I lost... again.
Apprently each year i do porn i'm just good enough to be nominnated but not great enough to win myself an award. O and 9 now. I'm not surprised. I did alot better holding in my extreme fustration in losing this year, so i do give myself some credit. Yes i am a sore loser, but i just whored it up and drank away the feelings. Should have gone as far as getting blowjob right there in the front row during the ceremony? Maybe not, but when someone as hot as the guy going it, is doing it, well... i just dont have that type of control.
Apart from losing my awards, i did have a pretty amazing night. I'm not sure how i determine what makes an amazing night? But i guess i'm equating my night the amount of gorgeous guys i got to hook up with. I know that i was basically doing it to make myself feel better, but fuck it. it was totally worth it and justified in my eyes. When else do i get to play around with the guys from other studios?
Which leads me to "The Pretty Russian". I woke up this morning, cuddling with one of the cutest guys i have come across in a long time. I stared at him while he slept. There was something about the hair on his stomach that made me think, "Jesus, this is why i love being gay, this is why i love men, this makes me happy". I laid my head on chest and went back to bed with a smile on my face dispite my vicious hangover.
I'm just happy this weekend is over. It was just to much socializing for my taste. To many "are you alright's" to make anyone crazy. I'm sitting in my hotel room now, alone and i'm trying my best to not get back into the depression that i did so well avoiding this whole weekend. I also have had way to much sex to get my head off things by spending my time with another trick. This honestly sucks, and i dont know what else to do with myself. Maybe i'll go on another pathetic solo mission to the movies.... anything to not have to dwell in my thoughts. Anything to distract myself from overthinking.
One last thing...
This blog is not a fake or a pr stunt. Shit, i dont think any studio would ever say.... "yes Erik, please blog about how miserable you are. Thats a great way to get attention". I'm sure my company, bites its nails everytime i write a new blog, i'm sure they are afraid what i'm gonna say next. All i can say is sorry. I will not censor myself to please anyone. Once i do that, then this blog will not be mine anymore.
Sunday, February 17, 2008
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39 comments:
It's a publicity stunt. It's gotten you a ton of attention- you've said so yourself. (Actually, I admire you for a GREAT publicity stunt). If it wasn't a stunt, you'd be seeking out a reliable doctor (you could even just walk over to St. Vincent's) to find the medication to take care of whatever psych/chemical illness you have.
Erik, maybe this comes off as trying to blow sunshine up your ass, but even if you didn't win the award, yes you're worth reading and watching and knowing. I wish there was a way one of us could somehow show that to you, but I think every person has to discover that about themselves. Learning to enjoy your own company is not pathetic -- it is an essential part of life. Just keep going, you'll find your way.
the term susan lucci of porn springs to mind. and i just wanna say its not if you win or lose its how you fuck that matters. jk. but seriously i do feel bad for you but honestly does anyone even remember who won last year? awards are just popularity contests. you're like an icon so i say fuck em. but i guess you already did that. i kid i kid
i was depressed. then i took pills. they helped.
something that always makes me laugh is "a very brady sequel"
you shouldn't fool around with prescription meds. it makes me nervous and i feel implicated. you should stick to bonghits.
i tried to write an email to your dot.com address but it bounced.
i feel like can be objective because i've never seen you in a movie. i'm no expert, but i feel like porn would be a better part time job. or like cameo appearances or something.
i thought the tidbit about you being friends with an olsen twin (t/f?) was more interesting than the tom ford (wait no, the other guy) stuff.
you could be an american gladiator!
anyway, i'm serious. antidepressants can help. and it would lower libido too. two birds!
word
MARC FUCKING JACOBS
Straighten yourself and you will not stand steady;
Display yourself and you will not be clearly seen;
Justify yourself and you will not be respected;
Promote yourself and you will not be believed;
Pride yourself and you will not endure.
