Sorry to leave everyone hanging...
I just needed some time to collect my thoughts, and my blog needed a rest. To be completely honest i was alittle tired of this being the focus of my life. I am absolutely over the phone calls from people either cracking stupid jokes or the people trying to help. Please read the blog but seriously, don't invade my space. I am not a phone person to begin with, what makes you think that i wanna spend anymore time then i want to, to talk with a complete stranger about my feeling none the less? I don't wanna come off like i don't care about every ones concern when reading but please just leave a comment, trust me i read them all.
So this weekend could have gone really bad for me but thanks to focusing my energy into something positive the weekend has come and gone and i feel pretty damn good. Well, A whole hell of alot better than i would have if i attended either the Black Party or Algeria. I think was even supposed to "perform" at the black party. I turned down about 5 different people but i kept being told that the people at black party still had me listed as a performer. Well they can fucking suck it. All their cheap asses offered was a free ticket to basically have sex on stage. You have to be out of your fucking mind. Come on, even if i did lack common sense like most porn stars, my hooker skills would have kicked in and said "oh no, you need to get fucking paid" (and yes my hooker inner monologue speaks like an angry black woman). I was ultimately gonna just go, say i was gonna perform, get my free ticket and disappear into the crowd of shit, sweat and leather. Why the fuck not, i don't think i can make my name any worse in this industry or community than i already have, can I?
Well to make a long story short i choose not to go to spend time with my ex Danny. Even as friends he is keeping me grounded without even knowing it. I don't know if thrown into the enviorment of the those 2 party's if i would be strong enough to resist all the temptation around me. Yeah Danny and i just choose to sit around watching TV, cuddling most of the weekend. But all in all, that makes me feel so much better than any drugs or random hook ups could ever.
You know i have to give myself credit, because i slept over his place on Saturday night and when i woke up that morning, horny as fuck, with morning wood. Instead of pushing myself on him, i just got out of bed and went home. But i didn't stay home, cuz i knew if i sat home alone i would just get myself in trouble by having a trick come over, so i changed my cloths and took a walk to Union Square. The walk took my mind off things. Let me relax. You know, its helping me show myself that i willing put in the effort to make a relationship work with Danny again. Why? Because normally i would just run off and have sex and not care, but i know i have done enough damage between us already that i cant risk anymore fuck up over a brief loss of control. I wanna be in control of myself again. I wanna show him that I'm in control again.
Yes i have more issues than the next guy, but at least my out look is positive now. I am excited to make him proud by making myself into a better person.
It sucks but i am still fighting depression. Its become apprent that i have no control over it and really need to get more meds, becasue regardless of anything they were working for me. There was a couple times while hanging out with danny that i couldnt help having this sinking feeling. I did all i could to fight it and ultimately refocused my head so that i didnt let it control the good time i was having with danny. I also made sure he knew how i was feeling just so that my depression doesnt lead to fights or him thinking something is wrong. It would seem strange to readers since i am so open on here, but i have the hardest time expressing how i feel to loved ones. I supress everything until i blow up. I am really working on just being straight forward now. Open myself up to someone i love. He is worth it. He deserves it. Its just one of the many changes i need to make but it actually feels pretty good.
Monday, March 31, 2008
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46 comments:
good for you, james E. You are getting NORMAL... and I think that keeping some distance from us fans and friends will help you to find your inner strength. My best wishes Kiddo. And spend more time in the park playing freesbe. You just looked Great in that candid shot; a real normal guy. Bruno
James, your posts just keep getting better! Great! :)
Your mindset and approach to things is getting more and more in (your) control and focused to the "good": keep it up!
Ciao,
Paolo
PS: I found it weird that people posting on this blog managed to actually call you on the phone...how did they get your phone number??? I mean, I wouldn't even know how to write you an email, forget about calling you in the first place. Plus, it would be rather up to you to chose with whom to talk - not to us.
And BTW: as you write correctly, one thing is to write a blog (were you write already more than enough), another is to have each one of us "posters" blah-blahing on the phone, without you wanting to.
Great job, James -- notice that once you eased up on yourself a little and gave yourself some credit that you're better at managing things than you expected?
