I basically made it through this weekend alright.
So Friday came around and as much as i really wanted to go nuts, i choose to hold it in. I even went to a bunch of shitty New York bars, not even having one drink. I did however pop a couple painkillers, but then again that is far from the amount of shit i was doing the previous weekend. Baby steps. I even had temptation thrown in my face again and i was good about it. It was really weird. There was this really cracked out dude at this bar that kept buying me drinks which i kept turning around a giving to my friends since i wasn't drinking. The cracked out dude got pissed when he found out what i was doing and walked away from me pissed off. I thought "oh well". About 10 mins later he comes back to me a put a gram of crystal in my hand and leaves the bar. He was like fucking Satan. Tempt me with drink all night and then when he sees that I'm not biting he drops crystal on me and says "good luck, bitch" and walks away.
I kept it, or at least i thought i did. When i got home later that night and cleaned out my pockets. It was gone. Better off, cuz its the late nights when I'm home alone that i think i should be with my bf cuddling in bed that i lose all concept of whats good for me.
I couldn't sleep that night. It honestly felt like i was having a flashback of high school, when i had a bad coke problem and i would say up nights watching the sun slowly creep up outside and get pissed knowing that i still having slept and knowing that i was going to have to get up soon for school. Except this time, as i watched the sun come out, i just popped more sleeping pills to make that shit, fucking disappear. I honestly even got confused thinking maybe i did do drugs and i already forgot. Maybe it was that guy i was hooking up with that i knew was doing dumps of K in the bathroom that gave me shit. Maybe it was the fact that because of my new diet the redbull was effecting me differently. I guess i will never know. I woke up at 4pm the next day.
I was pretty upset the next day. More or less because i been doing so fucking good with my whole body obsession that i was pissed i had already missed 4 meals since it was 4pm. I also felt hungover as shit. I'm gonna chalk that one up to the sleeping pills.
moving on.
I would have to say that I'm pretty embarrassed and i didn't wanna admit this but i have been texting my current ex. I miss him. I feel like I'm in a position where I'm ready to give up porn and i think that since that was one of the big problems in our relationship that if i wasn't doing it anymore maybe we could go back to the way things were when we didn't fight. Maybe I'm just being dumb. I think because of this blog that he knows that I'm pretty messed up, even more than i let on when we were going out. I think he sees that now and really wants no part of me. Which i understand. (beside the fact that i feel like Michael Musto, who cant keep his fucking mouth shut about anything). What is that whole bullshit, "if you let something go and if it comes back to you, it was meant to be". I guess it wasn't meant to be as much at one point we told each other it was. He texted me that i should listen to a song by Ashanti called "The Way That I Love You" that it was the perfect song for our situation. My song back to him which i never had the balls to text him back would be by City and Colour called "As much as i ever could". The part that makes me cry like a bitch is at the end of the song... "No i am not where i belong, so shine a light and guide me back home".
moving on.
The Grabby Porn Awards are coming up and the Nominations are out.
BEST RIMMING SCENE
“THE IVY LEAGUE” (Erik Rhodes, Ryan Wade, Tony Martin, Zackary Ryan)
BEST GROUP SEX SCENE
“THE IVY LEAGUE” (Erik Rhodes, Ryan Wade, Tony Martin, Zackary Ryan)
BEST ACTOR
ERIK RHODES (“The Ivy League”)
BEST VERSATILE PERFORMER
ERIK RHODES
Ummm, yeah it would be nice to win something, well fuck the first 2 noms, cuz I'm not about to share anything. But whatever, if i win i swear I'm gonna give this industry a piece of my mind. I cant wait.
Quote of the day:
"If you love something, let it go. If it doesn't come back to you, hunt it down and kill it."~Edman
Sunday, March 16, 2008
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25 comments:
Good luck on the nominations.
Sometimes it's better to start the slate clean. I'm very glad that you have the will to fight off temptations and I'm glad that your new obsession on your body is helping you. Regarding love, it's often hard to regain what you had with the person you loved after all the things you've been through with them. You are a great person and tons of people would want a guy like you, you just have to have faith and move on. And perhaps you'll get back with your ex, but rebuild yourself first. You have a lot to offer, just hang on.
Back again. My personal credo is, 'If you love something, let it go. If it doesn't come back to you, hunt it down and kill it.' :-)
No don't be ashamed; realize that it's over though, and over for a reason. You're much too smart not to realize that not doing porn anymore is not the root of the problem between you and your ex. You're lonely, that's all, which is entirely understandable. I hope you don't compromise yourself by naively trying to reunite to assuage your loneliness. I think you'll find that you'll be even lonelier with him. But really, what do I know?
It must have been a tough weekend for you, Satan and all. But, the good news is that it's over. It'll get easier every weekend coming, honest. I'm proud of you and you should be too.