These behaviours are wasteful, indulgent,
And so they attract disfavour;
Harmony avoids them.
after reading a few posts in your blog, i can honestly say i don't think you need to be on medication. you just need to look on the bright side. not one of those fake outs where you *try to look on the bright side* and find nothing and then get all depressed and think about the bad things in your life again. just, sit down and really think about some of the good things in your life. i get depressed like that sometimes. and when the crazy out of nowhere shit happens it just seems like your in a hole and you just can't stop thinking about it. it gets so easy to just be blah about it. but if you think about it it could be worse. you could idk, be missing a hand. or have some horrible disease. or be in iran where they hang homosexuals. all i can say is be thankful for the things you have. and be optimistic about the things you will have in the future. best wishes
You constantly whine about what losers most "fags" are and how superficial and sick the lifestyle is. Then you write a whole blog entry about wishing you won an award for staging gay sex acts on film. Give me a break! Where do come off demonizing others gays as superficial scum? You're starting to sound as hypocritical as Andrew Sullivan.
cw: i guess you didnt read the whole blog. I even mentioned some trivial thing about waking up with a man that made me happy to be gay. Yes i do abosutley hate bing gay at times, but then at other times something so simple like watching a beautiful man sleep can easily change my mind.
Let me break it down in super gay terms for ya... the new madonna ablbum come out, i'm sure you will like some songs and hate others. Well thats kinda how i feel about being gay.
Erik,
I found your blog while I was looking for stuff on Marc Jacobs.
I have to say that your blog is like a book you can't put down, I couldn't stop reading it and had to go back and read the entire blog.
I think you're very brave to share your personal experiences, struggles and conflicts so publicly, if nothing else, you're teaching people out there that just having a gorgeous body isn't enough in life.
I sincerely hope you find happiness whatever shape or form that may be.
Best of luck!
I wonder if Susan Lucci goes and gets drunk and sleeps with as many people as she can after the daytime Emmys. Then again she just might go home, have some herbal tea and do some Yoga, but what is the fun in that?
Nice blog Francesco posted about ya! Did ya go to the movies with him?
Apparently there are some people who cares enough for you to ask the "are you okay"s. Some people do care, give them a chance to be your friends.
Well, hopefully my words of "things will be fine" doesn't irritates you because I've always wondering am I saying the right words and the right time.
The award. Falcon didn't win that much anyways. It was 3-way between Channel 1, Raging Stallion, Lucas Entertainment. Falcon didn't stood that much chance. I don't know how the award is important to you but may be I'll make you one.
(I think I'm getting lame now. I need to dig a hole to hide myself)
:)
Hey Erik, yea not winning sucks, I’m also bad at that…haha
Then I’m happy you woke up so happy the other morning next to the Russian, I’m kinda with a Russian man and he’s also so cute, anyways it made me smile when I read it and what you felt at that moment, btw that Modonna gay comparison thing in your comment uptop was funny man, good one, couldn’t have said it any better.
Take care now man.
So I'm curious if the "pretty Russian" is the Hot House cutie who also just happens to live in NYC? Otherwise, keep bouncing along, man.
don't mean to be so flippant about your probs. i hope you feel better.
I think CW has a good point...it may not be for publicity...it is your blog....but you certainly aren't writing a jounal...it's called a "blog" for a reason...you want external approval.
ohh I like you semi-happy. it's refreshing.
Erik, It's seem not easy at all for you when we read your blog. I have to be honest, I've never seem one of your movie. You seem so small right now, I really hope you will find someone to talk and to bring some joy in your life. I'm really sory for the awards, but you know If you had been in nomination 9 times, It's surely because your good. It's meen somethings Be confident. By the way sorry for the bad english, I'm use to write in french, Hope you'll be good.
"Let me break it down in super gay terms for ya... the new madonna ablbum come out, i'm sure you will like some songs and hate others. Well thats kinda how i feel about being gay."
OK, I'm honestly not trying to be rude, but that example says it all. I've never even listened to a Madonna album in my whole life. You are so deep into the so-called "gay lifestyle" that you don't even realize there is a whole other world. A lot of gays work regular jobs every day and live in regular neighborhoods and their lives are pretty much 99% the same as straights.
Maybe you like the stereotypical "gay lifestyle" but you should at least be aware that it's what you've chosen. Even Andrew Sullivan who considers himself some kind of iconoclastic conservative is just another gay clone. He's got HIV, into muscle worship, lives in two gay ghettos (Dupont Circle and P-town), attends drag shows, etc...
