don't have that place of "no temptation." But I do have my broken "seedy" apartment with a few simple promises: No sex, No drugs, No mirrors, No homos, No porn.
Is there enough of an adrenaline junkie left in you to make this leap into the world of what I know should sound lame, boring, and anti-adventuresome?
I'm not a fan of your porn, James. Honestly, I hate it. I hate it because it makes me hate myself. But I recognize the feelings you speak about in your blog. I'm not asking you with stars twinkling in my eyes, I'm asking you because I can relate.
Sam
PS. I realize there is no way that I can write all that and still maintain some amount of sanity in your mind. I'm not a loser. I'm not weird. You might just have to take my word for believing how "normal" I really am.
Am I the only fool out here that wants to shake you and tell you what you really should hear? I want to look you in the eyes, and say: "Erik...JAMES! You are too good for the life that you are leading. You are to good for porn, you are more worthy than drugs, and you are leaps above the debilitating effects of debased sex!"
Am I the only one who is thinking that?
But who am I to judge, right? I have no concept of the life you lead, the pain and sorrow that you experience. The depression that spins you deeper into a search for validity has no common ground with me. If you think that all, then you are probably slightly right - but not totally.
Something about your entries strike a chord in my heart. Some of the things you say, I say myself.
Listen, I just turned 20, have the Adonis Complex just as much as you, and have spent the last few years of my life watching you make vulgar videos. I'm just as screwed up as you, since I have been addicted to pornography - and still am - but the one thing that I would love for someone to do is get me away from it all. Say to me "Sam, you're better than it, and you know it. Come with me and I'll take you away from the battle. I will make you at ease."
So James, my heart goes out to you. I'm not going to give you a pat on the back anymore than I would applaud myself for watching hours of synthetic-artificial-video sex that resembles nothing of human form but only a chunk of metal called a laptop. I won't tell you that you are looking in the right places for happiness. I won't tell you that I am pleased with your work, because I hate myself for liking it.
I will tell you that you have pricked my heart with you all too familiar words of darkness. And myself, along with many other viewers, would love to help you. I don't care to help you because you're famous or built. I would love to help you because by helping someone else with their problems, might get my eyes off my own.
Right now, I don't have anyone that I can talk to about my addiction(s).
I wish I could quit.
I'll finish with a few words of what I would love to do. I would love to take you away from the places your are in - the places you are looking for answers - and take you to somewhere you didn't have to fight the daily battles. I wish I could get you to a spot where temptation isn't biting at your ankles.
Come with me. Spend a week in my home. Ask me questions about my life and stop critiquing yours to this obsessive point.
Unfortunately, I don't have that place of "no temptation." But I do have my broken "seedy" apartment with a few simple promises: No sex, No drugs, No mirrors, No homos, No porn.
Is there enough of an adrenaline junkie left in you to make this leap into the world of what I know should sound lame, boring, and anti-adventuresome?
I'm not a fan of your porn, James. Honestly, I hate it. I hate it because it makes me hate myself. But I recognize the feelings you speak about in your blog. I'm not asking you with stars twinkling in my eyes, I'm asking you because I can relate.
Sam
PS. I realize there is no way that I can write all that and still maintain some amount of sanity in your mind. I'm not a loser. I'm not weird. You might just have to take my word for believing how "normal" I really am.
Sam.. No ones to good for sex...
you are funny!
I dont get it--you do porn, you still keep drugs in your house, yet you want everyone you are with to accept this. Sorry but you cant make people feel sorry for you all the time--you are in your late twenties and if you want to change your life, do it yourself and stop feeling sorry and sad for yourself and waiting for other people to make you happy. trust me it's incredibly draining and you have more red flags than the chinese government.
Inspiring!
I have two comments for you...
1. I'm glad your happy... you totally deserve it. I hope things work out with this guy. maybe, depending on where things go, I could meet him someday... idk
2. GHB? No GHB! I know I'm too late cause its 10:46 pm on a sat nite... and if you were going to do it you would have already done it by now but dude. no more G pls... I'm just tryin to look out for you.
with luv
ejames
what kinda trouble did you get up to this weekend? :P
I wrote about a technique of self-reminder and repetition to get over cravings.
check it, comment if you like. You seem like you can do a lot, and you have already. so I hope when you see a msg from me you can say 'no' even one more time.
peace out,
G
The guy seems nice, keep it real with him, let him know what's up with you. And get that stuff out of the house, we need you safe and sound kiddo
Boooo it's Monday and no update on your travels to the concert!
Perhaps you're recovering...
Dear Erik,
I thought you have described yourself as a bottom who is "only good at getting fucked in the ass."
Yet you describe this new guy you're dating, who makes you happy and smiley, as a "muscle twink bottom."
What preferred position? What does it depend on? Are you genuinely versatile and simply cast in porn flicks as a bottom more often because you're good at it?
Do you top the new guy you're seeing, and would you say you're getting your maximum pleasure by topping him?
I understand if you feel the answers are none of our business. And I don't expect people to be 100% Bottom or Top.
I'm just always curious how different people get pleasure differently from gay sex.
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