Xanax is an anti-anxietal medication that I took for years. Yes, it leaves you with a hangover. At least, it did for me and I believe is a common side effect. I stopped taking it because it left me dopey as hell and consequently, rather depressed. Think about it Erik.
ed.
A true test of character comes when people are faced with the low points in life. How they choose to handle themselves when faced with obstacles, setbacks and temptations defines how they actually live their lives. Typically these are the moments that don't give a person much time to think about how right or how wrong a decision can be. They make a decision and go with it.
You made several choices over the weekend and you made it through. Was it hard? From what you wrote...yes. You won against temptation and you fended off Satan's advances (I didn't even realize he lived in New York). Not too shabby. You chose to text your ex. I can kind of understand that. The person that you looked to for help and support in the past is the person you look to now. Only you know if that was a good, bad or indifferent choice.
You have, all in all, a successful weekend under your belt...keep making the choices that feel right for you.
I think walking away from porn would be the best thing. how many films do you have left to shoot?
Maybe if you win one of those awards you should pull a Brando on them: Send a hot Native American guy in a rawhide loincloth in your place, who'll say, "He refuse-um award.."
Sounds like it was actually a really good, really successful weekend. Yay! :) I'm not sure talking to the ex is a good idea as far like...getting back together with him, but I think it's always a good thing if you can salvage some kind of friendship out of a relationship.
Also, congrats on the nominations!
Good luck with the awards and good luck staying away from da drugs.
Erik, I can't believe what an asshole that guy was to you. He seriously must've been the devil to be doing stupid stuff like that.
Reading your blog makes me miss NYC so much. Even though I lived there for a short time, it's such a convienent city. Everything you want and need is there for you.
I can totally understand about being single. For some reason I'm way too busy to be focusing on a relationship when deep down inside I really and truly want one. My ex screwed me over because she took me on the rebound which for the second time, ended worse than before. So then I did something that I never did before, I dated a guy. I spent the weekend with him in his hometown of Ohio but since we live so far a part, he basically just ignores me now, because he didn't think I'd fall for him the way that I did. Either way, relationships are just confusing. I always am jealous of the ones who have it together.
Good luck for all of your awards. You're a very talented performer and I hope that you win!
I read you blog every day and it makes me miss NYC so I will move up there again and maybe we can meet ;-)
Thats terrible what that man tried to do to you he is satan if there is one he is satan trying to do what he did to you but I am glad you lost it.
I can totally understand about being single but you should not get back with your ex as he can do that to you again and you will be hurt again and realize your life is such a hold and feel bad. Stay off the drugs and away from these people on your body again so you can love yourself like you loved yourself before which you must do before you can love another one but not messup.
I think deep down you know this is wrong but you need to hear it from someone else and like you I want a relationship when deep down inside I really and truly want one for you.
Although you are missing your ex, and even sending him text messages, you seem to still be doing good on all fronts. You try to come across as tough as nails, but you are a real softie (that's a good thing). I think that's the draw, you are a big giant with an even bigger heart. You're human, so your feelings for your ex aren't going to go away overnight, it takes time. In time you'll be fine, and you'll adjust to being home alone until you find that one great lasting love. Glad to hear you are staying strong when it comes to the drugs and alcohol. Stay focused on your goal. I'm sorry I'm sounding like a broken record but I really want to see you, and others like you, achieve your goals and make a better life for yourselves.
I am finding myself checking in on you via your blog every couple of days, and I've got to tell you, I think you're a much bigger softie than you let on. We're all looking for love, and want to spend our nights with someone who really loves us for who we are, and not just the personae. Keep up the good work...there are so many people who want to take you down with them. You're better than all of that.
I'll be curious to hear your acceptance speech at the Grabby Awards this year...It sounds like you've had your fill of the superficial BS of the industry. Give them Hell Eric!
It is the second time I have to admit I misjudged you since you came back from out west. I called you a junkie and you are proving me wrong. I could not be more happy than this. And as some other of your blog friends say, you won another battle and you must be proud of it. About your ex, it is better you let it go, reheated food is never as good as it was when freshly made.
I wish you a win or maybe two for your nominations for IvyLeague; you deserve them. the group scene on the stairwell is one of the best coreographed and sexy I have seen in a while and you are really quite good as an actor (beside being sexy as hell when you stand in your black soxs ready to be served in the first scene)even when you are all dressed up.
You are evolving as a straight actor;in your scene in Overtime you are totally believable as the bullying boss..
Maybe you should join some acting company off broadway and try real acting. It will also keep you busy and let you less time to feel alone.
Anyway, I am REALLY Happy for you making progress, and If you remember my first comments, the offer is still open; If you need a shoulder to lean on, I am still here, for free.
Have a good week, kiddo.
