So this weekend was filled with so many mixed emotions, my head feels like its about to explode.
I spent the majority of this weekend with my ex Danny. We were celebrating his 25th birthday. But even with that in mind, Just like when we dated, we fought like cats and dogs. But most of the fighting was out of jealousies i think. I think we both intended for the other to sit on their ass and not try to reconnect with other men. I think we were both upset and pissed off at each when we did.
But i think when all was said and done, we finally met on some common ground. I'm starting to tear up as i write this but maybe the positive thinking worked. After i was done watching "The Secret" i wrote down a list of the things i wanted as the movie suggests to do. Having Danny back in my life was the number one thing on my list. Yes we are just trying to be friends now, but that alone is enough to make my miserable world alittle brighter.
Danny and i had a long talk last night about my multiple personalities and both agreed that its time that Erik Rhodes is going to have to take a back seat to who i really am. Its been over 4 years of hiding in the shadows of someone i never intended on becoming. I'm over it now. Someone had once said to me when they found out what my real name was that it ruined their whole fantasy, well if that is you, i suggest you stop reading now:
This was originally not for public consumption:
My name is James Elliott N.
I was born in 1-9-8-2, at Biosfet hospital, located in Long Island, NY
I am 6 foot, three I weigh 2-3-0 pounds
I have brown hair and brown eyes
I enjoy the gym, stealing music, movies and diner food
I have one brother, Jon, two sisters Danielle and Michelle
And two parents, Jim and Sue
In January of 2-0-0-8, I went crazy.
I have a lazy left eye
I snore
I am completely insecure
I am a long term relationship guy
I am a let down
But as of now i have goals and i am determined to achieve success and happiness in this lifetime.
I will always win.
I guess it is kind of funny when you look at it from a step back
How one man can literally buckle under the same pressures
Other men operate normally under
I have soaked this out from all angles, walking through time
I have been over everything in my head, still I can't think anymore
But I guess some times, when you can't breathe, there are people there
To breathe for you
I am lucky enough to have those people around me
Thank you for helping me to not die.
Sunday, March 23, 2008
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70 comments:
Well, I´m glad you´re doing better. But be careful... the "crazy" episode (as you call it) might not be completely over yet... I wish you could lift your defenses high in case some of the crazyness wants to step back in. Oh, and by the way, I like James better than Erik :P
Hello James Elliott,
It's nice meeting you for the first time! Breathing just got a little less troubled. And it is nice to have you back in this world, rebirth!!! Embrace your new found self!!!
Oh, James. :)
Hi James,
I figured your real name was James from other comments on this blog, I wanted to tell you for some time that you should give up the stage name, Erik Rhodes, and go back to your original birth name, I figured it would be a big step to get you closer to your goal, and further from your problems. You really sound like you are doing a lot better, and you have seemed to accomplished and dealt with quite a bit emotionally, mentally, physically, etc, in a short period of time. Between January and March is not that much time to overcome, or even get to the point where you are, for some people that have experienced some of the same emotional and mental trauma you've experienced. One description I think you left off of your list is courage. The definition of courage is the "mental or mortal strength to venture, persevere, and withstand danger, fear, or difficulty", and I feel you personify the definition of courage. To publicly accept and acknowledge your flaws and be so candid takes a great deal of courage, not many people are brave enough to put it all out there. And even if you fall back, you pick yourself up and try to move forward again, and again. I know some people get disappointed and annoyed when you fall, but that is all a part of moving forward. It's like practice so you can teach yourself never to fall again, or at least not as often. Stay strong, continue to persevere, and keep growing and winning! It's nice to finally meet James (he's not so bad at all). All the best!
Your latest entry will be helpful. You may be coming through the tunnel now. You seem very intelligent - I know a few people in your industry...and you know as well as I do that they let a few good men die this year - and I have wondered if a blog reader or ...anyone, would say to you - the words that you wrote here. The words: "Please Don't Die"
Now you've said them, and so have I. Everything is almost new again. It's Spring. Hang in There Baby!
Randy
www.QueersTower.com
James, it is a pleasure to finally make your acquaintance. I hope you're starting to see what many of us have seen for a while -- that you're a great guy that's already come a long way. Keep looking for reasons to feel good and everything will work itself out.