None of that stuff has anything to do with the core of being gay. So when you say you hate some things about being gay, what are you actually talking about? Because the stuff you say you like about being gay ... are actually the only things you mention that actually have to do with homosexuality.
CW i used Madonna as an example. Do your hear madonna playing when my blog opens? Not even close. I used her since she is a huge gay icon and loved by most fags.. It doesnt mean that i am wrapped up in the fake gay world for knowing that, i've learned thru bf's.
In my last relationship i led that not so typical gay life. No clubs, or drugs. We just hung close friends, mostly consisting of dykes having "game night" and getting really crazy by maybe seeing a movie after dinner. Beside from porn, my life was super boring, basically with me getting any love and attention from my dog. I started this blog, because i became a custom to that lifestyle and basically didnt know how to deal with being single. You say i am so wrapped up with the gay world and yet i'm still so clueless. I do take alot of peoples comments to heart and its great to get support. So whatever. If your tired of reading then don't. I think people who leave angry comments are looking for something to channel there anger in there own lifes at, maybe i'm an easy target. Ya know, the whole kick a guy when he's down type thing. You like many other would never do it to my face so you get your rocks off by doing over a computer and its really lame. Gay Ghetto's come on man, maybe your the one that is alittle to involved.
Erik, you're giving CW the exact kind of interaction/attention that person is seeking by writing to you as such. (And I'm only bothering to point it out because I dislike the poster's negativity toward Madonna as a 'gay' thing given that I know more straight folks who like her than gay folks who do.)
Erik -
Live your life the way that works for you. Take whatever makes sense to you from the blog and use it how you see fit...ignore the other garbage. Regardless...continue to strive for something better... whatevver that might be for you
Take care.
CW is correct again. We have a right to post comments becuase blogging is public...the internet is public.
You..Erick..are just as gay as anybody..there's nothing wrong with that...and the only way to get your attention attention is by writing mean comments...maybe you should think about what you said on BigMuscle: "I'm looking for a normal life." All you muscle heads say that but would never date a fat guy...someone unattractive...someone who never saw your films and didn't pretend to...or a chub...for God's sake...you are sooooo self absorbed.
"Beside from porn, my life was super boring"
Welcome to the real world. One of the big lies that alcohol, clubbing, and all that crap perpetuates is that every minute of every day has to be orgasmic. Shouldn't you focus on GIVING love instead of GETTING it?
"If your tired of reading then don't. I think people who leave angry comments are looking for something to channel there anger in there own lifes at"
I find your blog fascinating because you are being sincere. That doesn't mean you are a necessarily a good person or even doing 'the right thing'. People are giving you constructive criticism, but you just write it off by projecting that they must be 'angry'.
"the whole kick a guy when he's down type thing. You like many other would never do it to my face so you get your rocks off by doing over a computer and its really lame."
Do you want people to just kiss your ass and lie to you? A lot of people are just trying to figure out what you want to hear (because they want something from you). Only people who really care about you are willing to tell you straight up how they see it. But again, you consider that as some kind of insult and "kicking you when you're down".
Of course I would tell you all this stuff to your face. Are you some kind of psycho that can't take the truth without resorting to violence? What the hell do you think drugs are? They're a chemical that lies to you again and again until it owns you.
In your condition right now (based on your own words), what kind of a guy would want to be in a serious relationship with you? Hello? Only someone who wants to "fix" you or use you. It's just an endless cycle that will keep repeating until you want to face your own agenda honestly. I wish you well but nothing is going to change until you stop looking for more lies to soothe you.
Why are you still escorting on Rentboy if it doesn't make you happy?
Eric, 2 tips from an Aussie for what it's worth 1.Find something you're interested in and study it and then find a way to make reasonable money from it (the fact you haven't won a porn award is a luck thing in my opinion). I use simple words here rather than mention "career" because people forget how important loving what they do is. 2.helping others = genuine happiness. What do you do for the people/community in front of you? Again a simple notion, but my guess is you have never tried it. Good luck growing up - you've got some to do - but you seem very intelligent so you should do well.