Bruno
What in the WORLD is Erik writing that actually makes some of you guys miss NYC!?
this is my first time reading your blog. i read like 5 of them while watching this lifetime movie w/ alyssa milano.
i really don't know what to say except that your honesty has taken me back. i don't have any advice because i've never been addicted. i just hope whatever will make you happiest...truly comes your way.
Hey there! Sorta found your blog in a round about way. Interesting journey you are taking in life. At certain points it almost feels like I'm looking at a car accident. I don't want to but it's too ( whats the right word or phrase?) Raw? real? pathetic? At times maybe comical?
Hell, I don't know. Pick one. Flip them all off and raise and eyebrow. Eliminate all of them for something else and make up your own but just remain honest when looking for that definition....
Bottom line... I actually was so intrigued I played catch up and read all of it. I'm not one of those intrigued at the thought you will do yourself in. I'm looking for that moment or epiphany when you really do get it and rise above it all. I don't see you offing yourself intentionally. You wouldn't give them the satisfaction. Although the game of even periodic drug use is risky behavior. It's the one area you need to still be honest with yourself about. You do need some type of cleaning up in that area before you move forward with anything else.
I get the theme. Through all the addictive, lonely, miserable behavior there is one obvious theme. The desire to be loved. The hardest thing about being loved is that in order to get that you have to learn how to love yourself. It's the starting point. It's actually the beginning, middle and end.
I'm not talking outward appearance here. I'm talking about loving yourself enough to not destroy your body. Loving yourself enough to recognize a toxic relationship no matter how conveniant. Once you extinguish that failed relationship don't look back. Loving yourself enough to strip yourself raw. Remove any acquaintance in your life that you might feel is a stumbling block and prioritizing what is most important right now.
You really do need about 30 days in a good rehab to first clean your body out and clear the cobwebs in your brain. Your mind is over analyzing everything.
Example.. one day it's good to end your last relationship... think think think... next day you miss the whole concept of that relationship.. think think think..Get high, get drunk, get fucked.. It's an endless cycle.
You won't be able to do this on your own. No matter how much you convince yourself of it. You need time away to clean up. You need the guidance of professionals that will give you cognitive behavioral instructions to deal with temptation. For as much as you want to lay in someones arms right now and "loved" it's probably the worst thing you can do at this moment. You'd still be avoiding the bigger problem. You've got to first clean you body out and for the first time possibly forgive yourself and learn to love you. In fact until you learn this last part no matter how beautiful a new relationship appears it will still fail because since you can't love yourself you won't be able to fully love someone else. You will even at some point try to destroy any relationship as some type of punishment you place on yourself.
I don't know you but I'm pulling for you because this blog is so IN YOUR FACE it screams ... Here I am! I'm circling the drain and some of you are laughing but there is something way down deep inside that keeps saying... fight mother fucker fight! I like that.
Heres a real gay thought... That ol Dorothy was running up and down that yellow brick road screaming.. WHAT DO I DO? WHAT DO I DO? and all the time all she had to do was click her own damn heels and get on her fucking way. So Dorothy... click those damn heels and stop throwing a pity party for yourself. Get too rehab and suck it up for 30 days and clean your body and mind out. Take the opportunity to utilize every tool offered to you durring that time. Come back strong and focused. You will learn to love yourself.
Now about you being a great B.Ser. LOL.. I have something to say your not going to like. You're not a good bullshitter at all. You're horrible at it. For example... this whole winning an award routine. You want it but feel it won't happen so in order to make sure it doesn't happen you publically say in advance if you do win you'll give them a piece of your mind. In other words in advance your sabotaging your chances so that when your name isn't called you can say... TOLD YA SO! It's pretty much your game as a whole with this blog.
Before anyone can call you a mess you lay it out there. Although it's annoying to see something like that so blatant thats where I see the fighter in you. You are a control freak but you've gotten so off course you don't know which way to swim in your life. Fight your hardest not to be put on pills. Xanax, Zoloft etc.. they are only a padding but are not the solution. They do more damage than good.
Your depression? It's more than likely exhaustion from the games you play on yourself. More than likely your pissed at yourself for taking this journey in life.
Get professional help guy. Give the wheel to someone else just for 30 days. Be an observer willing to take the chance. Letting go of the control is going to be your hardest struggle. You can do it! You just have to relinquish your one survival instinct for the time being. It's written in all your blogs.
I agree with jake, rehab is your friend.
But Erik, about that statement:
"if you let something go and if it comes back to you, it was meant to be"
It doesn't say WHEN it's supposed to come back to you.
There's no deadline.
How do you know your ex and you won't be deeply in love again 1 year from now, 5 years from now or even 2 months from now...
You see my point?
Don't dismiss the possibility of the two of you having a future just yet, ok?
You both still got a lot of living to do, you never know if you end up doing it together...ehm...living I mean. :]
I'm sorry but the whole concept of ... "if you love something let it go. If it comes back it was meant to be" Just doesn't apply to everyone and everything in life.