I cannot figure out why you feel that you're a letdown-all of the 'faults' you list seem to me to be rather normal and human.
I like you no matter what name you use. I don't want to preach to you, but you're never a disappointment. It just goes to show you that people can see through the bullshit and see the real you. Those who want to believe in the 'Erik Rhodes' construction...well, who cares?
Please remember that, as bad as it gets, you're never alone. I cannot tell you how deeply this posting has touched me. Grizzly, calloused, crabby old me. :-)
Hope persists in the darkest of hours, in the face of the harshest critics and when it appears to have gone.
You are proof of that! It does my heart some good to know that too
Having Danny back in my life was the number one thing on my list ... Danny and i had a long talk last night about my multiple personalities
You are a lot sicker than I ever imagined.
James,
I think at this point the fantasy of "Erik Rhodes" can be placed in the backseat of a cab headed for parts unknown. It is time for the real you to start living again.
Good luck to you in all that you do. Keep looking forward even when people and circumstances get you down. You have proven...in an incredibly short span of time...you can get through anything. Live life to the fullest and always keep your goals in your mind.
James,
I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through right now. Keep your focus and surround yourself with good people. It WILL get better man.
Roger (bartender at the Rawhide)
nice to meet you, James. :)
its great meeting you for the first time...
snoring is ok...and a "lazy eye" can be sexy...:)
and clearly, you are in a place of finally starting to getting to know YOU...
that's half the battle right there.
You sound just like any other person, I have a lazy eye too. I don't really know what image you were portraying, but James suits you. I think I'll still like you no matter what.
Dude go get help. At the moment allim thinking of you is that your a crazy attention seeking media whore. Your better then that. Listen to thesecomment posters. The majority are saying the same thing. YOU NEED A MAJOR LIFE CHANGE.
Kia ora. Nunu
This post has been, for me, the best one so far. In a way, the most positive.
You are clearly working your way out of the tunnel. Step by step.
Erik is a nice name, but I like calling people by their name, I think it is pretty important. So - there you go: Hi James!
I read your description with interest. You are after all - normal, like everybody else. And like everybody else - special and unique at the same time.
You say "I will always win" - it is a positive and motivating thought - but remember that you can also lose: it is very important to keep this in mind as well.
If we have helped you "breathe for you", I am glad and hope we can continue helping you whenever you need us. We'll be there.
Ciao,
P(aolo)
Psh, finding out personal info about porn stars doesn't ruin the fantasy. At least, not for me. It's nice to know about the people underneath the exterior, to just know that someone's actually there.
That said, nice to meet you, James!
Hey Erik,
I've read your blog before, but this is the first time I've actually been motivated to start an accout just so I could post a comment. I know all "The Secret" stuff sounds like a lot of mumbo jumbo, but it really does work. It can be life-changing, and amazingly, it's very easy because it only requires you change your thoughts and your outlook.
One thing I did want to add is that "The Secret" is a great introduction to the Law of Attraction, but there is a book called the Law of Attraction by Michael Losier that is quite a bit better for someone who is serious about applying this to their life. I've even worked with the guy who wrote the book and know that it's going to help you immensely (sp?).
Funny how it works, last month when I was reading you blog, I wanted to post a comment about how I thought the law of attraction could help you change your life. Funny how it came to you anyway....further proof that it works.
I'm not a law of attraction practitioner or anything, but if you want to support as to how to apply it in your life or how ask "the universe" in a more successful way (I'm surrounded by people who are very good at making it work) feel free to contact me. Getting your law of attraction success and wants communicated to others helps you manifest these things much more quickly. It doesn't have to be me, it could be your brother (he introduced you to it, right?). Possibly the two of your could reinforce and assist each other to get what you want in life.
Hello James. I am glad that you're alive today. You have taken this blog to places I've never seen on the net. You will get through this and someday look back on the dark times and it will all seem unreal. Keep working with your goals, and focus on what you want and deserve...I think for a while there you started to believe that you didn't deserve happiness, love and kept people at arms length to protect yourself. Thanks for opening up, and trusting that there are good people who won't judge you, and will accept you for who you really are...keeping up the facade is exhausting, go ahead and exhale.