And why am I not surprised that you have an angry black woman inner monologue around there somewhere? It's good to be down with the sistahs.
Sounds like you are doing better and better every day. Hopefully you are working on being a better person for yourself as WELL as for your ex. I think it is good that you guys are able to communicate and find common ground.
It is too funny that your inner monologue speaks as an angry black woman. I am sure both parties were not all they advertised. You had more fun anyway.
You are finding other outlets for your attention and even more so... your time. That is perfect.
You have proven that you can take on whatever challenge comes your way.
Keep doing what you are doing...you are much better for it.
hey j.
okay I know u dont really want to get all those "up-and-personal" messages.Just wanted to tell you if you snore, there's a very simple OP that will fix that problem. You might be suffering from sleep apnea as well, which can add up to your depressive state. Sleep apnea can be basically explained as short breathless moments while you are in sleep. Hypoxia, the lack of oxygen first affects the brain since it is the most demanding organ, even in sleep.
BTW, I'm a surgical intern, so its not all bulls*** I'm writing here. :)
you should seriously kill yourself you fucking bastard. I only come back to read just to see if you have killed yourself yet
Hi James -
Sounds like a very good weekend all around - Congratulations!
You're getting stronger in yourself every day, and it shows.
Forget the people out there like "d" - they're not worth paying attention to.
There are people out here who are very proud of how far you've come, and if you are also proud of how far you've come, that's the most important thing.
All the best!
I'm happy for you, James. It sounds like you're making smart choices, and keeping yourself out of trouble. That is so great!
Great work on the self-control. Very proud and happy for you, if you care. Best wishes as always.
Hey man
Just found your blog and it's very interesting and sad. So much instability in your life, you really have to focus on living healthy and just get rid of all the toxic people.
Good luck.
Reminds me of when Jack Nicholson says to Helen Hunt on 'As Good as it Gets': "You make me want to be a better man"...
Simply...
Breathtaking!
3 cheers for Progress!
just wanted to give a shout out say to keep the awesome progress you are making. So proud of you and hope we will SEE more of the wonderful candid shot. GO J. much love to you. we'll be here for you
*sigh* I wish the guys that I dated tried half as hard as you are James. I so admire you for that. I don't really know anything about your past relationship with Danny, but it sounds like you blame yourself a lot; I wish that you wanted to prove yourself a 'better' person just for you.
People invading your privacy is just rotten. Starfuckers still, who want you to befriend them and heed their advice. Truly, truly odd, human nature is.
Just for something different, I've had a totally shit week and it makes me feel better knowing that you are on a more even keel. I know it's strange, as I only know you through your blog, but I worry about you. Go figure!
FYI-Gawker.com went to the Black Party, if you want to read about it. Doesn't sound like it was that much fun, just a big orgy that cost $125 to get into. You missed nothing.
Best wishes for your continued achievements.
ed.
and another thing:
d.-do everyone a favor and just kill yourself. Then, you won't feel compelled to read this blog.
I so admire people who 'anonymously' post their sheer misery. Pity.
Wow.
I have to admire you man. It takes a lot of balls to bare yourself like this. Some people think that taking your clothes off in front of someone is brave. Some people think that as a sex worker, you have to be shallow and one dimensional. But to truly put your feelings down for the world to see, that's the fucking scariest thing you can do. I think it's about the sexiest thing a guy can do...
I dated a hustler once...he started out as a social worker. The money was better in the sex industry. The social work background came in pretty handy too...the guy had one of the biggest hearts I've ever met.
if you ever get up to Portland, ME let me know man. I'd love to shake your hand. That and the hand of your inner black hooker...she sounds like a fucking fun piece of work.
dude you are freakin hilarious!The world is bigger than you.You have a real talent for explaining yourself (maybe a new career- i'm still reading!), but quit the 'woe is me' bullshit.reading into your shit all i see is drugs have fucked you up PERIOD...its beyond beyond old (& pedictable)...anyways sounds like you're getting smart.applause 4 that...and oh yh greetings from down under! X
Just an observation on my part. What you describe in the post as depression sounds to me like fear. Some would argue that these are one and the same but I see a distinction. You may be afraid of letting Danny down or relapsing(drugs, sex, whatev) or what post porn life holds or any number of other things. That fear of failure may be the root of what you are labeling as depression. It (Fear) paralyzes you. It makes you doubt yourself. It calls out for drugs and sex and any other self destructive vice / crutch it needs to prop itself up from the back of mind to front and center. The gnawing feeling, the doubters voice that compels you to give in.. just once. It knows you are on the road to better days and it wants no part of it.
