So its weird...
As i hang out with Danny more and more, i see myself becoming the same person i was, both for the good and the bad. The good of course being the fact i feel grounded and secure. Its like i have the little imaginary angel back on my shoulder whispering to me, "James, don't be dumb". And i listen. Even thou, i'm not sure where we stand i do feel loved. Loved at least just enough to have me come back for more. I'm a sucker for love, what can i say.
The bad being the fact that i become a recluse. I don't talk with friends and i live day in and day out in a mind numbing pattern that has no real ups and downs, just a straight line, maybe more of a flatline, because jesus does it ever feel like i'm a zombie. The high point of my day is deciding wether i'm going to be a fat pig and get the meatloaf at Boston Market or just stick to my normal routine of getting half a chicken.
It was this extremely hollow lifestyle that lead me to do drugs behind Dannys back when we dated. It was the reason i would lie to him that i had no more herione even thou i still enough to kill a small army. I just figured "that day", you know the day you just can't take it anymore and you give up? Well i figured when "that day" came around, i needed to be well supplied to forget all about that day, and more than even just that day but enough to forget my whole meaningless existance.
Anyways, before i get that bad, i need to figure out how i can avoid becoming a zombie again. Granted, the drugs are a thing of the past. But my routine is back in full swing and I feel the boredem slowly yet surely creeping in.
I even thought about getting a job, Yes a fucking job! Doing what, i have no clue. But maybe it would be an outlet away from my boredem and routine. Jesus, i dont have much when it comes to skills, if i could only find a job that would pay great money to steal music online all day then i would be fucking happy as a pig in shit. I'd be employee of the month, every month!
I think i also need to learn how to be a real friend. Learn how to pick up phone calls and not just tell people what they want to hear just to get off the phone quicker. I can't avoid friends just cause Danny is back in my life. I always ditch my friends for my bf, until i end up having no friends left. I need to grow up and lean how to handle both. I need to find a happy medium instead of favoring one or the other. I hung up my phone on 2 friends over the course of writing this, so starting.....NOW!
"This isn't me" i used to say, But it is... I just need to change. It feels good to be alive, cuz i have been dead for so long.
Thursday, April 3, 2008
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34 comments:
Now with Danny back in your life you've to learn to be on your own, without a partner, so when the next time a thing like this happens you don't break like you did these last couple of months.
It's always hard when a thing like that happens, we all have to deal with that, but sulking for a long time, and/or alcohol and drugs is not the solution, YOU ARE THE SOLUTION !!!
It's your life and you have to live it!
If you don't need a job for money, how about volunteer work? There's bound to be tons of orgs in NYC that need help.
with danny back are you giving up porn and escorting? i would hope so
I say you should think about being a personal trainer in a non scene type of gym where you can help people meet their goals while pursuing your own.
I think you would be great at it, encouraging the less physically gifted. I know I'd appreciate the help... well actually I would be physically afraid of you and just do what you say to not get you annoyed. DON'T HURT MEEEEEEEE!!!!!
Since you can't possibly be with your boyfriend 24 hours a day, it might be good that you foind a job that you like to do, something meaningful that would make you happy. Then it won't be a flatline.
I agree with the personal trainer gig as a great job
I'm still taking one course a semester through online learning. About 6 years of post secondary now? meh, keeps me occupied.
Perhaps you could get a job in media relations with one of your friends, although I don't know if you like dealing with people..
I've been feeling the 'run from it all' feeling the past few days. Then I looked at faces of crystal meth and said there is no way in hell I'm going back there, thats actually why I came to your site.
Have you written down your short and long term goals, and how you will achieve 'success' at the end of this journey? I constantly write things in little notepad documents just as a release.. the important stuff i'll keep, but the little things i can click X at the end of the day
ps. read ma blogggggg
Okay, here I go again. You're smarter than this James. You know you've fallen right back into the same rut you were in before. You have to climb out of it or you're right back where you were 3 months ago. Nothing has changed, has it?