James...
I think the name James is a great name. I think that a lot of strangers care about you. I think it's wonderful that you're writing such open and deep blogs. I think you're intelligent, beautiful, level-headed and down to earth.
I have to agree with someone who posted something about it being spring. Things can only get better from here. Out with the old and in the with the new.
I know the name James is a great name. I know that a lot of strangers care about you. I know it's wonderful that you're writing such open and deep blogs. I know you're intelligent, beautiful, level-headed and down to earth.
We, all of us, are here for you.
Take care of yourself,
<3 Mark
Hello James,
Good to see you are getting honest. At one time I had many people around me with some of the problems you have talked about. To handle it I went to a 12 step program and applied what I learned there in dealing with those problems so I wouldn't be an enabler. I found 12 steps to be a great tool for life. It brought lots of things into perspective and how to use the steps to handle problems. I found that you can apply those principles to any problem you have resolve or an answer on how to handle it. Years ago I had someone close to me go through troubling times too. Every time she call me with her problems, I used 12 steps to answer her. She thought I was some miracle worker because she took what I said and applied to her problem and got a resolve or an understanding. She wanted to know what the secret was. I told her it was only 12 steps. I don't have a problem with drugs or alcohol, and you don't have to have a problem with addiction for 12 steps to work. Any 12 step program will work. Just pick one anyone they all work. I told her this 3 times and the last time she heard me. Her life at this point got very desperate, and she remember what I had said about 12 steps. She thought her problem was food and went to Overeaters Anonymous. After going there for a while she discovered her problem was really alcohol. Its been 12 years and she has stayed sober, and has delivered her from her insanity. And I have to truly thank 12 steps for returning my sister and best friend.
So James, may I also say this to you....
If you are looking to rid your life of its insanity.....
Pick one anyone they all work!
You wont find someone that will fix you. The work is all up to you. If you want the gifts you have to do the work.
Jim (or James or Jimmy) Elliot from Long Island sounds cool enough and hot enough for me. (Hotter than most Manhattan goofballs). There's still nothing wrong with Erik Rhodes, but that's just the stage name for one particular job you do. Plenty of actors, writers, artists, etc., have done the same. No reason to feel all schizophrenic over it.
I enjoy stealing music too hahah.
I always wondered what your real name was, i remember reading it somewhere.
Honestly the whole "Erik Rhodes" persona kinda annoyed me.
I dont see what the big deal is with people liking porn stars so much, or porn in general.
hi, James Elliot, pleased to know your real name. It will not change my opinion or feelings for you; I still think you are a young man with a big handsome body and an even bigger beautiful soul and heart. I am still rooting for you and hoping you can really make peace with yourself. And what i said to the guy named Erik is valid for James too.
So, kiddo. my best wishes and a big hug. I could have never hugged Erik the porn star, but I surely can hug James, as a great-uncle could. Ciao, Bruno
Please to meet you James Elliot - no doubt you won't remember me, but you directed me once to YRB - the t-shirt place.
Couldn't find what I was looking for, but it was a pleasure to shake your hand, and hope you find what you seek, and remember the Law of Attraction is always working -
LISTEN!!!
ive said this before ... i hope listen or care.
i dont care if you make up a fake email. i dont care if you respond to what i have to tell you although feedback would be nice. i dont want you to misunderstand any reason why im asking you to do this. but ...
i
REALLY
need
to tell you
something.
please respond to me. its nothing i can put on this site or in front of these people. but (i think) you need to hear it.
swansboroexp@aim.com
PLEASE ...
keep it up dude. I didn't know who the fuck you were - found you through your playlist - good music...
But, as a gay man, in recovery, trying to be authentic and honest, I can welcome you to the world. The "secret" is...whatever. But if it works, great - keep coming into the rooms, though - that's my secret.
James Elliot I like your real name but Erik is a "strong" name as well.
Slipping Away? How bout Slipping Back, you seem to be using this blog as therapy and a way to work thru your problems, moving forward thru your nightmare.
Good luck to you James and All the Best!
I love you, man. So proud of you. This was a great post. I'm outta words. xoxo
It's nice that "The Secret", of all things, has made you realize what a fuck up you really are. And a let down.