I know that feeling all too well. I think we all do. Just know that that feeling, that voice is not you. It is the culmination of your fears and it will do anything to run the show. It is the enemy within.
Ugh. Before I get all 5 paragraph essay on your ass, I will leave you with one thought, however malformed it may be. When these feelings arise, you need to treat them as if they are advice from the stupidest person you know...someone who means you harm. It is amazing how different fear feels and sounds when it is put in that context.
Oh, and I don't want to talk to you on the phone about your problems...that is just gay :)
iabe
James,
It's amazes me that some of these dicks actually take to time to read your blog and respond with posts with some nasty ass comment! People in general don't understand depression (combined with rec. drug use is a double whammie). You're doing fine James. You are doing what you should be doing. Keep your distance from toxic people and the situations that they drive to toward and from the rec. drugs. BUT....you should be taking medication for the depression since you aren't taking the "recreational" drugs now. Welbutrin works great for me. It takes that pit in your gut feeling away but you can think clearly. There are stronger ones too that work. Have you gone for an evaluation? If you have a good doctor, they can get you on the right one for you. Keep blogging, do the right thing and press on. I'm glad you are feeling better today.
Roger
nice post. and im glad things seem to be on the up and up. good thoughts!
I love seeing the positive spin now in your post. I would love to suggest a book that was the first in the genre that the secret is based on.
It's called You Can Heal Your Life by Lousie L. Hay.
If someone would told me that a book that feel in my life by chance.. Let's just say side of the road on a bridge... would change me to be a 100% better human being... i wouldn't have believed it.
But it works!
So in the words of Louise Hay:
In the affinity of life where I am, all is perfect, whole and complete. I support myself and life supports me. I see evidence of the law working all around me and in every area of my life. I reinforce that I learn in joyous ways. My day begins with gratitude and joy. I look forward with enthusiasm to the adventures of the day. Knowing that in my life all is good. I love who I am and all that I do. I am the living, loving, joyous expression of life. All is well in my world!
James, keep on focusing on where you want your life to go, and you'll get there. I'm glad that you are realizing that meds for depression can help get you upright and moving in the right direction. They may not be forever, just til your body tells you that it's producing more of it's own seratonin. How are you doing with your eating? Keep if fresh and simple man, and you'll pull out of this funk and it will only be a dark memory soon.
your too dependent on Danny to make you happy.
Danny is only human like yourself & he's not always going to be there always when needed - whether it's intentional or not.
staying with someone because your scared to make bad decisions is not a good enough reason to be with them.
you not going to find the answers you need by doing drugs - or dating somebody because they take your attention away from those issues.
you still need to see a shrink.
from you posts it sounds like you haven't made some kind of peace with the decisions you have made.
by the way jp2002, what is normal?
You list NIN as your favorite music.
It reminds me of Middle School, all my classmates were into NIN.
I read an article, on one of the albums - i think it was downward spiral, were Trent describes the album was about a loss of identity.
I thought it was interesting to note.
You sound like you're improving. I half thought this blog was a publicity stunt, but I don't think so anymore.///Just remember that (usually) getting better isn't one smooth uninterrupted move upwards. Sometimes you move forward, then slip back a little and feel bummed again, then you move forward some more, etc. But each time the slipping back is less and less. As long as the big picture story is "getting better", it's good.
I'm glad you skipped that silly Black Party. Shows you're becoming your own person.