Get some self worth, will you? No one can love you until you love yourself. You'll never be satisfied because, as we discussed before, it is a qualified love. You're a love junkie James and for now at least, Danny gives you a fix. Pretty soon you're going to start resenting his control over you again and you're going to rebel, again. Then it starts all over again, same hell, new day.
Stop whingeing about a job and just get one, any one, anything. It will occupy your mind with something other than 'love'. All of us on here have suggested things where you could excel, why not some of them? Get a job like real people do - an idle mind is the devil's workshop.
One last thing-you have consistently displayed your intellect and insight over the last 3 months. Develop that marvelous, sexy, attractive brain as well as your marvelous, sexy, attractive body. Once you have done that, use it. You're avoiding simple truths that you already know.
you should just write a tell all. you're already doing it here so its not like it would be all that hard. you could even cheat a little and put a few of these posts in there. just fill it up with nothing but sex (that shouldn't be hard) and it will fly off the shelf.
Edmcan is right on target. The definition of insanity is repeating the same mistakes over again and then expecting a different result.
No one said this would be easy. Most people fail at what you say you want to do, that is, save themself from a horrible predicament.
You say you have no skill? Take an employment/interests aptitude test and analyze the results. Then go with your strengths and get a job.
As I see it, you have a few choices:
1. Continue as you are and be unhappy
2. Find a wealthy benefactor and live well for a few years.
3. End it all now.
OR
4. Show some fortitude and make a life for yourself. You have the physical and mental attributes to succeed.
Its ALL your CHOICE!
This ain't spam, I'm just throwing this out there in case you give a fuck James...or anybody else for that matter.
Watch the movie "Zeitgeist", you can watch it for free on the website (www.zeitgeistmovie.com).
Might help you gain some perspective on life, and how you want to live out your remaining years.
(F.Y.I. I still believe in God or a "Higher Power"...just not any traditional one.
The point of the movie is more to make you question things, not draw immediate conclusions).
Temporarily, get a job as a trainer at a real gym (not one where people go to see and be seen) while you do whatever you need to do to get into a career you want to spend decades doing. Writing, perhaps. You have a natural talent for that.
Hey James,
Ever check your facebook?
lates,
-r
Eric.. who performs the track you've got looping.. I think it's called it will be worth it.. sounds a bit like depeche mode?
James you kick ass!
You go boy, you're gunna make it and it's going to feel so good!
xx :)
Hi james ,or Erik since it seems that you are back where you were at the beginning. I have not much to say only that unfortunately EDCAM is right 100%.
So it is useless to even try to be your friend, at least until you at least listen to what we try to tell you. Anyway it is your life; it is up to you to live it as a man or as Danny's toy.
I was 29 when I came to Canada from Italy with an engineer degree and for one year I just worked as dishwasher in a restaurant while studying the evening to pass the tests required here to have my title recognized.
So do not tell me You have no skills. You surely can wash dishes, don't you?
maybe to be a gym instructor ( in a small non gay gym where nobody knows you as ErikRhodes) would be a good solution.
And if you still have enough free will left, do not move back with Danny. date him but have your own life with friends and FAMILY.
Anyway, wish you well.
Bruno
Hi James -
I think you have already identified the problem here, and part of the solution, as well...
Your life can't just be about being in love, because that will require another person, and you can't be sure that other person will always be there. And even if they are, they may not always be who or what you need them to be.
If you love yourself first, then things like keeping in contact with your friends will be easier, because there will be an inherent acknowledgment of how important they are to your life. (Not the couple's life.)
If love keeps you from family and friends, is it good for you as a whole person?
Maybe going for more walks would help to keep from being a zombie?
As for a job, it might be a good idea. Yes, you can write - you have proved that here. Whether that's something you want to pursue is up to you.
Since you like music, have you considered a career in radio? OK, it's not the same stealing music online. But, there would be involvement with the music industry, and you've mentioned a few times how much music is important to you. Plus, if you want to move away from the porn industry and be a bit more anonymous, people won't be able to see you over the airwaves. Anyhow, it's just a thought.