I say this all the time, and no one actually listens, but, "The gay community is its own worst enemy."
You are, God Knows Why, a role model to so many homosexual kids because they don't have a lot to relate to in life, and you guys are such fucking let downs.
All you think about is sex, when men(all men, not just hetero) need to bond more and be supportive of each other. But guys like you have to do drugs to realize that your body worship - "I'm so fucking H-O-T" - gay insecurity - trying to fill the void - BULLSHIT, aint working. You need more in life.
That's why I hate gay men so much, but we all like to watch someone like you and that fucked up Britney Spears go nuts.
Hi James -
Congratulations on taking this step!
"T" is right - you forgot to credit yourself with courage, and it has taken a lot of that to get yourself this far. Give yourself a pat on the back - you have really earned it.
It's amazing how far you have come over the last months. You are an inspiration, whether you see it that way right now or not.
Stay strong, be yourself, and know that a lot of people out here are still sending a lot of positive energy your way.
All the best!
fuck you leo ...
leo = cookoo
stay away
I gotta agree with Jason Sechrest here, that was a great post James. I'm speechless, but I'm very impressed you had the courage to do this. :)
Nice to meet you James. Glad your seeing more to life than whats in front of you. You may also think about reading that new Oprah book club selection, its changing the way I view things and hell it can't hurt.
: )
Smile Big!!
Nice to meet you, James. Oh, and curse you for getting me all curious about the movie, "the Secret". Maybe after exams, I'll check it out.
Welcome back to the Real World James. We missed you.
James -
I read (and responded to) your post from the office this morning, and I haven't been able to get it out of my head all day.
You aren't a let down, and you have a real talent: 'But I guess some times, when you can't breathe, there are people there to breathe for you'. Whether you choose to use it publicly, or save it for family and friends, you have a real voice. Don't be afraid to use it.
You have come so far since beginning this blog - it's a reflection of the strength that has been in you all along. Honestly, it is inspiring.
By the way, my name is Vaughn, and I'm a former escort, who was diagnosed with clinical depression many years back. I still have to deal with that, and my own insecurities. I snore, as well. No lazy eye, but I've been wearing contacts since I was 14. I'm now somewhat comfortably settled into an administrative job at a university, here in Montreal. And my partner of (almost) 10 years and I are getting ready for our wedding in August, and looking at buying our first home.
More info than you wanted to know about me? Maybe... But I put it out there because you were honest with all of us, and you deserve the same. As well, I wanted to show you that it can be done.
Be strong and be you - the real you. There is a lot in that person to be proud of.
All the best, always!
good work. ive always liked the name james. do ppl call u jimmy?
lalala im bored. i have a short attention span.
That's what's up, do your thing James we'er all pullin for you! I'm going to be honest with you, I've been reading your blog for some time now and I just knew that it wasn't going to be pretty! But you have turned it around for the better and that is what's up! From a fan here in Charlotte, NC! Keep it up bro!
Words of the wise,
Don't let those fresh eyes become rotten.
48 comments... you have people out there who love you.
Congratulations !!!
This has been your best post !!!
It looks it is going to get better for you in the near future ... Congratulations James !!!
James,
Glad to know you are starting to come through. I think acknowledging you real name is a great way to start shedding your 'Erik Rhodes' persona. Keep it up, and don't give up hope that one day you will be a happy, satisfied person. It will take work and effort, but I think the day will come for you.
"One may not reach the day save by the path of the night." ~Khalil Gibran, Lebanese Poet.
Go do something for someone else.
It'll make you feel better, you'll get good karma, and it will take your mind from the inside to the outside for a little while.
Let me be one person to tell you that everything I've found out about the real you (good and bad) has only added to my fantasies. I'm a fan of Erik Rhodes but James is even better. Put Erik on the backburner or out of your life completely, whatever it takes to be you and be happy.