Erik, 2 tips fron an Aussie for what it's worth - 1. Find something that you love and study it, and then try and make reasonable money from it (simple words - I deliberately didn't use the word career, as loving what you do is vital) - the fact you didn't win a porn award is a LUCKY thing mate. 2. Helping others = genuine happiness (again easy to laugh off but I bet you have never tried it - for those around you & for your local community) - it is the only true answer for YOU. Good luck growing up a bit - you seem very intelligent so i think you will do well. bye.
This was your post from the day before:
"I have been over medicating myself since i got here, to San Fran. I need to. Just giving everyone a fake smile long enough to make them believe i just might be alright. This is all an illiusion. The loneliness of one messed up man hidden behind anti-depressants, vicodin, alcohol and anything that can be bumped in the bathroom. A worthless fuck as a band-aid and a Valium to turn out the lights. I love my life."
Well, easy to see why you had such a good time!
Whatever makes you happy man... fuck these fags that wanna console you.... to uplift when 90% just say what they think you wanna hear. If you wanna fuck your problems away do it, if you wanna get high to forget em do it... ONLY YOU can do whats best for you! Fuck these awards you cant melt em down and I doubt they are worth anything in the end... do ya really fucking care if some homos think you deserve an award????
Oh Shane. Shut the fuck up you worthless troll.
Erik,
I am glad you read peoples’ postings for you.
As I have advised you twice before, read (buy from Amazon.com or Google other sellers) the book Beyond Success and Failure: Ways to Self-Reliance and Maturity by William and Marguerite Beecher.
It is not as thick as you think. It is not religious at all. And quite cheap at only around ten bucks.
I do not think you are in need of any professional help at all -- just the right source of sound, practical information on how to live your life properly.
Again, if you care to discuss the book with me, you can communicate with me directly at AlbertEastman@msn.com.
Erik
I'm glad I got to talk to you Friday night.People don't give you enough credit.I didn't get a chance to read your blog,the internet was down at the hotel.At least you had an amazing night,I realized that I might have to fly solo for my next trips to the city.This was an interesting weekend for me in terms of finding out just how people treat someone in my shoes.I'm the bridesmaid but never the bride.I guess I'll keeping on looking for comfort elsewhere.
Hi, Erik, sorry you did not win this time, but as they say at the Oscars, being nominated is already a great victory. As in all award competitions, most of the winning depends on the studio's promotion campaign and not on the nominee's real worth.
I am not giving you any advice, pep-talk or commentary on your way to cope with your private life's problems, I already have and It is up to you to accept or dismiss them.
if you have ten free minutes to spare, have a look at this site in your honor, hoping it will at least lighten up your day.
http://www.jq2002ca.com/Rhodes_00.html
Cheer up, kiddo. Bruno
Hey Erik, Seems like everyone has got some advice for you. I would drop my 2 cents but i think it has all been said. I just wanted to drop a line and say hey, and also to say awesome play list on your blog. I have been a fan of nine inch nails since i was 15 and my fist major concert was the downward spiral tour. Nothing will ever compare or has even come close to that concert. I just downloaded "Still" about a month ago and man, cant get enough of it. Its more chill of course, but there is still that dark tone to it that you still feel how heavy Trent Reznor's music is. I know nine inch nails is just one of many on your play list. Digging some of the other music i am not familiar with on your play list too..especially the one featuring Thom York. Good times. Big radiohead fan as well. Anyway, read the blog and know you are going through some rough times. I wish nothing but the best and hope to hear some more great tracks on your blog. Take care.
Hey there. I don't really know you, so I hesitate to comment, but after reading everything you have to say in your blog, I have to encourage you to go get help with your depression. Please go see a counselor or psychologist and figure out how to get out of the negative spiral. Just "thinking positive" like some people have suggested in the comments will just not work. You have issues to work through, man. You just gotta take the first step.
Don't listen to the negative comments. You're someone who is hurting on the inside and trying to work it out. Just please take my advice - not to please me - do it for you. Or if that doesn't work, do it for your friends and family (not us blog commenters) who wouldn't want to see you like this.
I've gone through depression myself years ago, and I can't describe what it was like once I finally got out of it. I know that everything seems dark and pointless right now, but that's not you - it's the depression! I know you're on medication for it, but that's only part of the problem. The other half is cognitive and can be worked through and solved.
Best of everything to you.
How come dick pics' profile doesn't have any dick pics?
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