Stay strong and stay aware of what you're doing. This is one of those 'growing pains' you need to get through on the road to being who you want to be.
All the best!
James, don't get too worked up about feeling back in a rut. You've moved forward a step and feeling better, not feeling self-destructive and finding things to enjoy in your life. These are all good things and worth recognizing. At the same time, you've been to this place before, so you're right that staying in this condition won't help you for long.
It's tough when we pin our happiness on any one person or thing. They can't possible give us everything we want, need and deserve, and the rest of our time is just filler between the times we get to see them. I've been through that routine and you're right, it's a tough way to live.
Anyway, you're on track -- it's just a matter of replacing the boredom with things and people that genuinely interest you. If you want meaning in your life, all you have to do is start looking for meaningful things.
People have already made great suggestions -- volunteering, becoming a personal trainer. The only thing is that you are the only one who knows what gets you going. The key is to make the effort to look for anything that grabs your interest, because it's much easier to stick with the way you're used to doing things and stick in that rut.
One last thing -- just a reminder that your friends are trying to let you know that Danny isn't the only one that cares about you. If you want people to appreciate you for being yourself instead of just a porn star, eventually you're going to have to actually be willing to show them who you are. It doesn't have to happen all at once, you can learn to show a little bit, get comfortable with that, and then a little more. Bit by bit, that's all you ever have to do with anything. Usually it's also the only thing that works.
WOW!
I have to say, you have gotten a lot of very good advice today James. (just read the 19 preceding comments). It sounds like you are stabilized for now but this could be dangerous, especially the way you're feeling (bored and a recluse). This in a way should be an exciting time for you. A time for changes. It's natural that you would feel a void right now since you have filled your time with the drugs in the past when you used to feel this way. Time to fill it with things you enjoy and possibly a job or volunteer work like some have suggested. You're living life man. It can be monotonous and boring at times. You need to figure out what you like to do...and the spin it has in relationship to a job. You're honesty with yourself is the most valuable thing in your life right now. You're right where you should be.
You're doing OK kiddo!
Roger
I totally understand the phone thing....I have a friend that calls me pretty often and he talks....A LOT. But since I'm a friend, I listen (usually over the TV....kidding.....ok, not really).
Keep in mind, as much as I may feel they're needy and problematic, they may sometimes feel the same about me, but helping them through their tough times is what friends do. Good friends are even better, because they will check me when me when I need it and remind me that my shit smells just as bad as everybody else's (yes, I can be blunt and to the point).
wow are you popular here getting all this support.
I would add to it, but I feel you already know what to do.
All the luck in the universe to ya!
You have made some really impressive and positive changes in your life. Do not fall back into the world you worked so hard to escape.
I agree with other readers that the changes and the life that you are making have to truly be for yourself first and foremost. Finding love with...whomever you choose...is entirely up to you. Make certain regardless of who you want to love you don't fall into old routines and regrets. It just sounds like if things continue down this current slope the old dependencies will begin.
From what you have written you understand you do need more than just a boyfriend in your life at this point. That clarity of thought is important. Talk to friends...it doesn't have to be hours on end...but talk with them. Let them know what is going on in your world and find out what is going on in theirs. There is always email and text messaging if you don't want to actually talk. As long as they support your goals to improve your life they can be a good resource and a good ear for what you are thinking and feeling. If they don't support your efforts...ditch 'em.
As far as a job goes I think that is an excellent idea. Your friends may know of something that you would enjoy. See if there is a radio station close to you where you could work a few hours. I think the personal trainer idea is good as long as it isn't a meat market gym. You could assist with nutrition as well as workout regiments. NY has several support/assistance organizations. You could work with dogs and cats or with people if you choose. Many have written and I agree...you should work with your writing a bit more. If all else fails there may to be a few small theaters around you that you could work backstage in sound or lighting as part of an apprenticeship program.
Good luck in whatever you choose.
Personal trainer, DJ, pornstar or escort... it is not so important your job as feeling ok while you're on it. Life comes in many different ways... you choose some of them... and some of them choose to you. But it's important to focus your feelings about "important" things. Might discover them first.