Hello James,
I happened upon your blog, and began reading. I would like to suggest a book for you that has helped me. "Mans search for Meaning", by Viktor Frankl. It is considered one of ten most influential books ever written in the US. I would like to say one other thing with regards to the mistakes you have made. You are no different than anyone else. We have all made mistakes in our lives and you can overcome and move beyond all your mistakes and regrets. You can and must not allow your past mistakes, addictions, or anything else to stand in the way of choosing to begin anew and moving forward into the life you desire. I bet you desire many wonderful things and you can have those things if you will just have faith in yourself but most importantly in the one who made you, who knows you, loves you with a love that is beyond all your wildest dreams who wants to give you life, liberty, love, and a home you can share with someone who loves you just as you are. So allow yourself to start entertaining the idea that good things are coming your way, start believing that God himself is wanting to give you every good and wonderful thing and does not want you as his child to be unhappy and feeling as though you can not move forward beyond your former occupation and or habits.
Sincerely
James R.
Hello James,
I would like to suggest a book for you that has helped me. "Mans search for Meaning", by Viktor Frankl. It is considered one of ten most influential books ever written in the US. I would like to say one other thing with regards to the mistakes you have made. You are no different than anyone else. We have all made mistakes in our lives and you can overcome and move beyond all your mistakes and regrets. You can and must not allow your past mistakes, addictions, or anything else to stand in the way of choosing to begin anew and moving forward into the life you desire. I bet you desire many wonderful things and you can have those things if you will just have faith in yourself but most importantly in the one who made you, who knows you, loves you with a love that is beyond all your wildest dreams who wants to give you life, liberty, love, and a home you can share with someone who loves you just as you are. So allow yourself to start entertaining the idea that good things are coming your way, start believing that God himself is wanting to give you every good and wonderful thing and does not want you as his child to be unhappy and feeling as though you can not move forward beyond your former occupation and or habits.
Sincerely
James R.
Glad that you've finally introduced your "real" self :) You can't always be Erik Rhodes..plus, being James Elliot is better than Erik Rhodes and it sounds better too! Perhaps now you can focus on your new life as you've taken a big step in acknowledging yourself and coming out from being Erik Rhodes :) Congrats!
Hello
I love your blog. I read it everuy day
:)
Our blogs are very popular.
Would you be o for a link exchange?
www.restoringsex.com
Do not hesitate to give me your opinion and feedback,
:)
Kisses and Hughs
Erik
member of
http://best-gay-bloggers-blog.blogspot.com/
PS
If you want tp be part of the Best Gay Bloggers, let me know
http://best-gay-bloggers-blog.blogspot.com/
Just send to me the best photo and article from yoru blog, and a few lines saying why you decide to write your blog, the story of the title, and if any, raunchy stories about your blog. I will publish it in the next contest
:)
Nice to meet you James!
To paraphase Dan Millman, from one of his "Peaceful Warrior" titles, it's easy to be happy when everything is going well. The challenge is to learn to be at peace, (unreasonably) happy in chaos or challenge. This peace is my wish for you (and me, and the rest of you, by the way).
Keep working on it!
Hey Jay,
So i know I'm just another fan to you, but I've always held you in high regard... YOU, not Erik Rhodes. IDKY, but it was just something about the way you treated me like a friend. It's funny, cause I said to danny once "I can't get into calling him Erik..." IDK, it always seemed wierd. I mean it was cool because we had the same name kinda but at the same time I felt like knowing JAMES was so much cool. I know you probably think I'm such a dork but hey I am what I am. You're an awesome guy and I hope things continue to get better with Danny and life in general. I know it's hard but I know you'll pull through it.
As always, if you ever need anything... I'm here.
Much luv dude--
eric james
Hello James / Erik
I have never seen a film of yours. I arrived here by link hopping from several different blogs.
As someone who lives with clinical depression, I understand the complete and utter desolation you can feel.
As you have said, you are learning the signs and recognising those factors you need to avoid (drugs etc). This will go a long way to assisting you to climbing out of the hole.
Keep those friends who are of integrity around you and it will assist you even further.
Best of luck. It is a hard journey, but it can be done. It will never totally go away, but you will learn to live with it.
I have.
Damien NZ
p.s. u write beautifully mr elliot
Hello James Elliot N.,
I have a lazy eye too! Go figure, I would have never thought I could have something physical in common with someone in your industry! HOT!
Thanks for sharing all you have on your blog. The immediate benefit of sharing is yours to own but know the benefits also extend way beyond. If you are ever at a loss for what to blog consider this topic: How the non-crystal, non-pill gay guy help the chem inclined move beyond the buzz. If we knew better how, we would be glad to assist.