In this case there is enough toxic behavior to categorize this relationship as done and over so just move on damn it.
The last thing this guy needs right now is another drug in the form of an already failed relationship. What he needs is time away focusing on cleaning his body and mind out in an environment where he isn't tempted with text messaging or the local club around the corner.
If he allows himself to really clean house internally he will also learn how to truely move forward. When he learns how to love himself he will then some day greatly love and be loved by the right person.
I don't know this Danny guy but the one thing I do know is that this so called relationship is OVER. Let it go. Move on. Find yourself and after properly cleaning yourself out demand a fresh start including relationships. No matter how much someone will change if they were part of a toxic relationship the baggage will always be there. It's haunting. The best you "might" get out of it is an amicable friendship or a mutual feeling of admiration that you have both grown from your mistakes. But lovers again? Never gonna happen. That ship has sailed and it bottomed out on a level that says... LET IT GO! Don't even expect it to come back and if it does smile at it. Congratulate it for it's successes but don't be foolish enough to welcome it back. Reach for something new and higher.
Again.. this is all so irrelevant right now for this guy. First step.. Get to rehab. Clean your body and mind completely out. The last thing he needs is any form of a relationship.
oh i forgot... Good Luck... i hope you win
Sometimes making peace with an ex is the best thing possible for moving forward. I saw the two of you together and there was a lot of love there. That kind of love also means a lot of hurt. I've found that the relationships I was most able to get past and not hold onto (whether that be hurt, anger, or missing them) were the ones where we talked and made peace with each other.
Erik, do whatever you need to take care of yourself, whether that be contacting Danny again, going to rehab etc. That's your choice. So far, you've made some excellent choices and changes in a shockingly quick time. You'll face setbacks and you'll face devillish people who tempt you into difficult situations. However, the more you become aware of and strong in your decisions, the less their desires will become yours.
I've never been addicted to anything stronger than cigarettes, but I've faced my own battles. It's not easy, and it truly is one day at a time. It's about becoming aware of one's triggers and about getting rid of people who don't have your best interests at heart. It's about learning to look inside yourself to soothe yourself, rather than outside stimuli to do this. It's about realizing the things you want for yourself to have your own self-respect and working hard to gain them.
I think there's something about the ages of 25-27 that one really goes through a lot of crises and really begins to turn from a child into the adult they're going to be. I went through my issues and growth spurts then too and I journalled extensively and it was the absolute best thing possible. Keep going! You're doing great kiddo and I'm proud of you.
When you got together with your ex you were doing porn, right? if that is the case he cannot pretend that you stop - he has to accept for who you are and for what you do; otherwise he should find somebody else that suits his needs and wishes. Which is not what a serious relationship is about.
And if he thinks/thought that porn was not good for you he should have helped you out of it. Or better - I would have helped you out of drugs. Because that is the only thing to change - because that is what ruins your health for good and affects deeply your relationships with people and your judgment. As well as making you depressed.
If you do porn because you like it or you have to, go on with it, but don't quit thinking that this will yield a better relationship with your ex-bf. Asking you to change your life and job does not make your bf a "good" one, it is making him simply a "controller". And in relationships, "controlling" is not part of it.
Be yourself, be independent, be mentally and physically healthy - and you will find a person that really likes and treasures you for who you are and what you do - with no if's and but's.
Good luck with the awards. Get back eating (good stuff) and focus on the good. Your ex-bf does not seem to be the solution and I would wait that you are feeling better before jumping to conclusions or start something that probably is better as it is (ie not being with your ex-bf).
Ciao,
P-
i really hope you read your comments... i dont like to think that im wasting my time writing this...i stumbled upon your blog and i must say that reading it i feel as depressed as you probably do.... i think you need to MAN up a bit and take control of your life....
youre not afraid to let ppl read about what is going on in your life....this blog sounds like a cry for help... sounds like you want someone to come in and whisk you away and make your life great again...if it ever was great....you need to understand that only YOU can make YOU happy and if its someone that you want in your life, a positive person you can lean on then you HAVE TO ACTIVELY PURSUE THAT....not do drugs and surround yourself with what you have been....
U NEED A CHANGE OF SCENERY....youre very aware of what bothers you of what you need to change and what it is that you want in youre life... youre a grown ass man..... you can do it..... cut yourself some slack... youre still young u can turn all this around only if YOU want to though.....
Just remember... AS BAD AS YOU MAY THINK YOU HAVE IT, THERES ALWAYS SOMEONE OUT THERE WITH IT WORSE......
.... i will keep on reading your blog just because i want to read about you getting better...being positive and making changes for the better in your life.....im tired of all this depressing material on your blog.... i will stick around as long as i can stand it....
JP
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