Hey James. Not that I know your full situation or anything. But I have a similar one on the opposite side. I met my partner 3 years ago when he was an escort. We fell hard for each other and it worked because we were in a long distance situation, as I am in college cross country. But after a year, I couldn't take it anymore. The fact that he was using his body to make money, along with the fact that I was getting jealous made me scared, and I wanted out…
Ultimately, I asked for he and I to be friends. At 21, I wasn't ready to date an escort. BUT, instead of agreeing-- he decided to stop escorting. Unfortunately, this is when the fighting began. I didn't trust him because I wasn't there to see him, I never knew what he was doing-- and I just didn't trust his past.
I truly loved him, but I was sooo afraid of getting hurt. Really hurt. That all I wanted to do was separate myself-- what i found was that I needed my lover-- he was everything to me, but I knew he really wanted to be with me and stop escorting; he just wasn't the best at showing it...
Basically, I think Danny might be in my shoes right now. He's so scared of "Erik" that he needs to separate himself. It's obvious that you want him as a lover-- so i think you need to show him.
Being his friend is great. But more tangible things need to happen for him to realize that "Erik" is no more and James is here to stay. Warning: this will take time. But on a nicer note—I have been with my lover for 3 years now. He’s officially not a sex worker anymore, and he has made it clear that his past will never come up again.
Things my lover did to show me:
1. he changed his phone number, no more random people calling for sex. gross
2. We stopped going out. When we went out together, he always saw his past flings and fuck buddies. It grossed me out, and I hated it. I always got an attitude and its just not healthy. Im only 23 now, but im satisfied getting nice and dirty at home with my lover without hitting the bar scene.
3. Talk is cheap... Show him how you feel. Make changed that show you are worth dating.
Anwyay, I feel for you James. Its obvious you love Danny-- So GET him! Don't let your past dictate your future.
I graduate from college this year from Boston, and he and I will be living together in SF in May. I can’t wait. Good Luck J, and my prayers are with ya brother
-Nick
hey butt-lick;
got your attentiton?
read on i'm not goin to trash you,on the contrary, i think i might have something that might help you a little.
your blog is a pretty damn well written one. (spelling and grammar aside) But more importantly, i have read with interest the way that you described LA. very insigthful and cutting in its sheer truthfullness. you somitimes read like the voiceover in a movie like "gone baby gone". that's how good you can be. and i think that is one of the best movies i have seen in a long time.
it seems to me that when you are the least selfconcious and most direct the truth rings out in what you srite and i really enjoy it.
all that being said, first i'd love to rail your hot ass, but the valuable thing that i have to say to you is this: you need a fuckin hearing aid!
you need a fuckin hearing aid beacause the insight that you continually ignore comes from the things you write about here. the hearing aid i mean is someone like a sposor who will help you develope the skills to listen to that voice that you ignore so much of the time but that you write about so often afrter some disatrous event you chronicle here.
listen buddy, i lived in nyc, was a go-go boy then owned a store inside the biggest fag bar in nyc, one on fire island , one in philly AND managed that same big fag bar in nyc. i fucked it all up with ghb and it wasn't till i got my "hearing aid" (now one of my best friends), that my life started to turn around.
if you're really lucky you'll find a hearing aid that will kick your ass when you make some of those fuckin stupid choices.
worked for me.
btw, since you've been trying to stop doing drugs and partying your blog and the state of mind that you have expressed here has gotten much better from my point of view and your writing is fuckin great... so much less self-pity and just brighter but your dark, gritty edge... the thing i like most about your blog... is still there.
all the best.
Nice, I was feeling a little stagnant, but walks and the job hunt are keeping me thinking straight.
Tried pot, because as a Canadian its normal, and I realised I don't even want that in my life.
Cheers on the good work.
Ps. reading your blog keeps me in check, and I hope I have a little effect. A good support system is necessary if the changes will stay around.
- No medication will work if you continue to drink or dabble in drugs. This cannot be over-stressed. Don't change the medication if you have been engaging in disruptive activities. That medication could be the *one* for you, don't let it be ruled out so early on if you haven't adhered to substance celibacy.