Humans are not perfect, never will be, but we are all perfectly wonderful. Best wishes for a healthy, perfectly wonderful future.
-R
No offense, maybe you should see a shrink.
I don't give advise since really people do what they want to irregardless of it, but I'm hoping you are different and take this seriously enough.
Between the drug use - steroids and whatever else in between - the dating preferences in men, or even the porn career; I think it's a safe assumption that you need to speak with someone other than your "fans" about your stasis in life.
Once you've taken a real good look at yourself in therapy - you'll find, your situation isn't as unique as you would think. Your not unique, people keep going into these downward spirals - people have done these types of things before an none of them were any happier from it as you are now.
Who made the rule you have to be friends with your ex? is this a contingency plan for when your dating doesn't work out?
From what I know from TV about Danny he has a bad temper and clear issues of his own.
If he was that controlling, jealous jerk off when you were dating - then he will be that controlling, jealous jerk off when your "just friends."
Some people are cats and dogs - they just don't mix well.
i think you should put off dating and maybe even the career in the sex industry until you can get a grip, so to speak.
by the way you shouldn't publish your real name on the web that is asking trouble... you've even provided your actual families names as well. you should remove this post since you not only endangering your safety but your families as well. - just a helpful tip.
No offense, maybe you should see a shrink.
I don't give advise since really people do what they want to irregardless of it, but I'm hoping you are different and take this seriously enough.
Between the drug use - steroids and whatever else in between - the dating preferences in men, or even the porn career; I think it's a safe assumption that you need to speak with someone other than your "fans" about your stasis in life.
Once you've taken a real good look at yourself in therapy - you'll find, your situation isn't as unique as you would think. Your not unique, people keep going into these downward spirals - people have done these types of things before an none of them were any happier from it as you are now. (some of them are even dead too)
Who made the rule you have to be friends with your ex? is this a contingency plan for when your dating doesn't work out?
From what I know from TV about Danny he has a bad temper and clear issues of his own.
If he was that controlling, jealous jerk off when you were dating - then he will be that controlling, jealous jerk off when your "just friends."
Some people are cats and dogs - they just don't mix well.
i think you should put off dating and maybe even the career in the sex industry until you can get a grip, so to speak.
Heller, James,
they say people an make up other names to change something about themselve, like booze does for some peoople, an escape, it is good to see someone willing to remove the mask show themselves as they are.
Hello, James. It is nice to meet another "lazy eyed James".
I'm a little late, but it's an honor James.
I'm Ben.
Jsmes,
When I began reading your blog I was worried about you; I didn't think you were going to make it. I don't think that anymore. First of all, don't be ashamed that you have appeared in adult films; you have harmed no one. You have only given tiny pieces of your soul away but I think the soul automatically regenerates itself so we can continue on. You were wonderfully blessed with such a magnificent face and body; who wouldn't want to use it to his own advantage? Don't care what other people think of you. Their judgment is worth as much as a liar's promise. You weren't placed on this earth to please anyone. Do what you want and what you feel is right, not what someone else thinks you should do. Please try to stay away from the chemicals. No matter how strong, handsome, rich or famous, they always get their prey. Finally, and I am borrowing this, not my own creation: Make yourself happy; it's a sin not to try.
I'm new to this blogging site, so right now I'm playing catch up.
However, without knowing anything about you, I'm proud of you. Laying your weaknesses out there in front of an unnumbered amount of strangers is the hardest thing to do. You have a good head on your shoulders, but like the rest of us, don't always use it. So I'll give you some advice to help you deal with people in your future relationships or friendships...
-Never make someone a priority, when all you are to them is an option...
In doing that, you'll get a lot farther than you know.
just came across your blog james and i have to say this makes you more of a human being to me now which i like better as compared to that erik rhodes guy that people use to get off without consideration to the person hidden behind those beautiful eyes...
it's funny to think that your blog and mine have the same "tone/thoughts" but dressed in different words/phrases.
if ever you need to vent out to someone, check out my blog and message me there. (i know you've heard this a million times but...)
;)
take care.
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