Hope you'll be lucky... (from Spain).
Its probably ok to be hanging up on friends when these are your former tina friends trying to get you in trouble. I am guessing its not the kind of friend calling up to play a round of tennis or to go kayaking down a river eh? Because if its the trouble kind of friend just hang up. Keep up with the law of attraction from The Secret and start thinking of attracting friends that will bring out the good side of you. Dont mean to sound preachy, but I have gone thru the same thing... had to purge old friends, and be pretty lonely before i found a good, healthier group of guys to hang with.
good for you!
sounds like you're feeling sorry for yourself.
instead of being a miserable person. do something to change your life and make urself happy
eat the meatloaf and shut up.
what do muscle heads do for a job? hmmmm.... personal trainer.
what do ex-porn stars do?
hmmm... go behind the camera.
stop being a whiner!
You discuss dropping your friends for Danny. I thought Danny and you were supposed to be friends too. You came crawling back so soon?!?
James, if you're bored, how about you (and Danny) help me raise money for MS (Go here to contribute and see)and then come this Sunday and walk with us? Not only would it give you something truly awesome to do, but it would be great for your body. I would also love to see you both again. Btw, I am still getting over a sprained ankle and I'm still walking.
I'm walking for my coworker Sandra who is 31, has a 5 year old daughter and recently got struck with MS. Kinda scary, no? Anything you could do to help me with this would mean so damn much to me and to her.
Beyond that, I totally agree with others. Unfortunately, that movie lied. A relationship doesn't complete you. YOU complete you. A relationship just rounds it all out and makes your life shine brighter. It's not fair to Danny to expect that he would be everything you need. You need to do some of the work and heft yourself. That's why people (even those in relationships) have friends, jobs, hobbies, and time for self.
Frankly, it sounds like you've got bored housewife syndrome. Go do something with yourself - go work, a job, any job, whether it's a trainer, a receptionist, a waiter, or SOMETHING. Go study photography - god knows you're in the perfect industry to learn more about it if it's of interest to you. And speaking of interest, go study writing since you enjoy it. Basically, anything you can do to keep busy and be useful and contribute to society will help that boredom. And yes, you have plenty of skills, plenty more than you give yourself credit for. Ask a (real) friend and I'm sure they'll tell you.
Oh christ so you're THAT guy. I have such little respect for those people who HAVE to be in a relationship. I love people who drop friends because they are needy babies. Too bad you don't see that creep the way the rest of the world did on tv. It makes for great reading though. It's gonna end up bad, yet be so good. Hey, how about putting up a song from "Downward Spiral"?
James,
Take a moment to relax and be by yourself. Take a walk around the city if need be. Go jogging. Do a sports-like activity. Just have some actual fun. Do that and rest, let your mind clear. THEN think of what you really need to do. Just follow your heart, and I'm sure you'll be fine :-)
-Chris
What is there to say. First, go with the half-chicken. Don't feel bad about wanting to be a recluse, after all, I think we all wish we were most of the time.
But most of all, despite your opinion to the contrary, you have a lot to offer, besides your body. I have to commend you for putting all this out there. It takes a pretty brave soul to do that, especially as well known as you are.
But don't second-guess yourself. It sounds like for the first time in a long while you are becoming more comfortable with yourself. And though that may feel uncomfortable at times, it is where you need to be. You know the answers to your own questions, and they're not in God, Danny, mindless sex, or drugs. As much as all that feels great, those thins are merely attempts to distract yourself from the things you really want to do and who you really are.
Don't allow the people and things that suck the life out of you to continue to do so. Kepp searching for stability and it will come, even if it means being on anti-depressants to get there
I'm sure I'm not the first person to suggest this to you, but have you thought about getting a job as a columnist for a gay magazine or web site? With your writing ability, life experience and (yes) incredible looks, I'm sure "The Advocate" or "Out" would be thrilled to take you on.
Don't give up; you're on the right track.
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