- From what I've read in this blog so far, I don't remember you ever stressing an alcohol dependence. If, however, I am wrong in this assumption, I'd advice you to check out 'Antabuse' - a medication for 'alcoholics' (or those, like myself, simply desiring to avoid temptation) that basically induces flu-like vomiting and aching for hours if you imbibe any alcohol within 12 hours of taking it. I find this extremely helpful in preventing my consumption of alcohol, and I hope you check it out if you do share similar circumstances.
Congrats sounds like you're doing great. Hope it only gets better for you. you deserve it.
So, when I googled you, I didn't expect to find an online tell all. I thought about pretending that I hadn't, but figured, what the hell? if you're being honest, Ill be honest right back.
Not sure what to think of you just yet, a bit intimidating at first, with a teddy bear smile.
Hope to run into you again soon, or preferably hear from you at some point. You're pretty good company and that goes a long way in my book. :)
take care,
361 R.
So, when I googled you, I didn't expect to find an online tell all. I thought about pretending that I hadn't, but figured, what the hell? if you're being honest, Ill be honest right back.
Not sure what to think of you just yet, a bit intimidating at first, with a teddy bear smile.
Hope to run into you again soon, or preferably hear from you at some point. You're pretty good company and that goes a long way in my book. :)
take care,
361 R.
Ok, so I have a few comments...
1. there's an angry black woman in all of us lol... even if she only comes out during the invasion and holloween.
2. "Why the fuck not, i don't think i can make my name any worse in this industry or community than i already have, can I?" Fuck the industry and the community, you're not doing this for them you're doing it for you. And I know you know there are people much worse off than you... at least you're trying to pull yourself up.
3. Depression... I think we all have it, I kno I do. It' sucks but I think your strong enough to pull through. The fact that you're trying is the most important thing.
Jay, keep hangin in there... we're all rooting for you! I got your back... good luck with you and danny. Tell him I said whats up!
You have a great writting talent. Maybe you could start writting non-faction/short stories. If you put your mind and energy toward this, I'm sure you feel very productive.
PS. I see you at Barton all the time and want to tell you this but respect your privacy too much.
I didn't know you read all your blogs!
You're a funny guy who knows what's up. Don't read these comments (after mine of course) they're only going to mess your head even more. Have a drink, smoke some pot and relax. Enjoy life my man, its too short to stress out. Peace.
You're a funny guy who knows what's up. Don't read these comments (after mine of course) they're only going to mess your head even more. Have a drink, smoke some pot and relax. Enjoy life my man, its too short to stress out. Peace.
Hey,
What a turnaround from you last blog! The tone is so much more positive.
I love the comment about the hooker in you kicking. I totally understand the inner black woman. Had that been me, my thought would have been, "Awwww, HELL to naw, bitch gotta get PAAAID!"
Oh, one last thing, this may sound ridiculous, but it does work, I've tried it myself. When you're feeling really shitty, smile. Your mind will react to what your body is doing. It sounds stupid but it does work, usually because I feel like an ass sitting there smiling for no reason, but still.....
Your blog is boring now that you're feeling better.
Bring back the high-larity !!!
....the porn,the meth,the blackouts.
Dramaz!
James,
You say you are still getting depressed, but in every message recently you seem to be getting more and more level-headed and able to deal with your life.
Keep doing what you are doing with Danny. The relationship can't last no matter how hot the passion if you aren't friends, but if you are friends as well as lovers, it could last forever. (Said remembering my father's last days and what it revealed of my parent's enduring relationship.) When you described going home after spending the night and then going out for a walk, I went "Way to go, James!"
Okay... Just finished March... Damn Sweet Boy, I have so many questions... You don't have to answer me, just answer them to yourself...
I don't know if you are reading my extremely late comments... But here goes...
Who are you wanting to change for, you or Danny (to have him back in your life)?
You say you are a vain person, but do you love yourself, truly love yourself?
What makes you happy? Is is outside influence, or does in come from inside?
What do you fear most? Does fear motivate you or does love?
If you could ask for something you seemingly can't achieve on your own, what would it be?
What do YOU want?
Just of few of them really, I think most of these will be answered as I read... I'm still behind... I'm not a psychologist/psychiatrist, I'm a hairdresser... But really, aren't they really the same thing... LOL
Love from Atlanta
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